WAIST WATCH!
The Scene: Stinking hot fourth form classroom at St Francis College. Special event. A joint presentation – by Sister Resurrection and Brother Crucifixion – titled:
Marital RE-lations. Agree With Us Or Go to Hell.
cr: bitca:flickr
It is rousing stuff. Brother Crucifixion, in his heavy Marist Brother maxi dress, is so worked up he’s morphing into one big sweat stain.
Boy and girls, God is love but he WILL NOT tolerate it when that love is DE-based, abused…..
…..Walk down Pine Avenue on any Saturday night and you’ll see degenerates from Leeton High School laughing and touching each other in THE REGION OF THE WAIST……
If you DO NOT respect YOUR waist region, no-one else will: NO-ONE!
Sister Resurrection’s face looks like the carpet in Lee’s Chinese Restaurant: white and yellow flecks with big ugly splashes of red. But by now, all eyes have switched to HER waist.
With both hands, Sister Resurrection is pushing down HARD on her 34lb nine-inch-wide leather belt from which is dangling a 47lb string of giant rosary beads. The rosary beads take on a life of their own – they’re bobbing up and down BELOW Sister Resurrection’s ample waist.
……Sister Resurrection edges closer to Brother Crucifixion.
Brother Crucifixion is right! Don’t make the fatal mistake of thinking ‘below the waist’ or ‘above the waist’. Promise yourselves girls that no-one will ever go NEAR YOUR WAIST before (by all objective accounts) your VERY SCARY wedding night….
By now, Brother Crucifixion is alarming everyone: eyes bulging, focussing on no-one, nothing in particular. He’s now SO sweaty he looks like the poor semi-conscious man I once saw being pulled out of the Murrumbigee at Turkey Flat Beach.
And…..HE’S also pushing down hard on HIS 65lb leather belt from which is dangling a 102lb cross.
Brother Cruxifixion….pushing down and puffing…pushing and puffing……
In about two years you’ll find yourself on your wedding night at the Motel Deflowerment in Narrandera.
DID YOU KNOW that if your new husband finds out your WAIST REGION is NOT what he thought it was he will write to the Pope and have you ANNULLED, WIPED OUT, SENT BACK TO YOUR POOR MOTHER….
AND who’s gunna have a nervous breakdown when she has to walk around town returning all those crock pots and punch sets? YOUR MOTHER, THAT’S WHO!
(Loud gasps from the girls).
Sister Resurrection…..now pushing and puffing, pushing and puffing in harmony with Brother Crucifixion.
And what young man wants to cause HIS father a nervous breakdown when he tells him he’s had to write to the Pope because of a MAJOR WAIST PROBLEM which CANNOT be fixed?
(Loud gasps from the boys).
Suddenly, Sister Cruxifixion and Brother Resurrection stop pushing down hard on their belts and the rosary beads and cross return to their rightful possies.
As if in one voice: Sigh, sigh, sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………
*When I get home, I tell Gwennie that from now on, she is NOT to make me any more dresses that accentuate my waist region.
It’ll be boob tubes all the way.
*********************
I am all aware that it’s a very busy time of the year – filling in personal liability forms for staff Christmas parties, trying desperately to hide the awful truth from family and friends that you’re a climate change sceptic……protecting yourself from wandering waist headed hands…..
To say many you ARE SHATTERED is probably an understatement….
BUT, keep reporting in. Why? Because the other day I heard a visiting international social media expert say that a blog without comments is NO blog at all. Yikes!
*MR G.I.N German of Emissions Moving Pictures*
cr:daleberts:flicker
The sprawling masterpiece that is Gone With The (Passing Of ) Wind is NO where near finished……
Colonel Ab Doman, Miss Scarlett O’KJ, Miss Melanie and the Riverina’s most feared water smuggler, Mr Rhett ‘Wet’ Bubbler, are all stipped down to their waists in our comments section.
KINDLY A-VERT YOUR EYES!
After A-vertin’ just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Hey KJ,
Happy pre xmas.
Just practising – good to warm up for our splendid celebration.
Wauchope is just crying out for recognition.
Hoping to send you some verse….
Love to be encouraged in all endeavours
bassstraightswell
Dear bassstraightswell,
And a very Merry PRE-Christmas right back at you!
I spoke to someone today who said they were ‘practising to be a rellie’….because Christmas is the only time they get to be one.
I said: ‘How do rellies behave?’
He said: ‘ If a person has to be told that they ain’t livin’ in the real world!’
KJ.
December 7th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Hi KJ,
As you know it was never about me. NEVER, NEVER. It was about the people I serve, so don’t take what I’m going to say next in the wrong way…
BUT…….
HOW come the cast of GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND appears to have no place for a handsome fair Preachin’ Man?
…….A MAN who can both save the world and cast out fornicators, climate changers, budgie smugglers and kindred sinners – WHILE also entertaining the ladies taking tea on the balconies of country mansions during these hot, hot days of summer.
I’m sorry KJ, but I think this time you’re right OUT of step.
Surprising really because only the other day I was talking to Mark Scott about future funding arrangements for the National Broadcaster.
God Save Australia (including everyone’s ABC)
The Rev Kev,
Ah jest spoke with Mr G.I.N German of ‘Emissions Moving Pictures’.
He said yo tell that Capin’ Kevvie that mah work is CHARACTER-based.
Ah don’t thiiink ah kin add much more….
Enjoy yo day.
Miss Scalett O’KJ.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
The bower of intertwined Acacia Flowers made a graceful canopy over Malcolm Knoxie III and his bride Betsy Jo Rivers as the minister performed the nuptials….
Does yo Betsy Jo take this Man ta be yo lawful wedded husband? .
(Yesireebob)
Does Yo, Mister Knoxie, take this woman ta be yo Lady long as yo both is kickin’?
(True dat, Suh)
Ef any Man hev any ‘jections, let him speak now or forever Hold His Peace.
I LOVE YO BETSY JO came the voice of her twin brother, Billie Joe Rivers.
Course ya do, son said his father, Phineas Rivers IV, Leeton Mayor and Riverina Governor.
I LOVE HER FATHER.
Course, you do love yo sister. Everybody knows that….
I LOVE YO BETSY JO.
Course yo love her, son.
BUT I LOVE HER, FATHER, NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN.
(Dramatic organ music)
Please tune in real soon for another excitin’ episode of ‘Gone with the (Passing of) Wind’.
Emissions Moving Picture Productions.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Waist not want not……….
Dear Greek and loving it,
Problem is……I could never really see it like that….. KJ.
December 7th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Dear KJ
Congratulations! I like a girl who shoots straight. A girl who stands by her man….
(I got one myself recently – she’s a great girl – when I speak, she stands right next to me looking at me real hard, and listening to everything I say – real interested – intense but kinda gooey at the same time – look out for her next time I’m on the News – probably tonight!)
No I mean it. Congratulations for bringing some good old fashioned Christian values back to the ABC. INSTEAD of Aunty’s usual fare – whining on about same sex marriage.
No, your piece was just the sort of muscular christianity this country needs.
Your descriptions of St Francis College brought back many happy memories for me – and that message about the dangers about the waist region may have been given to you a while ago, but it’s just as valid today.
And well done for putting the appalling The Rev Kev in his place – he’s typical of his sort.
Y’know when I challenged him to step in the ring – mano a mano to a boxing match – sorry, sermon on climate change – he runs for cover.
You watch him, next thing he’ll be hopping on a plane OS again.
Good onya KJ.
Great to have you on the team.
Next time you’re in Sydney on the northern beaches, how about joining me for a run along Manly beach? I find healthy exercise keeps my mind off dirty thoughts.
Tony Six Pack.
Why Tony,
You keep talkin’ like this and you just MIGHT get my vote…..
Sure I’ll go runnin’ along Manly Beach with ya…..SURE. BUT, I have to warn you: I burn like crazy and always end up with sunstroke which makes me vomit uncontrollably.
NOT the sort of news item you’re looking for at this critical juncture…?
KJ.
December 7th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I am not sure about some of the ideas expressed even though many of us are from CLOSE BLOOD RELATIONSHIPS.
More Bushells?
Turn up the volume .
December 7th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
The great red gum doors of Tin Tara swung open, and Rhett ‘Wet’ Bubbler The Water Smuggler stood there, his teeth flashing under his cavalier moustache.
He flung a four gallon drum of water at Scarlett’s O’KJ’s pretty muslim covered feet.
For yer ABLUTIONS, MA’M. It must be SIX WEEKS OR MORE SINCE YO TUBBED.
Damn Green Yankee Water. Ah got mah eau de cologne, yessir I have. I smell right purty. Ah Do.
Quite Frankly my dear, ah do not care a possum’s haemorrhoids! AH DO NOT GIVE A DAMN.
Yo wicked Green Yankee Water Smuggler. I hates ya.
Scarlett O’KJ’s tiny fists pummelled the Captain Rhett ‘Wet’ Bubbler’s enormous and broad chest beneath its white silk shirt and black ribbon tie and bolo medallion.
Now Miz, yo is NERVY.
He swept her up in his arms and mounted the Reg Gum stairs, taking the water container wth him.
YO NEEDS REST. Miss Scarlett O’KJ…..
Tune in real soon for the next excitin’ episode of Gone with the (Passing of) Wind.
(Emissions Moving Picture Productions).
December 7th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Came Downstairs As An Act Of Courage…..
Saw the post about waists. Made me feel inadequate.
A WAIST?…MY KINGDOM FOR A WAIST!
Back upstairs to the man-eatin’ doona.
December 8th, 2009 at 1:08 am
As is the ritual of this blog……
Let us mark the passing of Sophie….. which will sadden The Ginger Man and all of the surviving Bletchley Gang.
Sophie was a fun lady.
http://www.smh.com.au/national/obituaries/hostess-of-uproarious-wartime-fandangos-behind-enemy-lines-20091206-kcrg.html
December 8th, 2009 at 5:32 am
I think it’s ON AGAIN…
You know, I feel like a shandy. Just a ‘lady’s waist’ for me though…
I am not one of those women who sit in the ladies room at the pub waitin’ for a lounge lizard.
Shush…it’s ON!
December 8th, 2009 at 5:35 am
When Colonel Ab Doman heard that his daughter had fled to the Green Yankees in the Big White House in Canberry he stripped to the waist and began to beat his nakes back with an acacia branch.
Ah is AGGRIEVED…
Ah is MORTIFIED……
How can that gal I done raised say that Ah is a poof?
His Six Pack muscles contorted with passion.
His son, comforting him, said Ah still loves her Daddy.
Ah know ya do…
Ah know ya loves her still and so do Ah.
(Son) BUT I LOVES HER NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN!
PLEASE TUNE IN REAL SOON FOR THE NEXT EXCITIN’ EPISODE OF ‘GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND’.
(Emissions Moving Picture Productions).
December 8th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Was it only that hotbed of secular anti-clericalism, Leeton High School, that got the going-over from the hot gospeller, KJ?
Because I can remember a few St Frannies’ pupils who gave it a red hot go back in my day.
* Readers please note – these are the rantings of a Leeton High girl. No surprises here, NO surprises…..(sigh) KJ.
December 8th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Hi KJ
Tony Six pack Here – no bullshit, no crap – just telling it as it is.
Thanks for being upfront about your propensity for vomiting after a good, long hard run – don’t worry, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I often throw up after an 80k bike ride before breakfast – I see it not only as a sign I’m working hard, but also as a kinda PURGING – A CLEANSING OF MY BODY (which you may have noticed is a temple…)
So let’s cut the crap, get the budgie smugglers on and hit the road.
I’ll have to make this a quick one – the Parrot wants me back in his studio again. He loves my work – says it’s the start of a people’s movement from STRUGGLE STREET – no bullshit!
Tony Six Pack.
Dear Tony Six Pack,
You’re amazing! (Gee, I’m glad that Hec – God rest his soul – is NOT around to hear me say that……)
I don’t know what’s come over me…
Last night I tossed and turned….the concept, the REALITY of Muscular Christianity had me in a spin.
Off to Mass on Sunday for the first time in a VERY long time….KJ.
December 8th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
In the surgical tent, Nurse Ah Do’s heart was pounding so much that she was sure The Doctor could see the movements of her breasts as they pulsated against the crisp white starched cotton of her uniform.
The surgeon’s eyes gazed occasionally at her face, but did not stray southward.
HE IS TOO DEVOTED TO SAVING THE LIVES OF THE WOUNDED, she thought as she fought to control the tide of passion within.
She passed pad after pad to absorb the sweat on his brow.
More hot water and plenty of it, he demanded, giving her an icy stare.
…..Occasionally, his hand would brush against hers as he accepted a tea bag and tumbler.
Despite the fact that a rubber glove separated them an electric spark seemed to jump into her arm and run down her spine, then conceal itself in the innermost recesses of her body….
He treated her so brutally, but perhaps feminine kindness could water down his Male Hardness.
But it was the arrival of the Pale Preacher Man in the tent to offer the Last Rites that added to Nurse Ah Do’s confusion.
Some said he was a Secret Agent for the Green Yankees. Senator Barney ‘Balmy’ Google had tried to have him arrested.
You ask, am I here to save souls? said The Preacher. I answer in the Affirmative.
He allowed Nurse Ah Do to hold the holy book, which contained an engraving of Napoleon I.
I am also French said Ah Do. From a Long Ways Back….
The Preacher had thought of rebutting her brutally in Mandarin, but instead he gave her a ruthless glance.
Your surname? he demanded in his typically brutish male manner.
It is AH DO DE CLARE, she said, blushing to the roots of her hair peeping from beneath her nurse’s cap.
We was French Haristocrats, suh. We come to Leeton ways back.
Well, Miz de Clare, may I suggest you concentrate on your work. We have lives and souls to save here.
Ah Do’s gentle girlish heart was now torn between two loves. What was she to do?
Outside she could hear the acacia blooms dropping, so she got one and pinned it to her breast.
…..Perhaps it could heal the inward yearnings of a Leeton maiden.
PLEASE TUNE IN AGAIN REAL SOON TO ‘GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND’.
Emissions Moving Pictures Productions.
December 8th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Dear KJ,
I’m leavin’
on a jet plane,
don’t know when I’ll be
back again………
BUT, y’know what?
At least the people over in Copenhagen want me, NEED me and BELIEVE in the Book of Kev..
In one way PJ was right: Australia really is the a******* of the earth.
FULL OF BARBARIANS.
A man only has to take his shirt off and women who should know better go weak at the knees.
And before you say it (yes, I know some smarty pants will point out) that The Rev Kev’s carbon footprint is the biggest in Australia BUT when you’re saving the world you gotta travel fast AND first class.
Anyway I’m a bit of a role model, travelling real light: just my Lonely Planet Bible and a small cache of ear wax for in-flight nourishment. (I don’t rely on airline attendants for food anymore – terrible service these days – even in first class).
God Speed,
The Rev Kev.
The Rev Kev,
My goodness, my goodness me – THIS is all very UNSEEMLY…….NOT what I would expect from a man given the official job of befriending chairs in Denmark.
I know, I know, it’s all VERY disappointing. I really know you wanted to stand up on a friendly chair and tell everyone: ‘ I am the President of The A******* Of The Earth BUT….GUESS WHAT?……I do come before you with an ETS. BEAT THAT, BEAT THAT!’
So….all your dreams have come to nought…..
My suggestion for the way forward?
Get a big mixed grill and a bucket of Red Bull into ya, push on AND tell everyone in Copenhagen how much you love the works of Hans Christian Andersen.
Say hello to Mary D and that crazy Frederick for me. KJ.
December 8th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Dear KJ,
I am a 54 year old female graduand of a nunnery.
Your tale reminded me of some words uttered decades ago.
Sister Mary Mary: I do want to ever hear that any of you girls HAD to get married. AND I do not want to hear that any of you girls ended up working in G.J. Coles!!!
As God Is My Witness,
HMITN.
Dear HMITN,
Welcome!
Was Sister Mary Mary’s possie on working in Fosseys just as hardline?
KJ.
December 8th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Since when did your mum Gwennie have the internet?
Carpet at the local changa has changed.
It’s Xmas. So where is this year’s Xmas song?
Not up to another recording??? Last years was a goodin’. Might have to do.
I’ve seen your photos of recent times. Strictly above an indiscernible waistline for all activities is recommended. (Never mind what the religious sect is)
My apologies KJ. Xmas IS a stressful time.
Been hearing you a bit on the radio….
*Roma Street’s observations spot on.
Ex-Leetonite,
As ah have sed: Ah like a perky gal but yo have gone ways too far – IN-DIS-CERN-I-BLE waistline!!!!!!
Ah will tell yo this gurl: NO MAN HAS EVER MIS-TOOK MAH WAIST FOR ANYTHING BUT A WAIST!!!
Miss Scarlett O’KJ.
December 8th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
First Budgies, now lizards and other critters. Six Pack may be more of a smuggler that we suspect. I mean if every politician visiting the bush packed a two gallon water container in his briefs he could do a lot of good.
Then again, Tony Six Pack needs all the water he can get lest the garden on his chest becomes desertified through, dare I say it, CLIMATE CHANGE.
Just how patriotic are we? Can we still love the Darling, the ‘Bidgee and the Murray when they are waterless?
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/12/08/2765375.htm
Dear Chadwick,
I once went on one a date with a man who (I discovered to my horror LATE in the evening) had two wombats stuffed down his jocks…. KJ.
December 9th, 2009 at 8:33 am
There are four things things the Listening and Viewing Public want, said The Scripter to Jim, stirring his Absinthe:
Reality, Fantasy, Lust AND Racial Hatred……..
……Are your SURE there are no people from the Himalayas in the Leeton district?
Have you ever watched them try to make tea? Plumb disgustn’.
(Jim) The synapses are in OVERDRIVE, Sir!
December 9th, 2009 at 8:38 am
My hands are shakin’ too much to pour the Bushells…
Would you do the honours, Gertie or Aggie?
QUICK IT’S COMING ON AGAIN.
December 9th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I tell ya all (said Senator Barney ‘Balmy’ Google) his eyes a-poppin’.
We is being INFILTRATED BY REFUGEE CLIMATE CHANGERS FROM THE HIMALAYAS. Yesirree!
These queue jumpers CANNOT make tea and they is part of a world wide conspiracy to put Carbon Taxes on good white folks in the Riverina.
IT IS THE RIVERINA TODAY, THE WORLD TOMORROW …
Voice: We love the animals. In the Himalayas the animals are our friends.
Riverina Voice: Leave that dog alone…..
(Pistol shot).
TUNE IN REAL SOON FOR ANOTHER EXCITIN’ EPISODE OF ‘GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF ) WIND’.
Emissions Moving Pictures Prouductions.
December 9th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I have nothing against people who come down the ‘Bidgee from elsewhere (said Gertie) They CANNOT help not being born in the Riverina.
Is there any more Brandy, Gwennie? Is it true that the word ‘Chunder’ comes from the brand name ‘Chateau Tanunda’?
No idea……. (said Gwennie)
December 9th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Dear KJ,
Sister Mary Mary left we girls in NO DOUBT.
The decree re never working in G.J. Coles extended to ALL retail outlets.
EVEN the Church Of Fosseys.
As God Is My Witness,
HMITN.
Dear HMITN,
Fosseys Emporium, Leeton, had the best selection of waist-enforced size 26+ Cottontails on the Pacific Rim. KJ.
December 9th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
My hands are shakin’ too much to pour the Bushells…
Would you do the honours, Gertie?, Aggie?
QUICK IT’S COMING ON AGAIN.
December 9th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
It was the first duel fought between a man on a stretcher and a bare chested Confed Coal-ition warrior.
I do declare, suh, (said the recumbent man) Yo is a six-pack bullshitter. ON GUARD!
Replied Ab Doman: YO ON GUARD! Yooself, suh, is a bullshitter.
The surgical tent resounded with the sound of clashing sabres.
Ah love…..Ah mean Ah HATE it when grown men come ta blows, cried Nurse Ah Do, her breasts and heart pounding against her crisp white starched blouse.
Officers separated the duellists.
They had sustained only minor wounds.
Hot water and plenty of it, called the Stern and Impeccable Surgeon. And do not forget the Tea Bags, Nurse Ah Do de Clare.
TUNE IN REAL SOON FOR THE NEXT EXCITIN’ EPISODE OF ‘GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND.
EMISSION MOVING PICTURE PRODUCTIONS.
December 9th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
KJ,
I’m copying you in on this one in the national interest – it’s getting pretty serious.
Memo to: CIA, FBI, MI5, MI6, SMIRSH & Affiliates.
Re: Character Assessment: New Leader Australian Opposition.
Subject: Tony Abbott.
aka: The Mad Monk, People Skills, Tony Six Pack, Colonel Ab Doman.
Deep background research reveals the subject is suffering from a rare but extremely dangerous condition – AMORE INFANTUS SYMPTATUS COMPLEXUS – sometimes known as Love Child Complex.
He claims to be the product of a union between former PM John Howard (see files: ‘Man of Steel’, ‘The Deputy Sheriff’, ‘Border Patrol’) and a female MP sometimes known as The Blonde Bomber.
Yep, I’m their love chile’ he’s said more than once – before grinning and then staring at anyone anywhere near him, in an aggressive ex-boxer fashion.
Unsatisfied with these bizarre claims, Abbott some years ago entered a new and alarmingly advanced phase of the condition, when he started approaching people apparently at random, yelling:
You’re my Love Child.
Our psychiatric team report that Abbott’s condition is almost certainly a symptom of his strict Catholic upbringing, and is unfortunately untreatable.
The Man In Grey,
Isn’t it ALWAYS the same? – a Muscular Christian with dreams and speedos bursts onto the national stage – AND OUT COMES THE KNIVES!
You should be ashamed of yourself. KJ.
December 9th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Dear KJ,
If I’m NOT allowed to look below my girth, how can I polish my shoes?
As God Is My Witness,
MBB.
Dear MBB,
Welcome!
While fully clothed, take your shoes off – and rub them vigorously against your bum. KJ.
December 10th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
The Climate Carpetbaggers were poised on the outskirts of Grong Grong and Leeton.
Their hungry, gombeen men eyes gleamed as they gazed upon the white pillared mansions.
A little gas-oh-leen and a box o’ lucifers and ah opine we can buy any of then for less than twenty dollars.
From the mansion of Tina Tara they could hear the voice of Scarlett O’ KJ calling, Fiddley-dee:
Ah is now a FULFILLED woman thanks to a Green Yank Water Smuggling Gen-mun caller….
AH IS NEVER GONNA BE THIRSTY AGAIN! NOT SO LONG AS AH LIVE, NOSIREEBOB TRUE DAT.
*TUNE IN AGAIN REAL SOON FOR THE NEXT SHOCKIN’ EPISODE OF ‘GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND’.
* Emissions Moving Picture Productions.
December 10th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
This tea tastes funny. Is the water fresh?
…..Hang on girls……Ssssh…..Ssssh…….here she comes…..
December 10th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
The Himalayan (Outsourced) Sewer Gang from Grong Grong and Leeton and Narrandera began to congregate and silently head for the Territorial radio station.
Behind them flames began to leap skywards from Grong Grong.
They carried signs reading:
We are not queue jumpers or Climate Terrorists……WE ARE FROM THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION AND WE ARE WARRIORS.
Stay tuned as ‘ Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind’ gets darn ug-lie…
*Emissions Moving Picture Productions.
December 10th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Inside the radio station, Mr G.I.N. German quickly detected the smell of smoke.
He is a very fire aware man….
The last six stations at which he had provided scripts had gone up in flames.
Leeton was no exception…..
To the actors: Go home… Go home. Leave the voices for the last episode to me.
To young Jim: Go home. Go home and entertain a lady. Take this – buy a picnic basket and a bottle of Cold Duck. Love is in the air !
Suddenly Mr G.I.N German could feel the cold rush of Reality striking.
December 11th, 2009 at 4:41 am
KJ,
What lateral thinking!
The nuns obviously taught you to think outside the box.
Gotta go – ‘Gone With The Passing Of The Wind’ should be on soon. MBB.
Dear MBB,
The nuns taught me to think outside the nuns. KJ.
December 11th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Why is it every time Mr G.I.N. German of Emissions Productions lets loose on his fiction, reality proves more ludicrous?
Barnaby Joyce has ‘declared war’ (with eyes a poppin’) and now they are talking about ‘Abbott’s Army’.
Dear Mister The Dude,
Ah know! Ah know! Like yesterday, ah was sittin’ at mah desk when mah new boss rode a big white horse through the office….
He is dark and handsome – but very AN-GRIE…..
Word is he’s lost seven wives in MYS-TER-I-OUS ridin’ accidents….
* All hell broke out when ah tried to rip mah OWN bodice off…….KJ.
December 11th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Wonderful, wonderful Hopenhagen….
Friendly old girl of a town,
‘Neath her tavern light
In this time of Fright..
Let us clink and sink an island down,
To wonderful, wonderful Hopenhagen…
Sinking old queen of the sea,
Once I sailed away
But I’m home today….
Singing…
Hopenhagen,
Wonderful, wonderful
Hopenhagen,
For me.
December 11th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Dear everyone,
Nearing the end of my six-month sabbatical and what a triumph! A well deserved break from whining students, time for contemplation, deep thinking and a chance to catch up with important developments in the field…
I’ve been so busy!
Several well connected colleagues have already had a sneak preview of the results at the at the Faculty Xmas Party. LUCKILY this was held at a swish inner city bar – there’s NO way a self respecting academic turns up at campus during sabbatical.
‘How have you managed to stay so fit and trim without running between meetings all day?’ they asked.
‘Well! It just so happens that climate change has played a part- there are so many street marches in Europe nowadays and if you plan your European route wisely – and this is where the deep thinking comes in – you can spend hours marching through exotic locations carrying large stuffed animals. Does wonders for the upper underarms- you should try it!’
Hah!
Wait till they get a sniff of my publications! Heavily informed by the many UNCONFERENCES (finally given up conferences -I know many of you will have already done this but please I am ONLY a old fashioned academic!) my book chapter will focus on the use of speed geeking facilitation style. Boy if you really want to burn calories THIS is the way to do it.
Looking forward to my next six month sabbatical already – and I know that the Australian public will too.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Well done you (You little minx!)
UNCONFERENCING! What is that?, why haven’t I heard of such a thing?, how do I do it?….should I do it?, I think I wanna try it, will I feel guilty if I do…? KJ.
December 11th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Just opened my first department email since returning from sabbatical. Oh what fun…..
FROM: Patty Lewis HR
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
I was due to head home to Leeton on Sunday the 19th but I’ve postponed my trip until after your party which I am most certainly going to crash…..
Why?
Because I want to, MUST meet Patty of HR.
What a gal!
…’Hello Patty, I’m lookin’ for trans fat and lots of it!’
KJ.
December 11th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Narrator: Flames licked the sky over Grong Grong, turning the atmosphere into a blood red furnace.
Voice: This is the end of Civilization As We Know It.
Second Voice: Virgil Drain is Mah Name. This is the wust thing sence they Drove Ole Nixon Down.
Voice of Scarlett O’KJ: Ah is a fulfilled WOMAN. AH LOVES YA RHETT ‘WET’ BUBBLER!
Rhett: Quite frankly mah dear ah do not give a possum’s left testicle. I do not GIVE A DAMN.
Scarlett: Oh, Wet, Wet, Wet, Ah loves ya. SO LONG AS AH LIVE AM AM NEVER GONNA BE THIRSTY AGEN!
Massed voices of Himalayans: Youse can come and live in the Himalayas Scarlett O’KJ. Wees will treat ya right….
Voice of Colonel Ab Doman: OVER MAH DEAD BODEE…..what’s in those bottles?
Himalayans: You guess.
Ab Doman: Twinings?
Himalayas: No.
AD: English Breakfast?
Himalayans: No.
AD: Dilmah?
Himalayans: No. PETROLEUM. Got a match? Burn, burn, burn. Let nothing of this sinful place be left.
(A small dark figure slips down a laneway amidst the smoke accompanied by the radio station guard dog)
Please turn in again real soon because ‘Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind hasn’t quite finish.
*Emissions Moving Picture Productions.
December 13th, 2009 at 11:54 am
The great mansions and plantations are gone now. Massa’s in de cold cold ground.
Tin Tara, the stately red gum mansion is gone too, but there is a statue of the Rebel Girl, with the inscription AH AINT NEVER GONNA BE THIRSTY AGAIN!
There is a waterless drinking fountain in the centre of town in honour of Rhett “Wet” Bubbler, the Green Yankee Water Smuggler.
It is still the Irrigation Area Without Water.
Film crews use it for Moon Locations.
Young couples drive out to the Dry Levee for Romance.
A branch of the Ah Do De Clares live in a shack on the edge of town.
Smouldering beneath respectability, however, is the spirit of the Rebel, Barney Google.
They can take away our water, but not our Freedom.
There is an annual Bare Chest Parade of young men.
Young ladies still A-Vert their Eyes.
There is a new Himalayan High School, but it is heavily guarded.
Old rebel artillery still point northward towards the Enemy in Canberry….
LIFE GOES ONE….
December 13th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Ah apologise for the links to kerriejean.com collapsin’ in SPEC-TAC-U-LAR fashion over the last 36 hours….
Rest A-sured ah will be doin’ everythun’ in mah power to make sure it doesn’t happen agin.
What a tryin’ time of the year….
KJ (nervy).
December 13th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
The Anniversary of the Battle of the Big, Big Horn and the Burnin’ of Grong Grong was the occasion for an address by Barney Google, the Accountant who was POISED to assume the financial affairs of the once divided Nation.
It is worth quotin’ verbatim:
More score years than ah kin count our forefathers settled their posteriors in this fair land of the Riverina….
Mah own Daddy used ter tell me:
Why we was here: let’s see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven eight, nine, ten….LOTS. Then HEAPS.
Daddy was one of a long line of ‘countants. He knew how many beans make five. Over ten, he knowed there was LOTS. He was a PROUD ‘Rina Rebel.
We ‘Rina Rebels don’t take nothin’ lyin’ down.
Ah know we now has a Himalayan High School heah. But nevah forgit…..
Ah know Green Yankees have settled here. But I tell you one thing:
THEY CAINT LIVE WITHOUT WATER AND WE CAN.
MY GRANDADDY LIVED WITHOUT WATER AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM, THIS IS AN IRRIGATIN’ AREA WITHOUT WATER AND SO GOD HATH COMMANDED. AMEN.
WE STILL GOT THE LEVEE WITHOUT WATER.
AH KNOW THE DAMN GREEN YANKEES LIVIN HEAH ARE SPREADIN’ LIES ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TA HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE.
WHY SOME OF EM HAVE FORMED THE LEETON SURF LIFESAVERS CLUB AND OCEAN GOING YACHT CLUB.
WHEN AH SEE PORPOISES AND SHARKS GOIN DOWN ACACIA AVENOO THEN AH SHALL BELIEVE EM.
Barney Google’s eye-poppin’ oratory was followed by a wreath-layin’ ceremony outside the Hill of Memory outside the local Fish Shop.
The Hill was originally created by a Green Yankee agent, Mister G.I.N. German (see earlier Archives) during a visit to Leeton where the scoundrel slept in Acacia Trees.
The tree in which the scoundrel slept has since been destroyed. He has been declared Enemy of Leeton.
Recreation activity afterwards included a Six Pack competition among young Leeton manhood and the selection of The Leeton Lady with the Most A-Vertin’ Eyes.
December 13th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
*Welcome back KJ!
Geek Paradise
Heaven… I’m in Geek Heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak…..
Because I finally found Mister Heroic Mumbai Geek,
Now we’re out together,
Dancing cheek to cheek.
Heaven… I’m in heaven,
And the cares that hung around me through the week,
Seem to vanish like a gambler’s lucky streak,
When we’re cell phoning cheek to cheek.
Oh, I love to climb a mountain,
And to reach the highest peak,
But it doesn’t thrill me half as much….
As finding Mr Heroic Mumbai Geek.
Oh, I love to go out fishing,
In a river or a creek….
But I don’t enjoy it half as much,
As finding Mister Heroic Mumbai Geek.
Dance with me!
I want my arms about you.
The charms about you…
Will carry me through to… Mubai Heaven….
It’s heaven, our Geek Heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak…
And I seem to find the happiness I seek,
When the Kumars are together dancing cheek to cheek……
December 13th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Miz KJ, ma’am – as the minister stalkin’ the Fin-aance Minister, ah have noted your recent teck-ni-kal difficulties.
This here is no doubt a plot by the Him-a-layans. They’s got disgustin technical notions. Yesirree. And those Green Yankees on the ABC, those co-labborators, are jest a-sittin’ an A-Vertin’ their Eyes.
Mah eyes are so A-POPPIN’ at the moment. Ah got to see an Ophthalmologist, which is a fancy Green Yankee name fer Eye Doctor.
Ef yo want WAR, then bring it ON!
December 13th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
MissKerrieJeanMeatTrayJesJokin,
The Chief Monk offers yo Sincere Condominiums and Sympatee in yo Hinternet Hinterruptions.
I worried bout Lord Ginge. He be Half Himalayan himself, so he tell me. Yesireebobtruedat.
Those Yankees and Barnabos and Sexy Packe should be friends. The Good Booke saith, Lub Yo Enemas (One Enema at a Time).
I worried bout Lord Ginge, MizMeatTrayjesjokin.
Dear The Chief Monk,
Thank you for the soothing words re my Hinternet Hinterruptions.
I worried about EVERYTHING!
KJ.
December 13th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
KJ,
You have me A-ruminatin’.
I remember satanding in the assembly quadrangle of Sister Mary, Mary and all of her cohorts.
KJ, without the word of ah lie I was a A-vertin’ mah eyes.
(A-’vertin’ usually had the effect of suppressing laughter when one of the Mary Marys espoused something sooooo weird ’twas hard to keep a straight face).
A-’vertin’ on this occasion backfired. The MMs were going on about ‘girls being blessed with a VOCATION’.
LIKE HELL!!! I said loudly (A-vertin’ mah eyes to mah polished leather shoes….)
The Mother of Marys screamed: ‘Get to mah office.’
(Happy to oblige – out of burning sun!)
The strip search revealed nothing but a bit of ‘chewie’ stuck to mah left shoe.
*ENNN-JOYED ‘Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind’.
HMITN.
Dear HMITN,
Insolence AND ‘chewie’. In mah ex-per-I- ence, an infuriatin’ combo for nuns if ever there was one. Lucky you got out of that office A-LIVE! KJ.
December 13th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
The Rev Kev,
Mighty disturbing that once again you are accused of abusing your staff in a car.
Cannot these ignoramuses realize that you are not only fluent in Cantonese and Mandarin, but also in FRIESIAN.
Most of the ‘naughty’ words in English are actually FRIESIAN.
Doubt me? Then look it up in wiki and effing elsewhere.
Now those Danes know a bit of Friesian too, so we wish you well in your effing pilgrimage.
Watch out for ghosts of Grandad on the Balcony and young girls floating down the river. Otherwise you can real Ham-let it up.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/12/13/2770126.htm
Dear The Dude,
Yes. Disturbing to say the least! High blood pressure, enlarged prostates, hives…..we can all sympathise with world leaders who continue to fulfil their demanding duties with any one (or more) of these common afflictions.
BUT….a Prime Minister with Tourette’s Syndrome?
Effing unsustainable….
KJ.
December 13th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
As Leeton’s sole fire engine rolled down the highway I looked back.
Young Jim and his Mature Love were sitting with their picnic basket by the dry watercourse. The Cold Duck bottle was as empty as the Irrigation Area.
They were holding hands. How long would it last? Ten years? Forever?
Would he come home one day to find only a silk umbrella left? Ah, but they have the NOW. That’s all we ever have…
Jim is going to be a fine Script Writer. He has learned that Lust, War, and Racial Hatred capture the audience, but Love and Bushell’s Tea will always triumph.
He loved her as a Sister, BUT ALSO NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN! Jim told her.
She said we’ll see ten years from now, but we have TODAY.
On the back of the fire truck the pair could see the characters from The Territorial radio show waving…
The Immaculate Doctor, Nurse Ah Do Declare, Colonel Six Pack, The Preacher Man, Scarlett O’KJ holding her bottle of Green Yankee Water, and that devil may care Water Smuggler panache Rhett ‘Wet’ Bubbler who Does Not Give A Damm, My Dear…..
AND, of course, Barney Google, eyes a-poppin. He’s Half Him-a-layan you know, like me. DNA tests will show that. I got some samples when he was a-foamin in his speech.
Well, off to the Monasterie Al Gunda Gai. I feel a sudden rush of REALITY here.
My Darvish Dress is rather fetching.
I think they have a radio staton in Gundy. But I need a rest and a reunion with The Chief Monk, the apostle of love. I have taught him Danish, you know. Copenhagen needs his kind of ‘lubbin’.