Email to:Father Forgive Hec: He Know Not What He Try Do.
The Riverina wheat harvest…….bountiful, relentless toil by strong men with the joys and disappointments of working an unforgiving land etched in their faces……
Pretty women in floral bubble skirts running and dancing in the fields, delivering wicker baskets of devon sandwiches to these same men – God Is Good, God Is VERY Good and he just keeps giving!
……Fathers and sons singing traditional songs long into the night, as they drive their giant John Deere harvesters even harder: Up there Cazaly, in there and fight, out there and at ‘em, show ‘em your might…..
But sometimes, God CANNOT remain Good….
Quite the contrary. He gets furious.
For yet again, reports are flooding in of Leeton folk committing mortal sins of a gross nature: fornicating with cousins – thrice removed – wantonly switching allegiances from Australian Football to League, rorting irrigation allocations, having (by far) the largest bundy and coke alcopop per capita consumption in the land………
So He looks down and decrees: SEND IN THE HARVEST MICE!
(cr:clocker:flickr)
When I was youngeth, there was ONE mice plague which dwarfed all other.
A plague so gross that Leeton morphed into ONE big mouse with people and houses riding on the back of it.
So, at our place, Hec – who’s always very bad but cannot, just CANNOT give God a guarantee that things will change - declares WAR.
A Man CAN’T take any more of this (mouse lands on head).
……A Man’ll have bugger all left if THIS continues (mouse jumps into beer).
Kids, wear ya bed socks, word is they’re eatin’ chooks’ feet right off, RIGHT OFF (mouse skips across head, hits TV set, ricochets back into fresh beer).
Gwennie, NO food, NO eatin’ in THIS joint until I get things under control…..(Yes Hector)…….(mouse with arrowroot biscuit in mouth swings from light fitting, lands in cupboard: attacks vegemite).
Heavy artillery rolls out of the boot of the Holden: two hundred mouse traps and a 35 lb block of cheddar.
In the evening – just after ‘This Day Tonight’ and just before ‘My Names McGooley, What’s Yours?’ – Trapper Hec declares:
There’s work to be done!
Our house is rendered one big booby mouse trap. And Trapper Hec – always the perfectionist - leaves nothing to chance: carefully placing loaded devices at intervals of precisely nine inches. Immediately, they’re going off:
Bang clappa bang, bang clappa bang, bang clappa bang, bang clappa bang…
Blood curdling squeals mock the still of the night.
Bindi-Boo-Major – already the most foul tempered family pet in the Riverina - is the first casuality. He’s hit a mouse landmine and a combination of shock and fury propels him into one of his signature frenzies.
Everyone knows NOT to approach Bindi-Boo-Major.
From the back of his throat, his ‘come near me and I’ll kill you’ urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh….
Trapper Hec keeps his cool: Don’t worry, he’s outta the trap, he’s outta the bloody trap…..he’s okay…..
urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh..
Everbody stand back, let a dog have his space:
urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh…
Gwennie take the kids to the sleep-out please, off ya go, off ya go:
urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh….
By now, Bindi-Boo-Major has regained his equilibrium. Cold, hard revenge is on his mind:
urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh, urrrrgggh….
He’s showing off. Skipping through the mouse traps, showing his self-preservation instincts. Darting here, darting there – letting off dozens and dozens of traps with great precision:
Bang clappa bang, bang clappa bang, bang clappa bang, bang clappa bang….
Bindi-Boo-Major’s insolence finally flickers and dies in the sleep-out as the last of Trapper Hec’s devices is rendered safe.
With the timing and agility of a one-time boxer, Trapper Hec approaches Bindi-Boo-Major. He’s shadow boxing with an exhausted dog:
Trapper Hec turns to his loved ones – still huddled in the corner. Points to Bindi-Boo-Major:
You want vermin, you want vermin? THIS is vermin, THIS IS VERMIN. Tie him up, someone go and tie him up….. NOW please……right NOW please!
************************************************
*Can’t wait to hear from you. BIG themes this week: pestilence, resilience, what it means to be a Man, what it means to be only half a one…..if God is Good, why does he let patently NOT good things happen?…..and anything else that takes your fancy. How are things at your place?
Love to know if they’re in good shape or quite the opposite. In kerriejean.com, everything’s valid so have a go.
New posters not only welcomed, treasured.
THE GINGER MAN
He’s all outta love this week – but that hasn’t stopped him…….
Contemporary Cleft Stick: cr:sunrise seven: flickr
His brand new ‘The Cleft Stick Chronicles’ kick off (as usual) in our comments section.
I often ask myself: What makes The Ginger Man Run?
Answer? Dunno but I’m sure glad he does!
For folks new to Lord Ginge, he’s our Passion-Aggressive Adventurer. Make where he goes YOUR business. He came in here via Trinity College and Bletchley Park. Impeccable credentials for an impeccable storyteller.
Enjoy Lord Ginge before ‘The New Statesman’ comes along with $US and swipes him…….
******ALL correspondents just take a deep breath and go for it!!
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it
Prawn Cutlet Award
November 9th, 2009 at 9:39 am
I think I was in Collingullie (near Wagga) the very same year!
Every night my boyfriend and I had to stand the four bed legs in a plastic buckets full of water to prevent the little buggers joining us.
In the morning a grisly find, sodden mice – most dead. The live ones were fed to kelpies out back. Good micers those kelpies.
Obviously Bindi-Boo-Major was of another breed?
*I found this confronting report of a mice plague in ’southern Australia’. People just don’t realise how bad it can be. Approach with caution.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3RLmErp43k
Dear Greek and loving it,
Ed’s note: I thought twice about putting up this video – we do want people to enjoy their time in here, EVEN come back…
STILL – the late great Peter Cullen (Illawarra Mercury) once told me: ‘Don’t be afraid of the truth KJ, do NOT be afraid of the truth….’
*Bindy-Boo-Major was supposedly a pure bred Australian Silkie Terrier. BUT he didn’t look like one. He was black with red eyes and a mouth jammed full of teeth which resembled industrial cold meat slicers.
KJ.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:17 am
There was some astonishment when a man ran into the room carrying a cleft stick….
Cleft sticks have long been my favoured method of communication. Fast and reliable.
It was for that reason that I included in my cultural grant application to The Rev Kev for twenty thousand dollars for Cleft Stick Communications.
Its acceptance and a message from Peter Garrett and Penny Wong (an old acquaintance) advocating the Fat Boy Festival, via a Cleft Stick is in line with The Rev Kev’s ambition to put a Cleft Sick in every Australian home by 2020.
The Fat Boy Festival backs all governments in their attempts is to de-demonize nuclear energy.
It is designed to give a YOUTHFUL image to the Fat Man project of World War II.
Fat Man is the codename for the atomic bomb that was detonated over Nagasaki, Japan, by the United States on August 9, 1945, at 11:02.
I have replied to the Government (via Cleft Stick) that following the delivery of a shipment of such sticks I shall be taking my ‘Fat Boy’ campaign to the Sydney Opera House.
Cleft Sticks have a long history. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cleft_stick
I am sending this message to you KJ via a Cleft Stick.
I look forward to sharing the power and the mystery of cleft sticks all this week in kerriejean.com…
To be continued.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Came downstairs As An Act Of Courage.
Saw the story about the mice – gave me the heebie jeebies.
I have decided to grow a mo for Movember as yet Another Act Of Courage.
If I do not get a result, I shall have to borrow a merkin from Under The Table Top Man.
*Ed’s note: if anyone would like to sponsor The Knuckle’s mo, please contact him directly. KJ.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:39 am
The Round Australia Cleft Stick Run will have a Latino motif:
CLEFT STICK CARAMBA!
De Castella will run with a Cleft Stick Olympic Flame.
Cathy Freeman will carry Cliff Young’s ashes in a Cleft Stick Urn.
Godwin Grech will run with an email in his Cleft Stick.
We need some antipathy to gain publicity. Fortunately, the Reverend Fred Nile has already done this by saying that the Cleft Stick is a wicked and pagan symbol, representing not only genitalian but Satanic, cloven-hoof symbols.
The Rev Kev will send the Speaker of the House of Representatives with a Highly Stimulatin’ Cleft Stick Package.
He has also announced Climate Change Friendly Cleft Sticks will be distributed to every household.
The Opposition Leader has promised to support Cleft Stick Education in all primary schools.
Cardinal Pell has an incense-burning sensor hanging from his Cleft Stick.
The Chief of the Australian Defence Force has announced that Cleft Sticks will be sent to all military in Iraq and Afghanistan.
President Obama has hailed the Australian initiative, saying:
We face many long and difficult struggles in the time ahead. Can we do it? With the Cleft Stick, yes we can. Yes, WE CAN!
The New York Stock Exchange reports that the use of Cleft Sticks has created a surge in market prices.
We are seeing a new confidence from brokers when they wave their Cleft Sticks said the President of the Exchange.
Economists are already talking about ‘the CS Factor’ in the financial turn around.
Cleft Sticks are also being sent to Palestine as a method of facilitating Israeli-Hamas negotiations.
Just as prehistoric man discovered sticks could be made into spears to combat the Sabre Tooth Tiger, postmodern man has rediscovered the Cleft Stick as the ultimate answer.
The Five Super Puppies, and Fingo – the half-dingo, half-fox – have CFs in their jaws as we run towards Canberra, and so does Tigger, the Sumatran Tiger.
Kev The Kanga has a Cleft Stick in his pouch.
The Chief Monk has a red umbrella spinning in his, and Miss MontyRose Stiffington-Skidmarks has a Cleft Stick holding a large pink papier mache heart.
We are looking at national CLEFTOMANIA!
To Be Continued.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I have just sent a shipment of Cleft Sticks to the Wallabies for their match against Ireland. They are equal to any shilleleagh.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I once stored some furniture and other goods in a farm shed.
Let me tell you KJ and Greek and loving it, RATS are bigger than mice.
Holes and nests in everything.
The worst was the piddle of olympic swimming pool dimensions…….and the stench.
I’ll be forever thankful no video was taken.
Not even of the massive bonfire that took three days to burn itself out.
Dear sweet Megsy,
This is dreadful, DREADFUL……
I’ve been in the business a long time and I’ve NEVER come across anything like this.
WHY didn’t you ring me? I would have been out of the office like a shot – armed with microphone and photographer.
I then would have launched an appeal for folks to make a donation to replace poor Megsy’s rat-ruined household contents.
And you woulda got a WHOLE darn house (and more) full of the best Megsy, full of the best!
Would that have been such a bad thing…? KJ.
November 9th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
ODE TO THE CLEFT STICK.
O noble yet simple, such an instrument:
Symbol of hope in all our predicaments,
Bearer of good tidings in darkest hours,
Sprouting all over, like blossoming flowers.
Monarchist, or Republican, Freemason or Mick,
We all come together, through thin and thick…….
United together, with our Precious Cleft Stick.
November 10th, 2009 at 4:18 am
With all this talk of pestilence, here is how I use my cleft stick – and you can too – when tapeworm becomes a problem.
All you need is:
1. Supply of cream buns
2. Cleft stick
Insert cream buns as suppositories every hour on the hour.
After twelfth time, desist.
When Tape Worm sticks his head out and demands a cream bun, whack it with a Cleft Stick.
Dear The Dude,
Thank you. KJ.
November 10th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Dear Megsy,
Look on the bright side – every now and then we all need a clean out…..
November 10th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Cleft Stick, Oh Cleft Stick,
Lovely perch for doves…
Carry my message, please
High up above…..
Miss MontyRose Stiffington-Skidmarks
Miss MontyRose Stiffington-Skidmarks,
Is So Much In Love.
November 10th, 2009 at 6:57 am
PANTIES IN MY CLEFT STICK
There were some panties in my cleft stick,
When I got home last night…
My wife, when she found them,
My word she got a fright.
And now I’m in the hospital,
With cleft stick wounds,
And a bite….
A sad and sorry sight.
Because of those pink panties,
In my cleft stick,
When I got home last night.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:52 am
To all regular contributors….
Please do not read this if you do not actively contribute to this blog but you can read it if you are THINKING of contributing at some point.
I have been contributing to this blog for well over a year now as part of my research work plan (initial phase) ‘to contribute to online social media and become part of a vibrant intellectual community.’
So far, so good.
But today I entered the second phase of my research ‘to explore a range of blogs and compare and contrast content with kerriejean.com with a view to contextualizing meaningful dialogue in the contemporary Australian digital register.’
In other words this week for the first time I perused other blogs. NO mention of cleft sticks. NO Latin Week lessons.
The closest kerriejean.com comes to anything normal is her post: Hard Times For Public Nipples.
I had no idea that my blog contributions would (if I were elsewhere) be confined to what the hell?! or yeah.
I don’t know whether I should hold you KJ responsible for the extra work involved in my contributions or to thank you from being caught up in (on other blogs) conversations at an undergraduate level.
I do think though that I should let all fellow contributors know so that they can make a informed decision as to whether they want to remain part of this ‘unusual’ community or go off and have an easier life.
I’m sorry KJ I don’t want to spoil the party but transparency is important.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Yeah, WHAT THE HELL?!
There’s so much to respond to in this missive….
First things first: I DON’T believe in easy fixes:
NOT when it comes to botox, not when it comes to an ETS, NOT when it comes to clawing out meaning in a world where every birth notice is, in reality, a death notice, NOT when it comes to trying to love well but – in reality – knowing that when I love badly I feel most alive, trying to catch a falling star only to find it lands on my head and leaves an unsightly puncture mark……
The Lonely Scholar: a challenge. In the sanitised Halls Of The Academy, have you never felt all these things – AND MORE?
PS: The ‘Cleft Stick Chronicles’ ARE The Ginger Man at the height of his powers. And my story ‘Hard Time For Public Nipples’ remains popular more than one year after publication – particularly in army barracks throughout the western world.
*Is there anything you DON’T understand in this beautiful refrain: ‘There were some panties in my cleft stick when I got home last night……?
Sincerely, KJ.
November 10th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Dear KJ and friends of this site,
Imagine a two-week holiday…..fun, fun fun, sun, sun, sun…….
Imagine coming home to find that two possums have set up home in your blanket box.
Possums resistant to moth killer.
Note: Possums do not like the satin trim on blankets but they go for just about EVERYTHING else.
Dear The Comer,
Video please, video please? KJ.
November 10th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Dear Brave The Knuckle,
I love men with facial hair – always have.
Good luck with your Movember campaign.
Keep the doona away from your head – could be a source of irritation with the (fast) developing mo.
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
A secret – facial hair (on a man) has never really done it for me – PARTICULARLY of the mo configuration.
I’m always waiting for a man with a mo to pull a rabbit out of a hat. Which I know is darn near impossible. KJ.
November 10th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
The Neanderthal Climate Change Cleft Stick Gladiator Games on Manuka Oval have been outstanding thanks to the organising ability of Mr Joe Hockey Cleft Stick, who dressed himself in animal skins and led his band onto the pitch.
We must stay FOCUSED (he said)
Skin and hair flew as the two political teams went for it with their Cleft Sticks.
Fullback Malcolm Turnbull – dressed in leopard skin – was Cleft Stick Man of the Match, cracking Barnaby Joyce’s head in the match.
The Emission Traders were never faulted in their contest with The Climate Sceptics.
Cleft runner, Godwin Grech, provided valuable service with refreshments at half-time and filed an e-mail news report for ‘Cleft Stick News’.
At match’s end Joe Hockey Cleft Stick said the day had been a stern reminder of what the future may hold.
Try Do had her first experience of being a cheerleader.
She looked striking in her pom poms and short skirt. But, she was very quiet, very nervous…….
Into the microphone she almost whispered: I Try Do. And this one is for my dear friend, The Chief Monk. Yessireetruebobdat…
Then, she started to sing – and Manuka Oval erupted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob6RRcw3V3A
Quite nicely done Try Do……(I said)
Coming soon – Cleft Stick Hockey, and Cleft Stick Tennis in Leeton, New South Wales.
November 10th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Dear KJ,
Since The Rev Kev took over the ALP can I just say that the party has been completely cleansed of RATS.
It’s been a terrible problem in the past – particularly in Canberra – sure the streets looked clean, but just below the surface the place once seethed with rodents.
CSIRO reckoned there was always a rat within 10 metres of you where ever you were – or, if you happened to be in Parliament House, the figure went down to five metres! I don’t like to mention names, but Mal Colston springs to mind……..
Thank you for bringing this problem to the attention of the nation. As a close friend of the chair, I’ll be bringing the matter up at Copenhagen.
But first India!
God Bless Australia,
The Rev Kev.
PS: As a national stimulatin’ infrastructure visionary big picture blue sky project, how about a National Rat Fence, coast to coast?
Dear The Rev Kev,
I wish to God there’d been a National Rat Fence when my dating career was at its height. The problems that came my way from interstate…..you’ve got no idea, NO idea!
Enjoy India. AND do remember, RAAF cabin staff are just doing their job, just trying to do their job. KJ.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:01 am
Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten News Update from Parliament House, Canberra.
The Prime Minister has just announced that a Cleft Stick will be Australia’s symbol at the climate change talks in Copenhagen.
The Rev Kev said the Cleft Stick brought together ancient and postmodern cultures and was a sign for the need for Communication in Copenhagen.
The Cleft Stick is the precise Communicator Symbol we need in Copenhagen….
Don’t be a Lefty, be a Clefty he told Greens Senator Bob Brown.
Ralph Blur for Channel Ten News..
To be continued.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Yesterday afternoon – 4pm – my backyard.
Two nine-year-old boys, one half Greek, the other indigenous Australian, hunt with cleft sticks for a large brown rat near the compost bin. We nearly got him mum!
Sticks and rats for reconciliation!
Dear Greek and loving it,
And they WILL get him today, yes they will! KJ.
*I have always been ANTI backyard compost bins, believing them to be a magnet for vermin. Whenever I express this honestly held opinion, I get shouted down. Thank you for the ammo. KJ.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Will The Rev Kev allow SOUNDPROOFING as well as those other insulation rebates?
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/11/11/2739039.htm
Dear The Dude,
Mrs Cartwright is faking it. She is a publicity seeker of the worst variety. KJ.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Dear KJ,
The biggest pest I have come across while using our overcrowded and inefffective public transport system is the Odour Ogre.
We all have crossed his path.
I suggest that the transport minister include personal deodorant sticks attached to the over head hand grips.
Dear Public Transport Commuter,
Welcome! A significant day for our little community – our first ever SOLUTION based poster. Congratulations! KJ.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:27 am
*Ed’s note. ‘Cleft Stick In My Panties’ is the companion piece to ‘Panties In My Cleft Stick’, thus completing Mr Lebowski’s groundbreaking meditation, the Cleft Stick panties couplet.
Mr Lebowski, our poet-in-residence, has been working on his Cleft Stick panties project in a small cottage in the Snowy since September last year.
CLEFT STICK IN MY PANTIES
There was a Cleft Stick in my panties,
When I got home last night…
And when my husband found it,
It caused oh such a fright.
And now I’m in the divorce court,
A sad and sorry sight,
Because…
There was a Cleft Stick in my panties,
When I got home last night.
Ed’s note. For readers who may have missed Mr Lebowski’s first piece in his Cleft Stick panties couplet project, here it is.
PANTIES IN MY CLEFT STICK
There were some panties in my cleft stick,
When I got home last night…
My wife, when she found them,
My word she got a fright.
And now I’m in the hospital,
With cleft stick wounds,
And a bite….
A sad and sorry sight.
Because of those pink panties,
In my cleft stick,
When I got home last night.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Dear The Ginger Man,
As I’ve already explained, my Yogi is a Jack Russell, ratter by trade, friend of Fingo and the Five Super Puppies.
Recently, a very large mouse (or a small rat) took up residency hehind my stove.
What can I do to encourage Yogi to remain true to his career path, as nature decreed….?
Hurry, fat mouse (or small rat) getting bigger by the minute.
Love,
Boo Boo.
Dear Boo Boo,
If this problem is NOT fixed today, your stove will be rendered useless, kaput! Just ask Megsy: a stove was among her stored household goods destroyed by rats in a country shed. She reports that her WHITEGOODS were the worst affected, particularly those branded LG (Life’s Good!) KJ.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Dear Boo Boo,
This is a White Board situation.
Please avoid any attempts by vets to administer drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder.
Yogi just has a kind heart. I have had the same problem with rodents dancing on the noses of Fingo and the Five Super Puppies as they slept. Imagine my disgust when I found a large rat sleeping in the coat of Tigger!
The only answer is the White Board:
1. This figure is a RAT.
2. This is a Jack Russell dog.,
3. This is your ancestral history of rodent killers.
4. This is your Mind Map for the ridding of pests in the household.
Best wishes, TGM.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Dear Boo Boo,
After Sabi is repatriated to Australia after gallant service in Afghanistan perhaps Sabi can join the Five Super Puppies and Fingo, the dingo-foxie, in a new Search and Destroy Rodent Operation with Yogi as the New Recruit.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/11/12/2740514.htm
November 12th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Thanks The Ginger Man. Am off to Officeworks with shopping list:
1. One white board.
2. One white board marker.
So glad to hear that Yogi is not psychotic!
Thanks again,
Boo Boo.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Dear KJ,
At age nine, an impressionable young man of my acquaintance took this, his first ever photograph, in Leeton during what may have been the start of a mouse plague…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nationalmediamuseum/3084038589/
He has never been the same since.
Yours respectfully,
The V-Man.
PS: My compliments to the Ginger Man, an old colleague when we shared a cable room at Sofia Station.
Some way to the west and south of the fair city of Leeton, there is a saying, possibly traceable to the Germanic origins of many of the early settlers.
Dat man? He have a cleft stick upstuck his cleft.
Dat man? The cleft stick upstuck his cleft have a cleft stick upstuck its cleft.
Dat man? An expedition mounted long long ago to find the cleft stick upstuck…MESSAGE INTERRUPTED DUE TO ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS.
Greetings Mr The V-Man,
The Ginger Man WILL be in touch. There’s nothing he enjoys more than a celebratory absinthe with old comrades. KJ.
November 13th, 2009 at 4:53 am
When people are old and grey and sitting by the fire take down this Stick…….
Remember the days of the Cleft in Leeton, those zestful days of youth when Acacia Avenue bristled with Cleft Sticks answering Australia’s Call……
Who could forget?
Certainly not Australia’s most legendary show caller, Kerrie Jean Ross, whose coverage of the C.G. Pipe Band, the Swig Swag Sway Pole and the Flying Lotaras at the Leeton Show carved her name into the Show Callers Hall of Fame.
Yet this dazzling damsel, this compere extraordinaire, this Show Caller Superbus, this Leeton Larry King, darling of the Big Parade, says the Cleft Stick Carnivala in her home town surpassed all expectations.
Who could forget?
Who could forget the Bishop of Wagga giving a Cleft Stick Blessing to the multitude? Who could forget the massed female choir singing the anthem, I’m Looking for a Stick
Who could forget the manly stride of the young Leeton army cadet corps as they marched singing, We’re Here Because We’re Here
We recall forever the Von Cleft singers from Vienna and their rendition of:
Cleft Stick Nice
Cleft Stick Nice
Bless my Homeland Forever.
The skill and finesse of the Cleft Stick Throwers? The golden tones of the Cleft Stick Choristers?
Who could forget?
The Cannery Clefters, the Riverina Rompers, the Griffith G-Spotters?
Who can forget?
If when we are old and grey and sitting by the fire and Take Down This Stick, and our memory has faded, all will come back to us when we remember how the Leeton Cleft Strick Ratters saved the town.
To be continued.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Leeton, New South Wales.
Slept overnight in the trees of Acacia Avenue with the Five Super Puppies, Fingo, Kev the Kanga and Tigger standing guard.
The Chief Monk and MsMeatTrayjesjokin MontyRose Stiffington-Skidmarks had their own Love Tree. They kept feeding each other like love birds.
Time to move on. But to where? Who knows where the road will lead us, only a fool could say….
November 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
V-Man.
Those were the days, Vladimir. The Bulgars could never top our Eiffel Tower made from raki glasses. Your knife throwing and pickpocket skills astounded the locals…
Best mail drop man I ever saw. Remember the youth elixir caper? How the German scientist spilled all info before he passed out. All very FYO. You must have had a dose.
I can always tell that about old Bletchley boys. They are not dead. Stay well, V.
You were and are still one of the best.
November 14th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Dear The Ginger Man,
Marvellous, bloody marvellous, straight after my visit to Officeworks, followed your ‘how to’ essentials…..
Presto! Yogi caught his first mouse…..
You are a genius….
Yogi in a state of hysteria. Uncontrollable.
Thank you.
Boo Boo.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Please read this educational item that provides a timely Learning aspect of ‘Living, Loving, Learning…..’
Lesson 1: Beware your drinking MAAAAAAAAAATE:
http://www.smh.com.au/world/pms-stripclub-mate-sued-for-sex-race-discrimination-20091113-idtq.html
November 15th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
It is time we did another film.
I have bought a trailer out of the funds from the Cleft Stick government grant.
On the side of the trailer is proudly displayed: CLEFT STICK FILM PRODUCTIONS.
I telephoned Peter O’Toole who has agreed to come.
His comment: Marvellous, Simply Bloody Marvellous!
Working title:
Cleft Stick Man versus Planet of the Apes Living Dead and Z-Man The Zombie.
* See how ‘Z-Man The Zombie’ script unfolds – as it comes off Lord Ginge’s typewriter. NEW post in half-an-hour.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
This time I hope that the Film will become a reality, something marvellous.
Simply Bloody Marvellous, as Peter O’Toole told me before hopping on a plane, Down Under first stop.
You have a trailer? Marvellous. Simply Bloody Marvellous.
Guinness, Jameson, Absinthe, Pink Gin?
Ditto.
I have made a quick story board and script:
Dark and Stormy Night. Lonely highway between Leeton and Gundagai.
Sports car containing a handsome Darvish monk and a petite nurse, Try Do.
From the bushes comes an attractive mature woman, Miss MontyRose Stiffington-Skidmarks.
MRSS-S: They have landed! They have landed! Z-Man is here with his alien hordes.
The Chief Monk: Truedatyesirreebob?
MRSS-S: Yessirree!
TCM: Ring dat Joe Hockey Cleft Stick. Tell him we is focissed, yessireebob.
Try Do: I Try Do.
TCM: Ring dat Captain Baker, who say May Day May Day weallgonnadie!
TD: I Try Do….
MRSS-S: I feel so much safer now I have a warm muscular male arm to shelter under.
* Watch The Cleft Stick Man versus Planet of the Apes Living Dead and Z-Man The Zombie script unfold. New post in half an hour.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Hey KJ – a proud day for the Leeton diaspora today, as one of our own, Mr Andrew Whatham (son of former LHS principal Don) wins the final of The Einstein Factor.
Dear Roma Street,
Yet again, your superb local knowledge comes to the fore.
I saw the ep but had NO idea Andrew Whatham (speciality topic: The Life Of Wilhelm Canaris) was one of our own.
According to The Einstein Factor’s site, Andrew is a leader in his chosen field:
‘Andrew is a vision scientist from Lindfield in NSW who learnt how to fit Brazilian monkeys with contact lenses while completing his PhD…..’
*I had absolutely NO idea Brazilian monkeys with sight probs were being fitted with contact lenses. Good idea for fellas doing a lot of swingin’ from tree tops.
Join the campaign!
Support monkey contact lens pioneer, Dr Andrew Whatham, from Leeton, NSW, as he competes in ‘The Einstein Factor’ Grand Final next Sunday, ABC 1, 6:30pm.
Roma Street, did you go to school with Andrew?
KJ.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
ON LOCATION LEETON:
ON LOCATION: LEETON, New South Wales.
Script development session: The Cleft Stick Man versus Planet of the Apes Living Dead and Z-Man The Zombie.
Communication could be the key.
I have written Godwin Grech into the Script.
TGM: You have your cleft stick?
GG: Yessir.
Here is your message to go into the Cleft Sick:
ZED MAN STOP WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY YOU STOP PLEASE TAKE YOURSELF AND THE DEAD ZOMBIES OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE. SIGNED THE FEARLESS THE GINGER MAN.
PS:OUR MESSENGER IS ALSO BEARING ICED VO VO BISCUITS AS A GESTURE OF INTERPLANETARY GOODWILL. STOP.
Get cracking Godwin. Our hopes go with you.
GG: I’ll just be going outside for a while.
Well, Peter what do you think of the material?
P O’T: Marvellous. Simply bloody marvellous.
Let’s have another drinking session and get down to some serious shooting scheduling…..
*New Post in 20 minutes. LESS THAN THE SCHEDULED HALF AN HOUR.
THE GINGER MAN HAS DECLARED:
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I AM ATTEMPTING THIS NIGHT OF NOVEMBER 15TH, 2009 TO SET A NEW BLOGGING RECORD VIA THE FACILITIES OF KERRIEJEAN.COM.
THE RECORD?
THE MOST REAL TIME STORYTELLING BLOG POSTS EVER RECORDED OVER TWO HOURS.
More to come soon. VERY SOON!
November 15th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
ON LOCATION: LEETON
O’Toole: Let’s have the Mayor in for a Trailer Creative Session.
TGM: I don’t mind that.
O’T: Come in my comrade from Thespis…have a drink…….
Mayor: (I don’t mind that).
TGM: Good: Now how do you see the Story Line? Zed Man has landed, promising all sorts of dreadful things from his Zombie Horde, things look very dire….have another absinthe……
O’T: Point is, dear fellow, how do we encourage him to piss off, not to make a big thing of it. Get your Creative Juices flowing, old man.
Mayor: We could offer him a temporary protection visa, and TPVs for all of his living dead crew.
O’T: Yes?
Mayor: Or we could ask him to go to Gundagai.
O’T: Or?
Mayor: Sri Lanka.
O’T: Marvellous, simply bloody marvellous. Is Malcom Turnbull on the telephone?
Godwin Grech: I have his email address in my Cleft Stick.
O’T: Keep him informed, old chap. Now a drink for you too….Godwin, old Chum Godwin……
* Next chapter in The Cleft Stick Man Versus Planet Of The Apes Living Dead and Z-Man The Zombie script development up as soon as it comes off Lord Ginge’s typewriter.
*Part of TGM’s historic world record attempt: The most real time storytelling blogs ever recorded over two hours.
STAND BY!
November 15th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
ON LOCATION: LEETON
Our creative sessions are NOT macho!
I have invited Try Do and Miss Stiffingon-Skidmarks to join us in our Script Development Session.
TGM: Will you make some suggestions, Try Do?
TD: I Try Do.
TGM: What about you, Stiffy me gel?
MontyRose Stiffington-Skidmarks:
Pretty women in floral bubble skirts running and dancing in the fields, delivering wicker baskets of devon sandwiches to Zed Man and his evil crew?
O’Toole: Marvellous, simply bloody marvellous!!!!
* The latest in The Cleft Stick Man Versus Planet Of The Apes Living Dead and Z-Man The Zombie script development saga up as soon as Lord Ginge reports in.
*Part of TGM’s historic world record attempt: The most real time storytelling blogs ever recorded over two hours.
AMAZING!
November 15th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
LEETON: TOWN OF THE LIVING DEAD.
The gang have helped me erect this canvas placard across the main street.
Rehearsals have begun.
Locals have dusted their faces with wheat flour, painted black circles under their eyes, made artificial sores on their faces and practised walking with jerky motions and saying AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH and EERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR or EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
The Parade of the Zombies toward the Town Hall should be something to see.
O’Toole and I have taken a case of Absinthe to the hall so that we have alternative HQ outside the Trailer.
The Mayor (Zed Man) is beside himself with joy at the prospect of becoming a star. He has Hollywood in his eyes.
Cellars and bins are beinmg raided for old clothes along with Halloween costumes.
You cannot get any sense of of the locals. They do not say Hello any more, but:
UUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
* PART OF THE GINGER MAN’S OFFICIAL WORLD RECORD BLOGGING ATTEMPT.
CATEGORY: MOST STORYTELLING BLOGS OVER 2 HOURS.
MORE TO COME AS SOON AS LORD GINGE FILES.
GOOD LUCK LORD GINGE!
November 15th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
ON LOCATION: LEETON
Perhaps only WATER ( unknown on the Planet of the Apes) will rid us of this Invasion of the Interplanetary Zombies.
Trouble is this Film (The Cleft Stick Man Versus Planet Of The Apes Living Dead and Z-Man The Zombie) is to be shot in an IRRIGATION AREA WITHOUT WATER.
A small problem we must overcome along with no film, and no camera and no funds.
We may have to make a Public Appeal.
*More to come very soon as Lord Ginge pushes himself to new creative limits as he attempts to break the world record for the most storytelling blogs over two hours.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
ON LOCATION: LEETON
There is more than a touch of Audrey Hepburn about you, Stiffy, I told Miss MontyRose Stiffingdon-Skidmarks. And more than a little of Gregory Peck in The Chief Monk.
Perhaps we could get a motor scooter and you and he could tour Leeton, visiting the old Cannery Site where the Monk could pretend to lose his hand in a pineapple slicer.
Also Stiffy I think you could would look very cute in striped men’s pyjamas while you sleep as the Press try to find you.
Also you have that ineffable ‘Princess’ quality that goes with the role in ‘LEETON HOLIDAY’.
The Chief Monk is a reporter from Darvish Daily News.
Another alternative is you in ‘BREAKFAST AT SCAPPELI’S FISH BAR’, based on a novel by Truman Carp, a Leeton fisherman from the days when we had water.
* Officially part of The Ginger Man’s world record storytelling blogging attempt.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Another Story Line we are investigating is ‘To Kill a Cocking Bird…….’
CONGRATULATIONS TO LORD GINGE!
OVER PRECISELY THE LAST TWO HOURS, TGM HAS SMASHED THE WORLD RECORD FOR REAL-TIME STORYTELLING BLOGGING.
IN DOING SO, TGM HAS RE-WRITTEN THE RULES FOR ‘WRITERLY’ TYPES EVERYWHERE.
THANKS TO OUR PASSION-AGRRESSIVE ADVENTURER, LORD GINGE. KJ.