Hacked!: Nerviest Week Up A Notch
Before, I tell you WHAT exactly happened, let me assure you:
***You are a valued member of a supportive cyber community.
***Things sometimes get a little heated in our space but that’s good. We are passionate people in a pragmatic world.
***Bringing our little community together has been the best thing that’s ever happened - a joyous task when so much of my life has been marked by lost opportunities - in love, platonic friendships and work. Eg: Only yesterday, I was dropped as the Australian stringer for NZTV’s coverage of today’s historic election. Apparently, I’m hologram incompatible.
SO, I am very, very sorry that when you recently sought succour in our familiar and vibrant little space, it was anything but. Instead, you were confronted by:
Yes, a picture of Ataturk, backgrounded by a flapping Turkish flag - quite nice graphics really - but the work of perhaps the web’s greatest menace: a man by the name of Mr Iskorpitx.
Yes, we were hacked by Mr Iskorpitx but please do not be concerned. You and your bank account details are safe. Me and mine, likewise. The best thing we can do is continue as if Mr Iskorpitx had never rung our doorbell. And rest assured, RN’s cyber security people LIVE by best practice. They didn’t hold back - they gave my server a very big serve indeed…
So, welcome back.
I’m OK though I still have the visible signs of my signature stress reaction. What happens is instantaneous on receipt of a shock. The socket of my left eye contracts, making that eye bulge. The sudden increase in optical pressure facilitates the rapid development of grainy red fissures centred on the retina. These fissures quickly spread in spidery patterns all over the corneal catchment area. It is painful: it is ugly. My signature stress reaction first occurred in 1972 when I found out that the handsome boy I was sharing my inner life, and the occasional can of bundy and coke with, was 16-timing me. I now look on the bright side: When my eye blows out and up, I know my body is telling me to something. Let’s just say that this time it was SCREAMING that Mr Iskorpitx was taking me - and 67,987 other people out - all at the same time…..
So, I would love to hear from you - more than ever in the circumstances…….
Has your personal space ever been invaded? Does your body do funny things when you’re stressed? What’s your signature physical stress reaction? When should young men be forced into monogamy?
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space - not necessary!
November 8th, 2008 at 9:13 am
YOU HAVE BEEN HACKED BY ISKORPITX THE DREADFUL
Boardies have been unable to blog here because of a crazy Turk who has infiltrated your out-sourced Internet Server in Mumbai or whatever, and replaced the Lovely Kerrie Jean with a pic of Kemal Ataturk and the Turkish Flag. This man is the worst hacker of All Time!
Bloggers are entitled to the results of The Ginger Man’s investigation:
Thank God you’re here, said the ABC pundits as The Ginger Man walked into their Ultimo headquarters and deposited his smoking Sobranie into the security guard’s open palm.
We’ve been hacked!
Upstairs I could hear the emotionally-challenged voice of KJ, Leeton’s answer to Vera Lynn, calling out:
Why, why, why?
Do you have the password? Demanded the ABC Radio National Cyber Security Wallah, seizing me from behind in a choking hold, which I quickly broke with a deft manoeuvre learned years ago in Bletchley Park.
Able was I ere I saw Elba, I told the Wallah.
Wassat?
I lit another Sobranie and dropped the still burning lucifer into his hand.
I then pointed to my deerstalker hat.
Going both ways, I drawled.
Wassat?
I sighed.
It’s a palindrome, means the same thing backwards or forwards.
The heavy relaxed.
We, we…have been…
I know, I said, you’ve been hacked by the man who has been my Moriarty for years.
He’s the Greek-hater, the Gallipoli-gorilla, a man who thought Midnight Express was a light comedy flick, the Ataturk worshipper, the poo in a Turkish Delight, horror in a houmous.
Why, he could have caused the Coogee Gelato Shit Fiasco – the DNA shows it was neither human nor animal.
I first encountered him at Bletchley Park when we were working on Ultra and Enigma for the Secret Service.
He was swarthy, ill-shaven, smelled horrible, had one continuous eyebrow, which he dyed black, wore a red fez and shouted incomprehensible swear words in Turkish while swilling hideous, disgusting black coffee from a stained cup, and picking at pus on sores on his hands.
We kept him on because he was worth a million computers, a true genius!
He had the perfect disguise, he could have been any mailman.
Now he’s here in Sydney !
What can we do? demanded the Security Wallah.
Lock up your daughters, and peer through a hole in the curtain when the mailman calls, dear boy. Nobody is safe from this Turkish Terror, who may be - if you want the truth - a heavily-dyed Scandinavian.
And, by the way, keep KJ under close scrutiny, top security guard. I think he is partial to blondes.
Again I could hear her:
Why, why, why?
I explained to the Wallah that KJ’s website had been hacked by none other than Iskorpitx the Dreadful.
Iskorpitx is estimated to have made about 180,000 attacks in his career, including one that has been labelled the “biggest in history”. In this attack, he reportedly hacked 21,459 websites in one shot and defaced all with a picture of the Turkish flag and his missive.
What’s the reason for his attack on little KJ, the Leeton Lark, the Rose of the Riverine?
Iskorpitx the Dreadful does not need a reason, I explained.
Perhaps it was Paul Keating’s assertion that Gallipoli was of no importance, and was an inhuman sacrifice for imperialism. If that is true, where does that leave Johnny Turk?
In the No Friends At All section of history.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Dear KJ,
A word of advice. Forget about Iskorpitx and look to the Ginger Man. Therein lies the real danger. YOU CAN CAGE A SWALLOW, CAN’T YOU. BUT YOU CAN’T SWALLOW A CAGE, CAN YOU?
November 8th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Dear KJ,
Your blog is now truly international with the hacking by Mr Turkey.
Will you be adopting the Bush Doctrine, now made famous by moose mama Palin? Or employ Palin herself, maybe she can also see Mr Turkey from her living room. I’m sure she and the dude can sort out a Turkey. I’ll tell you something for free, I’m mighty glad none of them can see me from their living rooms.
KJ: Only right MrsT that I tell YOU something for free as well….when SP looks out of the governor’s house in Juneau and sees Airforce 1 zipping by, she’ll be yelling to Todd, Trig etc.
Get miiy flap jacket now, get miiy flap jacket NOW……!!!
November 8th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Yes, I have been violated but I’ve turned my life around and am currently working for women and orphans in Africa (the entire continent). KJ, if you and your readers could send me bank account details I will spare you the trouble of transacting your concern. Love to all……..
KJ: Marmaduke - Super work! I have no qualms about ‘putting it out there…’ And, yes, that ‘Africa’ thingo can be very confusing. For example, when I first heard that Mr Obama snr came from Kenya, I thought: That must be a small town in Africa. My barista set me straight.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Thank you Iskorpitx. Your hacking of KJ gave me a couple of days without the wife nattering on about a certain Sydney beach suburb. It also gave me some catch up time with her in the sack. Talk about invasion of personal space. It’s you in mine KJ.
November 9th, 2008 at 5:39 am
Mr notafan - thrilled that Mr Iskorpitx allowed you to relaunch your tired old conjugal rights policy - for a whole 36 hours. Absolutely thrilled. ‘Cause, you better believe me, Mr notafan and Mr Iskorpitx will NEVER EVER get the chance to run amok EVER AGAIN. KJ
November 9th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
KJ will you be seeking compensation for the stress that The Turk has imposed upon you?
If so, may I suggest that you engage the services of the Coogee Bay Hotel aggrieved Faeces Gelato Consumer Family.
When I first touched down in Australia, on a contra deal, I was shocked to hear the vulgar Australian expression, ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a shit sandwich.’
As it turns out, perhaps Aussies, are prepared to eat anything for money.
News reports say the family has agreed to accept around $200,000 provided they shut up about the matter.
Does this mean that overcoming the Global Financial Crisis can be solved at a personal level by:
1. Borrow a friend’s poodle for an afternoon.
2.Feed it a mixture of Pal dog food and purgative.
3. Obtain a small plastic container and spoon.
4. Go to a crowded eatery that allows Spot to lie under the table.
5. Order a gelato.
6. Transfer Spot’s deposit into the sweetie.
7. Cry bloody murder to management and media.
8. If Spot is unmasked, run for the exit, otherwise sue and settle.
KJ: Re your question: Will I be seeking compensation because the ABC spectacularly, wilfully and maliciously FAILED under its duty of care provisions to keep me away from Mr Iskorpitx, the answer is: MOST CERTAINLY!
And management knows I mean business. I had a meeting with ABC MD, Mr Mark Scott, Friday 0830.
It was a farce…..
Perhaps you’d like to start KJ by taking that vodka bottle out of your mouth….he said.
The thing is Mr Scott, it’s all that’s keeping me sane….since the incident.
Sleeping KJ?
You jest, Mr Scott…..
Libido?
Gone like the Leeton-Whitton Crows in September’s Grand Final.
Appetite?
Gone like a Leeton fella at his 21st.
Anything we can do?
Mr Scott, you can do whatever you like. But, let me tell you that when I’m finished with the Corporation, you’ll have some very, very tough decisions to make in the area of funding.
Is that a threat?
Let’s just say Mr Scott, Mr Geoffrey Robertson QC assures me I’m worth 13 regional radio stations and/or ‘Australian Story’ and/or Playschool.
We’ll be settling out of court quite soon, methinks.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Mr Marmaduke,
I am so sorry that you have been violated but so proud of you having turned a nasty event into a spiritual awakening.
I am confident that our sweet and tender KJ will find solace in your redemption. She will say stuff like: “If Marmaduke can do it, then so can I.”
YES she will rise, phoenix-like and say this: “Oh Mr Iskorpitx I just don’t like you!!!” Gosh that’ll settle him down.
This is the way to get a bully. KJ will visualise Mr Iskorpitx going into a bank and being refused service! SO THERE……
(by the way, I picked up these anti-bullying strategies from a pamphlet given to me as a young teacher so I’d know what to do WHEN a Iskorpitx jnr tried it on).
KJ: Dear Fanny - you are obviously too sweet, too tender for your own good. While you visualise Mr Iskorpitx being refused a first home owner’s grant, my thoughts are a little more direct: SHOVE IT MR ISKORPITX, SHOVE IT!
November 9th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
You are quick to re-assure us KJ that our details and personals are safe but I wonder? I am going to put my ten year old and his cousin onto the job of tracking this bloke down and when they find him we’ll all go around to his place and - bomp! - he’ll have my handbag wrapped around his ears instead of that black shaking flag. This could well be the final straw for us Greeks; we have already suffered enough.
KJ: Greek and loving it…..
NEVER before have I been so pleased, so relieved to see a dear and very, very brave correspondent report back in. It is true….you have already suffered enough. Now, it’s the next generations turn.
November 9th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Hey KJ, c’mon you must relish the thrill of the mighty radio national defences diddled by a masked avenger… although he is probably masked for a very good reason if The Ginger Man is up to scratch.
But I smell a rat. Greek and loving it protests too much methinks! This hack attack is merely a feint, a furphy, a veritable red ataturk herring to prevent us from noticing that you have been nominated for a weblog award.
KJ SAYS: DO IT FOR HEC AND GWENNIE:
Loyal fans can second or third or further your nomination for Best Humor Blog ( http://2008.weblogawards.org/nominations/best-humor-blog/ )
If, dare I say, when, you are shortlisted for the finals, the voting proper starts in December. But till then, leave this cunning greek comedy alone and shout KJ for President, Prime Minister, Best Blog and the winner of the Melbourne Cup by a long (and elegant) nose!
KJ: Is this spam? (Viagra for my soul?) This is only the second nomination I’ve ever had. The first was as a student at Leeton High School - Nominated for ‘The Bitch Most Likely’ Award. Won hands down, making my parents, Hec and Gwennie, so very, very proud.
God Bless you Andra….
November 9th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Dear The Ginger Man, I was very excited to read your tips on how to collect a lazy 200 grand. So excited, I immediately went to work…..
Couldn’t find a bloody poodle so I grabbed the nearest dog available, a Rottie.
Rottie didn’t even seem to know that his name was Spot.
Coerced the monster into gelato outlet.
All going well, except for the continuing failure of Rottie to co-operate. Refused purgative.
Running low on stamina (Me not Rottie).
I scream: YOU SHIT ME.
Rottie obliges.
EXIT with Management, Media AND a handful of cops in hot pursuit……..
November 9th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Fanny:
I think I can help.
The Ginger Man has established The Canine Crapper School which uses Bletchley Park and M15 training in subterfuge techniques.
It’s all a matter of signals.
Surely you remember the experiments with dogs and bells.
I have found them to be valid.
Whenever I see a dog salivate I get an irrestible urge to ring a bell.
Dogs are very good at obeying coded signals.
It just takes patience to reconstruct the canine mind.
For example, when you say ‘SIT’, the animal can be trained to shit.
‘Shoo’ can be coded to mean poo.
‘Lie down’ can mean do it big and brown.
‘Gelato’ can mean have another go.
‘Don’t growl’ can mean use the bowel.
The main thing is to convince the dog (punishment/reward behaviourism) that if it does not deliver the Number two IT DOES NOT EAT FOR A WEEK.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:08 am
I know I’ve put on weight recently (refer earlier post - does my dumb look big in this!) but there’s no need to call me SPAM! However, I suppose that’s only to be expected from “The Bitch Most Likely!”
One day, if we’re very good, will you tell us what a bitch is most likely to do? Obviously, in spite of the best laid plans, the bitches mentioned above have not been performing to expectations.
No shit!
November 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am
KJ: Listen sweetheart, I was NOT aware that I was dealing with a poor soul heading straight into the beach season with an out-of-control, pathological weight problem. I did NOT know that one struggling surf lifesaving club had approached you to be its rubber duckie…..and I certainly did NOT know that you are the Mrs Munchausen of the Jenny Craig set. And I’ll tell you why I was declared ‘The Bitch Most Likely’ when I feel like it…..
November 10th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Thank God your hacker didn’t stop the media event of the year - Rupert in bed with Aunty - by far the raunchiest thing I’ve heard for a long time, with just the right level of warm up titillation from La Doogue. I find I get maximum satisfaction from the Murdoch ‘Freedom’ talks (which your management is clearly and very sensibly broadcasting completely unabridged), by retreating with a podcast of the program to a quiet spot in the bush, stripping off and, with the aid of a nicely weathered noxious weed (I find dead blackberry does the job), whipping myself across the bare buttocks, as old Rupe puts the boot into Public Enemy No1 - the Bludger.
Congratulations RN - you’ve made an old man very happy.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Hello The Man In Grey……wow, mighty fine imagery in there! DH would be proud of you - he too invoked the bare buttocks/blackberry combo to stunning effect on numerous occasions. Obviously, you’re no Paxton of the Forest….you work hard, very hard…..at all you do…….
November 10th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
KJ - Apologies to you and your ‘crowd’.
I feel terrible.
(Note from KJ: Just so you know why KnickKnack CLAIMS he feels terrible here’s his - retrospectively - VERY troubling comments posted under Nerviest Week Underway).
Why concentrate on seven days when one will do… Nov 5:
2008 Barrack Hussein Obama elected US President.
1978 Ayatollah Khomeini Supporters attack the UK Embassy in Iran (it was nearly exactly a year later that the US Embassy was taken - on Nov 4 - where was their sense of history?)
1968 Richard Nixon elected as US President.
1913 Vivien Leigh is born, to hear 26 years later “Frankly My Darling I Don’t Give A Damn”.1605 Guy Fawkes blows up UK Parliament.
One can see an inexorable inevitability to the trajectory of these momentous events - a conspiracy even - that leads towards kerriejean.com
These are also VERY common search terms in Google that mean your blog will be found by many, many people searching for seemingly unrelated information.
KnickKnack continues…..
My ‘great gesture’ of making you more visible to search engines worldwide (see above) has backfired terribly.
I feel I have brought trouble to your door in the guise of Mr Turkey.
If only I had tested the security measures afforded to your blog before inviting the world in, I might have avoided this terrible event.
Like many things, a bright side seems to have been looked upon:
- an(other?) audience with Mr Scott;
- hearts being made fonder by absence - except for notafan;
- the bold move from The Ginger Man coming to your rescue (tell us KJ, did you meet TGM in person? Is he as dashing as Mr Scott?).
- increased security measures for the blog, and perhaps the ABC is shouting you a couple of burly bodyguards just in case? If not, you could do worse than suggest it. Economic downturns may not be the only catalyst for later-in-life romantic opportunities.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
MR KnickKnack:……I must warn you that anything you’ve said WILL be used in evidence against you. Ladies and gentlemen…..we have a prime suspect!
Mr-bloody-good-chance-of-being-Mr ISKORPITX, how dare you feign regret….and then immediately adopt an upbeat tone…..probing me about my dealings with Mr Scott and The Ginger Man. Well - let me tell you - put together, The Ginger Man (who I know nothing about) and Mr Scott, are FOUR times the man you’ll ever be. As you are aware, I DID meet the urbane and outwardly calm Mr Scott, but under very difficult circumstances. He kept trying to steer our conversation towards next year’s exciting ABC1 schedule. Finally I said: Look Mr Scott, after we settle the Mr Iskorpitx matter, even a couple of eps of To The Manor Born may be out of the question……
It was then that two handsome security men in nice suits showed me to the lift. My overall impression? Mr Scott is a good man - out of his depth.
November 10th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
KJ, ENOUGH! rite up sumthin’ else.
‘ave you dried up like an ‘pricot left on them trees 2 long at Leeton?
November 12th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Get on……Get off! The Ginger Man has just reported in with something more to say! Here he comes……
November 12th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
What happened next at the ABC Security Gates…..
When did you last see Iskorpitz the Dreadful?
I think it was when I recreated Byron’s swim at Abydos. I was swimming along humming a little number from Alcman, or was it Euripides? Something about phtholoyia, poverty:
What is Poverty ?
Surely it is the least of our ailments
For it can be cured
By the simple act of a friend
You wouldn’t have a spare twenty? I asked the Security Wallah. Running a bit short today.
What about Iskorpitz the Dreadful?
Oh yes, there I was swimming along when this creature surfaced in front of me.
Hairy arse covered with huge warts, hair all over the back, powerful arms and long blackened fingers and a neck like Leviathan.
Sea Lion? A merman?
I realized at last it was human, or a humanoid, when I began to smell bursting mephistic bubbles of a grossly poisonous nature and heard its calls ‘Ataturk! Ataturk! Ataturk!
It was Iskorpitz the Dreadful (his name means Alexander in Turkish and he wants to conquer the known world) and he was carefully balancing a 1cwt computer (they were heavier in those days) on his giant head, on top of his red fez.
I dived down and swam back.
My friends, you have a Real Enemy here.
Please be very careful!
Now about that twenty?
He ignored The Ginger Man’s humble request, so I pressed him for details of Radio National’s security apparatus.
It’s out-sourced, he said.
Aha, I said, don’t you mean out-sauced - mango and onion sauce with Bhajaniche vade (mix flour vadas) from Mumbai Internet Security? I have dealt with them in post-colonial times (just don’t mention Mountbatten, he did more than play polo) and they are prepared to call in a shaman to sacrifice a chicken and look at its entrails for the gravest of problems. The Security Wallah is a friend of mine. Wonderful cricketer, always off the front foot. He may be able to call off the Curse of Iskorpitz the Dreadful.
What about Missy KJ, she’s hysterical?
Send her to the Hack Crisis Centre and she can join Women Who Have Been Hacked.
They have a special course for those who have Mailman Phobia.
Now, about that twenty, old boy…