Email to:Beauty Queens Unlimited!
Talk about an exceptional household……
Hec and Gwennie, three ’so so’ girls - and TWO beauty queens with multiple crowns.
I was in the Non Beauty Queen (NBQ) category.
It was tremendously challenging. Mezza (pageant name: Merrilee Anne) and Doolup ( pageant name: Julie Ellen), only had to leave the house and they’d return with more tiara imprints on their heads. Put Doolup and Mezza in front of a judging panel and the rest of the hopefuls? FAT CHANCE!!
(cr: Lcrward: flickr )
To this day, Mezza and Doolup, are regional Australia’s most sashed chicks:
Mezza: Think Dolly Parton - if ya know what I mean…..?
Belle Of The Debs. *Inaugural Miss Rice Bowl Princess.* Prize: Return trip to Leeton’s sister town, Waipukurau, New Zealand. Free rice for six months. *Miss Leeton Showgirl. *Miss Regional Showgirl. *(Third) Miss Royal Agricultural Sociey Showgirl. Gwennie: She woulda won if we’d had a property….she woulda….* Extra sensational result considering she was sporting a stress induced cold sore on judging day.
Doolup: Think Angelina Jolie – if ya know what I mean…?
*Princess of The Paceway. Prize: Pat the horses all night. *Belle Of The Debs. Prize: Pat the priest all night.
*Miss Leeton Showgirl: By the time I got to the regional finals, I was bored with being a Beauty Queen. When they asked me whether Lockhart was bigger than Wagga, I said ’sure as hell is…!’
………The run up to yet ANOTHER sashing at our place was always the same.
Those in the NBQ Category had NO choice but to stick to the soul-destroying protocols:
*If the Beauty Queens declared they were going dry Sao biscuits only for six weeks, we all had to. My job? Scurvy watch. At the first signs of bleeding gums or weeping skin spots, I was to report to Gwennie and lettuce would be slowly introduced.
*If the Beauty Queens needed time away from the public gaze, contemplative Sao picnics were held at Tuckerbill Swamp.
* And crucially, young men threatening to sully Dolly and Angelina’s ’s pre-pageant reputations were banned. So stringently was the gender rule enforced, Hec had a hard time negotiating the steel barricades as he returned nightly from the Leeton Hotel: A Man’ll be bloody pleased when this is all over….Bloody Thrilled……
So, how did THE TOWN react to Hec and Gwennie’s freakish ability to produce two young women with freakish good looks and the freakish (almost savant) ability to answer – under pressure cooker conditions – ‘impossible’ questions. Questions like:
In what year did the Leeton Cannery get the sensational contract for Pizza Hut tomato-based-pizza-base-sauce? – or is IT officially called the Leeton-Narrandera Airport or the Narrandera-Leeton Airport?
Well, THE town – like ALL towns – kept its white hot fury under wraps.
I do remember being in the lookers only throng at the back of the Showground Pavilion when Doolup was declared Belle Of The Debs.
TRIFECTA (I shouted)…….we’ve got The Trifecta!!!!!!!
‘Looks’ all round………
(NBQ sibling) Shut up KJ, SHUT UP….. they hate us enough as it is…….
……..I’d like to tell you that while our Beauty Queens were losing seven kilos a day and keeping themselves very nice, I was discovering emerging Feminist literature, newly determined that NO man would ever objectify my great chest, pert waist and shapely legs.
But that would be a lie.
One day – when it became my turn to launch my Beauty Queen career, I approached the handsomest boy in town with the good news that I had CHOSEN HIM to be my deb partner.
Thanks KJ, but NO thanks….
You’ve GOT TO BE JOKIN’?
Thanks KJ, but I’m NOT JOKIN…..
I think YOU’RE JOKIN’!
Trust me KJ, I am NOT JOKIN’. Goodbye……
From that moment and right up until now, I publicly deplored the meat markets that are Deb Balls, Miss Showgirls, Princesses Of The Paceway, Miss Rowathons, Miss Rice Bowls, Miss Dustbowls…….
*A couple of years ago, Leeton Show organisers were desperate: NO-ONE available to open the extravaganza or announce the winner of the Miss Showgirl.
I did the job. There I FINALLY was. On the trotting track surrounded by nervous Beauty Queens. I opened the envelope…..
And the winner of the Miss Leeton Showgirl is ME!……sorry, sorry, sorry……….
* Who will be Miss Leeton Showgirl 2009?
http://www.irrigator.com.au/news/local/news/general/tough-quest-for-showgirls/1626608.aspx
****************************************************
Oh dear, lots to discuss. None of it particularly attractive. Our trigger words from The Macquarie: Australia’s National Dictionary: Pride, Beauty, Showgirls, Lettuce Diets, Tuckerbill Swap…….And – of course - what’s going on at your place – dignified or NOT.
THE GINGER MAN – THE ‘CRACK UP CHRONICLES’.
(cr: Curt: flickr)
Speaking of dignity, distressing news to hand re The Ginger Man, Lord Ginge.
Like the rest of Canberra, he’s ended up in a facility – too much adventuring, too much absinthe…….it all simply became too much.
But NOT for us……
Follow The Ginger Man’s ‘Crack Up Chronicles’ all this week in the Comments Section.
******ALL commenters go for it!! Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
Prawn Cutlet Award
September 21st, 2009 at 11:54 am
TRANSCRIPT: SECRET RECORDING OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN K.RUDD AND B.CLINTON. HOOTERS CAFE.
BC: Yo Kevie – MY MAIN MAN! Y’know n’all.
KR: Yo Bill – ya old motherf…ker.
WAITRESS: Goodmorning gentlemen – what can I do for you?
BC.: Mah dahlin’ – ya sure is the sweetest thing, but ya know as a wise man once said: ask not what you can do for me, ask what I can do for you. Got that mah sweetie pie?
KR.: Could I have a glass of freshly made carrot juice and half a slice of sourdough bread…..please my dear?
BC: (interjecting)no no Mah Liddle Aussie friend – when Ya stateside breakfast’s on Bill. No,
Ma Dahling, get chef to rustle up 15 pancakes (he knows how Ah like ‘em), and a dozen eggs sunnyside up.
WAITRESS: You Bet!
BC (AFTER WAITRESS HAS DEPARTED) -
Ya know, Ah truely believe that liddle cutie took a shine ta you.
KR (whispering) Bill, don’t take this personally my old Motherf..cker friend, but there’s a man in the corner in a raincoat who I think is recording us…..
(AGENT’S NOTE: KR. rushed out of Hooter’s shortly after making this remark.
BC stayed, consuming all pancakes and eggs placed before him, and then left establishment with waitress).
Dear The Man in Grey,
Tell Kevin this: You can run but you CAN’T hide. Just try and take my baby bonus away and you’ll be ******* mince meat! KJ.
September 21st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
In hospital, Canberra….
A torch in the face….
The voice of Nurse Try Do.
Doctor say I have to carry out measurement below waist. I Try Do.
Why? Climate change?
I not know, but I Try Do.
Why am I strapped in bed? I have multiple fractures. From the fall from the National Flagpole. Do they think I will run away?
You in psyche ward, they think you terrorist…….
Tourist?
No, terrorist. ASIO psychiatrist come soon. They interrogate you……….
September 21st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Dear KJ,
This is The Rev Kev calling from the US of A.
Spent the flight over here watching DVDs of a Boxset The Wire on my laptop.
Barack’s right – what a motherf…cking show.
Fantastic that that motherf..ker Scotty has woken up (at last) and put the program on ABC2 where a motherf…ker can speak like what they do on the street.
We have nothing to fear but motherf…king fear itself.
Must rush – as you know the Rev Kev has a cunning plan to SAVE THE WORLD.
I think they know it’s their only chance – but will the Motherf…kers listen?
Goodnight and God Motherf..king Bless.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Take it easy, take it easy. NEXT thing, you’ll be patron of the ******* Australian Tourettes Syndrome Society. Being BRAVE and MAN enough to address deeply personal health problems, of course……KJ.
September 21st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Came Downstairs As An Act Of Courage…..
Saw the post about Beauty Queens.
I’ve only ever won ONE prize: ‘Best Kept Doona’.
Back upstairs to work on further improvements.
Dear The Knuckle,
Did you know that the late Princess Diana only won ONE prize as well? Best kept rabbit at her primary school. KJ.
September 21st, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Hi KJ,
I know a girl who was crowned Miss Australian Stock Horse.
Dear Greek and loving it,
And what did Miss Australian Stock Horse enjoy most – being sashed or whipped?
By the way, as a young reporter I seem to remember a media release coming through from the Bacon Producers’ Association of the Pacific Rim (or something) which alerted us to the impending Crowning of ‘Miss Pork’. KJ.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
In hospital, Canberra…..
Where are Kev the Kanga, the Five Super Puppies and Fingo?
They in Canine Psyche Ward. I want to get them out. I Nurse Try Do. Sshhhhhh, Shrink Coming. I do measurement later……
Good Evening, Patient. Do you know where you are?
Yes. The Nuthouse, the Funny Farm.
Where have you come from to here?
The Planet Klytoria, where it is pink. WHY IS EVERYTHING SO BLOODY BLACK?
What is your name?
Read the file.
What is your nationality?
What is a nation? You tell me.
How old are you?
Old enough.
According to your file you were at Bletchley Park. But the War was seventy years ago. How can that be possible?
Many things are possible. You just have to rearrange your thinking…..
How old are you?
I’ll give you a clue, Doctor Spook. ‘Pirates of Penzance…’
Gilbert and Sullivan?
Precisely. Born in a leap year. You divide your age by a quarter.
Are you an agent?
Isn’t everyone……..?
To be continued…….
September 21st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
No work happening here although the strike is over.
I am remembering the time that the lift stopped on the wrong floor and I got out and wandered right down the right hand corridor without even noticing that I was out of my territory. I’d wandered right into Public Relations!
TGM in the locked ward reminds me of the time I was mistaken for someone else….
A Queens Counsel threw a swish dinner party and invited several prominent lawyers.
I was the special guest.
I couldn’t quite work out why until I arrived and realised that there’d been a mix up with names and identities and so there I was.
The host quickly noticed his mistake but – without saying a word – we eyeballed each other and went ahead as if nothing was amis.
I had to spend the whole evening pretending that I was a very attractive, high profile lawyer involved in an intriguing case that I was NOT in a position to talk about in any detail. Mistaken identity or celebrity hoax? Just hope it never happens to you…..
Now to the water cooler.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
What a pressure cooker evening! How on earth does a woman sit at a posh dinner table ‘pretending to be attractive’ AND get away with it? I’d really like some tips in that regard…..KJ.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:07 pm
KJ,
Sadly, I remember Doolup.
Not a nice girl!
I had lined up a Yanco Ag High School looker to be my deb partner.
I was extolling his virtues, not aware SHE was listening in.
Next thing I know HE’S changed his mind.
Why? I asked.
Can’t refuse Doolup was the reply.
Yes, she did win both the Catholic AND Rotary Ball crowns.
I had a few cross words with Doolup!
Don’t blame me she said. You were telling everyone that the only way to pick the prettiest girl out of 100 dressed in various shades of white was to make sure you had the tallest partner.
KJ, your sister is a real nasty.
Dear Ex-Leetonite,
Shame on you, shame! Re ‘the tallest partner’ strategy, we ALL worked that out at a family beauty queen planning meeting. Grow up! KJ.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
Wear a dress, draw attention to only ONE outstanding physical asset and have your eyelashes professionally dyed.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Gwennie always said my ears were my best feature: small and set very neatly into my head. I’ve always hocked my ears around town – to stunning affect……KJ.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
A Hospital in Canberra:
….Are you a terrorist?
Not your kind.
Are you prepared to undergo hypnotism to determine your personality and origin?
If it makes you happy.
Good then. Do you have any requests?
Yes. Untie me, and bring me a cube of sugar, a spoon and a glass. I have a ritual that will help my recovery.
A ritual?
Yes. Vincent, Gauguin, Toulouse and many others have used the Absinthe Method.
Absent?
No. Read my lips. A –B- S- I -N -T –H- E.
Never heard of it. See you at Hypnosis in the morning.
Good evening, Doctor Spook. I am poised.
Five minutes later….
Nurse Try Do here.
Yes, Try Do.
I have Absinthe for you. I Try Do.
Thank you, Try Do. Please join me.
I have your Trinity Scarf too. I Try Do.
Bless you, Try Do. Now put that tape measure away.
TO BE CONTINUED…….
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Geeez Kez,
Don’t ya love this time of the year?
Business end of the footy season – Grand Finals just around the corner.
I love the SMELL of it – a dressing shed cocktail of freshly mown grass, sweat, magic oils, excitement and…yes, let’s face it… fear.
Pity they can’t bottle it.
May the best team, (my team) win.
Gazza.
Hello Gazza,
(And for new visitors in here, you should be aware that Gazza – who’s now The Rev Kev’s chief bodyguard – was the best rover the Leeton Redlegs ever produced).
Now, onto footy grand final fever. I CAN ONLY AGREE. Even before a point goes up on the scoreboard, I’m a mess. I see 18 men burst through the banner, I cry…..I watch the AFL Grand Final breakfast on telly, I weep……I see an elderly footy fan stumble to his seat in the stands, I blubber like a baby……
The thing is Grand Final day is my official ‘Miss Hec Festival’.
*Would you believe the wealthiest wing of the family (Yes, ONE of the Beauty Queens – Dolly Parton – if ya know what I mean?) has tickets to the MCG on Saturday? Beat that! KJ.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Show us the photos KJ.
Dear Greek and loving it,
Try Do! Just so happens I do have a little pic in my bag which I’m taking to work tomorrow to run through the scanner and put up. KJ.
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:17 pm
…bitter greens in the oven again tonight.
One of my cousins in town and it will be former Yugoslavia this and former Yugoslavia that ….until God knows when.
My dad coming over, cousin, second cousin and cousin’s former cousin.
It’s the time of the year that us Greeks start planning Christmas day get together, lamb on the spit or pig on a poke?
How about a silly old cow for a change!?
Last year, about 30 of us met up the Gold Coast and I tell you now it WAS our family who were responsible for the broken lift in the hotel.
Thank you Jonathan Carter for your letter on Homosociality in the London Review of Books. I have something to think about whilst swallowing tonight.
Dear Greek and loving it,
When things get a little heated around the table (and they will!) bang down your fist and scream: ‘I’ve had enough, ENOUGH – this family is surely the most Homosocial ever……and I’ll tell you this: IT STOPS HERE AND IT STOPS NOW!!!!’ KJ.
September 23rd, 2009 at 8:43 am
Dear Greek & loving it,
You do start Christmas preparations late.
My mum has had me wrapping her gifts since the Boxing Day sales.
Menu decided at Easter.
Definitely no silly old cow or goat.
Venue yet to be agreed upon.
My place or yours?
September 23rd, 2009 at 9:34 am
Dr Spook: WHY IS EVERYTHING SO BLOODY PINK ?
TGM:The Klytorians have landed.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
To Ex-Leetonite,
Leave Doolup alone. She must have used the tall partner strategy as there was no ‘lookers’ at the Yanco Ag! I was there the night Doolup was crowned Miss Paceway – brought tears to my eyes.
Welcome Peter!
Well said! Now, if you thought that Doolup was beautiful in the early seventies, you should see her now……she has the scientific community in a spin – the ONLY woman in Australia becoming MORE beautiful as the years go by…….
Now, on the matter of there being NO ‘lookers’ at Yanco Ag High School, I have to disagree. I dated a ‘looker’ or two.
BUT because I was in favour of the dismantling of the Superphosphate Bounty, things did NOT go as well as expected.
Was it some of your dust that scared the living daylights out of us, yesterday?
KJ.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
KJ,
It’s time a member of your family had a word.
Thank the Lord Gwennie isn’t logging in. She’s also deaf so cannot hear what you are saying when you do your Leeton bit on Riverina ABC Radio.
The sisters are very upset with you (and comments made by Ex-Leetonite are particularly offensive to me).
Comparisions with film stars surgically enhanced do not excite anyone apart from husbands.
Your doings are ageing me considerably.
For the record – I never had a tall deb partner for any other reason than the boy I wished to partner me wouldn’t do it.
My actual partner was very nice, though not the preferred model.
I’ll fix you up at Christmas time!
Thank you Peter.
Doolup,
‘Bout time someone from my dear family showed a bit of interest in what I’m doing…….
I’LL FIX YOU UP AT CHRISTMAS…….(I’m the one drinking straight from the bottle of Bollie with the facelift stitches).
Love ya,
KJ.