Email to:How The RED Scheme Made Me
*On the occasion of The Rev Kev’s re-instatement of Highly Stimulatin’ chain gang employment schemes.
In 1975 - already showing great potential to mess my life up - I found myself on a chain gang as part of Gough Whitlam’s Highly Stimulatin’ Regional Employment And Development (RED) Scheme.
My official title? Apprentice Painter, Leeton Shire Council.
Cr: limonda: flickr
I found out that I was to be part of the RED Scheme when an apparatchik pushed ’call up’ papers under Hec and Gwennie’s front door.
I was under the doona in the sleep out. I’d been there for quite some time since a drama filled three-week false start at a tertiary institute (Drop Out/Sleep Out), followed by a nerve-racking stint as a brown rot spotter on the two-fruits line at the Leeton Cannery.
Hec and Gwennie were besides themselves, fearing they’d produced our family’s first bona fide Bum in a long line of Borderline Bums. But now, hope re-emerged.
Under the auspices of the RED Scheme, perhaps The Bum would pull her head in….PARTICULARLY as she’d been given the opportunity to make history.
For The Bum’s chain gang was made up of the first women working on the Leeton Council’s Outdoors Staff.
And so it was that The Bum turned trailblazer came to paint (’treat’) the rails on Palm Avenue’s twin sporting complexes, The Number One and The Number Two Ovals. By the way, since then, a third oval has been added.
HOWEVER, Civic Fathers wilfully ignored tradition. It should be The Number Three Oval. Instead, it is named in honour of Mark Taylor who I understand was conceived in Leeton.
But, back to 1975.
There I was in a Redlegs jumper (Tuning In and Tuning Out to to Radio 2RG, Griffith) while mixing and slapping on gallons and gallons of industrial products…… which all had names ending in ide and DANGER, DANGER DANGER written on the cans.
The days turned into weeks.
The only break in routine came when we were plonked on the back of a Council truck, driven slowly through the main street and dropped at the Southern Hemiphere’s most spectacular mountain of apricot and peach stones, the Cannery Tip. Here we would scavenge for tins intact enough to mix our potentially lethal ides in.
By then, my thoughts were on a loop.
I MUST go to the St Joseph’s novitiate in Goulburn…..I MUST marry a rice farmer, I MUST fight my natural instincts towards Bumdom, Junie Morosi MUST have liked Jim Cairns, Jim Cairns MUST have liked Junie Morosi, I MUST get control of my ‘ides’…….
I was a very confused community infrastructure strengthener.
But, to tell you the truth, my history making time as a RED Schemer only marked the start of an appalling year - both for me and Mr Whitlam.
In the lead-up to The Sacking, RED Schemers had not only killed off the turf at The Number One and Two Ovals with ides but were also embarking on an urgent project to rid our town of marauding (hairy) cedar grubs. OH&S became paramount. There was talk of masks and washing up gloves. Talk of ides tested in Vietnam.
By the time of the implementation of The Leeton Community Emergency Cedar Grub Eradication Programme and then The Sacking, I had moved on…..MORE than once. As promised before, I’ll give you more details when I feel stronger.
*There was a manufacturer’s thingo etched in the rails at Number One And Two Ovals. It said something along the lines of: Don’t worry about treating this.
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Must hear from you as usual (or we’ll get closed down). Have you ever had a period of deep confusion? Did you handle it better than me? Have you ever been on a chain gang? Did you take sandwiches or pop up the street for lunch? Is The Rev Kev on the right track with his updated community chain gang plans? Anything else on any matter?
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
Prawn Cutlet Award
May 4th, 2009 at 11:12 am
The Rev Kev,
Let’s face it – NOBODY’s going to work except for a few crawlers and robots.
Today, I am announcing the start of B.U.M.S – Boys United In Misery And Sexiness.
A copy of the B.U.M.S constitution eagerly awaited. KJ.
May 4th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
B.U.M.S United Will Never Be Defeated…….
B.U.M.S United Will Never Be Defeated………
B.U.M.S United Will Never Be Defeated……..
May 4th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Sorry to hear of your early trials KJ.
I taught my students Roy’s Working For The Man for a school concert.
The only recollection I have of the entire evening is of those self-taught pilots (senior boys), loudly grunting UGHH at the oft required times.
There was also a giggle about the boss man’s daughter.
So KJ, you can have fun (of sorts) on a chain gang.
I was also part of a radical Whitlam scheme.
Simply put, the wealthy and dull were deemed unsuitable for uni. Hooray!
Take heart.
You must have eventually had the courage to again grace those halls of doubtful knowledge……
……and I bet you set the rooms alive with many an UGHH.
Dear Megsy, I did eventually regain my nerve to re-enter The Academy. That was when I made a mess of my plans to live openly as a Strict Vegetarian, as previously reported. KJ.
May 4th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Chain gang employment?
Try keeping tables and tables of towels at the front of a shop neat…..as constantly instructed by a pimply faced junior much younger than you.
My Christmas holiday job was folding towels at Fosseys, Pine Avenue Leeton, in the 1970s.
In something that would rival present day Myer Boxing Day sales, the store would have a massive annual towel drive.
Housewives were encouraged to lay-by dozens of pairs of towels by Palm Beach.
The colours and patterns were extreme and their size just big enough for midgets.
Some smart store walker would sniff around barking about how her team would win the competition for towel sales.
I wish I’d bought some. Saw those same towels in a recent collectibles/antiques book.
Pretty price: NOT pretty memories.
Dear Ex-Leetonite,
Thank you for reminding me about those famous towel drives. I wish to speak from a CONSUMER’S perspective. Gwennie lay-byed warehouse quantities of manchester during the drives. To this day, our family prides itself on taking towels and sheets seriously. KJ.
May 4th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
I can still tie a tie, or fold a shirt, for Sir.
Anything else, Sir?
May 5th, 2009 at 2:19 am
Yep KJ,
Twas me who predicted a swing towards name changes.
Mr Chicky in the lead, followed by a nose by the White (now Red) Knuckle – then a back flip for GCM. In a sea of Swingers, I remain FANNY.
But if I ever get to the US, I will get an automatic name review and only answer to BUM.
Biz: KJ, really luv, have you got your head up your bum?
Firstly, we were forced to take in some diatribe ’bout your ‘fango probo’.
Now it’s a crook start to life. Creepy!!! NERVY!!!
Are you modelling yourself on OPRAH?
She has done really well by keeping us informed of her trials. Are you about to come out as having a weight issue?
Darlz, I’m out of here – off to see Dr Phil.
Think about it KJ.
Love Ya Darlz,
Fanny (maybe ‘Contrary Fanny’ in days to come).
Dear Fanny,
I have a post nearly ready to go on my weight issues. And it does NOT make for pretty reading. KJ.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Point Of Order (although I’m willing to be corrected by a current resident):
I think Mark Taylor Oval is a new(ish) name for the old ‘Number One Oval’.
We used to sit out on the wicket of Number One drinking Bacardi and Coke, when we told our parents we were at the pictures. That was towards the end of the Bronze Age.
Dear Roma Street,
I will investigate your claims as a matter of urgency!
Did you notice the state of the rails when you were having your illegal drinks party? KJ.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Have come downstairs as an act of courage and safety measure.
I have been in bed all day with my electric blanket on three.
Tropical conditions.
I think I’ll go back up and switch to setting one – Rockhampton rather than Bali.
Thinking of changing my name to Setting Three.
Red Knuckle – that makes two people in here in control of electric blankets that I worry about. You and Chicky. I thought things were working out with the doona. KJ.
May 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
We never got as far as the rails KJ, apart from when we were hanging over them having a discreet chunder.
On the subject of those ovals – they were also at one stage going to build another oval beyond the rails and over the other side of the channel. Did that ever happen? I think it was going to be called Number 4 oval.
Hello again Roma Street,
I am now able to officially report on the Palm Avenue oval controversy. (Info compliments of Leeton Shire Council). It appears that my original oval information was correct.
…..Leeton Oval Complex is the home of Leeton Greenies Rugby League Football Club. This complex has three (3) turf playing fields…..
No 1 Oval has floodlighting which is suitable for night matches. No 2 Oval’s lighting is suitable for training.
Mark Taylor Oval is a premier turf wicket cricket oval, practice nets, amenities and grandstand.
*No Number 4 Oval. But how about we jointly appeal to the Rev Kev to make your dream a reality through his Highly Stimulatin’ Infrastructure Package? Did you go off your idea to change your name to Truck Road 80? It’s a very pretty road. KJ.
May 5th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Dear Fanny,
Happily, I too shall keep my name.
As for a possible conflict of interpretation of same in the USA – no worries.
‘CAUSE I’M NOT GOIN’!
Everyone in here already knows you’re a Bum Megsy, a real Bum…KJ.
May 5th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I got a letter in the mail today asking me to do a couple of little jobs for a bowel cancer test.
They are going to send me the tools and a return envelope.
I’m sorry to bring you all down but did anyone else get one?
My husband’s best buddy, on long-term sick leave from the Post Office, is coming over for dinner.
I don’t think I’ll tell him about these letters.
Your advice KJ?
Dear Greek and loving it,
Extraordinary! Do I understand that you have received an UNSOLICITED approach to participate in a mail order stool test?
Who exactly are THEY?
WHY, WHY must your bodily waste be dispatched in a postpak?
Is this the latest desperate prong in the Rev Kev’s Highly Stimulatin’ Package?
My advice? DO nothing – and, I beg you, SAY nothing to your ailing postal worker friend.
If anyone else has received similar correspondence, please report in urgently.
I swear to God Greek and loving it, I WILL get to the bottom of this…
KJ.
May 5th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I have news of an unexpected name change.
I have just placed a birth notice in The Times.
To BREKKIE (now FESTINA), in the Golders Green Veterinary Hospital, five pups.
All doing well.
Took Festina a big soup bone but she growled at me.
TGM, please pass on our congratulations to Festina….and Absinthe One, Absinthe Two, Absinthe Three, Absinthe Four and Absinthe Five. KJ.
May 5th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
A most ‘unwomanly’ request.
I also was in receipt of the material you describe.
Tell them to stick it.
May 6th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Dear KJ,
I hope every young person in the land has read your inspirational and stimulatin’ memories of working on the Red Scheme in Leeton.
And you know what?
You know what?
A little bit of hard work never hurt anybody.
I well remember getting my hands dirty as a whipper snapper (I think
you and I may be the same age KJ – spooky, eh?).
While studying Mandarin at uni in Canberra I was also working as a cleaner – one of my clients was Laurie Oakes (you wouldn’t believe what I had to clean up!)
But I truly believe the experience didn’t do The Rev Kev any harm.
In fact can I just say that my only quibble with the Good Book is the line that says:
….and on the Seventh Day He rested.
I say that – in this instance – God was a bit of a slacker.
Still, I think by example, the 24/7 The Rev Kev’s I Am The Road, I Am The Light work programme will put the Big Fella on the right path (Sorry God, but you’ll come to thank me one day).
Soon, I’ll be making a major policy announcement on this site (I know that Malcolm prefers Twitter – but really I’m soo over Twitter)……….an announcement that will ensure there’s no room for young slackers in The Rev Kev’s Australia.
God Bless.
The Rev Kev,
You will be given ALL the space you want in here to outline the details of your eagerly awaited Anti-Paxton Policy. With respect, KJ.
May 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
KJ,
Thanks for the sleuthing. My brain was all over the place like the proverbial madwoman’s leavings on this oval business, so I did what I shoulda did in the first place. I rang my mum.
To set the scene – back in my day (and probably yours) there were three ovals on the avenue, called Number 1 Oval, Number 2 Oval and Number 3 Oval. They were all in a row, like ducks on your auntie’s wall.
When I departed Leeton, there were plans being kicked around for a number 4 Oval which was to be across the channel from number 1, meaning that the 4 ovals would be configured in an ‘L’ shape.
It turns out that Number 4 Oval was indeed built (so you can keep your money in your kick, Ruddy).
It is the one called Mark Taylor Oval. It is now the premier cricket ground in town. Number 1 Oval, which was the premier cricket ground and doubled as the home of the Greens, is now the exclusive home of the Greens. Number 2 Oval is still a cricket oval-cum-soccer ground, and the old Number 3 Oval has been de-commissioned as a cricket ground and now houses a so-called skate park.
I feel much better knowing all that, but slightly disconcerted (in a retrospective way) because I have been wrongly imagining all the O’Farrell Cup cricket matches that I have been reading about in the Irrigator online these last few years.
Dear Roma Street,
Your attention to Leetonesque detail continues to amaze…….
You obviously love the place.
Are you ever moving back?
I was looking online today at Leeton real estate. Something I always do when I get restless. KJ.
May 6th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Sad to note in obituaries around the world the passing of Jack Good, an old Bletchley hand.
Does this mean that TGM is the only survivor of Hut 8?
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/obituaries/article6100314.ece#cid
May 6th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Jack Good – drank gin like a girl.
But in a tight situation, he was Marvellous, Simply Bloody Marvellous.
May 6th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
I think an apology is required Kerrie Jean.
None forthcoming, this is my last comment.
Oh Megsy,
To be called a Bum by KJ is a sign of the greatest respect and fondness.
If I have offended you (such a loyal, long-standing contributor), I apologise without reservation.
The-Bum-In-Exile.
May 6th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Dear Megsy,
You really are a B.U.M…….Beautiful Undercarriage Megsy.
May 6th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Vale Jack Good
To write an ode
For a breaker of code,
Could be…….
To mistake a frog
For a cane toad.
Between you and me,
Like all the Boys of Bletchley……
Jack Good will be be back
If we help crack the key.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
UHHMMMM!
Accepted KJ.
Thank you Megsy. KJ.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Festina (nee Brekkie) was discharged from the veterinary hospital, earlier today.
Running a bit short but not to worry – Absinthe1, Absinthe 2, Absinthe 3, Absinthe 4 and Absinthe 5 chewed up the bill.
They really are super pups.
Dear TGM,
Where will you be taking Fetsina (nee Brekkie) and these super pups, please? KJ.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Spot of country air needed now that Spring is in the air.
Might drop in on Lord Fartingdon in his decaying mansion in Surrey.
‘Farty’ as he is affectionately known has a pack of hounds and a pet fox, countless hares and rabbits and pheasants…NONE of which are in any danger of being murdered by aristocrats and nouveaux riche crawlers.
He has only fired a gun once, and that was at a bombastic earl, fortunately missing his mark.
Worried about the pups’ names – should I name them after some of the contributors here?
Suggestions please.
TGM
PS: Farty cleans his teeth with malt whiskey.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Did I say ONE fox?
CORRECTION: Lord Fartingdon has a PACK of foxes and ONE hound.
May 7th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
My suggestions for naming the super puppies. Collectively to be known as The Leeton Litter-rati. Details on sex yet to emerge.
Megsy Mop
El Greeko
Funny Fanny
Rompin’ Roma
Bouncin’ Bill O’Slatter
Canine Kev
Leapin’ Leetonite
Marry Me Mutt
Growlin’ Ginger
Knuckle Bone
Hound Dog Scholar
Lebowski On A Leash
GCM On Heat
Super Bitch KJ
The Dude, thank you very much…
*Come on, a great time to be a NEW poster……bonus offer! You can have one of the Leeton Litter-rati named after you! KJ.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Back to The Teeth issue:
Johnny Cash was accident prone and that included going to the dentist.
See Dave’s Diary at:
http://www.nucountry.com.au/articles/diary/september2003/230903.htm
To quote……
But not even June [Carter] could save Cash in 1978 when he suffered three broken ribs in an attack by a widower ostrich in a paddock stocked with wild game.
He became hooked on pain killers in his recovery – on another occasion in 1983 he suffered the same fate after falling and smashing a knee cap.
And again after his dentist accidentally broke his jaw during dental surgery in 1990 and a steel plate was inserted in 1992.
URGENT! Everyone – please note the status of the beresk ostrich – WIDOWER. Take extra care around emus who have recently lost their wives. KJ.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I have only now recovered enough (thank you Dude) to alert those here to just a few of the details of the “invitation package” (hmph light coughing) that I recently received from Australia Post.
I wanted excitement KJ and by Christ I got it!
Signed by a Professor John Horvarth AO the letter says that it will only ‘take just a few minutes at two different times’. My question to the Prof is, how does he know?
I am also to understand that ’special arrangements’ have been put in place.
Thanks to God my husband is overseas and hasn’t seen this. I have just eaten a banana, Lasagna this evening, and this morning a croissant with friend. I wonder what could be next?
I wanted excrement Dear Greek and loving it and by Christ I got it! KJ.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
The pressure grows as the last exciting leg of the semester gathers like a cloud of dirt in the heel of Socrates.
For example, I tried all morning to get the little widgy on the dock of my screen to turn vertical so I could edge a few more tiny bits of space on my desktop. To no avail!
The Dean is overseas and just as well because although my lecture started off well the other day, all the fun has gone out of face-to- face.
So that you may learn from my experience I will tell you that I tried adopting a technique used by Pythagoras (6th Century BC) who delivered his oral teaching from behind a large drape so that his students wouldn’t be distracted by his physical presence.
However, I find today’s students – it seems- are not quite ready for radical interventions like this and many took fright and wrote about it afterwards in their e-blogs.
I’m going for promotion soon and I think this incident will be ever so delicately absent from my 15-page only application.
This is why it’s so important to know ones way around the screen.
Every little bit counts.
Dear Lonely Scholar,
Another sensational report from the inner sanctum of the Australian Academy. Your passion for exploring ‘new ways of doing’ and new ways of thinking – about curtains, widgets and, of course, The Dean both provoke and thrill. By the way, I am a great supporter of Pythagoras’ Metempsychosis approach to spiritual fulfilment. KJ.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Feel quite at home in El Greeko. Looking forward to house poets on the budget. Private insurance anyone?
May 9th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Have just read in the Good Weekend that L. Cohen did not have a sexual thing with ‘Suzanne’.
SUZANNE I DIDN’T DO YA
I want the world to know and know
How love can grow and grow and grow,
Though I’m a ring tone on your phone
And I’ m a one-man garage band alone,
Who simply never listened to yah……..
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I want the world to know and know
How love can live in a five-buck diner,
Or walk on water, take tea to China.
Though I’m a ring tone on your phone,
And I’ m a one-man garage band alone.
Suzanne, I didn’t Do Yah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Suzanne, I didn’t Do Ya, ah,
Hallelujah
I know ya gave me mandarins
I have to pay for all my sins,
But…
Suzanne, I didn’t Do Ya, ah,
Hallelujah.
To our Poet-In-Residence, Bravo! One of ya best yet TBL. KJ.
May 9th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
* Only a couple of weeks ago we were all celebrating the joys – and challenges – of The Bum Pinch – The Tweak, Tweaking…
Great news to hand: The Rev Kev has been Tweaked!
http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/the-remarkable-case-of-australias-most-popular-dentist-20090508-axx5.html
May 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Hi KJ,
I feel sure that you’ll find it not arrogant that I’m no longer New Comer. That now, having traversed this bloody marvellous blog, I have earned the right to title myself, The Comer.
THE Dude – in giving advice to REV KEV – launched B.U.M.S. Excellent Work!!!
On Mothers’ Day, I am launching P.U.N.S – People United In No Slavery.
Happy Gwennie’s Day to those who qualify.
May 10th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Dear KJ and everyone…..
1) Red Knuckle, ever thought of changing your name to SETTING FREE? Far lovelier to Setting Three. I keep track of your courageous efforts. Mate, you are a beacon to my generation. We know that one day the forementioned efforts will become, for us, a natural part of everday biz.
2) I love you The Dude. And know that Fanny does not chuck out compliments for the purpose of ingratiation. I am saying this – not because you referred to me as FUNNY FANNY – but because you are THE Dude. You showed true grit in speaking your mind, referring to KJ as Super Bitch. Which leads me to …
3) Darling Megsy, be careful when accepting apologies that come with the attachment: ‘No reservation’. Beware of KJ. I have a luv/hate relationship with her – KJ is a flighty, ‘nervy’ animal, often showing traits of the inungula. Megsy, your students, including those self-taught pilots, are lucked up to have you. So is this site.
4) Leeton sounds so bloody marvellous that, in a sea of Sea Changes, Fanny is contemplating an Inland-South-West-Hot-And-Dry-Change.
Not for a decade or two, as I am still fond of clubbing in Darlo.
That’s a wrap.
Living, Loving & Learning, according to Fanny! Always a joy. KJ.
May 10th, 2009 at 11:56 am
“I know ya gave me mandarins
I have to pay for all my sins.”
That’s gold, as the young people say.
May 10th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Guide dogs are named alphabetically.
Each litter has a name beginning with the same letter.
As this is Festina’s (nee Brekkie’s) first brood then it may be an ‘A’ drop.
Looking foward to Fetsina’s ‘Z’ litter.
Dear Megsy,
With this new information to hand perhaps TGM should go back to square one….when the puppies were Absinthe 1, Absinthe 2, Absinthe 3, Absinthe 4 & Absinthe 5.
You may be looking forward to the ‘Z’ litter but Fetsina is NOT. KJ.