Email to:First Case Of Semi- Conscious Eating Reported
I fear I am the first self-reported case of a self-named new eating disorder: semi-conscious eating.
It’s been happening for weeks now but, because of deep feelings of shame and a grocery bill generating quite strong sensations of self-loathing and dread, I have been unable to talk about it.
Conscious eating still popular credit: Randy Son Of Robert
So, why now? Simple. Because, with temperatures rising, I tried on a couple of my favourite Summer skirts yesterday only to find out I’d be flat out using them as belts in my current bloated condition.
I’m also speaking out because I suspect there may be millions of other people out there afflicted by semi-conscious eating who cannot speak for themselves, so stuffed are they.
So, how does it work, this semi-conscious eating?
Well, this morning was typical.
I awoke early. I’d like to tell you that my rested body was covered in small flowers a la Lady Chatterley’s Lover, but that would be a lie.
Instead, my sweaty self had millions of corn chip fragments stuck to it. Some had pierced my skin, causing small but painful fissures. My bed was full of corn chips and there was a 2500 gram empty packet (obviously scrunched up in a moment of fury) on my pillow.
Small, fractured glimpses filtered through of my overnight activities. I know I got up for my usual ablutions. I know I completed these safely…..and I know I came back to bed. However, there are a few critical missing moments. And I do have a fleeting image of the cupboard, the corn chip packet, my hand…..and then nought.
I can only surmise, by the state of things this morning and my previously inexplicable weight gain of 17 kilos in a slightly less than a month, that I took the corn chips back to bed and ate them semi-consciously.
I have no idea what to do. I Googled semi-conscious eating and it threw up nothing.
I feel desperately alone and so would be thrilled to hear from anyone else who is battling semi-conscious eating.
In the meantime, I am urgently addressing a host of safety issues. My first act was to decommission the stove and remove the microwave.
It was a race against time.
Enough to say that for me to unconsciously cook – and bring back to bed to unconsciously eat – my all-time favourite, Flaming Bombe Alaska, could be fatal.
Prawn Cutlet Award
September 13th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Dear KJ
I don’t know so much about doing any semi-conscious eating myself: That’s my daughter’s department, but I am concerned about the health hazards to others. I have woken with my face stuck to the pillow by gummy bears as a result of her nocturnal munches. Removing them was like a visit to wax express. Personally I have experienced semi-conscious drinking. The shiraz I opened last night was two thirds full when I went to bed. But lo, this morning the bottle stood drained on the bench! Thank God I put the bottle of bleach away …
September 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Whoa!
Listen to KJ Morning Headaches, listen to me…….
In my work, I come across many problems but, so far, NONE so pressing as yours.
RIGHT NOW, go and get all of your household cleaning products (yes, the purported ‘green’ ones as well) and throw a dragnet around them.
NEXT, empty every bottle of shiraz you can get your hands on into household plastic buckets. Place them strategically around your house.
CRUCIALLY, put a supply of straws within handy reach of all the buckets.
This is just an emergency measure until KJ can arrange a professional to come out and, at least, take notes about your semi-conscious drinking.
Please report back when you have put in place these contingencies. I am deeply concerned…..KJ
September 15th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
My advice to you is to have a go at that semi-conscious drinking. I know it works for me. Another great distraction is semi-conscious love making but a warning: you can put on more than 17 kilos – in fact I put on two children with this method. My heart goes out to you and may I suggest that corn chips in particular can be a danger food having choked on one once. Keep them out of the cupboard!
September 15th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Urgent advice to the Lover:
Do not, DO NOT tell your loved ones they were conceived during a bout of semi-conscious lovemaking. It is crucial to their happiness that they continue to believe that their mother was fully present at their conception.
KJ
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:14 am
That’s all too weird KJ.
Once I dreamt I was eating marshmallows and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
KJ Says:
Thank god, rice paper wrappings didn’t didn’t figure in that dream. The implications for you and your sheets, are not worth even thinking about!
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:25 am
One day, a very long time ago, I remember a girl sitting on a throne, startled by a taffeta clad ghost, whilst chandelier decided to explode……
That was the last time I ever remember her eating. She made a very quiet plot with her friend to never ingest solid food again, but to solely consume liquids…….
Whilst separated by much water and land, the two friends communicate often about their weight loss or gain and advocate their choice of diet to anyone who may care to listen!! (And what’s 17 kg between friends, anyway??)