Email to:Behind The Door When God Handed Out The Sex Gift?
TODAY I WILL WRITE…..
(AND THEN WE WILL ALL) TALK OPENLY ABOUT SEX……
As the late, great newspaperman, Peter Cullen, told me on my very first day in journalism (1980, The Illawarra Mercury): People GO MAD for yarns about animals, kids and sex…..but NOT in the same story KJ, hopefully NOT in the same story……….
So SEX it is Pete, sex it is!
And what’s your angle KJ?
Well Pete, it’s that those millions of ’how to’ sex books and public ravings from self-proclaimed sexologists, are worth diddly squat. For sexual prowess, like IQ or obesity tendencies (sorry Pete, gigggle, giggle, giggle) cannot be taught. YOU EITHER HAVE THE SEX GIFT…. ….OR YOU DO NOT!!!!
Gun Yarn KJ, Gun Yarn! But will it fly?
Course it’ll fly Pete. NEANDERTHAL men didn’t have sex manuals or Bettina Arndt. But, in Neanderthal circles, it was well-known who was HOT….and who was NOT!!! Gals talk ya know, gals talk……
Hot! Cr: Robert Rizzato:flickr
I like it KJ, I like it! And blokes with hairy backs got a fair deal back then…….?
Yes Pete, they did! It didn’t matter who your folks were - or even whether you were dating an up-themselves Cro-Magnan - if you were gifted at sex, you had STATUS….
And by gifted KJ, you don’t mean you enjoyed dressing up in Luftwaffe uniforms or (Gawd forbid) Huggies?
No Pete: Neanderthals blessed with the sex gift just (fearlessly) got down to their glorious business. If someone yelled MAMMOTH!, they simply kept going. They did pay attention to basics like backdrafts and windshear …but don’t we all Pete, don’t we all……?
That we do KJ, that we do! And do Neanderthals have anything to teach the men of today?
Like I said Pete, like I said…..you either have the gift of sexual prowess or you don’t. Those who have it KNOW who they are. Those who DON’T, DON’T. God is merciful….
That he is KJ, that he is……I’ll get the pics organised…..
*******************************************************************************
So……does the ’sex as gift’ thesis THRILL or HORRIFY? Do you wish you were a Neanderthal man? Why is it okay for a banker to send people broke…BUT if he was behind the door when God handed out sex gifts…..it’s an unmitigated disaster? Do you find sex talk of any kind vulgar/unseemly/nerve-racking? Anything else you’d like to say….perhaps you just have the urge to report in….
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
March 9th, 2009 at 11:30 am
It’s true!
I’ve got a Post Grad, Mphil, Phd, ECR and a Post Doc fellowship but no-one is putting their hand up my pants loooking for a library card!
March 9th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Dear Lonely Scholar,
You – of all people – NOT to attribute – your gag!
(Miss Rivers?)
In the meantime…….
It’s true!
I’m a well-qualified, highly experienced journalist but I’m NOT putting my hand up anyone’s pants looking for a microphone!
March 9th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
ON LOCATION
Looking out of the door of our Film Production trailer I said to The Ginger Man:
It’s marvellous, bloody marvellous, but also bloody dusty.
TGM replied as he poured another libation:
They grow rice here – it is the Rice Bowl. They have a Rice Bowl Princess.
I said:
That’s it, RICE BOWL SEX GODDESS! – working title, old boy. We could fly in Boner of U2.
TGM had his look out the door and said:
They might have trouble growing it, but they’d have NO trouble DRYING it.
(TGM is right. It is like the surface of the Moon, or the Kalahari Desert.
Any moment Omar is going to come over the horizon on a camel. It’s Lawrence again! Why did I give away my Arab clobber?)
TGM said:
It is an IRRIGATION AREA WITHOUT WATER.
I said:
Marvellous, simply bloody marvellous. Must be lots of gifted sex here – there’s nothing else to do but watch the cars go by: Ford, Holden, Ford, Holden, Ford, Holden.
This is a site for a challenging movie:
DESIRE IN THE DUST.
TGM said:
Some of the children of the sexual union are probably called Holden or Ford.
I said:
Not like where I am from….all of the children are called Morris Major and Morris Minor.
TGM said:
We have a picture theatre, boredom, lust, occasional violence, and No Water – what else do we need?
I said:
No Film.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Mr O’Toole,
To clarify:
The rice farmers in Leeton DO have the most sex.
It is heavily subsidised.
KJ
March 9th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Yes sorry…..apols Ms Rivers, thought I had my endnote programme running.
Lonely Scholar – do not worry. NO ONE has the monopoly on mistakes in this site! I SAW Miss Rivers at the Enmore Theatre in Sydney, last Friday night. She was chasing her prolapsed ‘privates’ all over the stage. Hard work under shockin’ conditions….KJ
March 9th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Anybody OUT of the trailer yet?
Only Breakfast – with a tattered Film Australia form headed Your Project: Your Progress? in his mouth. KJ
March 9th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
It was some years ago…..a family had a child much younger than the rest of his siblings. His Christian names? Ford Falcon. A gift behind all four doors……
Roll marking was a highlight of the day. COME DOWN IMMEDIATELY!
TGM – How did Breakfast get his name?
March 9th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
They say in some places I took your flower
The truth is you took my soul
You took me to a sacred place
The night you took this gypsy boy
The time you took me home.
Bravo! Thanks to our poet-in-residence, TBL. KJ
March 9th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Now I am shot and wounded
I keep your flower in a vase
Just in case you call again
To take this gypsy boy home.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Esteemed KJ,
Long have I been wandering the whale-road and absent from sphere of blog.
On my return, my heart is light from following in the paths of my forefathers and reciting Saga of Burnt Njal and Battle of Maldon while lashed to mast of my solitary ship.
All the more keenly am I pierced with sadness at plight of Lonely Scholar.
Lonely One, I implore you – meet me in Epistemology section of library and I shall dedicate all that lies beneath my tunic to your service.
PS Photo in post – he with battle-club raised – very good likeness of my cousin Sigur Sigursson…
Greetings Mr ragnar hairy-breeks – we are all relieved to hear from you! I feared you had been kidnapped by those marauding Greenpeace pirates…
Now…..regular visitors would know (because I’ve had say it on more than one occasion) This is NOT a dating site. The rule is: The only person allowed to pick up in here is ME……
HOWEVER, I have decided – on the grounds of mutual hardship – that you and our dear Lonely Scholar – deserve an exemption.
…….I would be very surprised indeed if you were behind the ice floe when Freyr was handing out his special gifts!
Over to you, Dear Lonely Scholar…..KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 2:22 am
Dear Meg,
Breakfast escaped being the first meal of the day for the Try Do family, hence his name.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Mornin’ everybody…..
To let you know, I was in bed last night writhing around……with Miss Arndt’s latest treatise, ‘The Sex Diaries’.
Challenging stuff!
Here’s the thingo:
Millions of Australian men in long-term liasions are confused, tortured (and barely able to lift garbage tins) because – formerly insatiable women – have gone RIGHT OFF any activities of an in-ti-mate nature…
Miss Arndt KNOWS because all sorts of people – young, codgers, infirm, indolent, extreme sports freaks – kept BEDROOM DIARIES.
And they make for pathetic tableaux, along the lines of:
I pinched Maggie’s bum last night. She winced, she yelled….and turned away…. OR…..
Warren came into the bedroom dressed (as usual) in his Viking costume. For God’s sake, the man’s a florist, the man’s a florist…….
So, CONFIRMATION: It is woeful, it is downright TRAGIC for fellas (gifted or not) battling on the Australian long-term liasion ‘cot front’.
I am thrilled NOT to be part of the problem……KJ
Stop press:
I’ve just been into Miss Arndt’s site. There’s some great news – and I quote……
You can volunteer for her latest research project – exploring that intriguing triangle between a man, his penis and his partner.
To sign up…..
http://www.bettinaarndt.com.au/
******You should also have a look at a post written on this site by a special correspondent some months ago. This man was NOT keeping a sex diary. Instead, he was taking action, making plans…..to reclaim his in-ti-mate life…..
Conjugal Rights Back On Agenda: Guest Essayist:
http://www.kerriejean.com.au/2008/09/conjugal-rights-back-on-agenda-guest-essayist/
March 10th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Just a second out of the emote-space, KJ. Wasn’t Margaret Atwood good?
I wish ’straya had public intellectuals as good as her.
The ones we’ve got are rubbish e.g Clive Hamilton.
Ginge, you are quite correct. They are not going to allow you to have any film. No sirree, not in that institution. There are many puns you can make on stunt, and I enjoy a good stunt as much as any man.
Hello Mr O’Slatter,
Now, now now……Mr Hamilton has many fans though I must admit (as an out-of control consumer of anti-wrinkle anything) I found AFFLUENZA a little hard to take!
You must have felt privileged when The Ginger Man invited you to be stuntman on THE film.
The thing is Mr O’Slatter – there are NO institutional impediments to the making of a movie.
From where I sit?
The only impediment is that we have two movers and shakers yet to emerge from the ON LOCATION trailer. KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Stuntman O’Slatter,
We are standing limply at attention, awaiting your arrival ON LOCATION.
We need your cunning.
TGM
You are ALL very naughty boys……very, very NAUGHTY!!! If I find you smoking behind the toilets……..KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Ginge, you and Mr O’Toole need extreme management skills or perhaps a re-O’Tooling.
Ms Arndt would be the go, with her analytical stunts, video (no need for film) and clipboard..
March 10th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Dear KJ
Never worked for Peter Cullen,
but long, long ago
in another land….
I too worked on a local organ.
Different to Mr C’s credo: This paper had absolutely NO sex.
Instead, we had WEDDING REPORTS.
These were small news reports based on forms filled in by readers re upcoming nuptials.
After lunch on Friday afternoons, the sight of a pile of ‘Weddings’
on your desk was enough to drive a man straight back to The Bird in Hand to sink another nine or 10 pints of Theakston’s Old Peculiar.
WEDDING REPORTS were dangerously boring, particularly for an organ that prided itself on accuracy.
By the 6th or 7th report – with the mind wandering – there was a risk of you marrying the bride off to Uncle George.
And once, there was an incident which resulted in a major style change on the paper. As often is the case, it came down to something very simple – one missing letter in one word.
The report should have said:
THE BRIDE WAS PRESENTED WITH A BEAUTIFUL ELECTRIC CLOCK.
But an ‘L’ went missing.
Memo from Newsdesk: In future – in all wedding reports – clocks will be referred to as ‘timepieces’.
……MEANWHILE (as I’ve argued before) if you want a really steamy, raunchy show you can’t beat Ch 9’s THE FARMER WANTS A ROOT.
This is highly sophisticated programming.
Sex is not mentioned but burning, burning, burning just below the surface.
Nine understands that it’s all about what’s NOT said.
Unlike SBS TV – where you know that if you switch on after 10pm – likely as not you’ll find a bunch of naked Koreans at it in a way that apparently never happens in B. Arndt’s surveys.
As the Gt Rex Mossop said all those years ago when confronting nude sunbathers on a Sydney Beach: Do I really want people’s genitalia thrust in my face?
I’ve always wondered about Rex.
March 10th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Dear The Man in Grey,
I think I can safely speak on behalf of all of us when I say that more reports – of the joys and challenges of working on your local organ – would be greatly appreciated. Terrific, simply bloody terrific!
……One day, the subs at the Illawarra Mercury also made a terrible error.
The story was about a visiting Countess to the Illawarra.
The Headline should have been: COUNTESS VISITS.
This time, it was an ‘O’ that went missing.
No memos. Just a big spike in that edition’s sales.
* Am very disappointed – no local chaps have turned up on THE FARMER WANTS A ROOT. But, the Riverina does get a look-in with a broad acre man working his charms out of Tarcutta, near Wagga.
Says farmer Paul: I’m not afraid of showing affection in public…..
March 10th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Met large woman in the Tavern of Tears.
Waddaya say?
Did I see you on The Biggest Loser?
OR
You are a woman of remark’ble proportions……
GCM….gifted, VERY gifted…..KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Spider-man has arrived in Leeton in full costume.
But he was arrested after climbing a (Walter Burley Griffin designed) water tower.
Policeman: Come down right now. Come down at once. Come down immediately!
Spidie: That’s NOT in the script. Where’s Meg?
(Any news from Roma Street – has she accepted the role of historical consultant on THE PROJECT?)
ON LOCATION
TGM
Lights, camera, BUGGER ALL! KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Things for Spidie to CLIMB UP in Leeton:
One (1) flagpole: Council Chambers, Chelmsford Place.
One (1) facade, Roxy Theatre, Pine Avenue.
One (1) scoreboard, Number 2 Oval, Palm Avenue.
* THERE ARE NO NATURAL FEATURES SUITABLE FOR CLIMBING.
Things for Spidie to LAND ON in Leeton.
One (1) town and surrounds.
PERHAPS SPIDER-MAN CANNOT WORK HERE!!!!
March 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
New working titles:
SPIDER-MAN MOONWALKS AT LEETON
or
TALES OF SILENCE
or
THE SECRET OF THE MYSTERIOUS EMPTINESS
or
NOT MUCH HAPPENING: WISH YOU WERE HERE
or
WALTER BURLEY GRIFFIN:
PLANNING SOMETHING FROM NOTHING
or
GUNFIGHT AT THE OKAY CAROL MILKBAR
or
IMAGINING YOUR OWN PERSONAL MOVIE AT THE ROXY
YOU ARE THE STAR AND THE DIRECTOR…..
or
THE BIG SILENCE: THE TOWN THAT REFUSED TO CHANGE
The Ginger Man – I must say……I thought you were different….
I thought you would come to love Leeton as I do. Instead, cheap shots, cheap liquor, cheap trailer….CHEAP, CHEAP, CHEAP!!!!!
How about YOU try a-changing? We are sick to death of people making pronouncements on our town from the safety of MOBILE homes….KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
SPIDER-MAN:
I CANNOT work here!
POLICEMAN:
COME DOWN AT ONCE……
SPIDER MAN:
WHAT COMES DOWN MUST GO UP……
WHERE CAN I GO UP AGAIN? OR IS THERE A WELL I CAN GO DOWN ?
March 10th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
KJ,
THESE ARE ONLY WORKING TITLES.
How about?
LIVING LEARNING AND LOVING IN A BLOODY BIG EMPTY SPACE…
March 10th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
We remember the imagined Leeton when we glued raisins and things in our school books – then you put those pictures up and KILLED A BOY’S DREAMS.
There is bugger all there!
Oh yeah, Oh yeah…..WE spent days gluing big, heavy bits of ore onto Iron Knob….KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Does Leeton have a sex shop?
No, but it has four GIFT shops. KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
TO THRILL A COCKING BIRD
A small town lawyer fights to defend a man accused of killing a randy rooster that is running amok among his hens.
Featuring Paul Kelly’s song:
Who broke the lock on the henhouse door?
March 10th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Welcome back Spidie.
Meg’s at her desk. She’s a little weary.
A self-taught pilot – red hair, freckles and a cheeky grin got the better of her today.
Put all those rubbers away. You don’t need fifty rubbers on your desk.
Bluey: There’s not fifty, there’s only thirty. No actually there may be thirty-five.
A count proved Bluey was correct.
Then Meg made a mistake…..
You have to read the question carefully. Don’t guess, don’t just think you know it, work it out on paper….
Ms Meg look out for the fans!
I’m getting frantic about spending every cent of Kevin’s Building the Education Revolution.
Perhaps a caravan park could be erected on the school oval for when TGM, PO’T and Spidie have finished in Leeton.
Employment for the locals and positive role models for students. They could have side jobs as OH&S police.
Plenty of paperwork to keep them INSIDE the trailer and gainfully employed. YES Spidie, I’m a little tired.
March 10th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Dear Megsy,
You are very tired but you still make time to report in. We are all very touched.
It’s great to hear from someone deep in the throes of juggling Rev Kev’s Highly Stimulatin’ Package.
I would counsel strongly against using funds for a:
School-caravan-park-annex-EVEN-with-anti-melanoma-sail-cloth.
…..TGM WILL turn up – and proceed to put s….. on everything you hold dear.
BUT, I shouldn’t be saying this, I really shouldn’t. I’m not being fair – YOU BEING ONE OF TGM’s GREATEST FANS. KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Ah……dear mr hairy-breeks,
Thank you for your kind email inviting me to the Library (a place I know too well….HA HA!).
Unfortunately, my post grad students are giving me heaps of trouble (a phrase that I would be delighted to explain to you at a less frantic time).
I would not like you to think that this has anything to do with you being foreign.
In fact, I was on sabbatical in your part of the world this time last year. It was fascinating. However, I will regretfully have to say no as I am very, very busy.
I am also teaching with the Dean this semester and have heaps of Foucault to read…….(can you believe that crazy old queer… is still on the reading list?)
March 10th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Lonely Scholar,
Have I got this right?
You are SINGLE?
You are LONELY?
You are NO spring chicken?
And….you are just TOO busy to meet this site’s Mr Exotica, ragnar hairy-breeks.
SOMETIMES, I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT MAKES SOME PEOPLE TICK! KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Dear mr hairy-breeks,
When a Scholar has Foucalt to offer
She’s not like the Aussie Nicole
Who’d adore some postmodern droll
From Michel’s college of madness
Right next to the hairdressers’ Ecole…
Instead, she has Foucault to offer…
Even if you shaved right up to your cheeks
You’re just a poor little stem cell
From your nose all the way down to your breeks.
So remember normative values
And how Ophelia took a dip in the creek
You’re in postmodern Australia
Which does not belong to the meek.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Meg,
Things are hotting up here. Hotter than the can can.
Will be in touch. Must fly.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
KJ. Cullen would also have told you to check your facts!
Single? Well yes .. Lonely? Oh…..OK.
No spring chicken? WRONG.
It was only yesterday a fellow cyclist (who had been stuck behind me on a narrow and dangerous uphill stretch for some time) rang his bell to overtake: The best view I’ve had since Wollongong! he threw back.
I was NOT behind the flap in the tent when the sex gift was gifted.
In fact I am OVER gifted in that area and it causes me regret to ring my bell like this but freedom of speech and opinion is very important to us knowledge makers.
And we must take responsibility for the defence of truth – even if it makes us sound a bit up ourselves. As the saying goes: The Political IS Personalities!
Now back to guiding the youth of Australia…….
Trust me Lonely Scholar, trust me sweetheart….I AM a great believer in academic freedom – as long as it’s in the hands of the responsible…..
…..AND when I was in Leeton over Xmas I was cycling along scenic Corbie Hill Road – a ute passed. Best view I’ve had since the Sewage Works!... the driver threw back. KJ
March 10th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Ralph Blur joins us now…..with live coverage of a dangerous situation in Leeton, New South Wales.
Leeton, once the canning capital of Australia, is on the move, and with an angry mood in the hearts of its citizens.
The plains are filled with people – armed with sticks, kitchen knifes, can openers, spades and forks, tar and feathers – heading towards a trailer at the end of town.
The hotels are empty as the throng gathers for an angry demonstration by The Town-That-Feels-Insulted.
Leeton is angry because it has been depicted as a place of emptiness, a kind of Last Picture Show dead-end.
Woman: Run ‘em out of town!
Man: They must be punished!
Businessman: They owe us thousands!
Blur (to camera): The perpetrators are two film makers, Mr The Ginger Man, or ‘German’ and faded film star Peter O’Toole, who are ON LOCATION in their Trailer.
(Shot of Trailer)
Crowd: Come on out. Come down here at once!
(Shots of crowd shaking Trailer)
(Shot of door opening)
The trailer is bare apart from empty spirit bottles.
(Closeup of figure emerging from behind bunk and standing in doorway)
It is the mayor, Mr Civic Father.
He has his hands clasped before him, looking heavenward.
He has a tea towel on his head.
Crowd: Mr Civic Father, Mr Civic Father!!!
Mr Civic Father: It is I, Mother Teresa, come among you good folk of Leeton to talk to you about the poor of Calcutta. Open your hearts and wallets, and take out your credit cards. Yea, today there will be much rejoicing and giving in the Rice Capital.
(Long shot of convoy of Sunwhite Rice trucks passing along highway)
In the last truck, there can be seen a dog’s nose peeping over a rice bag, and partly hidden two men, one wearing a green scarf.
Crowd: After them! After them!
Mr Civic Father: Open your hearts to Mother Tesesa, and to God! Credit cards accepted.
Ralph Blur for Channel Ten News.
March 11th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Leeton Highway Patrol picked up the following message written on Arts Council Application Form and wrapped around a stone on the side of highway:
FAREWELL AND FORGIVE.
We have sent it to Forensic.
The use of our limited resources in interviewing people complaining of Fraud and Destruction of Public Buildings has seriously interfered with planning of our reunion of former Leeton police.
The function also clashes with another celebration, to be held by the LET NGO GO! Organization and also NEDDY SMITH:THE OPERA, to be staged by Leeton Amateur Musical Society.
Pleased be assured that Public Order is being restored to our lovely town.
March 11th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Esteemed KJ,
This Mr Lebowski – you have seen him? On what grounds he call himself big?
In land of my forefathers, a man may not place an adjective before his name until he has parted the waters of the whale-road with his prow and burnt the mead-halls of the English for three successive summers.
Only then may he name himself ‘big’ or ‘hairy’.
This Mr Lebowski may have very large rhyming dictionary but his knowledge of Norsemen very small.
Every summer our women drive us out of the sleeping-chamber saying:
Go forth! Hew and skewer, burn and pillage, beneath our tunics you shall not place your hands or any other part of your anatomy until you return with treasure!
Never fear, Esteemed KJ, Lonely Scholar is one such proud woman but a true Norseman does not flinch so easily from questing for his heart’s desire!
March 11th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Mercy Mr ragnar hairy-breeks, MERCY! If ever I wished I had been born into a different culture, IT IS NOW…..
Here, we just drive our men out of our bedrooms saying: And we’ll talk about who gets the Commodore LATER….
Good luck with your burning and pillaging….and hewing and skewering….
Just give me a sec…..while I turn on the desk fan……
KJ
March 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Meg is sitting at her desk. She is smiling. She has exhausted all possible projects for schools under Rev Kev’s Highly Stimulatin’ package.
Her little school suddenly has the student population of a university.
She is certain all applications will be successful.
Bluey gave her many reasons to chuckle during the day. She did not make a mistake in any tests.
Meg is smiling even more. She has received a personal note from SPIDIE.
Meg is certain he was not behind the door when God handed out that special gift.
Dear Megsy – Here’s to you getting more than a fair share of Rev Kev’s Highly Stimulatin’ package. What did you make of TGM’s controversial exit from ON LEETON LOCATION? I’ve been cross with him lately. But now he’s gone, I’m already missing him and Breakfast. But he’ll turn up again……I know he bloody well will!!! One day I’m gunna haul TGM back to Leeton. He WILL do a lecture at the Roxy Theatre titled: THE IRRIGATION DREAMERS: I’M GLAD THEY DID. KJ
March 12th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Dear Lonely Scholar,
KJ reeks of conservatism.
All she does is say NO.
I would be more than happy to stick my hand up your panties looking for a library card…. or anything else.
Then you can delete LONELY from your name.
Fanny
Hello Fanny – if working day and night to filter out the filth on this site makes me a conservative, then so be it! KJ
March 12th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Happier topic!
Dear The Ginger Man,
Rest assured Ginger, I have a healthy sex drive and promise to put out the garbage.
Beware Ginge, Meg is a strategist – stooping to the lowest of levels to usurp me in my bid to become closer to you.
She asks information of the personal type. ‘Tis none of her business re the genesis of Brekkie’s name.
Marry Me.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am
On the Road (away from ON LOCATION)
Two paladins and dog, we Three.
Who would have thought we would develop Rice Allergy?
When Brekkie sneezes it is like being sprayed with rice shotgun pellets.
We had another title, but the Bard has beaten us to it:
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING.
Kerchoooooooooo!
March 12th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Dear Marry Me,
I must confess I have never learned to wash up as I have had to be on the move.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Dear Meg,
Do you have any RICE recipes ?
March 12th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Dear Fanny,
Can we turn the discussion on underclothing to underpants, such as Henry Lawson’s Missing Underpants?
Where are they? Could they be off the highway?
HL’s historic jocks?
March 12th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Ragnar was a terror
In his Saga lots of shrieks
A big man in his underdaks
Like an Esau in his breeks.
Upon his head he wore eight horns
Captured from four dragons
Ragnar burned ten monasteries
Then polished off eight flagons.
O Ragnar! O Ragnar! Ragnar!
The tyrant of seven seas.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I have never been good at farewells, so it was at Sydney International Airport very difficult to say Slán to Lawrence of Leeton.
Slá go fóill, goodbye till we meet again, I said to the best blue eyes ever to grace the screen and that includes Newman.
The rest of him might look a bit buggered, but he is forever Lawrence.
Go raibh maith agat! Thank you, said I.
It’s been marvellous, simply bloody marvellous said Peter O’Toole.
Let’s do it again, next time with Film!
Brekkie gave him a multitude of licks, then sneezed and covered him with rice pellets.
I handed P. O’T a large brown package as a farewell gift.
What’s this?
He looked at the piles of crisp hundred dollar bills inside.
It was Kevin Rudd’s Highly Stimulatin’ Film Package.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
…..Coming back to the subject of this thread, do you really think, KJ , that a bloke would fess up to ‘failings’ i.e dud root? (Bit o’ editing there Mr O’Slatter)
It would be death to his relationship – not because his partner is all that interested in it (she isn’t) – but because it’s a sign of weakness.
And Ginge, Chandon pictures awaits your call.
Hello Mr O’Slatter,
And….I’m thinking of changing this site to The Australian Dud Rooters And Proud Of It Forum…..I’m going to see RN management about my plans, this morning.
Professor Schwarzenheim, where are you?
March 13th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Dear Fanny,
Thank you for your friendly reply and offer to stick your hand up my p…..
However, my purpose here is not to satisfy my own corporeal demands but to remain in my role as an acute observer and complete my research on bloggers and their habitus in a public intellectual environment, and the clock is ticking.
Could everyone please answer this short survey…. and rest assured if my library card does go missing I’ll be in touch.
1. What are you doing here?
a. Avoiding legitimate paid work
b. Flirting in a mature and mediated environment
c. Keeping the kids off your computer
2. How bald are you?
a. Not bald
b. Patchy like a diseased lawn
c. None of your business
3. Is your online gender?
a. What you would like to be
b. What you should have been
c. A combination of the above
I thank you in advance for taking the time to fill in this simple questionnaire and look forward to your replies.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Lonely Scholar you are a sicko and I mean that in the nicest way possible…..
I will get back to you on the questionnaire but in the meantime…..TERRIFIC news that Christos Tsiolkas has won a big literary award for his book on Greek family life.
About time that someone told the story of the closeness of our community – the unique and inclusive way us Greeks demonstrate affection for family members.
But have any of you read his next to last book Dead Europe? A tale of a gay drug taker who goes on a backpacking sex tour of Europe and hangs out with a load of pedophiles and ex nazis and then becomes a vampire gorging on menstrual blood?
My husband and I loved it but wonder….did Qantas really know what they were doing when they plugged Tsioklas and Dead Europe in its latest inflight magazine?
Does Qantas think they will attract a new breed of Aussie tourists by endorsing this traveller’s tale or is it just confirmation that PR people don’t read literary fiction?
Anyway give it a go!
March 13th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Herr Bill O”Slatter.
Again you have forgotten to put the umlaut in your name.
It must be stress – perhaps sexually driven – that has caused this oversight.
I refer you and other anxious men to the famous statement by Professor Von Ruten of Baden who declared:
.
Schlechtes Geschlecht kommt von der schlechten Kommunikation. Weiter wird Penisneid durch Öffnungsneid zusammengebracht. Männer, die ständig von der sexuellen Leistung sprechen, zeigen Unsicherheit an.
Bad sex comes from bad communication.
Further, penis envy is matched by orifice envy.
Men who talk constantly of sexual performance are indicating insecurity.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Lonely Scholar,
Your survey needs to be reinforced by some overseas telephone calls:
Good afternoon. How are you today?
We are offering you six months hair restoration plus academic tutoring at an institution of higher learning.
Are you single or divorced or contemplating suicide?
Do you have a mortgage?
Are you worried about loss of hair or libido?
March 13th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Greek and loving it,
A scary post.
All I know is if you go swimming at a certain time you will certainly die.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Greek and loving it,
Can anyone here say:
I have a bit of Greek in me?
March 13th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Heimie, you are a person to whom reductio ad absurdum means nothing. Square peg meet round hole.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
The Dude. God damn right!!
March 13th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Me me me me me me me me………
March 13th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
No rice recipes TGM. Take good care of Breakfast.
Try this Megsy: Take twelve Sunwhite rice cakes. Take twelve processed cheese slices and place on top of rice cakes.
Wow factor: Add salt. KJ
March 13th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Herr O’Slatter,
With respect – on freezing nights in the Alps – my male learners on camping missions and swimming in icy lakes are very well aware of Reductio ad Absurdum.
Fear not, all returns to normal with hot shower.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Lonely Scholar – how dare Greek and loving it call you ’sicko’!
Some time ago, I let her know that she is the PERVERT.
She deflects from her real pathology by carrying on about Greek literature………..
March 13th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
My dear friend The Ginger Man,
If you leave me you can I come too?
I could over come the NEVER HAVING WASHED UP thing – BUT I would be honoured to do the dishes and more.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Lonely Scholar,
I say this to you: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
Greetings Fabio – we don’t know what you’re doing in here yet…but everyone is is looking forward to finding out. Welcome! KJ
March 14th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
KJ,
Thank you for your kind welcome to this party. Usually getting chucked out of party!
I come here because Emmanuel, while we were out at his buck’s night, say to me: There’s a lady on the computer who likes tall men with long hair. She has her picture on the screen with someone called Big Stretchy.
Emmanuel is divorce, cos his wife caught him on your funky blog.
He say these words to you: Hello.
March 14th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Fabio,
Marvellous, marvellous, simply bloody marvellous! This is the place for you.
Ever considered a film career?
Have many plans, and you are likely to be centre stage.
March 14th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Dear Marry Me,
You sound very moreish – even more and more than beforehand – but what are the social mores?
What’s a more?
When the moon hits your eye like a bigga pizza pie…..
That’s amore.
March 14th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Thank you much The Ginger Man.
Do you in Australia have a film role for a Donkey? You know what Fabio mean cos I think YOU man of world.
Fabio always want to be star.
March 14th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
URGENT MESSAGE FROM KJ:
I throw up my hands! I throw away the ABC Moderators’ Guidelines Handbook!
How can I stand against the tsunami of passion that has become this thread?
I throw away my sandbag! I throw off my cardigan! I run along my street, hair flowing…..with my hands cupping the dreams of a clutch of incurable romantics who’ve stumbled home……
Who am I not to offer succour?
Welcome!
For I am your irresponsible server of services to the public…..
March 14th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Fabio,
Marvellous, simply bloody marvellous Mr Donkey!
But we are not shooting in Cairo.
Please moderate and – using Stanislavski method – think of long, hot road leading into Jerusalem, cheering crowds waving palm branches.
Put up a picture of Charlon Heston in your study.
Think Forty Thousand Horsemen in sands near Cronulla.
Think of a suitably lightweight tropical Donkey suit.
Think large ears, not large donger.
Think hundreds of sweating extras from Auburn and Lidcombe who might eat you if you are not kept under surveillance.
That should calm you down for the audition.
March 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I take the Sunwhite rice cakes.
I add the cheese slices.
I eat.
Delicious!
I’ll never cook again.
Thank you.
Culinary KJ!
You have saved the day.
March 14th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
The Dude,
Thank you for bringing this to public attention.
I have enough rice cakes to feed forty thousand extras.
March 14th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
EXTRA WOW FACTOR – grate the cheese.
(I understand that the Sunwhite Rice Cake R&D labs are now situated on the old Leeton Cannery site. Haven’t been inside – security very tight.
Nothing to indicate what is happening there)
March 14th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Dear Lonely Scholar, Meg, Fanny, Marry Me,
Greek and loving it, Roma Street, Bill O’Slatter, the Man in Grey, The Big Lebowski, The Dude, Ex-Leetonite, Geriatric Chick Magnet and all friends, new (ragnar hairy- breeks, Fabio!) and old.
The time has come for The Ginger Man to say sorry that we did not meet in the Highly Stimulatin’ film production trailer On Location.
It is also an occasion to explain something.
My life has been – and always will be – one of Auspicious Beginnings.
That’s all.
If Optimism is a sin – then, like Americans say: You got me, hand in the cookie jar.
Auspicious Beginnings….just like the Trinity Scarf, freshly cleaned.
They have been and always will be, an adventure, and people like you make them happen. You are all part of the venture, human venture capital, and for that I thank you, and Breakfast thanks you too.
He’s waggin’, yes, he’s waggin’.
Spidie also. He’s climbin’, yes, he’s climbin’.
So, here’s to the next Auspicious Beginning.
Slá go fóill….. goodbye till we meet again.
The Ginger Man,
On the Road Again.
March 15th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Godspeed, The Ginger Man, Godspeed……….
In the meantime, don’t get TOO SEN-NA-MEN-AL!
I was in The Henry Lawson Bistro at the Leeton Wade Hotel last night (prawn cutlets darn fine, mighty fine)
BUT, there was a table of Mr Civic Fathers right next to mine. They were talking about you. Most of the words started with P including POSSE.
March 15th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Mr The Ginger Bread Man,
You have much good ideas. No maaate, I don’t wanna shoot anything in Cairo.
I never met Mister Stanislavski but he was hot stuff just like Fabio?
How you know I study? Yes, I have tutor. You should see her.
Marvellous, simply bloody marvellous! (I copy these words from you).
She say these words to me: Fabio, one day you will leave the factory in Homebush but only if you concentrate on lesson. I think that means she love me.
Tutor say she will explain rest of your kindness another day.
Yes, I looking for audition. Thank you, thank you.
Fabio.
March 15th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Fabio,
Mille Grazie – which could mean Milly Grazed Here a Thousand Times -
and Go raibh maith agat, which just means thanks in Irish.
You are part of an explosion of talent here that is turning a world of honor killings into a world of Honor Lovings.
I am more excited than Rev Kev about your arrival here.
Forget about Cairo, forget about Donkey suits, forget about dongers: think about Romance.
La Vita Homebush: Latin Love beside a Mosque.
Not since Victor Mature and Tab Hunter have I seen such promise.
A draft plot or short script would be most welcome.
Now, with change from the Film Stimulatin’ Package (Highly) I am off to Canberra, in the Green, in the Green.
Slá go fóill,
TGM
March 15th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
KJ,
What is happening in there, please?
Sounds like Bletchley Park Rice.
Hello The Dude – There are men in whitecoats undertaking highly sensitive rice VALUE-ADDING activities. Everyone in Leeton accepts that they’ll never get to see the inside of the high-security Sunwhite Rice R&D facilities. We greatly admire the men in there.
March 15th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Ragnar hairy-breeks,
Is it possible for you to sail a boat on Lake Burley Griffin?
March 15th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
The Secret Top Security Sunwhite Rice Cake R&D labs – now on the old Leeton Cannery site – may be developing Weapons of Mass Nutrition.
Hello Everyone – I shouldn’t be telling you this BUT the the word around town is that those boys in whitecoats may be working on the next BIG thing: rice that doesn’t taste like rice……KJ