Email to:The Old Coot Is Going Nowhere!
Coot Power! credit Reuters
The imminent collapse of global capitalism is causing great angst in the workplaces of Australia. Suddenly, it’s become clear that The Old Coot (three desks along) who swore black and blue he’d be retiring at Christmas, is going nowhere!
For years, The Old Coot has been boring colleagues shitless with tales of his very good super. And The Old Coot does no work. Instead, The Old Coot spends 38 hours on his super fund’s site, tapping into the on-line retirement benefit’s calculator. The Old Coot knows the unit price of Aloe Vera Inc in Pago Pago; he is quick to pass on floor trade figures from the Paprika Exchange in New Mexico.
But now, the Paprika Exchange is comin’ down and, it appears, it’s taking The Old Coot with it!
So, it was a subdued Old Coot that yesterday (in intimate one-to-one exchanges) broke the news that his super had taken a real hit and, with the way things are going, God knows where it’ll end up!
ONE’S THINGS FOR SURE, THOUGH, THERE’S NO WAY I CAN RETIRE THIS YEAR……THE TRUTH IS, IF ALDI HADN’T SET UP HERE, ME AND TRISH WOULD BE IN REAL TROUBLE.
The news that The Old Coot is staying on, sucks morale.
Everyone knows the reality: The Old Coot is well-placed, to say the least. Over the years, The Old Coot (again, in intimate one-to-one exchanges) has reported every significant event in his pecuniary history.
Some highlights:
1966: The Old Coot, who’d never shell out good money on motels, bought a rundown holiday shack at Pearl Beach for 457 quid. Current value: $4.7 mill.
1971: The Old Coot purchased the house of a dear neighbour suffering from Alzheimer’s for $3,567. The old lady’s family tried to have the sale nullified in court. The Old Coot won the case and that property is currently valued at $2.4 mill.
1989: Death of The Old Coot’s parents within six months of each other. The Old Coot’s father had done pretty well when he sold his medium size prosthetic limb factory on a very nice packet of suburban land when he retired in 1988. Being an only child, The Old Coot cleaned up. The proceeds from Dot and Bill’s estate came in at $3.45 mill.
1997: The death of The Old Coot’s first wife, Joy. Joy was never that good with money but she had a bit put aside from the estate of her only relative, Pat. Pat never married. Unlike Joy, Pat knew the value of a bob. Pat took every shift that came her way in the same small arms factory for 52 years. When Joy died, The Old Coot got Pat’s very handy legacy. Remarkable thing, that compound interest. Total: $834,000.
And so, it sinks in: The Old Coot is going nowhere!
Office life gets back to normal.
Only today (in yet another of those intimate one-to-one financial talks) an animated Old Coot reported he’d cancelled his long term sponsorship of a young’en in Africa. Apparently, there’s far, far better implications for tax if he moves his charitable activities back onshore.
Prawn Cutlet Award
September 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I found your blog on MSN Search. Nice writing. I will check back to read more.
Eric Hundin
September 18th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
You all come back sometime Eric ! And do pass on the KJ link to your dear friends.
Thanks very much, KJ
September 18th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
A very worrying trend. I report that here in the Greek community we have our own humiliating version of the Old Coot and that is – the Old Divorcees. These are elderly Greek couples who are getting divorced to simply avoid paying tax. Previously these people would have spat on the ground and held up the old crucifix when approached by a divorcee in the supermarket aisle but now it seems with the blessing of their Orthodox priests (who insist that a percentage of the rewards reaped go into the church collection plate) these people are feigning marriage finales.
Emergency response from KJ:
I have been in the story business for longer than you need to know but this exclusive report from Greek And Loving It, has knocked KJ’s socks off!
And make no mistake, Greek And Loving It, you do NOT exaggerate in your description of a ‘worrying trend’.
HOWEVER, there is an upside.
I believe this tax minimisation strategy has the power to jump cultural boundaries – and like how!
I want currently married couples of all backgrounds to try it out with gusto. KJ can see nothing but ‘win, win’.
Come on, join the campaign to make Australia’s divorce rates the envy of the world!
September 19th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Lovie, Kerrie Jean,
You are a corker. But there is now too much giggling when work should be done!
cease and desist please,
‘love ya work’
Gretchen
PS… please please please, could the tired old lady, Ms Leeton Motel (Paris H’s little known sis) make an appearance? I’ve missed her.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
You realise that “Greek and Loving It” ’s story means I’ll HAVE TO GET MARRIED.
As someone in a de facto relationship, I cannot prove a de facto ‘divorce’ without moving out. Cost of other accommodation plus not seeing child outweighs tax benefit. I won’t go into complex calculations about house work done or not done in existing residence versus housework done or not done – mainly the latter I would suspect – in new residence.
However, a married person simply files for divorce, and once the paperwork goes through, the tax office would be happy,… though you might need to set up the spare bedroom as a (tax?) haven for one parent.
Ad Deliquium (look it up, you’ll love it though it’s Latin, not Greek), I need to get married in order to get divorced to take advantage of this ‘opportunity’.
Cost of getting married… my calculator just broke.
September 25th, 2008 at 6:28 am
So may we assume that The Old Coot, KnickKnack, IS GOING NOWHERE?