With all the hoo ha about the ETS, I was in a bind about what tree to buy – natural or plastic.

Either way u can’t win.

NATURAL and it’s deforestation – PLASTIC, and you’re polluting…… so all I’m left with is a circle of cheap decorations and cheap presents on my the living room floor. That’s what it has it come to.

Well I’d better sign off for I am about to jump a bus.

Merry Christmas KJ and family (who I am dead sure love you UNCONDITIONALLY).

Dear Public Transport Commuter,

And then repeat after me: ‘Twas the night before my court appearance. KJ.

The Rev Kev, your real BINDING thoughts on Copenhagen – please?

Dear Megsy,

KJ.

I’ve told Les to get the old Toyota off the tray of the big truck. I’m all for recycling and I reckon out here we can show city folks a thing or two about recycling but why men think that every single old car they’ve ever run across deserves to be parked somewhere about the property is beyond me!

We’ve got a dog box made out of an old mini (Sarah Jane’s niece bought it up from Sydney in her teens). And a revolving dip gate built entirely from old engine bits, but that Toyota has been sitting on the back of the big truck like a tick on pig all year now.

If I could ask you to come up on Sunday instead now, I’ve been putting up signs around and abouts and the phones been running hot. We can all go straight from church to the club, down the main road. I’ve got a load of clean feed lined up.

You’ve got a spot just before the Carols by Candlelight. Everyone reckons you’re going to be more exciting than the Carols so we’d better keep an eye on the fire danger. Even if it’s cooled down a bit, candles and hay are a lethal combination. I’ve got some big extinguishers on the truck, the firies will have a tanker and Les’s mate Max who once worked on the telly building props and things is bringing his patented WaterWhipperFoamWand (TM).

(His inventions don’t always work so well though, so I’m hoping he’s a last resort. High pressure water and compressed CO2 in one pipe is a bit of a stretch if you ask me.)

Will you be bringing your youngun? I’ve seen your home video and I think it’s lovely that you’re his mentor figure. My kids are coming up from Sydney for the weekend and it’d be nice for them to have some company.

Hello again Nellie – look, I think it best if I be honest. I’ve done a couple of speaking engagements (mainly in support of the trans fat lobby) BEFORE Carols By Candlelight programmes kick off and I’ve always felt (how should I say it?) a little DE-flated – a bit like a spotty kid doing a reel or two before Riverdance comes on.

HOWEVER, because I enjoy ‘giving back’ – AND meeting newly divorced men in moleskins – I will say a few words FOR FREE in support of your clean feed. All I ask is that you ring the Club and reserve seven serves of king prawn cutlets for me….

I’d also like to take to Leeton one of Max’s (by the way, is he married?) WaterWhipperFoamWands. Very handy. Last year, Gwennie (as usual) lit our our traditional Christmas luncheon bombe alaska. Something went wrong. The bombe alaska flared up AND proceeded to burn out of control for at least seven minutes……at one stage flames were threatening the trifle and Chrissie crackers were going off willy nilly. If only we’d had a WaterWhipperFoamWand, if only…….

BUt Nellie, that was LAST Christmas and this is THIS Christmas……

See ya tomorrow. Won’t be with young manager Jim. He’s having his braces taken off. KJ.

And that ladies and gentlemen is Megsy’s traditional Yuletide ‘Yippee!’ It is uttered as she locks up her country school house, lugs home the bag of fifty boysenberry bath cubes which have been presented to her in moving gestures of appreciation AND….adjourns to the pub.

Tell me if I’m wrong Megsy, TELL ME if I’m wrong…..
KJ.

Greetings from Copenhagen and can I just say SORRY.

Yes, Sorry for not emailing earlier, but as you can appreciate, as a very Good Friend of the Chair (Did you know I was a Friend of the Chair?)

I’ve been pretty effing busy over here – the problem is not so much our American friends – as you know they can pretty much rely on us to do exactly what they want every time – no it’s those ‘developing’ countries (they were much less pushy when we called them simply Third World) – they seem to have got into their heads that they should have what we’ve been enjoying – big cars, big houses, big Arses – the works…..

I’ve had to explain to them that it’s not quite as simple as that.

But you know what?

People are saying nothing will come out of Copenhagen – the usual unbelieving, negative crowd.

But can I just say that one absolutely brilliant idea has come out of Copenhagen……AND it’s been put forward by your very own The Rev Kev!

I’ve suggested that this meeting has been so fantastic that we DO IT ALL AGAIN IN ONE YEAR’S TIME IN MEXICO.

Can hardly wait.

Adios,

The Rev Kev

PS. I’m getting disturbing reports from back in Oz re the Six Pack’s Love Mat – as a fellow Queenslander once famously said: Please explain?

Dear The Rev Kev,

KJ.

The SS officer was just ‘the enemy’, that’s all.

I remember Weinachtsabend in Berlin after I had accompanied a detachment of the gallant Fellatio Parachutists into the city.

I was drinking schnapps und bier with a top ranking SS man. Es ist schrecklishe (horrible) he told me. Es ist Jack der Ripper in Deutschland.

……He went on to explain how his top men had died, horribly maimed. Just because they wanted to have a little fun.

Und nicht circumcised? I inquired.

Not until their triste he explained.

But they took the whole megillah, as the Judische would say.

How could I explain to him that his loss from his corps was from innocent girls giving their lives for the Allies.

As a neutral Irishman, you have my sympathy…….

The tavern in which we were drinking had been badly bombed and half of the upper storey was gone. One door opened out into nothing.

(I said) Tell you what, come up to my room and we’ll share a bottle of Jameson, nicht wahr? Ich bin BISEXUALISCHE!

His handsome Teutonic face glowed.

Jawohl!

Upstairs I gave him the bottle and pointed to Room 22.

You go first, I said I’ll just slip into something comfortable.

Now, the loss of a bottle of Jameson, or ‘Jemmy’ as we call it, is a terrible thing for any Irishman.

But if it means a monster falling a storey on to the top of the Fuehrer’s band and taking half of them with him, it is certainly worth the sacrifice.

At the bar I ordered another Schnapps.

To the Fellatio Parachutist girls, I toasted to myself silently.

I miss the crew in Copenhagen, particularly the little creatures, bless them.

I have been walking among the trees and looking at the sulphur crested cockatoos. What beauty there hath God created. What communicators! They even chatter in the air!

What are they saying? If only I had a translator, an interpreter.

What would the cockatoos say at Copenhagen?

From Bletchley Park to here.

What next? Who knows where the road will lead us? I think of many departed comrades, not sadly but with appreciation.

Where are we heading? Well, as The Script Writer would say:

TUNE IN TOMORROW.

If you are talking about feed for cattle and sheep, well done.

If you are talking about clean feeds for the minds of developing Aussies, well done too. The Person who can tell you a lot about this is none other than KJ herself.

Her email contains material that is spewy and should not be allowed. The danger, however, is that in cracking down on filth the authorities may prohibit light-hearted spoofing of sexual matters such as National Scrota Week which was celebrated fully here in kerriejean.com.

We ought to be able to laugh at our sexuality while at the same time showing a little respect….

Humour can be used to combat unhealthy stuff on the Web. I was watching a spoof on Little Britain where the daughter says something like: ‘I love you more than the Muppets and Mum says: ‘I love you more than Sound of Music etc etc….’

The the daughter says: ‘I love you more than INTERRACIAL SEX..’

Great!

Dear The Dude,

Would you like to be appointed honorary Chief Censor kerriejean.com? Not a lot to it! KJ.

Their spokesman, Godwin Grech, said to the delegates:

Can you eat gold? Drink oil? Wash yourself with coal?

You are privileged people, but what are you doing….?

Our local council spent longer time discussing parking meters than you have on the future of the planet.
I have known shame. I have been ‘in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes.’

But I can tell you, I am ASHAMED of you all.

Men began to advance towards him with mace and tear gas, but the little man stood firm.

I AM GODWIN FROM AUSTRALIA, I AM GODWIN FROM AUSTRALIA…SING WITH ME, SING WITH ME….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA69kvBTzAE

Godwin had found himself.

To be continued.