Exclusive: The Picture That Stopped Xmas At The ABC
This is the face of the top RN documentary maker who has ruined Christmas for everyone at the ABC.
The photograph was on my desk when I arrived at work today. An accompanying note (unsigned) read:
KJ, I’ve read of your fury at being banned from RN’s Xmas Party. But, tightened OH&S and behavioural regulations are not to blame. This is the photograph (taken at RN’s Christmas party 2007) that forced ABC Management to urgently rethink its approach to all staff parties. Note: The man in this picture is not only following the long tradition of Australian men experimenting with gender, he is also tied up.
I could NOT believe my eyes. I have been in the business since 1979. I have covered droughts and flooding rains. I have been privy to ordinary people’s hopes and dreams. I have seen strong men weep and weak men ask me out – but mostly – I have gone home, downed my five favourite Lean Cuisines in one go….and slept well.
BUT, I fear slumber will not come easily for many nights to come.
For the man who ruined Christmas for everyone at the ABC is one of RN’s best and brightest. Born in Adelaide and educated at the same prestigious college as Don Dunstan, TOM MORTON should know better. He has a Doctorate in Germanic Studies, is a documentary maker of international repute click here if you can’t believe it and has the love of a proud wife and two gifted children. The most heartbreaking thing in all this? Dr Morton is the union delegate at RN. Many nervy staffers with intimate problems of an industrial nature have placed their trust in him. I can only shudder at what they think of this sickening tableau.
Personally speaking, my fury over being banned from the RN Christmas party, has gone. I feel nothing: nothing for any of my former defactos, nothing for the hairdresser who told me that long hair on women over 40 drags their faces down even further, nothing for my preferred nutrients, trans fats – NO NOTHING!
Your taxes fund the likes of Dr Morton so over to you….. What discipline would you like to see imposed on him for not only bringing RN – the jewel in the ABC’s Crown – into disrepute BUT ruining Christmas for all ABC staffers. He has a life which many would envy. Why, why, why, is it apparently NOT enough? And while I’m at it – is your life good enough or are you like Dr Morton – never satisfied?
….just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
(Totally separate thingo…..)
IMPORTANT: DO IT FOR HEC! As you may know, our dear correspondent, Andra, wants to add another gong to my ‘The Bitch Most Likely’ Award I won hands down at Leeton High School in 1972. Andra has nominated kerriejean.com for the prestigious Weblog awards. I am currently in a shitfight to make it to the finals. Just click on this:
( http://2008.weblogawards.org/nominations/best-humor-blog/ )
Ignore all of the pretenders and scroll down quite a bit until you see kerrie.jean.com (and Andra’s elegant nomination). Click on that little green button – and you’re out of there. DO IT FOR HEC!
Comment of the Week
November 18th, 2008 at 1:10 am
KJ, I have filed this nomination in the weblog awards – http://2008.weblogawards.org/nominations/best-humor-blog/
(scroll right down to near the bottom of the noms and click on that green button – DO IT FOR HEC!)
I must nominate Kerrie Jean ABC Radio National because her blogsite
is so delightful that I have been able to join AA (Absinthe Anonymous) with a smile on my lips, and also to become a pioneer member of the No We Can’t, No we Can’t, No We Can’t political movement as well as planning the Sarah Palin Fashion Show for Young Political Aspirants.
November 18th, 2008 at 5:03 am
The Ginger Man – You drive me crazy….. and then you do something nice like that…..
Any advice to our disgraced Dr Morton? – as the pictorial evidence shows, he’s already enjoyed his own private Sarah Palin fashion parade and, by all accounts, may still be in the grip of absinthe.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
KJ
Never mind about the bondage. Ask Dr Morton where he got that dress. My granny had an Osti just like it. I would love to get my hands on one for the 2009 staff Xmas party.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
KJ,
Does the deco on the ear mean (a) I am AVAILABLE (b) I am from the No Friends At All delegation or (c) I am going ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE?
I’d favour the third option because if if you click on the driving animation the graphics and the steering wheel take you nowhere. There’s about the same motion forward as watching Cary Grant and his girl in a covertible both talking and never once watching the road.
The Doctor is obviously not only going no place, but is like Einstein’s notions -
BEYOND SPACE AND TIME.
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TURN THE SITE INTO A KID’S GAME. Imagine if the same steam technology was used to teach driving lessons on the computer.
The dress? Is it retrofunkypostmod, or a political statement, or a gender protest statement?
Greek and loving it might be able to enlighten us. Is this the sort of neo-pagan constuming found only at festivals on lonely hills in Arcadia? Is there a touch of the Greater Dionysia? Is Dr Morton performing a New Comedy that satirizes the ABC gods? Has he snigged the vapours at Delfi and had a close encounter with a Python?
OR
Has Dr Morton crossed over into the Twilight Zone after being infected by an Alien?
There is much for conjecture here.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I think I have it! How could I have overlooked it in view of my history?
Look at the eyes! I can spot an absinthe user at a hundred paces.
The man has stepped over into an existential world of starry starry nights, of paints of blue and grey (best viewed on a summer’s day).
Say hello to Vincent for me, Doc.
They’re not listening, they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will……..
KJ:
And don’t forget who’s taking Doc home
And in whose arms he’s gonna be
Oh Doc
Save the last dance for me…….
November 20th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Dr Morton I just have just one thing to say to you. You are NOT the Messiah you are just a naughty boy.
But for me? Even though most of the time I am like totally smug, sometimes I say to my sister: frankly I’m desperate for a little frisson. She goes yes.
So some advice Dr Morton. Get out of the dress and get yourself an imaginary lover. Much like the imaginary friend you had as a child, but in this case try to make it someone you know and see regularly. Choose someone who you only ever see with a group or at least three other people. Ugly is good because no-one will suspect you even target them. Avoid needy types or people who know where Wallerwerang is.
November 20th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Dear KJ,
Why a photograph of myself trussed up with perfectly serviceable blue gardening twine available from any hardware shop should have occasioned such excitement amongst your correspondents I cannot think.
After all, it is de rigeur for men to don ill-fitting frocks everytime they appear on television to discuss a game of football.
However, for the record, I wish to clarify the following points:
My apparel and accoutrements were devised as part of a dramatic tableau intended to represent a whale, in the course of a talent quest – one of the fund-raising activities which RN has regrettably found necessary to supplement its shrinking budget.
Don’t ask me why I was supposed to look like a whale – it was the idea of a doyen of the performing arts who happened to be at our table, and her assistants who trussed me up.
At the climax of the performance, I was pierced with a souvlaki stick – intended to represent a harpoon.
Lest anyone fear that a breach of ABC Editorial Policies might have occurred, I hasten to add that a representative of the Japanese whaling industry was on hand to answer questions.
I was under the influence of nothing more potent than Reichelbrau Kristallweizen, albeit applied in liberal quantities.
Meg, I am sorry to disappoint you but that was not a dress, rather a shirt purchased for me by my beloved at a boutique in Haight-Ashbury.
And finally, Ginger Man and Greek and loving it: I am neither available nor in need of an imaginary lover. All of us like a little frisson from time to time, and at RN one is constantly surrounded by colleagues as glamorous as they are mysterious – but I can assure you that I have a rich and rewarding erotic life, not all of it entirely imaginary,
Yours,
Dr Morton
November 21st, 2008 at 5:16 am
Dear Greek and loving it……
Sometimes life is as strange as you……..My next post is all about frisson: imaginary or not! As for your suggestion that desperate people should target the ugly – condescending to say the least. How’s that going to make me feel better? I will continue to target the intelligent, beautiful and wealthy. I don’t get up in the morning for anything less!
November 23rd, 2008 at 8:09 am
Dr Morton – let me put it like this.
I am Kevin Rudd. You are Minister Morton. You have been photographed around Canberra nightspots in the signature zany tent embassy dresses the former Senator, Amanda Vanstone, left at Parliament House to be raffled off for children’s charities. Further, you tell me that when the House rises you always head straight to Bunnings where you spend hours enjoying the different textures of products and closely observing staff in your capacity as the Minister For Small Business. Then you provide pictorial evidence of your rich and rewarding erotic life back home in the WA wheatbelt. You are GONE Minister Morton……..GONE like that Leeton fella at his 21st.
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:29 am
Dear Dr Morton,
You WERE wearing an Osti. Your beloved shopped only at the boutique known as the “House of V de P”. Changing of labels is just one length a RN partner will go to ingratiate self with the major bread winner. As for witnessing you being pierced by a kebab stick…let’s hope the other chicken was well cooked.
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:55 am
Greek and loving it, you still DON’T GET IT. YOU persist in giving out advice and views as if you own all the electrons in the universe. It is a well known fact that the homo sapien is no more than a cluster of electrons, but you seem to have attracted only those that underpin PERVERSION.
So Dearest Dr Morton do NOT, as advised by the pervert, take that dress off. She is merely trying to create another perving avenue.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Dear KJ, I will NOT have a word said against Bunnings!
It’s the best bloke spotting patch, only rivalled by a rally of sweaty, angry CFMEU members down George Street.
Bunnings staff are VERY, VERY HAPPY. They don’t need workplace agreements. They’d do it for nothin’.
The free sausage sizzle means that at my place, we eat every Sunday gratis. I use the surplus cash to add to my personal collection of chainsaws.
KJ, SEE YOU THERE. It’s a great opportunity to get the Chrissy lights and tie them round the entire neighbourhood (take note Dr Morton).
November 26th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
kj, no, the xmas-quencher is really ahead of his time. recently from ‘the vine’ …
‘Since launching two weeks ago on Rakuten, a major Japanese web shopping mall, the Wishroom shop has sold over 300 men’s bras for 2,800 yen ($30) each. The shop also stocks men’s panties, as well as lingerie for women.
‘I like this tight feeling. It feels good,’ Wishroom representative Masayuki Tsuchiya told Reuters as he modelled the bra, which can be worn discreetly under men’s clothing.
Perhaps a xmas stocking (or more) for all non-believers could restore the balance. let’s see, sizes … the boof, the double-boof …
November 27th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
hi tackle – you are always SO onto it! You alerted us to the marketing of BUM bras – and now, MEN’S bras. I’d love to know whether your work demands you keep up with such trends….OR you just do it because you love it!
November 28th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
hi kj,
my attitude to this kind of work is certainly fervent and my motivation is quest-like – some unexpected gains, some disappointments – to find the ONE TRUE BRA. there are so many out there and to find even ONE that fits (fits a tit, a bum, a man boob, anything!) can be revelatory. a bra fitter once seriously asked me: did i want one to wear or to stand up in? likewise the swimming cossies (if i can go there for a moment) – oh, you want to SWIM in it? crikey, it would give one the idolatrous tit.
November 29th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
hi tackle – thank you very for clarifying things so swiftly. We all have one less thing to worry about. To know that we have a member of our little cyber community working around the clock to find, identify and bring home The ONE TRUE BRA makes me proud, very proud indeed. Please keep us up to date on all developments. KJ
Another thing: Who on earth is the market for something called The Minimiser?
November 29th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Dear KJ and hi tackle,
At last we have a topic more relevant that the Manhattan Project and Hitler’s Missing Testicle (all covered in RN progs).
The One True Bra – if marketed globally (there is no D Cup in Depression) – could prevent an economic collapse. It’s from the One Size Fits All School of Marketing at the University of Chicago.
(Milton Freedman).
Actually Miss KJ, there IS a bra called The Shrinker (which you should never buy). It’s the top seller in Tonga, The Lebanon, Egypt and the Friendly Isles. The Shrinker first appeared there when it was brought in by Bible Society missionaries in the 19th Century.
There is another for colder climates called The Salt Cellar and I see no reason why it could not be marketed as the One True Bra Mk II under the brandname
Small ‘Uns.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:07 am
mmm, or salt ‘n’ peppa? I hope the Shrinkers find some guy-cache because I never want to hear myself say ‘nice rack’ to a bloke. btw, we haven’t even touched on the contraption to conceal back fat. Back fat? google google google.