KJ’s Wedding Dress Is Off At Moruya Airport!
Another BONUS tale from KJ’s tortured world of regional aviation…..
Please note: If there’s anything that you’re ‘not quite getting’ keep calm and IMMEDIATELY refer to my previous post.
……So, there I was (as usual) FULL of in-flight bucket loads of Valium, dribbling (as usual) and on approach at the picturesque NSW South Coast hamlet of Moruya.
…..Sister waiting to whisk me away for a much-needed break. She (as usual) had gone through all HER KJ pre-landing procedures - she’d put the back seat of her car down. For I am always conveyed from airports in an horizontal state.
Bump, bump, bumpedy, BUMP……..
Ladies and gentleman we have landed at Moruya Airport. If you need a hire car see me BUT I’ll tell you one thing: If that dribbling creature in 1F wants one, she’s outta luck. Talk about out of it, TALK about it……
KJ falls down the stairs into the arms of sister:
O God, O GOD….I don’t mind you getting your hands on my super but not like this, NOT like this, Deeeeear, G……Go……GOD!
Baggage collection trolley turns up. My bag is NOT on it…….
I want my bag, baag is aaaaall I have lefttttt, is aaaalll I have left…….I WANT MY BAG……
Bob, Bob, Bobbedy Bob……..(plane starting to move onto tarmac for take-off)
Coming quickly down from the Valium overdose, KJ is disorientated. Runs inside to Check-In Man.
You haaaave to stooop the plane, you haaaave to. My WEDDING DRESS is on the plane, my WEDDING DRESS is on THAT PLANE……
(cr: yuxuan.fishy.wang: flickr)
(Sister: Your WEDDING DRESS?!!! – at least you could have told Gwennie. You are so, SO selfish……..UN-BLOODY-BELIEVABLE!!!)
Check-In Man is on two-way to pilot………
Thrust, thrust, thrustedy THRUST………..take off imminent.
Check-In Man: I am so sorry but the pilot’s COMMITTED. I am so sorry……
KJ: He’s COMMITTED!!! I’m the one getting married…..I’m the one getting married……
Check-In Man: Please, please calm down. And exactly when are you getting married…..?
KJ: Daybreak tomorrow. We want it to be different….The wedding party is gonna have pics taken on an oyster bed with NO footwear. Heeeeear meee: NO footwear!!!
Check-In Man: I swear to God we will move Heaven and Earth to have your wedding dress back to you ASAP….
Up Shot:
Ten phone calls from frantic airline staff telling me exactly where MY wedding dress IS on its urgent passage. One plane, two taxis, three couriers, one Armaguard Van AND a specially commissioned RAAF Hecules mercy dash later, MY wedding dress is back in Moruya.
*I don’t know what overcame me. I don’t know why I shouted MY WEDDING DRESS IS ON THAT PLANE, setting in train the bizarre sequence of events.
I SHOULD NOT FLY, I CANNOT FLY………..AND I WILL NEVER MARRY!
THE GINGER MAN
cr: Howard R Hollem (Library of Congress) flickr
*The Ginger Man is still enroute to Rome via Rockhampton with Captain Baker (sort of) at the controls. Godwin Grech and Nurse Try Do are on trolley duties and the Chief Monk is whirlin’ in the aisles: I can see da rooof of El Monasterie El Gundagai from here – YESSIREETRUEBOBDAT!!!!.
All the action in TGM’s latest masterpiece, Adrenaline Air, is unfolding in our comments section.
******ALL correspondents just take a deep breath and go for it!!
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
Comment of the Week
October 7th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin’,
Keep them engines rollin’…..
RAW FLY!
Blu-Tack holds it together,
Through all kinds of weather…..
(So long as Try Do’s by your side…..)
Spinnin’, Spinnin’, Spinnin’….
Keep them Dervish Spinnin’,
Let’s FLY!
October 7th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Control Tower, Rockhampton.
Come in TAA 101. Wounded Duck, do you copy?
WD: Roger that.
CT: Can I speak to Roger?
WD: He’s having a drink with Captain Baker. Do you read?
CT: Copy that. 10-4, Wilco, out.
WD: Who’s Will?
CT: We have PM The Rev Kev and General Cosgrove to help you overcome this Emergency. Do you have the flight manual, Wounded Duck?
WD: Let’s see. ‘The Good Weekend’, ‘Woman’s Day’, ‘Financial Review’, ‘The Sportsman’, ‘Ralph’…got to be here somewhere……..We are COMING IN SOON…….
CT: YOU’RE BREAKING UP… PLEASE REPEAT….
WD: YEP, WE ARE BREAKING UP ALL RIGHT. LISTEN, I AM TRYING TO FLY THIS BOX OF BIRDS UPSIDE DOWN… OVER AND OUT…..
To be continued…….
October 7th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I am piloting with the assistance of last week’s TV Guide.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Dear KJ,
I’m terribly worried about Malcolm.
Yes I know my dear friend Joe has pledged his undying loyalty, but if that’s true why’s he planning to make a major speech about his relationship with God?
C’mon Joe – what’s the game? (and anyway I did it first years ago).
If there’s any talkin’ to the Big Fella to be done – leave it to the expert – The Rev Kev.
And, incidentally, thinking of Malcolm – where’s little Godwin when you really need him?
Meanwhile, although this is extremely difficult for me, I shall be keeping a very low profile in the coming days.
Why float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, when the Libs can do the work for you?
God Bless Australia,
The Very Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
We are ALL very worried about Malcolm. What a bizarre spectacle – a delusionary man presenting himself to the media earlier today to talk about slashing government debt when ‘he assumes office….’ Also on board, Stalker Big Joe making what appeared to be multiple signs of the cross.
In the meantime, I’m missing your hourly addresses to the nation.
*Big op missed today: ‘Let me just say that all Australians should rug up in these unseasonally nippy conditions…..’ KJ.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
A web master who dribbles while under the influence of little helpers…..?
I have a friend who recently visited.
Kept wiping her mouth.
Very concerned, I asked her: Watcha doin’?
I’m dribbling all the time. Been to the doctor.
He said it could be an early warning of Alzeimers……
Dear Megsy,
Thank you for that. Great, bloody great. KJ.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
ENROUTE TO ROME VIA ROCKHAMPTON….
The Chief Monk: Lord Ginge, Lord Ginge, there’s Somebody out dere!
TGM: Yes, there does appear to be some creature on the port wing.
The Chief Monk: It El Hairie Arish, the Demon ob Demons!
TGM: Well, tell him to stop mucking around with the engine, and Come Down Immediately.
The Chief Monk: He muckin de Hengine, we all goin down. He Haire Arish, fra de Lower Depths ob de Hell. He de Big Bastard ob the Bastards.
TGM: Oh, shut up Chief Monk.
Captain Baker: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. Pull up, pull up. We gonna die.
TGM: Oh, shut up Captain, and enjoy the flight. And have a look for that Flight Manual. It might be under your ‘Ralph’ mag.
To be continued……..
October 8th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Just so you ALL know who you’re dealing with…..
I am a proud member of the REGIONAL airline mile-high club.
Dear Ex-Leetonite,
Yet ANOTHER delusionary person operating in here…….
How, where, WHY?
IMPOSSIBLE! – sedated or NOT……KJ.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Control to Wounded Duck, do you read?
TGM: Copy that.
Control: Do NOT panic. Do you have any farewell messages?
TGM: Just play this (I am so young, so darn young…..)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuQA9gLhlco
October 9th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Ex Leetonite,
I am so proud of you being a member of The Regional Mile High Club. Why not go National?
Alas, I can only boast The Mile Under Club – a gold mine in Tassie.
TE.
Dear TE,
Welcome! It’s always great to see gals pursue non-traditional avenues of…….excitement. KJ.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
ENROUTE TO ROME VIA ROCKHAMPTON
Mon Dieu!
What are you people squabbling about when I am leading my people to liberte?
The controls of this mechanism are less difficult than my imperial carriage at Waterloo.
Vive la France!
The bloodied beak of the Imperial Eagle will strike again…….
The Marquis de la Ginge is at my side.
To be continued…………
October 9th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
ENROUTE TO ROME VIA ROCKHAMPTON
Flight deck door shatters.
You cannot fly the plane? Lemme at it.
My name is Joe Hockey, JOE HOCKEY……
To be continued…..
October 9th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
ENROUTE TO ROME VIA ROCKHAMPTON
Please Mister Hockey Stick, please Mister Hockey Stick……return to yo seat.
All under control, yesirreebobtruedat.
To be continued.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
This reminds me of the old days – flying out of Bletchley with a plane load of Fellatio Parachutists determined to bring death and humiliation to the SS in Berlin, along with art critics trained by Blunt to pour scorn on Hitler’s paintings.
……Then coming back to the sound of Vera Lynn, and a bottle of the green stuff.
Why is everything so BLOODY WHITE?
To be continued.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Control Tower: You have landed safely on Runway Two.
TGM: Good to be in East Timor – Timor L’Este. Territory of the Free. No mistakes this time.
Control Tower: You make one very big mistake, Irishman. This is WEST Timor. You will be all taken into custody and brought before Grand General Bim Bang Golly Whata Bim Bang, the Territory Governor.
Captain Baker: We’re all gonna die!
Napoleon: I demand full imperial rights as extended to me on Elba and St Helena.
TGM: Shut up, Nappy, this is serious. Break out the Pacific oysters that seem to have crashed through the windows, and serve them for breakfast.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Meeting Grand General Bim Bang Golly Whata Bim Bang, the Territory Governor of East Timor was inauspicious.
Hanging upside down over a saltwater crocodile is not the best for introductions.
Chief Monk: I spin fra yo Ginerall! Kooran say lub yo enemas! One enema at a time! Truedat, YESSIREEBOB…..!
Grand General Bim Bang Golly Whata Bim Bang: You and your Darvish heretic friend are in for some interesting experiences. Do have a last request?
TGM: Yes, give me an Absinthe and play this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naC0PIL0EXE
October 10th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
The Rev Kev,
What movies ARE you seeing, and what films do people think are a MUST for you?
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/10/10/2710390.htm
October 10th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Hand me down my walkin’ frame,
Hand me down my walkin’ frame,
Hand me down my walkin’ frame….
Gonna leave on the Midnight Train,
All My Sins Are Taken Away.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:55 am
It’s the middle of two weeks school holiday.
Two boys at the front door.
Is G at home?
Sure! You want him to come and play?
Yes. We’re making a bomb.
Fine. But first he’s got to get out of his pyjamas.
Dear Greek & loving it,
Good work! In years to come you DON’T want to have a juvenile delinquent on your hands telling the social worker: ‘I am angry because my cruel and overbearing Mummy wouldn’t let me make a bomb, she wouldn’t let me make a bomb….. ‘ KJ.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Hello The Exhibitionist,
I don’t want to go National.
I’ve spent many years carving out a niche for myself in the exclusive ranks of REGIONAL airlines’ Mile High Clubs.
I’m Faster than The Ginger Man with MORE manoeuvres than Captain Baker.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Dear Mr The Dude,
The Rev Kev recomends The Sound of Music for all working families.
As that movie person says on Radio National – see you in the front stalls.
(And let’s have no cheap tweets like: not if I see you first).
The Rev Kev.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Operating freely under the exhortation: “ALL correspondents just take a deep breath and go for it!! ”
Well, I’ve arrived here while contemplating doing a joint article with a poet on ‘Love and Disappointment’. The poet is putting the pressure on, setting deadlines – end of October, what shall I do!!?
Another complication is that I want to include these words from Gerard Manley Hopkins:
High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing
In his ecstasy! then off, off forth on swing…
No wonder of it: shéer plód makes plough down sillion
Shine, and blue-bleak embers, ah my dear,
Fall, gall themselves, and gash gold-vermilion.
and these…
Only what word
Wisest my heart breeds dark heaven’s baffling ban
Bars or hell’s spell thwarts. This to hoard unheard,
Heard unheeded, leaves me a lonely began
I was thinking about this as a confirmed bachelor-hermit from northern NSW who travels on trains, realising that there might be some communication barriers in dealing with a confirmed spinster from southern NSW who travels on planes.
We can be quite poetic when saying our prayers on a plane flight, no? Can we draw upon Hopkins’ The Windhover? And answer the question of Love and Disappointment at the same time?
Can anyone help me? Maybe I should just steal the Flight Captain’s joke book…then again, Love and Disappointment are serious matters.
Dear Mr Hence the Hermit,
* I’ve also taken the liberty and posted (and replied) to this correspondence under our new ‘Love at First Sight’ story. Fits in very well there as well. And more people will get to meet our new Hermit under a new post. KJ.