The Librarians
While I have never got on well with bosses, I do pride myself on being a reasonably hard worker. I turn up, I smile and because it’s Radio National, I’ll even occasionally demonstrate unbounded enthusiasm by yelling across the office:
That’s a bloody good IDEA Sonia, a bloody good idea. Well done you Sonia, well done you!!!!
But, I have NOT always been SO engaged, SO productive…..
The reality is that once I had a job which I made a total hash of……
(cr: here’s kate: flickr)
I’ve already told you that my first attempt at tertiary education ended in disgrace after just three weeks.
In the emotional chaos that followed I, like Spider-Man, eventually had to land somewhere. KJ lobbed right onto the fringes of Sydney, right into the book stacks of The HG Daley Library in Campbelltown. The book lover had suddenly turned professional: Library Assistant Grade 19.
From day one, my new job was wrong, DEAD WRONG…….
For starters, I thoroughly enjoy working with men, NEVER following the ‘no office romance’ rule (I ask you: where else is IT gonna come from?)
At the library, fifteen women with absolutely NO control over their body temperatures: the fertile, the peri-menopausal, the peri-very menopausal, the paused-menopausal, the obviously-stark-raving mad-menopausal, the poste-haste-menopausal, the post-way-past-the-post-menopausal……..
Head Librarian, Mavis Shipton, was also dealing with personal climate change dramas but she determined NOT to let biological determinism get in her way…..
Mrs Shipton quickly realised that her new Library Assistant Grade 19 – while having a stable body temperature - was worse than hopeless……
KJ, you MUST collect overdue fees, you must….
But Mrs Shipton, Hec always told me: ‘Never ask anyone for money.’ I CANNOT demand (even without menaces) 15 cents from pensioners….I just CANNOT.
KJ, I’ve also been told that NO matter how much you are shown, NO matter how hard you try, you are a book DESTROYER and we all know what history tells us about those…..
….You CANNOT cover a book, you have no control over the material loved and respected by all true librarians, ‘contact’. Bubble wrap, bubble wrap, BUBBLE WRAP - you are, by default, a book bubble wrapper, bubble wrapper, BUBBLE WRAPPER….!!
Because of my bright personality, Mrs Shipton decided the community would be best served if I was out of the library - spreading the joys of the written word to the poor, the disenfranchised, the infirm. Only problem - a Bookmobile operator needed a driver’s licence.
Enter Leslie Lennox, the only man in Australia who used a Valiant Charger at his owner-operated precision Driving School……
The reason being KJ if you can park THIS, control THIS on the open road, you can drive anything……
Leslie found it hard to concentrate on the job at hand. He was all fired up. For these were turbulent times in Australian political history.
That Malcolm Fraser is a turd……that John Kerr is a turd……they’ re all turds KJ…..WATCH OUT!!! WATCH OUT KJ!!! Boy Oh Boy, that was close!!! In fact, I can’t think of bigger turds …..WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT!!!!!!
I NEVER took the wheel of the Campbelltown Community Bookmobile……
Meanwhile, the workplace pressures intensified……..
But there were some bright spots. I had a couple of innocent dates with a handsome, self-possessed fella who turned up at the library announcing: I am the Council’s first Community Social Planner.
The library ladies flushed and blushed on my behalf……..
They even arranged a special ‘welcome honey’ night out for THE Social Planner – drinks at a well-known bikie pub. In the car after, silence. Mr Social Planner – who was to go onto a stellar career as an ALP politician – knew that campaign posters of him sitting around a bikie pub with the library ladies wasn’t quite the thing.
I called a halt to my library career before Mrs Shipton had the chance to. I’m a unionist but – in relation to me - I really think she would have had a case.
All things considered, the library ladies were very kind, very understanding…
I was 18, Dewey Decimal STRICT ORDERING incapable, subsisting on Woolies ham steaks, pineapple and coleslaw in a downtown flatette and was on my fifth cycle of reading every Mills and Boons – Scoop me up, gently brush my bosom and take me away from all this Tristan – EVER published.
My farewell? A beautiful night out (hubbies included) crawling the strip joints of Kings Cross.
The Campbelltown Library Ladies taught me one great lesson:
THINGS AIN’T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM…….
* Trigger words: Libraries, wrong job, job anxiety, books, wonderful weirdos…….and speaking of them, please report in on anything happening (appalling or wondrous) on your patch. Particularly interested in anyone who’s sighted Malcolm T of late – how’s he bearing up in the flesh?
(cr: capn mad matt: flickr)
* And congratulations to The Ginger Man. He ran himself ragged during Science Week for the groundbreaking ‘Klytorian Chronicles’ but he’s still up and at it – ON THE ROAD AGAIN! You’d be a fool unto yourself NOT to follow his adventures in the comments section.
Comment of the Week
August 24th, 2009 at 11:00 am
KJ……while on the subject of books,
I am looking forward to ‘The Turnbull Diaries’ – a companion for ‘The Latham Diaries’.
The sub-title for Malcom T’s effort is ‘Beyond Belief’.
Dear The Dude – ‘The Banker Went Wild?’
*Mark Latham used to live in Campbelltown with Janine and their two kids. He got a place a bit further out after HIS very own career troubles.
KJ.
August 24th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Oh Boy, is it good to see you all beavering away here after my five-week absence in a secret eastern location.
I am dying to…(whoops, dropped my pencil there for a moment) POST.
Just have to work out what to write in this more natural state.
You see I’ve been DRIED OUT – interpret as you will. I hope that my contribution is not too affected.
Dear Greek & loving it,
Welcome back!
We are all broad minded in here. If someone has dried out, dried up or even dried apricots, we don’t mind.
To have a Twelve Stepper in here is – quite frankly – MORE than I could ever have hoped for. KJ.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
SOMEWHERE NEAR LEETON……..
In the dark silence, I called to them…..
Fingo! Festina! The Five Super Puppies!
Ssshhhhhhh, they are sleeping.
Time to go.
No time for farewells, they are too painful. I am used to them, but they still hurt.
How to get out of here?
Through the bush bounded a large red creature.
Boing, boing, boing…….
We piled on his back and took off.
Meet our new Friend.
KANGA.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Came downstairs as An Act Of Courage.
Saw the post about women at work.
Things unchanged here. My doona is now ARMOUR-PLATED.
Dear The Knuckle,
After all this time, could I ask you this?
Are you happy? KJ.
August 24th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
Pleased you’re back….
On the matter of drying out, you have a brother.
I am waiting for National Fluid Retention Week.
Dear The Dude,
It’s always good to have something to look forward to.
The bad news is that we’ve ALL just missed the FREE activities surrounding National Continence Awareness Week:
http://www.continence.org.au/site/index.cfm?display=130383
August 24th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
SOMEWHERE NEAR LEETON……..Someone is missing….
Foxie, Mother of Fingo.
I looked up. The Pink Spaceship, Klytoria, was still in sight and from it came a happy yowel.
Orooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Leda at last has found a true friend from Earth, and Foxie a home.
Fingo threw back his head and responded to Mum..
Orooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Message received and understood, Wilco, out. 10-4.
As Chief Monk would say: De lub hab it, yesirreebobtruedat!
August 25th, 2009 at 2:58 am
Dear Greek and loving it,
More support for you….
How to dry out in Malaysia
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/08/24/2665530.htm
August 25th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Oh Lordy Lordy Miss KJ, Lordy, Lordy!
You write of a handsome self-possessed fella you dated in your girlhood, a man who went on to have a stellar career as an ALP politician.
It sounds very much like me.
I know it wouldn’t be Richo or Old Silver or Biffo, but you know what?
When I was a young fella I didn’t have time for girls – when I didn’t have my head stuck in a text book, I was cleaning out Laurie Oakes’ place and then there was Church.
On a completely different matter KJ, can I just say that a post last week by one of your correspondents suggesting that Don Bradman was a woman was in extremely poor taste, and has had unforeseen consequences.
My sources tell me that it happened like this: Mo tweeted the scandalous suggestion to Warney on the eve of the Fifth Test.
Warney texted Pigeon who put it up on Facebook where Junior picked it up and Tweeted Punter who read it out to the whole team before start of play on Day One.
Naturally the team fell apart and the rest is history.
Thankfully with the Rev Kev at the helm I think the nation will pull through, but please be more careful in the future KJ…..and if The Don’s knickers are out there floating around in cyberspace, let’s pull them in asap and get them mounted for the nation in the Bradman Museum at Bowral.
We’ll get through this crisis if we all pull together.
Let Us Pray.
Amen.
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
You’re right about Richo – I never, ever went on that LOVE BOAT……..though I did go on the Campbelltown Library float at the Fisher’s Ghost Festival.
On the other matter, IF The Don’s knickers are floating around, there’s a problem with identification. My understanding is that the old coot wasn’t exactly generous when it came to signing personal memorabilia – TOO TIGHT!
* Please tell Gary Handjob that the Leeton Crows are finals bound……KJ.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Good Morning Kev The Kanga,
You are 100% Australian just like this blogsite.
What could be MORE Australian than TGM, Fingo and The Five Super Puppies riding on the back of Kev The Kanga singing…..
Six White Boomers……
The Don’s Very Big Bloomers…….
August 25th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
KJ,
The only Twelve Stepping I will ever do will is for the Kalamatianos…..
Thank you The Dude for the Malaysian connection. Hopefully things won’t come to that if I fall off the donkey.
I don’t know if you are aware of this KJ but it is National Book Week.
I only know this because I’m sweating it on the kids getting home and – as the case every year – demanding that I create costumes based on their latest favorite book characters for tomorrow’s book parade.
There’ll be tears and tears before bedtime.
Dear Greek and loving it,
I’m sorry I’m not at the Campbelltown Library for National Book Week. Would have given out at a special prize for the kid in the costume with NOTHING to do with ‘Harry Potter’.
What Step are you up to in the Kalamatianos? KJ.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Dear KJ,
You ask: Am I happy?
Yeah, when I’m under the doona…….
August 25th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Back downstairs As An Act Of Courage – with another thought.
National Book Week?
At present, I’d find it hard to get though ‘Hedi’.
Back to the man-eatin’ doona.
Dear The Knuckle,
You need to get out. I’d like to see you turn up tomorrow at Greek and loving it’s local school in a ‘Hedi’ costume. KJ.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Errrrrroooow!
Blue light flashing. The siren. Clump of heavy boots on bitumen……
Good evening, Sir. Are you the driver of this kanga?
Yes.
Please alight from the kanga.
Have you been drinking tonight, Sir?
No, there are no absinthe bars in space.
Do you realise, Sir you were going 55 kph in a 50 kph zone?
No. I am sorry.
Do you have a kanga licence?
No. I am just learning.
I pointed to the P plate on the tail of Kanga.
Well, I’ll let you off with a caution. Please be careful. There are humans on this road. Watch for the sign, Humans Crossing Here.
Thank you officer.
SIX WHITE BOOMERS, SNOW WHITE BOOMERS…THE DON’S BLOODY BIG BLOOMERS…..
August 25th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I think I’ll paint
Myself with woad,
Take a trip down Albert Road…….
And cure the shrinks
Of all their ills,
With bottles of gin
And Michael Jackson’s pills,
So long as I can
Pay their bills.
So what the Dickins
Am I doing here?
Learning
Living
Loving
Or seeking Thrills?
Should I adopt an old cane toad
And head right down to Albert Road?
Tri-Polar Man’s comin’ in…..
Lock up your daughters,
And hide the gin.
August 26th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Australia is looking for a new label:
http://www.smh.com.au/travel/lost-for-words-australia-craves-a-brand-new-label-20090825-ey3n.html
How bout?
Australia – The Land of Bilk and Money
or:
It’s Great, and We wouldn’t Lie to you, Mate….
This site I am proud to say is 100 PER CENT AUSTRALIAN – just like this bloke:
http://movies.apunkachoice.com/names/pet/peter_shaw/cid_208153/videos/ceytid/BiNuAbNXz-Q/six-white-boomers-avi.html
Dear The Dude,
ALL ROADS LEAD TO LEETON. KJ.
August 26th, 2009 at 8:33 am
While I enjoy watching The Librarians and get the occasional laugh, let me tell you it’s no fun having one in the family.
Whilst ’studying’ to be a teacher, my sister came to work at the campus library.
Woe was Meg.
My folks knew exactly what assignments were due and by what date. Also known was the absence of Meg at the library to complete same.
Worse than that, somehow she also knew whether I’d actually turned up to lectures anytime within the last month.
Things got progressively worse when I had to live with the librarian……
Dear Megsy,
Oh dear – I know what ya mean. The Campbelltown Library ladies FILED everything: shopping lists, notes on changing bra sizes and hormone levels and yes, divorce papers.
Now tell us, what was the very worst thing about actually living with a librarian? KJ.
August 26th, 2009 at 8:46 am
FOR MICHAEL JACKSON
There, said the doc,
I told you I’d get you to sleep…
And so you did without a peep.
Needles and pills and Seven Up…..
I did not promise, however,
You’d ever wake up……..
August 26th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Dear KJ,
When I was a kid, Leeton library was an exciting place.
It was the first second storey, or should I say mezzanine level building I ever encountered.
Loved running up and down those stairs.
……Probably the reason why the children’s section was relocated to ground level.
Dear Ex-Leetonite,
You may remember that before the sophistication of the MEZZANINE configuration, the Leeton Library was in an old tiny building – now the site of a service station – in Chelmsford Place.
This was a beautiful place to spend time in – books crammed up the walls, wooden ladders provided so you could reach the top of the shelves and a couple of ladies who looked liked Dickens in drag.
I also rate Leeton’s current library (named after the local military hero Major Dooley), highly. It’s resources on all-things irrigation are second to none. KJ.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Just reporting in…..
Sent to school this morning – for the Book Week Parade – one nine year old costumed at his request as an assassin!
Now yes, I have a library tale.
Many years ago I was invited to a 21st birthday party…..
The birthday boy was a training to be a farrier, and lived on his parents’ property on the road to The Rock out from Collingullie.
A whole lot of people with a whole lot of beer turned up, BUT not the birthday boy. He hadn’t returned home from a night out with his friends the evening before, his ute still parked by a pub kerb in downtown Wagga Wagga.
The celebration was eventually cancelled by disappointed parents and – as their anger turned to concern – a search was launched for the missing young man.
The town and the district were scoured with no success.
The local newspaper took up the story – it was, of course, the talk of the town.
Three weeks later, an elastic-sided riding boot floated to the top of a small pond directly outside the front entrance of the Wagga Wagga Library – the body had been there the whole time right in the busiest part of town. Half the town had eaten their lunchtime sandwiches staring at a watery grave.
I don’t think the details of his death ever (excuse the pun) surfaced……
I’d be very pleased if someone could tell me if the mystery was ever solved. Ex-Leetonite or Roma Street perhaps?
Dear Greek and loving it,
I have no memory of this very grim saga. But, I will investigate as a matter of urgency.
* Do hope the assassin enjoyed the Book Parade.
KJ.
August 26th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Dear KJ my friend,
I spend much time at my local library.
Sometimes, while choosing a book (something by Alain de Botton perhaps?) I also get distracted by chaps who – it would seem – resemble your Social Planner.
Sadly, I have NEVER secured a date in the library – NOR at union meetings.
Love,
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
NOT one to boast but I have secured dates at BOTH venues….
‘The working class can kiss my arse
I’ve got the date from heaven at last!’ KJ.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Dear The Chief Monk,
Can you provide your recommended reading list for National Book Week?
Yesirreebobtruedat!
August 26th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Dear KJ
It’s the Rev Kev here, the PM who’s putting the Rev back into REV O lutionary
As I think another great Kev (Costner – pity abut the hair cut!) once said:
THE PEOPLE WILL COME….
……AND I really think the people are coming on board the Kevolution.
Now I know you folk never do ads at the ABC (unless it’s a book, then you practically wet yourselves!)
But I’m wondering why you didn’t include one of the greatest breakthroughs of our times in Science week………..
Yes, I’m talking BUM CAM…..
My staffers have just handed me my Media Monitor results. Have a look:
http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSTRE57P0H320090826
When I get a spare moment (probably sometimes in 2011 at the pace I’m going) I’m going to give it a go.
T keen too!
God Bless Australia!
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Will you be introducing a Bill to install Bum Cam in both Houses Of Parliament? I’m Kerry O’Brien. Good evening and welcome to Bum Cam…..KJ.
August 26th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Sorry about Ted’s death.
He was unfortunate to grow up lacking Leeton driving, diving and social skills.
Bring her back, son. Always bring her back.
How many cars is that now, sonny Jim?
Eight, including Grandma’s Corolla.
All in the Irrigation Canal…..
Say this for you son, YOU BROUGHT HER BACK IF NOT THE BLOODY CAR…..
Dear The Dude,
You’re right! ESSENTIAL growin’ up stuff. KJ.
August 26th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Dear De Comer MissMeatTrayjesjokin…!
Can I give de reading list?
Betcha. True dat!!!!
Here de are……my top five.
Beginning SPIN.
Which Way Does Water SPIN Down a Drain?
Pole Dancing For Beginners: The Fireman SPIN.
How To Pull Off The Michael Jackson SPIN.
All tru – Yesirreebobtruedat!
August 27th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Dear KJ
Re: Installation of Bum Cams in both Houses of Parliament – exellent idea – consider it done!
*Have you ever given thought to a career in politics? I have a good friend in NSW – let’s call him Eddie – on the look out for leadership material….
Expect a call soon, but, can I just say my dear – steer clear of Captain Underpants – he’s nothing but trouble……
Had a dream last night – green shoots and Bum Cams sprouting up all over this fair land.
We have nothing to fear except fear itself.
Goodnight and God Bless.
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
I’m sure the Australian public would back you to the hilt on a Bum Cam Double Dissolution poll. KJ.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
The stars are out tonight. I cannot look up…
Onward!
August 27th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Are we heading for the Bin ?
August 27th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Dear The Rev Kev,
Is it true that there’ll be a BUM CAM in every Australian home by 2020?
August 27th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Fancy meeting you here…..said Hector Swizzlenose.
Indeed, fancy…..
Hector was at the roadside with a sound truck and crew.
Kev The Kanga with his canine passengers and yours truly, the Trinity graduate, almost bowled the man with the clipboard over.
Doing a bit of research on Outback Travelling People……
Really? This is not the Outback.
Near enough, old chap. Near enough. Anyway the crew are doing all the work. I’m the Coordinator for BBC Abroad.
Really?
Yes. A bit cushy. I just coordinate.
Coordinate what?
The coordination, what else?
Good luck, then. I do not think we are story material.
Onward Kev The Kanga! Onward.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Enjoy yourself……..
While you’re still in the Pink.
http://www.smh.com.au/world/strangebuttrue/pacemaker-keeps-body-in-the-pink-20090827-f04a.html
Dear The Dude,
Just pinched myself on the arse…..reflexes as per normal! KJ.
August 28th, 2009 at 6:29 am
KEV THE KANGA
Kev the Kanga’s Booming
Booming down the road…….
Five Super Puppies on his neck
Such a heavy load….
And of course there’s Fingo
Holding on his ears,
But Kev the Kanga doesn’t mind,
He’s boinging to their cheers.
He’s overturning tables
At the nuns’ fete down the road,
And bowling over Big W trolleys
If you get in his road.
Kev the Kanga’s Booming,
Booming down the road…..
Watch out! Look out!
He’s straight from Hell.
Canberra’s on the horizon,
Sound a warning bell!
August 28th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Absolutely my dear Chadwick….ABSOLUTELY – it’s in the manifesto.
Penny’s quite keen that Bum Cams be solar powered, but Barry Jones was in my office the other day with something even cleverer (trust Barry!).
If I understood the pile of diagrams he spread on my desk, he thinks there’s a strong case for Bum Cams being powered up by our own human gases – Brilliant!
Exciting times……
Time for Mr Knuckle to hop out of bed and join the KEV-O-LUTION.
Keep those ideas coming Mr Chadwick, and I’ll make sure you get an invite to the next summit.
I remain, as ever, your The Rev Kev – giving a whole new meaning to the Bum Deal.
August 28th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Dear The Ginger Man,
Take care that you don’t end up with a KANGO. You, I surmise, have an interest in genetic enginering.
It’s just the thought of Big Red doing the business with Fingo …
Boo Boo.
Dear Boo Boo,
May I suggest you get that thought out of your pretty little head ASAP. KJ.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Dearest KJ,
Don’t worry about a couple of hiccups along the way to your Tertiary Education.
MEANWHILE, do you happen to know the whereabouts of Leslie Lennox or the Council’s first Community Social planner?….. OOPS…..I KNOW the rules.
Love to everyone,
Marry Me.
Sweetheart, if I knew there’s one person in the whole wide world who’d I’ll tell and that’s….Marry Me! KJ.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Dear The Rev Kev,
Any chance of a Doona Cam?
Powered by the heat of my body.
August 28th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Dear Boo Boo,
More a case of Fingo doing the business with Big Red, I would have thought.
August 29th, 2009 at 2:32 am
FOR ALL THE GIRLS….
Where are the girls of yesteryear…?
Alliance Francaise, Brownies,
Music I and II, laughter on picnics…
Your pic in the paper, the debutantes ball
Freemasonic or Catholic, we loved you all.
Alas, I remember, I recall,
Did the marriage at St John’s
Between
The crossed swords,
Matter or was it only
An exchange of words?
I saw you in the barn dance for a couple of whirls,
I want you to know you were such splendid girls.
August 29th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Dear The Knuckle,
So Heidi’s too much?
Alice In Wonderland (the picture book version) is just right for you.
I can just see you – and your ittie, bittie reading light with Alice – under the man eatin’ doona.
Fanny.
August 30th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Kev the Kanga does not seem to object to being overloaded.
We have a new passenger perched on his head.
He is Dandenong Dick, a sulphur crested white cockatoo,
I think he is on the run, as his comrades have been causing havoc elsewhere.
He can speak.
He says dikeddikeddikeddikeddikeddiked.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/08/28/2669480.htm
August 30th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Sometimes I feel that the whole world is going…
BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING!
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/photo_galleries/article6806746.ece?slideshowPopup=true&articleId=6806746&nSlide=9§ionName=PhotoGalleries