Email to:Spinsters: The New Sex Symbols!
Hec and Gwennie produced five lovely girls – and then they proceeded to produce nothing much at all……
cr: jonlarge: flickr
A dismal fecundity scorecard.
Five comely country girls. Three marriages, one childless (nothing wrong with the works mind!) + two maiden sisters = a grand total of four offspring. Boys to boot…..
I daren’t speak for my two maiden sisters but this I can tell you. At age seven, I looked around Leeton and quickly identified the Murrumbidgee Maidens, the spinsters.
They were the ones with long plaits twisted up in hair nets.
Then I observed how they went about their daily business, concluding: I like the cut of a spinster’s crimplene!
Leeton spinsters were always busy.
They could be seen zipping around town in 20 year old pristine Holdens. Young men lusted after spinster vehicles. Sadly, the battles to secure a recently deceased spinster’s V8 were always unseemly…..
‘I’m havin’ Miss Rachett’s Holden if it’s the last thing I do. Twenty years old, 890 clicks on the clock….goes like a rocket, unlike Miss Rachett. Eh, eh, eh……’
Leeton spinsters were interesting people to chat with.
They had the time. I had the bulging eyes……
No matter that spinsters tended to get things terribly mixed up. Enthusiastic but bad reporters: purveyors of unsourced, strange information.
‘Your great, great, great, great uncle KJ was, of course, the Prime Minister of New Zealand. Tragically KJ, if Hec’s great, great, great, great grandfather hadn’t signed THAT piece of paper, all you Rosses would be living in a castle in Latvia……’
Occasionally, just occasionally, spinsters would drop in spinster snippets of a personal spinster nature.
In the main, these proved disappointing. Not half as good as what had always been THE story around town.
Most spinsters didn’t lose airmen beaus with matinee idol looks over the Pacific. There were no posthumously awarded VCs hanging by single gold chains from Ponds cream protected necks.
Rather, IT ’just never happened’.
And then again - mind you, in retrospect - for some lucky spinsters IT did happen but definitely NOT in Leeton. More a case of once a year on faraway Strokeback Island with a ’special’ friend, girl or otherwise.
So, decades on, what to report about my contemporary spinsterly existence?
It’s a full life, punctuated by good works.
*Like when five years ago I made a *Hummingbird cake and took it to work – in my pristine spinster plastic container – to brighten up the day of stressed colleagues. * Tip: Add extra tinned crushed pineapple for a more ‘velvety’ Hummingbird.
*Like when I taught my nephew (don’t worry, his name will come to me soon) to drive for a very reasonable fee…..
*Like when I wanted to be a role model for other not so self-assured spinsters by aiming to be on the cover of ‘New Idea’ as the Pacific Rim’s most sexually active spinster….
Get ready, authentic Spinsterspeak coming your way…….
WHAT A HOOT!
* Honestly, I’m far too busy to be lonely but I’d still love to hear from you – whatever your status! Divorced men without bitter bones in their bodies and hidden superannuation funds - SHE’S not gonna get a cent of it - most welcome…..
As always, everything valid. We all know the truth. If I was married with obnoxious kids and a great career you’d take notice of my prompts. But, I learnt long ago not to get upset about your unruly postings. Just quietly, I love ‘em!
The Ginger Man Is Back!
*The Detox Diaries.
All this week, follow The Ginger Man’s ‘Detox Diaries’.
Unfortunately ‘things recent’ for our resident tri polar with double pike adventurer haven’t been so dandy.
His trip to Leeton to complete the doco drama The Irrigation Area Without Water has ended at the Henry Lawson Loaded Dog Detox Community Cottage, Daalbata Road.
(cr: Pip_Wilson: flickr)
For those new to The Ginger Man – ex Bletchley Park, ex Trinity College – be very careful….
He’s addicted and addictive!
All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
Prawn Cutlet Award
March 1st, 2010 at 12:08 pm
http://www.smh.com.au/news/entertainment/arts/thousands-strip-naked-on-opera-house-steps/2010/03/01/1267291832800.html
When I see you at the Opera House,
Skinny pins won’t matter at all,
In company at the Opera House,
Naked humanity,
Balls and all.
There’s uncle with carbuncle,
And Spinster Aunt with spider veins,
Harry with his sunken chest….
In company at the Opera House,
Be sure you’re among the nudie best.
Tits are waving at the Opera House,
Bare arses everywhere,
We are naked at the Opera House,
And we don’t care.
March 1st, 2010 at 12:53 pm
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
Festival and film production on hold.
Due to incident in on set Trailer, police called. I have arrived in handcuffs at the above facility.
Young rural doctor unaware of wormwood poisoning over several decades, not to mention ‘Confessions of an Opium Eater’, my favorite book.
In bed with my diary.
As therapeutic reading, the doctor has given me the suicide letter of Austin plane crash pilot Joseph Andrew Stack, who is being named by officials as the perpetrator of a deliberate attack on a building in Austin which houses IRS offices.
Stack was having problems with the IRS and in his letter writes about ‘totalitarian regimes’ and taking on Big Brother.
Doc says it is a rant, but to me it makes perfect sense.
You can take a man out of a Trailer, but you cannot take the Trailer out of the man.
Yours sincerely,
The Ginger Man.
To be continued.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:57 pm
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
We have a patient here under the name of Mr G.I.N.German.
He was brought to our facility in restraint, and refuses to communicate.
His file reads only: Taken into custody after Trailer Incident.
The only connection we can find is a note giving this Website.
Can anyone help the Henry Lawson centre to determine the patient’s history?
I am new to the Irrigation Area Without Water.
To be continued…..
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:23 am
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
Patient, still under restraint, showered on plastic chair…
Still no response.
A book, K-Pax, amongst his possessions, along with a celestial map which includes the mythical constellation, Klytoria.
I am unable to perform a diagnosis or make any evaluation concerning his prognosis.
My rural experience does not extend to such an extraordinary case.
HE’s just started to sing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10HnrkPXXlk
To be continued….
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:10 am
Came downstairs as an Act Of Courage…….
Saw that The Ginger Man is in a downward spiral.
Feeling pretty jumpy myself.
Back to the man-eatin’ doona.
Dear The Knuckle,
Please try and keep calm.
Staff at the Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage have enough on their hands at present without you turning up. KJ.
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:42 am
Spinsters need to be taken for a spin.
Dear The Dude,
Any time, any place! KJ.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:02 am
Young men waiting out old ladies to get their hands on their pristine automobiles – in the annals of Proustian country town remembrances, that is a bullseye. Just the kind of lovely little quirk of country town life that brings it all flooding back.
I well remember two young men of around about my vintage lapping Pine Avenue in impeccably maintained conveyances of this type……
One was a faultless sky blue Hillman but the other was a real jewel, a mid-1960s Humber Super Snipe.
Dear Roma Street,
Let she who is without sin cast the first stone…..
I admit: I had my eye on a spinster’s ‘like just off the showroom floor’ vehicle – NOT just for me mind. It was a family sedan and would have been perfect for the Ross Seven. Was that SO wrong?
Any fessing up to be done from your end?
KJ.
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:58 pm
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
Have tested the patient with the Rorschach Test.
He looked at each ink blot without uttering a word…..
Then he picked them up, and shuffled them expertly like a Las Vegas dealer.
He dealt them out in front of me. Picked up his hand and finally said his first words:
Three no trumps.
To be continued.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:34 am
The phone in Art’s Bar and Grill, Leeton jingle-jangled…
It was the Dame.
There’s always a Dame.
Am I right, or am I right?
You gotta do something, Mister Barlowe.
Like I am doing something right now, toots. I’m on my fourth JB.
You gotta do something else, Mister Barlowe.
Sure, I’m dying to meet you, kiddo.
Dying?
Don’t say it like that, sugar. Death is not that bad, according to the Press releases….
You put your hand round the corner, and each time a new day bobs up into your mitt….
One day, however, you reach out your hand, and guess what? You get zilch, zero, diddly squat. It’s the end of the line, kiddo….
One of us is not going away smelling like roses.That’s when the optimists talk about your New Beginning, the greatest party of all that goes on like forever…
It’s a lot of fun for everybody, when it’s not YOU in the box…..
Dylan Thomas called the obsequies ‘fun- fer- alls’.
Like I say, everybody wears a smile, including the sucker in the box. In his case, it’s rictus sardonicus, the rigor mortis smile of death with a Capital D. He’s cactus, kicked off the mortal coil, fallen off the perch, gone for the Big Sleep.
It’s THE BIG LOSE.
Mister Barlowe, is Lord Ginge dead?
No, sugar, just pickled and in the nuthouse with Dr Knoxie Knoxie Knoxie, the Grammar School head-case looking after him. I’ll have to go and visit him.
What happened, Mister Barlowe, you gotta tell me?
The Trailer Incident. Read about it in The Irrigator.
Sorry toots, I gotta blow.
But, Mister Barlowe you still gotta song on the jukebox…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LSTc-5Fn_Y&feature=related
To be continued.
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:55 am
Would I be right to think that in country towns they’d all say:
‘That KJ, she’s been around the block!’
Dear The Dude,
Be very careful ’bout what ya say: don’t forget – people do have feelins’. KJ.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:22 am
I remember well a spinster in my home town – a sort of family friend, I say sort of as she was slightly mad and moody and we’d try to duck out of her way…..that being said, one afternoon she showed me an emerald and diamond ring in a blue box.
It was to be her engagement ring but turns out he was already married.
I thought I’d found the secret to her ‘difficult’ personality. Didn’t put me off spinster hood however.
In fact, I’m all for it.
Hello there Roxanne and a big welcome!
What a story…..
One love rat, one broken hearted spinster and ONE (as they’d say in Leeton) BIG heap of chips looking for a home…..
Which they found.
I’m glad you’re enjoying spinsterhood…
Can’t say my jewellery box is worth insuring……
KJ.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:04 pm
The cry went up:
A dingo’s got my Opposition Leader!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzqmiUoTqcs
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:43 pm
On a cold and windy winter’s morn,
Poor little Six-Pack T was born,
In the Ghetto….
And his Momma cried:
Where’s my baby?
Where’s my baby?
The Opposition Leader Lost…..
In a desert sandstorm,
A gutsy leader faced the chills,
Body racked and filled with ills….
Sixty thousand years of navigation,
Had let him down….
Tears down his cheek,
As he wrote these words:
Lost in Fossil Creek.
And his Momma cried (a lot)
Where’s my Tony?
Where’s my Tony?
Had he done a bolt?
Had he done a Harold Holt ?
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:10 pm
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage Leeton.
It appears that Patient G.I.N. German may be under the illusion that, like K-Pax, he is from Outer Space…..
Also that he may be suffering from Wormwood Poisoning from excessive intake of Absinthe.
Where is Klytoria? (He is telling staff he has come from PLANET Klytoria)
I search Wikipedia again…….
Lefkasio (Greek: Λευκάσιο) is a municipality in the south-eastern part of the Achaea prefecture, Greece.
Its seat of administration is the village Kleitoria, also Klitoria (Greek: Κλειτωρία) (historically a part of Arcadia), near the site of the ancient village of Kleitor. Kleitoria is divided into Ano Kleitoria and Kato Kleitoria.
What is Absinthe? (Why has the ward suddenly turned Green?) Wiki again:
Absinthe is historically described as a distilled, highly alcoholic (45–74% ABV) beverage.
It is an anise-flavoured spirit derived from herbs, including the flowers and leaves of the herb Artemisia absinthium, commonly referred to as ‘grande wormwood’.
It is commonly referred to in historical literature as ‘la fée verte’ (the Green Fairy).
To be continued.
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:43 pm
The spinnies ’round here in the retirement village make a mean margarita. Plenty of booze and lemons.
As for the cars, you don’t need to drive far if you’re having relations with a fella who lives around the block…
They don’t keep crocheted rugs in the back of them cars for nuthin’.
Dear Martha from Del Boca Vista,
Just quietly (from one chirpy spinster to another) sounds like a VERY spinster friendly set-up you’ve got going there…..
What next?
Spritely codgers and margaritas AND the pool cleaner? Yippee!!!
KJ from Leeton.
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:10 pm
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
The arrival of Nurse Try Do has complicated matters.
Can you help? I asked her.
I Try Do, she said.
She immediately rubbed the Patient with Vicks Vaporub.
He responded well.
I have asked Knoxie, the barrister, and the ballet master bishop, Knoxie Knoxie, to investigate.
They have discovered that the Vaporub liniment cream contains WORMWOOD OIL, THE PRINCIPAL INGREDIENT OF ABSINTHE!!!!!!
‘Today, wormwood oil, the oil obtained from Artemisia absinthium, is used as a counter-irritant in many common over-the-counter pharmacy products, including Vicks Vaporub….’
http://www.oxygenee.com/absinthe/herbs1.html
To be continued.
March 4th, 2010 at 1:07 am
Well, at least you can say that the Mad Monk is not a sat phone geek up Fossil Creek…eek, eek, eek!
Some lads will do anything for a camel sausage and some publicity.
By the way, did they find that indigenous hallucinogen?
Eeek!
http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/up-fossil-creek-without-a-clue-20100303-pj3p.html
March 4th, 2010 at 8:05 am
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
Please ask that fellow Irishman and Opposition Leader, Mr T. Ab.D.O’Man, to come to my assistance.
The sound of his quad bike bell coming through the Irrigation Area Without Water would be most welcome as I am in desperate circumstances here.
Is he related to Henry Lawson?
To be continued.
March 4th, 2010 at 10:00 am
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
I Try Do…
I give Lord Ginge little whistle Made in China. I buy in junk shop.
I say to Lord Ginge Man: ‘If you want anything, just whistle.’
He say: ‘Here’s looking at you, kid.’
Of all the half-baked anti-gin rehab joints in all the Leeton towns in all the world, she walks into mine…..
To be continued.
March 4th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Hi Ya KJ,
O.K I got lost.
So what?
At least I was out there – doing stuff, not just talking into a Mic at the Nat Press Club.
They say I’m DANGEROUS. That I don’t really know what I’m doing, or where I’m going.
My private mail bag tells a different story….
Let me share with you KJ just one of the many messages I’m getting from a particular demographic:
‘Dear Tony,
Next time you head into the desert on a Quad Bike wearing a T-shirt and not much else – take me along for the ride – whenever, where ever. I don’t care. Just TAKE ME.
Waiting for the call,
Longingly Yours,
Miss Mary S. (spinster)’
See here’s the thing KJ – my action man routine is beginning to have what the spin guys call TRACTION out there with a particular demographic – the Aussie Spinster.
AND there’s a growing army of them – sick to death of good-for-nothing-do-nothing PC-ing Mandarin speaking nerdy nancy boys.
Even though I say it msyelf, it looks like I’m on a winner.
Tony Six Pack.
PS: Here’s a little scoop for you – something the media missed – out there in the desert – short of refreshment – I had to drink my own urine, and you know what – it tasted pretty good!
Dear Mr Tony Six Pack,
This I can tell you in terms of a sure fire election strategy: a free date voucher for every Australian spinster.
* I didn’t know you’d TAKEN UP drinking urine for Lent. KJ.
March 4th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Detox Community Cottage, Leeton.
My friend, Barlowe PI, says if I do not get out of here soon I could be facing:
THE BIG LOSE.
To be continued…..
March 5th, 2010 at 11:19 am
I cannot wait for the next inciting adventure of Six Pack (Little Boy Lost).
What’s next ? OPPOSITION LEADER LOST ON WAY TO COMMUNITY CENTRE – GRAVE FEARS. Pensioners rally round.
Or
WORK CHOICES WILLY-WILLY MAY HAVE TAKEN SIX PACK- GRAVE FEARS FOR LEADER- Unemployed hail lost hero.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/video/2010/03/04/2836976.htm
March 5th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
The Loaded Dog Henry Lawson Community Cottage, Leeton.
Not since leaving Knox Grammar have I had such an experience.
At 1100 hrs a man identifying himself as Professor Godwin Grech arrived at this facility.
He informed me that the patient should be discharged into his care for Animal Affection Therapy.
He was accompanied by a Five Super Puppies, a half dingo/half-fox (’Fingo’), a Bengal Tiger, and a kangaroo (’Kev The Kanga’)
ALL were extremely exuberant at the sight of the patient, who departed wearing a green scarf.
Nurse Try Do also left the cottage.
A male nurse who had the unusual characteristic of spinning like a top was also a member of the party.
I must say I am relieved that The Patient is in other hands.
To be continued.
March 5th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
He back. But I worried bout Lord Ginge.
Yessireetruebobdat…..
March 6th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
The phone jangle-jingled in Art’s Bar and Grill, Leeton. He must have a new one.
Sure enough, it was the Dame – an essential commodity in Life’s mysterious hill of beans, if you can put a net around that notion, pal.
I gotta thank ya, Mister Barlowe.
The Ginger Man’s back with his rat pack, so why thank me, kiddo?
What are you doing, babes, on your knees for that swell girl, Mary MacKillop, toots.
That broad doesn’t do everything, you know. You ever watch Aircraft Investigations on the Box? She’s not like Superman.
You talk real funny, Mister Barlowe, just cause a girl wants to say thankya!
Thanks are useless, kiddo. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
In this case the swell guy was that sucker Gordon Grech.
What did the professor prescribe all the way from Leeton to Al Gundagai, now the Darvish Spin-a-Long Rehab Centre?
Two bottles of Absinthe.
You’re makin’ me scared, Daddy.
Well, kiddo, you know what Freud said….?
What, Mister Barlowe?
You may love, but you must fear.
I gotta blow, kiddo. A JB is calling.
To be continued.
March 7th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Why is everything so bloody GREEN?
To be concluded next ep.
March 7th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Lord Ginge – he feelin betta – say if there is anny con-clusion, anny hepisode, den we gotta be hepcats!
WE gotta get hep! Yesirreebobtruedat.
What dis hep, Lord Ginge a-talkin?
He even saith he Lord Ginge an de Hepcats!
He got de Five Super Puppies a-heppin on top ob de Piano.
He saith to me, Chief Monk, kindly alert the Media!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehVZktW0BK4&feature=PlayList&p=D340FC7834F73C81&index=2
THE END….