ABC Locks KJ Out Of Chistmas!
Â
I won’t be going to the RN Christmas Party this year. I had no say in the matter but, at this stage of the year, I’m too tired to scratch my bum let alone cause a stink over a lame Yuletide ‘do’.
Some background: RN called for expressions of interest for its Christmas party last week. I immediately expressed same and was promptly given this form to fill in. See results.
Are you aware staff behaviour at the RN Christmas party is under the Rosetta Stone, the Shroud of Turin, Fair Isle jumpers and the legislation of one Federal, six state and two territory governing bodies. Answer: So you say BUT history shows legislating for behaviour has always been an an abject failure.
***Have you ever inappropriately groped a colleague during work hours? Answer: Yes, I have groped colleagues but it certainly wasn’t inappropriate. We found it positively thrilling: sneaky, dangerous and funded by the ABC.
***Are you allergic to any traditional Christmas Party snacks? Answer: N/A. I never eat while I’m partying hard.
***Will there be people at the RN Christmas party whose presence will engender strong emotions (eg anger or fear) in you? Answer: 92-98% of attendees.
***Will you take drinks at the RN Party to celebrate the year or forget it? Answer: Neither. I will be taking drinks to remember everyone who’s every wronged me.
***Will you be buying a ticket in the RN Christmas Party’s door prize? Answer: Yes. Particularly since it’s a real collector’s item: a gift boxed set of the best of The Religion Report.
RN Religion Unit: Xmas 1983 (flickr credit: mthomps00)
So, I sent my completed form back - and, straight away, got this reply:
Dear staffer no 675489 - Unfortunately, under our new OH&S obligations, we cannot risk your presence at RNs or, for that matter, any other ABC Christmas Party. We have checked your file and do realise that you are of the generation (completed journalism cadetship in 1979) where behaviour at industry functions was completely unregulated. At the ABC, we use the case of Mr G. Milne mounting the stage at the 2006 Walkley awards and trying to take out at a guest presenter, as our Christmas party filter. When we receive a Christmas Party EOI form, we check answers and then ask ourselves: Do we think this person is in anyway capable of ‘doing’ a Mr G. Milne? In your case , we quickly concluded that you are a GM just waiting to happen. So, Merry Christmas KJ - and please be assured, you are welcome to view the Corporation’s Giving Tree in the atrium at any time. The Mangement.
***Would love hear about how your work Christmas Party is shaping up….. an invite wouldn’t go astray……Are you of a generation who can remember the days when work functions were self-regulated? Did you take your self-regulation responsibilities seriously? Are you a supporter of highly regulated work functions? What’s more dangerous - being an RAN diver in the Middle East or attending your work Xmas Party. Anything else…..?
….just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space - not necessary!
(Totally separate thingo…..)
IMPORTANT: DO IT FOR HEC! As you may know, our dear correspondent, Andra, wants to add another gong to my ‘The Bitch Most Likely’ Award I won hands down at Leeton High School in 1972. Andra has nominated kerriejean.com for the prestigious Weblog awards. I am currently in a shitfight to make it to the finals. Just click on this:
( http://2008.weblogawards.org/nominations/best-humor-blog/ )
Ignore all of the pretenders and scroll down quite a bit until you see kerrie.jean.com (and Andra’s elegant nomination). Click on that little green button - and you’re out of there. DO IT FOR HEC!
November 14th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
What Christmas party? Here in the shockingly scholarly corridors a hot, empty wind blows. No Dean… no students lolling under gum trees, perhaps a security guard or two and a burgeoning in-box. Disgruntled up and comings wanting to know how they “could improve” on a D grade. In my day it was pass/fail only. And we weren’t scared to work close to the line. I am tempted to leave my lair, and pedal fast down one of the busiest traffic intersections in the country sans helmet, but even that would be disappointing. I am reduced to posting without purpose. I don’t want to bring you down or anything. Must have been that board meeting the other day where it was suggested that the bottom line wasn’t really the bottom line but somehow the Auditor General wanted it that way and our accountant said it wasn’t correct. He won’t sign off. But, if his refusal goes on the record, he will sign off. There was more. Wait a minute here’s an email. Must go could be an invite.
November 14th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I think hubby is going to the RN Christmas party (we have a connection on the door) and I bet KJ you are there, at least I hope so, I want to talk to you.
I’m planning to do something to my foot so that I don’t have to dance with my husband, the Selfish Dancer. I’ve asked him to tone down but he won’t. Last time we danced he dribbled on me and then laughed.
It’s funny that it’s mostly wogs that plan the social events at the ABC don’t you think? Or those who love wogs? I predict that men’s sports shorts are going to be above the knee this summer.
KJ: Dear Greek and loving it - did you not read that letter I got from ABC management? - I have been BANNED from the RN Xmas party. Apparently, I’m some sort of threat. However, if you want to have a chat I’ll meet you under the big ABC Giving Tree at 11pm sharp, party night. I’m the one stuffing donations into an oversize enviro bag.
November 14th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Hello The Lonely Scholar - you, as always, could do with a little bit of cheering up. Would you like me to try and get you into the RN Christmas Party? I don’t think you are anywhere near GM Capable. I’m not saying you’re NOT dangerous though - have you ever bored anyone to death? God bless you.
November 14th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Honoured and Esteemed KJ,
Thor smite me with his jagged bolts and banish me to the underworld if I do not strap on sword and harness and accompany you to house of broadcasting for feasting!
My blade shall slake its thirst on blood of OH&S officer who refuse you entry to mead-hall!
Cruel the blow of my hammer that shall split skull of hoary door-crone who bar your way!
In last weeks my work on new English translation of saga of Burnt Njal keep me from sphere of blog.
Now I return to sea of cyber-waves to find your honour besieged by pale weakling bureaucrat from Hall of Human Resources who hide in straw beneath stables when time come in spring for warriors to bestride the whale road and seek glory pillaging the shores of English weaklings.
Picture of feasting at Hall of RN Religious Department fill me with longing and homesickness for mead-hall of my fathers in Trondheim, not to speak of stirring beneath tunic.
So too we feast naked but for garland of rowan-leaves beneath the North-Star! Esteemed KJ, perhaps you introduce me to charming young lady in picture!
Together the three of us sup deep from mead-horn and dance beneath moon to drums of the foamy deep!
Only one question cloud my mind. Is warrior who share picture with comely wench truly he who banished is from house of broadcasting, Stephen of Crittrondeim?
Ragnar Hairy-Breeks
November 15th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Oh Ragnar Hairy-Breeks,
As usual, you do not write, you sing……
And yes, it is indeed the face of Stephen of Crittondeim - a kind and gentle soul who, if you chance upon the ABC Christmas Giving Tree, you shall see him wedged between the sword set and the box of six finger puppets.
November 15th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
KJ,
Perhaps it has come time for a solitary time for KJ, Kerrie the Contemplative, away from tinsel and bells, the yelling of yuletide, the ding of the dollar into the communion with the wind, rain, stars and moon.
I have thought of recreating a bark canoe and sailing Sydney Harbour at night and lighting a wormwood fire on some solitary rock.
As Stephen Ward observed, we are born alone and we die alone.
In your search for Man Monday you might find his footprint on some unknown strand.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Dear KJ
Last year I struggled to make a mark on the staff of a nearby primary school. Disrepectful lot they were too. My immediate edict related to clothing. No rubber thongs. No thong underwear that could be seen to the casual viewer. No thongs, full stop. At the staff xmas do, my Kris Kringle pressie was of course a pair of pink rubber thongs, a size 8 pink thong, (I’m rather large and a cotton tail sort of female), and a one way V Line bus ticket back to my old school. After consuming a bottle and a half of Yellow sparkling, to my lasting shame, I demonstrated the wearing of gifts. Thank god I wasn’t the one who was given a size 20 double D cup edible bra.
No staff parties for me 2008.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Dear Meg - In my younger days, I lived with an edible bra fetishist. It was never going to work. He was eating through my bras at up to eight a week. Impossible to sustain on Austudy.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:43 am
KJ,
The edible bra to which I referred, was not of some sickly raspberry flavoured rubber. It was made of balls of hard candy threaded on elastic. Now that’s a lot of calories for a size 20 DD. Not one dessert was sold to any of the staffers that night. The original wearer of the bra has since sought surgical breast reduction. However, she found the cost prohibitive on a teacher’s salary.
KJ Have you ever met up with your bra fetishist friend now you are on the lucrative payroll of RN?
KJ: Recently when I was feeling lonely I did give him a call. It was embarrassing to say the least. The edible bra fetishist didn’t even remember me. He said I shouldn’t take it personally….he was so full of himself! Went on and on….said this year was going to be a record breaker. Up until the end of October, he’d eaten 1,789 bras which was pretty good for a man who’d relocated to Tasmania. The whole thing just left me feeling lonelier, if that’s possible.
November 16th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
KJ, my dear girl, where is that Mr G Milne? Ignore the hoopla - gatecrash the “do”.
GATE CRASHING:
1. Take a copy of The Aust Constitution. Yell out: “How can you run a bloody Radio Network when ya don’t know the first thing about how the country hangs together!” That will let ‘em know that you have arrived, dressed as one of Santa’s reindeer.
2. Grope your companion reindeer, Mr Milne, who will be masquerading as Prancer or Dancer.
3. Raise your rating of 92-98% of by reminding the assembled that you got your job on merit unlike some of those turkeys who got there by other means, namely arse-licking. Wacko - you’ve have just hit 100%.
4. Drink quickly, if it’s on the house and say something like: ‘I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire”.
5. Security will arrive and you have no chance of winning anything let alone the boxed set of great moments from The Religion Report.
ACCEPT THE ESCORTED LEAVE WITH DIGNITY.
Trust me, those other attendees REALLY are having a shockingly boring time and secretly wish that you and Mr Milne would come back.
Let me know how you go. And let me assure you, you WILL survive the next restructure. Merry Xmas KJ.
November 16th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
KJ,
The Ginger Man begs you KJ should you weaken and go to the RN end of the year bash determine that you shall not in any circumstances allow one drop of ethanol to pass through your petal-like lips, because alcohol can act like a Truth Serum, and the last thing people, particularly bosses, want from you is large doses of Vino Veritas.
For example, it is not true that the danger in absinthe is that it contains wormwood.
The danger is that it’s around 100 per cent alcohol, as I discovered at the Royal Society annual bash. A loud American scientist interrupted my discourse on why Antipodeans become excited because they are upside down and gravity makes cerebral blood flow stronger. The Yank declared that my assertion was ‘Not worth a hill of beans.’
Don’t you mean a SKULL of beans? I inquired, pointing out to him that not so long ago the Society collected skulls from around the world, filled the brain pans with beans and the counted them, ‘discovering’ that Nordic Man (i.e. English and Germans) had the most beans while darker races and Mediterraneans had much less.
True, but it led to TGM being shouted down and evicted. As our Hebrew friends put it, Tell the Truth and be Driven out of Nine Villages.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Dear Miss KJ
I tried to warn you about the dangers of office Christmas parties some time ago. Your superiors are banning you from the RN do FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
Now the Good News.
I’ve had a word with your boss (BEAM ME UP) SCOTTY, and he absolutely insists that you attend the opening of AUSTRALIA tonight.
He told me just five minutes ago:
And I quote:
“Australia the Movie will be an epic - and I expect kerriejean.com to be on that
red carpet in her finest.”
Then he started raving about cross platform opportunities, and I had to hang up. Life’s too short.
I will say this though - Alan Jones told me early this morning that AUSTRALIA is one of the most inspiring, stunning, moving extravaganzas ever made about this beautiful wide brown land. AJ then counselled: “There will be knockers, there always are. But IGNORE THEM. We in the STICK N’PICK Club are right behind Our Hugh.”
I agree. I’ve seen a 30 seconds promo for AUSTRALIA and that was enough.
I don’t think I’m giving too much away if I tell you that there’s Our Nic, stunning in the most beautiful PURE WHITE dress, and there’s our Hugh, bronzed and sweaty in a dirty workshirt astride a steaming stallion. I’m betting that O.N. will be ravished by O.H. in outback ways never before seen or even seen before on the big screen. Add some stunning shots of sweeping plains for the Oz Tourism industry and a cute little aboriginal boy and you’ve got an international box office hit.
And I don’t care what the knockers say. In fact the knockers should be taken out the back and shot. (SHOOT THE TRAITOR - could be the makings of new TV Reality show, just when the old brand is showing signs of tiredness).
As a Great Man said on Radio Rupert at the week end - too many people in the media are having a quiet wank among friends (I’m paraphrasing Rupert’s words) and not giving the people what they want. I’m reminded that it was Rupert’s mighty organ The (London) Sun that introduced the Page 3 Nipple big time to international journalism.
With this in mind (not so much the nipple - more GIVING THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT), I’ve just emailed Baz with a blockbuster idea for following up on AUSTRALIA. It’s the story of five beautiful sisters - the daughters of a WW2 flying ace - and it’s called LEETON THE MOVIE.
Let’s just say that Baz is looking forward to seeing you at the after party.
November 18th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Man-In-Grey, as always lots to think about in here……just for starters, Mr Jones, Mr Murdoch, our Nic’s 11 cm jodhpured waist (and that’s a guesstimate on the high side) and….Hugh J. Just quietly, he’s NEVER done it for me. Reminds me of the mole-skinned Yanco Agricultural College Boys who used to line up (panting, jostling, crash tackling) to greet Leeton High School girls when we were bussed out for what were loosely promoted as ‘dances’. At one such ‘dance’, a young HJ lookalike (from Jugiong, I recall) asked me to ‘dance’. He found me irresistible. So irresistible that while we were gyrating away, he suddenly went for the big pash. Unfortunately, he gouged his teeth into my bottom lip. Lots of blood AND I must have had an allergic reaction because by the time I got home, my lip was 5 times its normal size and was pushed up against my nostrils. Hec was very angry: But, it doesn’t surprise me he said Doesn’t surprise me at all…..nothing good has ever come out of that bloody Country Party…!