Read the post by the Old Carnt and think I’d like a return to good old-fashioned values too.

For example, on SBS television the other night there was a documentary in which a woman was filmed pleasuring herself.

I rubbed only my eyes to make sure I was seeing straight and then quickly switched channels.

Going back upstairs. Hello doona.

I’ve tried, KJ, God I’ve tried. I practise in the shower but the more I try the more I sound like The Rev Rudbot. Still, there is HOPE.

My media advisor, Siimon Smoothshanks, is hiring a voice coach. And if that fails, there’s always my very good friend, Cate.

We’ve got a man down over here!

Meanwhile, here’s a link to the MAN of the moment, Mr Felix Dennis. Could you also be a thought leader, perhaps in your own way?

http://www.ted.com/talks/publisher_felix_dennis_odes_to_vice_and_consequences.html

Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Mr Dennis is my hero. At Radio National, everyone has guest ‘wish lists’. Mr Dennis has been Number 1 across several programmes for yonks.

Me a thought leader? The only time I was ahead of the game was back in the eighties when I predicted the short life of the bubble skirt. KJ.

The Gods, fearing to be eventually outnumbered, were not happy and asked Mother Earth to hand a large rock speak to the youngest son of this family when he was searching for goats along the dry banks of the ravine near his village.

Hi Nestor! (the rock exclaimed) I believe that you have too many male persons in your kitchen!

Never! ( Nestor replied) The ones you saw were only searching for food!

Nevertheless (said the rock) I have sent Turks to your village to capture the best looking women in your family the ones I leave you will be so ugly that no males will ever mate with them and your family will die out.

You mean there are men in my family that mate with women? Replies Nestor.

An old family myth shared between the women of my family as we sit around the kitchen table……

Thank you Greek and loving it…..now, I once lived with a Dirty Old Bastard…….
KJ.

I’d like to make a contribution to The Australian Book of Great Carnts.

* I Carnt Be King
(Well, I love mummy, but she won’t die, and even if she does – going by her Mummy – it won’t be until she’s about 110. Also Daddy once took me aside at Buck House and said:
Boy, you’ll never be king as long as you want to be a tampon….. Daddy can be very direct.

Good luck with the book, and as an act of friendship across the seas, my staff at Highgrove have popped string of organic wild boar snags (see I remember the lingo) in the post to you.

Dear Prince Charles,
Daddy is right. NO-ONE in Australia wants G-G Quentin Bryce representing a sanitary product: NO-ONE! KJ.

I’d like to step forward and offer my services – as The Old Carnt.

I have served on the Boards of several large Australian corporations, I was an advisor to the Government on drug and alcohol consumption, served on the RSL’s national dress code committee, Surf Life Saving Australia’s Swim Between The Flags Sub-Committee, I am an Honorary Mason, and an old boy of The King’s School.

I consider myself an expert in rules, regs, etiquette and protocol – in ANY SITUATION.

If you want to know what you carnt do, just ask The Old Carnt.

It’s a pleasure to serve my dear.

Dear The Old Carnt,
Thank you for your submission. In these times of ME, ME, ME, it’s simply wonderful to hear from a traditional Old Carnt. In fact, I used to live with an Old Carnt but (sadly) the timing wasn’t right.

Something which has always perplexed me: Is there a difference between an Old Carnt and A Silly Old Codger?
KJ.

The Man in Red, White & Blue is a genius.

These are my latest thoughts on this Man stuff:

I’m alive, Godammit!

Isn’t that enough?

What else do you want from me?

Sorry I havn’t written for a while – been writin’ a book.
It’s called:

THE AUSTRALIAN BOOK OF GREAT CARNTS
*a guide to survival in these difficult times.

1. CARNT GO TO BED WITH A WOMAN THE NIGHT BEFORE PLAYING FOOTY
(Fine $50,000 – see Joel Clinton)

2. CARNT DRINK
(What are ya? Some kinda alchie?)

3. CARNT SMOKE
(Haven’t ya seen the pix of the green/brown rotting teeth on the ciggie packs?)

4. CARNT EAT
(Wanna be a fat bastard?)

5. CARNT GO TO A BUILDING SITE
(Haven’t you read all the signs on the fence?)

6. CARNT TELL A JOKE
(It might not work. You could lose your job)

7. CARNT SAY ADIOS
(what are ya? A racist? Wanna upset a Super Rich Yank who’s buggered the phone system?)

8. CARNT TAKE PIX OF YA SON PLAYIN FOOTY? (What are ya, some kinda rockspider?)

9. CARNT GO TO MELBOURNE
(You gotta death wish? Dont ya know it’s the world capital of swine flu?)

10 CARNT STRANGLE YA GIRLFRIEND’S CAT
(Actually, I agree with Malcolm on this one. Cat strangling is Bad – even if ya girlfriend’s dumped ya!)

Look KJ, I know the list is far from complete, but I offer it as a first draft – and I know there are many omissions.

But I was inspired by your correspondent who seems to spend most of his time in bed.

These days it’s definitely the safest place to be…..

Dear The Man In Red, White & Blue,

You need professional help. Please pick up the phone NOW! KJ.