Sect Infiltrates Good Leeton Family!
Made it! I’m safe and well after Australia’s most dangerous (by far) 48-hour period, Christmas and Boxing Days.
And Gwennie has just issued her traditional December 27th orders: Everyone just settle down now…..just settle.
Still, it gives me great pleasure to quote one of our Christmas attendees:
‘It was good this year, nothing went wrong.’
May I suggest though that ‘nothing went wrong’ because the more mature members of the family kept calm NO MATTER WHAT THE PROVOCATION.
Would you believe there’s a small, vocal sect operating within my family that votes National Party? How that happened when the biggest crop we’ve ever produced is two lousy petunias and a handful of chives I’ll NEVER know.
Traditional Sect Fare.
(cr: goodrob13:flickr)
Gwennie is equally perplexed:Â It’s not as if they didn’t have a good start in life, it’s not as if idiocy runs in the family…
Anyway, our National Party sect members were very upbeat about recent events in Canberra: Colonel Ab Doman and Barney Google are in business so watch out!Â
Gwennie (who’s now so deaf we’re communicating with Scrabble tiles):
What are those crazy NATS on about…..just what are they sayin’ NOW…..?
‘THEY ARE SAYING THAT WITH THE CHANGING OF THEIR SECT’SÂ GUARD WE’D ALL BETTER WATCH OUT!!!’
Gwennie looks at our sect members STRAIGHT on: It’s NOT as if idiocy runs in the family…..
Silence. Similar cycle repeated in 10 minutes and every 10 minutes thereafter.
*I must say that Leeton’s been very quiet since good rain fell on Christmas eve. There’s nothing to whinge about.
However, many National Party sect members are SO programmed they remain on whinge cruise control. In churches and at Woolies you still hear:
If it doesn’t rain soon, we’ll have to eat the children. It’s THAT bad…Â
Acquaintance:Â But Kevin, it HAS rained.
Kevin: It’s just gotta rain or I’ll go stark raving mad (again).
Acquaintance: See ya Kevin. And you and Trish enjoy that round-the-world trip EVERYONE knows is compliments of drought assistance…..
That’s it for now. Off to have a little lie down. Hang on. Forgot to tell you. Everybody VERY surprised when a newborn turned up this Christmas. First baby in our family for 30 years BREAKING what I thought was a tacit agreement: NO more procreation/ NO more trouble. Oh well, at least someone’s flying the flag for a sensual life…..
**So as we zoom towards another year, hope everything’s okay in your neck of the woods. Report in if you feel up to it – of course ya do!!
 All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
December 27th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Much adjustment needed here.
1.We are a nation of blamers. (If it was not for…..we’d be gettin rain).
2.We are a nation of whingers (If it had rained I would NOT be on my third drink driving conviction).
3.We cannot deal with cultural or physical change (What do we do now we have an Irrigation Area WITH some water?).
4.We are a suspicious breed. (I think those Indonesians or Himalayans sent down this rain to us …what are they UP TO?)
5. We are politically and religiously gullible. (I think it’s because The Rev Kev went back to Mass for Mary Mac…the Queen’s Message said it all…Tony Six Pack brought the Truth AND the Rain…).
THE TRUTH IS:
God was amused and sent the rain. John O’Brien would have been appreciative. But the Hanrahans will always be with us.
(Henry Lawson, Leeton’s most famous sojurner might have had a hand in it).
Dear Chadwick,
We had MORE rain overnight. Drought assistance threatened. Terrible uncertainty. KJ.
December 27th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Came Downstairs As An Act Of Courage:
Read the story about the Nats and Gwennie BUT I have a question:
What happened to Chevvy Chase this Christmas?
Back upstairs to the man-eatin’ doona.
If anyone can help The Knuckle out re Chevvy contact him directly. KJ.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I saw in The Irrigator a month or two ago that Leeton hosted a big function for the 90th anniversary of the Country party, and a local political identity/estate agent/serial letter to the editor writer/busybody described the Nationals as being like a family.
I too have always thought the Country Party resembled a family – the Clampett family.
Dear Roma Street,
Ah am waitin’ for oil to gush outta the ground in backyard of the Clampett wing of mah family. ONLY then can we talk….KJ.
December 27th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
The synapses are in overdrive:
Now that Leeton has water for its Fire Brigade, I think it is time we built a giant straw goat in honour of Swedish members of the Leeton community (did you know KJ is Swedish-Himalayan?)
There will be plenty of straw for the Gävle Goat Festival.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G%C3%A4vle_goat
December 28th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
She was tall enough. Tall enough so if I had cared to I could have bent just a little and brushed those glossy lips which were as inviting as a cut price petrol sign at Christmas at Bong Bong..
I did not succumb as the odour of Jimmy the Bean might have been off-puttng with such a dame.
Of all the flea bitten, rundown, smelly and cigar-ridden private detective agencies, she had to wander into this joint with her swinky hips, short skirt and pseudo-posh ABC-trained voice.
Barlowe, private dick, at your service, baby, pushing back my fedora for a closer look. And make it snappy or you’re out of here quicker than a The Rev Kev apology.
She trained those blue peepers on me on me like a kangaroo shooter’s spotlights.
Don’t get fresh with me. I am here on a SERIOUS MATTER.
Make it quick baby, or you’re out of here faster than an Opposition Leader removing his shirt.
Honey, you know I love men when they are angry (the babe said, stroking my shirt). I am here on a CASE!
Which is?
THE LEETON PRAWN CUTLET BANDIT.
And so?
I THINK HE KILLED MY HUSBAND.
This was going to be a hard nut to crack. I belted down a JB, lit a cigarette: Was he insured?
You betcha!
STICK WITH ME BABY AND YOU’LL WEAR DIAMONDS, I said, watching her uncurl the pair of legs that dreams are made of.
To be continued…
December 28th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Felicitations KJ!
I recall a particularly unpleasant infiltration during my college years.
I had finally been granted campus residential space.
There were half a dozen blocks – the top ones ‘A’, ‘B’ & ‘C’.
That’s where the do-gooders and God Squadders resided.
Bottom blocks – bottom end of the alphabet. Gradually and oh so insidiously there was a change of student population and habits in the bottom blocks….
Some say it was the dean’s way of regaining control on campus.
Others just say the Catholic Church was closer to ‘W’ Block.
Never mind…come time for all long term ‘W’ residents to be kicked off campus, true colours and inclinations became known. Many a dull student was rewarded by particularly high grades before returning to the top campus area.
Dear Megsy,
Graft? Corruption? Religion? Education? Well, I never!!! (The Nats will JUMP on this!) KJ.
December 28th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
When my wife cut the car keys,
At the friendly Mitre Ten,
I knew I’d not be goin’ anywhere…
And I can’t get the pension,
And I’m feelin’ like a jerk,
Cos those car keys,
(Cut at Mitre Ten)
Still DON’T bloody work…
I just sit here thinkin’,
Cos I’m under house arrrest,
And the Enn Arr Emm Ay’s too busy,
(I think I’ll just have another little rest).
December 29th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Luigi cringed as I walked into Fantasy Seafoods.
It must have been the heater bulging in my trenchcoat as I gave my order.
Twenty prawn cutlets to go, and make it snappy, fella, I told him.
When they arrived I pulled out my wallet and Biretta and placed them on the counter.
There’s a Big C note in it if you can spill the beans on who is the Prawn Prince of Leeton….
He cowered against the back wall.
I ain’t squealin, no way…. (he said).
Listen, pal, unless you start singin’ your life won’t be worth a hill of beans, no sir!
Luigi, after I offered him a gun barrel in the kisser fessed up that I’d find Mr Big of Prawns in Griffith.
I tossed him the C-note and walked out. He was a very scared palooka.
At the door, I said:
ONE MORE THING, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRAWN CUTLET BANDIT?
Luigi sobbed.
No. No. No. I KNOW NOTHIN.
To be continued….
December 29th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Bletchley Memoir
Like mad Captain Ahab’s obsession with Moby Dick we were obsessed with the destruction of Bismarck, and our cracking of the naval code played its part.
However, like Ahab, we paid a terrible price…..
Our undercover operations led us to the discovery of the hoard of Jugend Pharma – the youth drug which the Fuehrer intended to use for his elite so that they would remain youthful for the entirety of his Tausendjahre Reich.
It is now seventy years since the War began.
Those of us who plundered the pharmaceutical treasures of the Fuehrer live on, like the famous portrait of Beatrice Cenci, the tragic beauty who portrays both beauty, aristocracy, patricide and innocence and corruption.
…….Like Hawthorne, Melville and Shelley we are prisoners of our past.
The vial sits on the table awaiting the New Year.
Should I take it, or join the rest of us in blessed mortality? Remain the shadowy teller of tales who is convinced that one day he will meet a youthful Schickelgruber in K-Mart?
If so, he shall find that the pharmaceutical is no antidote to the dagger.
I must go on. I shall take the dose and continue…….
December 29th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
I piled the Five Super Puppies into my decrepit Peugot.
They are trained Prawn Cutlet detectors, due to a sojourn in the home of Gwennie, mother of kerriejean, the internationally famous crime reporter.
Miss KJ is also an aficionado of Prawn Cutlet and Crime, but also suffers from a severe skin allergy caused by peeling prawns which has made her locally socially unacceptable.
Her book, Crime Prawn Cutlet Crimes of the Century is available through yahoo books.
Bong Bong, here we come!
To be continued..
December 30th, 2009 at 3:14 am
I bought twenty prawn cutlets and returned to the stinking, decrepit office.
In she came, a dream on two legs.
What’s doing, big boy, she said.
We found the culprit, I said.
It’s a CLOSE BLOOD RELATIVE.
She uncurled her lovely legs like two beautiful pythons looking for a victim.
So?
Your brother!
I LOVE HIM (she said) But not as a Brother BUT AS A MAN!
To be continued.
December 31st, 2009 at 12:57 am
I offered Paddy the youth drug, but she was too smart.
http://www.smh.com.au/national/obituaries/tory-doyenne-was-the-very-model-of-miss-moneypenny-20091229-lir2.html
December 31st, 2009 at 8:43 am
As 2009 crawls to a close…….
Take it (The Youth Drug) Lord Ginge, TAKE IT!
Any to share around?
Dear Megsy,
Whenever I’m in Leeton, I look younger EVERY day. Locals say it’s airborne salinity – constant natural exfoliant….KJ.
December 31st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I’m suprised there where sect members in town, they are normally in their holiday home on the coast.
Dear Muza,
You know TOO much – far too much. I am nervous. KJ.
January 1st, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Yes, you read it here first – the Try Do Phenomenon.
Berlusconi is now penning love songs.
Some men never get over it !
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/01/2783740.htm
January 1st, 2010 at 11:09 pm
Coming titles from Berlusconi include songs titled ‘There Is Love’, ‘But If I Lose You’ and ‘Stay With Me’.
NOTHING about Capistrano or swallows.
Try Do has already assured us: I good girl. I Try Do.
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:31 pm
In Sicily we have many similar problems.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/02/2784129.htm
Inspector Montalbano,
You may be interested to know that Leeton is also plagued by this problem. There is apparently NO hope for resolution thereof. KJ.
January 2nd, 2010 at 5:30 pm
I guess you think you are pretty tough, big boy I told the Prawn Prince of Griffith. But you ain’t tough enough to deal with Barlowe, private eye. Capice?
I fired a shot from my buretta into his piranha aquarium to make my point.
Now talk fast, Mister Big. What’s behind the Crustacean Caper?
You no come to see the Godfather of the Cutlet before this time, and now you come to me for my help? Where is the RESPECT?
Respect comes out of a biretta, pal. (I said).
I’ll be in touch.
To be continued….