Email to:Flying High – And Low, Low, Low……..
You may’ve noticed that this site has NO report backs of wonderful trips: intra-state, interstate, or international.
No breathless reports of KJ lolling around kidney-shaped pools with her head stuck onto vats of multi-coloured cocktails. No wild gyrating into the night on floating dance floors, no gorging on platters of king prawn cutlets straight from the sea, no nail-biting sweeps through Customs with illegal home surgical cosmetic kits: NO NOTHING!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the twisted world of a pathetic soul who went into journalism to see the world but is flat out seeing Gwennie in Leeton.
All because of a pathological, gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing Fear Of Flying……..
(cr: elmada flickr)
I fly Air Valium. Three on awakening – always at 3am - on flight days. Another two when I’m in the cab taking me to my appointment with death. A ‘top up’ in the luggage check-in line.
Good morning traveller KJ. Have this tissue dear, you’re dribbling. Identification?
Certainly! Here are my dental records and a small photo for the newspaper. I would like the caption to read: ‘Neighbours said KJ kept to herself. Word was that she did have a couple of dates in the early nineties.’
Traveller KJ, are you all right?
Goddamnit, how dare you sit there smiling Marcia. I have never been so NOT all right. I am overwhelmed. I have 56 minutes to live and I am NOT at peace with myself. I NEVER have been. God help me Marcia, GOD HELP ME!!!!
Security please, SECURITY……!!!
**** Bonus tale from KJ’s tortured world of regional aviation.
Regional airliner – Saab 300 - bobs along, preparing to take off from the magnificent facility that is the Narrandera-Leeton Airport.
(Bob, bob, bobbedy bob….)
In seat 1F? Our Frequent Benzodiazepam Aviatrix. Dribbling………..
Hostie Jessica: Hello traveller 1F.
My, my we ARE dribbling this morning. May I call you The Dribbler?
……Just routine, of course, but as you are sitting (dribbling) in special EXIT seat 1F I must read this to you: Under air traffic regulation 567.34b - enacted recently after unspeakable acts of barbarianism in the skies - I must ask you this:
In the event of a ‘mishap’, are you prepared to oversee the evacuation of innocent people from this plane?
(Bob, bob, bob, boddedy bob – routine pre-take off procedures continue……..)
The Dribbler: Hang on a sec Jess, HANG ON.
(Two more Valiums downed from emergency pocket supply)
Noooooow, Jesss-ci-caaaa…..may I say just say thiiiiiiiis. I really think your fringe would work better if it was a bit looooonga…..
On that other matt-teer, I’m NOT sooooo sure.
(Bob, bob, bobbedly bob…….)
Hostie Jessica: Look here The Dribbler. Just study this special card. All will become clear….
The Dribbler surveys the ’special’ card.
It is straight to the point WITH illustrations.
*** In the event of an over or IN water emergency, I must quickly leave my seat because aerodynamics show it will be UNDER WATER: Graphic of a Dribbler strapped to seat – glug, glug, glug, glug…….
*** In the event of a crash landing, I must keep calm and gently coax passengers to MY exit, MAKING SURE IT IS CLEAR OF SMOKING DEBRIS OR BODY PARTS.
*** If one of the pilots suddenly leaves the cockpit to ask me on a date, I must assume the brace position and take it from there…….
Gee Jessica, I’m NOT too sure about this at all. Not toooooo shurre at aall. BUT, if we run into probs – and Jess we WILL, WE WILL, WE WILLLLLLLL - let me assure you that The Dribbler will do all she can to help – under YOUR direction.
(Bob, bob, bobbedy bob……)
The Dribbler, it is my duty to inform you that me and the pilots are assumed deceased…DEAD, potential debris, potential smoking body parts……
Then Jessicaaaaa, it is my duty to inform you that The Dribbler caaanooot, caaannott, CANNOT do what you ask. By the way, I may be a litttle bit out ooof it but I don’t seem to remember applying for a job as an Air Mashall. No SIREEBOB, NO SIREE (ee, ee, ee!)
(Bob, bob, bobbedy bob: Saab stop, stoppedy STOP!)
Jessica is on the phone to the cockpit. She hangs up and sighs a very long sigh. Jessica walks down the aisle and comes back with a charming gentleman in a well-cut suit.
Says loudly: THIS kind and capable (and I must say reasonably handsome man) has agreed to take on routine EXTRA flight responsibilities. Please leave 1F immediately and assume the seat that this gentleman - with apparently NORMAL levels of concern for his fellow human beings – has just vacated.
The Dribbler does her faltering ’benzo’ walk of shame down the isle to her new seat.
There’s ANOTHER handsome gentlemen in the adjoining one…..
(Bob, bob, bobbedy bob……..Stop, stop, stoppedy STOP……Thrust, thrust, thrustedy THRUST…)
Hello Sire, I aaam Theeeee Dribbler…
And who may I be dying with today….?
Just to let you know I won’t be any trouble. One thing though. Before I die I always love to nuzzle in…….gee, that’s nice…….you’re a good man……let me just nuzzle in a bit more…..
So, you’re from Ardlethan? Nice place Ardlethan, nice place……good fooooootball team back in the….in the…..in…….I really th….think…I co….could…learn …to….to…lo…..love….love you…….goood….ni…ni….night…………..
TAKE OFF!
*Should tell you that while I find it very hard to fly, I am obsessed by all things aviation. My favourite site is The Professional Pilots Rumour Network. Maybe it will become yours too…?
*******************************************************
THE GINGER MAN
Isn’t he great?
HE’S been able to face his demons. Latest reports say TGM has cut up his Medicare Card, said farewell to Nurse Try Do and Godwin and gone spinning out of the Psych Ward in the National Capital with The Chief Monk. Expect to hear soon where they’re headed.
I know The Chief Monk doesn’t want to return to the Monasterie El Gundagai just yet. Too much whirlin’, too much lubbin’ to do, yes Miss MeatTrayKJJusJokin!
cr: Marco Bullucci: flickr
*As soon as Lord Ginge and his entourage report in, you’ll be the first to know – in the Comments Section as per usual.
YESSIREETRUEBOBDAT!!!!!!!
Speaking of our Comments Section, people new to kerriejean.com should be aware that it’s a treasure trove of ‘Living, Loving, Learning’ in its own right. Our community has only one rule: Anything goes! Why don’t YOU join us – try doing a little comment and just sit back and feel the lubbin’…..
******ALL correspondents just take a deep breath and go for it!!
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
Prawn Cutlet Award
October 5th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
ENROUTE TO ROME VIA ROCKHAMPTON…….
Come Fly with me,
It’s such a lovely day…
Come Fly with me
Down to Acapulco Bay…
(Flight Deck)
The starboard engine is out too…..
Feather Number One,
Raise flaps !
Report position!
TAA Flight 101 to Tower
TAA Flight One to Tower..
We’re going in……we’re goin’ in…..
May Day, May Day, MAY DAY…!
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Good afternoon passengers………….
You’re flying with TAA, the Friendly Way.
We hope you are having a pleasant flight.
We should be landing at Rockhampton in approximately one hour.
Would passenger G.I.N. German please come to the Flight Deck?
And bring the refreshment.
Thank you. This is Captain Baker speaking.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Dear KJ,
I have read De Quincy’s Confessions of an Opium Eater but I did not know this site was being run by a Benzo Eater…..
Dear The Dude,
May I clearly state that (except where aeroplanes or impending dates are involved) I am AGAINST the use of prescription drugs with anti-anxiety properties. KJ.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
ENROUTE TO ROME…..
Lubbin yo all!
We’s going ta de Basilica of Sainte Pete in Roma fra de International Darvish Dance Festival.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKkqhhcVg3I
I reading fra de Goode Booke on de thema, Lub Your Enemas. Lub yo Enemas – one at a time.
De Puppies am yowlin down below.
Lotsa lubbin comin, YESSIREEBOBTRUEDAT!!!!
Capn Baker at da controls of the Haircraft.
Dat man needs de lubbin.
Perfect lubbin casteth out fear, saith de Goode Booke.
October 6th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Came downstairs As An Act Of Courage…..
Saw the post about aircraft. I don’t fly either.
Man created Fire.
Then Man created The Doona.
Here I come……
October 6th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I haven’t set foot in a plane for about four years and I’m in no hurry to do so.
As a youngster I was totally blase about heights and about flying, now I get increasingly freaked out by both.
Ten years ago, I could stand at places like the top deck of the Eiffel Tower or the observation deck at the Rialto and blithely gaze at the wonders below. Now I’m freaking out on the ferris wheel and the Otway Fly, holding onto the bar for dear life and fighting down the urge to scream.
I don’t dare to step on a plane for fear of melting down and ending up being wheeled through the terminal hopped up on elephant tranqs.
Dear Roma Street,
Never before have I identified so closely with with a statement: I don’t dare step on a plane for fear of melting down and ending up being wheeled through the terminal hopped up on elephant tranqs…..
So…..what it is about FLYING and Riverina girls?
I’m trying out several theories…..
Did you EVER have your heart broken by a crop duster who promised the world – but gave you nowt? KJ.
October 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
ENROUTE TO ROME…..
Restart Number Two…
Autopilot OFF……
Raise undercarriage. Raise flaps more. Pull, Pull, PULL!!!! Mayday, Mayday, Mayday….!!!!!!!
Hand me that Absinthe NOW Lord Gingerman. Forget about the sugar. We are going in, WE ARE GOIN’ IN!!!!!
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We hope you are having a pleasant flight. Smoking is permitted on this flight.
Do you have a cigarette, Lord Ginge?
To be continued………….
October 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
KJ,
I think you have watched so many episodes of Air Crash Investigation that you know everything about the Control Panel on the flight deck, and you could easily bring the plane in safely, and I do not mean on the Fitzroy River.
I am waiting for Black Box, the Musical.
I met a girl once in Rocky and we arranged to meet on the banks of the Fitzroy.
She did not come.
Just as well, perhaps. Perhaps not.
Little events can change your life. What might have happened…..
I flew back on TAA, The Friendly Way – feeling very pensive, VERY.
I once met a girl from Novia Scotia, but she was leaving the next morning. She was a Gaelic-speaker, half Red Indian, half Highlander.
Dear me, TGM, you do get people thinking.
Then I met a girl whose dad owned half of Queensland, but she was too thin. She did not handle rejection well. C’est la vie.
Dear Chadwick,
Air Crash Investigation IS my all-time favourite programme. FULL of ‘what ifs’ – WHAT IF the pilot hadn’t been busy talking about the great king prawn cutlets he had last night, WHAT IF the co-pilot had worn his ‘lucky’ jocks, WHAT IF God existed…..?
…..I once met a man whose dad owned half of The Riverina. He said I was very nice but came from NO money. I did NOT handle rejection well. I still don’t. KJ.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Never fear KJ you can still meet eligible Greeks online.
They’ve no problem with flying!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2pjBYKPbog&feature=related
Dear Greek and loving it,
I was enjoying this UNTIL the matinee idol got up to dance. ONE matinee idol and TWO damsels! I wouldn’t put up with, I WOULDN’T!! And WHY should I? KJ.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
The Ginger Man – This reminded me of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOP8001XiQE&feature=fvw
October 6th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Greek and loving it,
Aponi Zoe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ne7FXitcTA&feature=related
October 7th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Dear TGM,
I knew that you would come back to us.
In our Living, Lubbin’, Learning community we will surely help KJ through her flight phobia.
It may help to know that the top four phobias are acrophobia, arachnophobia, public speaking, and flying.
I have a fear of living out my life without a male companion. I don’t know whether my condition has a name.
However, I am CERTAIN there is no simulation for my phobia.
Love to All,
Marry Me.
Aaaah – you really are a Sweetheart – perhaps this will help……
Are you aware that millions of people are RIGHT NOW simulating life – WITH their ‘companions’?
KJ.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Dear KJ,
Please tell Marry me that when one single Australian is hurting, I feel pain too.
Suffer the people to come unto me for I am – according to recent opinion polls – Mr 67% – the one and only saviour.
As a wise man once said:
Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
I am not a dead The Rev Kev.
I shall rise again.
Just watch me.
The Rev Kev – not drowning, just taking a well earned nap.
Dear The Rev Kev,
When you go to Church with Therese just WHO do you workship? KJ.
October 7th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Dear Marry Me,
I’m in a struggle with gravity at the moment, but I’ll get back to you soon.
Have you ever flown a 747 and seen Rockhampton by night?
October 7th, 2009 at 11:20 am
ENROUTE TO ROME VIA ROCKHAMPTON
Good afternoon, passengers on The Wounded Duck, and we trust that you are having an enjoyable flight on TAA, the Friendly Way.
You may have observed that we appear to be flying upside down, but that is an optical illusion caused by light refraction.
However, all seat belts must continue to be fastened.
An absinthe trolley is being provided by Flight Attendant Godwin Grech.
He is the small man with suction caps on his feet.
(No one rang us – we could have confirmed this THREE days ago!
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/10/07/2706782.htm )
Meanwhile……..
You may have noticed that smoke is emerging from the starboard engine, but this should not be a cause for alarm. It is merely an emission from the Winfield Blue, Stockmans, and Benson and Hedges overload from the aircraft.
PLEASE OBSERVE THE ‘SMOKE NOW’ SIGNS.
You may also note that there is considerable VIBRATION on the aircraft, and this is intentional.
The vibrations, or ‘purr-brations’, are in the 20-50 hertz range, the same as those of a cat’s purr.
Passengers with osteoporosis or spinal problems can benefit from this feature. When a cat purrs it is actually healing itself. So you are flying in a HEALING VIBRATOR.
Please have a good flight.
This is Captain Tom Baker of TAA, the Friendly Way.
SHIT SOMETHING JUST BLOODY WELL FELL OFF! Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.
We’re going in. WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!
To be continued…………..
October 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Hi KJ,
I know this is officially an AFL site – and too bloody right too, BUT whaddya make of
Johnnie Howard being touted as the next big poobah in Rugby League?
And – if he is – what will Janette do with all those old Wallaby shirts he used to go walkies in?
Yrs,
Gaz.
Dear Mr Handjob,
Question (1) – BEWILDERED would be an understatement. And if the job includes investigating the woeful catalogue of so-called ‘off-field’ incidents generated by a game that has NEVER thrilled me – it HARDLY seems appropriate for perhaps our most treasured elder statesman.
Question (2) – Ebay. Many are signed by the so-called greats of ANOTHER game that has also NEVER managed to thrill me……..
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/10/07/2706698.htm
KJ.