Christmas Preps: Hec Style!
Would I be right to think that your Christmas is shaping up to be yet ANOTHER disaster?
You should be ashamed of yourself – 10 days out from celebrating the world’s ONLY Virgin Birth and you’re plonked on the divan immobilised. Oh yes, you’re VERY keen to grab those three public holidays generated by the VB Miracle but thus far, you’ve done precisely bugger all to mark it in a manner appropriate.Â
So today, an early pressie from me to you:Â
Hec’s old-style Christmas preps:Â Time-saving and fun. Print off, follow to the last letter and (legs crossed) the Virgin Birth Celebrations 2009Â at your place will be the talk of the town.
Hec: ‘It’s MANDATORY…. The Christmas Axe.’ (cr: DanCentury: flickr)
(1)  SECURE a free-range tree: Cost effective and flamboyant. Get The Christmas Axe, hop into your vehicle and proceed (under cover of darkness) to the nearest National Park. Hack down a beauty. Stuff in boot. Treasure the looks of wonderment on small faces as you crash through the back door with the gigantic flora.  Slice 44 gallon drum in half. Excavate backyard. Fill drum. Plant tree. Position under gaping ceiling hole you carved out last year.
*Couldn’t understand all that fuss the Greenies made a while back about the so-called discovery of the Wollemi Pine. B*******! Wollemis (great Christmas trees) have always been a dime a dozen in the sandhills near Narrandera.
(2)  NEVER tell kids that Santa exists. Gets ya into too much trouble. Concentrate on the in and outs of the Virgin Birth. Â
(3) SOURCE fine Christmas produce from local providores. Christmas Eve should see you in the woodheap with five rice-pellet-force- feed chooks and The Christmas Axe. Grab chook’s neck, ram down on a log and let The Christmas Axe do the rest. *Kids love seein’ chooks run around backyards with their heads chopped off but don’t forget to add an educational plank to the spectacular proceedings:
‘And that’s what you’ll look like if ya don’t take it easy when you get ya P-Plates, that’s what’ll happen to you….’
(4)  ATTEND MIDNIGHT Mass: Get the whole bloody thing outta the way so you can concentrate on Christmas. Hark The Herald Angels Sing is your cue that things are wrappin’ up. Round up the kids and get the hell outta there. *The last thing A Man wants to do is stand outside Church sayin’ Merry Christmas to a bunch of hypocrites who’ve (all year) been yacking behind ya back about ya questionable personal habits.Â
(5) BE UP AND AT IT EARLY. Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone… even the neighbours who told everyone who’d listen they saw ya get a WOLLEMI Pine out of the boot. Proceed to iceworks. Buy the biggest slab available to non-commercial customers. The challenge? To keep 72 bottles of Reschs Dinner Ale cold for 18 hours in 104 degree heat. Do your back in trying to get the ice out of the boot. Take The Christmas Axe. Attack the iceberg.
Start to enjoy yourself…….
* So, there you have it. Do yourself a favour:
Get off your bum right now and tell your loved ones: THIS year (like it or lump it) we’re doing Christmas Hec-style!
In the meantime, awaitin’ to hear from you…your traditional pre- Christmas crack-up is, of course, worth reporting in on but – as usual – so is everything else. New posters most welcome. I’ll rephrase that: TREASURED!
And….speaking of TREASURED…..just so happens I have the link here to an old favorite – last year’s hit Christmas single They’re Your Bloody Family.  (Little ole me and THEN manager Big Swifty)
*Was at yet another party on Saturday night and someone mentioned the song. Someone else (too much make up too much Spumanti)Â piped up:
You really can’t sing KJ, you really can’t……
Well, I didn’t dignify THAT with a response. Some people just CAN’T help themselves……
click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family
Pic:Tracey Tromph.
(Another time, another place: Big Swifty and KJ In Happier Times)
*The Ginger Man*
All in all, probably his biggest week yet!
Right now, Lord Ginge, The Chief Monk, Nurse Try Do, Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM) and Godwin Grech are huddled in the cargo hold of The Rev Kev’s RAAF jet enroute to Copenhagen.
Before being secretly squashed into the cargo crate holding The Rev Kev’s ETS masterplans, Lord Ginge commented:
‘Tell everyone at kerriejean.com that it’s gonna be exciting AND exotic:Â Wall-To-Wall VIKING……..how ’bout that!!!!!’
cr: han s’: flickr
And so it is – with the ‘Viking Volumes’ unfolding all week in our comments section. For those new to TGM (Ex-Bletchley Park, Ex- Trinity College, Dublin) he’s our mysterious Passion-Aggressive-Adventurer-In-Residence. One day he just lobbed in - and stayed. Talk about all our Christmases coming at once…….
All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
December 14th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Dateline: Denmark.
There are many emissions here from my observation position.
What are these people eating?
I am Under The Table Top Man reporting for kerriejean.com
December 14th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I am perplexed. Will Nurse Try Do make it to Hopin’ Hagen?
I know she’s a-hopin’ and a-prayin’, and a-lovin’.
I also know how deeply moved she is by (a) male suffering and (b) romantic cantatas and (c) Love Potion Number Nine.
Therefore this News (on top of talk about Hec’s Christmas Axe) was Most Disturbin’:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/12/14/2770327.htm
Dear The Dude,
Yes, I saw that story and it left me cold. Mike Rann and now Mr B. Who, WHAT next? KJ.
December 14th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Captain Baker is gettin’ de Wounded Duck ready to Fly to Hoppin’ Hagen….
On de side of the Haircrat is the slogan HOPE FOR HOPPIN’ HAGEN.
This flight is Fuel-Free.
We blow up big balloon with hundreds of people from Al Gunda Gai a-blowin and a-puffin, and a-gaspin and a-puffin again.
Thirty Darvish Monks a-spinnin on each wing fra de Up Lift.
Kev The Kanga boing boinging fra Extra Henergy.
Leeton White cockatoos taped all over Wounded Duck are flappin’ de Wings simultaneously.
Leeton Firecrackers provide de Rockets.
All grandmas give mighty shove down de Runaway.
Fingo give mighty Yowl of Victory.
De Super Puppies a-jumping wive de joy.
Gordon de Grechie am the Navigator and Communications Hofficer.
Napoleon I is pracistng his Valedictory Speech for Hoppin’ Hagen.
He ask me if he is King of Denmark or is it his brother Joseph?
Me not remember.
One, two, three…BLAST OFF!
Please MissKJMeatTrayjesjokin, look after Lord Ginge fra us.
He sick man, Yesirreebobtruedat.
All our flight attendants are Himalayans. They lubly pipple.
Yo’s ever,
The Chief Monk.
To be continued.
December 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Transcript wiretap in The Rev Kev’s Com Car on way to airport: destination Cophenhagen.
Conversation is between The Rev Kev and unidentified staff.
Ok you f…ing motherf…ers, let’s get the f… outta here. I’m sick to f…ing death of the joint, especially that so called sixpacking f…er parading aoround in his budgie smugglers, NOT to mention that mad bastard from Queensland (what is it about Queenslanders?)
…..and what the f…’s this? YOU call this a f..ing ETS?
I’ll give you ET-EFFING-S.
(Muffled sounds of something heavy – possibly a document – being thrown at unidentified person in car)
And get on to that effing cabin crew to make sure my effing dinner’s ready – THEY F…ED IT UP GOOD AND PROPER LAST TIME.
Now let’s get the f… outta here.
(SOUNDS SCREECHING BRAKES, SIRENS FADING INTO DISTANCE)
Dear The Man In Grey,
Thank you.
WHEN will one of those Canberra Gallery hacks be brave enough to write?
‘It has been revealed that The Rev Kev is being treated in a private Canberra clinic for the compulsive and degenerative profanity syndrome, Tourettes Syndrome.’
KJ.
December 14th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Dear The Dude. Thanks for the story:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/12/14/2770327.htm.
Should Berlusconi fire his bodyguard and employ my husband instead?
I mention this because the man has developed stunning powers of surveillance and lightening rod movement from one side of crowded rooms to the other.
I was at a party the other night speaking with a big handsome physiotherapist and my husband just appeared out of nowhere.
Later on, I passed him on the dance floor having a good time jumping up and down and sort of falling sideways with his eyes closed and I went out into the yard and tried NOT to have a joint and another bloke was talking to me about how he was writing a song with his six-year-old daughter about global warming and suddenly there he (husband) was again: Was I OK?
Taking into account my husband’s incredible new powers, the fact that the conversation was indeed similar to having two teeth knocked out, PLUS his inability to leave men and women alone together wouldn’t he be THE ONE to keep Mr B out of trouble?
Dear Greek and loving it,
Your husband is a sensible fellow. Over the past few weeks, I am been alarmed to witness the disturbing Christmas Party behaviours of several married women….
It is as if they have been good all year and simply CANNOT restrain their simmering passions for one minute longer. All of a sudden, they’re offering THEMSELVES as Christmas pressies! It is most unedifying.
I fear that the end of this week will be THE CRITICAL period for your husband – he urgently should avail himself to TWO extra pieces of equipment: a Christmas Axe and a can of mace.
KJ.
December 14th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Will The Rev Kev sail up the Skagerrak and sail down the Kattegat…….
Through the harbour and up to the quay?
Dear Chadwick,
Yes he will….all the while singing: ‘Effing Wonderful, effing wonderful, effing WONDERFUL Copenhagen…!’ KJ.
December 14th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Does the Princess Mary say: Ah am nevah gonna be Kirsty agin?
Dear The Dude: Insiders say that OUR Mary has changed…….
She says: ‘Ah am nevah gonna go to HO-BART A-gin.’ KJ.
December 15th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Our Australian contingent are fluent in (a) Danish and (b) Frisian if The Rev Kev resorts to angry vernacular. Each has a Danny Kaye (’Wonderful, Wonderful Cophenagen’) DVD and a Newtown, NSW, real estate guide to provide a connection to female royalty.
*Ed’s note: Our Mary Donaldson filled in time – BEFORE becoming the next Queen of Denmark – renting out over-priced properties in Sydney’s inner west. *Word is that Mary made it pretty hard to get your bond back. KJ.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Looking at Big Swifty……but where is your young’un manager Jim?
Can we expect to see him under your tree before the New Year?
Dear Greek and loving it,
I must admit I did shed a tear or two when I put those pics of Big Swifty up….WHAT went wrong?, WHY did we start to say terrible things to each other?, WHEN (before or after THE CD came out) did BS decide it was all too hard? God I tried, I really tried……
Jim’s fine, everything’s terrific. He got straight Distinctions in his first year Uni exams WITHOUT cheating AND Part Three of ‘Kerrie Jean’s Home Companion’ will be up on THIS site, next Monday. Ciou, KJ.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Aqua…hot, hot, HOT…and plenty of it said Dr Francesco, his firm Latin features set in a firm and manly expression as Nurse Try Do mopped his brow.
Mr Berlusconi opened his eyes slowly.
Bella figure! Amore! he said when he saw Try Do. You save-a me?
I Try Do.
(Dr Francesco)You staya FOCUSSED. More sweata padsa, per favore, Nurse. More AQUA.
December 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Mary’s success has had an awful effect on Princess-to-be-KJ.
At the climate change conference the PA system is blaring:
Phone call for Mister HAPSBURG.
Would Prince Grimaldi JUNIOR kindly come to the lobby…?
Prince FREDERICK (KJ Real Estate of Leeton) is returning your call concerning the Corner Block in Acacia Avenue.
Billy FAROUK there is a BLONDE REPORTER AWAITING AN INTERVIEW….
Calling Willie BOURBON to the foyer…..
Would Mr VON BATTENBERG (twice removed from the conference hall) please come to Reception?
KJ has many liases now one of them:
Princess Klytoria de la Terra Spirita Sancta and heiress to the LEETON MILLIONS.
December 15th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Would Mr Pants Christian Hendersen please come to the foyer?
December 15th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Hi KJ,
I’ve only been in Copenhagen a few hours but I must say anyone who’s anyone is here…..
Travelled First Class and the food was absolutely fabulous. Only problem was I had to sit next to The Rev Kev who – between you and I – seems to have gone stark raving bonkers.
I mean all I said to him was: Is this seat taken?
And the language that came out of that Harry Potter face was appalling.
He said: Have you any effing idea who the F…I am?
I’m the friend of the effing chair!
When we got to Copenhagen there were about 1000 Aussie flunkies – civil servant types, spin doctors and assorted aides there to meet him.
But KJ – talk about global warming – the men in Copenhagen are HOT HOT HOT.
And there are some fabulous after parties…
I’ve just met this very striking African gentleman who wants me to go up to his room and study some very interesting graphs on weather patterns in the Sudan over the last 25 years.
It’s not too late KJ – as I said – ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE’S HERE (except poor old Silvio).
Tweet me soon babes, I’ll see you at the airport.
Love and Kisses,
Libby Pearls.
Dear Libby,
I am GREEN with envy….
*I hear THE joke at Copenhagen is: Is that climate change in your pocket or ah ya just pleased to see me?
What a hoot!
KJ.
December 15th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I’m sure Hec would have put wet saw dust on the ice, on instructions from Lionel Petts (the ice maker).
I’ve just had a couple of days back at Leeton. It’s still all happening there.
Dear Muza,
Welcome!
I DO remember – on instructions from Leeton celebrity Lionel Petts – Hec grabbing handfuls of wet saw dust and throwing them at the ice AFTER The Christmas Axe had been secured in the shed.
‘As if THIS (grabs more saw dust) is gunna be of any use in 104 degree heat…..BLOODY STUPIDITY.’
*I’m off to Leeton for a couple of weeks on Sunday. Hope it’s all STILL happening by the time I get there.
KJ.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Princess Mary of Denmark has passed on a message, from KJ Real Estate of Leeton, New South Wales, that her former real estate colleague Kerrie Jean has been trying to contact me concerning a Corner Block, ‘Tin Tara’, in Acacia Avenue.
For some time I have been looking for a new place to establish a new Principality.
Long have our family suffered from the extremism of The Kaiser. It is time for a New Beginning. Would Princess KJ von Battenberg be a desirable title?
Greetings Prince Wilhem von Battenberg,
Let two GREAT Riverina and Rhine families unite!
*In the meantime would you please tell Mary: I want my bond back! Princess KJ von Battenberg IN-WAITING.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Bocca bella, said Mr Berlusconi through broken teeth, gazing adoringly at Nurse Try Do.
Like the swallows of Capistrano you have retorna.
I no swallow said Try Do.
I Try Do. I good girl.
December 16th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
The delegates gasped…
As The Rev Kev was about to speak a strange figure in white robes entered and began to spin. He rose like a helicopter and approached the centre stage and began tto address the multitude:
Yo! Good pipple ob de world, sahs and MsMeatTraysjesjokin.
Ah is here to tell yo de lubbin is the Answere.
Lub de Earth. Lub yo one another. Lub yo Enemas like de good Booke Saith. One Enema at a time. Yesireebobtruedat.
Ah is Darvish. We spin fra yo, fra de Lorde.
Ef yo spin now, all of yo, yo feel better.
De answer is DE LUBBIN.
I has spoke.
To be continued.
December 16th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
You are faithfully providing food (eggs) and your husband is providing free wakeup calls (rooster).
The kids come out and play with you.
They know all of your names.
Then at the time of the birth of the Saviour a Cromwellian bastard (just call him Hec) comes along with an AXE and whacks off your head.
Not even the dignity of a blindfold. No last cigarette. Everyone laughs like Nero if you run around headless….
Then you are plunged into boiling water and your lovely raiment is stripped off…
Your guts (giblets) are ripped out as if you had been hanged, drawn and quartered. The executioner does not wear a mask.
Then bread and spices are stuffed up your arse and you are burned to a crisp in an oven….
Bon appetit, you heartless, cruel people.
I ya dare to step outside Chicken Man….and we’ll have this out! For once and for all. Hec.
December 16th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I do hope that Mr Berlusconi finds true happiness.
Dear Pandora,
You speak on behalf of everyone in here. Thank you. KJ.
December 16th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Kerrie Jean dear, I know you haven’t lost touch with your country roots, so I’m going to come right out and ask you to do something for me. Well, for a lot of us really.
I’m worried about this #nocleanfeed rubbish I’ve been hearing about. It’s not as if farmers didn’t have enough to worry about with the drought! Now we’ve got all those awful internet people sticking their oar in and drumming up some legislation for clean feed.
I can’t speak for Leeton but out Windy way our feed has always been clean. We might get the odd weed but, then again, doesn’t everyone!
Couldn’t you use your ABC connections to fix this #nocleanfeed rubbish?
I’m sure you’re a busy woman servicing all your audience in the hols but this has got us all stirred up out here.
Les reckons I’ve got my knickers in a right twist but if those buggers are going to #nocleanfeed us, I’m going to feed it right back to them. And if you can’t help me, although I’m sure you can, then I’ll be going straight down to Canberra, you just see if I don’t!
I”ll drop a load of our feed on their doorsteps that’ll knock their socks off! Don’t think I won’t!
They won’t give us water and now they want our feed! Sorry Kerrie Jean dear, I’m just a little agitated about this, love Nel.
Dear Nel,
Welcome!
Now you go RIGHT NOW and tell Les that KJ says HIS woman is worked up with bloody GOOD REASON…..
I’m with you 100 percent: 100 PERCENT.
I have just made preps to travel to Windy tomorrow and rail against the No Clean Feeders from the back of Les’s truck.
Then, Les WILL drive us to Canberra where we’ll dump a big pile of clean feed on Quentin Bryce’s nature strip WITH a massive sign on top: YOU WON’T SEE THIS ANYMORE IF THE NO CLEAN FEEDERS GET THEIR WAY.
Nell, it’s a privilege to help in any way I can. You and Les have worked hard for your clean feed and be dammed if I’m gunna standby and watch big city arts and media types snatch it away.
* Boy my spam’s been bad lately. DIS-GUSTIN’. See ya tomorrow, KJ.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Kev the Kanga, Fingo the Fox-Dingo, Tigger the Sumatran Tiger, the Five Super Puppies holding pictures of their mother, Festina (nee Brekkie) came a whirlin’ and a spinnin’ on stage.
Their spokesman, Godwin Grech, said to the delegates:
Can you eat gold? Drink oil? Wash yourself with coal?
You are privileged people, but what are you doing….?
Our local council spent longer time discussing parking meters than you have on the future of the planet.
I have known shame. I have been ‘in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes.’
But I can tell you, I am ASHAMED of you all.
Men began to advance towards him with mace and tear gas, but the little man stood firm.
I AM GODWIN FROM AUSTRALIA, I AM GODWIN FROM AUSTRALIA…SING WITH ME, SING WITH ME….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA69kvBTzAE
Godwin had found himself.
To be continued.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Nellie mah dear,
If you are talking about feed for cattle and sheep, well done.
If you are talking about clean feeds for the minds of developing Aussies, well done too. The Person who can tell you a lot about this is none other than KJ herself.
Her email contains material that is spewy and should not be allowed. The danger, however, is that in cracking down on filth the authorities may prohibit light-hearted spoofing of sexual matters such as National Scrota Week which was celebrated fully here in kerriejean.com.
We ought to be able to laugh at our sexuality while at the same time showing a little respect….
Humour can be used to combat unhealthy stuff on the Web. I was watching a spoof on Little Britain where the daughter says something like: ‘I love you more than the Muppets and Mum says: ‘I love you more than Sound of Music etc etc….’
The the daughter says: ‘I love you more than INTERRACIAL SEX..’
Great!
Dear The Dude,
Would you like to be appointed honorary Chief Censor kerriejean.com? Not a lot to it! KJ.
December 17th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
The Monasterie at Al Gunda Gai is quiet, deserted……
I miss the crew in Copenhagen, particularly the little creatures, bless them.
I have been walking among the trees and looking at the sulphur crested cockatoos. What beauty there hath God created. What communicators! They even chatter in the air!
What are they saying? If only I had a translator, an interpreter.
What would the cockatoos say at Copenhagen?
From Bletchley Park to here.
What next? Who knows where the road will lead us? I think of many departed comrades, not sadly but with appreciation.
Where are we heading? Well, as The Script Writer would say:
TUNE IN TOMORROW.
December 17th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Memories flood back when you are alone at this time…
I remember Weinachtsabend in Berlin after I had accompanied a detachment of the gallant Fellatio Parachutists into the city.
I was drinking schnapps und bier with a top ranking SS man. Es ist schrecklishe (horrible) he told me. Es ist Jack der Ripper in Deutschland.
……He went on to explain how his top men had died, horribly maimed. Just because they wanted to have a little fun.
Und nicht circumcised? I inquired.
Not until their triste he explained.
But they took the whole megillah, as the Judische would say.
How could I explain to him that his loss from his corps was from innocent girls giving their lives for the Allies.
As a neutral Irishman, you have my sympathy…….
The tavern in which we were drinking had been badly bombed and half of the upper storey was gone. One door opened out into nothing.
(I said) Tell you what, come up to my room and we’ll share a bottle of Jameson, nicht wahr? Ich bin BISEXUALISCHE!
His handsome Teutonic face glowed.
Jawohl!
Upstairs I gave him the bottle and pointed to Room 22.
You go first, I said I’ll just slip into something comfortable.
Now, the loss of a bottle of Jameson, or ‘Jemmy’ as we call it, is a terrible thing for any Irishman.
But if it means a monster falling a storey on to the top of the Fuehrer’s band and taking half of them with him, it is certainly worth the sacrifice.
At the bar I ordered another Schnapps.
To the Fellatio Parachutist girls, I toasted to myself silently.
December 17th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
By the way, I am not Bi – not that there’s anything wrong with that!
The SS officer was just ‘the enemy’, that’s all.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Hi KJ,
Greetings from Copenhagen and can I just say SORRY.
Yes, Sorry for not emailing earlier, but as you can appreciate, as a very Good Friend of the Chair (Did you know I was a Friend of the Chair?)
I’ve been pretty effing busy over here – the problem is not so much our American friends – as you know they can pretty much rely on us to do exactly what they want every time – no it’s those ‘developing’ countries (they were much less pushy when we called them simply Third World) – they seem to have got into their heads that they should have what we’ve been enjoying – big cars, big houses, big Arses – the works…..
I’ve had to explain to them that it’s not quite as simple as that.
But you know what?
People are saying nothing will come out of Copenhagen – the usual unbelieving, negative crowd.
But can I just say that one absolutely brilliant idea has come out of Copenhagen……AND it’s been put forward by your very own The Rev Kev!
I’ve suggested that this meeting has been so fantastic that we DO IT ALL AGAIN IN ONE YEAR’S TIME IN MEXICO.
Can hardly wait.
Adios,
The Rev Kev
PS. I’m getting disturbing reports from back in Oz re the Six Pack’s Love Mat – as a fellow Queenslander once famously said: Please explain?
Dear The Rev Kev,
CANNOT explain.
The BIG news here is that you’ve offered those pesky ‘ Developing Countries’ money if they’ll agree to being inundated. Congratulations! This is The Politics Of Pragmatism at the highest of levels!
Don’t forget to keep stalking Barak – and make sure he says YES to your invitation to come join us for a couple of days some time in the next 15 years.
Have you seen the Northern Lights?
KJ.
December 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Yippee!
And that ladies and gentlemen is Megsy’s traditional Yuletide ‘Yippee!’ It is uttered as she locks up her country school house, lugs home the bag of fifty boysenberry bath cubes which have been presented to her in moving gestures of appreciation AND….adjourns to the pub.
Tell me if I’m wrong Megsy, TELL ME if I’m wrong…..
KJ.
December 19th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Kerrie Jean dear, thank you so much! Sorry about postponing your trip but the conditions were dreadful this week. Our thoughts are with everyone in Walla Walla, Michelago, Tumbarumba and especially around Walcha. But we’re ready for a big weekend!
I’ve told Les to get the old Toyota off the tray of the big truck. I’m all for recycling and I reckon out here we can show city folks a thing or two about recycling but why men think that every single old car they’ve ever run across deserves to be parked somewhere about the property is beyond me!
We’ve got a dog box made out of an old mini (Sarah Jane’s niece bought it up from Sydney in her teens). And a revolving dip gate built entirely from old engine bits, but that Toyota has been sitting on the back of the big truck like a tick on pig all year now.
If I could ask you to come up on Sunday instead now, I’ve been putting up signs around and abouts and the phones been running hot. We can all go straight from church to the club, down the main road. I’ve got a load of clean feed lined up.
You’ve got a spot just before the Carols by Candlelight. Everyone reckons you’re going to be more exciting than the Carols so we’d better keep an eye on the fire danger. Even if it’s cooled down a bit, candles and hay are a lethal combination. I’ve got some big extinguishers on the truck, the firies will have a tanker and Les’s mate Max who once worked on the telly building props and things is bringing his patented WaterWhipperFoamWand (TM).
(His inventions don’t always work so well though, so I’m hoping he’s a last resort. High pressure water and compressed CO2 in one pipe is a bit of a stretch if you ask me.)
Will you be bringing your youngun? I’ve seen your home video and I think it’s lovely that you’re his mentor figure. My kids are coming up from Sydney for the weekend and it’d be nice for them to have some company.
Hello again Nellie – look, I think it best if I be honest. I’ve done a couple of speaking engagements (mainly in support of the trans fat lobby) BEFORE Carols By Candlelight programmes kick off and I’ve always felt (how should I say it?) a little DE-flated – a bit like a spotty kid doing a reel or two before Riverdance comes on.
HOWEVER, because I enjoy ‘giving back’ – AND meeting newly divorced men in moleskins – I will say a few words FOR FREE in support of your clean feed. All I ask is that you ring the Club and reserve seven serves of king prawn cutlets for me….
I’d also like to take to Leeton one of Max’s (by the way, is he married?) WaterWhipperFoamWands. Very handy. Last year, Gwennie (as usual) lit our our traditional Christmas luncheon bombe alaska. Something went wrong. The bombe alaska flared up AND proceeded to burn out of control for at least seven minutes……at one stage flames were threatening the trifle and Chrissie crackers were going off willy nilly. If only we’d had a WaterWhipperFoamWand, if only…….
BUt Nellie, that was LAST Christmas and this is THIS Christmas……
*Deck the truck with boughs of paspalum.
See ya tomorrow. Won’t be with young manager Jim. He’s having his braces taken off. KJ.
December 19th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Spot on KJ!
The Rev Kev, your real BINDING thoughts on Copenhagen – please?
Dear Megsy,
Hopefully he’ll report in BUT he’s very busy. As a Friend Of The Chair(s), one of his duties is to pack ‘em up. It’s a big job!
KJ.
December 24th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Dear KJ, the Chrissy preps did not go to plan……
With all the hoo ha about the ETS, I was in a bind about what tree to buy – natural or plastic.
Either way u can’t win.
NATURAL and it’s deforestation – PLASTIC, and you’re polluting…… so all I’m left with is a circle of cheap decorations and cheap presents on my the living room floor. That’s what it has it come to.
Well I’d better sign off for I am about to jump a bus.
Merry Christmas KJ and family (who I am dead sure love you UNCONDITIONALLY).
Dear Public Transport Commuter,
What a miserable tableau! Please proceed to your nearest municipal park AND lop down the Christmas tree you’ve always wanted. And then go to your nearest shopping centre and buy presents to match.
And then repeat after me: ‘Twas the night before my court appearance. KJ.