Does My Bum Look Big In This Flag?
Jan 26th, Sydney, Australia. I have just returned home having had to transit through the CBD.
EVERYONE WAS WEARING AUSTRALIAN FLAGS……
Don’t worry –  I’m not about give you one of those lectures warning against crazy, unfetted displays of patriotism…..we all know where they can end up………
But, AESTHETICALLY speaking I do have very strong views on flag wearing.
So, please read on if you’re wearing an Australian flag, thinking of buying one for Anzac Day or there’s a niggling voice at the back of your mind….I really think a flag would suit me, I really think a flag would suit me, I really do……
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Too much? Credit: superciliousness: flickr
 * DO ACKNOWLEDGE that if you’ve put on a criminal amount of weight over Christmas and think wearing a flag will disguise it – YOU’RE DEAD WRONG! If your bum is as wide as The Southern Cross why, WHY draw attention to it by draping it in…..The Southern Cross?
* DO ENSURE that no stars are positioned on body parts deemed ‘private’ for very good reasons. Gauche, inappropriate AND disgusting…….
* DO NOT hitch your Australian flag up. You are NOT a Catholic schoolgirl. You are a citizen with rights and responsibilities….Â
*NEVER fellas, NEVER attempt the off-the-hairy-shoulder look with an Australian Flag. Fred Flintstone meets Mary Quant. Sad.
*NEVER cut a hole in your Australian Flag to make a poncho. It won’t fall right, it won’t fall right, it just won’t……….
*NEVER go knickerless/boxerless under your Australian flag. A constellation of possiblities – ALL risible.
Before I go….if you’re looking to buy a house AVOID neighbourhoods where backyard flagpoles are evident.Â
The old codgers who hoist and fly their own Australian flags are stark raving mad (and not in a fun way). They will go through your rubbish looking for contraceptive devices, will call the police if you have friends around after 5pm and will try to have the relevant authorities put your dog put down for unspecified reasons.
Be nice KJ, be nice……..what do YOUÂ think?
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
January 26th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
How to Fold a Flag:
Fold two sides in to form a square (the amount of these first two folds is determined by the size of the man – more for a smaller man, less for a larger man).
Fold the thickest corner over to make a triangle.
Place man on the triangle and bring up corner 1.
Follow diagrams 5 and 6, tucking corners 2 and 3 between man’s legs.
Bring up corner 4 and fasten together with flaps 2 and 3 as per diagram 7, leaving corner 1 between fastener and man’s skin.
Snug around man’s legs. Minimises leakage.
Do we also have Disposable Flags?
January 27th, 2009 at 6:55 am
Dear Mr Chadwick,
I have referred (as a matter of urgency) your correspondence to Professor Schwarzenheim of the Psychiatric Research Institute For Internet Communication.
Professor Schwarzenheim will Try Do.
I am very rarely out of my depth.
I AM out of my depth. You make me nervy….very, very nervy….
KJ
January 27th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Dear Ms KJ,
For having the courage to Cross the Rhine with the awkward topic of patriotism and sexuality, viele danke!
Your correspondent who demonstrates flag diaper techniques is subconsciously demonstrating how the SuperEgo (Mutterland, oder Vaterland) is exerting powerful, inexorable forces upon a grown male.
Tacitus in his work, Magna Germania Genitalia, demonstrates how captured Roman standards were used as fetishes by wild tribesmen.
The same principle can be applied today, whether the flag is from Albania or Zanzibar.
The small square of brightly coloured cloth represents the napkin of Mother.
When the Nation displaces Mother in the SuperEgo then the subject finds genital pleasure in the Flag.
Penis envy females can obtain similar satisfaction, but usually not from a folded flag, but from a standard flying from a pole…..
This is an explanation why some refer the the Flag of the Mutterland(Soviet 1945 et seq), and others to the Vaterland (Germany 1939-45).
Those who suffer from Flag Obsessions should not despair, however.
Flag napkins are used in my Kulturkampf therapy in the Schwarzwald.
Success always follows when the patient finally does, how you say in English?
……..a Number Two.
The therapy has gained international acceptance, save Australia, the United Kingdom, and especially the United States of America, where desecration of the Stars and Stripes is a criminal offence.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Meg,
Please do not wince at any criticism of your role as writer, poet, camping equipment expert, and collector of antique motel towels and now as author of……….The Art of Punting.
As Ashleigh Brilliant says in his book, I Feel Much Better, Now That I’ve Given Up Hope, THE TRUE ARIST is one who insists on producing a supply, whether or not there’s any demand.
Please keep the supply of tips for the races running.
Sure, Mr Ginger Man only ran fourth at Sale, but he Try Do.
Sure I made a packet running an SP book at Dunrootin War Vets Home.
Sure I scored a sisal Relaxation Set from a losing punter who followed your tip.
Sure, it’s not a Hill of Beans.
Must rush off as I am taking the Relaxation Set to Whale Watch to see if the whales can be sisalled to remove barnacles and other nasties.
TGM
The Ginger Man – I absolutely agree. Now that whales are NO longer fighting for their survival, they MUST urgently attend to matters of personal presentation. Many people who pay good money to go whale watching return home disappointed. They thought they were going to see sleek denizens of the deep. Not so. Whales are a terrible sight close up….they’re covered in shell pox marks, krill leftovers, shark bites and yes, tonnes of decaying barnacles. The stench is apparently unbelievable…
January 27th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
If I can’t have our beautiful Foreign Minister, can I have the voice of John Laws in a rendition of Advance Australia Fair?……maybe he’s already done it and it has escaped my attention.
Johnny Cash would be a fine example. Have a listen to this and have the tissues (or something) ready.
http://www.countrywhispers.com/raggedoldflag
Again, sorry about the tip.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Dear TGM,
Lucky you.
I’m writing to K. Rudd asking if a Relaxation Set can be in every Australian home.
This could be the answer to global warming and the financial crisis.
This nation needs to be sisalled.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Megsy – I remember clearly an anthology that was on our bookshelf in Leeton.
Title: In Love Is An Expensive Place to Die.
Author: Laws, J
Condition: Pristine!
KJ
January 28th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I remember fondly the goings on at the Riverina College of Advanced Education Wagga (now Charles Sturt Uni) on 2nd Dec ‘72. Many of the boys were to be in the conscription ballot and their fate depended on the election result. Red underwear was the uniform of the night. When the result came in those flags were off and waved madly around dorms. Thank you Gough!
January 28th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Taking the highway out of town I saw a man pulling down the last flag, and suddenly felt lonesome and a little afraid….
Desperate for direction I stopped at a Revive & Survive, and seeing a priest quietly smoking under the shade of a ghost gum I approached, asking the way.
The Man of God, who bore a striking resemblance to Ivan Milat (it wasn’t Ivan – no Doubt there), looked me straight in the eye, and pointing down into a rocky gully, said: Head for the mysterious slit and all will be revealed My Son…
And just then, through the summer cicada laden haze came another voice, an old familiar voice from long long ago: And that’s no way to say goodbye….
KJ: My goodness, lots to think about in here! Picnic At Hanging Rock meets No Country For Old Men?
January 28th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Dear Ex-Leetonite – what a marvellous image! I am so glad there were no Conscientious Objectors on site when all those red undies came off……KJ.
January 28th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Dear The Man in Red, White and Blue,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing a prophetic vision with us.
It takes guts to share such things with thousands of readers. Men lay face down in the mud in Nam for people like you.
You have not disappointed them.
Cynics like The Ginger Man may claim that it’s not worth a hill of beans, but I say there’s a thin red line that stands between those who dare to speak out without fear or favour, regardless of colour or creed, and those who shrink from the task and are found wanting.
Men lying face down in the mud in Nam were unafraid of this red badge of courage.
Can we meet the task of shouldering the burdens, taking arms against a sea of troubles and hearing and listening and seeing the Vision you have enunciated?
Yes we can, or as we say in Australia, too darn right, mate.
Your tale is as Aussie as the plop of a mango on the back lawn or Mum’s call to come and have a cuppa.
I remember meeting a wayfarer on a lonely bush track at the back of Marrickville.
The old timer shared with me his observation that John Howard’s eyebrows were getting shorter (this was long before the Rudd era).
The world was a different place after his words.
Will the world, however, listen to you, The Man in Red, White & Blue?
It is our fervent hope that we shall all hear your message like it was from K-pax,
and go forward, hand in hand to seek a newer world. Unafraid to laugh and love and live, not shirking the task ahead.
Men lay face down in the mud in Nam to pave the way for that.
Thank you again for your tale.
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was’ in.
and sing:
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=yhOKhJaM1QE
.
January 28th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Dear The Man In Red, White and Blue, (our Main Man)
Please stay and tell us more!
It is strange that as you posted I was playing this:
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=jAcAo_fSEtc&NR=1
January 28th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Ya pictures need to be bigger, Care-Bear. As for the waffle artists the less said the better.
January 28th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Listen here O’Slatter…first you refuse to vote for me in a prestigious competition – and now you lob in with DESIGN advice……and THEN proceed to have a go at my dear and talented correspondents.
Sometimes I really don’t know what makes some people tick…..
KJ
January 28th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Thanks for the music Dude.
I’ve been missing Johnny for some time.
Still on the road. Posting this via Blackberry via horseback (the horse likes the Man in Black too).
Still learning too, but this much seems clear:
We all make mistakes (see O’Slatter above – I’ve been studying his very small picture closely, and still can’t make him out, which could be me rather than him) but the question is: when do we know we’ve made a mistake?
I’ve narrowed it down to this:
1. There’s the mistake we recognise immediately (see Homer: Dow!)
2. The mistake we only realise much later (like 3 am five years later).
3. The mistake we never find out we made.
4. The mistake we think we made, but actually wasn’t a mistake.
I hope this helps.
January 28th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Dear The Man (I like affectionate contractions).
I like the cut of your jib, to coin an original phrase.
Not since the Royal Tanenbaums has so much talent been gathered together.
As for mistakes…mistakes shmistakes already.
Last time I tried equestrian Blackberry the darned horse ate it with unusual results.
Mr O’Slatter is into Quality Control.
Who can criticise that?
January 28th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Billy, Billy, Billy.
Give KJ a break.
She Try Do.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:35 am
My father inherited a front lawn flagpole in Narooma N.S.W and had custom designed flags stitched up – a golf club, a wine glass and a frightened looking snapper. The appropriate flag was flown to alert friends across the Narooma bridge of his activities. True story.
As for me, I think I should get some flag type situation to alert – and relieve me – of the students who will be back on campus soon. RED means ‘no you won’t get an extension today’, AMBER will mean bring me a coffee and we’ll see about your grade, and GREEN means bugger off, I’m off at a yoga class.
Haven’t laid eyes on the Dean yet. BUT, I have received a very encouraging email. I am looking forward to sharing my semesters’ activities with the Dean with you all. As long as no-one tells on me.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Just returned from camping with the last stages of an inner thigh rash. I blame it on the short shorts- this season’s fashion. I wore the racy little buggers into the salt water – then went for a long sweaty walk along the beach. Should have stripped off first and donned a sarong- a Greek flag perhaps?
Welcome back Greek and loving it – ALL stages of inner thigh rashes MUST be investigated. Please present to your nearest medical centre ASAP. This is important. KJ
January 29th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
There’s more than the touch of the Desert Monk (not be confused with the Dessert Monk who reeks of trifle and port) about you, and how you come up with such gems from your solitary reflections.
You can revolutionize not only the campus, but your home.
Red can mean: Your dinner is not in the oven and if you come in pissed again I’m leaving.
Amber can mean: I’m not religiously intolerant and I welcome callers, but if you are a Scientologist I’ll throw hot tea on you.
Green can mean: Bill has left, and I welcome gentleman callers.
Come to think of it, KJ’s site needs a flag.
What should it be?
January 29th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
I take it that your father was registered in Panama……
Re your proposal to share with us your activities with the Dean this semester as long ‘as no-one tells on you’ – I PROMISE YOU, there will be NO problems. We all desperately want to hear about academic freedom and how it relates to you and the Dean. This is a secure site….quite possibly, even MORE secure than your job!
We all await further news……KJ
January 29th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
Olive oil, as your yiayia well knows, is the perfect cure for rashes of the inner thigh.
I am not sure that it works for rashes of the outer thigh.
Welcome back.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Walking along Pacific Highway.
Incident with matron of Dunrootin Veterans’ Home. She hit me on the head with a frypan by way of demur.
Now I have the sky for me roof and the earth for me floor, like the song says.
Something will turn up.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Took sustenance at the Tie the Knot wedding parlour south of Gosford.
Had to pull The Missing Uncle from Dublin trick.
Alas, food mostly served and had to subsist on wedding cake.
Bride’s mother hit me on head with bouquet by way of demur.
On the road again.
January 30th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Hello there The Ginger Man,
It’s NOT like you to be brought so low…..just not like you………
TGM, you’ve given us all so much with your adventures so remember: NO-ONE can take that away from you….NO-ONE!
The spectacle of TGM ending up as the poster boy for the Salvation Army JUST MAKES ME WANNA CRY, MAKES ME WANNA CRY…..
Is there anyone out there that can help TGM?
He Try Do…..
KJ
January 30th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Ginge hitchhike to Leeton, there’s always room for you there and you can catch up on your philosophy. Don’t try to lay out your war plans on the lounge room floor however. The key question is : has cryptology moved on from Bletchley ?
January 30th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I have a dog, or rather a dog has me….
Licked my face and woke me up by the roadside.
Together we encountered an Asian boatperson trudging the other way.
Would you believe it, he is from the Try Do family.
In the Tiannamen Square protests of 1989 a man asked him if a man could stop a tank by standing in front of it, and he said:
Try Do.
I asked Try Do if he could suggest a name for my dog and he said:
BREAKFAST!
.
January 30th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Outside The Last Post Motel I said to my companion as I gazed at the Flag fluttering from a huge flagpole: Do you think you could climb up and get it ?
Predictably, he said:
Try Do.
January 30th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Useful new terms and phrases picked up over the summer break. Some I have still to work out what they mean so if anyone can help out I’d be grateful.
Dipping the Sheep. Used by a bloke from Canberra at a camping ground in describing why he was late emerging from his tent in the morning. He was dipping the sheep!!!!?????
Man taster. My cousin introduced one of her female friends to me at a BBQ as a man taster. I think this one needs no explanation.
Penguins. This party is full of penguins says a bloke to his mate in a disgusted tone. Penguins are excitable women who are acting as if they are single BUT they have, in reality, left their male partners at home to look after very small children instead (male penguins sit on eggs in freezing conditions till they are hatched whilst female penguins go swimming in warmer waters).
Feck off. Not new of course but found this very useful over the break.
KJ: Greek and loving it…..May I appraise you?……old sea lions (authentic single women with whiskers, big teeth and slippery bodies) HATE penguins with a passion.
January 30th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Dear Bill O’Slatter.
Thanks for asking. But nutrition is foremost, not crypto.
Have you forgotten that I have slept in a tree in Leeton, opened the Hill of Beans and had many adventures, and went to the dervish monastery?
A Leeton, like Kerry Packer’s Bond, comes only once in a lifetime.
January 30th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Morning tea at the XYZ, formerly ABC Child Care Centre.
Gave the children a little story before their Beddy Bye Time:
…And the Big Bad Policeman said to the Cheeky Chinaman.
Come down, Cheeky Chinaman.
But the Cheeky Chinaman would not come down…..
Come down, come down, come down Cheeky Chinaman!
Still, the Cheeky Chinaman would NOT come down.
So the Big Bad Policeman pulled the rope to Bring Down the Cheeky Chinaman.
He huffed and he puffed and he pulled and he pulled………
And he brought down the Cheeky Chinaman.
The Cheeky Chinaman fell on the Big Bad Policeman.
And he ran away. He was Still Cheeky, that Cheeky Chinaman.
January 30th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Greek and loving it……..
There are other types.
People who use the word ambience to describe everything.
Women who comment about the nature and quality of every morsel going through their teeth.
Old guys who are convinced they are still chick magnets.
Chicks who are magnetized by them.
People who say it’s not as good as last time we were here.
January 31st, 2009 at 12:04 am
There’s a thin red line, you know.
And above fly Old Faithful and the Southern Cross which are twined together in preventing blood being shed in Iraq, Afghanistan and in the future Gaza.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:49 am
“A Leeton, like Kerry Packer’s Bond, comes only once in a lifetime…”
Leeton is like the magic pudding and the back door (the most important door in the ABC) to Radio National. A palace of spiritual, physical and mental refreshment – after which you can attack those war plans with renewed vigour.
You won’t have to pay any bond Ginge and you can type while listening to the stereo.
February 1st, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Hello there Mr O’Slatter….wonderful words of encouragement to our poor old The Ginger Man. I know he’ll come good….I just KNOW he’ll come good. I suspect he is the Bi-Polar spy who comes in and out of the cold….
He can sit by my radiator any time……KJ
February 1st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Bill O’Slatter,
Thanks for asking.
Try Do is running down the highway.
A copper is out cold.
If you insist on the familiar, it is Ginge-O.
Best wishes. Cannot pause as this is an emergency.
TGM
February 1st, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Safety in numbers. Big political rally. Through car park. Faithful Trinity scarf over face.
Up stairs. Door marked PRIVATE. Stay, stay, stay, SIT to Breakfast the Dog.
Through the door. Thunderous applause. I am on stage. Man beckoning me to microphone. What party is this? What can I say?
These are dangerous times.
NOW A BIG WELCOME…Please be upstanding to welcome our next VIP,
Mister….
Gordon Bletchley MP, Member for Parkes. Thank you for the applause.
[This is going to be a tough one.]