Farewell My Lovely Leeton
Just a quick little missive to let you know that by the time you read this I’ll be at a roadhouse somewhere between Leeton and Sydney, tucking into a couple of Chicko Rolls and a can of diet Lift.
I’ll provide a full report on the state of rural Australia in the next couple of days……
Enough to say at this point I leave Leeton with my traditional nine extra kilos and something new……niggling frustration threatening to cross the dangerous line into white hot anger.
Be careful KJ……
White hot anger + current carport temperature of 43 degrees = complete mental breakdown.
The thing is that this hometown sojourn was to mark the culmination of an outrageously clever plan: THE plan which was to solve my NOT inconsiderable superannuation, sex and status problems in one go.
Easy……
Find a vulnerable elderly rice farmer widower. Listen long into the night while he went on and on about his water problems. Watch the sunrise together. Move in. Live together in something mimicking civility. Eventually bury farmer in an appropriate manner. Sell water allocation for zillions. Have a nice life.
But alas, it all came to nought…
How would you feel if you’d spent five hours every day for a month hanging around Rural Counselling Centres? Ready to jump on the first fella who smiled at ya? Ready to give drought relief freely and with a joyous heart….?
AND NO-ONE EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR PRESENCE!!!!
* By the way things weren’t helped when I told a couple of people who I respect a lot what happened. Responses were alarmingly consistent.
(a) You’ve left your run far too late to get a rice farmer (of any age) or (b) rice farmers (of any age) don’t want a town lady (of any age) with NO assets.
So that’s that. Next hols I’m targetting stock and station agents. They know a good job lot when they see one……..
THE GINGER MAN: THE RIVERINA PRAWN MEN ARE COMING!
crcr: Marco Veringo: flickr
Hot on the heels of the superb ‘The Crustacean Capers’ comes The Ginger Man’s ‘The Riverina Prawn Men Are Coming!’
How could it come to this….?
Towns threatened by Prawn Men Invasions? God-fearing folk morphing into king prawn cutlets? Modest people throwing off their garments and disporting themselves only in breadcrumbs…?
‘The Riverina Prawn Men are Coming!’ all this week in our comments section……
All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
Comment of the Week
January 11th, 2010 at 6:48 am
He had never been to Eton
But they stayed one night in Leeton
And he gave her a book marker
That belonged to Dorothy Parker.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/08/2788362.htm
January 11th, 2010 at 7:11 am
You know something, Doc?
I feel like a cup of coffee…..
Right around the clock.
http://www.smh.com.au/national/doctor-struck-off-for-prescribing-drugs-without-seeing-man-20100110-m0u3.html
January 11th, 2010 at 7:41 am
They offer me this doll,
Right purty, but I BAULK…….
Cos of its deficiency:
The bloody thing TALKS!
http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-technology/sex-robot-focuses-on-appealing-to-the-mind-20100111-m0xt.html
January 11th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Forget the rice farmer KJ, they haven’t had any money (that they admit to) for years.
Dear P,
First things first – welcome!
Secondly, I will NOT desist. There’s an unsuspecting rice farmer out there who is unaware that he is MY food bowl! KJ.
January 11th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
What sort of a year is this going to be for Virgos?
A friend of mind gave his wife a kiss goodbye at the airport…
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/08/2788134.htm
Another who was awfully lonely met a friendly chap called Fadwaan in Capetown……
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/11/2789384.htm
He loves his luxury sports car so he dropped it in for a tune-up……
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/07/2787603.htm
Guess I’ll have to settle for a little relaxing fishing…….
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/01/11/2789652.htm
Dear The Dude,
WOW! I can’t wait for my bosses to see this. This is what’s called USER-GENERATED CONTENT of the highest order! KJ.
January 12th, 2010 at 8:58 am
KJ what a great second honeymoon I’ve had…..
First I got to read Freedom and Death and then I followed it up with Christ Recrucified.
Have you read any Kazantzakis? According to my cousin, Kazantzakis is the Greek equivalent to Jane Austen. (Pandora you might like a read?)
Prawns are too rich for my taste and I rarely serve them – but then I very much like to swing a net at night over a misty river so my husband forgives the absent prawn amongst many other things.
Dear Greek and loving it,
I am sooooooo very thrilled to hear about your second honeymoon. Did you re-state your vows?
I have not read Mr Kazantzakis but Nana Mouskouri’s version of ‘Danny Boy’ always makes me cry – does that count? KJ.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Dear KJ,
I have a rather different Xmas story…………
I visited my mum.
I had a new hair do and colour, rather dark.
Raven and shiny with health…..
Previously dull blonde/mousy brown combo.
Mum – to my surprise – made no comment upon my arrival.
Day 2.
Watching the cricket.
Mum suddenly says:
Forgot to tell you I like your hair. Seeing the Pakistanis reminded me!
Dear Megsy,
I NEVER muck with my hair. *Men find a dull blonde/mousy brown combo unthreatening. KJ.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:15 am
The phone jingle-jangled again in Art’s Bar and Grill….
This joint is becoming about as restful as the New York Subway on a Monday morning. I need to ask Art to put on the Mahler vinyl on the juke.
For you, again Barlowe…..
Barlowe PI. Wassup?
The Ginger Man here, sorry to intervene while you are pouring libations to the gods of Bourbon, but something has come up.
Like what?
Like scores of humanoid, shell-less prawns massing on the shores of the lake and preparing to descend on Leeton.
Well, just drill ‘em.
But I haven’t carried a weapon since I ran guns in Ireland in the 1920s and in Berlin in the Last Show.
Take mine, then buddy, and send them off to Never Land.
Too many, I’m afraid.
Hold the fort, then Lord Ginge. I’ll just have to buy some ammo for the biretta, pal.
Right, Roger that. Wilco and out.
I put down the phone and turned to Art.
Another JB, and fast. I have a job to do. By the way, Art, you wouldn’t happen to have any garlic sauce?
Of course, Barlowe, straight from the bistro…..
Thanks, and make it snappy, old pal.
This could be a big one for Barlowe, PI, in Leeton NSW, now a town in need of my protection.
To be continued….
January 12th, 2010 at 11:27 am
Dear KJ
I awoke in the early hours sweating and fearful….
A voice very close to my ears was saying: CODE RED. CATASTROPHE.
It wasn’t T but an authoritative announcement coming from my new Digital Radio, which I have permanently tuned into ABC NEWS RADIO.
Seconds earlier I’d been in the middle of a terrible dream in which a roaring bushfire engulfed a suburban family home, and, as flames leapt from the bedroom windows, a muscular man appeared in the darkened doorway against a firey backdrop, clad in nought but the flimsiest of speedos, his rippling torso blackened by sooty smudges……in his powerful arms a beautiful young blonde, blue-eyed girl.
It’s Tony Six Pack, cried a hack from The Daily Terror, as cameras flashed, and another flack screamed into his I-phone:
HOLD THE FRONT PAGE.
Gosh, KJ thank goodness it was only a dream.
God Bless Australia,
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Gee, you better get back to work 24 hours a day ASAP. This is free floating anxiety at its corrosive worst. Mind you, when I dream of being rescued by a big, burly fireman it usually means I’m on top of my game…..KJ.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Geese, I just skirted past Leeton last week and if I knew world class Chicko Rolls were on offer I would have made a bee line!
I did see the rice paddys and it was hot and the plain was long… next time.
Dear Gus,
May I suggest that it’s a little insensitive to mention rice paddys at this juncture? This is (afterall) a girl trying to come to terms with yet another busted dream. KJ.
January 13th, 2010 at 9:10 am
Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten News update on strange events at a Lake in the Riverina….
Leeton Militia today took up stations around the shores of a small lake near the town amidst reports of an imminent invasion.
[Woman runs by]
Woman: They’re coming ! I tell you, they are COMING.
Blur: Who’s coming?
Woman: THE PRAWN MEN. They are horrible, and they don’t even speak English.
Blur: Please explain….
Woman: They do not speak at all, just make prawny squeaks.
Blur: What do these ‘Prawn Men’ look like?
Woman: Orangy, with stripes, long feelers, lots of legs and eyes on stalks, about seven metres tall.
Blur: Notice anything unusual about them?
Woman: No, just your average Prawn Humanoid Seeking Revenge.
Blur: This is Ralph Blur reporting for Channel Ten on the Coming of The Prawn Men.
To be continued.
January 13th, 2010 at 10:26 am
We should concerned about Climate Change. We need to watch our FUEL CONSUMPTION.
Question: How many crumbed king prawn cutlets per kilometre did it take for Kerrie Jean to travel from Leeton, Riverina NSW to Sydney ?
Was precious Leeton water consumed during this journey?
These are questions the Electorate wants answered.
Concerned Climatologist,
Six at Yass. No water – Diet Lift. KJ.
January 13th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
PRAWNASSIC PARK, THE RIVERINA….
Scene: A lonely road on a moonlit night. Between Leeton and Grong Grong. A sports coupe is parked and a young honeymoon couple are canoodling.
Young husband: I think it’s a petrol blockage.
Young bride (giggling):You said that on our first date.
YH (laughing): So I did. And it worked! (laughs again)
YB: The wedding was lovely. The flowers were gorgeous. Father Bill was so nice.
YH: Terrible loss to the gene pool that man. The prawn cutlets were nice.
YB: I’ve got some in the freezer for when we get home.
YH: Come here, you!
YB: Wait, THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!
[Prawn sounds: EEK, EEK, EEK !]
YH: Don’t be silly. It’s just the wind.
[More prawn sounds: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!]
YB: No, look over there!
[A giant Prawn figure appears with the Moon as a backdrop. It approaches the car and presses itself against the windscreen.]
YH: Look at those eyes, those feelers, those creepy legs. Without the breadcrumbs, they are HORRIBLE!
YB: Lots of sharp pointy bits too.
YH: THE RIVERINA PRAWN MEN ARE COMING ! Let’s get outa here!
[The car leaps forward and smashes the Prawn Man]
To be continued……
January 13th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten News update on the Invasion of the Prawn Men in the Riverina….
Emergency crews have released a young couple returning from their honeymoon after a nightmare experience near Leeton.
Their smashed sports car and its occupants were found to be covered with a white solution.
Forensic scientists have determined that it is a gigantic mixture of flour, eggs and breadcrumbs.
The couple have been too shocked to speak to reporters.
Ralph Blur for Channel Ten.
To be continued……..
January 14th, 2010 at 9:39 am
Vatican City.
A spokesman for the Holy See has declined to make direct comments upon the emergence of a humanoid crustacean rebellion in the Riverina district of Australia.
However, the spokesman said that genetic transmutation between humans and prawns was contrary to natural law.
He added that respect for all life on earth must be part of the human condition.
‘Being coated in egg, flour and breadcrumbs would not be our understanding of a dignified ending to our life, so it is understandable that our Prawn Cousins are in a state of rebellion,’ the spokesman said.
The Vatican Official noted that while Lenten observance included abstention from meat in favour of seafood, particularly on Fridays, such practice could be carried to excess.
‘We have had a disturbing report from Leeton, New South Wales, that one parishioner has for many months existed on a 100 per cent diet of crumbed prawn cutlets.
‘This has both ecological and theological consequences.’
He expected a reference to be made to the Australian crisis during the Pontiff’s address on Ash Wednesday, expressing concern at the incidence of Prawn Abuse.
To be continued…….
January 14th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Dear KJ,
You know what?
There’s definite signs the Silly Season is in full swing.
The other day I picked up a newspaper, which contained a feature: HOW TO RUN (The Rev has always found that putting one foot in front of the other is a good start – but if you really want to know about running, go and see Tony Six Pack – he never stops) and another one suggesting that shoppers taking advantage of the January Sales should try wearing their clothes after buying them.
(SORRY – I thought that was the whole point about buying clothes, but T says I’ve got a lot to learn about women – apparently they have their wardrobes stuffed with clothes they’ve NEVER worn! PLEASE EXPLAIN!).
But you know what?
What you’ve NOT been reading a lot about in the papers is stories on The Rev Kev – OK, I know there was a lovely SILLY SEASON story about KEVVIE FROM BRISSIE’S PUSSY.
Otherwise, you could be forgiven for thinking that The Rev Kev has joined the legions of Canberra public servants lazing away the summer in beach shacks around Bateman’s Bay……drinking champagne and suckin’ on king prawns.
Well, you’d be wrong, cos although you’ve not heard much from him – OKAY, there WAS that lovely shot of him in a pink Jane Mcgrath polo shirt doling out snags to the kiddies at the cricket – where are ya Bill Henson when there’s a TASTEFUL snap to be taken? – The Rev Kev is spendin’ a lotta time just THINKIN’.
And you know what – he’s thinkin’ up a shitstorm. No worries. The Rev Kev’s plans for 2010 will be even bigger than his STIMULATIN’ PACKAGE.
FAIR SUCK OF THE KING PRAWN!
Australia will have seen nothing like it!
The Rev Kev can say no more at this stage – waitin’ for the bloody public servants to get back to work to type all this up!
And by the end of 2010 they’ll sure need another holiday……
GOD BLESS AUSTRALIA,
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
My goodness! You really are worked up this morning……
You’d be pleased to know I’d never write a feature reminding women to WEAR their sale purchased garments. The far stronger angle is to make sure they TRY THEM ON before leaving the store. Currently, I’ve got 30 size eight sun dresses that Gwennie’s turning into one bloody big patchwork quilt.
….Another interesting ragtrade snippet. My local op-shop has a special rack with a sign on it: ‘These Items Worn On The Set Of Underbelly’. Now that T has gone down quite a few sizes why don’t you drop off her old wardrobe (great pic opportunity!) to a Canberra charity shop? The sign: ‘These Items Once Covered The Rev Kev’s wife’s Underbelly.’
Anyway, I hope I’ve helped you understand a little more about the feminine psyche……..by the way, if you’re ever thinking of buying a new pants suit for Julia G, I’m pretty sure she’s a 10 up top and a 12 below.
Have a good day, KJ.
January 14th, 2010 at 9:49 am
KJ don’t worry about the rice farmers. Just returned from a conference offshore and do I have a guy for you!
‘Tom of Finland’ is not only a Professor of Media Studies in a prestigious European University but also a passionate bareback rider!
I think the European weather is in our favour……
After returning from a ride in the forest recently ‘Tom of Finland’ was attached ‘frozen’ to his mount and had to be melted off with a hairdryer.
Should you and I perhaps get together on a linkage grant and get him to Australia before it’s too late?
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Yes, yes, YES! I love EVERYTHING about Scandinavia – flat pack furniture, pom poms on beanies, its fascinating deep sea prawning history……I even have experience of Finnish academia – having once come across a Professor whose life’s project is to translate the complete works of Elvis Presley into Latin. I am on the phone to Finnair while I write. Thank you, thank you! KJ.
January 14th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
A cautionary tale: a friend of mine at school had a dad who was known for (let’s say) the rugged individualism of his opinions…..
One afternoon, this man became embroiled in a spirited argument with his wife and family on the subject of the edibility of raw potatoes.
The family took the view that, as a foodstuff, raw potatoes fell somewhere in the eewww, gross to possibly poisonous range. The man took the firm view that not only were raw potatoes perfectly edible, they were in fact delicious, and better for you than cooked ones, because the cooking process removed all of their ‘goodness’.
That night, when the rest of the family sat down to roast lamb, Mr Rugged Individualism sat down to his own specially ordered repast – three raw potatoes, which he proceeded to eat, sans condiment, sans spice, sans flavour aid of any kind, with a knife and fork. At the end he pronounced the meal delicious.
That man was a rice farmer.
Dear Roma Street,
A friend of mine was once commissioned to write a feature article (for ‘Man Magazine’) on the ‘Virile’ diet. He recommended (without research) huge quantities of raw, grated potato followed by an 18 kilometre run. There were no reader complaints or recorded casualties. KJ.
January 14th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
This is Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten News Update from PRAWNASSIC PARK.
The capture of a flour mill at Narrandera near Leeton has plunged the Riverina region into turmoil.
The Riverina Prawn Men took the mill without contest and have erected a flour, eggs and breadcrumbs cannon aimed at Leeton.
Today I spoke with a defending officer, General G.I.N. German:
General German: In England such a situation would be serious, but never desperate. In my native Ireland, however, the situation is always desperate, but never serious. We have issued all ranks with anti-crumb and anti-flour vests and I have been told that they are very effective. A message has been intercepted where the enemy has sought a hostage in the person code-named KJ who is a notorious consumer of crumbed prawn cutlets, but it has been rejected.
Leeton will continue eatin’, and she will not be beaten…….
Blur: Thank you, General. Ralph Blur for Channel Ten News.
To be continued……
January 15th, 2010 at 7:11 am
Carnt help wondering where your friend Tony Six Pack is leading the Liberal party.
Saw the man on the Idiot Box last night frantically digging – he appeared to be trying to plant a tree.
Then he gabbled something about his Green Army. I’ll tell you now – it won’t bloody work. Thing is: it’s been tried before – you carnt get a Greenie into a uniform (they never fit – always got their arse out of their pants), and scientific tests have shown that yer average bloody Greenie just can’t march.
Nice try Tony – back to the drawing board.
The Old Carnt.
PS: Saddened by the passing of Errol’s last squeeze – Beverley Fisher (1943-2010).
On their first date, after dinner and sake he invited her onto ‘a bearskin rug’ – ah, a more innocent time, when men were men and women were interested – take note The Rev Kev and Capt Six Pack.
Dear The Old Carnt,
You may be interested to know that right up until the nineties Riverina gentlemen enjoying first dates oftened borrowed from Errol’s romantic repertoire – inviting young women onto sheepskin rugs in the back of panel vans.
* Don’t get yourself in a tizz about Capt Six Pack. This is an Opposition leader with the most potential since the Alexander D experiment. KJ.
January 15th, 2010 at 9:26 am
Like Hamlet once said, To be or what!
This sure is a tricky mess we got ourselves into here….
Can we defeat these crustacean critters?
Right now, no can do, kiddo…..
Sure I’ve got a few notions worth running up the flagpole to see if they flutter, but I have not been so plumb perplexed since that babe walked into my office on the Legs that Launched a Thousand Hips.
As for that broad KJ, well I guess she’s in some Betty Ford Clinic suffering from Prawn Withdrawal.
Guess I’ll have a JB and put on the Mahler. Both good for the spirit…..
To be continued…..
January 15th, 2010 at 10:01 am
I worried bout Lord Ginge. Yessir!
Ef yo think dat Prawnies going ta eat Mister Ginger, yo got nother think comin, yesirreebobtruedat.
I spin fra yo Lord Ginge all de way fra Al Gundagai Monasterie.
Yo tell da Prawnies de Good Booke saith Lub yo enemas one at a time.
Ef de Prawnies do de spin, start de libbin AND DE LUBBIN den dey GOOD.
To be continued…..
January 15th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
PRAWNSBERG ADDRESS
Generations of ANZAC yabby soldiers today look down upon you as you face the Prawn Invaders who would take away your freedoms.
Let us then go forth with courage and say:
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WITH CLAWS. WE ARE AUSSIE YABBIES AND WE CAN FIGHT.
I know that the struggle will be long and hard; the road ahead will be difficult.
Let me remind you, however, that on leave in Leeton during World War II, our soldiers ate not imported prawns but THE AUSTRALIAN NATIVE YABBY CAUGHT BY THEIR CHILDREN IN THE PONDS AND LAKES OF OUR BELOVED LAND.
Remember that our indigenous people (we honour them upon whose land we now swim) are behind us, and they will carry you in their dilly bags along the Murray, the Bidgee, through the waterless M.I.A Irrigation Area, past Leeton’s Walter Burley Griffin Water Towers (our strong-hold) and confront and defeat the ENEMY WHO ARE VERY WEAK AND VULNERABLE BECAUSE OF THEIR SALT ADDICTION.
Go forth, now, ANZAC yabbies, and be confident of victory…….
To be continued…….
January 15th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
Dear Greek and loving it,
Yes. I have read Kazantzakis. On these hot summer nights when I put down my beloved Jane Austen I imagine I am on a Greek isle, where lovely Sappho spun and sang.
I know that Mr Darcy would not take any cheek from Greek bouncers on Mykonos. He has a black belt in ludo, I think.
January 15th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
I tell you, I liked that dame….
She was real swell, but she spelled trouble with a Big Tee. I had to blow.
She and Mr Big, and her husband were behind this Leeton Prawn caper.
It was like Love Me or Leave Me starring Doris Day, whom I knew before she became a virgin. Doris’ husband, as your may well know, blew all of her dough before he shuffled off, and left her without a red cent. That dame played a loser from the Twenties, and became one herself. So, life’s tough. Barlowe and Doris, and Gustav Mahler, know that. We do not need The Gimp to tell us……
So I had to have a word with The Dame with the Legs That Launched a Thousand Hips.
It’s luncheon time for the lady prisoners, said the Matron. So please be brief.
OK ma’am, what’s on the menu?
Prawn Cutlets.
I should have guessed.
In she came. It was a moment lovelier than when the Swans won the Premiership, or Ruth hit his last homer.
How you doing, Barlowe?
I’m just swell, just swell.
No hard feelins?
No, sugar, not at all.
Still playing, what’s his name, Marlowe?
No, Mahler, baby, MAHLER.
Sure. You gonna get me out of here?
Sorry, sugar, No can do. You want to answer me one question before I blow? Such as, Did you notice anything missing after your husband went walkies?
Yes. The cat food was gone.
At last I had the answer to the Prawn Invasion.
It was time to get back on the Case.
To be continued……
January 16th, 2010 at 7:22 am
I pressed a Que Sera CD on the Matron and jumped into the Peugot.
If I could get there in time the whole megillah could be won……..
Otherwise we were as dead as yesterday’s donuts in Art’s Bar and Grill, Leeton.
To be continued……
January 16th, 2010 at 10:13 am
Came downstairs As An Act Of Courage…….
Found what appeared to be a brand new mattress in the street.
Got a trolley to transport same to my boudoir.
Was told by a passerby that it wasn’t a mattress but rather a bed base.
Devastating New Year news.
Tipped base back onto street.
Back to the man eatin’ doona – where the problems remain. Namely, a piece of wire projecting precisely when my bum rests.
Dear The Knuckle,
Projecting + wire + mattress = DISASTER of a very personal nature. Be careful, KJ.
January 16th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
‘Welcome, Barlowe, to the Officers’ Mess, Defence HQ,’ said General G.I.N. German, MC. ‘I recommend the sausages ordinaire and the Absinthe au Maison….’
‘Thanks pal, you’re real swell. What’s the drill?’
‘Well, we have the yabby battalion on the left front, the Cutlet Consumers in the front, and on the right the Alzheimer Cure Seekers.’
‘All infantry?’
‘Well, yes….’
‘Set up my battery, pal.’
‘Sure, old man. We forgot about guns.’
To be continued….
January 16th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
As night descends and flares light up the sky over Leeton, former Cannery Capital of the Southern Hemisphere, the town prepares for its moment of Thermopylae……the time that will mark its future forever in the sands and soil of the Riverina.
As I look across the plains, I see women kneel in prayer, led by Gwennie the Patriarch, and nuns and priests say the Rosary as this town prepares to defend itself against Crustacean Calamity.
How did this come to pass?
Well, complicated matters can be settled quickly, but the obvious takes longer.
Was it Leeton’s hunger for prawn delicacies and its total disregard for prawn civil liberties? Or was it the crazed scientists who fed Mafia greed by matching human genes with those of the prawn? Was it the prawn objection to denial of a decent death, free from egg, flour and breadcrumbs?
Like the sepoys of India who objected to the British Empire’s use of cow grease on bullets, the prawns are in revolt.
Perhaps they objected before, but now they are seven metres tall. Perhaps they cannot speak, but only squeak, but Leeton has to take notice.
Marshalled against humanoid prawn mutations are the settlers of lovely Leeton.
Leeton will keep prawn eatin’, Leeton will not be beaten, they cry.
When dawn breaks, we shall discover the answer to this ongoing tragedy of Desire, Hunger and Rural Madness.
This is Edward R. Borrow. Good Night and Good Luck.
To be continued….
January 16th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Putney Brasenose MC of Royal Artillery at your service.
The Riverina Prawn Men have mounted their flour, egg and breadcrumb gun on the outskirts of Leeton. The Breadcrumb Battery, ‘Old Crumby’, cannot be allowed to go unchallenged, what, what, what? As I said to my CIC Prince William when we were having Ginners at the Grenners (they served powerful aperitifs in the Grenadiers), the enemy needs to be given a TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE.
Let us face it, men, THE RIVERINA PRAWN MAN IS NO MAN’S FOOL. They remind me of the wily Pathan.
I have established our own battery on an historic Leeton place, Humper Hill.
Humper Hill is a traditional, knee-trembler local mating place of great romantic local memory and Camilla Parker Bowles has been asked to unveil a name plate and memorial in honour of the many Leetonians who can trace their procreation to the Hill.
General G.I.N. German MC is a splendid commander. All is ready for this show, but for one small defect.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO PUT IN OUR CANNON.
Fortunately we have been joined by an American irregular, Sublootenant Barlowe, who has given us crucial intelligence.
Barlowe: Wassup?
Colonel Brasenose: No munititions. Otherwise all is going plan.
General German: Don’t panic, Colonel. We’ll come up with something. Can you help Barlowe?
Barlowe: Sure can do, kiddo. Look in these boxes. I have cleaned out every store.
Colonel Brasenose: For what, what, what – what?
Barlowe: Cat food, pilgrim. Every brand you can name. Know anything about Riverina Prawn Men?
Colonel Brasenose: Not much.
Barlowe: I kid you not, they cannot resist CAT FOOD. This is a swell lot of ammo.
General German: Well done, Barlowe!
Barlowe: Of all the crazy, mixed up, out of sight rumbles I had to walk into this hill of beans.
Colonel Brasenose: Should we sent a coded message to Canberra?
General German: No, it would just excite them.
Colonel Brasenose: Then let the BATTLE OF HUMPER HILL BEGIN. Load up the CATFOOD CANNON.
To be continued…..
January 16th, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Pre-dawn, THE BATTLE OF HUMPER HILL.
A flare explodes in the air.
We can see the massed beady eyes of the foe, their myriad legs waving.
A small figure appears next to The Great Prawn Leader. Is it KJ ? Have they taken her hostage ? We have received a message in GHQ saying:
‘I love him, General, not as a Prawn but as a MAN.’
Have they turned her, like Paddy Hearst ?
FIRE!
An opened can of Kitty Kat sails through the air and lands near the couple.
The Prawn Leader releases his hostage and begins to gobble the contents.
The strategy will work!
Aux armes Leeton citoyens ! Formez vos batallions!
To be continued……
January 16th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
How much Hump could a Hill Humper Hump if a Hill Humper could Hump Hills?
January 17th, 2010 at 6:45 am
THE BATTLE OF HUMPER HILL, Riverina 2010.
The bombardment began at first light……….
At first The Riverina Prawn Men had the best of it.
Large missiles of flour, water, egg, and breadcrumbs began to rain down on the town.
The shire secretary was hit in the chest and carried away babbling to a casualty station.
Father Dougal, regimental chaplain, visiting for the Father Tedfest was rebuked for attempting to eat the mixture while offering spiritual consolation.
The area beyond Pine Avenue became filled with Mixture.
No Man’s Land beyond was a vast, sticky mess.
The Yabby Battalion was unable to make an advance on the left front, the Queen’s Own Cutlet Consumers were pinned down in their trenches, while the Alzheimer Cure Seekers were able to make some progress on the right flank.
The Yabbies, being an indigenous battalion, set a magnificent example under their banner, The Claw, and sent commando missions into Prawn Lines.
The enemy made considerable use of propaganda, firing pamphlets such as BOILED WITH DIGNITY, NOT CRUMBED AND FRIED into our lines.
On loudspeakers they played a Scottish song taken from the CD, KJ in the Highlands:
A Cutler for Me
Who won the VC
If you nae a CUTLET
Ye’re nae guid tae me.
The Regimental Aid Post (RAP) did a splendid job de-crumbing the casualties. Leeton Catholic Sisters kept up a stream of hot tea to those on the front line.
The tide of battle turned when we opened up with our Cat Cannon on Old Crumbie, the enemy battery.
Riverina Prawn Men, who had been without rations for several weeks, broke ranks to devour the contents. Surprisingly when they consumed Kitty Kat and other pussy provender they began to shrink.
By the time we reached their lines only the Presidential Honour Guard – a fine group indeed – were of gigantic proportions.
Under the flag of truce it was resolved to cease hostilities.
The cease fire agreement was that annually the young men of Leeton would perpetuate the Battle of Humper Hill, with all proceeds to go to assist knee trembler research efforts.
Further, it was negotiated that the postmodern practice of crumbing and frying be discouraged in favour of the Traditional Boiling and Salting, thus restoring the Dignity of the Prawn.
Yabbies counter-signed the Cease Fire Agreement with the provision that in future only good quality meat, not scraps, will be used by all children fishing for Yabbies in lakes and dams.
A Prawn Line will be administered by the United Nations.
THE END
*Ed’s note: Thanks to The Ginger Man for the magnificent The Riverina Prawn Men Are Coming! (Part of Radio National’s special Summer Reading programming).
January 21st, 2010 at 3:05 pm
As a person who takes great delight in researching historical sites, I am disappointed not to find Humper Hill on local maps. I thought I might find some interesting archaeology or relics.
Enquiries to locals only elicit Cow Shit Hill (now Wattle Hill) or channel banks as the preferred carnal locations.
Either The Ginger Man got it wrong or I spoke to members of the Alzheimer Cure Seeker Battalion.
Dear P,
Enough to note…..
Do you remember when folks in small sedans used to go up to the Corbie Hill Lookout? And the night illuminated main street of Leeton (with its hump in the middle) looked exactly like the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
KJ.
January 21st, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Dear P,
Please be assured that my research documents are covered with impeccable sauces.
I sent a scout party to Humper Hill from the Alzheimer Cure Seekers. They came back VERY LATE with big smiles on their faces.
I really appreciate your research as I could very well be wrong.
Perhaps it was called Henry Lawson Humper Hill.
On the other hand Cow Shit Hill does ring a bell, and it was included in John Manifold’s collection of Australian folk songs:
Tra la la tittledy dee
It gives me a thrill
To wake up in the
Morning on Cow Shit Hill.
P. Would like to hear more from you on local knowledge.
*The Rebellion of Cow Shit Hill received no mention by Manning Clark.