Pass Me My Teeth Please
HAS IT REALLY COME TO THIS….?
Yes it has. Oh my, how the reasonably well turned out, have fallen.
I am writing about my TEETH.
(cr: eyesplash Mikul: flickr)
I am the newest entrant in the long tradition of dental/oral hygiene writing……Â
The renowned novelist opens up on the subject of his famously vile father, Sir Kingsley, and the $30,000 fortune he spent repairing his own famously vile teeth. (Blurb from salon.com)Â
The description of the day’s events when Martin Amis had all his teeth out is THE classic of the dental canon. I read ’Experience’ before my current troubles - then thrilling, now chilling…
My teeth are not fabulously vile….YET. BUT, they are full of drama and the narrative (potentially fabulously vile ) possibilities are endless.
God help me. How could anyone be paying this much money for NO teeth?
The history. My teeth started out as teeth. In line with Intelligent Design, I spat out the first lot and the replacements arrived on schedule. They served me well until suddenly three years ago, fang chaos.Â
It was extra terrifying because tooth-centred events unfolded quickly and WITHOUT NOTICE. Big bits falling off, agonising pains shooting brainwards, overnight eruptions, slippage, unexplained craters…..
My once pretty mouth was on the move and where it was headed NO-ONE KNEW.
Mercifully, I am a child of the Murrumbigee Irrigation Area so I know all about BIG projects, big dreams. When my dentist (in calming tones) declared my teeth an unprecedented structural, aesthetic and financial challenge, I remained calm but firm.
Look Madam….when the Snowy Mountains Scheme was mooted there were many doubters……mountains could NOT be moved, rivers NOT diverted. Think of it like this. My gob? The Snowy. My dream? To have you blast through. To change it forever. Understand?
Understood. So major mouth-building works have been undertaken. Surveying. Drilling. Filling. Pulverising. Root canals forged. And even a bridge built… which was to dislodge, come clean out while I was enjoying a risotto, yes RISOTTO, luncheon with a handsome gentleman.
In terms of the Snowy Scheme, I have a long way to go. My mouthworks so far are akin to the completion of the Yanco and Gogeldrie Weirs. Coleambally has yet to exist.
BUT, the dream remains:
To present myself with a full set of resin on my next date.
So, over to you for stories about your teeth (yes, it has comes to this!) Particularly interested in hearing from people that have some. And, as per usual, I’d be privileged to get your news on just about anything…..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
April 27th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
We’re going backwards.
Possibly the oldest living critter is the shark.
Since the beginning of time, the shark has kept replacing teeth and sharpening them on surfboards and kneecaps.
Man begins with the delusion of the Tooth Fairy who becomes the Tooth Demon in later years.
Unless Man wishes to continue to spit tobacco juice into spitoons out of gaps between teeth, he will continue to suffer.
April 27th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Dentists are VERY, VERY SCARY people.
Meg, no fillings this time but you will have to have 15-21 replaced next visit. See you in six months.
Alas, my holidays conclude tomorrow.
Head lice banished.
I didn’t tell you I lost a massive old filling at a Chinese restaurant enroute to delousing destination. MSG must have ‘blasted’ it out.
Emergency appointment and cut tongue three days later.
Looking foward to the resumption of school, self taught pilots and national tests.
Dear Megsy,
Hope you weren’t taking my anti-osteoporosis advice (always eat the FEET of prawn cutlets) when that big, ugly black filling parted company. What on earth did they use back then? Slag pile tailings? KJ.
April 27th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Forgot to say KJ,
At school, when the little and BIG ones lose teeth, they always come to me.
I pop the teeth into envelopes, do drawings of things resembling teeth with wings and (of course) say: Put it under your pillow.
(Sorry The Dude – I’m GUILTY!)
KJ, do you leave messages under YOUR pillow?
Piss Off, Tooth Demon! KJ.
April 27th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Did we have fluoride in our Leeton water back then?
The reason I ask is because my own teeth are an abomination as well.
ABOMINATION!! This is exciting stuff Roma Street. I’ll have to check out the fluoride situation. Oops, there goes another molar….KJ
April 28th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Oh KJ,
Have you got a case of writer’s block AND have had to stoop to RN hosting a National Fang Writing Festival?
Martin Amis did indeed have a brush with the BRUSH…..
Does NOT mean though that the rest of us want to talk dirty: gingivitis, halitosis, receeding gums, peridontal interventions…..
Saccharine Sweet Fanny.
NO writer’s block here baby! Oops there’s goes the sixth to the right, lower thingo…
April 28th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Dear Roma Street,
The Leeton Water Filtration Plant (cnr Acacia Ave and Racecourse Rd) was full of flouride ‘back then’.
Then I remember a debate breaking out and the fluoride was withdrawn.
My savvy parents poked small, mauve fluoride tablets down our throats.
I have great chompers.
Also, I reckon The Water Filtration Plant building beats the Roxy Theatre for style.
Chomp, Chomp…..
Congratulations. I’m always thrilled to hear from someone with teeth. Thank you for the info. I also remember pushing loads of small coloured tablets down my throat – they were called smarties. You might be interested to know I have sung the praises of the Water Filtration Plant building in an earlier post. KJ.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Dear KJ,
Too bad about YOUR ivories……
Bigger issues at stake here.
Is that a bloody cane toad sitting near your south west NSW home town?
Prioritise KJ: Before you wail and gnash further, get onto the Cane Toad Emergency Line NOW.
PS: Fanny is NOT a Greenie.
Dear Fanny,
I CAN’T wail and GNASH. Oh to GNASH. Oops there’s goes the fifth from the left, upper. I’ll ring the cane toad folks. KJ.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Can I Just Say?
Can I Just Say?
Can I Just Say?
Some people have said I look like a dentist…
I talk like a dentist…..
And I make love like a dentist.
And I say:
When was the last time,
Your dentist sent you a cheque?
Dear The Rev Kev,
Pass the spitoon. KJ.
April 28th, 2009 at 11:07 am
You’re absolutely right KJ – those dentists charge like wounded bulls.
I gave up on ‘em years ago (along with the Tooth Fairy, sorry Megsy…)
Can I recommend DIY Dentistry?
It’s very cheap and you’re not kept lingering in a posh waiting room reading out of date glossy gourmet magazines.
Here’s what you need:
1. A piece of string
2. A Johnny Cash classic (I recommend Ring of Fire, but the choice is yours)
3. A bottle of whisky.
Once you’ve got kitted out, here’s what to do:
1. Drink at least five fingers of whisky (v rapidly for max effect)
2. Tie string to little toe.
(you may want to change the order of 1 & 2)
3. Tie other end of string to offending tooth.
4. Turn up Johnny full volume.
5. Draw knee to stomach.
6. Think of your favourite team.
7. Kick a goal.
8. Rinse
(with rest of whisky)
Dear The Man in Red, White and Blue,
This is NOT a lovemaking tips site, IT IS NOT! KJ.
April 28th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Found any talent yet KJ? Didn’t think so.
The most frightening thing about dentists is the amount of money they need. One BMW is not enough.
Bring on Medicare for dentists, some kind of cost control is needed.
The other worrying trend in dentistry is the number of them helping themselves to the pharmaceutical supplies.
Great to hear from you Bill.
On the first matter……I am expecting big things when I’ve got my teeth in place.
*I wouldn’t begrudge any dentist looking over the monthly figures a bit of laughing gas. KJ.
April 28th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Came downstairs as an act of courage.
Saw the comments about teeth.
Am going back upstairs to try out The Man in Red, White and Blue’s suggestion.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
TEETH OVERBOARD.
The only thing
I can say about teeth.
Is they give me grief,
Like Peter Reith.
April 28th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Don’t want to depress you all BUT…..
I was looking at an old picture from 1988.
I had beautiful teeth, lovely hair and self-belief.
Gone like the last swallow.
Dear GCM,
I’m heavily promoting the use of swine flu masks. Hide a multitude of sins. KJ.
April 28th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
STILL ON SS HUMAN RIGHTS TRY DO WHICH IS BEING PULLED ALONG ROADS.
The men from Bletchley Park have fallen out with the Australian contingent, accusing them of being Barbarians.
The Aussies retaliated by telling the Bletchley men that they are intellectuals who refuse to have baths.
There was a melee involving the use of crutches, zimmer frames and other prosthetic implements of support.
Many glasses were raised in celebration of the truce.
Long John Pilger had his tape recorder at the ready but it was smashed by a member of the party who told him: You’ve never seen a shot fired in anger, you bastard.
Brekky has developed a taste for Reschs DA. I am trying to wean him off his addiction to Dinner Ale.
The Mayor of Golders Green has visited, appealing to the party to desist from the celebrations.
A member of the party suggested to the Mayor that he perform an impossible sexual act.
April 28th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
My nerve went just as I was about to kick that goal.
My slogan from now on is: As An Act Of Courage And Charity Take Me As I Am.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
KJ,
I say these words to you: With or without teeth, YOU are the goddess of computer.
Ciao Bella.
Mr Fabio, kind words as usual. Do you have teeth? KJ.
April 29th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Dear KJ,
What have you done to my best student?
Since he read this post, he has decided to flick his prized job as barista.
Worse, he has given up his dream of becoming a movie star in ‘In this big Australia Land’.
Why? To persue a career in Dentistry.
Honestly KJ, I am The Tutor who does not spank, nor put recalcitrants into the Glasser Room.
Damage control KJ.
Dear The Tutor,
I’m always of the opinion that a man should follow his dreams. What on earth is a Glasser Room? KJ.
April 29th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Dear Friend KJ,
I wish you the best in your quest for a prize winning smile.
I have been carrying a secret for close to four decades.
I went for a routine check up at my regular dentist. All seemed fine.
KJ, shortly after my mum and dad sat on my bed. Normally happy folk, they looked shaken – ‘nervy’ as you would say.
I know now that the rate of longevity for dentists is below the National Average.
Did I put a hex on that man? I normally do not dabble in common parlance, but did I cause him to ‘neck himself’?
Perhaps this tragedy is the genesis of a pattern. I fear I will make men nervy and then proceed to do so.
Have a GREAT DAY.
Dear Marry Me,
There is little joy to be had in all this. EXCEPT to say that what happened forty years ago was NOT your fault. Your dentist simply overreacted to a mouth that was NOT going to provide much work. KJ.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
A friend tells me the only way to deal with a dentist is to grab him by the crown jewels and say: We’re not going to hurt each other, are we?
April 29th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
KJ,
A swine flu mask won’t do the job.
I would like a death mask modelled on Tyrone Power.
Also, let’s bring back the masked ball.
In the meantime, I want women to get interested in my inner-self. Not my inner-child, my inner-adult.
I also now declare that I will be NO longer known as the ‘Geriatric Chick Magnet’.
Just the Chick Magnet.
I was a Chick Magnet and I remain a Chick Magnet.
From now on, I’m plain CHICK MAGNET.
If you wish to refer to my longevity please use MR Chick Magnet.
If you wish to use my first name only you can call me ‘Chicky’. As in: How ya going Chicky?…..good to see you in the Tavern Of Tears again.
How ya going Chicky? This is a big day for our community – its first official name change. I will respect your wishes as in: That’s a fine comment Mr Chick Magnet, formerly known as the Geriatric Chick Magnet. KJ.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Thank you KJ.
Chick Magnet aka Mr Chick Magnet
April 30th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Dear Chicky,
Go The Magnet!
A name change is so refreshing in a sea of SEA CHANGES. Yuk, excuse me a bit while I go rinse my YOUTHFUL mouth.
Found my Listerine – am now back.
Now back to you THE MAG – I can accept your akas but with some reservations.
‘…I’m (now) Plain Chick Magnet.’ You STILL show signs of poor self esteem. Please sing this out to yourself: ‘I am NOT plain, I am Mr Chick Magnet….’
KJ knows that Fanny is not a Happy Clapper. She knows that Fanny will only give advice when one of our tribe is in trouble.
So bloody impressed Chicky, so impressed…..!
April 30th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Dear KJ,
You ask: What is The Glasser Room?
In the early 1960s, a sociologist/psychiatrist, William Glasser, tried his hand at advising ‘learning institutes’ how to deal with non-compliant students.
In the process, he came up with the idea that ‘Assertive Discipline’ should include a small room in which students who did not agree with his world view, be incarcerated.
It had a label – Reality Therapy, revised to Control Theory, revised to Choice Theory.
The Tutor is a firm believer in REVIEW. But who is going to believe in anyone who regurgitates the same shit, NEW LABEL?
Someone a bit smart wrote words to this effect: Dr Glasser, you are not a Research Scientist. Your theory maintains that all we should do from birth to death is BEHAVE.
This genius suggested that WG take his ‘Reprogramme Room Regime’ to a more appropriate forum: Eg, The Pentagon/White House.
To date KJ, I cannot provide any stats re the physical/psychological damage done to the poor creatures who ended up in THE CELL.
And Dr Glasser ain’t talkin’.
Megsy do you have any info on this Glasser Fellow?
April 30th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Fanny,
You’re a good chicky,
Chicky.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Also, let it be known that I am fighting a rear guard action against tracksuit pants and soft shoes.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
The Tutor,
Isn’t ‘this Glasser fellow’ a footballer in trouble recently?
I avoid professional learning like the dentist.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Soft shoes, soft food
Is that all there is, my friend?
April 30th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
The Rev Kev – on TV tonight – said everyone’s got to wash their hands with soap and water to halt the spread of swine inflenza.
I thought after attending to private ablutions, everyone was doing that.
If not, why not?
The Rev Kev is obviously a man who washes his hands frequently – perhaps even more than Pontius Pilate.
Let’s all wash our hands and dress up for the masked ball in line with Chicky’s wishes.
Is The Rev Kev suggesting that Mexicans do not wash their hands before making tacos? His comments are very discriminatory, even highly offensive.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Hey Gringos….
Eees vairy offensive to suggest Mexicans don’t wash hands.
We are not stupeed Mr Rev Kev Senor, despite the movies which make us look stupeed with gringos like John Wayne.
If you continue this defamation you can expect one big hot tortilla up your khyber.
Areeba, areeba……
Speedie Gonzales. Mexico City.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
If you’re dying and you know it,
wash your hands.
If you’re dying and you know it,
wash your hands.
If you’re dying and you know
And you really want to show it……
Wash your hands….
Wash your hands….
Wash your hands.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:24 am
Dear Mr Speedie Gonzales,
I weep with joy to find anotha hot-bloooded man in this place of living, learning, loving.
Tutor did not want to tell me about khyber. I look up in dictionary. Mr Speedie, that word is not there.
KJ, you not run off with Mr Speedie.
KJ, Fabio has a mouth full of big white teeth. I look at TV and see advertising for teeth product things. They look like my teeth. After I am movie star in Australia, I will do mouth advertising.
Fabio – please send recent photo of teeth asap. KJ
May 1st, 2009 at 9:45 am
Hello everybody,
Am at my desk. Decided to have a quick squizz.
(The BOSS is not in yet).
I nearly fell off my ergonomic chair when I read what The Man in Red White and Blue said. I NEED to believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny AND the Tooth Fairy.
Got to go. Boss just arrived.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:54 am
Belay all previous orders!
I discarded the Akubra, bought new gear at Lowes and fronted into the Tavern of Tears with: Hi guys can I hang out with you? Gee, that Led Zeppelin was wild.
REJECTION!
So, I have returned to my old persona.
Where’s that akubra?
GERIATRIC CHICK MAGNET
PS – You CAN still call me Chicky on informal occasions.
GCM, alright……for the second time in 24 hours, I will respect your naming wishes. You have really worked yourself up into a state. KJ.
May 1st, 2009 at 10:03 am
Dear KJ,
Could I be falling for an older man. YES, Chicky!
Chicky, I too have waged a war against trackie daks. I went even harder in my Goth phase.
Then, I went even HARDER when I visited the west coast of Tassie.
Every outfit, gender non-specific, consisted of either light grey or pink T suits.
Now come on Chicky and Fanny……I am a great supporter of trackie daks as an essential wardrobe ‘basic’ for men of a certain age. Avoids me having to continually approach old codgers with ’sensitive’ news about their gaping flys. KJ.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Rev Kev,
On your way to the dentist and President Obama, why not drop in on Professor Wallace, and after washing your hands have a little chat?
Wallace is visiting professor in the Department of Geography at the University of Minnesota and author of the forthcoming book Farming Human Pathogens: Ecological Resilience and Evolutionary Process.
He has a blog:
http://farmingpathogens.wordpress.com/
He writes of the name ’swine flu’: ‘It detracts from an obvious point: pigs have very little to do with how influenza emerges. They didn’t organize themselves into cities of thousands of immuno-compromised pigs. They didn’t artificially select out the genetic variation that could have helped reduce the transmission rates at which the most virulent influenza strains spread. They weren’t organized into livestock ghettos alongside thousands of industrial poultry. They don’t ship themselves thousands of miles by truck, train or air. Pigs do not naturally fly…..’
Just washed my hands again, Rev Kev.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:38 pm
KJ some advice. Don’t worry about having no teeth and your face looking like two flat balloons pressed up against each other.
It’s what’s inside that counts. Like you have a really good sense of humour and great legs.
I have a bit of a thing for short men with strong arms and my best lover ever had a club foot which had been operated on as a child.
I like the slightly, lightly damaged and I’m sure most of a certain vintage would have no choice but to agree.
I’ve just been to see my moustache remover Simone. If she wasn’t so busy pulling hair out and off right across the city she’d be one mean detective.
She has her nose to the ground and I always go to her for imminent trends.
And here it is. Men will be wearing beanies at the gym this winter.
Go on and back me up you guys…..
Easter is over. School holidays over. Any Plumbers out there? Electricians? Anyone?
Greek and loving it, I said I had problems with my teeth. I said NOTHING about my face ‘looking like two flat balloons pressed up against each other….’
For your info, it’s more like ONE flat balloon on which someone’s mum has drawn a face with texta.
* You won’t have to get your moustache done SO often when swine flu masks become mandatory. KJ.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Oh no, I don’t want Simone to go broke.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
Regarding The Foot, I had no idea that you were suffering from the Byron Syndrome.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:04 pm
News flash.
I bought an electric blanket today.
I love the electric blanket….let me count the ways.
It’s got a 12-month warranty.
White Knuckle, I can understand why you started talking to your doona.
Dear GCM,
You’ve had a very nervy week. So, please don’t forget to take the blanket out of its plastic wrap before switching on. KJ.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Worse than rotting teeth, I have just marked 25 first-year student essays on Foucault and discourse theory and it’s brought on a case of recurring Tourettes Syndrome.
Talk about a filthy mouth.
The syndrome first emerged at a work picnic a year ago when I was compelled to tell a homophobic joke to my boss and his boyfriend.
I’m not homophobic in the least so we all knew something was terribly wrong and human services was quickly alerted.
Next thing you know, I’m at a conference in Iceland – and I’m sure you’ll all be aware of the fact that the Prime Minister of that beautiful country is a lesbian.
I must say being in Iceland with an-up-and coming lesbian Prime Minister where no-one could understand me only contributed to a speedy recovery.
Thank you human services.
BTW, the Dean congratulated me on my lecture yesterday: Terrific, so passionate! His very words as he lent across my power point in a semi darkened hall.
I am only swearing intermittently at students in the lift.
Should be OK by end of semester.
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 am
The Dude,
You KNOW I’m only partially educated. What’s the Byron Syndrome please?
May 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Agapoh,
Dear Greek and loving it,
Blokes who limp, write poetry and swim the Hellespont and free Greece as a hobby, and are good at horizontal dancing.
Other famous people who also had or have the Byron Syndrome can be found here:
http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/famous-clubfoot.shtml
May 2nd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Thank you Fanny,
I am fast coming to the conclusion that I’m a spunk on the internet and a mess on the ground.
May 2nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
The electric blanket can never replace the first love, the doona.
Also reading the instructions I find there is no danger of divorce because it can KILL me.
Dear potential sheet of flames…….
I beg you, NO (bodily or otherwise) fluids anywhere near the new electric blanket. No coffee, no massage oil, no hand lotion, no sweating, no crying……NO nothing and I mean NOTHING. KJ.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:48 am
Dear Chicky,
Dear CHICKY, I too respect your wish to recapitulate. Go quickly to the Office of Births, Deaths and Marriages. ‘Tis your only democratic right.
Now Geriatric Chick Magnet, take some credit for giving a youthful Fanny
a new idea in a sea of acorns.
I am off to the aforementioned office to register – am havin’ a Youth Life Crisis.
I’m registering as Jodie Foster, Annie Lennox, Hannibal Lector, Chopper Reed, Sex Kitten, Maid Marion and ME, ME, ME.
As for REJECTION, go back to the Tavern of Tears in your Lowes Gear. Jam two bucks into the juke box and strut your stuff. Play I’m Your Toy and wriggle what is left of your posterior. You OWN the Tavern Of Tears.
As for REJECTION – I have been many times rejected in the TAVERN of KJ. I keep going back!!
Fanny (for the time being).
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:01 am
Dear Mr Geriatric Magnet,
You may have started a pandemic of NAME CHANGES.
Given that NewComer has participated a number of times in this forum, do you think that KJ will allow me to delete ‘New’ from my name?
With The Greatest of Respect,
Comer.
Okay, okay COMER. Next thing it’ll be Greek and hating it, The Loved To Death Scholar, Red Hot Knuckle, The Prude, Paloma Street, The Miniscule Labowski, Kill ‘O Flatter, Dregsy, Kevin Evan Revin……..
As if I haven’t got enough on my plate….KJ.
May 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Now we’re going places.
May 5th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Someone is missing from the Memorial of Fallen Names KJ: JK, Who could that be? Not referring to any Americans, eg JFK. Who, Who Who? Not referring to the World Health Organisation. Getting warmer…?
Fanny Awesome.
May 5th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Maybe I’ll up-grade to Trunk Road 80.