Lara And Michael Riverina Style!

Australian journalists? Hang your heads in shame…

The reporting of the Miss Bingle/Mr Jo-Bingles Clarke tragedy has been marred by a critical mistake – Miss Bingle was not Mr Bo-Bingle Clarke’s girlfriend: she was his FIANCEE.

And where I come from being a fiancee meant something…

-Like publicly declaring that only one special person would feel you up for Eternity.

-Like disporting a pile of chips that allowed women of all ages to imagine being big in ‘The Antiques Roadshow’. In keeping with local tradition, by age eight I could $$$$ an engagement ring from 30 metres*.

(*Margin of acceptable error $75-$130).

-Like being in receipt of a pressie arsenal that made the RSL Bonanza Nativity Christmas raffle look pathetic.

Engagement ring by Sammy Hancock.

(KJ: ‘Worth about $4,342 I reckon, nice unusual setting.’ Tommy Hancock:flickr)

So to be engaged in Leeton came with its joys – think six whipper snippers, two locally manufactured home colonic irrigation kits and perhaps even a post-honeymoon recovery night for two at the Lake Cargelligo Caravan Park.

But it also came – as it should have – with grave responsibilities.

A Shattered Engagement was the worse thing that could happen (apart from going ‘DUI’ twice in a two week period).

And when news that a ‘wedding was off’ swept though my town, things quickly turned ugly. And the closer to the scheduled date of the doomed nuptials, the uglier the fall out.

Her family’s strategy?

New information had come to light about an injury of a very personal nature sustained by Wazza at Nui Dat. Would have been good if Shazza had been told.

His family’s strategy?

New information of a very personal nature had come to light about Shazza’s dating history. All right, let’s be clear about this. Exactly what sort of girl allows herself to be photographed with the complete Rugby Premiership team of 1979?

Just when concerned citizens were thinking that things couldn’t get any uglier, they invariably did..

Reports of a ring being melted down at 3am, caterers demanding payment for projected losses on wedding reception prawn cocktails, a shredded guipure lace wedding dress (estimated value: $432*) dumped at the Leeton Tip and father-in-laws that ‘weren’t to be’ tearing each other apart with bare hands in pub brawls.

(*Acceptable margin of error: $23-$46).

The last straw for all right thinking folk was when news comes through that three whipper snippers had been cut into one-and-a-half.

And I ask you: Who wins when it gets to this, WHO wins?

Furthermore, wasn’t it about time someone thought about Wazza and Shazza?

Sick was always the concensus on how they must be feelin’.

Correct.

And then, one day it dawns on Wazza that he’s had a gutful.

And he’s off to Wagga Wagga to finish his plumbing apprenticeship. And he’s gonna set up his own business and make lots of moolah.

And even though he doesn’t tell anyone this bit, he’s still aiming to marry a good sort and have a coupla great kids.

And all of the above comes true – all within 18 months!

************************************

*So, as usual, I’m on high blogging alert, waiting for news from your patch…

Perhaps you’ve even been on site for a shattered engagement…it’s awful to watch isn’t it? Just awful. I’m also worried about Mr Bo-Bingles Clarke. I mean he’s gotta out to get out there and dance in New Zealand even though he’s had an awful time. Just awful….

I think the best approach for all of us (in respect to both parties) is to just sit quietly in this awful period and await happier times….that’s the best thing to do…I really think it is……..

All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 15th, 2010 at 2:14 pm and is filed under Appalling Situations, Leeton, Riverina, Sensuality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

19 Responses to “Lara And Michael Riverina Style!”

  1. The Big Lebowski Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I want to be like Mister Shuffles,
    (Who told me)
    I need the kids to throw me truffles….
    I like the wind on my ears to ruffle.

    I loved Mumma when I was inside,
    But outside,
    I can see a beautiful Bride..

    YOU can have wine, whiskey, kegs….
    But I get refreshment under Her legs.

    I have my ball, and my human friends,
    I am only little, but I shall be bigger…..
    Being alive, folks, is a real humdinger!

  2. The Dude Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    I once met a guy from Nebraska who’d been married five times…..
    He was a happy guy.

    Dear Mr Dude on behalf of Mr Nebraska: Bon appetit! KJ.

  3. The Big Lebowski Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    I met a man called Jo-Bingles
    And he pranced a bit….
    In dirty whites and dusty shoes.
    (Could still hit a bit)

    He hit so high, he hit so high
    All over the ground…

    He loved to teach the kids….
    They used to call to him:
    Mister Jo-Bingles, Mister Jo-Bingles,
    Teach us all to hit (a bit)….

    We don’t care ’bout Romance.

  4. Chadwick Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    KJ,
    That’s the only Cane Toad Diamond I’ve ever seen.

    And that Mr Chadwick is a totally UNACCEPTABLE margin of error! KJ.

  5. The Rev Dr Kev Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    Dear KJ,

    Can I just say……?

    It’s usually the people of Australia who come to me for succour in times of woe.

    But today I’m coming to you…..

    I know you have close contacts in the Canberra press gallery – so could you discreetly, and I mean discreetly, cos I know what the meejia can do to people like me (and Michael and the luvly Lara) check out the rumour – first reported by another Lara, or maybe Laura in The Fin, which suggested the Great Love Affair between The Rev Dr Kev and the People’s Party of Australia may be coming to an end.

    AND a certain red head is being lined up as a replacement. (c.f press pix of body language between me and NSW Premier and the Red Head locked in her warm embrace).

    How cheap is that?

    I know I – like you – don’t believe much I read in the papers any more – cos all the good stuff’s on blogs like yours or Ch 7 Sunrise – so I’m thinking it’s not REALLY ALL OFF, but please reassure The Rev Kev’s fluttering heart.

    Worriedly Yours,

    The Rev Dr Kev.

    Dear The Rev Kev,

    All right. I’ll be honest.

    Australia asked you on a date.

    You accepted.

    In love there is only one true thing…….

    Dates can also come with ‘use by’ dates.

    May I suggest you ring Mr Bo-Bingles Clarke for urgent counsel?

    KJ.

  6. Roma Street Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    A girl in our office who had been co-habiting with her ‘partner’ (subsequently dubbed by her ‘my fiancee’) for some 5 or 6 years lobbed at work one day sporting a sparkler and claiming to be engaged.

    No date had been set. That got my hackles up for a kick-off, because in my view an engagement without a date is not an engagement, especially when the parties to it are already co-mortgagees and/or two halves of a parental unit.

    We duly kicked the tin and came up with an office engagement present, but they never got married or even set a date.

    They wound up eloping about four years after the girl had left the company. i.e about seven years after the engagement, meaning that not only us, but everyone who forked out for engagement presents never even got to attend the wedding.

    Did we all get our presents back after this whopping display of bad faith?

    Did we f***!

    All engagements should come with a binding legal clause whereby if a wedding ceremony does not take place within X months of the announcement of the engagement, all engagement presents must be returned to their givees forthwith.

    Dear Roma Street,

    Unfortunately, I believe your colleagues were the victims of a highly organised ring of engagement present swindlers.

    I believe that the girl in your office was part of the ring. I believe she went on to act out her cruel engagement present scam in offices throughout Australia.

    I also believe she may still be operating to this very day.

    * I am currently engaged to a wonderful man: he’s a penguin fertility scientist who’s spent the last 13 years in Antarctica. BUT, we have set a date: September 6th, 2026.

    All breadmakers and whipper snippers to the ABC Sydney headquarters please.

    KJ.

  7. The Knuckle (nee White Knuckle) Says:
    March 16th, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Roma Street,

    Came downstairs As An Act Of Courage…

    Saw the post about engagements.

    I was once known as The White Knuckle because although male, I wore an engagement ring.

    This when removed left a white mark, so I could say to girls:

    Oh, THAT! I used to be engaged. It’s OFF, now, and I’m FREE.

    The girls would say, ‘Oh, you must have received LOTS of engagement presents, and both Mummys and Daddies probably bought you an apartment overlooking the Harbour.’

    When I explain that I live in community housing and my only possession is a doona which is subject to a repossession order they go all quiet.

    Back to the aforementioned man-eatin’ doona…….

    Dear The Knuckle (nee White Knuckle)

    I want that doona and I’ll stop at nothin’ to get it. KJ.

  8. The Lizard Says:
    March 16th, 2010 at 9:52 am

    You know what I want ?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_iQZiVD_zA

  9. The Big Lebowski Says:
    March 16th, 2010 at 10:18 am

    I had a sun-drenched studio,
    When I was Poet of the Year,
    Lara was my neighbour,
    (an absolute dear)

    I played squash with Mr Ibrahim,
    Who gave me gold Rolie watches,
    I was very good friends with him.
    Rene even asked me on his yacht,
    (Even though I knew to say NOT!)

    I know of this I should not be speaking…
    (nor of my personal picture with Reagan)
    It all was fun…
    (I mean this really)
    A regular caller was McNearly,
    Who read his books aloud,
    (Touchy-feely)
    We were buddies.
    Right on the rub,
    Pals in the spa,
    Blondes in the tub……
    Until I joined the First Tuesday Book Club.

  10. The Ginger Man Says:
    March 16th, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Many years ago, I was invited by a male friend to his sister’s engagement party.

    We all had to pin money on the bride-to-be.

    The biggest donor of all was the brother who announced: ‘I love her Father, but not as a Sister, but as a WOMAN!’

    The matter is now before the Hellenic Small Claims Tribunal.

  11. The Rev Dr. Kev Says:
    March 17th, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Dear Miss KJ,

    You know what?

    I don’t like to go on. I really don’t…

    But I’m getting just a little bit motherf….ing f…ed off with all this talk about BIG RED.

    After all I’ve done for her.

    Including lying and saying ‘No’ when she asked: ‘Does my arse look big in this?’

    Sadly,

    The Rev Dr Kev.

    Dear The Rev Dr Kev,

    PLEASE……

    In the interests of appropriateness, in the interests of ‘electability’, in the interests of everything that is good and right about our country……PLEASE think twice about ever posting the likes of this again…..

    PS: I KNOW my arse looks big in just about everything but that doesn’t mean I should be excluded from contributing to Australia’s vibrant cultural scene. KJ.

  12. Meg Says:
    March 17th, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Dear Roma Street,

    If a GROUP purchased engagement present is returned under your
    ‘no wedding’ rule, WHO gets it?

    Dear Megsy,

    I think the pressie returned under the ‘Roma Street Rule’ should be given to the oldest single woman in the contributing group. KJ.

  13. The Ginger Man Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 5:34 am

    I know that our friends from Nebraska….

    To Narrandera…..

    From Lima to Leeton…….
    To LA, from Dirranbandi to Dallas……..

    Can help me with a serious case of Writer’s Block. [Worse Case of Writer's Block I ever done see!]

    I am like a cook with a recipe, ingredients, stove and implements.

    But nothin’s cookin’, good-lookin’…….

    What do we need for a story(ies) from our world wide fellowship?
    A jail.
    A train (Midnight Special)
    A dog (preferably dyin’)
    A Dame (there’s always a Dame)
    A gun.
    A hometown (Leeton or its zillion equivalents).
    Personal tragedy.
    Death.
    Loneliness (Sunday morning, kinda bustin’ inside).
    A dangerous Enemy (Big Bad….).
    Alcoholic Spirits
    A history of Failure and Courage and Optimism ‘gainst the Odds.
    Cowboys or Shamuses.
    Failure/Betrayal in Love.
    A sidekick (preferably humorous and stoopid).
    Other Dames as temptresses.

    I hate competitions, discussion fora, Tuesday Book Club.

    I like folks gettin’ by the fire with a bottle of hooch tellin’ stories about Grandpa. The Fox and the Henhouse. Auntie, the Lodger and the Sherriff.

    Help me out here……

    ‘Kay?

    TGM.

    Ed’s note: Our dear The Ginger Man….? WRITER’S BLOCK!?
    Well let me tell yer Lord Ginge, I am prayin for yer, I am prayin for yer Soul……
    I am prayin’ that the Good Lord will release you from yer mal-a-die.
    I am prayin’ that He will give you (ASAP!) the strength to find the woooords…
    Let us ALL pray now for Lord Ginge……
    Let us all fall to our knees (usin’ the Macquarie Dic-tion-aaary as our kneeeelers…..).
    For He Lord Ginge is THE Word……
    KJ.

  14. The Dude Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 11:42 am

    I have been thinking – perhaps forming a small business such as Find-a-Diamond Plumbing Service, run by a Justice of the Peace with expertise in ambiguous statutory regulations.

    Find-the-Denture Plumbing Service is another alternative…….

    Get-Fat-in-a Week Services may also be a recovery program for those who have fallen for the is-my-bum-big-in-this? Fraud and Associated Diet.

    I like the Get-Fat-in-a-Week notion…….

    Dear The Dude,

    This is a site where ‘Ideas Men’ always feel very comfortable…..

    Well done you! KJ.

  15. The Ginger Man: Writer's Block OVER!!!!! Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Worst case of UNIVERSAL writer’s block I ever saw!

    Tex stepped down from the Midnight Special straight from Folsom, after a stretch for killin a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

    The loneliness from the jailhouse had left him kinda bustin’ inside. It was a Thanksgiving Sunday Morning coming down, and the smell of turkey cookin’ and happy families a-calling made the bustin’ even harder to bear.

    He passed the Ole Gospel Church where he had once played the organ, but the pastor turned his eyes away at the sight of the shooter hanging from his belt.

    …..The old hometown of Leeton looked the same when he stepped down from the train, but Momma was not there to meet him. She had upped and died just the day before, and Poppa had just gone to the jailhouse.

    He had warned him once or twice about playing cards and shootin’ dice. Mebbe he was a chip off the old block. What he’d give now for some of Mom’s apple pie, some fried chicken, black eyed peas, chitlins, and grits.

    …..But a-waiting was Old Shepo, his faithful servant. But the dog up and died, right in front of him. He was bustin’ inside even worser.

    He took a swig of corn likker to soften the pain. But he was still kinda bustin’ inside.

    …..He remembered how his Daddy had worked him like a slave and had told him he did not know how a man like him had ever had a son like him.

    It was a Failure to Communicate, Sir!

    Where was his old comrade, Loony Leeton Lenny? He remembered how Evil Roy Slade had gunned him down in Pine Avenue just when they were havin’ fun after he’d covered Lenny with corn flour paste and entered him in the Leeton Chicken Festival.

    After all these years, he still grieves.

    He had tracked Evil Roy down and shot him down like the dirty dog he was.

    …..There was a yellow ribbon hanging from the old oak tree which someone had butchered with a chainsaw…….

    When he look at it there were the words: ‘Dear John, I hate to say this, but it’s over, baby blue, so GET LOST….’

    He started kinda bustin’ inside again.

    On a balcony in Pine Avenue, he could see Miss Kitty, all dressed up fancy-like, hangin’ over the rail.

    Come up here, Cowboy, and I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHUN YOU NEVER AIN’T HAD BEFORE!

    What you got, ma’am, Leprosy?

    Miss Kitty was a mite offended.

    You forgettin’ how we used to swing down by the old Court House? You forgettin’ that I’m yo SISTER?

    Sure I loved you. Even after yo got married, m’am.

    Yo loved me, true? Daddy did too, even tho he hated yo.

    I was at the Weddin’. I tole Daddy I loved you and he said, ‘Sure, you love your sister, son.’

    I said, DADDY I LOVE HER. I LOVE HER. BUT NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN!

    He had me cuttin’ firewood and brandin’ steers for a month for that remark.

    The fact you married Evil Roy made me kinda bustin’ inside ever worser.

    I soon made you a WIDDER. And I stilll loved ya, but NOT AS A SISTER BUT AS A WOMAN.

    So yo think I is still PURTY?

    Yes, ma’am, an I am still kind bustin’ inside.

    I sat down in the white dust of the Irrigatin Area Without Water, and played my gitar……

    Oh Lonsome Me.

    THE END.

  16. oceania68 Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Funny you should mention Nui Dat…

    I am reading a book on the Vietnam War, (mil edition) and where the Aussies were stationed and all…..

    Some things I already knew, and other things I’m learning about from the book……very interesting reading……

    On Engagements! Well the ‘decorum strategy’ flew out the window years ago…

    Whether you are with someone for 10 years or six months, in the eyes of some legal perspectives, you are still bound to rules and conditions, such as the ‘what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine’ mentality…

    I know of such dramas and none of the people were even engaged, so the point is: why bother getting engaged, when you only have to live with a person for 6 months? Somehow I think society has lost its decorum.

    In my opinion anyway…..

    PS: The Ginger Man, run around the block. I find that helps with writers block syndrome… I do it myself…

    Dear oceania68,

    Pleased to meet ya in here……

    ‘Decorum’ is one of my all time favourite words. And I’ll tell ya one true thing – there ain’t enough of it around. KJ.

  17. Marry Me Says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Dear KJ,

    Lara is ever so lucky. At least she did not stand at the altar for a NO SHOW!

    My goodness Marry Me……one thing for sure – there is NO obligation for a bride left at the altar to return -ANY presents received in good faith – engagement, wedding shower and wedding.

    A fire sale should and will provide a tidy sum to leave town – and start again. KJ.

  18. The Big Lebowski Says:
    March 20th, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    (With apologies to Boudleaux & Felice Bryant)

    She took my ring to show the world that it belongs to her…..
    She lost my ring to show the world a plumber is the thing…..
    With loving care I placed it on her finger,
    Love so true,
    That Love is now,
    Right Down the Loo!

    Because (alas) that gal has given me the finger,
    The Love the World thought sure would linger,
    This tiny ring was a token of tender emotion….
    An endless pool of love between me and you….

    She swore to wear it,
    But now it’s with the poo……

    That’s why I sing, when I pick my ring…..

    That tiny ring, a token of tender emotion
    Now it’s out there in a pool of ablution…
    Out there near Hawaii, deep in the Ocean,
    She swore to wear it with eternal devotion….

    Lawyers and insurance folk argue The Thing
    The Cane Toad Diamond that was My Ring.

  19. The Ginger Man Says:
    March 20th, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Vera Lynn is 93 today.
    She was on the Bletchley Wireless always.

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