Email to:The Big Lebowski Poem + Country Swingers’ Circles
*The Big Lebowski has been our poet-in-residence for more than four seasons (week in, week out actually). This is ‘Poem For Autumn’.
As the sun comes down
From the cloudless sky,
To end this peace-warmed,
Autumn day, a solitary fly:
Butterfly.
Seeks shelter in the avocado,
A princess on the fly.
A currawong sings above,
Its predatory and mournful song,
Cooo-rah-wong, Cooo-rah-wong,
(Missed out again! Dinner gone!)
Poor girl, you have flown so long,
A few more hours, minutes,
(whatever)
And you will lay your eggs.
Be dead and gone, lost forever.
But no, you leave me, great gifts.
Inherited innocence,
Sweet morsel of a soul.
Behind all this, an immortal dream.
Girl of my dreams that I had sought
in bars on buses on ferries on trains
on vacationless holidays
in the stars.
***********************(latest KJ post below)
Postmodernism? NO time for it.
There is Truth. And while Christian leaders indulged in unedifying s****fights over Easter I was endeavouring night and day to seek one:
Was Leeton Australia’s premier hot spot for ‘Swingers’ Circles’ in the sixties and seventies?
(*Dutch Swingers: 1964: Cr: National Archief, Netherlands: flickr)
Why now KJ, why the desperate need to answer this NOW?
Simple. Because Easter always sees me in a spin…….
One minute He’s having tea, then He’s fronting his best mate in the garden, then He’s in more trouble than Speed Gordon, then He’s dead, then He’s not…Oh boy, I’m exhausted….I need certainty…….best to concentrate on the Swingers’ bizzo……all right, ALL RIGHT I will….it might even be good for me….SO…..to work…….
It is often claimed – for three main reasons – that country towns produced far more Swingers per capita than city centres:
(1) Abject boredom. *Peaking during off footy season sizzling summers.
(2) Difficulty of conducting traditional extra-marital affairs. * ‘I’m not, NOT gunna pay 45 bucks for a night in Wagga – what’s wrong with Warren’s and your bed?’
(3) The perversion (by perverts) of the traditional culture of caring and sharing in tight knit communities.
(Note to self: Keep cool. No, NOT just cool. Get CLINICAL. Just because YOU abhor perversions - and perverts - of any kind, keep your tightly held moral code out of this. The FACTS please KJ, just THE FACTS….)
All right, ALL RIGHT these are THE FACTS……
Women (yes women) tucked up in the same bed every night with the same ‘Wazza’ ( well, not quite the same – marriage day 1967- 90 kilos, 10th marriage anniversary – 156 kilos) and who continually told their girlfriends that if Wazza died of a heart attack tomorrow they’d be off to Surfers for a week to celebrate WERE the folks who ran around naming alleged Swingers and their despicable set of behaviours.
According to these women (yes women) Swingers met at this or that house – addresses always provided – where husbands in leopard print G-Strings deposited car keys in tupperware lettuce spinners.
Then Swinging Hostesses – in black see through negligees purchased in Sydney – pushed the spinning mechanism.
After the keys - on key rings which clearly said things like ’Return to Barry’ or ‘ Terry’s Tune-Up Services’ or ‘I Love Pork’ - stopped spinning the men plunged their hands into the device, picked a key and WHAMMO – the wife of the owner of the key was theirs! *’On appro’ is probably more accurate.
What happened next – according to the Swinger whistleblowing women (yes women) was that Swinging couples adjourned to bedrooms where downright kinky acts took place. Kinky, kinky, KINKY! Particularly acts involving ingredients for the sacred ritual of crackle making: specificially copha, cooking chocolate and rice bubbles….
According to our informants, Swingers’ parties always ended in the same way.
Participants – initially resembling flushed crackles - frolicked under backyard sprinklers, got dressed and then carefully secreted their leopard print g-strings and see through negligees in the spare tyre compartments of family sedans. They then went home to their children.
UNTIL NEXT TIME…..
*I have reviewed all the evidence.
Was Leeton a seething haven of Swingers’ parties – with all their attendant gross distortions of what it is to REALLY love, to REALLY feel…?
YES.
********************************
*Controversial (maybe even hurtful to a lot of people) BUT I didn’t get into this business to pay the rent: I got into it to make a difference, tell the truth – however unpalatable that may be.
If you have any evidence of country people and their propensity to Swing please get in touch. *Protection of sources guaranteed.
And – do I need to even say it? – I’m looking forward to hearing from you about anything at all. You may think you’re life is small (even inconsequential) but I’m here to reassure: It ISN’T! So, post away – go on…!
All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.
Prawn Cutlet Award
April 5th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
When the seemingly inexplicable softball fad took off in Leeton a quarter of century or more ago – and the high school ovals were swarming every Saturday with people of both sexes in knee-length nylon trousers – there was a brace of married couples prominent in that ’sport’ who were rumoured to swing like a rusty gate.
Dear Roma Street,
Kinky game + kinky uniforms = (WITHOUT doubt!) SWINGERS.
*Is there NO end to their depraved (but ultimately self-defeating) attempts at camouflage? KJ.
April 5th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Hi KJ,
You know me – never one to draw attention to my self in a jockstrappy way – unlike Tony Six Pack whose life seems a perpetual search for another pic op.
But now my secret is out – a reptile from the Fairfax organisation has reported that under cover of darkness I too am a jock – powering along the deserted streets of Canberra before dawn, with no one for company but my faithful bodyguard. *You may have met him – he hails from Leeton.
I never wanted this to get out – AND I’ve been doing it long before Tony Six Pack became Opposition Leader…..
(Oh yes, The Rev Kev has a very tough exercise regime….)
The Fairfax hack who broke this world scoop reckoned that I train in the dark so the good people of Australia won’t think I’m copying Johnny Howard!
Fair crack of the sauce bottle!
Happy Easter KJ,
& God Bless Australia.
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
This is disturbing stuff – VERY.
Over the years I’ve been asked to interpret ‘characteristic’ writing styles/’characteristic’ means of expression when trusting people from all walks of life URGENTLY need to know just one thing: Have we got a Swinger on our hands?
I’ll let the people of Australia decide…….
*Gary Handjob (best rover the Leeton Redlegs ever produced).
*Spent Easter in the Southern Highlands region of NSW. *House full of well-worn lettuce spinners. KJ.
April 5th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
What is this?
WHAT IS THIS?
‘Varicose Veins And Venus’?
Dear The Dude,
No. It’s ‘Last Exit To Ardlethan’. KJ.
April 5th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
On second thoughts, is it ‘Story of O’?- ‘O’ for Orrigation Area, that is.
Dear The Dude,
No. It’s more along of ‘Little Swingers’ House On The Riverina Prairie.’ KJ.
April 5th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
May I pay tribute to the Fallen in Service, those of the Fellatio Parachutists Squadron (FPS) who gave their lives at Gestapo swinger parties in Berlin.
They were gender-free and gallant…..
Their duty was to use our Intelligence at Bletchley Park to discover the sexual proclivities of the Nazi upper echelon.
Their teeth were specially sharpened.
May they rest in peace, wherever they landed.
April 6th, 2010 at 12:35 am
You said you were were in group therapy.
Sure, it was ‘group’.
You were untrue to me.
I guess the tupperware said it all.
The catastrophe before it all.
Shadows On The Wall.
April 6th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Came downstairs as An Act Of Courage…..
Saw the posts about Swingers. I don’t think it’d be my scene.
When I was in the country people were good to me AND I always stayed upstairs.
Back to the man-eatin’ doona….
Dear The Knuckle,
Knowing what is your scene – and what is not – is a real sign of a man at peace with himself. KJ.
April 7th, 2010 at 5:56 am
As the sun comes down
From the cloudless sky,
To end this peace-warmed,
Autumn day, a solitary fly:
Butterfly.
Seeks shelter in the avocado,
A princess on the fly.
A currawong sings above,
Its predatory and mournful song,
Cooo-rah-wong, Cooo-rah-wong,
(Missed out again! Dinner gone!)
Poor girl, you have flown so long,
A few more hours, minutes,
(whatever)
And you will lay your eggs.
Be dead and gone, lost forever.
But no, you leave me, great gifts.
Inherited innocence,
Sweet morsel of a soul.
Behind all this, an immortal dream.
Girl of my dreams that I had sought
in bars on buses on ferries on trains
on vacationless holidays
in the stars.
(Ed’s note – We usually let the work of our poet-in-residence, The Big Lebowski, speak for itself. But may I say a little something this time? Bravo, Bravo!)
April 7th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Hi KJ,
I know you’ll share with me my sadness at the impending departure of Malcolm from the national stage. I know this ‘cos I remember how your blog was one of the first to recognise his enormous talents.
I must say if Malcolm had a problem – and I don’t think he did – it was that Theatre Australia was rather too small a venue for his fantastic mind!
Still, thank goodness the party has such a virile man’s man like Our Tony to lead us now…
I was watching him on TV only the other night with Tony Jones – the so called thinking woman’s crumpet, and I must say that of the two Tonys on display I know which one I like to have come round to my place and take me through his policies.
The King is Dead. Long Live the King!
Love & Kisses,
Libby.
Libby Pearls! Fantastic to hear from you….
Don’t worry too much about Malcolm – he (as geniuses often do) just flew too close to the Sun which is great experience for someone intending to make squillions out of gizmos to make the world sustainable.
I must say Tony Ab-Do-Man was 10/10 on ‘Q & A’…….
Fancy, just fancy, people wanting to drill him about Catholicism – EVEN wanting to know whether priests should be allowed to marry!
I had my head in a bowl of cheezels when that one lobbed in and I’ll never forget what Tony said: ‘Celibacy is a challenge.’
Well Libby, how honest can a politician get?!!
I thought it was refreshing……..
From one gal-about-town to another….cioux! KJ.
April 7th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
There are Government Departments to help people (like Malcolm) between jobs.
Dear The Dude,
Icarus will find try to find his own job – THANK YOU VERY MUCH! KJ.
April 8th, 2010 at 6:38 am
Re Malcolm.
Are we seeing the James Dean factor coming into play here?
Talk to me Father. Talk to me!
Coming to a Screen near you:
LIBERAL WITHOUT A CAUSE (Dendy)
April 8th, 2010 at 7:13 am
Hiya KJ,
I read your reply to my latest post – and it came to me in a flash:
CELIBACY CHALLENGE
….A fantastic idea for a new TV Reality Show.
In one room you have a practising male Christian on an exercise bike (I think a Catholic would work best) with a superb athlete’s body, and a wild gleam in his eye – in the other you have a beautiful woman (I think a Catholic would work best) on a running machine reading Jane Austen.
The wall separating them is made of glass…
The whole joint would be wired for sound with CCTV running 24/7. The 10 commandments would be prominently displayed on walls in both rooms…
The couple can only have physical contact at certain times and under certain extremely strict conditions.
OK, there’s much more to come – clearly a work in progress – but I can tell you this: Your MD Mr Mark Scott is extremely interested.
(I was a bit worried about whether it’d fit under the ABC Charter: He said: ‘Charter Farter!’)
AND he invited me to workshop the whole concept at a Christian business leaders weekend escape retreat THIS weekend.
God I’m excited!
I’ll keep you posted.
Hugs & Kisses,
Libby.
P.S What should I wear?
My, my Libby Pearls – what will you come up with next?
Having said that what a super idea! (And watch out everyone at ‘Delicious’ – you’re about to get a real lesson in what it takes to garner the contemporary Australian magazine market with the launch of ‘CC’).
*What should you wear?
From my experience The Devil ALREADY wears Target daaarling……..
From one gal-about-town to another. KJ.
April 8th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
I got up this morning and cleaned my teeth with a walnut leaf……
Until an Australian Prime Minister knows what that means for a Greek woman this country has nothing for me.
Dear Greek and loving it,
Oh my, the ideas are flowing thick and fast in here today – I LOVE it when it’s like this.
HAVING SAID THAT, I nearly deleted you because I thought you were spam – some kind of crazy purveyor of natural therapies polluting this site.
THEN my research showed that indeed the leaf of the walnut tree was used as a teeth cleaner in Greek villages of long ago.
NOW, before you get even more worked up – and keep throwing bombs into the gentle pool that is our immigration debate – you may be interested to know this…..
For HER dental hygiene needs (and yes, doesn’t she have an impeccable smile?) Therese Rein uses gum leaves.
KJ.
April 8th, 2010 at 7:06 pm
Dear Libby Pearls,
In case you are interested:
Gorillas do NOT swing. They stay with their own mob.
Their leader, a male, is a silverback weighing 200 kg.
Research (wiki) shows that, contrary to public perception, they do engage in face to face sex. They also use tools and go fishing.
The rise of a silverback to leadership is an interesting process.
If you invite one to dinner (they are 99 per cent related in DNA) they are VEGETARIAN, as I discovered when visiting a Colony in Leeton.
Dear The Dude,
Sorry, but I do NOT believe you…..
Vegetarians NEVER get dinner invites in Leeton. KJ.
April 9th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
Dear KJ and friends,
One minute I’m off on a exciting sabbatical in China researching what Chinese diabetics told their doctors during the Cultural Revolution and now this…
Swingers!
Boy. I never knew. So busy, so busy…….
I have some news here. My office move to the landing – just near the student lounge – is proving worse than I imagined.
Just think, every time I go (or return from) the University Gym I’m in danger of being seen, bailed up for an extension – or even worse a consultation.
I think someone is out to get me but who? Who? BTW KJ your comments can be pretty amusing sometimes!
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Here’s MY hypothesis on what Chinese diabetics told their doctors during the Cultural Revolution – that they were tired, urinating frequently and quite possibly had a history of diabetes in their families long before the Revolution. Do let me know if your research proves my hypothesis correct.
A little secret – lots of ABC people go to the gym every day. They come back to work in all sorts of states – some quite inappropriate to contemporary workplaces – NAMELY: semi-nakedness overlayed with the characteristic odours marking physical exertion. KJ.
April 9th, 2010 at 11:39 pm
There’s always a dame, kiddo…..
But dames?
One dame at a time, please.
I have begun investigations at Art’s Bar & Grill, Leeton, and will report soon.
Art’s always singing ‘It Don’t Mean a Thing, ef it Aint Got That Swing’.
I do not think Art means the same thing, if you catch my drift, kiddo.
Mister Barlowe,
You ain’t got no right ta come in here – and cast ASS-per-shuns on Art.
He’s bin good ta me – and I ain’t the only dame that’ll tell ya the same.
KJ.
April 11th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
Like a mouse on a prayer wheel,
Gettin’ tired of the grind,
Lookin’ for the cotton reel,
You were always on my mind…….