Welcome To Degenerate Island…..
When a relationship is in trouble it is only right that the parties should honour THE Good Time and try to sort things out……
….This is a story of one such attempt at reconciliation. And our couple had shared much…..rented a television, watched the 7:30 Report buck naked, fallen together on the threadbare carpet – and laughed out loud  while applying calamine lotion to each other’s burning private parts…..
So, there they were – on a small airstrip near the South Australian Tuna Capital, Port Lincoln. Destination? Tiny Thistle Island. Population zero. They would be there for a week. They would express mutual scorn in a safe space. See if they could resurrect those halycon days of Carpet Burn & Calamine.Â
WE arrived on Thistle Island – compliments of action man Theo, pilot of a single engine plane which’d been used as back up at Dunkirk. While still yarning, Theo threw our 50 plastic bags of supplies (Providore: Franklins) out of the death trap.
I’ll see youse love birds in a week….. oh yes, I will. But I warn ya, no-one’s ever been happy here, no one….. Â
Then he was off in a haze of leaking aviation fuel.
 credit: Trostle:flickr
I would like to tell you that we ran into Thistle Homestead. Then fell into a wild and hungry embrace. But that would be a lie. Yellowing lace curtains framed the windows, blowies as big as chihuahuas were everywhere and the rickety double bed resembled a prop from Great Expectations.
But did Mr and Mrs Contempt use these most woeful of circumstances to pull together, re-discover mutual respect? NO.
Instead, Mrs and Mrs Contempt had stumbled on the perfect metaphor – ripe for the milking - for a Relationship Gone Bad.
On Degenerate Island, Mrs Contempt quickly showed NO interest in personal presentation. She did not bathe. Or get out of her flannie pyjama bottoms and dirty hoodie. Her once beautiful hair became matted, bunched into a grimy scrunchie.Â
Not to say though that she wasn’t busy. All day, armed with a big stick, Mrs Contempt prowled the perimeter of Degenerate Homestead beating back marauding frill-neck lizards the size of cows. Â
At night, she plucked suspect meat from the dripping fridge and threw it on the rusty griddle, eventually adjourning to the greasy lammie table to stare at Mr Contempt for a couple of hours. The gesture was returned. Following several soothing cask moselles and after carefully packing away the kitchen knives, Mr Contempt would retire to the lounge. Mrs Contempt would proceed to the master suite, check for frill-neck lizards….and hours later, fall into the fitful Sleep Of The Dammed.
The days took on a gentle rhythm…….
When Mrs Contempt wasn’t poking the eyes out of lizards, she explored Degenerate Island. Once she ran along the beach, laughing and throwing her smelly clothes off. Suddenly, a low-flying helicopter interrupted the beautiful tableau. Another time, she saw a yacht anchor in a pretty cove. From afar, Mrs Contempt watched a young and fit couple frolic on the deck. She thought better of asking them for a tainted t-bone at Degenerate Homestead.
The closest Mrs Contempt came to a good time on Degenerate Island was when Mr Contempt decided to take the courtesy boat out.
Do you wanna come or are you just going to sit there all day trying to pick up Radio National?Â
I would prefer to get taken by a frill-neck than go out with you in the boat…..
But Mrs Contempt did go down to the beach for a look. Mr Contempt was enjoying himself. Until the outboard motor died. Mr Contempt was quickly becoming smaller despite rowing madly. Mrs Contempt MIGHT have heard something along the lines of HELP! but, by then, Mr Contempt was a long way away -just a speck on the horizon. BUT THEN, the far off sound of an outboard motor spluttering into action. Mr Contempt was going to live.Â
Not a word was said about the near fatal boating excursion………
The day after, Theo (right on schedule) picked Mr and Mrs Contempt up.
He did not ask how things had been on Degenerate Island.
STOP PRESS!! Degenerate Island has been sub-divided and you can now buy into The Dream. IF I was part of a Happy Couple, I’d most certainly be interested……
http://www.thistleisland.com/thistle/thistle_island.htm
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We have very personal, confronting things to talk about……..how do you know when a relationship should NOT be pursued any further? Can mutual contempt ever be enjoyable? Why waste money on going to Degenerate Islands? Why not just break up at home? And – as usual – a report back on anything happening in your life is valid….it really is…..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!
June 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Dear KJ,
I would have preferred you’d gone to Degenerate Island by ferry.
The ferryman would have said: Nooo-one been happy there…….noooo-one. Took a pair of honeymooners over in the sixties. Only one came back…..
June 15th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Fair Suck On The Sav!
……Now they’re all comin’ the Raw Yabby on me.
And me?
You know what?
I just wanna be me.
As you know my Dear, The Rev Kev works in many wondrous ways
and speaks in many tongues.
Shit hot in Mandarin – as my good friend Mr Fuk U2 will testify.
Pretty hot in Spanish – Adios Baby!
And OK, fairly uncool in basic Strine.
But you know what?
Fair Crack on the Botty…..
I’m gonna give it a red hot go!
HANG ON TO YER HARDIES!
Watch me Kezzie Babes.
I’M JUST WARMIN’ UP!
Dear The Rev Kev,
Would you mind if I offered a suggestion? Now…..don’t get ya knickers in a knot BUT I really think you should try and break it down on the lingo.
Next, you’ll be telling us that since Therese lost a power of weight, things are red hot on the wedding tackle front. And I can tell you, right-thinking ordinary Australians expect and deserve far better than that. KJ.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
There was curry on the airline,
When I got home last night….
It was not Delhi Belly, NO!
What gave me twelve hours fright.
Nor friggin’ Gordon Ramsay,
With his friggin’ culinary mould….
Just a friggin’ packet of curry,
In the friggin’ jumbo’s hold.
Thank you.
(ABC News: An Air India passenger jet heading to Frankfurt has been forced to return to Mumbai after a bag of curry powder set off smoke and fire alarms.
Pilots on the Boeing 747-400 plane activated fire extinguishers after receiving a cockpit warning about a fire in the cargo hold, the Mumbai Mirror newspaper said.
But on the plane’s return to India’s financial and entertainment capital, engineers said the alert had been triggered by the escape of particles from a bag containing two to three kilograms of curry powder).
June 15th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Dear Miss KJ
Thrilled to hear you’ve got Dear Old Carnty on board.
Years ago, he and I visited Very Degenerate Island in the Old Carnt’s yatcht – all I can say is Hemingway was right when he replied to Scott Fitzgerald’s rather obvious statement about:The Rich Being Different To Us…..
Yes, they’ve got more money.
But, of course My Dear, as those gentleman from Liverpool, once said: Money can’t buy me love.
But it sure helps.
At least Old Carnty’s did.
I say did cos I’ve heard he’s lost the lot. Something to do with someone called Ponzi.
So any help you can give the Old Carnt in these difficult times will, I know, be much appreciated.
Dear Libby Pearls,
I’ll tell ya something. If The Old Carnt had anchored ‘Ponzi’ off Degenerate Island, I would have asked him and his entourage to a special tainted t-bone dinner at Homestead Degenerate. ‘Have a good look around,’ I would have told him, ‘For The Future is NOW….’ KJ.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Dear KJ…….Far, far away from Degenerate Island…..
The G-G is a most charming lady…..
My students met her on a road.
I heard she was just passin’ by.
I grabbed some kids (who just happened to be wearing bridesmaids dresses from the eighties) from the playground and off we went.
No OH&S risk assessments. No time.
We had a little wait.
We filled in the time by gesturing to truckies to honk their horns.
That was fun.
The black cars arrived.
As I said, QB was delightful.
Could set the Republican cause back even further in the bush.
Dear Megsy,
I am ashamed! While I bask in the shame of Degenerate Island, the Next Generation is getting on with things……dressing up and chasing the GG (and what was she wearing…?) along country back roads. It is easy to forget that happiness is there for the taking. KJ.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
KJ,
The G-G was wearing a white trouser suit, white hat.
Very glam.
Definitely not from an op-shop.
Dear Megsy,
Women of a certain age should be very careful with white. Can end up looking like something out of ‘Dallas’. White is also an open invitation for cheap and nasty double dissolution visible pantie lines. But I guess Her Excellency knows what she’s doing….KJ.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Dear KJ,
EVEN the soil on ALL Degenerate Islands is hostile….
Nothing grows, love turns toxic, white trousers turn beige, a simple visit to the podiatrist ends in amputation……
Nothing good has ever come from The Degenerates.
Dear The Dude, I had NO idea Degenerate Island is part of The Degenerate GROUP. KJ.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Dear Old Carnty,
Old Carnts Just Carnt…
June 15th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
There’s a viper in my bed,
(She said)
Twenty Ways to Murder: good read,
(He said)
Organic tea’s a bit bitter,
(She said)
It’s very good for you,
(He said)
You nearly drowned today,
(She said)
You kept on reading chicklit,
(He said)
We could both die here,
(They said)
June 16th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Good morning The Rev Kev,
Yesterday in the parliament, you said nice things about the departing Big C.
What were you really thinking?
June 16th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Every Man is a Degenerate Island.
I have lost teeth and hair BUT I am not retracting my statement -
I AM HOT, HOT, HOT!
I know you are baby, I know you are…….just keep spitting out teeth and carry on! KJ.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Dear Chadwick,
Good Man!
You Got it in one: Old Carnts Carnt.
Absolutely!
However, as Dear Old Farty, once told me:
You know What? (No need to shout, Old Chap – I advised….O.F’s a touch deaf)
You know What?…..It takes one to know one.
ABSOLUTELY!
And the very first time I saw The Big C smirking over a cigar in the Melbourne Club I thought:
I know you. You’re one of us…..
And so we say farewell to:
The Man Who Carnt be PM……
Still smirkin’ after all these years……
Dear The Old Carnt,
And what’s the word around The Melbourne Club about The Big C’s future plans? I’ve heard he’s been lobbying for a very plum appointment: Adminstrator, Degenerate Island. KJ.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Today is Bloomsday…….the day when people all over the world play fiddles AND celebrate Mr J. Joyce’s glorious achievement, ‘Ulysses’.
I like Bloomsday ’cause I get to go completely out of character……’doing’ part of Molly Bloom’s Soliloquy at the Liverpool Library in Sydney’s west. Molly Bloom is irascible, frustrated, sexually manipulative, complex……MAGNIFICENT!!!
A note for those who’ve tried ‘Ulysses’ and, like many others, deemed it impenetrable. I used to think so too. THEN, I read bits of ‘Ulysses’ WITH a detailed guidebook on hand. Oh…..I see and I like what I see!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molly_Bloom’s_Soliloquy
Look Gwennie, NO full stops!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Currently, I am reading the historic Harvester decision of 1909.
Mr Justice Henry Higgins refused to accept that employers could NOT pay a fair wage just because they weren’t doing well.
He said: This financial crisis was not of their (the workers) making. They should not be deprived of the wage increases they need to meet their basic costs of living……
One hundred years later……
Hello all – just saw this – (British Airways asking people to work for zilch! -KJ)http://abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/06/17/2600233.htm
June 16th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
A super faculty meeting today. The new faculty manager introduced herself and then announced that her job was to re-invigorate communication channels between management and staff.
The Spray and Pray approach is not working! (she said) Instead we are going to go back to the simple print newsletter available in A5 in your nearest staff tea room.
No longer can our temple of learning be thought of as ‘Degenerate Island’.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Ah, another nail in the coffin for the old ‘Spray And Pray’. Was in widespread use in Leeton throughout the fifties, sixties and seventies. The results of ‘Spray And Pray’ can be seen in droves – shopping and handing out National Party flyers – on Pine Avenue on any Saturday. KJ.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Salve KJ!.
Watching 7.30 Report in a state of undress – a sure sign that true love is on the way to Degenerate Island across the broad back of the sea.
Curious to know how it was that the private parts came to be burned and required application of calamine lotion.
At least KJ no-one could accuse you (unlike James Joyce) of being impenetrable…
Dear Mr sigismundus dominus mathematiucus lunatus,
Mozzie: noun Colloquial – a mosquito. KJ
June 16th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Ahhh…..can I just butt in here. How did your Molly Bloom go down today KJ?
Oh Yes you may Greek and loving it, Oh yes you may……it went very well.
The only problem was the usual one – when I’m doing my Molly Bloom I lose all control over my body temperature.
‘I’ll tighten my bottom well and let out a few smutty words….smellrump or lick my shit or the first made thing that comes into my mind…’ (106 degrees, rising)
‘I’ll put on my best shift and drawers let him have a good eyeful out of that to make his mickey stand for him…’(107 degrees, rising)
‘o wait now sonny my turn is coming…’ (108 degrees and as usual, KJ falls off the podium. And as usual, a band of Irish fiddlers carts her off. Later, they will tell her that it was ‘greeeeat’….and ’surely to God next year, you’ll get to the end…’
June 17th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Dear The Rev Kev,
Time to thank you for what will be a lovely new school library.
On with those hard hats….
June 17th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Dear Meg,
…..The pleasure’s all mine.
As I said way back… way before Mr. Obama said: YES WE CAN……
The Rev Rev was saying:
Hi, I’m Kevin from Brissie…..and I’m here to help*
Incidentally KJ,
The really big news in Canberra is…..I’ve thrown away my hair dryer and I now shower in my hard hat.
(You carnt beat having a hardie in the shower)
I only wish I’d told you this before you went out to Liverpool yesterday.
(Good to see some of you ABC folk venturing out of the office, especially in this nasty weather)
For all of us in public life, appearances are sooo important. And going out with wet hair is just downright unprofessional.
I know you wouldn’t have let the side down at Liverpool – I must say I didn’t understand everything you said – but it’s got me curious. (T has promised to get me the book)
And you can go too far in these matters (I’m back on hair)…..
- For instance, personally, I wouldn’t be shacking up with a hairdresser (for one thing they never shuddup).
As I said at the begining:
I’m the Rev Kev
And I’m here to help….
*Now available in hardback, softback, face book, my space, your space, bluetooth, blackberry, twitter…..In ALL ABC Shops and as an online multi-platform gallery feature titled:
Hi, I’m The Rev Kev
GREAT POLITICAL SPEECHES OF THE 21st Century.
Gee The Rev Kev,
You’re full of beans this morning!…..busier than a barmaid at ‘Finnegan’s Wake’. Now, some advice – when T buys you ‘Ulysses’ (or perhaps a Brissie bookseller will lend you a copy) DON’T be frightened. If you run into trouble just give Barry Jones a call. He’s always telling everyone how bright he is. And when Barry starts reciting Molly (from memory) down the line, can you please, PLEASE record it for the National Archives…? KJ.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Dear KJ,
At least the happy couple didn’t go scuba diving!
Dear davo,
Right….NO scuba diving – just one spear fishing outing. Had to resurface when blood from the flesh wound started to attract the sharks. KJ.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Forget Degenerate Island – when a relationship is really in trouble a quick trip to Melbourne these days will surely spice things up.
A double dose of swine flu could keep you in bed together for days.
Or if you want to go a little riskier, live dangerously, put some real excitement into the relationship (not a la David Carradine), a coffee on Brunswick Road could do wonders.
Dear ferntree gully dreaming,
I’ve been out with many morans. No more. No more. KJ.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
In our family it’s always been ‘Pray Then Spray’. Another important cultural difference.
Dear Greek and loving it,
Let’s NOT forget CLASS differences. In my family it’s always been ‘Spray ‘n Wipe’. KJ.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
A question for Greek and loving it:
Did your forebears leave Kythera because it was a Degenerate Island?
June 18th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Attention, ATTENTION The Lonely Scholar.
PLEASE closely read the article below…..
And be assured that if YOU ever run the gauntlet of the authorities, THIS cyber community will stand by you (whoever you are, wherever you are……)
http://www.smh.com.au/technology/technology-news/blogging-policeman-has-no-right-to-anonymity-judge-rules-20090617-chyc.html
June 18th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Steady On My Dear…….
You Carnt say CLASS in Australia.
It simply doesn’t exist.
Everyone is MIDDLE CLASS in Australia.
We don’t want to get into the bother we had in the Old Country.
Look what happened to that chap Orwell.
Sound enough to start with…….went to Eton, then joined the Colonial Police BUT ended up measuring coal miners’ bedrooms in Wigan and washing dishes in Paris.
AND……..described himself as:
UPPER LOWER MIDDLE CLASS
Or was it……..
LOWER UPPER MIDDLE?
Dear ole The Old Carnt,
So George, like so many of his CLASS right up until the present day, enjoyed his gap year……..
But, I can’t talk. I come from a PRIVILEGED background. And the privileges include being able to spot an Old Carnt from fifty paces……
Take care, KJ.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Just to let you all know…..
Yesterday, I purchased a white sweater from St Vinnies. It is now at the dry cleaners.
So, The Magnet is now The Geriatric With Pretensions.
Dear The Magnet,
Please see my concerns about women of a certain age wearing white – and treble them….KJ.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Dear KJ,
I have a sneaking suspicion that that jaunt to The Little House On The Prairie was actually SET UP by the two degenerates who once rented a telly AND engaged in sexual activities resulting in physical injuries to both.
WHY?
……Jerry Springer was a bit short of DOWN UNDER perversity. What could be better?
Place The Contemptuous Pair on exotic location. Load ‘em up with lethal weapons – knives, a few casks of Moselle, a bed guaranteed to be the source of more hard core near death experiences.
Thistle Island provided a fantastic SET for this episode of Springer. It had ‘marauding frill-neck lizards the size of a cows’ and ‘blowies as big as chihuahuas’.
I am so glad that – as far as I know – this episode did not go to air.
(Does anyone really think that any frill-necked lizards actually had their eyes poked out?)
Dear Confused,
Absolutely NO set up. To tell you the truth, I still think things may work out for Mr and Mrs Contempt. KJ
June 18th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Dude,
What do you think?
June 19th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I missed you at the Press Gallery Midwinter Ball, but I did bump into a young chap who claimed to be working for Sophie Mirabella.
Sophie, as you know, is trying to attract women to join the Liberal Party.
Anyway this young cove – new to the job I understand – and I carnt say I liked the cut of his jib – started shouting at the statuesque woman standing next to me, making the most extraordinary lewd gestures about what I thought he said was:
The Tory Titty Test….
I was just about to say: YOU CARNT SAY THAT….when young Malcolm stepped in…I must say now Old Smirky’s off the stage Malcolm has really perked up.
First his great stand against cat strangling……and now he’s taking on the Tory Tit Men!
Exciting times – what’s next my dear?
The Old Carnt,
Tory Tittygate will go down as the low point of contemporary gender relations in Australia.
And ABC1 Television News was one of the few outlets to give it due attention – Tory Tittygate LEAD the 7pm bulletin last night. Iran, second.
* Would you like to take me to the Ball next year? KJ.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Dear Greek and loving it…….
I am happy your forebears came here….
I think they did so I could have a milkshake and mixed grill at my favourite cafe.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
As an officer and a gentleman, yes of course my dear, it would be my pleasure, absolutely to escort you to the ball.
Maybe we could make up a table – Lord Farty, Mark Scott, Captain Underpants. Strictly movers and shakers???
June 21st, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Hi The Magnet. Did you on the weekend attend a drumming trance dance event (I think you’d have to call it) in the Blue Mountains wearing your recently purchased white jumper?
June 21st, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Dear Dude,
Thank you and if he were alive my Uncle Tony would say to you the shop’s still open so why not have another you fat greedy skip? In the nicest possible way.