Email to:Do you really, REALLY enjoy camping…?
WELCOME BACK FROM YOUR ANNUAL FAMILY CAMPING HOLIDAY!
Cr: Matthieu: flickr/
Did you enjoy yourselves?
Yes, thank you for asking KJ…we DID!
And what exactly did you ENJOY?
Well…..our obnoxious kids got out and about with all the other obnoxious kids….they were like bilson in the wild!…..and it was all very INEXPENSIVE…
Inexpensive or CHEAP? ‘Cause I’ll tell you something for FREE: camping should be cheap because it is CHEAP….just quietly, I’d pay 20 times over what you paid for your favourite site NOT to go, NOT to go at all…..by the way, did you all eat well…?
YES, we did. Every meal was a pleasure. We CAUGHT our dinner every night!!!!!
Would I be right to think when you say CAUGHT….you mean you chased bits of rancid bacon, rocket and fetta floating around in the stagnant pool that was your stinking esky? BUT, the beach – the beach is FREE – did you enjoy the beach?
YES, we spent every moment we could on the beach….talking, playing beach games…..and this year there was only one frantic trip to the nearest Emergency facility 250 kms away. Our kids and needle stick injuries…..we see it as OUR little holiday ritual (giggles…..)
And did you ENJOY re-invigorating the INTIMATE side of your ADULT relationship?
Yes, YES, we did!!!! Simon just couldn’t keep his hands off me and vice versa….removing ticks, popping watery sun burn blisters, holding each other tight during horrendous nightmares caused by severe sunstroke…..
Enough talking…….I guess you took lots of photos?
Yes, we did…and I have the best two right here…..
Cr: Liz Henry: flickr/ Cr: Skampy: flickr
SO, YOU TELL ME – DO YOU REALLY ENJOY CAMPING?
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I once had to hit the blow up mattress Mario Puzo style. I was safe under my borrowed canvas. No false names on hotel registers, no checking through peep holes waiting for room service. What kept me awake was the pistol butt under the sleeping bag. Princess and the Pea!
Dear Megsy! This is NOT a traditional family camping holiday (wow!) KJ
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Your avid reader still suffers from thoughts of bugs sharing that sleeping bag……
Kerrie Jean, I was a trifle indiscrete in my previous correspondence. The services of Marlowe, Private Detective may be required. (We all DO have cheekbones).
I freak out whenever I hear those words: Watch your back. WHERE IS TGM? Has he taken the Sicilian law of omerta? I wish I had.
Now Megsy, I thought you were a sweet thing…..now, I discover that you sully the superb conservation and recreational facilities that are our National Park network by conducting illicit personal relations in sustainable family camping grounds. Next time, GET A MOTEL, GET A MOTEL! KJ
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Meg angel,
It’s Barlowe with a B for baby whereyabeenallmylife? not as you say Marlowe with an M for: mindyourarseconcerningcopyright.
Like I say you’re kinda cute. You get cuter by the minute.
Your story reminds me of Barlowe and the Night Crawler.
It’s a horror tale about a man who terrorised campers by crawling from tent to tent while dressed as a Giant Black Cockroach (M rated).
I don’t think you’re coming clean with me about that Camping Trip, sugar.
Tell Uncle P.J.Barlowe and you’ll feel better for it, angel………….
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
A brief message, dear Meg, to say I am doing a short spot of recuperation at the Dunrootin veterans’ home.
I note the rather distasteful discussion regarding the colour of stools.
Perhaps it’s a lifetime of absinthe addiction, but I must ask:
WHY ARE MY STOOLS SO BLOODY GREEN ?
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:31 am
Good-day,
Apart from being difficult to spell, psychiatry is an onerous discipline.
I am Professor Farzenheim of the Psychiatric Research Institute for Internet Communication.
It has been with great interest that I have examined the following dialogue on your Website,
The Vermillion Letter Says:
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
Dear KJ,
I need your expert advice. Last evening I consumed a great deal of beetroot. My stools this morning were vermillion. Is this normal? I have searched the net for advice and note you come with high recommendation as a scatologist by crikey.com
KJ: Dear Vermillion Letter……if there’s one thing I usually LOVE doing – it’s offering advice. However, there are TWO tracts that make me more than a little queasy – the REPRODUCTIVE and the GASTROINTESTINAL.
So, I am referring you on, if you don’t mind…..to another site!
Click here – try do!
http://www.uwm.edu/Library/special/exhibits/clastext/clspg143.ht
As a research scientist of many years standing, and at times I must confess falling, down, I should like to reassure the correspondents that this is not a case of coprophilia.
Coprophilia (see Adler et al) can be has been defined thus:
cop•ro•phil•i•a
n. An abnormal, often obsessive interest in excrement, especially the use of feces for sexual excitement.
cop’ro•phil’i•ac’ (-ē-āk’) n., cop’ro•phil’ic adj.
Rather this is a case of Dietary Spectral Analysis, with a special emphasis on artistic frontal lobe involvement.
It is, of course a disclosure of hitherto hidden observation, but I ask is it any more surprising than Secret Women’s Business such as an examination of the Special Occasions Knickers Drawer?
In both cases, the subjects demonstrate post puberty preoccupation and this is no cause for alarm, but rather a demonstration of Analytic Qualities, which is my special field.
I hope these comments are of some small assistance…….
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Greetings Professor Schwarzenheim – thank you very much for taking the time to clarify (and repeat) The Vermillion Letter’s concerns. I was very worried that my site would be hijacked by a small but vocal fetishist lobby who really should get their jollies ELSEWHERE!!!!!
So Professor…….I ASK YOU, as a small boy, young adult or RIGHT NOW – do you enjoy camping!!!!??????
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Camping with Schwarzenheim in the Schwarzwald was a big success with the campus even if one student insisted upon bringing Mein Kampf.
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I’m an average sort of bloke in an average sort of family, and we all love camping.
We regard camping as a normal summer activity for an average family.
The only really unusual thing that has happened on our camping holidays is that once we caught a giant eel and it scared us.
Dad would never go camping with us, nor would he attend fireworks displays.
He said after camping in the Western Desert and New Guinea and seeing the explosions at El Alamein he’d had enough of that sort of thing.
That’s all I have to say about camping……..
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Danke, Herr Professor. Your Kamphs are always a delight, and we average Germans who go Kamphing with you at your Summer Kamphs are never disappointed by your program which is based upon normal, average family values.
January 24th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
A CHILLING TALE OF CAMPING AT THE SOUTH POLE
As I sat in the tea room of the Dunrootin War Veterans’ home the hot weather reminded me of Wilson, the Bletchley Park agent who thought he was a penguin.
The Nazis had planned Antarktika Walkyrie Wehrmacht Eissenfluss, the invasion of the South Pole .
Colossus decoded them .
What brave soul could be sent to oppose them ?
Wilson was two steps beneath the official standing of the tea lady.
Diminutive, self-effacing (Do you mind at all if I remain sitting in this chair?)
But very optimistic (I suppose the war will end one day).
Wilson had one supreme quality.
A terrible mid-winter day that would do terrible things to a brass monkey, but Wilson could cope (Lovely brisk day, what, a few dead birds around, what.)
We parachuted Wilson into the Antarctic, dressed in suitable clothing with a crate of Bonox and completely forgot about him.
The Nazis abandoned Antarktika Walkyrie Wehrmacht Eissenfluss.
Late in the war, Wilson returned dressed in a penguin fur costume.
He was almost dead from what he thought was a heatwave in December.
He spoke in squawks and followed around anybody dressed in black and white.
Wilson was a disgrace at officers’ black tie functions .
He tried to mount a colonel.
He picked up stones around Bletchley and swallowed them.
We put Wilson in a bath tub of ice until war’s end.
He’s our only agent whose war pension is paid in fish heads.
January 25th, 2009 at 10:22 am
TGM,
Was this a case of The Ice Man Cometh – Camping ?
January 25th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Just come back from a camping trip with memories of festive season.
It’s the season for giving, so they say.
My son was making his debut at a stall at a charity fundraiser.
Books, old paper backs, records…..
My wife asked me if I would mind if she donated to the stall the bottle of perfume I gave her for Christmas.
I said OK.
Should I have said that?
I have not been game to ask my son if the perfume was sold.
The wheels fell off the trolley my wife gave my son to take the junk to the market, so he had pay twenty dollars or more for a taxi, plus ten dollars for bottles of water because of the heatwave.
I think it cost eighty dollars to rent the stall.
We are on a bit of a learning curve here.
Should I inquire about the fate of the perfume? Or just let the whole thing go through to the keeper?
January 25th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Dear Donor…..you definitely should NOT ask your son whether he was lucky enough to move that bottle of scent for three-dollars. Trust me, your wife does NOT want it back. Just consider yourself lucky to have such open lines of communication with your wife….she didn’t appreciate your gift and was secure enough in your relationship to make that quite clear.
You are a lucky man. KJ
January 25th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Thank you KJ for the advice.
My wife is out at the moment.
I am frying a cabbage for brekky.
Not sure of the result.
January 26th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Dear KJ,
I NEVER camp. Quite apart from there being few cabin/tent sites close to hippodromes, it’s just not the thing to do.
You need a decent bath and bed after the spending hours studying the form, checking out the stables, patting the wrong horse (THEY all look alike), and trying to look like you believe what the trainer is saying about why your horse didn’t go straight to the front and stay there.
Allow me to share some goings on at Shepparton Gold Cup recently. Extremely hot, big, big crowd, first class racing. Shep did it in style.
Volunteers running frantically around and still smiling; shades of Syd-in-nee Olympics. I was lucky to meet some of the NZ owners of the cup favourite.
Never mind I couldn’t understand a word they were saying (one was introduced as Meggie – later I realised she was really Maggie). Those folks were genuinely nice. Their champ has won well over 1 mill and the syndicate members were happy so many were involved to share it round.
*The best part was when the victors of all races were given a celebratory drink or two AND…a huge bag of lollies.
Moonee Valley could take a few lessons from some of our hard working country clubs. They could also put some one by the name of Colleen in charge of bar/functions.
* This is new, this is NEW!!!! Confectionary companies muscling in on one of our iconic sports at a time when there’s an epidemic of young fatsos. Disgraceful! KJ
January 26th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Do school camps qualify for a mention, KJ?
KJ: Of course they do! School camps are where the leaders of tomorrow learn invaluable things – eg: the breeding cycles of monotremes and how to decode SPF ratings. I would love to be invited to be patron of the School Camp Movement……
January 26th, 2009 at 11:52 am
HOT TIP EXCLUSIVE TO KJ FANS…….!!!!!!
AVAILABLE ONLY AUST DAY.
SALE RACES: RACE 4: HORSE NUMBER 1.
Dear Megsy, the ABC is the sparkling jewel in Australia’s cultural landscape. It is NOT a tipping service…….except when Mr Antony Green struts his stuff…… The Moderator.
KJ again! – Here’s the late mail……Sale, Race 4, Horse No 1 is MR GINGERMAN!
The Ginger Man – as we all know is UP himself…….will he now go one further and be ON himself?!!!!!
January 26th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Meg,
Having tutored at a reform school, as they were once called, I have found annual outings in the bush very interesting.
There is not a road sign between Newcastle and Singleton that does not have bullet holes from our passing.
Stolen bullock on a spit was a regular on the rural menu.
Dynamite inspections of luggage prevented many a tragedy.
Smoked organic carp from two hundred penny bungers packed into a coke can river bomb was also on the menu.
Our acapella teacher left after the students tried to teach him Roll Me Over in the Clover, and then did just that.
Surely we should have made the Guinness Book of Records for both arriving and coming back in a stolen bus?
Bronze Medallion instructions were invigorated by Simulated Drowning being replaced by the Real Thing.
Mr Try Do would have fitted in perfectly.
January 26th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
The Dunrootin War Veterans’ home is deserted because everybody has gone to back Meg’s tip.
Not since I was at Epsom have I seen such excitement.
But will it be tears before bedtime?
January 26th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
It’s like Eureka in the Bathtub, Princess. Magnificent discovery.
Lollies for Horses!
Not detected by the stewards.
Untraceable.
Is there time to ring Sale and get a couple of jujubes down the throat of No 1 in the 4th ?
January 26th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
KJ,
Did you know that former PM John Howard learned Power Walking on a school camp at Hawks Nest?
He still makes nostalgic trips back there……
KJ: I would prefer if people respected the Howard’s privacy at the moment. They’re now just ordinary citizens….coping with the BREAKDOWN OF MELANIE’S MARRIAGE…….
January 26th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
My wife’s out.
I am trying to find out where my son’s takings from the charity stall are stashed.
Hang on, the frying cabbage is on fire.
Go No 1, go!
January 26th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Meg,
You know I might just pop down to the TAB and have a flutter!
Goodness, what’s come over me?
January 26th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Didn’t I say something about Tears Before Bedtime?
I am the only one in the Dunrootin War Veterans’ Home that has any tobacco, grog or money.
Matter of fact – because the horse was named Mr Ginger Man – I ran a little SP operation.
Sorry fellas, I do not pay out a place for 4th.
I have opened the Absinthe Bar as a gesture of consolation.
Credit is allowed and my comrades are very grateful.
It’s only a matter of time before a horse is named Bletchley Park.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I am NOT a thief.
Before my wife and son come home, I am going to sell something to replace the charity stall takings I borrowed to place a bet.
The item which escaped the clean up might have some value.
It’s called The Relaxation Set.
Relaxation Set includes:
*wooden bucket
*sisal sponge
*sisal belt
*loofah
*nail brush.
*mesh
*massage scrub
*******packaged in an attractive bucket and covered in cellophane
……must remember to clean frying pan after burning cabbage.
KJ: I love sisal-based products! If I had a lazy 10-thousand-dollars I’d give all this up in a flash – and become a sisal-based products importer.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Donor,
Sold! To the man with the green Trinity scarf.
Just what I need.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I feel so guilty.
I can’t imagine why I did that.
Jane did not have this wild side.
January 27th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Sorry…….
January 27th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Don’t worry dear Megsy – this is an adult site and as such people are responsible for their own bets.
….The word is….a greyhound by the name of Professor Scwarzenheim is doing great business down Dapto way……any LOCAL KNOWLEDGE on the Prof? KJ