Should I Be Wearing Speedos?
Many women are lapping up my advice on how to get a workable Summer wardrobe together in difficult times. Just click on this thingo for a recap: Throw Everything Out!
Funny the way things work but that story prompted many equally fragile men to approach me for urgent counsel. Namely:
KJ, DO YOU HAVE A POSITION ON SPEEDOS?
Well, they lucked in because I most certainly do have a position on Speedos and it’s unequivocal!
From my understanding, Speedos were developed in the Sixties as a Cold War weapon. And Speedos did halt the juggernaut that was the Eastern Bloc’s grip on the pool during the Olympics of that period. So, I am in no doubt that the development (and rapid deployment) of Speedos remains Australia’s greatest contribution to the Cold War effort. However, it was never, ever intended that Speedos be employed during times of peace.
But still, millions of men in Speedos continue to disport themselves on beaches and at municipal swimming pool complexes, worldwide. Two words spring to mind: Unneccessary and Inappropriate. Indeed, it’s as if the very ideals of so-called Civil Societies, are being mocked.
Twister Olympics ! credit:0595, flickr
Subsequently, I have found that appealing to a Speedo disporter’s ‘higher values’ is useless, if not counterproductive. Instead, I have come to the conclusion that cold, hard facts are the way to go. Here goes:
***A woman may like, even go nuts over, a beautiful antique clock but that does not mean she’s automatically interested in its works.
***A Speedo disporter, even sub-consciously, is desperately trying to advertise virility. Tragically, he could be blissfully unaware he’s a case before the Unfair Claims Tribunal, just waiting to happen.
***A Speedo disporter on a first date, is beyond help. A dear, nervy friend of mine was over-the-moon when a fairly presentable chap asked her to join him for an afternoon on the beach. All was going well until he stripped down – to Speedos. I felt like I was suddenly meeting someone’s friend I’d heard and thought a lot about, but wasn’t quite ready shake hands, she reported.
Final thing: I abhor the term, Budgie Smugglers. Budgie Smugglers is no quaint piece of vernacular. Quite the opposite. The continued use of Budgie Smugglers only serves to reinforce the view of the Speedo disporter that what he is doing is terrific. Very, very sad.
KJ would love to hear about your position on Speedos – it’s a debate we must have, even though the possibilities for upset, are many.
How to exercise your Democratic Right:
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place when you write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And you just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Comment of the Week
September 28th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Speedos…not much protection IN THE 60S when the local pool was being converted to Olympic size and we had to learn to swim in a leech infested Yanco pool; water straight from the main irrigation channel.
Nowadays, I’m more than happy to see a hunk take a swim in WHITE Speedos.
KJ says:
Dear Doolup – just great to hear from you. I know exactly what you write of! For those who don’t know, Yanco is just down the road from Leeton. And yes, all swimming lessons were diverted to Yanco while our pool was getting a Cold War upgrade. And those leeches? Well, enough to say that when Hec (dad) loaded his five girls into the car post-lesson, our first stop? Leeton & District Hospital. Blood transfusions all round!
September 28th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I believe the Australian position on budgie smugglers is mandatory detention, and so it should be unless worn by women or people who wax. Not necessarily the same thing I’ll admit.
I’m not saying it does anyone any favors, mind! As you so aptly put it in your recent post. How do I look in this? SHITHOUSE!
September 29th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
The Problem With Speedos…
Look, I AM bloke, which I think qualifies me to have an opinion on the whole speedo (or ‘budgie smuggler’) issue.
Yes, I will admit that they are nifty items of clothing that can be worn when one is frolicking in the surf. That is, after all why they were invented. When swimming laps in the pool, their body-shaped and streamlined nature means that they provide for excellent water movement.
However, is that they still pose a problem in the virility that they display; namely, way too much. As such, I will make a vehement case against speedos on certain occasions.
1) Don’t use them when you are on a date with a lovely lass who you are intending to see further. She may possibly shake her head in bemusement, and then not see you again.
2) If you are (like me) a man of exceedingly hairy proportions, any display of your virility will be accompanied with the inevitable (but not really wanted) proclamation of your close kinship with our tree-climbing brothers.
To avoid these problems (yes, I know I haven’t really listed many, but I am going to state my case anyway), society has evolved to such a point where it can now offer a solution – boardshorts. Speedos may be good for when you’re in the pool..but I think that boardies are still better for other occasions.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I’m a little concerned about my upcoming Christmas beach holiday, and the possibility of a speedo embrace by my long-term partner.
After eight years of quite sexy, attractive board short action, this Christmas will be our first with child, and I am a little concerned that this change may prompt further change. I.E. my darling Husband may embrace the beach going, speedoed, long sleeved shirted, broad soft brimmed (with mandatory under strap in case it’s breezy) hatted and Cancer Council wrap around sunglasses wearing stereotype once he becomes a father.
You know the type that then stand in the shallow waves, arms crossed, feet wide apart in their best impersonation of a lifeguard?
KJ I would appreciate any thoughts you have on how we can steer this father to be into safer waters – perhaps converting him to the alternative stereotypical beach father instead – board shorts, rash shirt, Malibu style straw hat and surfer type sunnies?
September 29th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Dear EP,
Gee, you and your ‘darling husband’ have a lot on your plate at present! You must understand that being launched into the murky waters of first-time fatherhood is, in life cycle terms, simultaneously awesome and perplexing. On this upcoming beach holiday, I strongly advise you to cut the ‘darling husband’ quite a bit of slack. During this period of great change, you’re right to proffer that he may indeed suddenly appear…..in Speedos. If so, you MUST tell him he’s looking even better than the very first time you clapped eyes on him. Then, later in the day when the ‘darling husband’ is having a post-swim lie down, commandeer those Speedos and put them to work. Use them to wash the car, even clean the oven in your beach house. In other words: render those Speedos unwearable, once and for all. Just tell the ‘darling husband’ you mistook them for a chamois. He’ll understand…..
September 29th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
In response to EP, you have hit upon a new phenomena which is a favourite summer look for me and many of my ilk, the new father ‘life saver’ hovering over their toddler in 30 cm of water.
The look is carefully crafted to convey authority and awareness of all that potentially can present a threat and is akin to the secret service protecting The President – just within reach should anything befall while not intruding on offsprings’ freedom to conduct their affairs.
Fathers must dress to project total control as they patrol, with acute reactions to the slightest trip or hazard. Dangers like the sun are mitigated by being clothed in the long sleeve wetsuit-like shirt; appropriate head covering, the broader the more responsible and the more Cancer Council items the more points you get.
The Speedo is just part of the ensemble because it says you take your role seriously and the whiter the upper thighs, the better. You are there to do a job.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Look Dion – I’m not saying that your heart is not in the right place BUT there are always alternatives. One day, Hec (dad) was patrolling the perimeter of the Leeton Municipal Swimming Baths, monitoring the safety of his five girls. Everything was against him: Temp: 44 degrees. His temp? – even higher. Suddenly, because of delirium-induced heatstroke, Hec mistakenly thought he had a fast-developing ’situation’ re safety in the pool. He immediately tore off his long work duds and was poised to execute his rescue, WIRE FRONTS style. It was then that (and this is important) a trained pool attendant in Speedos stepped in – and told Hec in no uncertain terms to have a bit of respect for ratepayer-funded facilities.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Of the 20 blogs I read before breakfast, yours is always the first, and once again you’re way ahead of the pack (Just as you were with your memorable MALCOLM – I HAVE A DREAM piece – pathetic how ABC TV tried to jump on the bandwagon giving the Big M his own peak time TV show in which he could boast about his drug taking ) … on SPEEDOS, I can reveal the men of Australia are not only listening, they’re taking action.
Round my way on Sunday afternoon acrid smoke hung in the air above back yards up and down the street. On closer inspection, I personally saw several men throwing skimpy black bathing briefs onto oil drum fires.
Quite moving in a way – some had made a sort of wake of it – asking mates around, sipping beers round the barbie, as they shared SPEEDO moments.
I overheard one strapping young fella say: “And she’s right about that Budgie Smuggler talk too.”
“Yeah,” said his friend, as he turned a sausage………
and……after a pregnant pause, as fat spat into the early summer air:
“As long as she lays off the Wedgie.”
September 29th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Ah, Man In Grey, what a colossal image – Australian men coming together for what I pray is the first of many Speedo burning rituals, nationwide. It is as if the men you speak of were spitting in the face of their woeful pride, consigning it to no less than the Fires Of Hell. The image, the tableau provokes both terror…and excitement.
September 29th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
You’ve touched on a sensitive issue here KJ. My bloke insists on wearing his black speedos despite the fact that his BMI is heading in the wrong direction.
I have bought him several attractive floral ‘boardies’ but he insists on wearing them to work and the hardware store, never in the pool. What can I do? Unless he goes hard on the CSIRO diet and loses 20 kilos by the beach going season I’m afraid we’ll have to put our towels down at opposite ends of the beach.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Dear Capo Biondi – I sympathise. In the early eighties, I lived for a very short time with a chap who refused to lay off the Speedos. One day we were sitting on the beach when it suddenly struck me: THIS MAN IS A DEVIANT! And that was that……
Does this help?
September 30th, 2008 at 9:09 am
What is the aversion to the male form? Women wear swimwear next to their genitals and breasts; frequently, I can make out outlines of eg, nipples. I encourage all men and women to compare swimming in a brief style suit to trunks.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:25 am
Dear Miss KJ
With the nervy hand wringers grabbing all the headlines (Doom Porn, a friend of mine calls it) I turn to you as someone made of stronger stuff for suggestions re: one of the great events on the Australian calendar (please consult your local diaries) – yes, we’re talking (NSW,ACT only)? Long Week End – and what to do in the these troubled times? How can red blooded Aussies send a message? Get in touch with what we used to call Reality?
In the club last night some of us jotted down a few ideas on a coaster – the list is far from comprehensive, but I submit it for your perusal.
Surviving the Crisis on the Long Week End:
1. Bake a cake
2. Buy a weekender in the South of France (check out the prices – they’re cheap as chips – Jean Pierre my French real estate friend assures me: October, is the time to buy, buy, buy)
3. Al Fresco Rooting (this sends a message to the Fed – shows Aussie confidence)
4. Buy a red sports car and drive through the night to FNQ, pausing only for cigarettes and fine wines.
5. Run for Parliament (not as silly as it sounds, so many people are leaving, there are plenty of vacancies. My only tip would be: Aim high – and in a couple of years you’ll be Premier)
As the late great Paul Newman once said: “All it takes is a bit of confidence.”
I have to go – another nervous nelly has set off the Evacuation Tone.
October 1st, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Dear Man In Grey – What a wonderful message of hope!
‘Gloom porn’ – how evocative! What clever friends you have – what smart circles you mix in.
Because my stories are very much SOLUTION-based, I’ve had a close look at your five survival tips. I CANNOT fault them but that’s not to say I wouldn’t order them differently. Just a matter of priorities.
But, all-in-all, congratulations! (Even if you saw this coming and converted your future to cash some months ago).
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Trust RN to get into the blogging just when everyone else is over it. The humour here is laboured, like so much of the rest of Radio National.
October 4th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Hi Errol – you seem to know a lot about RN for someone who doesn’t seem to enjoy the content. Advice – change stations.
October 4th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
All men should wear Purdah . Or I won’t be responsible for my actions.
October 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Oh to be listening to the radio! I’ve just returned from a road trip up the coast to visit my family with the kids. Hours on the highway, kids firing off cap guns in the backseat, long forensic type visits to public toilets and observing wildlife, mostly road kill. Back home and discovered that the children have bought rare lego collections from the U.S on Ebay. Now – to avoid bankruptcy.
I like Speedos. I even brought my husband a pair once. He was complaining that his pats nearly fell down on the golf course and that his underwear wasn’t up to scratch so I bought him a pair of lurid orange and green Speedos made from fabric that was kind of furry. They were also very revealing. Their first outing was on a cement beach promenade and it was there that a nursing mother hid her infant’s face in a towel at his approach. Corruption can occur at any age.
October 5th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Welcome back! News from the Greek and loving it front has been sorely missed. And, you’ve done it again – identified a new trend: Identity theft perpetrated on unsuspecting parents by young children. It’ll be awful to live like this but you must purchase a safe and put in it all credit cards, cash, passports, Video Ezy cards and drivers’ licenses. Expect that things will turn ugly when your children heavy you for the security code. Do not hestitate: Ring 000. It’s not your fault that you gave birth to a frightening new criminal element. Good luck.
October 5th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Sonia: not the content – the narcissistic style. Which is why it’s so infuriating!
January 16th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Lets be real about this. Speedos are condemned because out of shape people sport them. The majority of men in this country have a “average” looking body. But a good proportion of these average looking people choose to sport speedos.
Now how many guys complain of a young attractive woman sunbaking topless on the beach? But if the woman is “average” they cry foul.. Same deal with speedos..
I say if you have a body which isn’t flawed, wear speedos and the public will love it.. but if you have an average body you are at the mercy of the public ridicule…..
January 16th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Hello Ana – gee, you’re really running a hardline in these pragmatic times! And if there’s one thing that’s missing from my site is HARDLINERS…….! Please come back real soon! KJ