Email to:The World’s Scariest Fridge Magnet: KJ On The Case
Nervy, nervy, nervy……. that’s how I was when my first chief-of-staff, the late, great Peter Cullen bellowed across the newsroom:
KJ, you’ve got your first ball-tearing, BALL-TEARING yarn……
A couple of old kooks at Windang have rung in. They reckon they’ve just come real, REAL close to having their heads cut off by an identified fast-flying object.
AND bugger me KJ, BUGGER ME…..the kooks say the mystery missile is lodged fair and square in their fridge. Bugger me……BUGGER ME…….
cr: naslrogues:flickr
And so it was that Pete sent me on my first outside assignment: meaning I was leaving the Illawarra Mercury suites with photographer.
….One time Illawarra Escarpment Photographer-Of-The-Year, Greg, fanged The Mercury car, a converted highway patrol panel van, out to suburban Windang.
He was the only man I’d ever seen precision drive, read a UBD, talk back to base on the two-way – number six, race seven, Kembla Grange, got that? – smoke, hoe into a bacon and egg burger and push film into a camera similtaneously.
BUT this time, Greg had pushed his multi-skilling too far, too far…….
He’d failed to factor in – Bugger me KJ, how did I know? – that the Windang kooks were fixing an urgent ’seppie’ tank problem. So, when Greg roared up their driveway…..Bang, Bang, BANG, Shiiit KJ, SHIIIIT, SHIIIIIIIIT!!!!!……our vessel of professional conveyance (with wheels smoking) ended up in a ditch.
With my first time outside job demeanour threatening to explode into a fully-blown nervy episode, Greg pulled me out the driver’s door: We’ll worry about THIS later – in the meantime, THERE’S WORK TO BE DONE!
Inside the modest cottage, the Windang kooks were bolt upright (and white-faced) around their lammie table. Behind them, THE fridge with what appeared to be a propeller off a regional haul Fokker Friendship lodged in it.
My notes from my first outside job said this:
Two nice people. Ces, retired steelworker. Joanie, homemaker. Enjoying a luncheon of cold cuts – salad loaf and corned beef - purchased from Franklins, Kanahooka. Terrible sound of kitchen window smashing. Metal missile with distinctive blades hurtling through. Ces ducks. Joanie, ditto. Horrible sound of metal on metal as missile ploughs into Kelvinator (single door, nicely maintained….just like Gwennies). Ces and Joanie – no known enemies. Why do bad things happen to good people? Very big story…VERY BIG…..won’t be able to write anything……..I don’t have the words, I DON’T HAVE THE WORDS…….
CES: (Still in shock)…..So, so……what has h’h'h’happened to me and Joanie?
ME: No idea Ces, but I promise you….I will NOT sleep, Pete Cullen will NOT sleep, Greg will NOT sleep until we can look you in the eye and tell you WHY a near-miss-double-decapitation destroyed your retirement dreams TODAY.
With that, Greg snapped 345 frames of a shocked Ces cradling a shocked Joanie near the jinxed Kelvinator.
Over the next two hours hours, I could do nothing but observe journalism practised at its highest levels.
Greg and me got a cab back to The Mercury suites. Re the van in the ’seppie’ ditch, Pete quickly called in a favour from a local tow truck operator. All fixed, ALL fixed……
Soon he was poring over the negatives of the killer Kelvinator. Bugger me, bugger me……..It’s a ball tearer, it’s a BALL-TEARER of a yarn KJ….BALL-TEARER……
After calling in a favour from a top steelworks engineer, a triumphant Peter was yelling down the newsroom……..
CASE SOLVED, CASE SOLVED. Stinkin’ hot day, stinkin’ hot day…..
Can ya believe it?
IT’S a blade from a bloody big industrial air-conditioner……zeeee, zeeeee, zeeeee, zeeeee, zeee….IPPPPPPPPPPP, IPPPPPPPPPP………
SHE’S DISLODGED!!!!!
Off she goes, OFF she goes……SHE’s a weapon…….SHE’S pickin’ UP speed…..over Port Kembla, over Cringila, WATCH OUT Dapto….
SHE’S losin’ height over WINDANG…….WATCH OUT Ces and Joanie……WATCH OUT, God Arrr-gie, GOD Arr-gie………
Pete banged out the story – in four minutes max.
‘Hard to find the words for what happened to a couple of gentle folk enjoying lunch in peaceful Windang, yesterday……..’
I’ll give ya the by-line KJ……I’ll give ya the by-line…….just get those nerves under control, and you’ll be okay, you’ll be okay…….swear to God ya will….
THE END
So, in line with our new modis operandi: NO questions……just a couple of trigger words – first day on the job, mystery, propeller, unexpected, near-miss, decapitation. Ignore at your pleasure – Your little life report backs are treasured. As I always say…….you gotta say something or THEY’LL close us down…….
THE GINGER MAN……
(cr: Rubber Slippers in Italy: flickr)
***** Meanwhile, our obsessive-compulsive adventurer, The Ginger Man, is on the case again with ’The Mount Yodel Chronicles’. An explosive combination of folkloric art, mystery and contemporary hi-jinks. Follow the excitement in the comments section.
******ALL commenters go for it!! Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it
Prawn Cutlet Award
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Why are victims always so innocent?
Innocent bystander, an unfortunate passerby, a pedestrian caught in…a couple sitting at home, a freak accident has…a falling….has, in an amazing chain of events, a poor…
But in the deck your events ranks high.
Is it a bird, a plane? No it’s a bloody big fan from the sky……..
You needed a Clark for your Lois. He’d never scoff burgers on the job.
Well done, KJ. Well done…..
Dear Chadwick,
It could be, it was, it was…….and all the time, a deadline, a deadline. You know the scene…… WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME….GOD ABSENTED HIMSELF THAT DAY…SANTA NEVER MADE IT TO DARWIN…..
Thank you. KJ.
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:11 pm
My good friends Hans & Preeya from the Queensland Swiss Society – just back from a yodelling gig in the Glasshouse Mountains – have joined us and generously have supplied oodles of Sännechuttelis, Trachtenblusen, Sännechäppli, and more…..
Why yooooooooooooooooodel in the Aussie mountains?
Yodelling lives long in the Swiss German breast, or should we say?, larynx.
What is the origin of yodel?
Just over 700 years old, Switzerland was a tiny country consisting of snow capped mountains, glaciers, torrents, forests and alpine pastures………….
Before television, for farmers and herders, life in such an environment was difficult and lonely.
Often, they found themselves in the mountains for up to three months alone with their cows.
What did they do?
They YODELLED!
Yodelaydedooooooooo!
What is a yodel?
To communicate with other herders and their families, the mountain folk developed yodelling.
This singing without words is characterised by constant alternating between chest and head voices.
Yodel echoes greatly throughout the mountains, giving comfort and fellowship to the isolated herders.
…….So get some good walking shoes and join us at Mount Yodel.
As Dr Schwarzenheim, may he rest in peace, once said:
There is a life beyond chocolate and timepieces.
It is THE Yodel……
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I was sitting at home,
Minding my business.
When out of an orange-coloured sky,
Smash, bang, Alakazam!
A fan came and hit me in the eye…..
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I’m thrilled beyond comprehension that you have honoured my ancestor, may he rest in peace, in this way. Ja, es ist guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!!!
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I am Under The Table Top Man……
I am also Under The Table Top Mountain Man.
I look up…….
Dear UTTTM,
Have you tried any other sites, Sir? KJ.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Post: post-Australian Story……
I thought of having a Hansel & Grech theme to the Mount Yodel Festival but some vandals erected a large canvas sign:
MALCOLM, DON’T JUMP!!!!!
(This an authentic e-mail, and is NOT concocted).
Perhaps The Rev Kev can hop into THE Ute and come on down to Mount Yodel.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Came downstairs as an Act Of Courage.
Saw the post about Cec and Joanie.
It’s a jungle out there. It is.
Dear Mr Knuckle,
Here’s some fresh news from the jungle – MORE propeller problems. Stay calm. KJ.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/08/04/2645510.htm
August 4th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Dear Mr The Ginger Man,
Your invitation is a very generous one and much appreciated.
I would really have like to meet you, (bad news about your driver Sam) BUT unfortunately – and unusually for me – I’m staying in today.
Too upset to go out after Oz Story.
When I saw Malcolm cry, I cried.
Of course, being the ABC, there was a fair bit of pseudo-pyscho analysis about M missing his Mum (Don’t we all?)
But, it was clear to me that M was obviously upset about the fate of his friend Mr Grech.
However, it’s good to see the Big C coming out of retirement and giving Malcolm much needed support and advice in a late night conversation with the Thinking Woman’s Crumpet, Mr Jones.
I’m praying for M – the nation can’t really afford to lose him.
Nor can I.
Dear The Rev Kev,
We are all praying for Malcolm…..to lose your Mummy is one thing, but to have her flee to New Zealand with someone called Mr Salmon, quite another!
Sorry you can’t make it up Mount Yodel way….by the way, when does Mother Therese leave for Mount Kilimanjaro?
Quite the thing apparently. Read on the weekend that Hockey Joe is also heading to Kilimanjaro – fundraiser for something called The Humpty Dumpty Foundation. KJ.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Exceedingly unlucky non-near-miss anecdote:
Once when we were sitting on our picnic blanket near the sideline at Number One Oval watching the local derby (Leeton Greens V Yanco-Wamoon Hawks, for the uninitiated), I saw a kick for touch by the great Shane Ludeke fly over the fence and land on the face of a young girl who’d very shortly before stuck her melon out of the right-hand rear window in order to track the trajectory of the spiralling Steeden.
Dear Roma Street,
Oh dear, oh dearie me……
NOW, yours is NOT my code but would I be right to think that a kick by Hawk Ludeke would pack quite a punch? He had a huge reputation, did he not? KJ.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Dearest Friend KJ,
Your question: Why do bad things happen to good people? – is something that I have often pondered.
I am no saint, KJ, no Joan d’Arc….however, I do seem to attract ‘bad things’.
Know what I mean? I attract bad men.
How can I attract a good man?
I do hope that Ces and Joanie’s marriage has brought them great joy.
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
A Good Man is like a runaway industrial fan……SO rare, the shock of coming across one can be potentially fatal.
I’ll be honest: I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU, ME (OR FOR THAT MATTER, JENNIFER ANISTON) CAN ATTRACT A GOOD MAN. KJ.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
What I learnt from last night’s Australian Story…..
Does the Liberal Party have Spellcheck? Yes.
C-O-N-C-O-C-T-E-D
E-M-A-I-L
August 4th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
The show is coming together….
Gertl and Rindl, two buxom wenches, have agreed to be my assistants.
The Rev Kev, can I change your mind about dropping in to Mount Yodel?
(Good excuse to avoid Party meetings, eh?)
August 5th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Disaster!
The Festival has led to a confrontation followed by an inglorious chamade and our departure.
It is time to beat a retreat.
First, the local newspaper, The Levitator (circ. 150) agreed to print hundreds of black on yellow posters for THE GIANT YO-DEL COMPETITION , and to plaster the area with them.
When the Five Super Puppies, Festina (nee Brekkie), Fingo and I awoke I found the Rock filled with sexual freaks doing awful things.
Among them was a man calling himself Tex Python, the Lonesome Cowboy.
Python began to boast of his genital gifts and was extremely obnoxious.
His companions began to do extraordinary acts while abseiling.
Gertl and Rindl have joined their frolics.
What could be the reason?
I looked at the poster.
It said: THE GIANT DO-DEL COMPETITION
After a fracas between the locals and a devastating editorial in The Levitator I have decided to cash in my chips.
What next?
August 5th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Words – don’t you love ‘em?
CHADWICK is right. We should all take a good look at CONCOCTED. Break it down:
CON – as in job.
COCK – as in: a load of old…….
TED – as in the bloke in the pub, whispering into your ear on Friday night:
Heard the one about Malcolm and his? …….)
R.I.P Peter Cullen
Dear The Man In Grey,
One thing I can tell you. If Pete was still around, Mr Grech would NOT be in an institution. He’d be in a safe house – Pete’s place. KJ.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Dear TGM,
You’re too quick for me!
Off-loaded my pom pom wool and then bought a fondue set in readiness for the Yodel Festival AND was getting my act together: Lay-Me-Down-Yodeller, Lay-Me Down…..
But NOW (again) NOTHING!!
You old heartbreaker, you…….
August 5th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
KJ,
What is this Fokker Friendship? A dance club that I don’t know of – impossible!
Answer me……..
I could fail a Uni assignment if you don’t cough up.
Fanny.
Dear Fanny,
A Fokker Friendship was a twin-prop Dutch-built aircraft which was – for decades – the backbone of regional aviation in Australia.
As I’ve alluded, I have a pathological fear of flying. The Fokker did NOT help.
To fly from Sydney to the Leeton-Narrandera airport (via Griffith) involved a Fokker.
I think Fokkers ran on kerosene – that’s what the fumes in the cabin smelt like.
Very, VERY nerve-racking…..ESPECIALLY when all the Italian blokes going back home to Griffith smoked up a storm.
Kerosene fumes + flaming cigarettes + wildly gesticulating hands = KJ cowering in 2F, promising God that if I make it, I will COMPLETELY change my personality and the way I go about my business. KJ.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Dear Funny Friend,
Your wickedness is contagious. Am in office and perving around to identify a good man. Am cacking myself!
Imagine this: The boss is eyeing off the girls in mini skirts! Bet his wife couldn’t give a damn!! Second-In-Charge is readjusting his undies A LOT!!! The mail boy is rubbing his privates against the receptionist’s desk…….
I’m PERVING and it’s your fault.
I now get the picture – A Few Good Men should be retitled No Good Men, Good Men are a prick in a hay stack……..should have stayed in bed!!
Happy and Perverted,
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
Just another day at The Treasury eh? KJ.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Malcolm said:
Go now, fetch,
Obedient, faithful Mister Grech.
So he did, poor lying wretch,
And now THEY all go,
Retch, retch, retch……
The opera run by Senator Abetz,
Turned into a bloody nightmare,
Through the keeping,
Of dangerous pets……..
August 5th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Dear KJ,
Both you and Chadwick have hit the nail on the head: Santa did not make it to Darwin.
There is a song that helps me through bad times………
You’re not the only cuddly toy,
That was ever enjoyed by any boy …
You’re not the only choo choo train
That was left out in the rain
The day after Santa came …….
Thanks Elvis Costello for letting us in on the fact that bad luck is a fact of life.
The Comer.
Dear The Comer,
Know the song very well. It was a sing-a-long BEDSIDE vigil song for girlfriends ministering to one of their own if they’d been brought low by a broken heart. When I was horizontal, the words lifted me up….oh yes they did…..KJ.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Dear Roma Street,
Points of claification please!
Leeton MELONS.
Do you refer to (a) heads or (b) the mammary appartus?
Was the woman on the wrong end of the Ludecke kick called Melonie?
August 5th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Yes indeed, Dude – by melon, I meant the scone, the loaf or (for the non-figurative imagination), the head.
The other type of Leeton melons have many fine properties, but Steeden-tracking is not among them, or it wasn’t in my day.
Some of the modern, precision-engineered, man-made melons I see down Chapel Street may well have some sort of radar system, though.
But I think any such system would be rigged to detect money, rather than an in-coming footy.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
* For new The Ginger Man followers, an explanation. Some months ago, TGM spent time (recovering from a ‘nervy’) at the Whirling Dervish Monastery at Gundagai. Will he be returning following the terrible poster mix-up which ruined the Mount Yodel Festival?
***************************************************************************
Dear KJ, Miss Meat Tray,
I joke.
Please tell Lord Ginge to come back to Whirling Dervishes. We dancing in his honour, yessireebobtruedat!
Lord Ginge, he Irish like Pedar O’Doole, the kinema star.
He Lawrence of Leeton. Yesirreebobtruedat!
De pups? They sit on de Tucker Box at Gundagai.
Chief Monk, Gundagai. Have a look – Everyone whirl NOW for Lord Ginge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj4xI6jYom4&feature=related
August 5th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Dear Fanny,
We had a Dutch pilot at Bletchley and he was telling us….
Ja I vos up in der air with Fokkers to the left, Fokkers to the right, Fokkers below and Fokkers at 12 O’clock high…….
Well (we said) you must have felt safe.
No, THESE Fokkers were Messerschmidts.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Does the ETS include protection from propeller emissions at Port Kembla?
Dear Mrs T,
Just been in touch with Ms Wong’s people. Quite terse: Of course, of course. Goodbye. CLUNK! KJ
August 6th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I need my eyes tested. I thought the Leeton Cows won. It was the CROWS.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Thank you Chief Monk,
I AM worried about the upbringing of my canine family, particularly after their exposure to the indecency of the Lonesome Cowboy, Tex Python & Co.
So, it is back to Gundagai and Leeton, where true Dervish and Christian Values predominate in and Around The Boree Log.
I have also decided to put myself up to be the Dervish Dancing Teacher at the next Leeton Catholic Debutante Ball:
http://www.irrigator.com.au/slideshowplayer.aspx?id=6867
(Does anyone know how to perform the Pride of Erin Dervish dance?)
(* Around The Boree Log explained:
http://www.infibeam.com/Books/info/john-o-brien/around-boree-log-other-verses-dodo-press/9781409917465.html)
August 6th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Dear Marry Me,
The heart is a lonely hunter.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Yo MissMeatTrayjusjokin,
Dervish not think outside square, Nosirreebobtruedat!
Dervish think inside circle of which circumference spin at same speed as Elllivis record, yessirrr!
We ecoligical too, Miss MEATTrAY.
We most joyous to welcome Lord Ginge with great whirl of whirls………..
Yesirreebobtruedat!
Next stop is Razzamataz Bar.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Dear Mrs T,
Not a bad question. Here’s an answer.
Having attempted to not fart for a whole day, I am looking for an ETS credit.
Is that too much to ask?
August 6th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
On The Road To Gundagai…..
You ask: Have you been loved? And loved in return?
Sets of canine eyes waiting for supper give the answer.
Fingo has caught a rabbit for our supper and entertained us with many Rorrooooos.
Festina (nee Bekkie) is tucked up with me and The Five Super Puppies.
What more does a member of the Irish Travelling People need?
I am teaching the crew Dervish manoeuvres around the camp fire.
Fingo can spin for four minutes. The Five Super Puppies’ ears spin around in the air.
Festina sits in the centre.
On to Gundagai and the reunion with the Chief Monk.
Ah, how lonely is the heart in search of love and companionship……..
August 7th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Will Diane Heidkrüger, born in Algermissen, near Hildesheim near where our Parachutists landed join us in Leeton? Keep you posted re Diane Kruger.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Terrific to see young Malcolm getting more air time on everyone’s ABC last night.
I must say his Q & A performance was a great improvement on Monday night’s weepy Australian Story – carnt stand a chap crying in public, especially on the national broadcaster.
But last night I thought he was back on form – especially when he refused, under intense pressure from the kiddies, to say the ’s’ word.
Young Winston Howard refused to say SORRY for years – carnt say it did him any harm.
Incidentally, the one good thing about M’s appearance on Australian Weepy was when we saw him on horseback.
A man on horseback presses so many buttons. Next time let’s hope he goes ALL THE WAY – does a PUTIN – and gets his gear off BEFORE he jumps in the saddle.
Dear The Old Carnt,
As always, a sterling contribution….
I fear Malcolm may be riding off into the sunset (fully-clothed, semi-naked or in the nuddie, who knows?) quite soon.
As a country girl, a man on horseback has always pressed just one button….and that is: BEN HALL. KJ.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Dear The Ginger Man,
Fingo is a marvel, a bloody marvel……..
Not only is he ‘practical’, he’s a mystic……
MY Yogi has made some progress: He can spin for two seconds.
I love him in return.
Boo Boo.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Hooray!
The Chief Monk returns….
I NEED his blessing.
I NEED to laugh……..
The kids are great. They’re never the problem.
Just read a politically incorrect AND INCORRECT report of 30 years ago saying 25% of the then students had IQs below 90.
Can The Chief Monk do some thinking inside the circle, dance a dance of major spells and fix this highly embarrassing archive for me?
August 7th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Yo KJ Miz Meat Tray jesjokin,
I still waitin fra de Lord Ginger…..Yessirreebobtruedat!
De dogs lowest order till now. Now dey top ob de pops!
We gottim Chinee cook, Try Do. We tell him leave dogs alone. Yessirrebobtruedat…..!
Lord Ginge of Leeton, welcome!
August 8th, 2009 at 3:57 am
Yo MissMEGMeatTrayjusjokin,
De IQ ob de person affected by de mental centrifoog caused by the whirl-spin, an ef all de keeds do de Darvish whirling den they okay, yessirreebobtruedat.
DeHiKew Hokay!
Den dey not need de Spellchecke like me. Yessessirr!!!
I take in de Cathlic Debs fratspin all night with Lord Ginge chief hinstructs.
No HiKew, no spellchecke, jest de Spin, de Whirllll………..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5VlWm2VkOo
YOse sincerely,
Chief Monk,
Al Gundy-gai.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Who would have foreseen that Fingo would be such a WHIRLER?
He whirled round the camp fire.
He whirled down a bush track. He ran across a weir, whirling all the while.
He whirled his way up a red gum and whirled on the top. I had to tell him COME DOWN IMMEDIATELY!
He whirled his way down, looking very pleased with himself and went:
Oroooooooooooooooooo!
What do I have on my hands? A whirling canine Spider-Man?
Onward to Gundagai.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Boo Boo,
I have told Fingo in between his whirls that you have Yogi.
Please tell us more.
TGM
August 8th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Dear The Chief Monk,
Miss Megsy Mixed Grill Here – jus jokin!
What keeps de planets UP?