Fun With The Sisterhood
Up and at it early – I’m off for an overnighter in a cute cottage (somewhere picturesque) with something called THE GIRLS.
Cr: Lana aka BADGIRL: flickr
I hope it’s better than last time. I was very lonely.
****For starters, me and THE GIRLS could NOT find common ground re fellas…….
The problem? They all had at least ONE – husband, defacto, significant other, partner, sperm donor, yoga teacher….
Just quietly, the news on the fellas-in-captivity front (except for those with exemptions: yoga teachers and gay sperm donors) was NOT good. Complaints, complaints, complaints. But I did learn something - that if fellas-in-capitivity TOOK NOTICE of the different coloured domestic rubbish bins and distributed waste accordingly, they’d be treated to a lot (okay a bit) more sex.
***THE GIRLS and me could NOT agree on what makes for a lovely spread.
Why, WHY must everything have to be marinated? And why MUST contemporary nibblies STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN? *As a young reporter, I was lucky enough to be on the site of two shallow graves. Do you have experience with washed rind cheese? Enough said.
I much prefer to let my chippies and Kraft lumps breathe, speak for themselves. Good news though on the libation front: NO ONE was fighting me for my Riccadonna.
***THE GIRLS and me could NOT agree on mothering strategies.
I don’t have children but I do have STRONG maternal instincts. I’ve got valid things to say. I deserve to be heard.
This is what my MATERNAL instincts were telling me:
- Timmy is NOT a genius, he’s a little shithead.
- Private schools are good – they keep unsavoury elements out of the public system.
- Breast feeding destroys figures. Yes it does.
So, off I go again. A report on proceedings will be tabled. *Someone said someone had picked up a home botox kit in Mexico. Yee hee!
*******BONUS! New The Ginger Man adventure underway – ON THE BEACH SOMEWHERE IN BRITAIN.
Kicked off in the previous comments section. Unfolding in this one.
What on earth will Long John Pilger do next?
******************
As always, I must hear from you or they’ll close me down. Do you prefer single or mixed gender events? Are you happy with your gender? Are you thinking of joining a Men’s Group? Has THE SISTERHOOD ever been nasty to you? And – as usual – anything else.
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Comment of the Week
April 19th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Ah, secret women’s business.
Make sure there are NO bugs.
SWB….Is the main topic Men? Recipes? Fashion? Music? All four?
Who holds the Talking spear?
Dear The Dude,
I shouldn’t tell you this but TEETH have become a very big topic of conversation. KJ.
April 19th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Looking backwards
I sense shadows,
I feel the arm of the Girl….
The girl I never knew
Her eyes,
Warm and friendly
Candle-glow.
Rich and filled
With friendship.
Truly,
I cannot leave here
Or return there.
So where?
Where Girl,
Where Girl I Never Knew?
Where from, where to?
I cannot live in Past
Or Shadowland.
It is dangerous to go there,
Live there the Dead forever.
They cannot speak or kiss you,
You dare not hold their hand.
Only white cockatoos on branches,
And dumb tombstones below listen.
In the present they cannot hear you
Though you weep in their shadows
Softly dancing in the twilight sands.
April 19th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
My Amore KJ,
I so upset to hear that the sisters did not want to sip some of your Riccadonna.
Had I, ME FABIO, been there I would have said to sisters:
I am no interested in your idea of KJ drink from my country. I drink true beauty from KJ eyes.
Much, much amore.
April 19th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Dear KJ,
Fabio was too shy to tell you that he does not want to meet the ’sisters’.
Even though he says that stinky cheese is ’sexy’, he says that he’d eat Kraft lumps with you anytime.
The KJ Living, Loving, Learning site is a world of wonders for this very quick student.
It also saves The Tutor a whole lot of lesson preparation.
Even though Bananas In PJs have their place, this is the classroom of THE NOW.
Thank you KJ.
April 19th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Dear KJ,
Four ladies in your photograph – at least one too many.
Your girls’ night out will degenerate into a back stabbing affair where your tastes in alcohol will be the least of your worries.
Good luck.
*School holidays and I’m knitting Breakfast booties.
Dear Megsy – have you had bad experiences with groups of FOUR women? Intriguing…..KJ.
April 20th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Hello everyone,
Back in one piece…..
I got it wrong about the ‘cute cottage’.
We stayed in a converted convent. There were lots of indentations in the walls – obviously where statues had been.
Thrilled it rained non-stop. NONE of those interminable walks where you have to indulge in serious conversations about being a woman. I accept my gender and will do whatever it takes to make it work for me….RIGHT?
We had prawn platters under a huge umbrella as the rain pelted down. CRUMBING and frying was banned on the basis of something called ‘waist thickening’. All to do with fluctuating hormones.
As usual, no one wrestled me for the Riccadonna.
Nice to be home.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Teeth, teeth, TEETH.
Not just a main topic of conversation among women…….
Do I have a genetic flaw or a serious case of Ju Ju Jubes Syndrome?
I remember holding hands with a girl and eating many ju ju jubes while watching ‘Magnificent Obsession’.
Now, it’s a case of Magnificent Extraction.
GCM – I blame a nervy habit I had as a young reporter. I chewed the ends of plastic pens all day. Gnawed away until ink exploded in my mouth. Looked and tasted terrible. Avoided many assignments because of ink bursts. Unprofessional demeanour apparently. KJ.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
GCM,
Are you also exploring the possibility of The Magnificent Implant?
April 20th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Dear Megsy,
Thank you.
Can you also send ASAP two pairs of the smallest ugg boots available?
April 21st, 2009 at 8:59 am
Hello sister KJ,
As a teenager in Leeton, did you have a reputation as a good girl or a bad girl?
Dear Ex-Leetonite,
Neither. I was a hockey girl.
Sister #1 was a squash girl. Sister #2, a netball girl, Sister #3, a softball girl and Sister #4, a tunnel ball girl. KJ.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:43 am
Dear KJ,
Do you know that tunnel balls have been resurrected in many health clubs?
They’re called medicine balls and are used as weights (I think).
At school, we still play tunnel and captain ball prior to the annual athletics carnival.
Recently, we purchased a couple of new medicine balls – the bruises from the old square and unlaced ones were still apparent two months after the carnival.
Too many parental complaints.
Still, the latest additions to the sports shed just don’t roll the same way!
Explaining the rules of tunnel ball to bemused students is almost as much fun as blowing the whistle and disqualifying them all.
As yet, have not had a ‘valid’ result.
Perhaps Sister # 4 could offer a few tips?
Dear Megsy,
Tunnel ball should be banned.
Decades later, I’m still being treated for Post-Tunnel-Ball-Stress-Syndrome. There I was – with legs wide apart – waiting, JUST WAITING for a ball travelling at 70kms an hour to crash into my skinny pins.
Waiting, waiting, waiting….CRASH!
Hardly good preparation for my signature event: Long jump while licking paddle pop.
*Roma Street,
Was tunnel ball a strictly a ‘Catholic thing’ back then. Hope you avoided its indignities at Leeton Primary.
KJ.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:46 am
* Dear Roma Street, I have moved your ‘late entrant’ tweaking story to this thread. The volley ball reference is very relevant and I didn’t want folks to miss your musings. KJ.
My entire senior career at LHS was spent in a semi-requited, on-again, off-again, sturm und drang, Victor-and-Nikki thing with a former St Francis pupil who had arrived to do year 11 and 12.
Apologies to my close associates at the time who had to sit through the various welters of tears and recriminations that were part and parcel of this toxic ‘relationship’.
In any case, one feature of the topography of the thing was a six-month ‘no talkies’ period, precipitated by jealousy occasioned by one half of our dysfunctional duo attending a ’social’ with a prominent sportsperson from another school in the region.
Anyway – to cut a long story short – I broke the speaking drought with a fairly hard tweak, delivered when my beloved/psychological-death-cage-match-opponent was leaning over the gym balcony near the lockers, watching a volleyball match.
It was the biggest risk of my romantic life to date, aiming a tweak at a person with whom I had been exchanging the hairy eyeball for half of Year 12, but it worked.
Said left-footer turned around and with a winning smile said: So how have you been for the last six months?
Roma Street,
I was always on guard when attending socials.
Bad things happened at socials. Marriage break-ups, biffo, boring speeches, raffles with crook prizes……..often they finished early. Because they had become anti-socials. KJ.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:03 am
TGM………Of course I’ll look after Breakfast! No shop bought ugg boots though.
The ewes are lambing at the moment.
A cold snap, a dead lamb or two and I’ll whip him up some home made ones.
Very plush.
I teach craft too.
Dear Megsy, wonders will never cease. Get thee to a tannery! KJ.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Tunnel Ball was quite emphatically a feature at Leeton Primary School.
It was one of the half-a-dozen or so non-sports that went to make up a diabolical farrago called Tabloids.
Tabloids was one of the things that we did for Sport on Friday afternoons.
You’d line up in your gear in the quadrangle, hoping that sport was going to be cricket or softball or soccer.
And then Mr Thomas (or someone) would tell you to assemble on the lawn for Tabloids.
The wave of disappointment that flooded through your year group was palpable.
Hello again Roma Street,
Thank you. When I was limping back to Gwennie with my latest tunnel ball injuries, I had NO idea they’d come from participation in the TABLOID group of activities.
Is there ANYTHING you don’t know about physical education? Like WHY were boys exempted from TABLOIDS?
April 21st, 2009 at 2:56 pm
OFF THE BEACH SOMEWHERE IN BRITAIN
Imagine all of those Egyptians of old pulling the statue of King Tut through the burning sands.
Then you have some idea of fifty coastguard widows dragging our gallant boat to Golders Green while other women called out ‘Meshuginnahs!’ from overlooking windows while cooking latkes and helping their sons through medical studies.
I won’t give you the whole megillah, but I am sure you get the picture.
Onward, onward cried Long John Pilger, his whip cracking the air.
He had his laptop and cell phone to give fifteen minute bulletins to the BBC.
The journey from Soho saw Breakfast in his new aussie homemade ugg boots (thanks Meg) wagging his tail and smiling at the crowds.
Tiffy had the shits and ran back to the bomb shelter.
Dogs have masters, but cats have servants.
No procession of martyrs or criminals to Tyburn had a better audience.
At four o’clock everything stopped for Tea.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Changed boat’s name to:
S.S EXODUS Human Rights Try Do
Figure in blue and red on top of synagogue.
He leaps onto the mast.
It is SPIDIE!
April 21st, 2009 at 3:17 pm
KJ,
Why were boys exempted from Tunnel Ball?
To stop Ball Wars.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Spider-Man,
COME DOWN AT ONCE!
April 21st, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Came down stairs as an act of courage.
Saw the tunnel ball comments.
Went back upstairs.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Back downstairs in another act of courage.
My doona dumped me.
I daren’t approach it again – it might take out an AVO.
Don’t what to do with myself.
Dear White Knuckle – you must go back upstairs (as yet another act of courage) and talk to your doona. KJ.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Big ceremony planned
Did Noah have these problems?
Dear TGM,
Yes he did X 2. Don’t get nervy. Let’s go through what you’ve got.
(1) Spidie
(1) Long John Pilger
(1) Breakfast
So, you got someone to SWING it, someone to WRITE it up….and a little fella in 4 ugg boots.
*If there’s one thing that gets the British going its anything for free, particularly entertainments.
Go forth S.S EXODUS Human Rights Try Do, go forth!!!
KJ.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:06 am
Dear KJ,
While perusing sports catalogues some years back I came across VIGORO bats.
Foolishly, I spent the good department’s money and purchased some.
Unfortunately, I had forgotten the rules of vigoro and if any other equipment was required.
Sports monitors occasionally come across the bats and enquire as to their purpose.
I just tell them they’re Icelandic cricket bats.
Dear Megsy,
I wonder whether VIGORO comes under the risible TABLOID group of activities.
Could it be that VIGORO was the fancy name for softball? Not quite baseball, not quite cricket.
I really wanted to have the glam job of softball pitcher.
Three barriers to my dream: Juvenile blindness (couldn’t see the batter), NO co-ordination (couldn’t throw a ball straight) and NO thrust (NO power in my spindly arms).
Short-stop it was.
Stood there like a dill all day with my gloved hand out hoping that something might land in it.
Roma Street: Can you confirm – VIGORO and SOFTBALL one and the same woeful game? KJ.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:30 am
Dear TGM,
When making beds, my mother would always say Good side towards London as she plumped the pillows.
To you and your gallant crew I say: Keep Britain On Your Left (I presume you are sailing northwards)
Never mind, Spidie’s on the lookout. All will be well.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Dear KJ,
A quick flick through your chick list causes me to reply in linear to your set of Qs.
1) Single or mixed events? Both OK, as long as White Knuckle is absent.
2) Ambiguous – Yes, I am happy to be female. Do I like my own gender? As above.
3) No. Don’t want to join men’s groups: Neither primeval scream bonding (nor bitching about the Family Court) are of interest. On the other hand, no plans to join The Goddess Gang.
4) Nasty treatment by The Hood? Yes, when as student, I scored the role of Sandy in the late Alex Buzo’s play, ROOTED, I returned each night from performances only to find that my dormitory cot had been short-sheeted.
Fabio, as always, sends his love.
He is often perplexed, but here’s a task for you KJ. Explain to him the difference between ‘crook’ and ‘chook’ raffles.
Business as usual,
The Tutor.
Dear The Tutor,
Thank you for paying such close attention to my chick list.
NOW, go easy on poor old White Knuckle. I suspect it’s a very long time since he’s been to a function, mixed or otherwise…..
*No difference between ‘chook’ and ‘crook’ raffles. KJ.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Verily
Verily…..
I say Unto Thee,
As My Mighty Highly Stimulatin’ Package
Spreads All Over the Land…..
And The People Shall Go Unto The Plaza
The Harvey Norman,
& The Dick Smith…..
And They Shall
Take Up Plasmas
& Go Forth
& Rejoice
Mightily…..
For Ever & Ever
(or at least until the next Highly Stimulatin’ Package)
From The Book of St Kevin. Ch 21 verse 19-22
Dear The Rev Kev,
Forget home entertainment electricals. The REAL story is the run on botox. KJ.
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I am being discriminated against on the basis of being A Man Of The Doona.
Dear White Knuckle – last time you reported in you were threatening to run off with a BLANKET. KJ.
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Well, of course, Long John Pilger, just HAD to give a speech:
Human rights – we sail to Africa – then off to save the whales – then a series of blockades of harbours.
He is not a fun boy.
TGM – Do you think the name of your boat is firing LJP up? Where is Mr O’Toole? KJ.
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Have gone back upstairs in another act of courage.
Am tweaking my pillow.
I am a Doona Degenerate & Pillowphile.
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
It’s a jungle downstairs.
And it’s a jungle up here.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Where’s the Cheese?
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Brekky just bit Long John Pilger by way of demur.
Mutiny on the SS Exodus Human Rights Try Do! KJ.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:09 am
Mr Knuckle,
Fabio want to understand.
You creep downstair and then only five minit later you are under your doovae.
Why, why you talk to doovae when you can talk to the beautiful KJ?
Tutor thought you might have thing called ‘bad sleep hygiene’.
Mr Knuckle, I don’t wanna upset you sir, but shood you see a doctor?
Maybe you drink too much coffee. You know I am Fabio THE BARRISITA.
Do you need a sisterhood under your doovae with you?
Sleep nice,
Fabio.
Mr Fabio, Mr Knuckle is what I’d call a ‘deep thinker’. He doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. KJ.
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
Fabio and everyone,
I am under the doona, looking up at the ceiling.
It looks unsafe.
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
I am trying not to get cigarette ash on my bare chest.
‘Cause it hurts.
Dear White Knuckle,
How about you turn on the television as an act of courage?
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
KJ,
Vigoro was one with Nineveh and Tyre by the time I got to high school.
My mother informs me that it resembled cricket more than baseball, being played on the ‘girls’ oval’ on a shortened cricket pitch. BUT with the ‘bowler’ throwing the ball rather than bowling it, and the bat was different.
Some unprogressive types apparently called it ‘girls’ cricket’.
Dear Roma Street,
Thank you. From your description, I have NEVER been ON (or even close to) a Vigoro pitch. God is merciful! KJ.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Have just finished watching ACA.
There was a story about six foot plus members of the sisterhood.
They have a very hard time.
Jobs are hard to get and people say things like how’s the air up there?
Men feel intimidated.
Not me.
Can you pass me the stool, please?
Sure HONEY. Blokes your age shouldn’t spend too long on their feet….KJ.
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Had a bath as an act of courage.
Was looking at what used to be a body. Spent a fair bit of time navel gazing.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:49 am
Hello my Sisterhood Friend,
I have tried many times to join the Sisterhood, each time to be rejected. By the Brotherhood of St Laurence as well.
I bought DVDs of ‘Sex And The City’, and ‘Desperate Housewives’, in an effort to create a Virtual Sisterhood.
I craved to have Sisterhood neighbours run into my home to update me on the ups ‘n downs of their lives – new loves, hot loves, loves gone wrong……..
Nothing happened. They’d moved on. They’d seen it all free-to-air.
Marry Me.
Dear, dear Marry Me, My strong feeling? Something good’s going to happen to you by the end of the financial year…..yes it is! KJ.
April 24th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Ciao Miss Marry Me,
Io sono Fabio parlae con te.
Da quello che ho letto, siente una splendida donna di molti talents.
I trust you kept it nice Fabio, I really do……
*I was right Marry Me – and the financial year has two months to run!
KJ.
April 24th, 2009 at 11:10 am
KJ,
Oh, the shame of it!
It’s still school holidays and I have had HEAD LICE.
Went to many Op Shops…no, the local gem is NOT to blame.
One had ‘new’ hats and very lovely they were.
All for sale at $40 each. Original price tags still intact-$120.
I tried a few on and that’s all it took.
Thirty-dollar LICE treatment which had to be left on the hair for a minimum of 12 hours.
I can still smell it!
The washing machine has been going non-stop for two days.
I sympathise with my students’ parents.
Dear me Megsy, Dear me……I’ve got the itches just writing this. Terrible news. I’ve not heard of any of The Sisterhood having late onset head lice. Did you contaminate your dear husband? KJ.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Poor Megsy……
Just remember. Even St Joan of Arc almost certainly had head lice.
April 24th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Megsy,
There are lice aboard our boat.
I think Brekky brought them on board after chasing and biting an East Ender.
I have washed him and LJP in absinthe.
Took absinthe myself as internal medicine.
Brekky very upset – thinks I am going to shave him.
I held him in my arms and sang to him-
Sure you’ve got those lousy lice,
But your eyes are so very nice
You’ve got nits in your hair,
But a Friend Beyond Compare
With whom lice I will not share.
Forget about the louse,
Cos I think you’re pretty grouse.
Brekky wagged.
April 24th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Spider-Man has lice, but I cannot catch him. He’s UP THERE!
He must COME DOWN AT ONCE!