Email to:KJ & BS: They’re Your Bloody Family!: Hear It Now!
Here it is! Your Christmas pressie…….
KJ: You want me to lie down in the foyer!? (credit: Tracey Trompf)
THEY’RE YOUR BLOODY FAMILY! - FREE. Great for intimate and group listening………downloadable, danceable and podable…… at 3:50, it’s the perfect pop duration. They’re Your Bloody Family! (just like conception) is the result of pure abandon. And yes, there was pain in spades but let’s NOT dwell on it. Ready, set, GO:
click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family
Did you get into it? Did those obnoxious neighbours call the cops with (yet another) malicious noise complaint? Did you dance so hard you feel a bit iffy? Note: Big Swifty (who, as you’re well aware, has just had a major nervy) has agreed to answer questions about his creative process….. (Stop press: 1:14pm Dec 18, Big Swifty has just issued his traditional post CD release statement. It’s in the comments section….)
So, have a look at our photo-essay and then give KJ and Big Swifty (Australia’s best-known Instant Gratificationists) their Xmas pressie – a comment! For first-time users of this facility, directions are under the pics. Warning: No comment, no more nothin’ from KJ and BS.
And while I’ve got ya VOTING IS OPEN IN THE WEBLOG AWARDS. Just click on this link and scroll down a little way to the voting board – and click on kerriejean. You can vote once every 24 hours until Jan 13th:
http://2008.weblogawards.org/polls/best-australia-or-new-zealand-blog/
….just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
December 17th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Is that a stiletto slash on your cheek KJ?
December 17th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
KJ – Oh….The Ginger Man…..you really are in a lot of trouble! We are all praying that – just like Big Swifty – you’ll COME BACK! In the meantime, have you heard the new song and what do ya think of it?
Hut
Hut
Hut ho hee up
Hut
Hut
Hut ho hee up
Hut
Hut
Hut ho hee up
Comp’nee
Halt.
It’s all over!
The war is over!
It’s all over
The war is over!
A short post prandial nap (grape leaf does something to the gastro intestinal tract, needs salt or lemon juice) and the Naked Indian appeared again.
Mister Morrison,
Nin hokeh bi–kheh a-na-ih-la
Ta-al-tso-go na-he-seel-kai
Nih-bi-kah-gi do tah kah-gi
Tsi-di-da-an-ne ne-tay-yah
Mister Morrison, Mister Mojo Risin’, sah!
Yeh-wol-ye hi-he-a-din
Bletchley Park na-ha-tah-ta-ba-hogan.
Where are my sunglasses?
I need those shades.
Why is everything so bloody green?
Am I backstage on Gardening World?
December 17th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Nah Greek and loving it….
Had a sking cancer burnt off my very milky, dewy skin the day before I was in studio. Begged Dr T to postpone the job – but he said it looked sus and should come off ASAP…..
Very milky, dewy skin does come with its own set of challenges in a very harsh climate…..
December 18th, 2008 at 8:07 am
KJ,
As realise, I’m a teacher. This time of year is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL! I had been looking foward to the holidays but thanks to you, no longer! Your rendition of Christmas has taken the wool from my eyes, the tinsel from my heart and made me realise there’s much worse to come. I’m going to make many parents of my small country school very happy and keep the students past tomorrow, past Chrissy and I just might as well hang on to them until Australia Day.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Well poor old you Megsy!
I’ve just spoken to Big Swifty and he’s prepared to swing through your little country school and do a couple of percussion workshops for the kiddies……
From where I sit, we’re talkin’ WIN-WIN situation! KJ
December 18th, 2008 at 9:26 am
When it comes to family functions – I ALWAYS drink as much as I Bloody Well Like! And now I’ve got something to dance along to while I’m doin’ it. Thank you KJ and Swifty!
December 18th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Another brilliant observation on life as we know it KJ. Hope you get as many “quality” roots as Santa can provide. I look forward to HRH’s Christmas Message – her “Royal” family are somewhat “interesting” – the results of inbreeding throughout the centuries. We we should heed the warning and not be too close to our rellies this Chrissy.
I will think of you as I indulge in the Christmas spirit/wine/beers.
Merry Christmas and may 2009 be bountiful or should I say rootiful?
Allison.
KJ: And Allison I will think of YOU when I’m……..
God Bless You!
December 18th, 2008 at 10:45 am
The reviews are in……
Murrumbidgee Irrigator:
KJ and Big Swifty are culturally irrigating the greater Leeton community with the best birthday present Mr Jesus ever had. “Five tanks”.
Monaco Times:
Prince Albert Rainier to knight Swifty for his services to the arts and the advancement of world peace for his latest effort: They’re Your Bloody Family!
Rolling Stone:
A living testament to the underlying genius that is KJ and Big Swifty. A high octane follow up to their debut, Jesus I Could Do With A Root. They’re Your Bloody Family! is confronting the issues of giving presents and being in the same room as family you have avoided all year. This is the true sound of an Australian Christmas – alcohol fuelled arguments and speaking your mind after a few!!! Leeton, the dark horse of Australian cultural significance, is now on the map thanks to the best musical team since Sonny and Cher.
Playboy:
Hot Hot Hot!!!! Between Swifty’s moustache and that garter on KJ’s leg…..They put the swing back in swinger!!! Regards Heff.
Crikey dot com:
This song is the downfall of civilisation and culture as we know it….
December 18th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Well Mr Dimentagon……Merry Xmas!
Thank you for being our special Media Monitor – you trawled for us and what did you come back with? The best prawn cutlets I’ve ever seen!
I’ll make sure Big Swifty sees the reviews ASAP. Just between you and me, he always says: I don’t care what they bloody think, KJ, I just don’t give a shit….!
I KNOW that’s what geniuses are SUPPOSED to say…..but boy you should see him if I dare give an opinion! Latest example: Look KJ, if I wanna wear a jumpsuit, I bloody well will….!
December 18th, 2008 at 11:53 am
KJ and Big Swifty – didn’t know you were at my place – Dec 25th, 2007.
As for the Marilyn M to JFK reference at the end of the song….. Happy Birthday Mr Jesus – magic!
December 18th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Right, well, it has been a rollercoaster, to the outback and back, code-talkers, you name it!
But we’ve made it folks, we’ve made it.
And we’ve made it GOLDEN!
Rarely have I come across a talent so stoic, so consistent, so unbelievably vibrant as KJ….must remember to get her phone number.
Now, thanks to all those who sent in passports and various other bits of identification – I’ve manged to glue them altogether into a pretty decent kinda document (if I do say so meself!).
I reckon that – and few Oyster Perpetuals – should get me all the way to Monaco, where there’s still a spot on the wheels of steel for the New Years’ celebrations…..and the option of sullying the reputation of a Lichtensteinian Princess or two…….
However, I shall return, the moustache has been tingling of late, and last time that happened it was sure hit Platinum Album time….
Merry whatever-you-reckon to you and yours,
I’m outta here.
BS
December 18th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Oh Big Swifty….take care….I know you HAVE to do it….and I know it’s NOT going to be with me……
Thank you for everything – the laffs, the excitement…..that devilish grin…..and most of all……for giving me the opportunity to say often and LOUDLY at work: NO can-do, I’m in studio with Big Swifty in 10.
Travel well Swifty…..and you DO know THIS, don’t ya? – KJ is only a REVERSE phone call away….
Oh Swifty……..
December 18th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Ahem…your song is very reassuring for those of us who regularly avoid Christmas with human foils and yes, I will be out bush again this year with a new translation of Chekov’s short stories for company.
Sometimes it does get lonely but nevertheless that’s the path I’ve chosen.
Some of us will not be distracted by the lights of Monaco, families and alcohol-fuelled events and instead choose ants, spiders and goannas for company. Even though they can be pesky they have NEVER let me down or complained about food or accommodation.
Here is their answer to your Christmas song (which I find, as I said, very reassuring).
Rustle, hide, and bite my love………..
This is the morning of the cockatoo,
Beware the sting of humans who camp,
Especially as they search for quiet spots
to poo.
That way!
That way?
This is the rock!
The rock of the uncircumstantial man.
This Xmas, KJ and Swifty are away, but hopefully they’ll bag a few (they deserve it).
KJ (stunned!): My goodness, The Lonely Scholar, my goodness me! Your poem – Ode To The Uncircumsised Man - is incredible – postmodern and post-feministic, grungy and classical, playful and profound. I don’t give a damn what path you took – just keep walking!
KJ.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Well KJ, I just call it as I see it. Let the chips of critique fall where they may. As a purveyor of fine rice craft and voluntary cultural attaché for the exposure of all things artistic in Leeton, I know that when dealing with artists like your good selves it’s not about the glory. When you are dealing with a cultural phenomenon that is jaffaesque in its multi-layered creative significance, reviews are the measure of cultural tolerance. ……talent cannot be expressed with mere words so I think Code says it so much more eloquently.
http://morsecode.scphillips.com/jtranslator.html
- — / .- .-.. .-.. / -.– — ..- / –. — — -.. / .-.. . . – — -. .. – . … –..– / …. .- …- . / .- / … .- ..-. . / .- -. -.. / . -. .— — -.– .- -… .-.. . / -.-. …. .-. .. … – — .- … / -… ..- – / — — … – / .. — .–. — .-. – .- -. – .-.. -.– / .– …. . -. / – …. . / .- .-. –. ..- — . -. – … / … – .- .-. – / — -. / -.-. …. .-. .. … – — .- … / -.. .- -.– –..– / – …. .-. — .– / – …. .. … / – .-. .- -.-. -.- / — -. / – — / .-. . — .. -. -.. / – …. . / — -. . … / -.– — ..- / .-.. — …- . / – …. .- – / .. – / .. … / .. — .–. — .-. – .- -. – / – — / -.. .-. — .–. / – …. . / -… .- –. –. .- –. . / .- – / – …. . / -.. — — .-. / .- -. -.. / …. .- …- . / .- / –. — — -.. / — .-.. -.. / .- ..- … … .. . / .-.. .- ..- –. …. / .- – / .-.. .. ..-. . .-.-.-
Feeling Leeton
Dimentagon
December 18th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Mr Dimentagon – A message from the (king) prawn trawler, The Missy De-Veiner, reportedly in trouble off Ulladulla?
KJ
December 18th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
KJ:The Ginger Man….may I say AGAIN? Everyone here wishes you well…….many of us are fans of ER and have always wanted to shout out those incredibly powerful words: STAY WITH US, STAY WITH US! So, STAY WITH US THE GINGER MAN, STAY WITH US!
HOWEVER, I must appraise you (again): Big Swifty and myself are up to our ageing necks in a massive publicity blitz re They’re Your Bloody Family!
So, I WILL ask you one more time: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SONG..!?
…..The Ginger Man…..
Naked Indian back again.
Indians scattered on dawn’s highway bleeding….
Ghosts crowd the young child’s fragile eggshell mind.
Banging, banging.
A voice?
Open The Doors. Open The Doors.
Who’s opening with The Doors? I feel like shit and I have no axe.
Why is everything so bloody green ?
The voice again: Open The Doors to Rumsfeld Hanging Gardens Warehouse.
Doors open. Blinding light.
Welcome Baghdad? You CIA curator of Babylon Revisited Exhibition?
In a way, yes.
Do you have any sunglasses? Shades ? S-U-N-G-L-A-S -S-E-S ?
Name please, Sir?
James Douglas Morrison.
You have a friend waiting?
Mr Mojo Rising.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
What a triumph!
KJ: Over what?!
December 18th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten Newsflash.
The renowned rock star who is one of the pantheon of dead rock stars like Joplin and Hendrix has emerged alive in Baghdad Airport.
Jim Morrison of the legendary group The Doors gave only a brief explanation of why he faked his death so many years ago, and why he came back..
Morrison: Being dead was terribly retro, you know……..
Is the star planning a comeback?
Morrison: Dunno bout that. Some of my kin though are doing well Down Under I hear and a doing a few gigs for Christmas. It must be in their blood, in their genes. Hi KJ and BS.
The star was hustled away for a medical examination and DNA tests.
Ralph Blur for Channel Ten News.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Well, the radio operator just burst into my cabin jabbering in his jibberish and waving a tatty yellowed envelope on which he’d attempted to translate a broken morse message he’d picked up.
Mr Swifty! Mr Swifty! he squeaked very imporatant…..you read….!
*Sigh*
Is there no peace to be found in the 21st Century?…..
I took the envelope and flicked him a choc coated lima bean – he thanked me profusely as he backed out my cabin.
At least I presume it was thanks, dunno….
Anyway…something from Dimentigon, couldn’t make it out, but it forced me to log on one last time…
Luckily, I found a “pay as you go” internet station aboard this Equadorian flagged merchant navy cargo ship I’ve managed to procure passage upon.
Sure it’s noisy.
And smelly.
And rusty.
But hey, any crew that have a comical blow-up Santa swinging high from the funnel can’t be all bad, right?
Anyway, this urgent shipment of “cooking oil” (not asking and nor should you) will get me as far as Port Qasim, where I plan to join a jeep convoy heading north – rendevouz at Kandahar with any camel train heading west – until I hit the twinkling azure Mediterranean…and then it should just be a short number of donkey rides and ferry hops to Monaco, from where it’ll be all calamari and princesses.
The perfect plan, fully funded by the noble Oyster Perpetual…..truly, the international currency.
Comfortable that my sure hit foolproof plan is well underway, I settle down with a pocketful of those gold coins with the chocolate inside to feed this internet machine. They seem to work fine so long as they’re nice and cold, fresh from the vending machine.
Lets see…..Prince of Monaco…delete…Guild of Legendary Rock Producers and Hangers-On…unpaid dues…they can wait…
!
KJ…urgent!!
Hell, now what?
I feverishly feed another handful of coins into the machine…must work fast, starting to soften….
A brief de-cryption later, and the only course of action is clear.
GINGER MAN
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER
TOO MUCH GREEN
YOU HAVE SEEMED TO HAVE SEEN
LISTEN TO THE SONG
THERE IS A MESSAGE
IF YOU LISTEN
LISTEN
LISSSSSSS-
SSSSSSSEN
DINL-CHI COH-NAI-ALI-BAHN-SI,DINL-CHI COH-NAI-ALI-BAHN-SI
I’m sure you know,
What I mean.
This is my last electronic communique.
From here on in, pigeon only.
The Swiftyness that I have is all that I have
And the Swiftyness that I have is yours.
The Bigness that I have of the Swiftyness that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.
BS
I spin back and play it again
Come Back Big Shellabinger (Click here)
December 18th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I’ve just spoken to Big Swifty (I know, I KNOW I shouldn’t have rung…..he’s going to Monaco to DO it, he has to DO it, if he doesn’t DO it he’ll go mad etc etc etc)….
But, I got a pretty good reception. (Were those crashing waves in the background? No, I must be going mad…..)
Wow KJ, let’s make our next track MORRISON in Navajo Code!
And that – ladies and gentlemen – is yet another example of why I’ll miss him. He just NEVER stops creating, couldn’t even if he wanted to……KJ
December 18th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
KJ and BS and other Friends,
Greetings!
In a bit of a fix here, as you have probably gathered.
My new friend Ralph Blur has lent me his equipment to send out this message.
I gave him an Oyster Perpetual (Lifetime Guranteed – two months) in gratitude.
Ah, The Song!
Ralph played it for me and I immediately had my new friend Ali Fazar play it on Baghdad Radio.
Chaldean Christians were dancing to it in the streets just before the massacre.
Serious congrats KJ and BS.
Now I know how the Australian Republican Movement began, not with a whimper but a bang just before Her Majesty’s Broadcast.
Did any colonial ever actually hear what she said over Aunty Flo’s screams and Uncle Bill’s farts?
Thank heavens I am Irish.
As indeed obviously KJ and BS are, with a bit of Balkans and Chinese chucked in, along with some Navajo.
The escape from Rumsfeld’s Babylonian Garden (Did you know Gilgamesh drank Coke?) was horrendous.
Now I have to face the asses, sorry masses, with a gig so a pilot tape in Navajo would go well.
Merry Christmas.
The Ginger Man aka Mr Mojo Rising aka James Douglas Morrison
Poste Restante
Baghdad
December 18th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten News Update
Bear with Three Balls, formerly known as Jim Morrison resurrected star of The Doors, has announced he will be staging a performance in Navajo in Baghdad.
Two Australians, reported to be relatives, are due to join him there.
Ralph Blur, Channel Ten News..
December 18th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
KJ I hope you don’t mind, I just offered Swifty a sackful of hunjies and to pay his Guild membership if he takes a slight diversion and throws off a few rounds at the Jap whaling fleet. I know this is highly irregular as he is a celebrated international man of peace but being a fellow producer I know he does have a bit of mercenary in him.
Trust me on this, I know he will look fantastic as a pirate with that lip hair. I am having the garb airlifted to him as we speak. I did a death metal single for the son of the bloke who drives the Coffs Harbour’s care flight helicopter and he said he would do anything to pay for it. I knew it would come in handy some day.
Will I have him swing by Leeton for some supplies? No trouble at all; he owes me big time. I still have nightmares from that session.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:00 am
OK smarty pants (and that’s the lot of you) what do I read for Xmas? I’m not interested in current affairs (unless of course they are affairs of the heart and involve me) and I’m not interested in Tuscany or psychopaths.
I need to be able to read the book whilst lying on a blow up mattress. Bulky is OK, but please nothing popular.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:21 am
KJ and BS,
The gig is getting ready to roll.
I have borrowed a Gibson L48 from an antique rocker, who by the way is also an expert in Navajo. He advised me to assume the name Bear With Three Balls, which is not only very Indian but very macho.
I guess we will have to appear naked with tomahawks.
Where do you get warpaint in this neck o’ the woods? Guess we’ll have to settle for that crap Marines put on their face for missions and torture sessions at Abu.
The war is over could be our opener.
We have a sponsor, The Lame Ducker Aerodynamic Returnable Shoe Company, which is registered in Leeton, Australia. I am listed as managing director and I have taken the liberty of registering KJ and BS as directors.
Since the cannery closed there should be plenty of local labor. Can they make the switch to flying shoe technology? Can we do a jingle, These Shoes are Made for Chucking?
Whowouldathought, as BS would say.
Without the support of KJ and BS this gig is not worth A HILL OF BEANS.
A question: I am still trying to decipher your latest song. Is there a hidden message?Somehow the word Bletchley and someone called Gross Shellabinger have poked themselves out of my subconscious through a Veil of Bloody Green.
Do you think sunnies will clash with the Navajo identity?
Where’s it all going to end?
Is this all just a Hill of Beans?
Congrats on your hit.
Bear With Three Balls
December 19th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Well in all the time I have been researching this blogo thing this is the first time that someone has made a sideways reference to my contribution (see recent post about reading Chekhov over summer academic break). Hooray, I feel affirmed.
In celebration I will offer suggested readings – all from Practicing Culture eds: Richard Sennett and Craig Calhoun. I’ve just this moment put it onto my reading list for the new subject I’m teaching with the Dean next year (sigh).
A couple of relevant chaps for some of my fellow hyber-companions .
I recommend especially for you Greek and loving it (chapter 9) by Alton Phillips titled: The erotic life of electric hair clippers: a social history.
For The Ginger Man there’s a great chapter by Olga Sezneva - We have never been German: the economy of digging in Russian Kaliningrad.
Big Swifty: Beauty at the gallery: Sentimental education and operatic community in contempory Buenos Aires. Claudio E. Benzecry.
Meg: Hot glass: the calorific imagination of practice in glassblowing. Erin O’Connor
……and for Dimentagon: Managing doubt: professional wrestling jargon and the making of “smart fans”. Marion Wrenn.
KJ can’t leave you out my dear and so for you: Practicing poetry: a career without a job.
KJ: Thank you The Lonely Scholar: I’ve put in an order with Amazon. Here’s some more info for those who may like to follow my lead:
Practicing Culture seeks to revitalize the field of cultural sociology with an emphasis not on abstract theoretical debates but on showing how to put theoretical sources to work in empirical research. Culture is not just products and representations but practices. It is made and remade in countless small ways and occasional bursts of innovation. It is something people do – and do in rich variety and distinctive contexts as engaging case studies from the book reveal. For example;
in Russia’s most Western city, Kaliningrad, residents dig for artifacts symbolizing a German past – even though their parents only migrated to what was once Konigsberg after WWII.
In the USA, fans of professional wrestling pride themselves on being smart enough to know how much is trickery and how the tricks work yet still believe in the contest.
Practicing Culture will reshape and invigorate the sociology of culture not only through internal development but through enhanced connections to the interdisciplinary social theory and to related fields like the sociology of knowledge and ethnography. It will prove an essential tool for students and researchers of cultural theory, contemporary social theory and cultural sociology.
More details
Practicing Culture
By Craig J. Calhoun, Richard Sennett
Contributor Craig J. Calhoun, Richard Sennett
Published by Routledge, 2007
ISBN 0415412501, 9780415412506
238 pages
December 19th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Greek and loving it,
My dear, you ask about reading for Christmas?
I do not suggest anything by Sylvia Plath, though she is very good on Yearnings.
I have just finished Coping with a Man with a Beard by Janis Joplin, and it might be of help.
Personally, I could not go past dear Jane.
There’s something about Fitzwilliam that is so mad, yet entrancing.
Your dialogue with Big Swifty brought Mr Darcy to mind.
A hot bath and a good read of P&P will get me through Christmas and I recommend it to you, philos mou.
Perhaps a bit o’ Byron ?
Maid of Athens?
Zoe mou sas agapou?
Perhaps there is a Greek edition of P & P ?
December 19th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Thanks for your suggestions Lonely – I’ll be sending off the first pigeon later this afternoon, and I’ll be sure to include all.
It’s certainly kept me giggling!
Tee hee hee hee hee.
Anyway, it’ll probably take a while for me to catch one: all those Christmas shoppers in town are scaring the poor darlings half to death.
Meanwhile, do be dears and chat amongst yourselves.
Hee hee
Rebecca
PA with gay abandon.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Thanks Lonely scholar for the clipper brief..
I meant to say KJ only six days till we see whether you got what ya wanted for Christmas, and we’ll all expect to hear about it, won’t we dream team?
December 19th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Hi, it’s Ralph Blur and welcome to Gooooood Morning Baghdad and Channel Ten’s Digital Breakfast from Babylon Revisited.
But first, a word from Janine and Bettina…
Janine: Good morning Ralph, and good morning to you Bettina. You’re looking lovely as ever. And what’s that gorgeous thing I can see on your wrist. Is it from Mr Right ? Yes, I can see it’s a Wonderful Watch.
Bettina: Good morning Janine. It is wonderful, isn’t it? It goes everywhere with me. It’s part of me, part of my very being. There’s quite a story behind it.
Janine: A story? I’m sure it’s a wonderful story, Bettina. Is it part of our wonderful War On Terror? And what’s this amazing watch called?
Bettina: It’s the Oyster Perpetual.
Janine: Perpetual? That’s wonderful, Bettina.
Bettina: Perfect, Precision, and Precious Perpetual, from The Big Swifty Watch Company, Corner Block, Cannery Road, Leeton, Australia.
Janine: Tell us the wonderful story about it, Bettina
Bettina: Well, Janine, as you know Precision in Timing is important in the War On Terror for both friend and foe. My friend who is embedded in the Water Boarding Section says, and I quote ‘Timing is Everything.’
Janine: It looks like the Oyster Perpetual has become ‘standard issue’ for our boys at the front. How did that come about, Bettina?
Bettina: A courageous, gallant and charming Irishman came into U.S. Green Zone headquarters with the Perpetual. He’d risked life and limb defusing a roadside bomb with the Perpetual as its critical device. He had the timepiece wrapped in a Green scarf marked TRINITY. He suggested we should match the enemy’s chronology. He even suggested a female version of the Perpetual, or ‘Perpy’ as we girls at Abu Waterboard Pool call it.
Janine: Who was he, Bettina?
Bettina: An Unknown Hero. He asked for no reward.
Janine: Wonderful. I must ask you, how does one get a ‘Perpy’?
Bettina: $39.95 in four easy payments. And if you call within the hour you’ll be given a CD Christmas Special from Kerrie Jean and Big Swifty Productions, from Corner Block, Cannery Road, Leeton, Australia..
Janine: A Wonderful gift to celebrate Our Saviour’s Birth! Back to you Ralph.
Coming up after the break. Bear With Three Balls tells how he came back from the dead to learn Navajo.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
KJ,
You have been at Xmas at my place. People always drink too much – HAVE to because they really don’t wanna be there.
I wanted a doll’s house since I was 4. Got it when I was 10. Didn’t mean much then, did it? And then my darlin’ sister wrecked that tiny abode. Didn’t care, Where’s my b—– bike? Maybe when I’m 56.
Feelin’ crook, mellow and pedestrian.
Lots of love to all at Radio National. HO HO HO……..
December 20th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Oh Pandora thanks for that. Coping with a Man with a Beard sounds like the perfect book for me. Is so a roolly great suggestion. And believe it or not I’m rehearsing a Janis Joplin number for next years RN Christmas party gig.
Funny KJ, you never told us whether you were locked out of the RN number? In fact, you’re a bit slow on the follow ups and I want to know things.
Do you want to go to Leonard Cohen with me? Wait a minute there’s a mobile doggy grooming truck (and I mean truck!) parked outside the neighbour’s house with a hose hanging out of it. Oh, for Christs sake……
December 20th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Dear Greek and lovin’ it…..I’m so sorry about the paucity of follow-ups over the last 24 hours. The thing is – I had a toothache from Hell and was unable to think straight let alone service anyone. Anyway, I got an emergency dental appointment….more drilling, more exploratory work than all of the Bass Strait Oilfields combined! Re your question about the RN Christmas Party. I did get in – disguised as an IDEA. No-one asked me to dance. I was, of course, competing with lots of other IDEAS, so I knew I was up against it……..
On the question of Leonard Cohen, I really don’t think I could face it at this stage. He has framed love and loss like no other…….but, as we all know, there’s a bloody big difference between FRAMING it and LIVING it! KJ.
December 20th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
URGENT
KJ & BS AND FRIENDS
DUE SUDDEN REVERSAL FORTUNES RETURNING SYDNEY SOONEST STOP EXPLAIN LATER STOP CANCEL ALL OYSTER AND SHOE ORDERS STOP DO NOT SPEAK ANY NAVAJOS STOP STOP FOR YOUR EYES ONLY ENDS
THE GINGER MAN FORMERLY BEAR WITH THREE BALLS
December 21st, 2008 at 11:18 am
The Ginger Man…..Everyone knew you’d COME BACK (intact). And you have…….
God Bless You. What a clutch of adventures you’ve had: Everything – from running into Penny Wong at Sydney Airport after you’d rescued Big Swifty, visits to many unidentified Green Zones, falling in with a dangerous cell of Navajo Code Talkers, launching The Ginger Man range of footwear……etc etc.
Which just go to show ya….just because someone’s having a big nervy DOESN’T mean they still can’t make major contributions to several areas of endeavour.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:25 am
The Ginger Man – I was worried about you…welcome back!
Now KJ, I note with pleasure that you’ve got your Christmas wish – ROOT canal therapy. Trust the toothache has gone….
December 21st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Ralph Blur, with a Channel Ten News Update
Arriving at Sydney International Aiport this morning the Channel Ten News Crew interviewed a fellow passenger from Baghdad, His Beatitude Boutros Boutros III, Patriarch of the Discalced Chaldeans, Catholicos of All Babylonians, and Chrisian Lion of the East.
Your Beatitude, welcome to Australia. I note that you are wearing a Trinity headband, what’s its significance ?
Boutros Boutros III (pulling scarf down over his face): Is sign to Infidel of our belief in divine Trifecta, and the Three Strikes and Your Out of the Peninential Rite of the Holy East.
I note that although your costume is ancient, Your Beatitude, that you are wearing a very modern wristwatch.
Boutros Boutros III (raising wrist to camers): When approaching Eternity, is important, very important, if you not Infidel, to count every split second with OYSTER PERPETUAL, so you remain in PERPETUAL BLISS. As the Sacred Book of the Chaldeans saith, Life is Short, but Eternity is Perpetual. We Chaldean Clergy pray for all Sinners, and for four easy payments of $38.95 we will obtain for you an Easy Time in Purgatory.
Your arrival here, Your Beatitude, does it have a special significance, coming on Christmas Eve?
Boutros Boutros II: I glad you asking, God forbid that I should forget to mention, two members of the Australian Chaldean Choir and Musical Group, Rev Gross Shellabinger, and Sister Careeranne Rosskova, who have produced two, how you say it?…… Compact discs for this holy season. I shall be visiting their monastery and abbey at Leeton and conducting Naked Baptisms in the Murrumbidgee Irrigation Area.
In Baghdad we sing their songs…….
Do you have any final message?
Boutros Boutros III : Yes. Time important. You not lose a mini-second with Oyster Perpetual. For four easy payments of $38.95 you get lots of prayers, an Oyster Perpetual and two CDS direct from the Big Swifty Monastery, Corner Block, Cannery Road, Leeton, New South Wales.
Where does the money go?
Boutros Boutros III : All proceeds go to our Mission to the Navajo Nation.The Navajo Nation extends into the states of Utah, Arizona and New Mexico, covering over 27,000 square miles of unparalleled beauty. Diné Bikéyah, or Navajoland, is larger than 10 of the 50 states in America. Visitors from around the world are intrigued and mystified when they hear the Navajo language – so, too, were the enemy during World War II. Unknown to many, the Navajo language was used to create a secret code to battle the Japanese. Navajo men were selected to create codes and serve on the front line to overcome and deceive those on the other side of the battlefield. Today, these men are recognized as the famous Navajo Code Talkers, who exemplify the unequaled bravery and patriotism of the Navajo people.
Your Beatitude, they were very important in our war effort?
Boutros Boutros III: Yes. They were like our Bletchley Park.
Ralph Blur for Channel Ten News.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
Dear KJ,
I know I’ve been hard on you but I’ve been forced to reconsider….. I’ve just heard your Xmas offering on ABC Riverina! Wow! I’m going home for Chrissy. Can we meet? I’ll be at The Hydro, sipping a local red and reading Henry Lawson (another literary talent who sometimes called Leeton home). Don’t worry about a particular time – I’ll be sure to be there.
If you still fail to recognise me, I’ll be the one wearing a head scarf. It helps to cover the bald spot. Hair just won’t grow where you wacked me with your stick during a game of hockey at St Joseph’s. Bully 1, Bully 2, Bully 3.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
How very good it is to have The Ginger Man back. I’ve been very worried! I hope he got through customs safely and passed the sniffer dogs without incident.
It’s lovely to be thought of by The Lonely Scholar. I do plan on doing a lot of holiday reading.
You may be pleased to hear I did let the kids out of school 3.30pm, 19th Dec.
Every major holiday, I re-read The Lord of the Rings. This year I plan on becoming proficient in both elvish dialects, Quenya and Sindarin, (and glass blowing).
I AMAR PREATAR AEN, HAN MATHON NE NEN, HAN MATHON NE CHAE A HAN NOSTON NED ‘WILITH.
Ginger Man: U-MOE EDAVED.
The Lonely Scholar: O MAN PEDICH
BS: NACH GWANNATHA SIN?
KJ: Happy Leeton Christmas with Gwennie, sisters and friends.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Hello Megsy – it’s wonderful to have everyone sharing their Christmas reading lists…..
Thus far, I’ve not got past the Countrylink (train) timetable!
KJ – under not inconsiderable stress in Leeton.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
KJ
I plan also on visiting Canberra in the new year. Leeton, I believe was designed by the great Walter Burley Griffin. Don’t know if his much forgotten wife, Marion Mahony Griffin, had any input into the layout of Pine Avenue.
Hello there Megsy – you ask: did Marion Mahony Griffin have any input into the layout of Leeton’s main street, Pine Avenue? Input!? She did the whole bloody lot: not just Pine Avenue but all of Leeton….and just to make sure, she designed all of Griffith as well. Isn’t it woeful how the sisterhood’s achievements got written out of history? I’ll tell you something very special sister Megsy (just you) – Marion left a message in wet cement in a ’secret’ piece of pavement SOMEWHERE on Pine Avenue: It says: Walter Burley Griffin couldn’t draw a straight line if his life depended on it. I DESIGNED Canberra, Leeton and Griffith…..the last two in a weekend. I have always regarded Leeton as my finest work.
In terms of the history of urban design, the message in the footpath on Pine Avenue is nothing short EXPLOSIVE! Now….let’s all just sit back and enjoy watching all of those snobby architectual theorists, revisionists and WBG freaks….whip themselves into a very undignified frenzy! KJ
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I guess it is time to debrief.
Not since Weinachtsabend with Rudolf Hess nacht Berlin 1938 have I had such a harrowing time.
I was in a bit of a fix.
The best of intentions – to turn around the global economy through the Oyster Project, to bring alive again The Doors culture, to bring an end to a tragic and silly war…..to cross No Man’s Land like they did in WWI and drink cherry brandy with the foe.
Whodathought, as Big Swifty would say, so many obstacles.
As for the identity changes, little can be said, except that there’ll always be part of me that will be Forever Jim.
The Oyster project first began to die on me when all of the detainees died during Waterboarding through chronology techno misfunction. Need new batteries! I exclaimed as I fled through the wire. Fortunately I had purloined a set of night goggles outsourced to Taiwan.
The concert was a disaster. After the opener at the gig, ‘The War is Over’, the Marines began pelting me with their boots. Then disgruntled Arabs began a bombardment of Perpetuals.
Ralph Blur, what a hero. He helped Boutros Boutros III board the Channel Ten aircraft.
Arriving back I met Penny Wong again at the airport. She looked a little downcast, so I gave her a Perpetual.
There is a Providence that looks after The Ginger Man. I must admit that this time it was a darn close go.
Merry Christmas to you all, and if you know anybody who is doing it tough I have plenty of Perpetuals, in fact an airport hangar full of them.
Good to be back. I have gone fishing wearing my Shandon Hat, made in the shadow of the famous Cork church according to the tradition handed down by centuries of Irish weaving and headware making.
Shandon Headware – Cork, Ireland – says on the interior of the hat:
Joy and health to you who wear this.
And that goes from the bells of Shandon to the banks of the ‘Bidgee.
Fine fellers Corkmen. They settled Leeton.
May you all have an absinthe-free Christmas and a minimum of Green.
The Ginger Man
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Another highly tremendous track from this band on the rise. When will you be releasing your live double EP? What about the t-shirts and let’s not forget the baseball caps that can be worn very high on the head with the extra long peak. If you need any more wild and creative ideas, please hesitate before you give me a call.
Happy Xmas
LANDYWORLD
Hello there LandyWorld – thanks so much……..Big Swifty says we can’t go live until my rhythm method is a little more reliable. But, I think I’ll win the argument…… You have a great Chrissy. KJ
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:48 am
Dear KJ,
My 1st venture into RN cyber space. LOVED the song.
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:08 pm
No fish.
Tell me candidly, WHY WAS EVERYTHING SO BLOODY GREEN ?
December 26th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Dear Meg & ors,
Sniffer dogs have been the least of my concerns.
As a matter of fact I borrowed one, Rasputin, from the airport and he has accompanied me on the fishin’ trip to the ‘Bidgee.
The wind is blowing from the east – an ominous sign.
I saw a black swan – another portent.
No green here, but a Purple Haze.
Guess it’ll be all right At the End of the Line.
At the end of my line there are No Fish.
No Fish.
I might have to go into Schaparelli’s fishop shop in Leeton (KJ, I am sure you can tell many a yarn about meeting people there) for bait and provender.
Today I spent many a pleasant hour with a young Leetonite telling him about trout fishing and Bletchley Park.
He says his father uses dynamite to catch fish.
If he comes here Rasputin is ready for him.
December 26th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
PS
I thought rural tranquility might be the answer, but it really is no antidote for The Hill of Beans Phenomenon.
December 27th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Arrived Leeton and was invited to dinner with the Schaparellis (fish and chips).
Their late Grandfather Schaparelli (Italian desk) was a valuable operative at Bletchley. His invention of Sexafini, a drug designed to send Mussolini mad with a fit of priapism proved fruitless, but that did not diminish his reputation. He later became a world authority on Mario Lanza.
For years the Schaparellis have thrown the debris from their shop out the front, much to the delight of the moggies who haunt the area by night.
The mound has grown to an amazing height and has become covered with pampas grass-such is the amazing quality of piscatorial fertilizer.
The family invited me to unveil a monument, a giant ‘S’ carved from red gum, at its summit.
I composed a verse in honour of The Mound:
No Hillary will grace thy heights
Yet thou art a delight to Leetonites
This wonderful group of human beings
Gathered here today at The Hill of Beans.
A number of Leeton cats were among the congregation.
To assist me in the ceremony was the loveliest of the Schaparelli Clan, Look.
Look was the nickname she had acquired through her immortal beauty, more Greek than Italian as the family originated from Magna Graecia.
So pretty was Look that her picture had appeared on the front page of The Irrigator.
Look had also been crowned Miss Carp at the Leeton Fish Festival, sponsored by the Schaparelli family.
Look’s costume of dyed fish scales was a sensation.
I was proud to have Look at my side.
In retrospect, it was unfortunate that after my speech in which I named the Mound the Hill of Beans, I played a little game on Look.
Look, I told Look, did you know that the Schaparelli gold and gems are buried beneath the Hill of Beans ?
Unknown to me, all night Look dug and dug down into the Hill of Beans.
Look’s long dark hair became covered with fish skeletons and dried guts.
Look broke her long fingernails.
Look’s body emitted foul odours.
In the morning Look came to me in tears.
You told me, you told me, said Look.
No treasure! said Look.
Even her tears smelt fishy.
What could I say to Look?
Here’s kidding at you Look.
It’s just a Hill of Beans.
Of all the fish shops in the world why did you turn up here?
Here’s kidding at you Look.