Young Jim and his Mature Love were sitting with their picnic basket by the dry watercourse. The Cold Duck bottle was as empty as the Irrigation Area.

They were holding hands. How long would it last? Ten years? Forever?

Would he come home one day to find only a silk umbrella left? Ah, but they have the NOW. That’s all we ever have…

Jim is going to be a fine Script Writer. He has learned that Lust, War, and Racial Hatred capture the audience, but Love and Bushell’s Tea will always triumph.

He loved her as a Sister, BUT ALSO NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN! Jim told her.

She said we’ll see ten years from now, but we have TODAY.

On the back of the fire truck the pair could see the characters from The Territorial radio show waving…

The Immaculate Doctor, Nurse Ah Do Declare, Colonel Six Pack, The Preacher Man, Scarlett O’KJ holding her bottle of Green Yankee Water, and that devil may care Water Smuggler panache Rhett ‘Wet’ Bubbler who Does Not Give A Damm, My Dear…..

AND, of course, Barney Google, eyes a-poppin. He’s Half Him-a-layan you know, like me. DNA tests will show that. I got some samples when he was a-foamin in his speech.

Well, off to the Monasterie Al Gunda Gai. I feel a sudden rush of REALITY here.

My Darvish Dress is rather fetching.

I think they have a radio staton in Gundy. But I need a rest and a reunion with The Chief Monk, the apostle of love. I have taught him Danish, you know. Copenhagen needs his kind of ‘lubbin’.

Cannot these ignoramuses realize that you are not only fluent in Cantonese and Mandarin, but also in FRIESIAN.

Most of the ‘naughty’ words in English are actually FRIESIAN.

Doubt me? Then look it up in wiki and effing elsewhere.

Now those Danes know a bit of Friesian too, so we wish you well in your effing pilgrimage.

Watch out for ghosts of Grandad on the Balcony and young girls floating down the river. Otherwise you can real Ham-let it up.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/12/13/2770126.htm

Dear The Dude,

KJ.

You have me A-ruminatin’.

I remember satanding in the assembly quadrangle of Sister Mary, Mary and all of her cohorts.

KJ, without the word of ah lie I was a A-vertin’ mah eyes.

(A-’vertin’ usually had the effect of suppressing laughter when one of the Mary Marys espoused something sooooo weird ’twas hard to keep a straight face).

A-’vertin’ on this occasion backfired. The MMs were going on about ‘girls being blessed with a VOCATION’.

LIKE HELL!!! I said loudly (A-vertin’ mah eyes to mah polished leather shoes….)

The Mother of Marys screamed: ‘Get to mah office.’

(Happy to oblige – out of burning sun!)

The strip search revealed nothing but a bit of ‘chewie’ stuck to mah left shoe.

*ENNN-JOYED ‘Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind’.

HMITN.

Dear HMITN,

Insolence AND ‘chewie’. In mah ex-per-I- ence, an infuriatin’ combo for nuns if ever there was one. Lucky you got out of that office A-LIVE! KJ.

The Chief Monk offers yo Sincere Condominiums and Sympatee in yo Hinternet Hinterruptions.

I worried bout Lord Ginge. He be Half Himalayan himself, so he tell me. Yesireebobtruedat.

Those Yankees and Barnabos and Sexy Packe should be friends. The Good Booke saith, Lub Yo Enemas (One Enema at a Time).

I worried bout Lord Ginge, MizMeatTrayjesjokin.

Dear The Chief Monk,
Thank you for the soothing words re my Hinternet Hinterruptions.
I worried about EVERYTHING!
KJ.

This here is no doubt a plot by the Him-a-layans. They’s got disgustin technical notions. Yesirree. And those Green Yankees on the ABC, those co-labborators, are jest a-sittin’ an A-Vertin’ their Eyes.

Mah eyes are so A-POPPIN’ at the moment. Ah got to see an Ophthalmologist, which is a fancy Green Yankee name fer Eye Doctor.

Ef yo want WAR, then bring it ON!

Heaven… I’m in Geek Heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak…..
Because I finally found Mister Heroic Mumbai Geek,
Now we’re out together,
Dancing cheek to cheek.

Heaven… I’m in heaven,
And the cares that hung around me through the week,
Seem to vanish like a gambler’s lucky streak,
When we’re cell phoning cheek to cheek.

Oh, I love to climb a mountain,
And to reach the highest peak,
But it doesn’t thrill me half as much….
As finding Mr Heroic Mumbai Geek.

Oh, I love to go out fishing,
In a river or a creek….
But I don’t enjoy it half as much,
As finding Mister Heroic Mumbai Geek.

Dance with me!

I want my arms about you.
The charms about you…
Will carry me through to… Mubai Heaven….

It’s heaven, our Geek Heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak…

And I seem to find the happiness I seek,
When the Kumars are together dancing cheek to cheek……

It is worth quotin’ verbatim:

More score years than ah kin count our forefathers settled their posteriors in this fair land of the Riverina….

Mah own Daddy used ter tell me:

Why we was here: let’s see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven eight, nine, ten….LOTS. Then HEAPS.
Daddy was one of a long line of ‘countants. He knew how many beans make five. Over ten, he knowed there was LOTS. He was a PROUD ‘Rina Rebel.

We ‘Rina Rebels don’t take nothin’ lyin’ down.

Ah know we now has a Himalayan High School heah. But nevah forgit…..

Ah know Green Yankees have settled here. But I tell you one thing:

THEY CAINT LIVE WITHOUT WATER AND WE CAN.

MY GRANDADDY LIVED WITHOUT WATER AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM, THIS IS AN IRRIGATIN’ AREA WITHOUT WATER AND SO GOD HATH COMMANDED. AMEN.

WE STILL GOT THE LEVEE WITHOUT WATER.

AH KNOW THE DAMN GREEN YANKEES LIVIN HEAH ARE SPREADIN’ LIES ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TA HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE.

WHY SOME OF EM HAVE FORMED THE LEETON SURF LIFESAVERS CLUB AND OCEAN GOING YACHT CLUB.

WHEN AH SEE PORPOISES AND SHARKS GOIN DOWN ACACIA AVENOO THEN AH SHALL BELIEVE EM.

Barney Google’s eye-poppin’ oratory was followed by a wreath-layin’ ceremony outside the Hill of Memory outside the local Fish Shop.

The Hill was originally created by a Green Yankee agent, Mister G.I.N. German (see earlier Archives) during a visit to Leeton where the scoundrel slept in Acacia Trees.

The tree in which the scoundrel slept has since been destroyed. He has been declared Enemy of Leeton.

Recreation activity afterwards included a Six Pack competition among young Leeton manhood and the selection of The Leeton Lady with the Most A-Vertin’ Eyes.

Rest A-sured ah will be doin’ everythun’ in mah power to make sure it doesn’t happen agin.

What a tryin’ time of the year….

KJ (nervy).

Tin Tara, the stately red gum mansion is gone too, but there is a statue of the Rebel Girl, with the inscription AH AINT NEVER GONNA BE THIRSTY AGAIN!

There is a waterless drinking fountain in the centre of town in honour of Rhett “Wet” Bubbler, the Green Yankee Water Smuggler.

It is still the Irrigation Area Without Water.

Film crews use it for Moon Locations.

Young couples drive out to the Dry Levee for Romance.

A branch of the Ah Do De Clares live in a shack on the edge of town.

Smouldering beneath respectability, however, is the spirit of the Rebel, Barney Google.

They can take away our water, but not our Freedom.

There is an annual Bare Chest Parade of young men.

Young ladies still A-Vert their Eyes.

There is a new Himalayan High School, but it is heavily guarded.

Old rebel artillery still point northward towards the Enemy in Canberry….

LIFE GOES ONE….

Voice: This is the end of Civilization As We Know It.

Second Voice: Virgil Drain is Mah Name. This is the wust thing sence they Drove Ole Nixon Down.

Voice of Scarlett O’KJ: Ah is a fulfilled WOMAN. AH LOVES YA RHETT ‘WET’ BUBBLER!

Rhett: Quite frankly mah dear ah do not give a possum’s left testicle. I do not GIVE A DAMN.

Scarlett: Oh, Wet, Wet, Wet, Ah loves ya. SO LONG AS AH LIVE AM AM NEVER GONNA BE THIRSTY AGEN!

Massed voices of Himalayans: Youse can come and live in the Himalayas Scarlett O’KJ. Wees will treat ya right….

Voice of Colonel Ab Doman: OVER MAH DEAD BODEE…..what’s in those bottles?

Himalayans: You guess.

Ab Doman: Twinings?

Himalayas: No.

AD: English Breakfast?

Himalayans: No.

AD: Dilmah?

Himalayans: No. PETROLEUM. Got a match? Burn, burn, burn. Let nothing of this sinful place be left.

(A small dark figure slips down a laneway amidst the smoke accompanied by the radio station guard dog)

Please turn in again real soon because ‘Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind hasn’t quite finish.

*Emissions Moving Picture Productions.