Email to:The Horrors Of A Double Life
For a small town girl, it was terrifying to lob onto a university campus in the seventies. SO terrifying that on my first attempt I stayed just three weeks (but I’ll tell you about that another time when I feel stronger).
Anyway, there I was again with Gwennie and Hec praying that I wouldn’t repeat the previous year’s vicious cycle: University, 21 days/Leeton Cannery Process Line, 190 days/Doldrums, indefinite.
BUT on Tertiary Attempt #2, I still found University culture - even on a semi-rural campus in Bathurst - very alienating.
There were three big MANDATORY MMMs – HATRED of Men, Make-up and Meat Eaters.
God Help Me. These are women who will kill if they find out what is moving among them - a man loving, meat eating, make-up wearing FANATIC.
In the early morning darkness of my small room, I hatched a survival plan. I knew I could not, WOULD NOT stop loving men or wearing make-up. But maybe, just maybe, I could offer up meat.
So, I told my new strident peer group that I was a Strict Vegetarian.
Cr: Ganymedes Costagravas: flickr
My life as an honest Strict V lasted precisely three hours – 7am until 10am. Without my usual three sausage rolls at 9:45am, I wasn’t functioning. So, I snuck down town to Heath’s Pie Shop (no peers in there!) and got stuck in. And because I knew that I would NOT be eating meat publicly, I followed up with two pies and a pastie.
So, began my Double Life – as Strict Vegetarian AND Speed Meat Eater.
To say I was under shocking (and mounting pressure) would be an understatement. I was now creeping into the booths at Heaths up to three times a day WHILE publicly devouring masses of foul concoctions – lentil thingos, soy surprises, nut meat medleys……
I WAS MISS PROTEIN SUBSTITUTE WITH A TERRIBLE SECRET.
THEN, things became even more distressing…….
I was eating for two – THE Speed Meat Eater and THE Strict Vegetarian. I’d arrived on campus a very neat 58 kilos – by the end of semester one, I was fast approaching 70. Urgent calculations sickened me.
Starting undergrad weight: 58 kilos. Double Life weight gain over one semester: 12 kilos. Three-year Degree: 9 semesters. Projected overall weight gain on graduation: 9 x 12 kilos = 108 kilos.
Actual projected weight on Graduation: 108 kilos + 58 kilos= 166 kilos.
And so it was a very nervy, MUCH BIGGER student of higher learning who presented herself to Gwennie at the end of semester one.
Are you pregnant?
No Gwennie, no but I have an awful secret…..I have been leading a Double Life.
…..You can tell me but quite possibly NOT Hec. Have you been going to Mass AND worshipping crazed gurus through yoga or that tantric thingo? We all do stupid things when we’re young KJ, we all do………
It all came out. It was very emotional.
Gwennie said to be myself, no matter how tacky that was. She’d recently seen our family tree and there wasn’t one Strict Vegetarian on it. She said – without makeup - I looked like I’d been exhumed and most men deserved to be loved EXCEPT those who played Rugby Union.
Semester Two was much better. My Double Life was over. I started to spread the word about the small but influential Riverina School Of Feminism.
Are you leading a double life? How do you cope? Are you exhausted and nervy? Is it worth it? Or, is YOUR double life the best thing you’ve ever embark on? Why does it work for you? And, of course, anything else that you’d like to report in on……
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
April 13th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND
I gave Brekkie the remains of a vegeburger.
He rolled over and looked like he was having a fit.
Apart from giving Brekkie UTTERLY inappropriate food, what is happening there in the old bomb shelter please? KJ.
April 13th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Will you love me when I’m Mutton?
Like you do now when I’m Lamb…….
Baa, Baa black sheep tell me true……
April 13th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
You can’t tweak a lettuce
No, you can’t,
You can’t tweak a lettuce
No, you can’t….
You can’t tweak a lettuce,
Even if it begs and lets us
You can’t tweak a lettuce
No, you can’t……
April 13th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
So KJ, it was wheat germ in the morning and lamb chops by night?
April 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am
This brings back memories for me.
Back then, some of the girls I knew ate so much pumpkin and carrots they overdosed on vitamin A.
They had this orange tinge about them.
Dear White Knuckle – I know exactly what you mean. Because I was simultaneously a Strict Vegetarian AND Speed Meat Eater I never went orange.
BUT I did develop unsightly itchy, raised, beige blotches all over my expanding body. Undoubtedly caused by the stress of my Double Life. KJ.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:33 am
How about the double life we led when we discovered the joys of sex?
I’m not talking about THE book, KJ.
Raving nympo one moment…..Mary – Mother of Jesus – the next. The second, the benefit for my own mother.
I wish I’d had Gwennie as mine. She obviously was a strong support for you in your self-belief attainments during uni.
Dear Megsy,
I saw Gwennie as more a CALMING influence than straight out supporter.
For example, the first time I moved in with a fella (well before I became known as the Liz Taylor of Leeton) Hec and Gwennie made a surprise visit.
They were under the impression that I had a lovely flat mate.
Hec, of course, wanted a tour of the house. Gwennie twigged that I was experimenting with another Double Life. She immediately suggested a visit to the local RSL for a prawn cutlet luncheon.
I said: I will see you there shortly.
What followed was Bedroom Blitz. One became two.
After our luncheon, Hec did tour the house. He said it was bloody terrific how young people made the most out of cramped living conditions.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:43 am
My Dear KJ,
I do relate to the traumas emanating from a troubled, doubled life.
Office Life – Happy, make up, morning tea with team, high heels.
Home Life – TV, TV, TV, DVD, DVD, DVD.
I did not make use of your generous offer to allow me, against protocol, to use your site to PICK UP over Easter.
Instead, I headed off to St Mary’s Cathedral to reaffirm to myself that Archbishop Pell is NO Tweaker (well, not in public).
Then I hit Tweak HQs, Hyde Park. NO GO.
But the pigeons were very nice.
Love to EVERYBODY.
Dear Marry Me,
Everyone was expecting Archbishop Pell to show his fun side and execute a couple of traditional Catholic surprise Tweaks on Easter Sunday. Disappointment all round. KJ.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
My Dear KJ,
I write on behalf of two people:
The Rev Dr Kev (Daytime) and -
Mr Dirdy Rudd (Night time)
BY DAY:
I may look a cross betweeen a dentist and Harry Potter but really I’m an angel, dispensing good works across this fair land.
….Whether it’s a school in need (thank you dear Megsy) or a home for Unfortunates, The Rev Kev will always be there to put his hand in your pocket for them. In fact, they’re saying my National Broadband Plan is a bleedin’ miracle.
BY NIGHT:
The Ruddy (with two ds) gets down and Dirdy, Dirdy, Dirdy……
As soon as Mrs Rev K is gently snoring I sneak out of bed, don my leathers…go down to the Lodge’s garage, hop on my Harley, and drive hell for leather out of Canberra screaming obscenities at the top of my voice.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Sooner or later, you’re going to have to appear on Lateline as Mr Dirdy, Dirdy, Dirdy Ruddy By Night. Afterwards, the Morgan Gallop people will annouce something quite unprecedented: A PM with a 100% approval rating. KJ.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Should she throw away lovers,
Like half-eaten dinners?
And put out the garbage,
Filled with unopened letters.
Or put on her makeup,
For a simulated outing.
Her look in the mirror,
A red rose’s sad wilting.
Or join with the girls,
For a session of quilting?
April 15th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Hi KJ,
As an insider at Aunty can you help The Rev Kev with a branding problem?
I’ve read research suggesting that Lateline’s Tony Jones is the thinking woman’s crumpet.
Is this true?
If so, why?
And what can The Rev Kev do about it?
Not that we take much notice of opinion polls, but do you think that if The Rev Kev wore his leathers for late night appearances he’d be a match for the sultry Jones?
Mr Smoothshanks,
This is one of the more disturbing pieces of correspondence to come across my desk. In my university days, one of the worst things a man could do was OBJECTIFY a woman. Eg: Your brains look good in that top.
Now, it seems, YOU seek to OBJECTIFY two MEN, both leaders in their fields. One, Aunty’s finest journalist and presenter, the other, no less than the Prime Minister of a Recession-Torn Australia.
If you think I will dignify your project with a response to your cheap queries, you are sadly mistaken.
I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT MAKES SOME PEOPLE TICK. KJ.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Jeez KJ – loved the way you stuck it up that Smoothshanks – just what that wanker needed.
I’ve been telling The Rev Kev for ages that any bloke who spells Simon with two I s has gotta be up himself.
Thank you for supporting me Mr Handjob. Keep up the good work in The Rev Kev’s Protective Services team. And let me repeat: You were the best rover the Leeton Redlegs ever produced. KJ.
April 15th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
The Rev Kev,
I am also leading a Double Life.
DULL By Day.
DULLER By Night.
I’m also concerned about the Falling Duller.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
…..School holidays which allows for all too rare moments of contemplation.
SO, while we’re all carrying on about our DOUBLE lives what about the Holy Trinity? – Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Must be darn hard to manage a TRIPLE life.
*The Rev Kev, would you like to open our upcoming new toilets, compliments of your Highly Stimulatin’ Package? Good opportunity to put on those leathers and take the Harley for a spin down our way.
Dear Megsy, you can think TOO much you know…..
I see the Holy Trinity as more JOB SHARE than TRIPLE Life. KJ.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Siimon Smoothshanks,
The Lord be with you.
Objectify me any time eg….love that skirt, where’s the rest of it?
Love is not all around, or so it would seem!
April 16th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
When I get candid people get nervy.
Who’s leading the Double Life?
April 16th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I fly with the night birds.
Chrip, chirp. KJ
April 16th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Hello everyone,
I forgot to tell you……..
Some (or all) of the nuns at St Joseph’s Convent SMOKED.
How do I know this?
Because as a youngin’ it was my job to go up to the grocers, Moran & Cato, and say I’d come to pick up ’something’ for the sisters.
The ’something’ was SOME THINGS in brown wrapping paper.
When I held the ’something’ to the sun, the word ‘Rothmans’ was clearly visible many times over.
How’s that for Double Lives? Brides of Christ AND Smokers…….
April 16th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
I think the neighbours are building a bomb shelter. TGM what are the signs please?
It is most probably a high-tech compost bin. Danger! I have been arguing for years against compost bins of any kind in suburban backyards. I believe they are rat magnets. Over to you TGM…..KJ.
April 18th, 2009 at 8:32 am
SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND
Dear Greek and loving it,
I need more information about the specifications of your neighbour’s mystery facility before commenting further.
However, VERY important to have good reading material in Bomb Shelters.
Here I am relying on a Mirror Women’s Section (1942).
I am purling and plaining and making a sweater for Brekky.
Please inform me of latest developments next door.
Hello TGM, are silk stockings in short supply? Are you drawing seams up the back of your legs? KJ.
April 18th, 2009 at 8:41 am
After slops you need chops……
After going on the ran tan you need lamb.
When tying one on you need won ton.
For a heavy hangover you do not need rocket and clover,
For a man to deliver he needs bacon and liver.
If you live in Sydney cook up some kidney.
Don’t make it a habit to eat like a rabbit.
Don’t live off vegies – look out for wedgies,
For considerable relief try roast beef……
And if feeling forlorn gobble a king prawn.
April 18th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
TGM,
I worry about you…..
Have ladies from the nearest village’s Oxfam Commitee come down to the bomb shelter to check on your welfare?
April 18th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
TGM
History – Lots of dark-haired men coming and going from back door of neighbour’s house with boxes and packing them into a small, old sedan. Sedan drives off. Dark men all leave in separate cars.
Next – neighbour’s house demolished.
Drilling and jack hammering late into the night and a large digger makes gigantic hole.
Now, there is a roof on top of the big hole. Dark men returned but now they just talk and kick rocks around the site.
No women. Ever. Ground level dwelling yet to appear. Will report with further developments.
April 18th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
KJ, you ask: ‘Are you leading a double life?’
What’s this for christs sake?
Let me put it this way….
YOU are leading a double life -
LONELY and SCHOLARLY.
(Don’t get too worked up there) KJ.
April 18th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
My gawd,
School holidays living up to their usual standard.
I’ve been vomited on in a grandstand – thank you to the lady who handed me the travelling vomit bag.
Last night, it was offal soup for 15 people (many partially deaf). Tomorrow, Greek Easter so it’s three-day cooked lamb for 10.
Come Monday, it’s down the coast with six kids and five adults for what looks like a wet beach holiday.
Double life? Could I have one?
Dear Greek and loving it,
Where did this ‘travelling vomit bag’ come from – and where was it heading?
I didn’t know offal soup caused partial deafness.
Happy Easter. KJ.
April 18th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Yes – you are right KJ. How could you have guessed?
The Dean and I have come asunder even before the campaign really began. Teaching with him has been a terrible misjudgement.
Now I see Lonely Scholar was my own prophesy.
True there are my students, fellow intellectuals (in thin ties) with long fingers and my little group of long distance road cyclists.
But I will never get close to the Dean’s fringe in the tea room near the urn EVER again.
Do I feel like a satellite that’s been cut loose from orbit?
Yes, but that’s better than a huge crater in the desert.
I can’t talk any more about it right now. Too raw.
Dear Lonely Scholar,
What is is about the month of April? From my experience, if anything is to go very wrong in the love stakes, it will be in April…..
So set is this pattern that if I am ever again romancing in appalling April, I will demand a course of deep sleep therapy to start on the 1st and end on the 30th. Hopefully, that will avoid the usual horror.
I’m so sorry about you and the Dean.
I am going to say something that may help…..
I have always found men over 30 with fringes, patently ridiculous. Is Friar Tuck really the man for you? KJ.
April 18th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND
I have asked a pal from M15 to look into the matter.
Unconfirmed reports and I repeat UNVERIFIED MESSAGES indicate the Project could be a Highly Stimulatin’ Package (Megadoulia) from Hellas carried out by the KKKKKK (Kebab Krater Kompany of Kerkyra Kai Korfu).
If trucks of olives, onions, lamb, garlic, retsina, ouzo and bouzoukia arrive, please report in soonest..
April 18th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Dear Megsy,
SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND
Thanks for asking….
No, no ladies from Oxfam, but some sweet women from Coastguard Widows who are helping me build a boat.
There’s a kennel for Brekky on the bridge and a snug for little Tiffy too.
Many complaints from neighbours.
Try Do is the name of the craft.
The Trinity Scarf will fly from the masthead.
I am learning how to say: Avast, Belay, and Breakfast, lad, me heartie! convincingly..
See you soon, Megsy me beautie….
April 18th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
ON THE BEACH SOMEWHERE IN BRITAIN
Have recruited first Mate.
He is Long John Pilger.
April 18th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
ON THE BEACH SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND
Megsie, me heartie lassie,
Is this the First Mutiny on Dry Land?
We were loading the first rations, crates of scotch eggs and smoked haddock and absinthe, me hearties.
Long John Pilger objected to the scotch eggs.
I explained to him that a scotch egg is long sustaining.
Archeologists in Kent have uncovered corpses that – after three centuries – have undigested scotch eggs in their coffins…..far outlasting the digestee.
Next dispute: Long John Pilger tried to clobber me, Cap’n The Ginger Man, with a reel-to-reel Nagra tape recorder.
Brekky bit him on the posterior, me laddies and lassies, while I shouted: Belay That, Long John Pilger, Get Thee Below IMMEDIATELY Or I’ll Clap Ye In IRONS!
The dispute is over the name of the craft.
LJP wants to call it HUMAN RIGHTS.
We have settled the dispute by compromise:
TRY DO HUMAN RIGHTS.
April 18th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
ON THE BEACH SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND
Me hearties,
Peter O’Toole dropped by to say the new boat is MARVELLOUS, SIMPLY BLOODY MARVELLOUS.
He’s still here and insists on wearing a tam o’shanter and has an ear-ring.
April 18th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
OK,
You’ve had a bad day…..
You’ve run out of garlic prawns, the washing machine and fridge are on the blink, your husband shoots you in the head and then kills himself.
Whatyathinkyagnna do?
Make a cuppa.
http://www.smh.com.au/world/woman-shot-in-the-head-makes-tea-20090418-aahc.html
Thank You The Dude,
What else did the Deputy say?
‘Where’s the cake?’
April 18th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Darling KJ,
Tutor and I keep getting betterer.
Double Life, she say to me, is when one person acts real nice and some time BAD.
Fabio always on good behavyour. Nice to all my customerz in the Coffee Shop. Yes, I leave factory and am BARISITA.
Beautiful!
Career as actor next job in this big Australia!
No double life, just ONE BIG party.
Latte on me for KJ.
Tutor help me say these words to you:
Amore, Ciao.
Congratulations Fabio – DOUBLE shots all round! KJ.
April 18th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Dear Fabio,
You are one in a million.
I like Lattes too. I like your spelling. Clever AND sweet.
Marry Me,
May I inform you. That special Easter deal I gave you finished precisely six days ago. KJ.
April 19th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Dear KJ,
At times we’ve had a few differences of opinion. However, I must agree, that Marry Me is lucky to have you in her life. And vice versa!
Anyway MM, KJ seems to be a nice woman. She’s admitted that she’s had ‘her share’. I don’t think she’s talkin’ Lattes.
Thumbs up to ALL who manage to keep their DLs under wraps.
*I just love Auntie and The Rev Kev.