Email to:Val’s Day Special Edition: is this the saddest date ever?
Happy Val’s Day – especially to everyone who’s expecting bugger all in the way of novelty items, foliage or fizz. To make YOU feel better, I am about to (at the cost of MY dignity) reveal all about an appalling date. Trust me, you don’t want to go through the likes of this – EVER! Be thrilled that there’s absolutely NO possibility of this happening to you. Enjoy your day. And please let me know how you’re doing….
BUT…..if you’re NOT put off (perhaps because of those life-sucking obsessive-compulsive traits) and MUST send a Valentine’s Day message – this site is secure so feel free….
( Cr: confused vision: flickr)
THE DATE:
An acquaintance says: I find it impossible to believe that a vivacious (though a little bitchy) woman like you has not had a date in well, yonks. I know a chap who’d be great: Can I give him your phone number?
No. Maybe. Yes. Yes..YES ! And while we’re at it – just in case contact proves difficult - I hand over my passport, medicare number and blood group details.
Everything goes swimmingly. He rings. IT IS ARRANGED.
I arrive at the D pub well before kick off, kitted out in stunning new garments: under, middle and upper. What I forked out could have secured me a brand new sedan or a full facelift. But, hang the expense for little ole me was defying the oft reported research showing that (at my age) I had a better chance of getting flattened by a meteor than securing a date.
…….Eventually, via the employment of mutal hand and smoke signals, I met my date. He’d been reading. A literary soul…..so far, so good. On closer inspection, the book is Trainspotting – that shocking litany of self-abuse and alienation symbolised by young n’er- do- wells in Scotland.
My date is very skinny. And a bit spotty. Weird speckly eyes. Pierced nose….his green suede boots, well-worn……..
TO SAY THE LEAST……..CONVERSATION IS LIMITED…….
I think: Time to invoke the early date exit clause…..
But my companion suggests dinner and (as you all know) I never pass up an opportunity to have my all time fave: two serves of prawn cutlets with a big side of prawn chips. He eats nothing. I pay.
On the footpath, I say: Great prawn cutlets. Great. Really great….well, off I go, nice to meet you…..
But you can’t do that. For you are the most beautiful, most POWERFUL woman I’ve ever met!
The investigative journalist in me takes over: Powerful. This is new…..POWERFUL?!! How so?
BECAUSE THE TIME I’VE SPENT WITH YOU IS THE LONGEST I’VE BEEN ABLE TO GO WITHOUT (INSERT THE NAME OF POWERFUL NARCOTIC) FOR YEARS…..!
(Came over very strange. A bit wobbly to tell the truth….)
Th, tha, THANKS for the compliment……but now it’s Goodnight my skinny friend……thank you for a memorable evening…..
NO WORRIES. I HAD A BRILLIANT TIME – CAN WE DO IT AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT?
Date wash-up: massive budget overrun spent on under, middle and upper garments never worn again. Thirty-six hours under doona whimpering. And a gruelling round of self-questioning about everything I thought I valued…..irrigation history, high-end packet cake mixes, civil society, surplus governance……it was all up for grabs.
I worked through it…..
And that’s all I want to say on the matter…….that is all……..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
February 14th, 2009 at 11:00 am
KJ,
Are these the sort of dates that made men lie face down in the mud in Nam?
I suggest some Pre-Date Agreement Form Questions to be addressed by the Datee:
Have you ever been on a date before? Y/N
In what way do I remind you of your mother?
Do you or have you ever called a woman Princess?
When I talk about our date afterwards and humiliate you, will that remind you of your mother?
If you say you adore me and I say, What Have You Done for Me Lately? – What is your reaction?
If you have any connection with drugs/alcohol/prawn cutlets, please state.
In what way do I remind you of Ingrid Bergman/Deborah Kerr/Kim Novak/The Mother of God/Audrey Hepburn/ Mother Teresa of Calcutta/ Your Mother?
If this Date does not work out, is suicide an option for you?
If this Date does not work out, do you think suicide is an option for me?
Would you like to call me Nursie?
Will you give me half of the cost of the meal/poker machine winnings/your future income/real estate and shares?
Do you suffer from a heart condition?
Will you refer to my clothing and appearance in a complimentary manner?
Are you a good listener over a three-hour period?
Are you a member/agent/employee of Desperate Dating Service?
Have you ever subscribed to Telephone Dating – Please Do Not Hang Up – Your Call is Important to Us?
February 14th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Love it The Big L. Will you respect me in the morning? – is not on your list. Very wise. Has any bloke ever answered NO to that.
February 14th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
My Darling The Ginger Man, I know that if you were not comatose you would have popped THE QUESTION.
On this very special day I say these words to you: My heart flutters at the very mention of your three-part name. I hunger for your touch and if Nurse Try Do goes anywhere near you there’ll be hell to pay.
You, My Sweet TGM, outdo any gentlemen that I have encountered in my vast collection of Mills and Boon – even Fabio. And may I quote him? - I am the most beautifullest man in the world.
Always yours – in sickness and in health,
Marry Me.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Patient G.I.N.German (36.4C) say……
Mmmmmmmmmmm
What mean this….Mmmmmmmmmm?
Mama or name woman?
Maybe Me, Mu Mu.
They call me Mu Mu, my other name is Try Do.
Maybe Patient G.I.N.German like Asian Lady?
He say…. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmarry me?
He say…..Mmmmmmmmmmmaybe?
Patient confused.
I call Roaral Doctor.
He say: GIVE ME HOT WATER AND PLENTY OF IT.
I say: You from country maternity hospital, doctor Roaral?
Some telephone ring-ring, ring-ring.
Women talking, talking……
I say Patient in Comma, why you call on Valentino Day? You no got good boyfriend?
You should Try Do.
Ssssh! Patient saying again,
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Dog called Breakfast bite Doctor Roaral and he drop hot water on foot.
He go to Emergency.
February 14th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
KJ,
Your mention of the payment of the meal reminds me of a Valentine’s Day at the Leeton Soldiers’ Club many years ago.
My friend and I had scored dates with two students from Yanco Agricultural High School.
We were very brave in accepting considering the rivalry between the footballers of the local high school and the all conquering University Shield heroes of YAHS. We thought we knew it all!
Mindful of how poor the half-back captain and his mate, a giant forward, must be…my friend and I pleaded loss of appetite and shared a plate of special fried rice (extra peas).
Those boys tucked in and had DOUBLE everything, including king prawn cutlets. Of course we were spotted by a fellow Leeton High School student who took great glee in letting the cat out of the bag. (Roma Street?)
No dates for us EVER from the oft flogged Leeton High rugby side.
The graduation dinner dance was a very lonely affair as is every return trip to Leeton.
Ex Leetonite – How could you do that? How could you do that? Sup with (then) Country Party boys…..? The spectacle of them tucking into king prawn cutlets while two fine (but sadly misdirected) Leeton High girls made do with ONE fried rice, sickens me. It’s a wonder they didn’t dump superphosphate on it to make it go even further. Shame, Ex Leetonite, shame….. KJ
February 14th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I love Valentine’s Day! Today, my husband purchased a yearling pacer now withdrawn from the APG (Australian Pacing Gold) sales. And its name shall be………..?
It’s just gotta be: TRY DO! KJ
February 14th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Dear KJ,
Look for a float bearing your image astride a giant king prawn cutlet at a festival coming to you soon. Kindly DO!
February 14th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
KJ,
Have a great Valentine’s Day…..
Love and kisses,
April, May & June.
Hello there April – TRUE story. I went to a funeral of a woman called Hope. Guess who was also there? Her two best friends from school days – Faith and Charity.
February 14th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Prawn cutlets? Schmutlets!
Forget about it.
You celebrate Val’s Big Day Out by obtaining:
1. Piece of string
2. Large amount of fat off Mum’s roast
3. Girlfriend
4. Access to a dam or swampland.
Method: Place girlfriend’s bottom on grassy bank.
Throw meat on end of string into water. Catch freshwater nipper and cook on pot.
Offer to girlfriend.
Enjoy both.
Lovely tableau The Dude….BUT you CAN’T crumb a yabby, no you can’t! KJ
February 14th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Fraulein KJ,
The Fragenantwort (what have you done for me lately?) is a common female inquiry.
I recall a female friend who had an unsuccessful relationschiffe with a house painter from Linz.
When he was unable to provide a satisfactory response, she walked away from a little man she regarded as an ineffectual loser. (It was 1929).
Years later, she met him in Bertchesgarten (Herr Bert had invited her) and she found him in a state of euphoria.
She repeated The Fragenantwort (what have you done for me lately?) and he waved his hands and pointed over the balcony:
DAS!
February 14th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Hooer-ray!
Patient G.I.N. German open eyes. It Mirable!
I put Message from Marry Me under eyes.
Patient go straight back into Comma (Big Twitch)
I call Roaral Doctor.
He say: GIVE ME HOT WATER AND PLENTY OF IT.
Try Do confused.
February 15th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Not ONE mention of St Val’s Day yesterday at my place. No song from KJ and BS either. The next ‘big one’ is Easter. How about it?
February 15th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Dear Megsy,
Big Swifty and I did have a chat about a potential St Val’s Day track. We came up with a title: ‘You’re My Cut Price Painkiller’ (in line with our history of first bumping into each other in the headache tablet aisle at Aldis.
We got a couple of lines down:
You’re my cut-price painkiller…
My Aldi’s thriller…..
And then we went blank.
BUT…..as you’re probably aware….the real sticking point is that BS is refusing to work with me until I sign up for singing lessons. He says I SHOULD.
Those who know me know this: I hear the world SHOULD: I turn off.
Sounds very bleak at your place on Val’s Day. Hardly a carnival atmosphere at mine either…. KJ
February 15th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Still reeling from a provocative post (see previous string)
Sorry KJ, have to agree with The Dude on prawn cutlets versus yabbies + girlfriend.
You can crumb a yabby
Yes, you can
You can crumb a yabby
Yes, you can
Just dip it in the crumbs
Fry in fat you got from Mum’s
You can crumb a yabby
Yes, you can
Your girl will love that yabby
Yes, she will
Your girl will love that yabby
And gobble it like a tabby
Yes, she will
You can crumb a yabby
Yes, you can
So, don’t get in a lather
No, you won’t
So, don’t get in a lather
No, you won’t
You’re the hunter/gatherer
Yes, you are
You can crumb a yabby
Yes, you can
You can crumb a yabby
Yes, you can.
Hello there Geriatric Chick Magnet and everyone with a passion for rural town streetscapes. When I was young and innocent, the best yabbying spot in Leeton was the irrigation channel near the Memorial Baths. As Hec always said: You can get a good feed there with mimimal buggerising around. HOWEVER, the irrigation channels ringing Leeton are now being cemented over to lessen evaporation. So…yabbying and a town’s distinctive character…..two forgotton victims of the global warming catastrophists.
February 15th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I singing small song to Patent G.I.N. German (36.4C)
Know he like Hopera and he sing in Comma one time:
My small hand below 34.0C.
I sing him song back today:
It from La BoHernia:
My name is Mu Mu
Real name Try Do
I come Australia
In a big canoo
Flowers I sell in Beijing
No buy, Nothing.
Songs in Hanoi I sing
No boy. Nothing.
Australia I work Anaesthesia
No fun. No pleasia.
I find nice man in Comma;
Full Stop. No closure.
My name is Mu Mu
Real name Try Do.
Head come from under blanket.
It Breakfast!
He hide from Asian nurses.
He like me. Wag tail.
He like song too, I think.
February 15th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Sweet, humble The Ginger Man, I know that nurse Try Do has induced new comma to prevent REAL love from flourishing.
This only serves to make my ardour stronger. My amore is forever.
I pray that your comma NEVER becomes a full-stop.
Marry Me – in the immediate sense, I’m very worried about TGM’S colon.
KJ
February 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am
You’re my cut-price killer
My Aldi’s pain killer- diller
A Panadeine tablet grindin’ miller
You’re a Stimulatin’ Package thriller
In a world that ain’t getting chiller
You’re my Empty Space Filler
And a Domayne Cut Price willer
BUT….
What have you done for me lately?
February 15th, 2009 at 11:53 am
What have you done for me lately?
What have you done to show you care?
Am I just a pretty pussy to stroke,
Am I just a fair face and nice hair?
What have you done for me lately?
What have you done to show you care?
I know you bought me prawn cutlets
And took me to Leeton Pig Fair
BUT…
What have you done for me lately?
What have you done to show you care?
Will you give me half of your income,
And half of your money and shares?
What have you done for me lately?
What have you done to show you care?
February 15th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Dear Big Swifty,
Here is a belated Val’s Day message for you.
BS, I am so looking forward to your next track. I reckon KJ WILL take a singing lesson or two.
I also love the intro to what may be your next hit tune.
Better than ‘Love is in the Air’.
February 15th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Marry Me,
I know TGM cares for you in his deep, green subconscious.
That was not a Twitch, but Arousal.
For the life of me, I can NEVER tell the difference….KJ
February 15th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Mary, Mary….
A great idea.
Attention to Miss King Prawn cutlet outfit necessary:
Necklace and bracelets of bright red prawns.
Prawns decoratively placed in long Godiva type wig.
Papier mache red shell dress and Big Red Boots.
Large bowl of cutlets to hand out to audience.
Trouble is, I think this has been done before….by Ms KJ…..
(I know a thing or two about these occasions. My wife was a Miss Whale Car Wash Mermaid)
Hello The Dude….And I also know a bit about such things. My sister, Mezza, was Leeton’s first ever RICE BOWL Princess. She didn’t have to dress up as a bowl to get the message across.
February 15th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Just Dropped In
To see what condition my condition was in…..
(yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition my condition was in)
I woke up this mornin’ with the sundown shinin’ in
I found my mind in a brown paper bag within
I tripped on a cloud and fell a-eight miles high
I tore my mind on a jagged sky
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
(yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition my condition was in)
I pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it in
I watched myself crawlin’ out as I was a-crawlin in
I got up so tight I couldn’t unwind
I saw so much I broke my mind
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
(yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition my condition was in)
Someone painted april fool in big black letters on a dead end sign
I had my foot on the gas as I left the road and blew out my mind
Eight miles outta memphis and I got no spare
Eight miles straight up downtown somewhere
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in
I said I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in
Yeah yeah oh-yeah
The Big Lebowski – It was NOT for nought. You lay face down in the mud in Nam to bring us this. Superb. KJ
February 15th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Lighten up Care Bear – that forecast for Aquarius was a joke geddit.
February 15th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Please don’t stick that yabby
Don’t stick that yabby
Please don’t stick that yabby
In the Pot
Please don’t stick that yabby
He’s got a mum and daddy
Please don’t stick that yabby
In the Pot
Please don’t stick that yabby
Though he is awful gabby
Please don’t stick that yabby
In the Pot
Please don’t stick that yabby
Or feed him to your tabby
Please don’t stick that yabby
In the Pot
Please don’t stick that yabby
He’s too sick and lookin flabby
Please don’t stick that yabby
In the Pot
February 16th, 2009 at 5:38 am
Hello Bill,
When you get paid two days a week to be funny it IS easy to lose perspective re my own little fears, hopes and dreams.
Many years ago at St Joseph’s Primary School Leeton, a nun was explaining how good Heaven was. One of my classmates put up her hand and asked:
So, when I get to Heaven Sister….and I can’t wait……can I just sit there all day and eat Monte Carlos?
Reply: Silly, stupid Frances! You’ll never have a Monte Carlo EVER again IF you make it to Heaven……there’s NO Monte Carlos in Heaven……NONE!
February 16th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Herr Bill O”Slatter,
Without examining your case history or your Denkart (mindset) it is difficult to evaluate your complex reasoning.
Certainly it could be argued that you belong to the Schadenfreude school of humor, which is named after a contemporary of mine, Ludwig Schadenfreude, a scientist who now in retirement runs the Humour R US comedy store in Los Angeles. His partner is Ahmed ‘Value’ Laden, a distant relative of the Bin Ladens, whose Twin Towers comedy series created controversy but a loyal following.
Similarly Ludwig caused a stir when he held his I Have a Nightmare rally at the Lincoln Memorial, and again in recent times with his No We Can’t Festival. These drew public attention, along with his film, Field of Nightmares (if we build it they won’t come).
Schadenfreude is a fascinating character. After the War he told those planning the Berlin Airlift: You can’t do it. When Jonas Salk was pursing his anti-polio vaccine, Schadenfreude said: It’s a pipe dream. He told Gorbachev: The Wall must stay. Schadenfreude last year told Obama: They won’t want a black man in the kike house.
In each case when he was proved wrong, Schadenfreude, said: I was only JOKING.
He and Ahmed, who also runs Value Laden Humour in Chicago, are unrepentant. Their philosophy is if people cannot run the gauntlet of humour when they are creating then there must be something wrong with them.
Jeeze, we were only joking Schadenfreude told Time magazine when interviewed about his book and CD, 1001 Funny Things About the Twin Towers.
February 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
It wasn’t me who spread the word about you dating a soapie, ex-Leetonite.
If your era was characterised by thrashings by YAHS, then we are not contemporaries. The YAHS University Shield side of my era brought shame on itself by being rolled by we Leeton so-called ‘cretins’ in the first round for 2 consecutive years.
Hello there Roma Steet, great to hear from you again….your local knowledge is second to none.
So…..you’re not a contemporary of Ex-Leetonite and you’re certainly not of mine either….
In either 1973 or 1974, I was in the official University Shield cheer squad for Leeton High – and we didn’t even get the chance to to show off our (just quietly) very provocative moves.
YAHS – 50: LHS – 0.
The LSC boys of that era exemplified the very best of Australian manhood. They were losing ‘their’ girls to the beef heads down the road AND sustaining terrible injuries on the field. However, many of these fellas turned to cerebral pursuits to boost their self-esteem. Some are now captains of industry, Qantas pilots or community leaders in Leeton. Haven’t a clue what the YAHS University Shield heroes of the early seventies are up to……..
One more thing: YAHS boys as ’soapies’? I’ve never heard that….definition please? KJ.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Patient G.I.N.German (37.0 C) wake up.
Open eyes 10.22 pm.
Breakfast wag tail. Go lick, lick.
Patient say, Why Everything So Bloody Green?
I confused.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Gee whizz Schwarzenheimie, Germans do have a lot of trouble with humour.
KJ’s mental state does not equal World War 111, geddit?
Now, I didn’t really want to make you a target Heimie but you’ve forced my hand. Freudianism is a clapped out, nonsensical pseudo science.
That anybody can claim that they are doing anybody any good by promulgating that load of steaming bull scheiss is the height of money grubbing hypocrisy.
It has no more scientific justification than astrology.
You’ll note that the Stephen Fry show last night had no mention of Freudianism.
Also note that increased use of Omega-3 oils has no scientific justification either.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:37 am
KJ,
I think it’s time to face facts. Val’s Day is over. Time to move on.
And for those left with a sense of disappointment I have some good news via our friends at Channel 9. For burgeoning new romance you can’t beat 9’s new season of THE FARMER WANTS A ROOT (I think that’s what it’s called. If it’s not, it should be).
As you’re one of the few genuine country girls at RN I’m hoping you can turn your SPECIALIST KNOWLEDGE onto a program that does for farmers what your collaboration with BS did for Christmas.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Dear The Man In Pink,
TFWA (subsidised) R – my all-time favourite show!
What I can tell you:
The farmers who aint good with words and feelins’ – and are NO oil paintings to boot – have the biggest bank balances and most pressing intimate needs.
The gals CAN’T win…….
February 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I would also like to thank Robyn Williams the comedian, Nattie and Salad for the excellent Darwin special on Saturday.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Herr O’Slatter,
When I click my fingers you will return to full consciousness. Eins, zwei, DREI,
No response?
Then we try the Cane.
One, two, THREE!
Aha!
Now we can talk…..
If you recall I did not not diagnose you as having Schadenfreude syndrome.
I said some might argue that way. I definitely do not.
It is very difficult because the patient provides so little personal detail.
In your case it is obvious that you are a talented, witty imaginative writer.
What does Shakespeare (he was actually German you know) say?
Something about the poet, lover and lunatic are by imagination compacted.
So, Herr O’Slatter, could you be suffering from Schreibenblocken?
Writer’s block is not uncommon among talented people such as yourself.
So, please tell us more.
As for the German lack of humour, well, that’s a joke.
Look at our cooking!
Here is another massively helpful list: most tasteful German recipes….
People travelling to Germany often think that German cuisine has no variety to offer.
But no!
Obviously, German cuisine has the same degree of sophistication as German humour.
So this is where our list of favorite German recipes comes in.
It will help you order the right dish in a German restaurant – and even do it in German!
1. Schweinskopf Komplett
The classic yet refined option. An experienced German chef will take a boiled pig head, put it on a large plate and lovingly garnish it with potatoes. Best enjoyed with a generous helping of beer, and famous all over Germany.
2. Schweinskopf á la Anglaise
Germany’s tribute to another famous cuisine nation in Europe. Your experienced German chef will take a boiled pig head, roll it into a newspaper, pour sliced potatoes on top and drown the arrangement in cheap vinegar. Best enjoyed while waiting for a train.
3. Schweinskopf Amerika
Germany’s classic dish with a New World twist. Your experienced German chef will take a boiled pig head, put it on a large bun and lovingly garnish it with potatoes. Supersize with an extra pig head. Best enjoyed with a generous helping of beer.
4. Schweinskopf Asiatisch
Decades of migration from the Far East have left their mark on the German cuisine. To spice up your life and add oriental flair, an experienced German chef will take a boiled pig head, put it on a large plate and lovingly garnish it with potatoes. Enjoyed with a glass of Sake.
5. Schweinskopf Hawaii
Surprising as it may be, this dish is not actually from Hawaii. Still, this favorite German lunch option adds a touch of tropical lightness to your menu. An experienced German chef will take a boiled pig head, put it on a large plate, and lovingly garnish it with potatoes and a piece of pineapple. Best enjoyed with a generous helping of beer.
Yet you claim wir nicht laffen, laffen, laffen?
As for Freud, when leaving Germany he was required to sign a form saying he left of his own free will and had not been badly treated. He wrote that he would without hesitation recommend the Gestapo to anyone.
February 17th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I wash Patient G.I.N.German (37.0C) and dog Breakfast.
I very modest.
Eyes avert.
No need HOT WATER AND PLENTY OF IT, Doctor Roaral.
Days of Lives on TV.
I like.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Marry Me,
The Ginger Man is awake.
Get over there girl.
Go! Go! GO!
February 17th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
The nickname soapie or sometimes soap is short for soap-dropper.
YAHS was (at the time, but no longer) an all-boys boarding school with (allegedly) communal showers, so I’ll leave it to you to join the dots.
Their return nickname for us was ‘cretins’.
Hello there again Roma Street – thank you for the clarification. For me, your correspondence marked a watershed: I found out I had been identified as a cretin. Gee, kids can be cruel!
February 17th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Professor Schwarzenheim, you are correct in your description of the Schadenfreude school of humour, and ‘Value’ Laden.
Here’s an example of our atrocious offerings:
Two Martinis, bitte.
Two Martinis, bitte.
Dry?
Nein, I said TWO!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel
Tick – Tock….
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, Tick -Tock over and over.
After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.
An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn’t even do.
The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying: Tick…Tick…Tick…
The German officer in charge went up to him and said: You thinks you iss so schmart! But I’m telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!
Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won’t have to go around being nice while they fix them.
Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Hello Roma Street, right on! You are not a peer. You must be much older.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Ex-L – my own guess would have been much younger, rather than much older, but perhaps you are a more penetrating psychological detective than me.
I don’t want to blow the whistle on myself but I will confess that when I left LHS, the principal was Mr Reynolds.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Hello, hello, hello the only thing I got for Valentine’s Day was a dose of cystitis.
Hey lonely scholar.. a bit of Barthes (Roland) to console you…
The heart is the organ of desire (the heart swells, weakens, etc., like the sexual organs), as it is held, enchanted, within the domain of the Image-repertoire. What will the world, what will the other do with my desire? That is the anxiety in which are gathered all the heart’s movements, all the heart’s problems.
Now to call the plumber. Last week he came to fix the cistern and forgot his tool.
Dear Greek and loving it – I was hoping for a bunch of chlymidia……no luck. KJ
February 18th, 2009 at 9:57 am
OK, my worst flirting experience (I think) but it’s hard to be sure…….
The scene: A Darlinghurst upstairs bar.
The target: A very attractive couple (always best to flirt with couples as you double your chances).
Surprise: After exiting the ladies’ room I passed them perched on stools at the bar and they kept smiling at me and whispering.
Reaction: I was chuffed and told my friend that I was in with a chance. I smiled back at the couple and did a little thing with my hand that could have been interpreted as a wave…..or not.
Action: I assembled my courage and rose ready for the approach.
Mortification: Looked down momentarily and noticed that toilet paper was stuck to the sole of my shoe……and was trailing intact like a giant bandage all the way across the room and back into the ladies’ toilet.
What can I say?
February 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Does anyone have a recipe for lamb and broad beans cooked in one pot?
February 18th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
There is nothing more YOU can say about this terrible episode. Tissue matter (of whatever type) stuck to or hanging off a person means only one thing:
HUMILIATION!
KJ
February 18th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Greek and loving it,
O Maid of Athens, O rival of the fair Helen, O Parnassian wonder! Hail.
These earthly traumas will come to pass.
Who else but you? O Hellenic mystery, who else but you could retain beauty and poise with a paper trail…..a white track trailing behind you like Aphrodite coming from Paphos.
If it makes you feel better once upon a time one of my bosses (a male) emerged from the office loo with twenty metres of paper anchored to the waistband of his undies.
The office remained silent and observant.
On Another Occasion, I had to share the rostrum with Betjeman and others at Chelsea (The Matchlight Poets).
We were followed by a man who had written his verse on a roll of toilet paper.
His reading went for ages.
I can only remember the opening line,
MARCIA! I’M DRUNK……..
We all kept getting tangled up in the reams of loo paper.
February 18th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Dear Lonely Scholar,
In the previous string you wrote:
(February 18th, 2009 at 9:30 am)
No sign of the Dean on V Day…..or any other day. I have tried the food hall, the forecourt and mobile cafe cart just to the west of the student green. Maybe the secret (it has to be that way) card/gift has been lost in the internal mail? My only hope is once teaching begins the Dean will ask for my advice on some readings for the library e-list. Oh, what have I done?
Lonely Scholar,
The heart is a lonely hunter.
Your problem is that you are not a book, preferably one of reference.
Otherwise the dean would look for you.
Could you obtain two large pieces of body-sized cardboard and make book covers for yourself?
Title? Something from M&B?
February 18th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
Sales of mulberry juice are going through the roof so much that I am sure soon we will have Three Cysters brand.
Men get cystitis, too, though rarely.
My doctor said, What have you been doing?
Well, nothing actually.
I mean NOTHING!
Diddley squat, zero, zilch…..
February 18th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Thank you so much The Geriatric Chick Magnet for thinking of me. Your post reminds me of a seminal sound work called Mind Body and Soul by the brilliant Gregory Whitehead. This one is for all book lovers and (wearers).
thirdcoastfestival.org/audio_library_2002.asp#whitehead
February 18th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Hi KJ Fans, The White Knuckle here.
At last a topic that is so unifying. I mean Humiliation.
I have spent three days cowering in my room with only rainwater collected from a downpipe.
It began when the gas water heater went on the blink.
All attempts to start the pilot light failed.
Click, click, click.
Zilch response.
I walked half a kilometre in the rain to the Greek Cathedral to obtain a long beeswax candle (I paid for it) and returned to light it and poke it into the heater with the water running.
The candle would not light. Had I offended St Eleutherios?
So I took the cover off.
Whoosh!
The heater went into action.
I rang my wife.
Am I not a good Mummy’s boy?
While replacing the cover my son did not screw it it enought and it fell on my head.
He laughed.
I swore – again and again.
The saintly candle lay there disapproving.
We put the cover back on.
I gave it a bit of a whack (what could be more Australian than that?) to put it in place.
Then whammmo!!!!
Geysers of water illuminated by flames gave a Parisian effect.
I did finally find the main water faucet under piles of vegetation to turn it off.
The plumber came.
He took one look at the place and said: I CAN’T WORK HERE!
He drove off.
Since then, I have stayed in my room without tea or food.
I know what it means to be Elizabethan.
Phew!!!!!! That plus eau de cologne is a dreadful mix.
Second plumber came. My wife attended to him.
I throught the bugger had gone, but when I came downstairs he popped his head round the door and said: G’DAY!
I was not in the mood for more Humiliation.
I am off to the shower……….
February 18th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
The Conversation Hour?
Bah! What the ABC needs is Humiliation Hour.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Patient G.I.N. German (37.0C) awake.
He sing to me, Mu Mu. Thy tiny hand is Gelato.
Phone ring, ring, ring.
Woman Marry Me calling.
Say want talk The Ginger Man…..
I say Try Do.
I confused.
I HUMILATIONING!
February 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Patient G.I.N. German (37.0C) say: I in comma!
I say to caller:
I Try Do…..
NO CAN DO!
She confused.
She HUMILATIONING !
February 18th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Greek and loving it,
1 kilo of lamb
1 pkt beans
2 kilos ROSEMARY
Boil in pot.
A meal to REMEMBER.
February 19th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Greek and loving it…..
And make sure that pot is NON-STICK.
I’ve heard that kitchen purists thumb their noses at anything non-stick….
Pathetic……KJ
February 22nd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
The Dude…….
I DID take your advice……..rushed to the hospital only to find that a dragnet had been thrown around The Ginger Man. Nurse Try Do met me at the cordon: You are a real pist!
Then a nice security man came and escorted me to the carpark.
Just to let you know Nurse Try Do, I have just made enquiries about vacancies for wardsmen…….
You seem like a real darling The Dude.
February 22nd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Marry Me,
Hey, Good Lookin’
Watcha got cookin’ ?
Howsa bout cookin’
Somethin’ up with me?
February 22nd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I hear sounds of violence.
On guard, Breakfast!
Good boy!
Try do?
Good boy?
Go boy, go boy!!! Get clothes,
Go boy.