KJ’s Xmas Plea: I Want To be Loved.
Dateline: Irrigation Area Without Water: Leeton, NSW.
Arrived late yesterday…..
Immediately threw myself at the collective (ample) bosom of my family and was IMMEDIATELY reminded what makes it so, so very special:
THIS IS A FAMILY THAT PRIDES ITSELF ON ABSOLUTE NON-ADHERENCE TO THAT SACRED FAMILIALÂ TENET: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Within an hour, I was under NO illusions that I’d have to work hard (and swifty) to achieve a modicum of respect before Christmas. Specifically:
* I have been told that my face will assume ’some clarity’ if I lose five kilos.
* I have been told that I have a ‘tendency to brow beat people’, a personality flaw which impresses NO one.
*I have been told that on December 25 I will NOT be getting away with my traditional ‘ right up yourself’ refusal to peel prawns (’ NO peel, NO prawn’).
* And I have been told it’s so long since I brought a man home for Christmas there’s talk I’m amoebic. (Isn’t that the CRUELLEST thing you’ve heard all year?)
So, I have just four days to morph into something vaguely ‘lovable’.
In the meantime, thank you to the fearless Editor of The Irrigator who in a startling opinion piece (Dec 18th) wrote:
…..Not that everyone can know everything, but it is really worthwhile checking information and thinking a bit before putting your mouth in gear and letting go…..
………Quite often people don’t even realise what they’re saying sounds like the ranting of a paranoid madman, or a broken record….
Speaking of broken records, I’ll put up KJ and Big Swifty’s hit Christmas single They’re You’re Bloody Family JUST IN CASE you’ve haven’t heard it.
click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family
Anyway, I’ll have to leave it at this today. I’m tapping away in the Leeton Library and the queues to use the terminals are unbelievable. *The Library has the reputation for having the niftiest air-conditioning in town. Woolies comes in second.
* Thank you everyone who came in here this year and POSTED things. I declare our correspondents to be super dooper (you know that, don’t ya?). Keep reportin’ in – NO comments, NO blog, simple as that…
All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
December 21st, 2009 at 12:52 pm
As you know KJ, being The Rev Kev’s personal driver has its moments, and just quietly, when he thinks no one from the media’s listening, he’s got one helluva mouth on him.
But never, NEVER have I seen him so angry than at the end of the Copenhagen junket.
It was well after midnight and most sane people had gone to bed – when I heard a helluva racket coming from the conference chamber…..
Looking down from a balcony I saw a manic figure in the body of the hall rushing along row after row of delegates’ chairs – SWEARING AT THEM (the chairs), and then KICKING THEM ALL OVER.
Unfortunately he caught sight of me observing him, and looking up, he yelled:
MERRY EFFING CHRISTMAS GARRY
AND A HAPPY EFFING NEW YEAR.
Dear Garry,
Oh boy! It’s strange though how things work on the ground IN the electorate. For example, Leeton is part of one of one of the Nats last remaining strongholds, the Federal seat of Riverina.
All over town I’ve been hearing the same thing: ‘
‘I’ve NEVER voted Labor in my life BUT that The Rev Kev is really speakin’ MY language….f*** me, if I’m NOT gunna go for the effing socialists in 2010…..’ KJ.
December 22nd, 2009 at 7:08 am
I read that editorial that you quote from and it reminded of the kind of maddo rant that you sometimes get on the ABC TV forums, or in the comments appended to the blog entries of certain tabloid journalists.
To wit, a longish, rancorous harangue in which the injustice being railed against has assumed such monstrous and all-pervasive proportions (in the mind of the ranter) that it need not even be mentioned by name.
Dear Roma Street,
First, thank you for your wunnerful contributions all year. I thought MY local knowledge was a strong point but when Roma Street reports in, I know I’m ON NOTICE….
Things around town you should look out for this Christmas (if ya comin’) – the ever increasing numbers of empty shops in Pine Avenue AND (climate change in action?) the shortest BY FAR drying time for washing in the Southern Hemisphere. Swear to God, put a load on the Hills Hoist yesterday at 8am – DRY by 8:07.
* Further on that really inappropriate, divisive, pre-Christmas leader in The Irrigator, I was extra perplexed because Mr Editor didn’t say what he was referring to: just a general plea for people to shut up.
Well, Mr Editor I ain’t gunna desist. I’s got things ta say and I ain’t gunna shut up jes ’cause you said ta. And I’ll tell ya ANOTHER thing Mr Editor: We didn’t lose a lottta young men defendin’ our Dem-MO-cratic way of life to have you come along AND tell us ta put a sock in it! NOSIR!
Merry Xmas Mr Editor. KJ.
December 22nd, 2009 at 7:47 am
Dear KJ,
It’s great to be back home.
Good to touch the green green grass of home, as old Tom said all those years ago.
You and I KJ share a fair bit in common –
1. We’re both country people
2. We were both brought up tough but fair as Catholics
3. We’re both high achievers – me being PM, you being Radio National’s leading blogger.
4. We’re frequently attacked under the good old Aussie Tall Poppy Syndrome.
It doesn’t surprise me KJ that you’ve been criticised for brow beating – I get that kinda thing all the time – and you know what?
Quite Frankly My Dear I Don’t Give A Damn.
On another rather more personal matter I’ve been planning to buy some Elle Macpherson Intimates as a Christmas present (not for myself I stress), but am concerned about being misunderstood while making the purchase in the Ladies’ Lingerie Dept – I mean you can imagine the headlines if a member of the pap-arazzi caught me rifling through a pile of ladies undies.
I can see it now front page of all of the Dirty Digger’s tabloids across the land: CAUGHT – THE DIRTY REV!
Any advice KJ to help me out of this potentially explosive predicament?
God Bless Australia – and make Our Mary Macca a saint quick smart!
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Yes, yes, YES – we have lots in common! What a privilege to have YOU point this out. I’ve never understood why you jumped the fence re your Catholicism – PARTICULARLY now that WE’VE got a Saint, and you WON’T be eligible to take REAL Communion on Beatification Day….
Why don’t you take Julia shopping for Therese’s extra special Chrissie knickers? She knows the scene……(Whatever you and Julia come up with one thing ALL of Australia DOES know – 2008, size 20, 2009, size 12-14).
KJ.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:34 am
I was a Friend of the Chair,
And so Ah do DE-clare….
That nothing could be more fair,
‘Cause I was a the Friend of the Chair….
Go on, curse and swear,
But I DE-clare….
No coal-owner or Saudi Prince,
Will ever despair,
Because I was a Friend of the Chair.
Witness Barney Google and Six Pack,
Run round like March Hares…..
But I was a FRIEND OF THE CHAIR…..
AND I am Labor (just like Mister Blair)
Friends like Obama …. without a care.
Nothing could be more fair,
I was a Friend of the Chair…
Go ahead – curse and swear,
BUT I was a Friend Of A Chair.
I WAS A FRIEND OF THE EFFING CHAIR.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Just discovered a 2008 posting on this blog while doing a totally unrelated search.
Rather odd to read total strangers references to my grandfather and mother. And to correct ‘Corbie Hill’, albeit rather belatedly, Major Dooley’s daughter-in-law was never a casual teacher at Leeton Public School.
Hello there Louise,
I remember the post you speak of. It was in reference to Leeton’s Major Dooley Library. We’re always happy to correct things when our collective local knowledge falls short. KJ.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Goodbye Africa, so long south Asia.
Goodbye glaciers and sea ice, coral reefs and rainforest.
It was nice knowing you.
Did we really care? The governments which moved so swiftly to save the banks have bickered and filibustered while the biosphere burns.
Here comes Santa on a camel handing out water bottles.
Here he comes in the Pacific in a rescue demountable.
Is it evolution? Evolving into extinction?
Dear Chadwick,
The editorial in today’s ‘The Irrigator’ reads: ‘All Copehagen did was increase the amount of hot air in the atmosphere with so many politicians opening their mouths and spewing forth the usual rhetoric. For them, when it comes to the furture of the planet, nothing is better than something….’ KJ.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Further info about what it’s like to be in a family which REFUSES to adhere to the sacred tenet of UNCONDITIONAL love.
* Have been told today that my bras ‘are NOT doing their job’.
Have an appointment with a local scaffolder, tomorrow. KJ.
December 23rd, 2009 at 9:41 am
I’d like to say thank you to everyone who bore witness to me Coming Downstairs As An Act Of Courage in 2009.
You were all very understanding.
I’ll be spending Christmas under the man-eatin’ doona.
Seasons Greetings.
Dear The Knuckle,
It’s all UNCONDITIONAL respect in here. DON’T go changin’ in 2010. KJ.
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
A dark figure slipped down Acacia Avenue, past the famous Corner Block of a Potential Princess…..
Irrigator heading: WILL KJ BE LEETON’S GRACE KELLY?
The mystery man took a resting place in the crook of an Acacia Tree.
It was good to be back, albet incognitio.
I had examined the burned out site of the radio station…..
I think that Jim and his Senior Female are getting on all right.
I overheard women in coffee shops and the supermarket still talking about Tune in Tomorrow: ‘Wasn’t it terrible that he said that about his SISTER.’
To be continued.
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Dear KJ,
Just heard some truly dreadful news!
The garbos won’t be doing their run until AFTER Christmas.
Too late then to unload the extra bon-bons, pudding and shortbread.
What’s a woman to do?
PS: *Merry Christmas to Lord Ginge. Remarkable work, ALL year!
Dear Megsy,
Why are you asking me what you should do? I CAN’T help you. I’m TOO stressed…..It’s NOT all about you, you know…..
Merry Xmas, KJ (fraught).
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
A BABY’S GOT MY FINGO! is the working title of a film I am planning in the New Year.
Of course, the setting is Leeton, the driest Irrigation Area in the world.
The story line so far….
Police and volunteers are scouring bassinets, playpens and kindergartens in search of a half fox half dingo believed to have been taken hostage in the pre-Christmas period.
The alarm was set off by Mr G.I.N. German, Fingo’s owner, who ran into a camping area calling:
A baby’s got my Fingo!
Investigators are fearful for the rare creature’s life as it may not be able to withstand being clawed, crushed and thrown by its captor.
Motivation may be parental desire for SOMETHING LIVE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS.
To be continued….
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
The story line continues…
Police have taken possession of a tube of Bonjeela teething jelly near to the scene of Fingo’s disappearance.
It is known, said a forensic analyst, that in excess amounts that the jelly can lead to extraordinary behaviour in infancy.
They are also flowing a trail of disposable nappies.
A baby’s got my Fingo! Mr G.I.N.German told police.
Baby crawl marks have been found in the sand at the dry levee of Leeton.
BRING BACK FINGO FOR CHRISTMAS! signs have appeared in Leeton’s streets.
To be continued…..
December 23rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I have STRIPPED TO THE WAIST to join in the search.
December 23rd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Who’d a thought of such a thing-o
That a baby could take our Fingo?
December 23rd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Un-condominium love?
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I am saddened by the lack of unconditional love KJ. No-one should EVER knock the knockers!
But then again maybe it’s a country thing….
I’m reminded of introducing my future husband to my rellos out bush and they all said: Coooooooorrrrrrrr! How much bloody weight have you lost on Weight Watchers!
Thank goodness my family moved to a quasi metropolitan hamlet. You look well. Red or White?
Dear MrsT,
I know I carry on but I sorta like that certain ‘country directness’.
For example, earlier today I was told that I’m ‘NOT as lazy as I used to be….’
Talk about chuffed! First compliment of the Season.
KJ.
December 24th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Christmas Day Edition of The Irrigator, Leeton
EXCLUSIVE !
FINGO FOUND IN NATIVITY CRIB IN LEETON
By a Staff Reporter:
Fingo, the dingo-fox half breed, missing this week has been found safe and well in a Catholic Church in Leeton.
The animal was found suckling an abandoned doll in a Nativity scene in the church.
The doll is said by medical staff to be in excellent condition.
‘It’s Romulus and Remus all over again,’ said a rescuer, recalling the famous story of a wolf suckling the founders of ancient Rome.
The animal grrrrd and yowled at first, but released the doll after the arrival of Fingo’s owner, Mr G.I.N.German, a visiting film maker and broadcaster.
Worshippers in the church alerted police after they noticed that the doll and an animal were moving in the Nativity Scene.
To be continued…..
December 24th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Dear Miss KJ
Carnt help thinking too many people find the Yuletide far too stressful and – in the spirit of Christmas – I carnt help recommending, as that last minute stocking filler for that special person in your life (or your worst enemy) a copy of Tony Six Pack’s latest thriller – ‘BATTLELINES’.
But HURRY, soon there’ll be less than 12 hours to Christmas.
Yours as Ever,
The Old Carnt
PS: Just sent a copy of ‘Battlelines’ by special courier to The Lodge – carnt help myself.
Dear The Old Carnt,
Good idea. The stress levels in THE family that refuses to love UNCONDITIONALLY have peaked! Or have they? Every time I think it couldn’t get worse, SOMETHING else happens (eg. someone just arrived with an ORGANIC turkey and was told in NO uncertain terms: ‘WHO do you think you are?’).
* Meanwhile, I have less than 24 hours to render myself worthy of lovin’.
I DON’T think I’ll make the grade. I’m hoping for a solid ‘B’ – that means I’m worthy of TOLERATION.
Merry Xmas,
KJ.
December 24th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Dearest KJ,
Needless to say YOU and our friends KNOW what I want for Chrissie.
Thank you for advising me during ‘09. Yep, I know this is NOT a ‘pick up’ site. However, you did give me an Easter dispensation.
Happy Christmas everybody,
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
Let it be known that at precisely 3:25pm on Dec 24, 2009, I have granted you a Christmas dispensation.
You MAY seek romance in this site until precisely 3:25pm, December 26, 2009.
Merry Christmas and good luck, KJ.
December 24th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Lord Ginge, I have followed your every adventure and look forward to MORE derring-do throughout 2010.
Have a Marvellous, Bloody Marvellous Xmas……..
The Chief Monk, I WILL SPIN FOR YOU TOMORROW.
HMITN.
December 25th, 2009 at 9:15 am
The live baby lay in the manger with Fingo curled around the child.
The baby seemed to be enjoying his first gurgling role as the Baby Jesus.
Fingo lapped up the role of Protector. Natural talent!
The Five Super Puppies, Kev the Kanga and Tigger the Tame Sumatran Tiger (who however snarled at a couple of men from Griffith) joined the Nativity scene.
The baby got a baptism of licks.
A single mother came forward with her boyfriend to claim the child.
Praise the Lord, she said. A Fingo has saved my baby!
Blessed be God forever!
Then into the Leeton Catholic Church came three wise Monks from Darvishstan.
They span around the child, then they went spinning to all corners of the church.
Others began to copy them.
Soon the whole congregation was spinning.
They span out into the street.
First Acacia Avenue, then the whole town began to spin.
The Chief Monk: We spin fra de Lorde. We spin fra de lubbin of the Childe, yesirreebobtruedat! Lub yo enemas! Lub all pipples!
And we spin fra rain fra to Dry Hirrigatin Harea!
It began to rain. Then it rained, again and again.
Leeton people were a-spinnin and a-dancin everywhere.
It was a great Christmas.
December 25th, 2009 at 10:10 am
An Irish Christmas Blessing
The light of the Christmas star to you
The warmth of home and hearth to you
The cheer and good will of friends to you
The hope of a childlike heart to you
The joy of a thousand angels to you
The love of the Son and God’s peace to you.
Slainte go saol agat,
Bean ar do mhian agat.
Leanbh gach blian agat,
is solas na bhflaitheas tareis antsail seo agat.
(roughly pronounced: Slancha ga sheil agat
Ban ir da vian agat
Toluv gan kis agat
Lanov gach blean agat
Iss solas na vlahas taraish antail sha agat.)
“Health for life to you,
A wife of your choice to you,
Land without rent to you,
A child every year to you,
And the light of heaven after this world for you.”
December 26th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
The success of the wireless serial, Gone With The (Passing of) Wind aka Tune in Tomorrow has put my synapses into overdrive.
I feel a sudden rush of Reality here!
Hundreds of listeners from Leeton have sent me messages saying that the line, I LOVE HER FATHER, BUT NOT AS A SISTER, BUT AS A WOMAN ! has had quite an impact on the community.
Therefore I have great pleasure in announcing the Sister of the Year Competitition 2010.
I Love my Sister because…
Surely such an essay contest will bring forth not only the literary talents of the community, but will give us greater insight into the blood relationships of a rural community.
It will bring families even CLOSER TOGETHER.
All Sisters contributing here deserve LOVE, and as a WOMAN!