KerrieJean.com

How often does magic happen?

Very rarely, from where KJ sits!

But, magic HAS lobbed and you’re all about to see and hear the results of it.

I’ve always described myself as ‘pretty creative’. My first gig was as a pyjama model for a skin cancer fundraiser at the Leeton RSL. I was very young and the evening was very exploitative: I didn’t even get ONE nightie to take home for free!

Futher, the night was very dramatic from a family point of view because my mum, Gwennie, mistakenly sprayed her hairdo with Mortein just before we left for the venue. When Dad (Hector) said: No Flies On You Gwennie she just burst into tears.

But, now is now……..

The other day I was, by chance, introduced to a charismatic professional sound artist, BS (Big Swifty). Big Swifty has, in industry terms, a very hefty resume. Here’s just a taste:

2000: Backup sound for the Olympic Torch Relay. (Didn’t have to be used. BUT, bet you didn’t know that if the flame went out on any leg anywhere in the world, BS’s very disturbing and very loud soundscape would have immediately come on to divert international media attention from the smouldering device).

1992: Residency?: Of course! BS makes enough to keep a roof over his head.

1980: Grant?: Grant was BS’s best friend at school and yes, they’re still in touch!

1975: Funding Submission?: Was a foot-in to get the money from the Australia Council THEN Gough was sacked.

So, imagine my pleasure when BS said: ‘KJ, I wanna work with you!’

And work we have.

It’s thrilling to report that BS and KJ will shortly be releasing their first dance single on this site.

Stay tuned – for if magic happens but rarely you really can’t afford to miss a sighting

‘As interesting as watching paint dry.’

But now, compliments of Grand Designs, we have much, much more to play around with.

How about? – As interesting as watching Swedish telflon plated LOW carbon RECYCLED kitchen towel bricks FINALLY coming off the truck….

Or What About? – As interesting as watching a distraught IT executive frantically trying to affix environmentally UNFRIENDLY big blue sheets of plastic on a roof just before the rigors of a harsh British winter THREATEN to bring his dream to a tragic end.

Now, not so long ago, Grand Designs was used as a ‘filler’ in a dead spot on the ABC Television’s schedule. Then….it went off!
Here’s how it goes every week:

Presenter Kevin McCloud, an ever so urbane pain in the arse with a hard hat, has a great passion for new builds.

Not just any builds, mind you.

These are builds (usually the size of Westfield Shopping Centres) ‘imagined’ by obnoxious, uber professional couples called Sean and Joanna, Susan and Richard or Miranda and Malcolm.

For them, the build is so important that if it doesn’t happen, they WILL kill themselves, they surely will…

So, Kevin returns to the sites of (surprise, surprise) behind-schedule builds over and over – despite blinding rain, tornados, mudslides and tardy glaziers.

And there’s no getting away from the the appalling fact that, for example, the brave, brave Sean and Joanna have been forced to take out yet another lease on a cramped six-bedroom, two-bathroom cottage because their dream, their build is in danger of becoming UNSTUCK.

It is here that Kevin gets very, very tough.

Even though Sean and Joanna are stretched to beyond breaking point just trying to exist with two obnoxious kiddies in the six-bedroom cottage, brutal questions must be asked…

Would not if have been a good idea to make sure that the Finnish recycled toothbrush tiles arrived BEFORE the Belgian window frames?

You bugeted for a build of 67-thousand-pounds. So far (and still, no waterproofing) you’ve spent 456-thousand-pounds. Do the words: PROJECT MANAGER mean anything to you?

Did you ever, ever consider that a 89-room Californian bungalow with Gothic and Moroccan influences, was always going to be a big ask for a small block with a history of drainage problems AND a 239-metre National Trust protected Medieval Torture Rack slapbang in the middle of it?

This is incredibly hard stuff: this is awful to watch but Sean and Joanna will NOT be defeated because they are made of incredibly stern stuff .

They tell Kevin that yes, the mudslide nearly finished them off but with the onset of Spring and the resumption of their sexual relations, they will push on.

And damn it, they do…

On Kevin’s last visit to see Sean and Joanna, the build has, against all odds, become a home.

Joanna and Sean love it and despite the 456-thousand-quid budget blowout, appear to have gone out and bought a whole heap of leopard skin lounges, massive seven-metre high terracotta urns, aerodynamic beds and contemporary art pieces from up-and-coming nobodies.

Kevin is impressed.

He thought Sean and Joanna ‘crazy’ – and while their dream is NOT his – they have risked all and achieved a home which similtaneously speaks of intimacy and freedom, restraint and plenty…..and love.

*KJ is currently contacting all of the Grand Designs couples and will reportly back shortly on what is looking like a way beyond average divorce rate.