Exclusive: The PM Is Messing: The Ginger Man
I would say at the outset that the ABC had the wrong title.
It should be The Prime Minister is MESSING.credit: flickr dbking
Click here to remind yourself what the ABC was doing: The Prime Minister Is Missing.
Messing around is not uncommon among politicians, particularly those of high ministerial ranking, and Harold Holt was no exception.
In his case, it was not a typiste (forgive me for the non-feminist final vowel) or a reverent, kneeling Clintonesque internette.
At last it can be revealed. It was Messing with the Occult.
After leaving Bletchley Park, which I have covered in another post here concerning Nipples, Australia’s security organization, ASIO, secured my services concerning the PM’s disappearance.
They were desperate.
They may have seen my Trinity College, Dublin thesis, Cannabis in the Depths: Kelpomania in the Aran Islands. The manuscript details the many cases of fishermen in the Gaeltach mysteriously disappearing from their currachs down through the ages.
Much myth surrounds these vanishments. There are many legends of beautiful maidens luring men to a watery grave.
Nor, I hasten to add, were all of these entrancements hetero. Indeed, there are examples in song and story of Achilles-Patroclus kinds of maritime entanglements which led to Davy Jone’s locker.
Which leads me to two topics: Prime Ministerial Power Walking and Mermen.
Have you noticed that John Howard, the former Australian Prime Minister, power walked his way every where?: down the road from the Lodge in Canberra, on the streets of Washington, in fact everywhere from Beijing to Bullamakanka.
There is, however, one place where the Howard Nikes have never trod, and that is…PORTSEA.
You can scour the sands and you’ll never find so much as a Man Friday Howard footprint before those intimidating, dark and curling waves hurling the deadly Cannabis Kelp on the shoreline.
Why does he stay away?
It is because there is a Top Secret ASIO file detailing Harold Holt’s delight in Chinese stiry-fry with Kelp as a principal ingredient.
Holt’s obsession was with Chinese Cooking, not with Chinese Submarines.
Ingestion of Cannabis Kelp leads to hallucinations, and a change of consciousness to the secret world to be untapped behind the cerebral Hypothalamus.
This enables the subject to hear the Mysterious Voice from the Depths, calling:
Come away, come away.
The Call of the Merman is irresistible, and Harold Holt could not escape.
In Greek myths, mermen were often illustrated to have green seaweed-like hair, a beard, and a trident. In Irish mythology, mermen are described as extremely ugly creatures with pointed green teeth, pig-like eyes, green hair, and a red nose. In Finnish mythology (vetehinen) the merman is often portrayed as a magical, powerful, handsome, bearded man with the tail of a fish. He can cure illnesses, lift curses and brew potions but he can also cause unintended harm by becoming too curious about human life.
The PM is Messing! (credit: Flickr DSC_0018)
The actions and behavior of mermen can vary wildly depending on the source and time period of the stories. They have been said to sink ships by summoning great storms, but also said to be wise teachers, according to earlier mythology. A merman, like a mermaid, attracts humans with singing and tones.
In some modern works and films, however, mermen are portrayed as handsome, strong and brave. They are almost always portrayed wearing no clothing, no matter what the temperature of the water is, with the exception of armour or cloaks in some settings.
There is a great body of literature on this topic, but so far as I am aware nobody other than The Ginger Man has pointed to the merman’s secret weapon of Cannabis Kelp.
Fortunately, the latest Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has been briefed on the dangers and no Cabinet member will be straying on Portsea shores now or in the future.
So, grieve not for Harold Holt. He is not in your prawn curry or shark fin soup.
Instead, he is carousing in a weedy underwater cavern with his pal, The Merman.
You would not recognize him now because he has quite a beard, long and very green and moving with the ebb and flow of the tide.
As I told ASIO when I began my research: It’s a fishy business, this disappearance.
Rest easy, however, because my For Your Eyes Only report has reached the attention of our present Prime Minister.
There is no danger Kevin Rudd will be lured by mysterious voices calling, Come away, come away. Not so sure, however, about Malcom Turnbull or Peter Costello.
–The Ginger Man
What do you make of The Ginger Man’s thesis? Have you ever been tempted to leave your family for the merman life? Is it really realistic to claim that K. Rudd is mermen-proof? If Malcolm Turnbull went off with a merman, would he be merman enough to take responsibility? Anything else……?
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Comment of the Week
October 29th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
please, please kerrie jean enough of harold holt. does it really matter or does anyone really care that he was taken by aliens, the chinese or renegade members of the nsw liberal party. the point is he’s gone. now, he may be remembered in leeton, but nowhere else. so let’s move on. what about billy mcmahon’s trip to washington and Sonia’s amazing dress. what did the young kerrie jean think of that? did you run down to the leeton newsagent to get your copy of the special edition of women’s weekly. that is a turning point in australian history, not an aquatic adventure off the victorian coast!
October 29th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
So Stan: What would you do if The Ginger Man filed? Well, let me tell you, I’ve been in this business a very long time and if copy comes across my table with a Trinity College insignia and a by-line, The Ginger Man, I publish and quickly. Does the name: JP Donleavy mean anything to you?
You’re right though Stan to bring up Sonia McMahon’s ‘amazing’ dress. You ask: What did the young Kerrie Jean think of that? Many things Stan. First of all, I was 14 when I saw a pic in the (now defunct) Daily Mirror of Sonia coming down the stairs at the White House in that long, white dress with outrageous never before seen side splits right up to her belly button. And when I say: Never seen before, I mean never seen before: not at the Leeton Rice Bowl Festival Ball, not in Ellnor Grassby’s dress shop in Griffith, not in Washington. It was also the first time I overheard my parents, Gwennie and Hec, talking about adult concepts. Gwennie told Hec she thought only a women with a figure like Sonia could get away with a split level, open plan dress. Hec didn’t agree: Billy McMahon is a ponce and, as for his wife….if anyone else paraded around in a get up like that, they’d be called a tart.
What’s not well known Stan is that when host President Nixon saw Sonia arrive at the White House semi-naked he turned to Pat and whispered: Always thought old Billy was punchin’ above his weight.
October 29th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Well Stan,it is obvious enough that you are not a Trinity man.
Not that that means that you are deficient in any respect.
It just means that you have been denied some of my experiences, such as The Field Trip to Jameson Distillery (that’s where I first became interested in Cannabis Kelp & the Occult.)
It is also obvious to me that I have failed. From my perspective it is a serious matter that a Merman can be in his sea cave with one Prime Minister in the bag, and the potential to snaffle another to his lair.
‘Come away, come away’ is his seductive call. Given in a deep baritone.. (I first thought it might be like Roussos, but I was wrong).
What is even more disturbing to my mind is that the Merman might have Onshore Collaboratore.
What’s the Anti-Terrorist clique doing about that?
Thank you for mentioning the McMahons, who had as Gough said at the time, exotic tastes.
Tiberius with a Telephone was indeed a good description. He used to ring the ABC almost every night to get the wood on his opponents (all Liberals).
One night he rang and the man who took the call mentioned the social mores of our time.
McMahon: What’s a more?
ABC man: When the mon hits your eye like a bigga pice of pie
THAT’S A MORE.
There was no danger of the McMahons being lured away by Merman’s ‘Come away, come away.’
Despite his many frightening aspects, Merman has Taste.