Email to:KJ Stripped Bare! + Tour Schedule!
KJ’s OFFICIAL RIVERINA TOUR SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED!
(If you haven’t read the story at the end of this schedule please do so in the interests of comprehension)
Official Schedule:
Friday June 4th – 8:30am. Flight: Air Valium, Sydney-Wagga Wagga.
Arrive Wagga Wagga 9:30am: Detox. Hire car to Holbrook. Secret (recorded) counselling session with resident Sister of St Joseph.
Friday, June 4th, 6pm. Triumph entry into Leeton. Ceremonial Booze Bus escort. Prawn Cutlet Reception, Leeton RSL.
Sat, June 5th, 11pm. Six-hour Pine Avenue traditional lapping session in pink 1982 Holden panel van. *Official Cystic Fibrosis Rally car no 181.
Sun, June 6th, 1pm. Historic (for gender reasons) raid on the Leeton-Whitton Crows Australian Rules Football Club’s ’rub down’ and pre-match hype up sheds - Leeton Showgrounds.
Sunday, June 6th, 2pm. Front row deluxe grandstand seat (cushion provided), Leeton-Whitton Crows V Narrandera Imperial Eagles.
Sun, June 6th, 10pm. ‘Leeton By Night’ - Roo Shooting, Brobenah Hills.
Tuesday, June 8th, 10:30 am. Full-body waxing session, full-body body piercing, full-body Juju Bed toxin removal, Tresses Salon, Pine Avenue Leeton.
Wednesday, June 8th: 3:oopm. Flight: Air Valium, Wagga Wagga-Sydney. Detox.
* Just in: The Rev Kev releases KJ tour statement (see comments section).
* Pre Schedule Release Story below…..
It’s pathetic – even criminal – when self-obsession gets the upper hand.
Truly, I cannot believe I ever wrote this:
Kerrie Jean desperately wants you to participate in this blog.
At this time of life, another failure could be catastrophic. (September, 2008)
(KJ: ‘I am willing to strip myself bare…’ credit: Tracey Trompf)
Looking back, how silly, how childish because Boy O Boy have I got news!
Simply put, I am in receipt of a Highly Stimulatin’ Development Package from ABC Management. It’s a ‘no strings’ proposition and (just quietly) comes at the end of a ‘take no prisoners’ dog-eat-dog competitive process.
Beat that!
If I felt like it, I could build a new ‘Kerriejean.com Trans Fat Tuckshop’ at Leeton Primary School, I could a fund a Grong Grong bolt hole for my lesbian lover - or I could blow taxpayers’ monies on a couple of vials of botox or derma filler.
*Ed’s note: Just so you know I’m not kidding, I did secretly self-fund three vials of derma filler three months ago.
For the record – and if you’re a case of ‘derma filler just waiting to happen’ - the sixteen 52-centimetre-long pre derma filler face deadening needles going right through my right lower cheek and emerging out the other did hurt a bit.
But still, no pain, no gain.
In fact, so natural, so non-intrusive was my $1200 worth of Australian made derma filler, no one noticed any difference. And that’s what you want, is it not?
Anyway, now is now and (can you believe it?) on Friday I’ll be jetting to the Riverina with a full set of jowls, a producer with more laughter lines than Charlie Chaplin - and enough hard cash to stay in whatever motels we want within a 1098 kilometre radius of Wagga Wagga.
Pacific Rim populace – in unison:
What for? It’s afterall my money you’re playing with? [I knew this'd come up, I just knew it.....sigh, sigh, sigh]
‘ALL RIGHT, steady on….to…to….to…bloody well collect what we call in the business ‘material’ for a groundbreaking on-airable, podcastable, on- lineable, twatable, facebookable, multi-platformable, demountable, Walkley Awardable COMEDY series.’
Thank you KJ, but I’m NOT convinced…..
Maybe you just wanna get outta town?
……Things a ‘little hot’ presently? Got a meta-narrative? Got a through line? Got ANYTHING on paper?
‘Thank you for asking Pacific Rim populace. Just so happens I do…….[sigh, sigh, sigh]
The meta-narrative is that I’ve never understood why most Australians don’t think about - let alone have real affection - for Leeton.
So, I’m going to emotionally (and physically) strip myself naked in an attempt to discover whether my enduring – even crazed love – is based on cheap nostalgia or something much more…….’
……Perhaps even – from teenagehood - my pathological inability to create a new and viable adult life…..
(Oh God, oh God, I’ve said it).
So confronting is all this, the other day I broke down in my producer’s arms:
I truly don’t mind being stripped bare at every turn, but I fear peeling myself back only to find – like a cling peach on a canning line - that I have no core.
Producer: Shut up KJ! Even if you don’t conclude you’ll go back to Leeton to live, would you consider going there to die…?
God, this is hard. But I if I continue to peel myself back just a little every day, things could work out…..
So, while I write – freezing in just my sports brassiere and cottontails - this is what I’ve (potentially) got lined (potentially) up (potentially) thus far……
*Brazilian wax (Friday). Producer: Good work! I’m surprised you found someone to do it.
*Trip to Griffith to find someone to help me get back the $1200 dollars I blew on the derma filler (Tuesday).
*Visit to the Leeton-Whitton Crows dressing shed (Sunday). I sidled in there once as a teenager when post-match ’rubbing down’ was underway – only to be told that if I ever did it again, police would be called.
….I’d like to know, HAVE to know, whether things have changed re Riverina spatial gender relations.
What YOU can do to help with this project:
*Pray that the prop jet makes it to Wagga Wagga and that I keep my traditional in-flight valium dose right on the knife edge that is just between comatose and a panic induced front page making in-flight incident.
*Tell everybody that KJ is striking a blow for women of a certain age and it’d be a crying shame if she peeled herself right back to her very core – and no-one gave a damm.
Finally, everyone can look forward to hearing from (and seeing a lot more of) my new manager, Jim. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. I don’t think I could live with myself if I ruined that.
******So, a very special day for kerriejean.com, particularly when it comes to value adding. All reports from your patch welcome, plus the EXTRA pressure of suggestions for THE project. This is what you do:
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Prawn Cutlet Award
May 31st, 2010 at 12:17 pm
[Late breaking chook anecdote]
When I was a young tack growing up west of the Riverina, I used to attend to my lovely chooks in their chookshed, appropriately placed behind the mine shaft in the back yard.
One year, after a visit to the coast, my beloved chooks had to have their heads chopped off. Because my parents told me they were very sick. I thought this was fair enough. I even helped my dad gut one. (Can still remember the smell).
Anyway, years later they told me by beloved hens had gone off the lay. That’s why they died. Not because they were sick. I am now a chicken activist.
Dear Mrs T,
Thank you. As someone who is attempting to strip themselves naked, I can really identify with your pain.
I also suspect you may be the Riverina’s only chicken activist. It must be lonely sometimes – activating for chickens when frozen chickens are one of region’s biggest industries.
Chicken activist, I’d love to meet you on my upcoming visit. I realise what a difficult position you’re in. Your confidentiality will be respected.
KJ.
May 31st, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Are you going anywhere near Collingullie or Gumly Gumly or Lockhart?
Dear Greek and loving it,
I remember you once reported that – for some years some years ago – you shared a caravan and several kelpies with a beautiful man in Collingullie.
I am pleased to tell you that I won’t be missing Collingullie because it’s right on the highway enroute from Wagga Wagga to Leeton.
I know it well – a lovely hamlet with a shop cum servo, pub and red brick motel with (I’ve been told) televisions and jugs in every suite.
I will also be in Gumly Gumly – on the outskirts of Wagga Wagga next Tuesday, participating in a public derma filler debate. I will be telling Gumly Gumly women: ‘No no, derma filler, derma filler.’
I am crazy about Lockhart, known worldwide as ‘The Verandah Town’. People should know that I’m not speaking of domestic patios or decks but a whole main street with its historic shop verandahs intact. Whowoulddathought?
KJ.
May 31st, 2010 at 2:37 pm
I’m goin’ down south,
To the countryside,
I’m goin’,
I’m smilin’,
Like a country bride.
I’m goin’ there to seek my ease,
I’m going,
Coz I feel good inside.
May 31st, 2010 at 5:40 pm
I don’t want be a wet blanket KJ but I think you may be placing undue trust in the climate and the inhabitants of Leeton. Perhaps your memories of what it is really like have acquired a too warm and rosy tinge.
If you a planning to strip naked in Leeton, in June, in front of a group of Riverina chicken activists don’t you think the unavoidable similarity of your bare derma filler enforced flesh to the plucked and dressed product of the local industry might too much for them to bare and lead to uncontrolled outpourings hysteria and days of violent demonstrations in Pine Avenue.
Not to mention the very real risk to your fragile ego of unkind references to old boilers that may emanate from the uncouth mouths of the current crop of ricefarmers’ sons from Stanbridge and Murrami.
They haven’t changed KJ.
They may be importing basmati rice from Pakistan and packaging it as Sunwhite but deep down they are still the same.
Dear Old College Day Bum,
If ever there was a case of a person having, just HAVING to be ‘cruel to be kind’ this is it!
And Old College Bum I thank you for that.
HOWEVER, I have a ticket to fly to Wagga Wagga on Friday and fly I must….
I have a booking with a rental car company and rent I will….
I have a date with the Riverina’s only chicken activist and honour that date I most CERTAINLY will – meeting between the glorious Walter Burley Griffin Water Towers (Chelmsford Place) at precisely 2am, Monday.
Firstly, I will ask the chicken activist: can YOU tell I’ve had three vials of derma filler?
After that, we will drive through the empty streets of Leeton speaking of mysterious things past.
And as the sun rises, I will thank the chicken activist for the time spent together.
AND I know that when I return to Gwennie still in my childhood home on the avenue, I will have gone at least part way to finding my core…..and answering THAT question?
Is there anything here for me?
* If there’s anyone in Leeton who you think I really SHOULD have a chat to, please report back.
KJ.
June 1st, 2010 at 10:13 am
The Nation’s eyes are upon you KJ.
The moment, when you tell an aged nun that you cannot stop for long because you are on your way to get a Brazilian, time will stand still.
I must caution you, and refer you to the Encyclical, Non Pubis Peccatorum Est.
Dear Chadwick,
My parting words will be: God Bless You Sister and remember ‘Non Pubis Peccatorum Est’.
KJ.
June 1st, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Nil shavus non slavus, KJ.
June 2nd, 2010 at 11:24 am
(Good luck KJ – Reminds me of the theme from South Park)
I’m goin’ down to South Park,
Gonna have myself a time.
Friendly faces everywhere,
Humble folks without temptation.
Goin’ down to South Park,
Gonna leave my woes behind.
Ample parking day or night
People shouting Howdy Neighbour……
Heading on up to South Park.
Gonna see if I can’t unwind……etc, etc.
Dear The Dude,
Yes, yes, YES! In Leeton, there is ample parking day and night and – swear to God – I intend to get a cut of it. KJ.
June 2nd, 2010 at 2:50 pm
KJ, I am so pleased that the ABC has at last recognised your talent and is actually paying you to produce an affordable, multi-platform comedy series using UGC.
And the timing couldn’t be better because I am just about to take my mid year eight-week non-teaching slip and slop out of the tutorial room.
Do you need a researcher?
I know something about Kelpies and a lot about audience theory (which you might need, let’s face it).
How about it?
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Thank you. All tied up on the UCG front. All clear on the audience theory front: ‘produce it and they will come.’ KJ.
June 2nd, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Oh Oh…and are you thinking of visiting the Cocoparra National Park? Over 450 plant species are recorded within the park and it’s a habitat for a large grey kangaroo population.
No. But will be going spotlighting on Monday evening in the unprotected wilds that are the Brobenah Hills – part of my ‘Leeton By Night’ segment. KJ.
June 2nd, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Yes, when you drive through Collingullie could you please stop at the shop (there’s only one) and ask if the farmers round that way still have a thing about women.
Dear Greek and loving it,
Sure can. ‘May I pay you for this Gaytime kind sir and while I have your attention, do the farmers around here still have a thing about women?’
Easy. KJ.
June 2nd, 2010 at 9:52 pm
Parking? Did someone say parking?
Remember when Cool Hand Luke was asked why he was cutting the heads off parking meters.
Luke: Small town, not much to do in the evenin’.
June 3rd, 2010 at 7:50 am
Carnt help congratulating you, Miss KJ, for actually planning to leave the office.
I know your boss, young Mr Mark, is so besotted with journalism that at the last count he had 1,000 hacks on the ABC’s books, but I’m beginning to wonder how many of them ever dare to actually stop staring at computer screens at HQ and venture out into the real world.
As a dear and now departed veteran reporter friend of mine once confided at the club very late one night: ‘No one goes out any more. No one knocks on doors.’
God Speed. Good Luck & God Help Leeton.
I remain,
The Old Carnt.
PS: Don’t forget to pack a tennis racket….can come in very handy in ticklish social situations on the road, and is a great way of making friends and meeting people.
Dear The Old Carnt,
I know what you mean…..
I haven’t left my office for 16 years and, just between you and me and the tennis racket, this is all quite overwhelming.
Still, people are people and I’m praying they haven’t changed much in 16 years. A journalist who HAD been out in the field ONCE in 2006 assured me yesterday that people were indeed still people – except for climate change adaptations like softer footprints and gills.
Here’s hoping. KJ.
June 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 am
Hi KJ
I agree – we should all get out and about a lot more. You’ll certainly be seeing much more of Yours Truly around Parish Australia in the coming months.
Can I just say?
Before you set out, please take heed of all Government Travel warnings and other messages put out on behalf of the electorate of Australia by our Public Information people in Canberra.
For verily, as it is written:
Thou Shalt Not Advertise With Public Monies,
Unless Big Fat Miners Tell Awful Porkies,
Especially In An Election Year
(source:The Book of Kevs – The Sermon on the Small Mount. Ch 12. v13-14)
Amen.
God Speed and God Bless,
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Sure, I’m spending (quite) a bit of taxpayers’ money, sure some people will ask questions (sigh, sigh, sigh) BUT I’ve got a national emergency on my hands…..
For years I’ve been trying to correct persistent, grossly inaccurate and cruel comments made about the Nationals held federal seat of Riverina.
NOW, I have been granted a great privilege: to set the record straight.
And set it straight I will – via the collection of joyous material provided by honest people.
AND, if anyone has a problem with this they can see me out the back of the Leeton-Whitton Crows Australian Rules Football Club drsssing sheds, 1pm Sunday.
Thank you. KJ.
June 3rd, 2010 at 12:57 pm
Dearest KJ,
On behalf of all true blue, red blooded women of Australia, please pull all strings possible and give us any news re: Harry’s Groin.
A Nation awaits.
Worriedly Yours,
Libby Pearls (Miss)
PS (1) Urgent you post any developments soonest – I’m due on the first plane out of Perth of Joberg tomorrow a.m.
PS (2) When flying to Leeton, always remember to ask for an upgrade. If you put your request in the right way, you’ll get some surprising results!
Dear Libs,
From my experience of groin injuries, there’s only TWO possible outcomes – they fix themselves spontaneously or professionals have to be brought in.
It’s always a joy to see a groin injury fix itself spontaneously……
Unfortunately, I suspect that we are way past the ’spontaneous’ option in Harry’s case. It will have to be professionally fixed asap.
I just love upgrades. Last time I flew to Leeton, I asked attendant Justin (midflight) whether I could be seated a little further away from the propeller. He said: ‘No worries.’
KJ.