Email to:Girls Just Wanna Be Born!
‘Furnace like’ would be a gross understatement in describing the heat in the small irrigated township of Leeton on January 25th, 1957.
SO fierce, rice paddies turned into geysers and cling peaches became lethal when they exploded right off trees taking out thousands of innocent seasonal pickers….
Fearing for the lives of their sweltering elderly flock, church leaders declared nudity mandatory at a scheduled Methodist Picnic….
And at the Leeton Swimming Pool, desperate bathers had to be treated for shock when unprecedented evaporation emptied the Olympic size pool in just under eight minutes.
In the middle of the chaos, Gwennie screamed: ‘It feels like I’ve got a catering size can of peaches inside me!!!’
And out I came in the ’Warren’s Tiling Memorial Delivery Room’ at the Leeton District Hospital.
Girl number FIVE for Hec and Gwennie Ross who were already having trouble keeping their dignity, remaining proud of their brood in a town where the birth of a boy always generated up to 19 times as many pressies.
[Cr: Lynn (Gracie's mom) - I'm here and there's photostream: flickr]
While Gwennie was safely bringing her catering tin of peaches into The Riverina, Hec was hard at work at the Letona Cannery telling everyone that ‘he wouldn’t mind a boy’. HOWEVER, if God - who had the right to be a real bastard - decided this was not to be, so be it.
Hec appeared rational but underneath he was in turmoil, grappling with not only urgent gender issues but also recurring thoughts of Gwennie’s birthing day routine.
And the fact that he’d experienced it several times before Januray, 1957, made it no less disturbing.
To be fair – by the time I was born – Gwennie always tried to get to hospital a good 20 minutes before having a baby.
Ever since Hec was forced to mentally scrub up and nearly had to go into delivery mode for girl two, Merrilee Anne, on the front bench seat of Holden CLU 295 in his town’s bustling main street, Pine Avenue, he’d made himself crystal clear on future obstetric protocols: ‘A man would appreciate a bit of warning.’
On the 25th of January, 1957, things did go to plan but Hec was still left with free floating emotions – equal parts tenderness and terror.
As usual, a 34cms dilated Gwennie screaming: ’When we going to get a Labor Government? WHEN we going to get a Labor Government? WHEN WE GOING TO GET A F****** LABOR GOVERNMENT?’ was conveyed in CLU 295 to Leeton’s crack Imminent Birth Squad.
Hec - now with terror and tenderness threatening to bring him undone - drove (as per THE protocols) in a manner dangerous to work clutching at the certainty that a phone call would come though within the hour.
Which it did.
To say that the catering size tin of peaches had arrived in the form of Girl Number Five.
Apart from begging the doctor to closely monitor genitals and immediately report back if there were any changes, Hec was excited.
In line with protocol, he drove in a manner dangerous back to the hospital, gave Girl Number Five a cuddle while winking at Gwennie and nodding: ‘ SHE’s a champion, another bloody champion!’
Not much later, Hec was heard telling a celebratory scrum in the Leeton Hotel that everyone in it had better comes to terms with the FACT that it was the most virile blokes – the blokes with the killer sperm – that had been proven to produce far more girls than their unfortunate counterparts*.
* It really is very sad that Hec wasn’t around to witness the scientific advances which proved him right.
‘To increase your chances of conceiving a girl, you should have intercourse 3-4 days before ovulation. Men produce two types of sperm — those carrying the X or female chromosome, and those that carry the Y or male chromosome. These two types of sperm are different in several ways: the male y-sperm cells are smaller, weaker, but faster than the female x-sperm cells, which are bigger, stronger, but slower. Therefore, if you have sex 3-4 days prior to ovulation, you have a better chance of conceiving a girl, because the weaker male sperm cells will die off, and the female sperm cells will be available in greater quantity when the egg is released.’
http://www.ovulation-calendar.com/hlp-d02-ovulation-and-pregnancy.html
************************************************
So good on Hec and all the other highly virile Australian fellas who produce girls. And let’s be all clear on this - these superb men have NEVER been given their due.
Desperate to hear from particularly virile posters……
Perhaps you were born in the ‘Warren’s Tiling Memorial Delivery Room’ at Leeton District Hospital and want to publically thank the great team there…….
And, as usual, just great to hear from everyone simply compelled to pass on their news/observations. Everything is valid. Remember, you’re in a site which not only tolerates but positively celebrates the glorious rainbow that is humankind.
All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it
Prawn Cutlet Award
April 19th, 2010 at 6:12 pm
I’m in a backyard in a big tomato patch.
A chook runs across the path darting in out of the bushes heavily powdered in mildew preventing fungicide.
My fat cousin treads on my heels, for a moment I totter, then fall, slicing my head open on the edge of a brick.
Am I dead or just dreaming?
Dear Greek and loving it,
Why is that Greeks are always prone to exaggeration?
Next you’ll be telling me that I should convert all my $Aus into Greek Euros for superannuation purposes. KJ.
April 19th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
What the Hell?
Dear Greek and loving it,
May I remind you that you’re into a well-established blog – NOT a cheap Twittering arena. KJ.
April 20th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
I do not say you’re a preener,
But I love the hair, (I do!) Kristina!
May I call it the Autumn Cut?
Swirl your tresses
Entrance us (modest dresses)
Lifting us from out the rut,
Intensive care,
(Connecticut hair)
Snipped on the angle,
Ah, so cute!
(I think I’ll buy me a very good suit)
From St Leonards to Hornsby
Artarmon down to Willoughby
Women are now lining up,
(No BUTS)
They all want the Kristina Cut.
April 20th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Although I’ve only experienced childbirth from one end of the canal – I have done research on ‘origins’ and it’s not half as interesting as people would lead you to believe.
As to comparing pregnancy to canned peaches!
But what do you have to say about the volcanic ash situation KJ? Would you stay or would you go now?
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Leeton is situated on the site of the extinct Volcano Riverine. So, it’s obvious – I stayed. KJ.
April 20th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Hi Knuckle,
Just saw an ad on the TV.
Couple wearing portable duvets as they sit on the couch watching telly.
Button up………..wearable doonas…
Whowoulddathought?
April 21st, 2010 at 10:29 am
I am the proud dad of two girls and I have been told that I should have kept going until a boy came along.
No way said I – loving daughters can’t be beaten and although they arent natives of Leeton, I have told them many stories of the place and they have visited the Roxy Theatre.
China had a one child policy, but I think any application for such in Leeton was knocked back by the council.
Dear Stoney Point,
Lovely to hear from you…….
To be honest I think you should have rolled the gender dice just one more time – you may have been lucky enough to have ended up with THREE girls!
KJ.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Hi KJ,
It’s been a while I know, but you know what?
I’ve been a bit busy making history……..
As I tried to explain to your namesake on TV last night, what I’ve achieved is really really big, quite something (not that it’s about me).
Now the good people of Australia will be able to rest easy in their beds knowing that I am their rod and shepherd there to give comfort, succour and everlasting care through sickness and woe.
How did I do it? I hear you ask.
Simple really – I’ve found that the way to cure most state premiers is v. simple – you just chuck bucket loads of money at them til they say ‘yes’.
Personally, I never get sick (unlike my staff) – I simply don’t have time to be ill.
Sex is a different matter…
During really busy days (like everyday!) I find the best way to fit IT in is to be be really fast….
As you know, I work to a pretty tight timetable anyway – but under the REV DOCTOR KEV’S WORKING FAMILY SEXUAL REVOLUTION ACTION PLAN, I diarise two sexual delivery opportunities per day – two mins am and three mins pm (takes a little longer in the afternons).
And you know what?
I feel absolutely fantastic.
The Rev Dr Kev,
I know you’re tremendously excited making history (yet again) but may I remind you? – this is a family blog site NOT something which Mr Conroy would be well within his rights to ban if your net filtering thingo comes in…..
Having said that, throwing money (I actually prefer to call it ‘largesse’) at people is NOT a cheap tactic…..
Over the years I’d had six free trips to Fiji, 15 ‘gratis’ degustations at Tetsuyas – and nine bum lifts. ALL exchanges between equals – me and real gentlemen.
The personal is political ya know…..
Congratulations. KJ.
April 21st, 2010 at 4:58 pm
A bookshop – in MY suburb!
Just think what other shops will follow?
Cafes, MORE bookshops, expensive bistros, designer clothes boutiques, sourdough bread outlets……
My God!
There goes my neighbourhood!
Greek and loving it,
There you go again – exaggerations, outbursts of emotion grossly inappropriate to the situation at hand.
YOU know the reality – you’ll sell your modest abode for squillions and then buy up underdeveloped Greek Islands, turning them into playgrounds for the rich and repulsive. *Hippo and Aristippus have recently been listed.
*You may be interested to know that when Leeton’s first bookshop opened in 1970, ‘The Female Eunuch’ was the biggest seller by far. Bought by men who thought the title was a hoot. KJ.
April 21st, 2010 at 7:19 pm
* With thanks to Noel Gay and Ralph Butler.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run_Rabbit_Run
On the farm, Ev’ry Friday
On the farm, It’s Abbott pie day
So ev’ry Friday, that ever comes along
I get up early, And sing this little song…
Run, Abbott, run, Abbott, run, run, run,
Run, Abbott, run, Abbott, run, run, run….
Bang, bang, bang, bang! goes the farmer’s gun
Run, Abbott, run, Abbott, run, run, run…..
April 21st, 2010 at 7:27 pm
Hi Rev Kev,
I knew that being in this blog would pay off – EVENTUALLY!
Now that you’re fixing hospitals could you please do me a favour?
I have spent every Friday morning from 7.15 am (second in line average) till 9.30 am for the last eight weeks in my local hospital’s ‘Bone Clinic’……..
It’s not ER but it does have its dramas…..
NAMELY dozens of old people and kids tripping over each others’ casts and trying to squeeze past wheelchairs in between dashing out and moving vehicles to avoid parking tickets.
Yes, it’s very interesting (60 cripples by 8am).
My dad says be thankful we’re not in ……well overseas, but he’s NOT offering to take my nine-year-old son on Fridays.
There’s also a host of harried technicians yelling across the crowd:
‘Manssewyar Rahnzargee’, ‘MANSSEWYAR RAHNZARGEE’…….
Once I nearly said: ‘YES YES, I think I am Manssewyar …or at least of Arabic extraction’ just to get into the X-ray room.
Anyway I’m a bit sick of it…….
Do you think you could put MY concerns on the top of your list?
Greek and loving it,
I DO have experienced of overseas health facilities.
Many years ago I was in London with defacto number 14. And, as Hec would say, he wasn’t short of a bob.
Anyway, he had the worst case of dandruff EVER. So bad, I thought it was snowing in London – in July!
Because it was the right thing to do I went along as ‘dandruff carer’ for his appointment at an internationally recognised Dandruff Specialist who had rooms in Harley Street.
Everybody there – from the receptionist to the Dandruff Surgeon – was superb.
We left with a prescription for ‘Head And Shoulders’ shampoo and within days, defacto number 14 was cured!
KJ.
April 22nd, 2010 at 2:30 am
And now for something serious – even disturbing.
The Flare is back.
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/fashion/article7103115.ece
Dear Chadwick,
I like – No, LOVE – flares BUT they do come with their own PARTICULAR challenges….
Namely, the possibility that if you wear said flares two days in a row your previous day’s knickers (which have been lodged overnight in said flares) and NOT detected can SUDDENLY fall out the bottom of said flares.
Bosses don’t like it.
KJ.
April 22nd, 2010 at 11:33 am
Dearest Greek and loving it,
How many people can you cram into a room without suffocation?
The first time I went to the Bone Clinic I looked at the scene and said: ‘What on earth happened in this city last night?’
April 22nd, 2010 at 11:39 am
Greek and loving me,
Why peoples always call me MANSSEWYAR RAHNZARGEE?
Some nasty peoples claim I go to top of queue at Bone Clinic.
Not true.
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Lovely to hear from the Good Greek Folk of Australia….
They’re reaaallllly special, and definitely Ms Greek & Loving It – rest assured – you are my number ONE priority..
In fact I’m surprised we’ve not met already – as every day, in recent weeks, I’ve been popping into hospitals all over the country. I think a smiling face around the wards works wonders!
I spoke to my advisor Mr Siimon Smoothshanks who got very excited at the mention of a young sick child – he thinks it’d be absolutely terrific if your son could be photographed lying on a hospital bed – with a cute little smile on his face – with me leaning over him.
(BUT shot in a way that my caring face will be clearly visible to the good folk of Australia watching the event on prime time news).
I call that a win-win, don’t you?
How fortunate you’re not in Greece – the country is in terrible financial strife – even though they received the very best possible advice from Malcolm’s old merchant bank.
Look forward to meeting you and your son v. soon.
The Rev Doc Kev.
Dear The Rev Doc Kev,
Good move!
As history shows, the Greek electorate has been very good to Labor.
*Let’s just hope and pray that Greek and loving it’s dear son isn’t on the mend just yet. KJ.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:56 pm
The Rev Doc Kev,
Have you been told by adviser Mr Siimon Smoothshanks that you resemble A Certain Person from Nazareth?
April 24th, 2010 at 7:27 am
Dearest KJ,
That statistic, 3-4 intercourse days prior to ovulation, to produce a girl, makes me nervy (as you would say).
Particularly nervy, as I’m getting NONE!
Greek and loving it, I am so sorry to hear of your accident.
We have something in common … WARNINGS from KJ …… Your use of site for cheap twittering … Me? For use as a ‘pick up’ site. (Let’s forgive KJ).
Keep your stories coming Greek and loving it!
The Rev Dr Kev – NOT only are you a splendid statesman, but you ensure that the missus is happy.
Love to all the virile men in our beautiful blog,
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
I should tell you the ABC audience research people contacted me on Friday with the news that the the percentage of virile men using kerriejean.com was SO miniscule they couldn’t even get a valid sample.
* Our thoughts are with Greek and loving it today as she comes to terms with the humiliating confirmation that yes, she IS a basket case:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/04/23/2881717.htm
KJ.