Email to:When Leeton’s Tequila Sunrise Turned Vulgar…….
How come nobody has FLINGS anymore?
Why must first daters (hands up all you GUILTY girls) even try to start a family that very night? It’s unseemly. Desperate. Pathethic. On the other hand, flings are the Beroccas of the mind and body….fizzy, life-affirming….ZINGY!
This is the story of my best-ever fling. A story of two lonely people from vastly different cultures thrown together for a fling underpinned by the natural rhythms of peach, apricot and pear seasons.
(The Leeton Soldiers’ Club. Saturday afternoon, Summer,1976………cr: xtlerclub: flickr)
It is also the story of my first (and last) semi-intimate experience with a YODELLER……..
In the late seventies, I was nearly killing myself on the two fruits line at the Letona Cannery Co-Operative: my waking moments spent hunched over a sea of brown rot indispersed with fruit. The job was to grab the brown rot, cutting it out with a purpose-built weapon, a Leeton cannery knife.
One morning (at precisely 6:54am) I was at the bundy clock in my gumboots and net hat. In went my time card…….Z…ZZ….ZZZZ……BIM…BIM….BIMMM…ZZZZ….ZZ…..ZZZZ….UP IT COMES! At the other bundy machine? .….Z…ZZ….ZZZZ……BIM…BIM….BIMMM…ZZZZ….ZZ…..ZZZZ…. UP IT COMES! - A GENTLEMAN!!!
He looked at me. Smiled. Me too. Big Time…….
I am Klaus…I have jest finissshed vorking, VORKING, all night making tins in ze tin shop. But tomorrow, NOO tins…..NO vork. Vould you like to have a drinnnk with me at za War Club?
Well Mr Klaus…..(you of the daggy fringe and dancing eyes) I would very much like to do zat…..take afternoon drinks at ze Soldiers’ Club. See you at four.
And with this……YODEL, OH-HOR-HOR, YODEL OH-HOR-HOR……he was off…….
This is what I learnt during out first assignation at ze War Club.
* That the War Club was well-advised to urgently review its stocks of tequila (up until then, one bottle was kept just in case a trade delegation of Mexicans ever visited the cannery to see whether Letona’s famed tomato puree was indeed suitable for taco sauce).
* That Mr Klaus’ father was a famous Viennese orthopaedic surgeon whose patient list consisted solely of celebrities flown in by helicopter to his clinic from all over Europe after near-fatal skiing accidents.
* That Mr Klaus was in his FOURTEENTH year of a medical degree. All he had to do to fulfil his father’s dream of completion was sit his final examinations. BUT, this was NEVER going to happen.
I am not inteeerested in ze shattered bodee. I am inteeerested in ze complete bodee. And when ze complete bodee YODELS, it is as iiiif I can just make out ze face of God…….My Dad’s dream is not my dream. My dream is to win ze yodelling contest in Switzerland. Understand……?
Understand!? After five tequilas and locally produced orange juice, I not only UNDERSTOOD, I was on my way to Switzerland with a suitcase packed with Butter Menthols and Throaties to nurse my honey bun through the rigors of competitive yodelling at the highest of levels.
After our Saturday afternoon tequila drinks parties, our fling routine was set. A bicyle ride through the beautiful Walter Burley Griffin designed streetscape of Leeton. O, how we laughed one time when the yodelling Mr Klaus lost control on Leeton’s only incline, Pine Avenue, ending up spread-eagled on the grassy knoll around the War Monument.
Now, I know why all zee men had to die….so I may live (my little KJ) so I may live……..
But Summer (as per usual) turned to Autumn and with that, no-more fruit to be cut out from the brown rot. The huge machines at the Cannery spluttered to a halt.
And with the Viennese Medical Registration Board examinations over for another year, Klaus was preparing to return home to re-enrol in advanced yodelling classes.
All flings are marked by final precious moments…….and ours was NO different…..
After Mr Klaus bundied off (7am) for the last time, we cycled to Mountford Park armed with tequila and grenadine (specially ordered in by the chaps at the local bottlo). On a secluded seat near the endangered swamp duck enclosure, Tequila Sunrises were taken.
And if I died tomorrow, I can surely say: I HAVE BEEN YODELLED TO………..
And God have mercy, there was passion that can only be ignited by imminent separation. My tie-dye silk Indian shirt was rendered ripped. My hair, almost uprooted. My upper lip, split. All pretence of dignity gone in a haze of frantic hands…..indispersed by yodelling.
I left Mountford Park with NO regrets. Turning once to wave, I made a strange muffled yodelling sound. (Yee-ha-ho-ho….)
In the fresh sunlight, I teatered along Pine Avenue.
Then suddenly, a voice….GWENNIE’S. She was on the go early for a perm appointment.
Look at you KJ, look at you…….DRUNK at 8:30 in the morning WITH your top in tatters….YODELLING! ( AND…. exactly when did you start yodelling?) YODELLING like a tart……have you NO shame? NO family pride? This is as VULGAR a display as ever I have seen……Vulgar, vulgar, VULGAR. GO HOME NOW!
I did. Feeling deeply, deeply satisfyingly VULGAR…….aready having deeply vulgar fantasies.
Always the hallmark of a successful fling……….
*********************************************************
So….I’m feeling very vulgar, very sentimental. I wish I could have more opportunities to be vulgar…….but that’s life. How’s yours progressing? Or maybe it’s going backwards? Love to know…….Trigger words: fling, vulgar, yodel, Emissions Trading Schemes, tequila, Vienna……your own? (Only rule is they have to be in Australia’s National Dictionary, The Macquarie).
****************************************************
THE GINGER MAN’S WAR ON NOTHING IN PARTICULAR
(cr:Mary Godwin:flickr)
****It’s terrible to report but THE GINGER MAN is in deep trouble….
There’s been shocking news overnight on the international crime-fighting front. To recap, TGM is indulging in his very own vulgar ’Foyle’s War’ fantasy BUT I fear that this time, he has gone TOO far.
Just WHO is his driver?
Is she really ’Sam’/Honeysuckle Weeks? WHY did she drop him on the lonely Lachlan Plain in the middle of the night?
Why did she leave a boning knife on a barbed wire fence? AND WHY did she suddenly return? Why, WHY, WHY did TGM get back into the car?
Should the RSPCA be informed that TGM is in a car with Soldier Girl AND Five Super Puppies, their mum, Fetsina (nee Brekkie) and Australia’s first fox-dingo cross, Fingo……?
The woeful sequence of events continues in the comments section. Yes, Sir!
(cr: capn mad matt: flickr)******ALL commenters go for it!! Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it
Prawn Cutlet Award
July 27th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I found out early that women adore yodellers.
At first meeting if the conversation lags, I just start yodelling……..delighting my special companion and the whole restaurant.
Dear The Dude,
Schnitzels all round please! KJ.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Dearest Friend KJ,
I must get straight to the point.
KJ, the reason that some of us are ‘desperate’, ‘pathetic’, is the phenomenon known as The Biological Clock.
Fizzies do not reverse that!!
Love you as always,
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
I know, I know……Beroccas – or even Fruit Tingles – won’t slow down a biological clock. BUT, if you keep getting yourself too wound up, your dreams will surely come to nought……
And DO remember: instant gratification does have its place. KJ.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
KJ,
Yodel away, yodel away…….AND…….
You may end up on Eurovision Song Contest.
July 27th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Dear The Ginger Man,
I have contacted The RSPCA and Amnesty International.
Advice: Leave Soldier Girl immediately; take the Five Super Puppies, Festina and Fingo to safe cell.
Better Be Home Soon……
Not Bloody Marvellous!
July 27th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
SHE TAUGHT ME TO YODEL
(Frank Ifield)
CLICK ‘ERE NOW:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_KSzCCIu5Y
I went across to Switzerland
Where all the Yodellers be
To try to learn to yodel
With my yodel-oh-ee-dee
I climbed a big high mountain……..
ETC, ETC, ETC…………….
July 27th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Dateline: London
(Ralph Blur Filing……..)
Scotland Yard detectives are preparing to fly to Australia in search for a female serial killer they have dubbed Soldier Girl.
They say the woman drives a military-style vehicle and dresses in a wartime uniform.
She is estimated to be in her mid-thirties, and affects an upper-class accent.
Detectives raided her home in Godalming, Surrey and took possession of a large number of video cassettes of the TV series, Foyle’s War, and of films starring Deborah Kerr.
They also raided a hideout in a disused portion of Bletchley Park, where it is understood her mother worked during World War II.
Police believe the woman came to Australia after a series of murders in the Home Counties.
Dr Nancy Trisher, a criminal psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, attributes much of the gender divide to societal perceptions of female murderers.
Trisher wrote in her most recent book, The Blood-Spattered Glass Ceiling……
People are still uncomfortable with, and often feel threatened by, the idea of a woman slitting open a stranger’s throat and watching him drown in his own blood……
July 27th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I am The Under The Table Top Man…..
I Yodel too.
I Yodel good……..
July 27th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Dear KJ,
I’m ashamed to say that I slept in this morning – didn’t hop out of the cot until 4am, whereas, as you know, I’m usually up and about and at my desk around 3.30am.
Truth is KJ, I’m feeling a touch down. Yes, I know I had a wonderful holiday which I spent writin’ a 6,000 word essay telling it like it is, and……….
You know what?
You know what?
You know what?
People don’t wanna know……
They’d rather talk footy, or F1, or Foyle’s driver, or flirtin’!
Yours,
(A little hurt), The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Don’t worry! We all read the THE essay. A stunning clutch of contemporary pontifications (made even more stunning) by the fact that THE author is up and about 21 hours a day on a nutritional regime of just 380 calories. I particularly enjoyed the ‘Infrastructure’ and ‘The Ideological Hypocrisy Of The Right’ sections. My prediction? A Honorary Doctorate from The University Of QL before years end. KJ.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
KJ,
I do know each of the following words that you proffer as triggers: fling, vulgar, yodel, tequila, Vienna, ETS.
I’ve been to Vienna, but I’ve never been to Emissions Trading Scheme.
You could save me investing in a Macquarie Dictionary by merely giving a succinct explanation of The Rev Kev’s proposed ETS.
I await.
Me too. KJ.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:03 am
How did you manage to get a Hun into the Soldiers’ Club in 1976? Did you say he was from Deniliquin?
Dear Roma Street,
Firstly, I must tell you that I NEVER once brought up the annexation of Austria to Germany in 1938. I thought it NOT my place.
Now THE question……..signing in at the War Club was NO problem for Klaus. Because he would always start yodelling loudly as soon as we entered the foyer, doormen always assumed he was Swiss.
I’m wondering – did you ever experience the unique pleasures of a fruit season generated fling with an exotic (perhaps Nordic) picker or process worker? KJ.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:48 am
You nailed it again KJ , an everything topped off with a big slice of guilt, just the way RCs like it.
Now coming back to KJ’s theme of ‘what makes people tick?’, most people are sitting inside their head looking out.
This makes it very hard to explain how their world differs from other people’s worlds. In other words, though slightly differently, the philosophical problem of other minds.
Dear Mr O’Slatter,
You may be interested to know that this year, I’m attempting to live GUILT-FREE. Will He EVER, ever forgive me? KJ.
July 28th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
VULGARITY
Two-hundred-grand for a diamond,
Made from Beethoven’s twisted locks,
Now also – from Michael Jackson’s,
Wow!
How much for the prosthetic nose, boys?
And who’s the top bidder for the cock?
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/07/25/2636158.htm
July 28th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
TGM,
Chin up!
Soldier Girl is NO match for a Bletchley Boy….
Still, I’m hoping a vulnerable soul such as yourself didn’t watch Spooks, last night.
It was just TOO much – a gentle granny look-alike showing great expertise with a garrotte.
Soldier Girl’s great-grandmother?
July 28th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I found it strange that when my Dad got back from the Second World War he went down to the Returned Servicemen’s Club.
No man ever really returns from a war.
Certainly NOT as the man who went away.
Dear Chadwick,
Mr O’Slatter’s ponderings on ‘other minds’ are of use here. Methinks. KJ.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
KJ – No, but one of my school friends did get beaten up by a bloke who the Americans would call a carnie, but who we would refer to as a showie.
Speaking of seasonal workers, I’m informed by my mother that grave fears are held for a couple of fruit-picking Korean backpackers who have disappeared from Stanbridge, near Leeton.
The words ‘Korean’, ‘backpackers’ and ‘Stanbridge’ were not ones I ever expected to use in the same sentence.
Dear Roma Street,
I wasn’t aware of the case of the missing young Koreans until you reported in. I’ve had a look at the stories. Is not looking good at all. KJ.
http://www.smh.com.au/national/irrigation-channels-searched-for-missing-pair-20090728-dzfd.html
* July 29th, ABC News:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/07/29/2640328.htm
July 29th, 2009 at 8:10 am
BACK IN THE CAR ON THE LONELY LACHLAN PLAIN……………
Pardon me for asking, Samantha……but do you like poetry?
Yes, Sir.
Personally, I’m more for painting. Probably Blunt’s influence. Poor old Sharpie.
I like poetry, Sir.
Anything in particular?
Schaeffer, Sir.
Schaeffer?
Susan Fromberg Schaeffer. Writes rhymes about Ruines of the Toad.
Well, Samantha if she was in the North, she’d have lots to write about. Lots of Toads there.
She writes about English toads, Sir. Not Cane Toads.
An example?
Love is hard to find
And harder to keep.
There was an old woman
Who lost her love.
As surely as coins falling out
Of a hole in her purse.
She lived alone
On the outskirts of town’
Cleaning her house
And sometimes, if she stared
Into her pots
The scouring scratches
Would form into his face
Then she would cook in it,
And eat.
And she would not be alone.
Extraordinary material, Samantha. Any more?
Yes, Sir.
Well, please do go on………
She had heard that her husband
Was the toad of the hill,
And she believed this so firmly
She mottled her hands
Into toadskin
To be always near him…….
Mottled her skin? What did she DO to him? Carve him and serve him at dinner and put his skin on the door like that woman in the Hunter Valley? The police never worked again after they saw that…..
Please be serious, Sir. It’s a lovely poem. It means a lot to me.
Sorry, Samantha. Please continue.
When she died
He came for her
And carried her off on his back
Before even the doctor could come……
Is that all?
Yes, Sir.
Thank you, Samantha.
You’re welcome, Sir……
July 29th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Amore, Amore KJ,
That Mr Klaus, I don’t think is good for you. Why he yodel instead of saying beautiful words?
I use dictionary, look at that word VULGAR.
That Mr Klaus is vulgar. Where is vulgar man now?
Fabio will say these words to him: Mr Klaus you are not nice man…….
Mr Ginger, you be careful, real careful. That Soldier Girl is crazy thing. Real crazy.
Dear Fabio,
I know your heart’s in the right place…BUT Mr Klaus was NEVER vulgar – high-spirited?, YES, vulgar? NO.
Mr Berlusconi (on the other hand) is vulgar, VERY vulgar. KJ.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Dear TGM,
Are you still alive…..?
I’ve changed my tune – The Pathological Poet (Soldier Girl) is capable of anything: ANYTHING!!!!!
PS: Were there any yodelling-based codes broken at Bletchley?
July 29th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Came downstairs as an Act Of Courage……
Had been asleep since Saturday when I read your essay The Rev Kev.
The doctor says I’ve been in a coma.
Welcome back The Knuckle! (Business as usual at your place eh?) KJ.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
The GINGER MAN AND SOLDIER GIRL PRESS ON…..
Samantha?
Sir?
Do you have the faintest idea of where we are? We are in the Mountains, not the Plain.
So we are, Sir.
Stop the car, please, Samantha while I take a bearing.
Yes, Sir.
Do you know anything about sextants?
Sex, Sir?
No. Sextants like this one from the old days at Bletchley.
Let’s see, there’s the Evening Star. OK………We are at Mount Yodel.
Mount Yodel?
Yes. Discovered 1832 by Jean-Pierre Klaus Schwarzenheim, Swiss explorer. It is named after the mountaineer who plunged to his death right here soon after his discovery….
Horrible, Sir.
Yes. They never found his body. Local legend is that he yodelled his way all the way down….
Do they know anything about him?
Yes. He was drummed out of the Swiss Guards in the Vatican. Man just could not stop yodelling. Would get up on the dome of the Basilica in the middle of a Pontifical High Mass and go YOH-DOH-LAY-DEE-DO..
There’s a big chasm below us. A canyon. Let me show you….YOH-DOH-LAY-DEE-DO….
There’s something wrong with the handbrake, Sir!
Fellas….Fetsina (nee Brekkie), Fingo, The Five Super Puppies……OUT of the vehicle!
YOH-DOH-LAY-DEE-DO…….
Oh, Samantha……Oh, no! Fare thee well. Requiescat in Pace. Those Bletchley Park parachutists were heroines. Requiescat in Pace….
An inauspicious beginning for the Mount Yodel Festival………
July 30th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Ralph Blur of Channel Ten News with a Newsflash……
The body of a female military driver has been recovered by Police Rescue Squad abseilers after a bizarre event that has marred the opening of the Mount Yodel Festival.
Detectives from Scotland Yard in London have joined in the investigation. They have taken possession of an abattoir boning knife.
I spoke a short moment ago to the organizer, Mr G.I.N. German.
(Mr German – to camera…..)
Samantha was testing the echo effects of the Canyon below the mountain, when the handbrake on the vehicle released, and she plunged to her death. We are all very shocked at the premature death of a very beautiful young woman. The Five Super Puppies are shocked too…..
(Close up of dogs….)
Blur: Will this mean the cancellation of the Festival?
Mr German: No. Samantha would like the show to go on. She was descended from a famous family of female parachutists who parachuted into Nazi Germany on secret missions. Their motto was DENTA VINCIT, Teeth Conquer. We shall not give up our efforts to create a Festival that will bring the art of yodelling into every Australian home.
Blur: A demonstration, Sir?
(Shot of Mr German at brink of canyon…)
YOH-DOH-LAY-DEE-DO……
Ralph Blur Reporting.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
FARE-YE-yoh-WELL-doh-MY-lay-dee-do-LOVELY!
July 31st, 2009 at 12:22 am
Dearest Meg,
You are Act One at the Mount Yodel Festival. Thank you.
I am calling you:
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo,ohyouooooooooooooooo…….
Will you answer?
Sooooooooooooooooohtrueoooooooooooooooooooooo…….
Will you teach the self-trained pilots to:
Yooooooooooooodeoooooooodledeayyyyyyyyyohohdeodledeaaaaaaaaaay…..?
Perhaps they are too young to Yodel down the Grand Canyon………
July 31st, 2009 at 12:27 am
FLASHBACK. Here’s an old clip of KJ and her sisters yodelling their hearts out at Leeton Town Hall.
Not only that, they taught the boys the Art of Yodelling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WijPiUhIzJU
July 31st, 2009 at 12:41 am
AND……..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDDEk2AMJAI&NR=1
August 1st, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Hi KJ,
Can I just say?
I’m beginning to feel a little sorry for Malcolm.
I mean…..
Have you seen his?
http://www.smh.com.au/national/young-head-for-poverty-turnbull-20090731-e4fr.html
I had a look this morning – pathetic.
Hardly anything there at all.
Compared to mine (which I notice many including your friend Mr Knuckle) have been deeply affected by……and if I read Mr K right……….
I think he was saying: MINE was a knock out.
I know size isn’t everything KJ, and content counts……
But you know what?
With The Rev Kev,
You get the full package: SIZE & CONTENT!
(Why else am I Mr Obama’s very best friend in the whole wide world?)
God Bless Australia!
I remain,
Ever umbly yours,
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
You may be interested to know that I was at my local newsagency at 5am desperate to read Malcolm’s treatise.
Try as I may, I can’t think of another country where leaders have morphed into duelling Bertrand Russells – this is public intellectualism at its finest!
May I quote from Malcolm?
We know the Prime Minister is never short of a word. But it this Prime Minister’s actions for which Australians will pay the heaviest price…..
FIGHTING words – AND from a man expecting an Australian Story generated-return-to-dignity in the polls.
Mummy may NOT be coming back BUT Malcolm just might!
* When’s the novella coming out? KJ.
August 1st, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Dear TGM,
Soooooooooooooooo oh trueoooooooooooooooooooooo…….
Yes, YES – consider me booked as the opening act of the Mount Yodel Festival – ON THE PROVISO THAT EVERYONE REMAINS SEATED!
August 1st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
The Rev Kev,
I am deeply suspicious of world leaders who indulge in those so-called breakfast meetings.
If you can’t do the job in normal hours, you’re an incompetent idiot.
As for ‘24/7′ The Rev Kev, what does that say about you?
On the other hand, Ronnie Reagan slept in until midday every day.
August 1st, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Dear Mr Dude,
You’re sooooo right about breakfast – so yesterday.
Who’s got time for brekky, when there’s so much to do?
You know what?
- I usually get by on a packet of Japanese seaweed flavoured chippies to see me through to lunchtime – works a treat.
Yours in haste,
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
This is new…this is new. So now, you’re GLUTEN and fat-free…KJ.
August 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
The Rev Kev,
A high iodine intake from Japanese seaweed biscuits can have a serious impact on the frontal lobes.