Email to:DUST! Riverina Expanding Boundaries: Special Edition
An unprecedented meteorological phenomenon is proving to be a bonus for the Riverina region of New South Wales: It’s EXPANDING its boundaries!
As I write, Leeton, Coolamon, Grong Grong, Ardlethan and Moombooldool are encroaching on Sydney in an unstoppable march.
There’s beautiful Riverina red dust EVERYWHERE….
Near Narrandera: The future is now! (cr: iBASECAMP: flickr)
Pitt Street is fast turning into Leeton’s main street, Pine Avenue. The Harbour Bridge is morphing into Euroley Bridge (Yanco) and the western suburbs sprawl? It BECAME Wagga precisely 56 minutes ago. Unconfirmed reports say that Sydney’s posh Eastern Suburbs have just been re-named Collingullie.
*Leeton tip for dust storm affected women: Disrobe. Take washer and lightly sponge body. Go outside. Marvel as full-body coating of mud forms. Go back inside. Use hairdryer to set mud. Take pot scourer to yourself. Firmly rub for 65 mins. Shower. Bravo! Shiny NEW you (Oooooooh baby! Topsoil all gone) Repeat.
* A full body exfoliation of the magnitude of the Riverina Red Treatment would set you back at least $400 in a chintzy day spa.
Thank you to our wonderful network of correspondents for keeping us up to date. NEVER before has my mailbag filled me with such joy:
Roma Street:
From what I’ve seen on TV this morning, it looks like the city council has declared Leeton Day in Sydney.
Like the backpackers who wander around in T-shirts in the bleak Melbourne winter, ex-Leetonians in Sydney will be saying to their friends and colleagues: What are yez all whinging about?
The Old Carnt:
In my office a sweepstake is being organised for the time of The End. I’m picking 6pm, just as the comercial TV news themes, like wanking robots, ring out across this doomed city.
Tennessee Bird Walk:
Isn’t Nature wonderful ? So powerful when man disturbs its equilibrium. It could take you several days with a wheelbarrow to shift a garden bed from the front to the back garden.
But Nature can lift half of the Lachlan Plains and blow it out to sea overnight.
We need not to worry about climate-change Reds under the bed, but Red in the sky.
The Big Lebowski:
Pink dust is in the air,
Everywhere I look around…..
Pink dust is in the air,
Every sight and every sound.
And I don’t know if I’m being foolish,
Don’t know if I’m being wise….
But it’s something that I must believe in,
Pardon me while I vaporize…………
Any sensational dust storm news down your way? Please proceed to the comments section and let loose.
Remember: You’re ALL Riverina now!
This has been a special dust bowl edition of kerriejean.com….
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** Our very own The Ginger Man? He’s ALWAYS been a bit Riverina and his superb The Crack Up Chronicles continue in the Comments Section.
(cr: capn mad matt: flickr)
For folks new to the world of The Ginger Man – Welcome!!
In these pragmatic times, The Ginger Man is a ‘one-off’: adventurer, bon vivant , afficionado of ALL things that really count – LIVIN’, LOVIN’, LEARNIN’. Yesirreebobtrudat!
******ALL correspondents just take a deep breath and go for it!!
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
Prawn Cutlet Award
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Dear Miss KJ and Miss Meg,
Forget the Christmas preparations – forget everything, because we won’t be making it to Christmas. In fact where I live I have grave doubts about us making it to tea time.
I carnt see a bloody thing. A mighty cloud of dust has descended on Sin City – this Soddom of the Deep South where loan sharks, hitmen and financial schmucks stalk the leafy suburbs of the North Shore.
On my way to work, I called in at a 7-11 and purchased the daily newspaper from a young Chinese gentleman, warning him that the Gods were mightily unhappy with us and the End Was Nigh.
He smiled at me graciously and said:
Oh yes sir, very good, ha, ha, end of the world by tea time. Thank you sir and have a nice day!
In my office a sweepstake is being organised for the time of The End. I’m picking 6pm, just as the commercial TV news themes, like wanking robots, ring out across this doomed city.
Good bye my dears, Good bye everybody.
I remain,
The Old Carnt.
PS: Strongly advise Mr Knuckle to stay in bed today.
Where’s Rudd when you really need him?
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Came downstairs As An Act Of Courage….
Rest assured The Old Carnt, I’m NOT going out there. Nosirreebobtruedat!
Dear The Knuckle,
DON’T forget to vacuum out the man-eatin’ doona…..KJ.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Jest like the old days in the Panhandle….
Ya git war, Depression and dust in the air as yer farm flies away on yer.
The Grapes v Wrath…..
Have to head for Californy. Nah, there’s a Kraut running things there….
Have to git down ter Leeton, but it might have runned away.
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Today is MY DAY OFF.
Instead of having to join the Mum’s Group and talk about dirty bottoms, unfaithful hubbies and the like, I simply put the kids in the brand new sand pit in the back yard, in the middle of the loungeroom…..any bloody where.
Yippee!
Dear Dust Mummy,
DO NOT touch that mountain of dust in the loungeroom…….I’m ringing A Current Affair.
* Remember: Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate….KJ.
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Kerchooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
There’s enough soil in the air to grow taters.
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Too late KJ,
Daddy turned up and announced that HE’D ring a Current Affair.
I said: Which one?
DM.
Dear Dust Mummy,
You got the dirt, YOU got the dirt! KJ.
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
From Field Reports, Wiretaps and intercepts from our agents and our American friends monitoring US activities of Australian leader The Rev K Rudd.
It is now clear that we’re not dealing with one man but several different personalities within the same body:
THE UNITED STATES OF KEVIN:
1. POTTY MOUTH KEVIN: In private, the foul mouthed cusser overheard talking in the manner of a 1970’s Black Panther when addressing a long suffering staff member yesterday:
2. KEV THE REV. In public, this most Christian of leaders never misses an opportunity to jump into the nearest pulpit and deliver a sermon.
3. MAD KEV – THE WORLD LEADER: Increasing signs that the man is seriously delusional and really thinks he’s gone to the US of A to save the world, and Barack and co can’t wait to be told what to do. Truth is they’re sick to death with The Rev K’s endless boasts about how well Australia is doing.
4. KEV THE GROUPIE: The man loves being seen with the stars, so much so that Cate Blanchett has taken out an AVO. The Rev was enraged to see ‘his’ Hugh Jackman posing with Tony Blair.
5. PARTY BOY KEV: When OS, The Rev Kev is known to break out of his strict dietry regime and party like a man possessed. His minders are desperately trying to keep him away from News Ltd editors known to be skilled in playing on the Rev Kev’s known weaknesses.
NOTE TO ALL AGENTS: THE REV KEV RARELY SLEEPS – ALL LEAVE IS CANCELLED WHILE THIS MAN IS IN THE COUNTRY. HE’S EXTREMELY SLIPPERY AND MUST BE WATCHED 24/7.
Dear The Man In Grey,
There’s NOT a woman in Australia who wouldn’t be able to immediately recognise this troubling personality type – they’ve either been out with ‘him’, married ‘him’ or sat next to him the Perth-Sydney ‘Red-Eye’. Thank you for assuring the women of Australia that it was (or is) NOT THEIR BLOODY FAULT. KJ.
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Boris Yeltsin was a Freckled Funster!
Anybody who can play the spoons on the top of a bald presidential head deserves an accolade.
Pizza, anyone?
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/09/23/2693642.htm
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Another thing……
The Rev Kev,
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again………
September 24th, 2009 at 6:21 am
In Hospital, Canberra…….
Dr Spook arrived in the Psych Ward this morning, walked to the wall and placed upon it a large black spot.
Strange smell of aniseed here. Someone been lighting a fire?
You’re the spook, you tell me.
Well my good man, we are about to begin your Hypnosis Interrogation.
[Transcript provided by Nurse Try Do]
Dr S: I want you to focus on the Spot as I count. As I count your eyes will become heavy and you will be asleep, but you will hear everything I say. Do you understand?
TGM: Yes. We studied Hypnosis at Bletchley very extensively.
DS: Very well. Keep your eyes on the black spot.
TGM: You too.
DS: Five, four, three, two, one……….
TGM: Can you hear me, Doctor Spook?
DS: Yes.
TGM: How long have you been a spook?
DS: Ten years.
TGM: I want you to imagine a calendar. The years are going backwards. 2009, 2008, 2007…
Where are you now?
DS: I988 St Edmunds.
TGM: What are you doing?
DS: Beating up a smaller boy, then dobbing him in to the Head.
TGM: How do you feel?
DS: Strong.
TGM: I am now going to count to five and you will wake up. You will remember nothing, but you will have a burning appetite for the alcoholic drink, Absinthe. One, two, three, four, FIVE!
DS: Where am I?
TGM: The Psych Ward.
DS: Why is everything so bloody GREEN?
TGM: You need something to drink, Doctor Spook. I have a lovely friend Godwin joining us.
Nurse Try Do? Some refreshment, please.
I Try Do.
To be continued……………
September 24th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I’m off to a party on Saturday night and I want to dance to impress.
Can anyone suggest some music that isn’t too fast, nor too slow? More in there than out there? Not in Greek but NOT in English either and with a few funny and suggestive lines so I can go up to people and repeat them in their ears in a double entendre if you know what I mean?
Just reporting – don’t wander in to any Greek dominated suburbs today or you’ll be squirted. Nothing Greeks like more than hosing down the footpath, house and car after a dust attack….
September 24th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
The Rev Kev,
Did I just hear you say on ABC radio that Australians had been given a wank up call?
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
You did! The footage and audio from the UN is NOT pretty. By the time The Rev Kev was on his feet, just about everyone had left. He HAD to say something which translates well across several languages. KJ.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
Cannot help you in the vocal department, but this little potion will certainly lubricate the tonsils and vocal chords.
It is from the great Savoy Cocktail Book of 1930.
It includes a deftly modified Martini called the Journalist Cocktail, a drink made of gin, dry vermouth and sweet vermouth with mere splashes of lemon juice and orange curaçao and a dash of bitters.
Ygeaia!
September 24th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
KJ,
Will Leeton provide a new home for The Big Prawn?
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/09/24/2695494.htm
Dear The Dude,
Fundraising to have The Big Prawn relocated to Leeton starts NOW. Monies will be used for relocation costs AND to have a well-known sculptor chisel breadcrumbs into it. Next to it, a big lemon wedge will be framed.
Leeton’s Big King Prawn Cutlet AND Big Garnish will simultaneously thrill – AND challenge…..KJ.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Psych. Ward, Canberra….
[Transcript courtesy of Nurse Try Do]
Doctor Spook (singing): Roll me over in the Clover, roll me over lay me down and do it again…
More Absinthe please Mr er Ginger, er Lord Ginge.
TGM: We have run out of sugar cubes. Nurse Try Do?
NTD: I Try Do.
DS: Bugger ASIO. We are having fun.
TGM: You are truly a Freckled Funster, Doc.
DS: Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!
NTD: You have visitors.
DS: Send ‘em in. More the merrier!!!!
[Enter Chief Monk, Fingo and Five Super Puppies]
CM: I is here fra de rescue! I spin fray yo, Lord Ginge!
[Fingo and the Super Pups join in the spin].
NTD: We have another guest – Godwin.
[Enter Godwin Grech]
CM: Yo need de lub, Mister Gee! Lub yo enemas! Truedatyesirreebobtrudat!
G: Nobody loves me. I have a seizure if I see a computer monitor.
CM: Forget dat. We lubbin yo. Yesireebob!
G: You do?
CM: Ob course. Ob course. De good book saith lub yo enemas.
TGM: Have an Absinthe, Gordon, and Welcome!
To be continued………….
September 25th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Message to The Chief Monk,
Get whirlin’ and spinnin’ – and bring back the bottom playground (hasn’t been sighted since the dust storm).
Yessirreebobtruedatmissmegsysaysso.
Dear Megsy,
Your playground visited Sydney, travelled onto Brisbane and is now headed for New Zealand. It’s NEVER comin’ back! KJ.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Yo Megmissmeattrayjesjokin,
De playground is on de wall of de Psych Ward…along wiv dust fra de Red Heart an splashes ob de Absinthe, makin it like de Blue Polez..
Godman say to me: Don’t See No Blue Poles fra Here:
He your Pupille?
September 25th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Nurse Try Do has said she loves me.
I have explained it was an inappropriate remark. She must go on alone.
She said: I Try Do.
O, what a day!
September 25th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Dear KJ,
Pretty busy stateside. Everybody very excited about my wank up call. (Thank you for spreading the word The Lonely Scholar).
And you know what?
There’s a very real feeling among many nations that the wank up call – The Rev Kev’s central plank of his stimulatin’ package – could bring peace in our time. Geldof’s been on the phone – reckons we should call it the www. In fact my media advisor Siimon Smoothshanks is working on a www day.
Hang on to your seats friends – we live in extremely interesting times… with the www everyone gets satisfaction, and it’s absolutely free.
Good night and God Bless.
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
You’ve changed your tune! I know a couple of thinkers who tried to get into the 20/20 Summit with their very own www proposal. Were told in NO uncertain terms that their presence would be ‘inappropriate’. What a difference an international audience makes! KJ.