Email to:Root For Xmas Sequel Track Under Threat!
I’m EMBARRASSED - I’ve been (in retrospect) walking around boring everyone shitless with the LATEST on Big Swifty….he’s a genius, he’s produced Lovelace Watkins, Ian Moss WANTS him, he NEVER stops, we just clicked, he’s all CAN DO…. and with me he’s CAN-DO X 62 etc, etc, etc.
Well, the first thing I must report is DEVASTATION that not one of you got in touch and issued a warning. Something like this would have sufficed: Hang on KJ, this is all very new for you. You’re so worked up, so nervy you’re not thinking straight. It’s well known that artistic collaborations are the cockfights of modern times and the results are the same: Only one cock (or artist) leaves the ring alive!
BUT NO-ONE DID THAT FOR KJ, NO-ONE LIFTED A FINGER……
So, it’s come to this. I met BS this arvo to decide on THE publicity shot for the new track. It came down to a choice between the two photos below. They’ve very different, aren’t they? Photo A screams sensuality overlaid by a perverse distancing - gendered bodies framed by the ABC Giving Tree. On the other hand, Photo B speaks of excess and self-reflexivity. The Giving Tree has simply become The Taking Tree. And BS is the biggest TAKER of them all…….because (as I’ve just discovered)…….
He’s a talker he’ll talk her right off of her feet but he won’t talk for long. Cause he’s a doer he’ll do her the way that I never damned if he won’t do her wrong. Cause he’s a TAKER, he’ll take her to places and make her fly higher than she’s ever dared to….he’ll take her for granted. Then he’ll take off and leave her taking all of her pride as she goes….
Thank you for having a good look at those photos because it’s now up to you to decide on the best one for the CD cover. Please vote for photo A or B and give your reasons. It’s important. I’ve told BS that I will not be speaking to him until the matter is settled. Today was just awful. BS wanted a particular photo and he wasn’t going to let anything, anyone get in his way. Eventually he snapped. And he went too far, way too far. Look KJ, you’re nothin’ without me – everyone knows that! Everyone’s knows your rhythm method always lets you down ….everyone knows I’m makin’ tiramasu outta trifle!
I DIDN’T EVEN DIGNIFY THAT COMMENT WITH A RESPONSE.
Instead, I headed straight to the door.
Well Mr Swifty, here’s the late mail, here’s the late mail! EVERYONE knows you’ve NEVER set foot in Monaco….EVERYONE knows you’ve NEVER done the New Year’s Eve lights for the GrimALDIs….EVERYONE knows you don’t even have a current passport…..but what everyone DOESN’T know….but they bloody well DESERVE to know is this: YOU’RE ADDICTED TO NO-FRILLS HEADACHE TABLETS AND THEY’RE MUCKING WITH YOUR MIND!
It hurts to write all this BUT:
Please vote on Photo A or B. It’s urgent. And if you have any experience of collaborations, advice on how to get through this one would be lovely. Big Swifty hasn’t done anything today on the root for Xmas sequel. He’s in that demonstration spa at Domayne with his new friend Jo The Enabler. I sure as hell hope she isn’t relying on commissions!
So, go to work……I’m so transparent, I won’t even tell you who wants what….until this shitfight is over. Click on this to hear our first track – recorded when things were different, very different indeed:
JESUS I COULD DO WITH A ROOT (All I Want For Christmas)
…just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
December 10th, 2008 at 11:31 am
KJ: this is the worst news I’ve heard since Bob Dylan went electric…
You two can’t split up – you just can’t……..
Pictures A and B are saying After and Before to me.
I hate Afters, so I vote for Picture B, Before……let’s remember the good times.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
El Latino – the thing is, I’m SO upset I can’t even remember getting out of bed this morning let alone the SO-CALLED good times……
Thank you for voting.
KJ
December 10th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Gosh, this is a reeeeaaal tuff one innit? First I thought A cos it has, like, a more close-up picture of you KJ but then, hang on, B has the garter effect and that swayed, I saaay, swaaayed me. I wish there was an amalgamation photo. Heck, here goes: B gets it for the laughter and good times feeling.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
KJ
Photograph B. How did you manage to borrow Santa’s boots?
December 10th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Megsy – I’ll have you know those ‘Santa’ boots are SPANISH! I threw myself on them at a firesale caused by the sad collapse of a shoe party plan company. I really thought they’d be lucky boots and, right up to yesterday, they were……hard days Megsy, very hard days……KJ
December 10th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Photo A as it shows you in a ’soft’ pose – good for all those wrinkles. Hey KJ – if you’re looking flasher than an Al Grassby Federal election (1969) picture board in a Leeton supporter’s backyard – then good on you!
Ex-Leetonite – you really are something else! As you are well aware, I am currently BEYOND blue……I’ve yet to hear from Big Swifty re the future of The Root For Xmas sequel track, I’m very nervy and (unusually for me) quite vague. I was watching Juanita P on the news when I read your wrinkle jibe. I went right up to the telly (about 4cms from the screen) and had a close look at her. Then promptly burst into tears. I also hit my head quite hard on the screen. Congratulations Ex-Leetonite, Congratubloodylations!
December 10th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Big Swifty has but one thing to say:
Prima Bloody Donna!
Prima Bloody Bella Bloody Donna!!
Swifty sees red.
Big Swifty grabs a handful of no-name whites and knocks ‘em back with a swig of Jack from his flask.
Big Swifty catches the backpacker in charge of the internet cafe staring at him, yells: What the hell are you looking at?…..and slams his hand onto the compu……..
December 10th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Oh God, Oh my God…..anyone interested in having the world’s first CYBER intervention?
December 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
KJ – I feel for you. I know that under the disease model of addiction it is very unfashionable to say this but I will anyway – Pull yourself together Big Swifty, pull yourself together!
On the photo front, it has to be ‘B’. That garter brought back so many memories – didn’t BS know that he should have pulled it off you and thrown it? Any country bride knows that’s what you do…
December 11th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Big Swifty is arguing with Stash Converters about the authenticity of his Oyster Perpetual.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Oh God, Oh my God…..even though you’ve done some very bad things lately Big Swifty, NO-ONE in our little cyber community is enjoying the spectacle of you at loose in Australia’s only global city desperately trying to feed a massive No-Frills headache tablet habit. BS, you don’t have a Rolex, you don’t have a ‘perpetual’ anything – except, of course, that crazy, crazy craving…..
Me? Furious or Dismantled? Take your pick….KJ
December 11th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
‘Tis the season to be merry but I can’t help thinking that Big Swifty is very merry most of the time – as shown beautifully in pic B. However, that big bow on the ABC Giving Tree (right in centre of the shot) takes attention away from the duelling duo. Re pic A – looks like Swifty is hangin’ out for a handful of those No-Frills headache tablets.
So….despite that big bow, I’m throwin’ my vote at photo B.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Oops KJ!
I’m confused. Perhaps Photo A should be the one…..
I just love the coquettish look on your face. I also cannot resist a man who is not giving anything away, trashed or not!
KJ – can I change my vote to Photo A?
Fanny – you must have a lot of time on your hands…..but we’ll put you down as an A. KJ.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Just because Swifty was a bit off on the day of the shoot, doesn’t mean that he’s not worth a plug. The combination of the angelic and satanic works for me.
Photo A.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Big Swifty left without paying for his coffee…..
December 11th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I don’t know anything about this sort of thing….but I do have a bronze medallion if that’s of any use…….
December 11th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
And I have a certificate saying I’m proficient in Word 5……….
You really are a sweet thing Megsy, a very sweet thing. KJ
December 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
KJ,
When did Marry Me come on the scene? Is there something we’re missing here?
Ex-Leetonite – in case you haven’t noticed, we’re dealing with a fully blown emergency here!
But since you ask…..Marry Me came into this community when she responded well to The Ginger Man. She has been a valued contributor ever since. KJ
December 11th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Great, the medallion stallion – I like it. Chocolate inside?
December 11th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Thank you so much hi tackle….if….IF Big Swifty gets to see this, it may just help….who would want to miss the chance to be re-branded as the MEDALLION STALLION? Would I be right to think that you may work in the Emergency Services area? God Bless You. KJ
December 11th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Big Swifty is driving fast…..
December 12th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Big Swifty must admit the nightime desert sky is beautiful…..
December 12th, 2008 at 9:12 am
As the official photographer for the KJ/Big Swifty Project, I took those shots. Big Swifty was a little hard to manage but nothing that a little santa snow couldn’t cure…the bond between KJ and Swifty tells me this is where his problem lies, as he flicked that garter I thought: oo oh we’re in trouble here, but you might also notice his mouth agape ready to throw back more of those wretched pills. Swifty, I beg you to face your demons and allow your inner reindeer to leap and frolic. Photo A is my choice ’cause there’s serenity in the pose.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Big Swifty is driving up the Pacific Highway….I just saw him cruise past and he has that look like: HELLO, would you like to pull over and take a little something? In other words, you’re safe for now KJ. Don’t know about the other drivers…..
Garter shmarter! Who cares what he’s pulling off?!! I choose A. More tude.
KJ: Greek and loving it – thank you for reporting in, albeit with troubling news. Big Swifty always said the road was the only home he ever knew……thank God you didn’t accept his invitation to pop over for afternoon tea…..
December 12th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I’ve weighed up the facts here. The subtext of both images is interesting. I’m tempted to ask permission to use the VISUALS ONLY (song not suitable for elderly people who are not having sex anymore but are expected to keep their cool whilst teaching some of the most intellectually well endowed people in the country) in a keynote I’ve giving next week in Barcelona. HOWEVER – to the important bit which is..what’s my gut feeling for the CD cover?
I would have to say because of the visitor’s tag evident in the middle bottom half of the scene smack in the hub of masculinity Power/sub version/ MPEG – the winner has to be A.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Definitely A. I’m getting Carly Simon/Warren Beatty. And the visitor’s pass stationed behind KJ’s derriere. Magic.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Big Swifty….someone from EMI is ‘getting’ WARREN BEATTY! I ask you: who on earth would throw away the chance to be likened to WB on a medium or (best case scenario) even long-term basis…who on earth…..? KJ
December 13th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Swifty, you can come to my house ANYTIME. Just say the word and I’ll fill a Xmas Stocking with goodies: Panadeine Plus, Herron, Nurofen, Advil, caffeine.
On second thoughts, Swifty you can also stuff anything into my Kolotex hosiery.
December 13th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Marry Me – one of the first things I read in my ABC Moderator Training capsule was this: The ABC does NOT and will NEVER host dating sites.
Perhaps it’s time for you to find another cyber community a little more appropriate for what appears to be your not inconsiderable needs. Good luck. KJ
December 13th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Big Swifty is onto his third car.
December 13th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I return from an undercover op to discover this contretemps.
My mind immediately flashed back to Bletchley Park when Gretel the Greenback fell out with Hunchback Hans over a mission to set in motion Female Flashing in Berlin. Ah, the emotions that spilled over ! All on the brink of D-Day. It was enough to drive a man to absinthe.
Gretel was finally mollified by recognition of her role as a True Artist, and similarly Hans was persuaded of his Inner Beauty.
It’ll be All Right on the Night!
As the Bard says:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds,
Admit impediment.
December 13th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Big Swifty, or Gross Schnellberger as we’d have dubbed you in the old days at Bletchley, you do not deserve criticism for suffering what we termed ‘combat fatigue’.
You need someone to talk you down, call you in, give you a good debriefing after a harrowing experience known only to those who have Been There.
Your Inner Self is laughing at your medallion. If it were a Victoria Cross it would not be worth a hill of beans to you at the moment, even though it was For Valor in the rock industry, yet it only took a blonde and a Cooking for Kev kitchen to bring you down.
As we used to say at Bletchley, For God’s sake, man, pull yourself together!
Do not despair, however, because worst cases have been cured.
I’m thinking about one of our lads, The Spy Who Came In From the Warm.
We’d sent him on mission to Berlin. Like yourself, he was musical.
He wound up playing for the Gestapo Chopsticks and Lili on the Steinway with his kneecaps on the keyboard while naked and covered with goose lard.
They took him on tour.
So successful was the gig which featured him on the back of a Mercedes truck along every autobahn in Deutschsland that the Nazis teamed him up with a songstress for films, radio and records.
The trouble was that TSWCIFTW could play only with his kneecaps.
He was useless with his fingers, nose, elbows, toes and private parts – they were all tone deaf or lacked rhythm.
The Songstress mocked him and he returned from his mission a shell of a man.
My memories of him even on good days remind me of Kevin Rudd.
TSWCIFTW responded to my debriefing when I suggest that he do a stint on Uncle Arthur’s Hour for Naughty Children on the BBC.
He discovered that not only could he sing, but he could compose.
I think his song, Don’t Step on Ants, You Little Bastards Or I’ll Kill You, is still played on the Beeb.
It was no good talking to him about staying focused. The Commando Meth had him in such a state that he could see through his eyelids.
Big Swifty, the Mexicans say that Hope is the last thing to die.
You have had a bad experience and you are On The Run.
Come on in, BS, come on in !
December 13th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
The Ginger Man – thank God, you’re here!
I know that you and Big Swifty have had a fraught relationship BUT what we need here is LEADERSHIP, experience, ego and a CAN DO attitude…..
The Ginger Man, our little cyber community (where the hell ya been!) is thrashing around with the best will in the world…. BUT, what have we achieved? Nought! The workings of Big Swifty’s addled mind, his perverse compulsions, his desire to destroy…..it as as if he mocks us, loathes our collective tilt towards decency,
The Ginger Man – you say: Come on BS, come on in!
We say: Come on The Ginger Man, BRING HIM IN! BRING BS IN!
December 13th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Channel Ten News Transcript
Police, media commentators and spokesmen for the Australian popular music industry tonight have appealed for assistance in tracking down a fugitive they have dubbed The Gecko Man.
Our reporter Ralph Blur is at the scene on the Pacific Highway in the Newcastle region of NSW…
Ralph, what can you tell us? Why’s he called The Gecko Man ?
Blur: Well, according to witnesses the pupils of his eyes are so small that they resemble those of the small Australian reptile. He’s reported by children who saw him run away after refusing to pay for a cup of coffee at Hexham to look something like Beavis of the cartoon series, Beavis n Butthead.
At another coffee house at Brooklyn he offered a bronze medallion to a waitress and when she refused it, began to attempt to eat it with his coffee.
So Ralph, we have a sick puppy on the run?
We sure do. At Nelson Bay RSL he stole another cup of coffee and a pensioner’s aspirin tablets before climbing on the stage and attempting to lead the audience in a rendition of Yes, Jesus Loves Me, the Bible Tells Me So.
At Shoal Bay he climbed into the basement of a house to escape from a rainstorm and awakened the owners by calling out, Heeeeere’s JOHNNY!
I understand The Gecko Man has a background in the Australian Music Industry and has worked on recordings for the ABC because at one point he was seen holding a picture of himself and a blonde woman smiling on a record cover, and saying, ‘Tears before BEDTIME!’
I spoke to a spokesperson for the ABC…
He’s a sick man suffering from Recording Industry Fatigue and we say to him, Come on in, come on in. Help is waiting.
Ralph Blur, Channel Ten News.
December 13th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Ralph Blur, with a Channel Ten News update on the search for The Gecko Man.
Tonight I spoke to Professor Schwarzenheim, a psychologist who is also an expert on the recording industry.
Schwarzenheim: This condition is more common than many people think. The subject has often had a very successful career, then something we call The Hill of Beans Phenomenon brings it all down.
In this case I think meeting a fair woman who is a recording challenge has reminded him of his unfortunate relationship with Blondie and the lyrics, Pain in the Ass.
I asked the professor if he could put a name to the condition that The Gecko Man is suffering from.
Schwarzenheim: Some call it Recording Combat Fatigue, but it really is the MANopause. The Manopause is becoming prevalent amongst very creative people.
So there you have it, a new psychological problem in the entertainment industry.
All we can do is watch and wait and call to The Gecko Man: Come on in, come on in……..
December 14th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Big Swifty is shooting ‘roos with the local constabulary.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Big Swifty (Gecko Man) – you MUST come back to us within the next seven hours or the Root For Xmas sequel track is dead in the water……
The Ginger Man is on standby. He is prepared to meet you….have a little chat (lunatic- to-lunatic) and BRING YOU IN……
I beg you, leave a message here for The Ginger Man. Do not be embarrassed: for, if anyone’s been around the block, The Ginger Man has……..
Re the roo shooting…I remember that once….after a particularly harrowing session in studio….you said you wished you were on the back of a fast moving ute, picking off roos caught in the spotlight. I thought it strange at the time. Now, it just makes me sad: Big Swifty, if you feel trapped in the spotlight, tell The Ginger Man…tell him everything. Godspeed.
December 14th, 2008 at 9:01 am
KJ,
As I used to say at Bletchley, Don’t panic Captain Mainwaring ! [D's A stole the line, damn their eyes].
Staying calm is the first and greatest of principles.
As a first step I have purchased a large collection of blank canvases and pots of blue and grey as I look out on this summer’s day.
Next I obtained an old vinyl of Don McLean.
Now I just know that BS has driven his Chevvy to the levee, but due to Climate Change it’s totally dry. And those good old boys are drinking Jack.
They were surprised to see BS imitating Eric the Eel on the bone dry sand, then climbing up the levee and holding up his Medallion as if he was on the stand at Beijing.
Perfectly normal behaviour for a man suffering from the Manopause.
Nobody should feel ashamed over this complaint. It’s a pandemic.
I have just finished a dinner date with a female who has more Testosterone than the Tigers, and when I explained to her that meeting her in all of the gin joints in the world did not mean a HILL OF BEANS she laughed in my face and offered to take me home for a golden shower.
The fact that I am a highly decorated War Veteran meant nothing to her. I am just another Manopause sufferer.
I tossed my VC into the ashtray as a tip, and left . She can pay for the coffee, in fact the whole darned provender for that matter.
I was interested in the revelation that BS has joined in the hunt for Kangaroos, there being no grouse in this country so far as I am aware.
This could be dangerous and I recall once putting two barrels of B25 shot into a colonel’s fat arse by way of demur.
BS, pull yourself together man. Report in, soonest!
December 14th, 2008 at 10:58 am
BS,
Time is running out. Perhaps we can meet on Neutral Ground? Say a Mormon Temple or the Scientologists in the City? Brendan Nelson’s Wilderness Years book launch?
I do not want you to wind up in the No Friends At All Section at Rookwood or – if you survive – as a paid listener at Kevin Rudd’s Poetry Group.
Neutrofen Neurosis is not the answer any more than Panadeine Paranoia, Aspirin Agoraphobia or Bex Bliss.
Pull yourself together, man!
You have to build a New History.
Blondie was part of your Past.
KJ is your Present!
The World is Awaiting, the world’s ears are awaiting.
Not since Shane shot through on his horse, or Little Boy got Lost has there been such a public yearning,
If Slim Dusty was alive he’d write The Ballad of Big Swifty.
(A thought: Whatever you do, keep safe, and remember the tayzer guns have not become general police issue yet — they just have 45s and kangaroo guns.)
Come to think of it, why don’t we write the ballad together ?
Big Swifty rode the highway
The only place called home
The desert stars a shining
Wherever he did roam
Big Swifty is a Mighty Man
Though carrying such ills
A flask of Jack upon his back
And a sugar bag of pills
Chorus: Come back, Big Swifty
Turn that car right around
Come back, Big Swifty
And the mates you have found
Santa Claus is coming
But Big Swifty he’s not here
What’s Christmas without ‘im
and Jack ‘n a case of beer?
Come back, Big Swifty
And heal those awful wounds
Come back, Big Swifty
The Kudelski Nagra’s wound.
Come back, Big Swifty
Turn that car right around
Come back, Big Swifty
And the mates you have found
.
December 14th, 2008 at 11:40 am
KJ
Enough of pleas and songs. Get the Parkes telescope into the search for BS.
December 14th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Ralph Blur, with a Channel Ten News update on the search for The Gecko Man.
I have spoken again to Professor Schwarzenheim, a psychologist who is also an expert on the recording industry.
Professor, you have mentioned The Gecko’s troubled relationship with Blondie and how the recording challenge with another fair woman has brought it all back from his subconscious….
Schwarzenheim: All of his relationships with members of the opposite sex have been troubled. The ABC have given me his case notes….
And they show what?
Schwarzenheim: Grave problems. For example, he began a relationship with an ABC librarian. In fact, he was on the brink of proposing marriage..
Marriage? Nobody does that much nowadays.
Schwarzenheim: For The Gecko, she was Miss Right.
So what went wrong?
Schwarzenheim: When he moved in with her he found that she had every copy of The Good Weekend stacked from floor to ceiling She had every Readers Digest ever published on all the tables. The toilet was packed with Cosmopolitans. The bed was made from editions of The Sydney Morning and The Age. Instead of carpets there were wall to wall Daily Telegraphs. The dining table was made from Time magazines. The lightshades were from old Life covers.
So what happened to The Gecko?
Schwarzenheim: He walked out on her. He hit the road and did not report for duty at the ABC until he was brought in by a highway patrol and examined by the Corporation’s psychologists. He said he still loved the girl, but it would not work out……
What was the problem?
Schwarzenheim: He said she had too many issues.
Ralph Blur, for Channel Ten News
KJ: It’s funny isn’t it?……how you can work with a person for extended periods and think you know them….only to find you know very little. I knew Big Swifty had had a torrid relationship with a librarian……and I knew they’d both fallen hard. So, when he said: She had too many back issues I didn’t even think to ask more questions….
If only I had taken the time……
December 14th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Good call Megsy! I’m about phone the boys in Parkes. I hesitated for a while because – as you know – I have used their services before and I really don’t want to wear out my welcome. I also know that the lead up to Xmas is now their busiest time – tracking down – and bringing to justice – virgin birth Refusniks. Further, I’m told (and this is fascinating!) the crackdown on virgin birth Refusniks came directly from Kevin Rudd’s office on the very day he became PM. But, I WILL ring Trevor who (I know) always grabs the Sunday shifts. He’s hungry for the penalties. Trev really does have a lot on his plate – six kids and a wife who says that if he doesn’t leave The Dish by April, she’s GONE!
Megsy, between you and me, I fear that Telescopic Trev may be another Big Swifty just waiting to happen.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
You know, sometimes, waking up caked in guts and dry blood – with a mouthful of dirt, dry spit and a non-specific, all over type of hangover just isn’t so bad.
OK, I’ll admit that lifting no-name whites from Fitzroy Crossing’s Famous Fongs Laundry and Licensed Aldi outlet might not have been the brightest idea I’ve ever had, but desperate times etc etc……
Who woulda thought that the old toothless heeler had a bark left in him?!
I ran, no-one followed, they all knew….
Out here, there really is nowhere to run to.
I’ll also admit to a moments trepidation when, later that evening, Constable Worthy unlocked the cell and grunted “lets go”, with a casual prod from his .222.
As I stumbled towards the door, my ribs still aching from the “entertainment” I’d been privy to a few hours earlier, I had but one thought:
Well Swifty, it has been Big, and it has been Swift…….
It was dark, it was the deserted desert….and the night sky suddenly didn’t seem so beautiful anymore…..
Worthy fumbled with something under the dash as we bounced through scrub.
I braced myself.
Worthy shoved something into my hands.
?
“Here, you take the spot.”
!
Half a night and most of a slab and a half later, not only had we torn through scrub and country like rampant vikings, shot up every tree, rock, sign, and fence-post that lay in our path and stopped often just to piss on the bush and boast – BUT we’d also bagged a bootful of ‘roos.
The night was an orgy of shooting, swearing, skinning, slicing …..best mates we were – the blood lust bond fast and deep.
So it felt at the time.
As I surveyed the scene by grim morning light, I clocked the 12 ‘roos’ heads staked in two neat rows, each with a fag hanging limply from its forced death grin, and a dreadful shiver ran through me.
Swifty, how close did you come this time? I asked myself with a low whistle.
I recalled the moment during the night when things turned suddenly serious, when the comradeship and bravado suddenly disappeared…when once again we were King and captive.
The mock trial, the, dare I say it, kangaroo court deluxe, was in fact quite hilarious in some respects…..
Worthy suddenly appearing from behind the ute in fine platinum-blonde rayon wig, a little too much rouge for my liking, using his rifle as gavel, squeezing off skyward shots with abandon, calling proceedings to order…the forthright and forceful lawyer for the prosecution, barking, barking, nipping and barking, the bumbling headless-roo lawyer for the defence (my only hope), briefs spilling comically from its flaccid pouch, the cold icy stare of the jury, so hard to read, the summing up, the waiting for the verdict, the silence, the waiting, the waiting, waiting…….
I shuddered again and started thinking about the previous seventy-two and a bit hours.
There was something wrong…..some sort of unbalance…hard to place…had I lost perspective?…so easy, so easy……….
It hit me like an outback cop with nothin’ better to do.
Art.
ART!
THE ART!
Cover-shmover, it’s the ART that counts!
They can put whatever they bloody well like on the outside…it’s gonna be gold on the inside my darlings, GOLD!
There was no time to lose.
A brief glimpse at my swollen left eye and split lip in the rear view mirror re-assured me that I was leaving this part of the world in a safe pair of hands.
I turned my back on Worthy and co.
I smiled.
Four hours later, I climbed out of Skye and Tran’s kombi, pointed them down the road to Cable Beach, and wandered into the centre of town.
Met a lovely young Japanese couple in The Odd Pearl who graciously bought my last Oyster Perpetual; just enough for a plane ticket and a coffee. Things were looking up!
And now, I am on my way back.
It’s been a cathartic experience – fully cleansed, I’m ready and rearing. Gotta be mixing by tomorrow morning.
Firstly, let me say I am very taken with the concern and consternation shown by all out there. I was almost teary when I logged back in.
As ol’ Papa Swifty used to say: The wise man knows he has been foolish, but the fool has no idea he has been wise.
And so I will say it for all to hear and know: I HAVE BEEN A FOOL.
Make of it what you will.
However, so far I have been both careful and lucky – not left much of a trail. I fear the very act of this communication has doomed me.
Having no cash or barterable items left, I had no choice but to use one of the many Gold Cards I have about me (my second favorite, a great hologram of a grinning mercenary before a burning oil field, kalashnikoffs rampant), to get this in-flight internet going.
Well, they can’t do anything to me up here, but I’m sure they’ll be waiting at Mascot….
So a call:
THE GINGER MAN -
Firstly, thanks for the ballad…..it took me a while to decipher, but after a little parallel thinking, it came to me.
Of course, the Ionian key! No-one uses the old Ionian key any more.
Very cunning, old bean.
And I agree, something must be done.
Secondly, I think I’ll be needing assistance once we touch down this evening.
All I have to say is:
The black swan walks east when the purple rain, purple rain…..
I’m sure you understand.
As for the rest, all going well I should be back in (secret) studio location within the next little bit…meanwhile, might head down to Domayne and see what Jo is up to.
I have missed that six foot amazon, that jet black hair, those coal black eyes, that clipped, Slovenian accent that makes even the most intimate of requests sound like an Eastern Bloc army command….
BS
December 14th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
The Ginger Man, The Ginger Man – where are you!!? Big Swifty is coming (what I’ll loosely call) ‘home’. He wants you to meet him at the airport….is saying hopeful things like: something’s got to change….
I’ve rung Qantas – a lovely woman called Trish said she wasn’t allowed to give out details of manifolds. However, I could hear her colleagues at the call centre laughing in the background: The GECKO MAN, well that’s a real first, a real first!
So thank God, Big Swifty is on his way….
The Ginger Man, I know you’re used to working under impossible conditions but be careful. BS is in a bit of a state. Terrible. He was always going on about us doing a ditty for Tourism Australia but anyone who’s read his report of the events overnight would probably rightfully conclude: FAT CHANCE!
The Ginger Man, where the bloody hell are ya? BRING BIG SWIFTY IN! BRING HIM IN!
Megsy…just to let you know…..I did contact Telescopic Trev. He said the boys had been frantic, tracking those virgin birth Refusniks. And, just quietly, there are some very interesting names on the list so far. Wonder how Kevin will react when he finds out that Therese is on top of the ‘Rs’. Afterall, he instigated the witch hunt……and I bet she (like all those other Refusniks) doesn’t knock back all those virgin birth generated public holidays! Very tricky!
December 14th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Good Morning, Ralph Blur, at Sydney Airport with a Channel Ten News update on the search for The Gecko Man.
The airport was packed with media and spectators early this mornng when a long haired man with a raffish beard, long blood-soaked tangled hair and carrying an assortment of marsupial heads as stoppers for various liquor bottles emerged from an aircraft.
He brushed past waiting reporters with a brief comment
‘Whowouldathought…’
He muttered something about ‘Jack’ saving his life, Aldis, no name whites, outback Chinese, the need for closer surveillance of bush police.
It was an incomprehensible gabble from the man who has been dubbed The Gecko because of the micro dimensions of his pupils and his inclination to fall down and pretend to be dead.
On examination (camera closeup) The Gecko could also be described as Ferret Features, or The Man with No Eyes.
Gecko (to camera as he runs towards a taxi , handing the driver an Oyster Perpetual watch):
Art.
ART!
THE ART!
Cover-shmover, it’s the ART that counts!
The Ionian Key, The Ionian Key, The Ionian Key !
Hey Ginger Man, where you gonna run to
Hey Ginger Man, where you gonna run to
All on that day ?
An Australian government official (long shot of man in trench coat and hat with a green muffler embroidered with TRINITY) was on hand to greet The Gecko Man and I spoke to him later
Your name Sir ?
G.I.N.German and I am unable to disclose the nature of our discussions with a very distressed citizen. All I am able to say is that he has PULLED THROUGH MAGNIFICENTLY and he is helping us with our inquiries.
After blood tests and examination by scientists from the Maralinga Project and others interested in desert radiation I am sure he shall be returning to his duties in recording at the ABC, unlike that man Lloyd.
But doesn’t he seem a little, er, spaced out like Lloyd? Will any disciplinary measures be considered ?
No, the two cases are quite different. The other Meth Man is behind bars and unable to report for duty. Our man was on a mission for Science and Art.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have serious matters to attend to. Are you going to the City?
Ralph Blur, Channel Ten News.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:39 am
Thank you The Ginger Man, thank you! And yes, there have been times over the last months when I’ve thought: That The Ginger Man Is All Piss And Wind….shame KJ, shame….
And thank you to everyone in our little cyber community – I could NOT have got through the last 78 hours without your help. Special mention must go to Megsy who even contributed her treasured bronze medallion to the ‘Bring Big Swifty In, Bring Him In’ emergency. And….tongue kisses to all of you who kept voting for pic A or B throughout the crisis – I really needed to feel that no matter what, there were folks out there living and loving – and being democratic. I’d also like to say that the Australian media comes in for much criticism – lots of it justified, some not…..but if Ralph Blur, Channel Ten News, isn’t a shoe in for the Walkleys 2009, I’m not a recording artist. Best news of all, Big Swifty is back mixing (no not white powders!) and the Root For Xmas sequel track should be on your turntable Wed, Thurs latest. BS has been at (what’s left) of the mixing desk all night tearing the new track up……if ever being Bi-Polar has been a bonus, it is now!
Love to you all (gee, I could go a big plate of king prawn cutlets….) KJ
December 15th, 2008 at 8:09 am
KJ,
Greetings from The Ginger Man en route to Baghdad from Sydney Airport having done all I can to resolve the contretemps at Radio National, or as slow moving fin de siecle journalists put it, the Ionian Solution.
When Channel Ten’s crew refused me a lift to the city after seeing BS, or The Gecko as the media described him, safely ensconced in a taxi, I looked at the handful of Oyster watches he had palmed me. The Oyster Watch at Sydney Airport, as BS puts it, is a hard gig.
There is, however, a Providence that watches. It always watches, like a vigilant oyster, the welfare of The Ginger Man. So it was really no surprise to encounter my old friend Penny Wong whom I had taught Shen Fui Cantonese as a young girl.
I explained to Penny that the discovery that Iraqi Journalists Vote with their Feet can have enormous consequences for Climate Change. Remember, I told her, the Barefoot Doctor movement in Mao’s China ? How it excited us? Hence the Barefoot Journo movement in Baghdad.The Long Barefoot March has begun.
Penny became excited as I unwrapped my prototype, The Lame Ducker, an aerodynamically perfect shoe based upon the principles of the indigenous boomerang. It flies accurately and returns to the thrower.
It is also carbon emission free.
To use a GW phrase, you can duck, but you can’t hide.
I know KJ and BS you’ll both be doing your bit to promote The Lame Ducker amongst Radio National journalists.
When they feel the warm, rich sandy soil of Ultimo under their bare feet they’ll know that they are doing their Climate Change Bit, and not by 2070, but NOW!
I thought about calling Nancy for a new update, but she’s a bit long in the tooth like Jane Barbarella Fonda, so I think that BS and KJ could combine their talents to produce the CD, These Shoes Ain’t Made for Walking.
One of these days, these shoes
Are gonna fly right up at you …….
Cher could be an option, but I prefer to shop local.
Do you believe in shoes after shoes, after shoes, after shoes, after shoes?
The Lame Ducker has giant prospects.
Whowouldathought…?!!!!
BS knows what I’m talking about.
The black swan walks east when the purple rain, purple rain…..
December 16th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Hi KJ, been a bit conspicuous by absence. I have returned from a road trip to Coffs Harbour to collect all my worldly possessions including my beloved recording equipment. A trip to the pub on the Tuesday night (karaoke night) confirmed everything I said was no exaggeration. My Greek mate, his gorgeous Asian girlfriend and myself left after a few just shaking our heads. Nuff said, turn page start afresh.
Now down to this artistic dummy spit. You know as a purveyor of fine arts I have to be brutally honest with you, if not for your own but for Leeton’s greater artistic good. I think in both shots you look like you could do with a schooner of agerol and a prune sandwich. Contrived and staged leaches from those pictures. I need to feel something that represents your spontaneity, like a post lunch fart in an office block elevator. Intimate and confronting and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
I am so sorry to side with the swiftmiester on this one: HOWEVER, as a fellow producer I must remind you that he is operating on a higher level of artistic conciseness. He is your Yota. I am sorry if it taints your virginal artistic integrity and you are miffed by this. Like all things in the cosmos it is just so. I can tell you one thing though: someone in Leeton is going to be very happy having you two under their tree.
Now don’t kiss and make up because the underlying sexual tension is providing more chemistry and good taste than that secret coating on Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Always remember when it comes to cover shots….it’s not the wrapping, it’s the present inside.
Feeling Leeton
Dimentagon