Why Is KJ A-vertin’ Her Eyes?
*GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND
*Stop Press: Gone With The (Passing Of) Â Wind now showing in comments section.
You should be avertin’Â your eyes. (Cr: Rachellake: flickr)
Â
A Story of Romance, Civil War, Intrigue, Heroics and Defence of Southern Riverina Culture………
*You will GASP at the GALLANTRY!
*You will THRILL to the CLASH OF ARMS!
*You will EMBRACE the beauty of Scarlett O’KJ, the Leeton Belle!
*Lovely Melanie, dainty damsel of the South, will STEAL YOUR HEART!
*Captain Rhett ‘Wet’ Bubbler - swashbuckling water pirate and smuggler of Australia’s only Dry Irrigation Area - WILL HAVE YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT WITH HIS DERRING-DO!
*Colonel Tony ‘Six Pack’ Ab Doman, muscular leader of men at arms, WILL MAKE ALL LADIES SWOON as he uses his People Skills to bring the Gentlemen of the Riverina into battle against the Green Yankees who BURNÂ GRONG GRONGÂ AND ENDANGER A THREATENED CIVILIZATION OF GENTLEMAN CALLERS.
*Sensitive Captain Ashley Turnbull – fighting for his life after falling in a skirmish - WILL CAPTURE THE HEART OF EVERY CARING WOMAN as veteran medical officer Dr Irville ‘Tea Bags’ Hewson tries to bring him back from oblivion.
*A Screenplay by G.I.N. German.
*Produced by Emissions Films.
*Stop Press: Gone With The (Passing Of) Â Wind now showing in comments section.
….Oh go ooooon nooow. YOU can still com-ment, oh yes yo cannnn……
******ALL correspondents just take a deep breath and  go for it!!
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore .
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Just read your script, KJ and found my heart a pumpin’ as if I’d just breasted the tape at the end of one of Tony Six Pack’s 75k runs. Like all great authors you know the secret of good writing is knowing what to leave out. In this case I think we’re talking sex.
Not that there’s anything wrong with sex, the danger is the kind of writing that’s just won Jonathan Littell the Bad Sex in Fiction Award, for, among other things, comparing a sexual climax to a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg.
Keep up the good work – you’ve got a tremendous cast – can’t wait for the cameras to rock n’roll.
Dear The Man In Red White And Blue (now, where you been?)
Why thank you Sir – you’re a real gentleman…..
Mr G.I.N German, of Emissions Moving Pictures, sent me the script: ain’t he just somethun’?
Now Sir, even though ah know you meant NOOOOO harm ah jes had to A-VERT my eyes when you started mentionin’ Mr Littell. Well, ah nevah!
Would ya like to play Mr Bubbler, The Swashbuckling Water Smuggler?
You gotta be over five foot tall, handskome, broooooodin’ and (Ah am A-vertin’ ma eyes) MIS-TERR-I-OUS!
Reeeeegards,
Miss Scarlett O’KJ.
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Hey G.I.N sounds like a great show. Are you taking requests for characters?
Why, HELLO honey bun…..
We surely are takin’ REE-quests….we surely aaare……
Jest who do ya wanna play sweetheart?
‘Cuse me – Just A-vertin’ my eyes, waitin’ for your answer….
Miss Scarlett O’KJ.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Young Jim was a troubled young man as he walked down the corridor of The Irrigator newspaper, turned left into its subsidiary broadcast studio, and patted the guard dog as it licked its balls, the only creature he knew that loved him.
For he had never known Woman.
In the darkened studio there came the hammering of an ancient Imperial typewriter upon which fluttered the spidery fingers of a small man, totally dressed in black. He looked up, just for a moment:
Ssssshhh! The synapses are in overdrive! I feel a sudden onset of reality.
Pages of scripted material surrounded the mysterious writer.
There (he said) arising and taking an elaborate bow.
I am G.I.N. German, a literary soldier of fortune who has come to enliven your Leeton daily radio audience, et vous, mon ami?
I am Jim. I am learning to write.
Magnifique! (He kissed him on both cheeks).
Take these to the actors. ( He thrust the pile of copy into his hands)
Then we shall have an Absinthe, nectar of the gods, and we shall talk of love, life and the onset of reality.
Jim took the scripts into the broadcast room. He felt nervy.
To be continued.
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Mr G.I.N German Sir,
Ah doooo hope you don’t think ah am bein’ forward BUT:
…..DON’T go forgettin’ mentionin’ THE STATELY HOMES OF LEETON.
Thank you Sir,
Miss Scarlett O’KJ.
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:39 am
Ah tell you, AH TELL YOU, AH DO DECLARE: (said Gwennie) there’s somethun wrong with the water.
AH DO DECLARE: The tea’s NOT the same. AND…..there’s somethun wrong with the radio. ‘Portia Faces Life and Doctor Paul’ is NOT on…
There’s nothin’ but cracklin’……
… Hang on girls, there’s somethun happenin’……..
THIS MORNING DEAR LISTENERS TO RADIO IRRIGATOR WE BEGIN A BREATH-TAKING CHAPTER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WIRELESS.
REALITY STRIKES HOME AS WE BEGIN GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND: A TALE OF LOVE, LUST AND PATRIOTISM, STARRING SCARLETT O’KJ, THE LEETON BELLE!…..
STAY TUNED… AND TUNE INTO AGAIN TOMORROW…
Well (said Gwennie) that’s better. Bushells……..or Bushells…..?
TO BE CONTINUED……
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Dear KJ,
Mr G.I.N German needs me.
I will play ANY O’Tartlett – even a cameo! – IF your new manager will be my opposite.
Oooooo Baby……..
Fanny.
Miss Fanny,
Shame on you…..SHAME……
Ah ain’t nevah comes across such AU-DAAAC-I-TEE….
Ah am A-vertin’ my eyes!
Miss Scarlett O’KJ.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Jim, Tell the actors to relax (said The Script Writer) as he poured the spirit through a sugar cube, lighted it and then poured the Absinthe into the glass before stirring it and adding water so that it clouded into a milk-like mixture.
If they have to masturbate beforehand, so be it.
But what of the Script?
It’s just a story. But it has to flow certain Principles.
Such as?
A votre sante, mon ami.
Kurt knew all about it. He taught me.
Kurt?
Vonnegut. He said :
1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
Jim felt nervy.
To be continued.
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Shush girls (said Gwennie) it’s startin’.
TURN IT UP….
To be continued.
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:29 pm
KJ,
My semantics must need upgrading.
Luvvie, I meant that Miss Fanny would play the lead and JIMMY TAKE THE CAMEO.
Tell Mr G.I.N German I have directed my agent to draw up a contract with a NO Self-Pleasurin’ Clause.
Still love ya.
Fanny.
Miss Fanny,
Ah like a perky girl – but this is jes toooo much….TOOOOOO MUCH!
Ah am gonna go out to the coool of the VEE-ran-derah and sit A-while on Grannie’s rocker – and ask the good Lord to fooorgive yo for utterin’ THOSE words……
Scarlett O’KJ.
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
The giant River Red Gum staircase of Tin Tara, the ancestral Tea Plantation home in LEETON – made from timber when the district once had rivers and trees – unwound beneath the pretty feet of Scarlett O’KJ, her bright mouth slashed across the pale Southern beauty of her face as she called out:
Ah do not care, Sir, but as long as ah live, AH AM NEVAH GONNA BE EVER THIRSTY AGIN!
Rhett ‘Wet’ Bubbler turned, his white even teeth flashing beneath his cavalier moustache:
As a water smuggler, ma’am, quite frankly ah don’t give a bandicoot’s claw, ah do not give a damn.
He slammed the door on the proud Southern Riverina Beauty and gazed on the cream of Southern gentlemen from The COAL- ition Confederacy, ‘The Coalers’, sipping peach juleps and practising their arms.
In the centre stood Colonel Tony ‘Six Pack’ Ab Doman, a hairy-chested officer stripped to the waist, waving his sabre.
Kindly A-vert yer eyes, Miss Melanie…..said the Colonel.
That way lays TEMPTATION.
Ah know, Ah know…but SIX IS MAH FAVORITE NUMBER.
Kindly hand me my operie glasses…..said Boronia, the Dowager.
Let me tell you directly, Miss Melanie, THAT man is a Budgie Smuggler.
Yo be careful, now, Mizzy…..
To be continued.
December 4th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Miss Scarlett O’KJ…..
Ah am HYPER-VEN-TIL-ATIN!
… Gone is my copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary … ah am all OVER BRIDGE…..
Ah want the real story as told by THE Master, Mr G.I.N German, in Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind.
Please Sir, can ah have some more?
Mizzy Marry Me,
Yo will do yourself an IN-JUR-EEE gettin’ sooooo worked up…..
Kindly A-vert your eyes….
Miss Scarlett O’KJ.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Miz Melly for me.
Doesn’t she just swoon?
Dear Mizzy Megsy,
Mizzy Melanie does FAR MORE than jes stand there lookin’ perdy and swoonin’.
She also makes the best rice and mo-lasses balls in Leeton – and that’s a fact…..
Mizzy Megsy, ah do believe you’d make a FINE Mizzy Melanie……
Miss Scarlett O’KJ.
December 5th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Senator Barney Google’s eye-poppin’ oration had the Southern Gen’men officers of the Coal Confederation of Leeton quiverin’ with emotion.
Colonel Ab Doman was strummin’ his six pack to the toon of a fife while ALL ladies kindly A-verted their eyes.
Said Google:
Ef yo want WAR, bring et ON. We ready for ya!
As fer Penny Dances With Woks, we aint even half-afraid. NO-SIR-EEEEE-BOB!
Nor of that white-faced po faced little Napoleon in Canberry.
Science don’t stand still!
Ef that were so then Copernicus would be daid! Oh, he is daid? Well, then he’d a-bin MURDERED!
I heered this morning that the Nepalese is meetin’ at Everest…
They say the Himalayas is meltin’. THEY keep Arctic rats which occasionally devour one of their chillun. DISGUSTIN! DISGUSTIN’
Ah will believe their rubbish when a Polar Bear walks down Acacia Avenoo.
Is yo with me, Colonel Ab Doman, suh?
*Ab Doman stopped strumming and stripped down to his briefs.
Ah am an unsham-ed Riverina Budgie Smuggler, like mah daddy before me.
They never gonna drive ole Dixie down.
Ah thenk we should go down to the Buy-Lecksion in Higgins an kick their butts all the way back to Canberry, those Green Yankees.
We don’t want their TAXES, their WATER. My granddaddy ate coal for breakfast, lunch and dinner WITHOUT WATER. Yessir!
The officers milled around in their grey greatcoats on the brown grass knoll of Lorne Greene Reserve – 0.5 m beneath saline level.
Breng it ON! They cheered Barney Google.
The ladies watchin’ were hyper ventilatin’.
Said the Dowager Boronia:
Ah do declare. I ain’t been so exhilarated, pan caked and postulated since I was watching a young male servant sweatin’ at the dry water pump, his muscles a-coilin’ like buggy springs. Thet were when I was a young un’.
Kindly pass me my opery glasses..
Said Senator Google, his eyes a-poppin’ like ping pong balls:
Ef yo want WAR, bring it on!
December 5th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Came Downstairs As An Act Of Courage,
Read Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind.
Back upstairs to the man-eatin’ doona BEFORE the gunfight starts….
Mr The Knuckle,
Folks that go runnin’ scaarred can git a hard tiiime round here, A VEEERY hard tiiime…..KJ.
December 5th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Said Gwennie:
There’s something about that Scarlett girl that is familiar.
Why is she always talking about being thirsty?
We always have enough water for a cuppa.
December 5th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
LOOK AWAY LEETON GALS
Way down South in the Riverina
Pop-eye Barney is a screamin’..
Look away, look away,
Look away, Leeton gals.
Barney Google is a hurtin’….
Miss Melanie?
Her ladylike eyes avertin’…
Look away, look away
Look away, Leeton gals……
December 5th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
The Yankee White House, Sydney
I jest don’t know why people cannot JUST BE NICE, said the new President, Puppetina Cuddelina.
I mean why do they always have to be in the RIGHT?
Right! (said the Dogelino Bros) Let’s do lunch.
Said Puppetina. Nate fell in battle, I do hope he’s going to be ALL RIGHT. I SHALL HAVE TO PRAY FOR HIM.
Right!
People should JUST BE NICE. Ah mean ah do not complain about all of these strings.
Right! Let’s do Lunch!
December 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am
You know I love her, Father, BUT NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN…..
The Leeton Mayor and Governor walked with his son to the Weddin’ of the Year of the twin sister to where that son of the gun Coal-ition Confederate, Colonel Tony Six Pack, or Colonel Ab Doman, had stopped drumming his stomach muscles and was practising in his briefs sabre thrusts.
Mayor: I want you to tell my son about Love and Women.
Son: I LOVE HER FATHER. I DO. I DO. BUT NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN….
Mayor: Shut up son. Talk to him please Colonel Ab Doman…
Colonel Ab Doman: Women? They is adorable receptacles.
Son: What about a Secret Love, Colonel?
We’s all got sicritts son. Ah got plenty.
Such as?
From when ah was in holy orders, suh.
And?
Ah know that one day there’s gonna be a knock on the door. And a handsome young Leeton man is gonna say: ‘ Ah found ya, Daddy.’
(Colonel Ab’s stomach muscles gave a jerk of emotion).
And, you will say?
You got lotsa brothers and sisters – no rub-ber ever darkened mah door.
TUNE IN REAL SOON FOR THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF GONE WITH THE (PASSING OF) WIND.
December 6th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Quick, said Gwennie. It’s ON AGAIN.
December 6th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Miss KJ,
‘Gone With (The Passing) Of Wind’ – Mr G.I.N German – must have studied at same Dramatical Institution as myself. I majored in Tragedy 1, 2 and 3 – all Distinctions.
The Kurt V Technique remains basically intact: however we must accept that some things are fluid Man …
Plot: Push comes to Shove.
Script: Free Fall/impromptu (sometimes referred to as The Constitution).
Critique: Seen it all before.
That’s a wrap.
SD.
Dear The Spin Doctor,
Welcome! Ah will pass on your details to Mr G.I.N German of Emissions Moving Pictures. He loves to meet up with A-lumni.
Miss Scarlett O’ KJ.
December 6th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Future generations will want to visit the stately homes, places of worship and battlefields described in the sprawling masterpiece that is ‘Gone With The (Passing Of) Wind’.
Maps please.
Dear The Dude,
Mr G.I.N German – of Emissions Moving Pictures – says he OP-PER-ATES STRICTLY IN ‘THE NOW….’ Miss Scarlett O’KJ.