Email to:How Do I Look In This?: Shithouse!
Now, people don’t generally think that I’m one for having tickets on myself BUT it is widely accepted that I’m reasonably well turned out. So it is – at season’s change – I’m continually approached by emotionally fragile women of a certain age desperate for fashion advice.
And some have gotten themselves very worked up!
Just who are those dresses in the shop for: Finger puppets?
Or:
I tried to tie up my favourite Hawaiian sarong last night and promptly burst into tears! How come it worked very well as a back-up tablecloth for a 16-person setting over Winter but now, it doesn’t even cover my bum?
Now, my first piece of counsel is: No panic! Trust me, I’m not going to advise gym membership, a no fun no trans fat regimen or even a gentle daily walk to the shops. I am well aware that the source of your pain is centred on retail activities so why would I do that?
Here’s the real deal:
Before you go shopping for your Summer of 2008 wardrobe, you MUST reject the cliches surrounding the ageing body. For example, how many times have you heard (yawn) that everything heads south?
Not true: the reality is that everything heads everywhere all at once. It’s very likely that your bum is right now heading south-south-east-west, your stomach, east-south-west-south and your boobs, east-west, east-west-south-south-south-south. The only certainty is that the compass of your body is not pointing north.
I repeat: NO diets, NO lifestyle changes. To put yourself under even more pressure when you’ve already been brought so low, would be pure folly.
Instead, do all of this NOW:
* Throw out all of last Summer’s clothes. Accept that they are lost to your body, forever.
* Try out ‘new’ combos. Eg: In 2006, I tried out the long distance truckie look – short shorts with a huge top. This clever combo not only diverted critical eyes from problem areas, it gave me a great opportunity to work hard on my social skills, my personality – without sexual tension ever getting in the way.
* Don’t go anywhere near cossies. Go to the beach fully clothed. Ask an approachable, fun-loving; kind young man to suddenly dash out of the crowd, pick you up and throw you into the surf. Feign surprise. Have a nice swim.
Your new beach look! credit: jhull's, Flickr
* Don’t appeal to young shop assistants (usually finger puppets) to be really, really honest about how a garment looks. People with the rest of their lives to look forward to can be overbearing, too straighforward. To be told it’s one size fits all but it doesn’t fit you will provoke strong emotions at a time when you’re already very, very nervy.
Note: KJ is poised, ready to give advice on anything to do with apparel.
******** How to exercise your democratic rights by responding to any of Kerrie Jean’s musings.
Just click on the ‘comments’ thingo (just down there to the right) and follow the simple instructions. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Do put in a name. Do put in your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address. It does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
But what about cosmetics and accessories, what about pearls and berets?
I’ve taken to only wearing these in strict privacy. What’s your advice there?
But, as you get older, my advice is NOT to go to two friends’ weddings in one big weekend, not without health insurance, too much Greek dancing. Arms hooked over two handfuls of smelly pits, people yelling real close, you’re trying to get away, and presto there is a CROOK shoulder, according to Angelo my physio.
KJ Says:
Dear Greek and loving it – I intend to do a full feature on ‘women of a certain age’ and accessories but in the meantime: Are you saying that you only wear cosmetics in private? Meaning: You’re walking around, working and trying to relate to people bare faced! I have thought deeply about what may be driving you to wear makeup only in private. I fear that you’ve had rejection after rejection after rejection re romance over the last couple of years – and you are now trying to attract yourself. Good luck.
.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Don’t worry too much about showing flesh in your cossie.
Come to the Gambia, the gigolo or sunshine coast and flirt with sexy six pacs that are gained by a lifetime of hard work rather then in the gym.
Stereotypes of attractive body images are quickly blown apart, especially if you have a bank account that can cope with feeding a few locals.
See you there.
Greetings Doerthe Jansen, Gambia, Gunjur Beach Local.
KJ Says: Thank you Doerthe! Gotta go – I’m going into Goodle Earth right now!
September 25th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I went to David Jones to look for underwear yesterday. Between visits I forget how depressing a venture like that is. I swear some of the brightly coloured bras for sweet young things were really slingshots and as for thongs – mere eye patches. How can any grown woman have a pubic area so small?
September 25th, 2008 at 10:06 am
KJ – what about under garments? I always switch to more breezy, crisp knickers for summer. I just keep one pair of flannels handy in case of pap smear appointment. Yesterday, I tried on my favorite pair of pink, lacey summer knickers that last summer suited a sex kitten only to find that things have changed. I don’t have a plumber’s crack, more a plumber’s arse. Help. I’m scared as hell that my arse is heading more than south, it’s being pulled toward the earth’s core.
September 25th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Now, girls: What was my first piece of counsel?: No panic!.
I fear that you’re getting so nervy, you can’t see the toes for the gut!
Calm down and promise me this – you will not give up and go panties and bra-free, this summer……..
My advice? Attached to big bowling clubs, there’s retail outlets selling uniforms and undergarments for players. They are staffed by volunteers – lovely, veteran bowling ladies who, believe me, won’t raise eyebrows as they poke and prod and measure you up for summer bras and panties. Trust me, you will leave the shop with only one thought: I can’t understand why I was getting so worked up in the first place!
September 27th, 2008 at 9:15 am
I describe my look as classic, timeless with a touch of country – because of that I
haven’t been near the shops since 1976. Is it time to update? I have to admit some items are a tad tight and a wee bit faded like myself.
September 27th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Dear Country Gal, it is NEVER too late to update!
A crucial piece of advice though: A woman who is looking for clothes for the first since the superphosphate bounty came in, must shop LOCAL: The mayhem that can suddenly erupt in the busy, competitive fitting rooms of big department stores is to be avoided. Instead, the girls at your local shops will give good, honest opinions and, because they’ve seen you out and about in your current wardrobe thousands of times since 1976, they know what works and what’s a bit iffy.
Go to it!
September 27th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
A change of season and another reason for the morning headache … what will I squeeze into today without busting my seams when I bend to pick up the morning paper? Lately I spend the whole day upright! HELP!
September 28th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Dear morning headaches,
You’ve got yourself into such a state, you’re failing to see the POSITIVE. So…..you are being forced to remain upright for hours on end. So…..look on it as a great time to improve your posture. I suspect you may also be deep with the osteoporosis demographic so do combine those posture improving exercises with drinking at least 7.5 litres of milk, daily.
September 28th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Great advice KJ. I am particularly struck by your understanding of the havoc that milk wet anorexic muppets in fitting rooms can wreak on any woman’s hard won sense of self worth.
I am forthwith joining the feminist t-shirt debate raging hotly over at ‘the dawn chorus’. While I’ve seen some very worthy shirts, from “I’ll be post-feminist in a post-patriarchy” to the tongue in chic “Nobody knows I’m a feminist!”…
My personal choice would be “Does my dumb look big in this?”