Email to:Winter: The Season Of Fire Content…
Last night, I dreamt I was back in Mrs R’s winter parlour.
So good it was I awoke this morning with that tell tale residue of contentment on my pillow - Dribble, Dribble, Dribble……
The scene, the Dribble Driver?
Five girls and Mrs Ross, Leeton’s answer to Mrs Bennet only without the pride, without the prejudice.
In the parlour, Mrs Ross (in modest sleep attire) is propped up in her purple lounge chair (with faux gold legs) just to the side of the colossal fireplace.
(Cr: KayVee.INC: flickr)
She’s busy.
Between doing running repairs on the pink, blue and yellow plastic rollers dotting her skull, she’s on high fire alert.
NO need to remind her the Riverina has the most dangerous (read ‘driest’) domestic fossil fuels in Australia.
No need at all. For during the harsh winters, Mrs R is known as Leeton’s niftiest one-officer domestic fire fighting unit.
Come late May, Captain Mrs R is putting the finishing touches on her parlour fire plan: one enamel water bucket (full), one poker, one huge square of already burnt out carpet overlayed on the ‘good stuff’ and one old rubber soled slipper.
Come early June, the fireplace is in full swing. No one hears the television as blocks of rare red river gum explode, propelling showers of big cinders (Grade: ’Catastrophic’) straight over the grate.
Captain Mrs R’s five girls do not react. They’re in various states of petulant teenager repose – their fire resistant flannelette pyjamas covered by jaunty fire attractant poly vinyl dressing gowns .
Ugly exemplars of ‘Every Girl For Herself’.
So, it’s Captain Mrs R who’s (again) putting herself on the line for her hysterical ne’r-do-wells who (all of a sudden) are yelling and swearing and pushing each other into the parlour spot fires.
And our Captain faces hard decisions that no one should ever have to make. Like:
* Should the ONE rubber-soled slipper be used NOW on the spot fire threatening the HMV TV? (rosewood cabinet, sourced in Perth, transported to the parlour long before the Nullabor was sealed….)
*Should the ONE bucket of water be used NOW on the Riverina’s most foul tempered pet, Bindi Boo Major, who (as usual) had been basking flat out (Portugese chicken style) far too close to the furnace? He’s taking the worst cinder hits. Gone ballistic.
And most worrying of all……
*Should our adrenaline-driven Captain be concerned about what she THINKS is the terrible smell of melting plastic on her person? Could it be that a cinder has lodged in a roller and is doing its foul and dangerous work?
This is a potentiality that CANNOT be contemplated……
So, while her brood continues to humiliate itself with selfish, anti-cinder-defeating bleatings – ’Am I on fire?’, ‘Am I on fire?’, ’Am I on fire?’ ’Git away’, ‘GIT AWAY’! – Captain Mrs R commands:
‘Get these rollers out of my hair, get them out. NOW!!.’
It is as if time stops.
And then, the n’er-do-wells start acting like the tight firefighting unit Captain Mrs R had always prayed for.
Knowing that what they’re about to do will hurt their Captain – but knowing that it has to be done – has imbued a sense of purpose, even maturity.
Within eight seconds, there’s a pile of plastic rollers on the fire floor.
And with eyes still bulging with pain, the Captain goes to work like never before.
Within three crucial minutes, Leeton’s most lusted after television has been saved (slipper work), all spot fires have been extinguished (slipper and bucket work), a singed Bindi Boo Major is back to his usual foul self and only one of the fire attractant dressing gowns has been rendered no longer fit for personal use (duster bag material).
The fire Captain assumes her possie.
And we are warm against the freezing temperatures that are the hallmark of the Murrumbigee Irrigation Area, NSW.
*********************************************************
Isn’t it a shame that people don’t have raging open parlour fires anymore?
Apparently, the last bastion is Launceston. But, I seem to remember reading that authorities want to stop the fun because of air quality or somesuch. One thing I can tell you. When Captain Mrs R finally succumbed to the power and mystery of THE oil burner (her nerves finally went) things just weren’t as cosy.
So, love to hear about your winter domestic firefighting activities…..or perhaps you had (or have) other equally powerful family rituals that made (make) you feel loved and cosseted…….
And, as we all know, it’s a ‘free-for-all’ in here – a heady mix of the personal, the political - and sometimes, just meaningless tilts towards gross stupidity. Bravo!
All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it
Prawn Cutlet Award
May 10th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
I’ve never set the joint on fire per se, but I did once go out lapping for about five hours on a Friday night, forgetting all about the frozen Papa Guiseppe’s ham and pineapple pizza that I’d put in the oven.
I had some explaining to do re the smoky vibe of the place when the parental units arrived home, since I’d begged off attending a tiresome sporting presentation night with them on the grounds of the mountain of HSC study that I had to stay home and plough through.
Dear Roma Street,
Lapping for FIVE hours, lying about same – and all the while the Papa Guiseppe burned…..
This is Riverina teenage audacity of the highest order!
But I forgive you.
* Anyone knows that a lapping session of anything less than five hours is a total waste of time. KJ.
May 10th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Did the five Ross girls wear bonnets in the parlour?
Dear The Dude,
Only the prettiest of them all, Julie-Ellen, wore a bonnet. It was asbestos lined. KJ.
May 10th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Osama bin Laden?
His jokes,
Too value laden.
Catherine Deveny?
Made Logie jokes,
And spent a penny.
Andrew Bolt?
Called on Heaven,
To send a jolt.
Neil Mitchell?
Called on Hell,
To ring its bell.
The Age?
Consummate in rage,
Sacked the sinner,
A freelance sage.
WHY?
Because a silly titter,
Went around The Table,
And became a Twitter.
And all the while,
The Crocodile,
Looks at Bindi
Then at Rove.
And is all smiles.
He’s the one,
What gets the jokes.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/05/05/2890855.htm?site=thedrum
May 10th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Dear KJ and posters,
First week as C of C (Clerk of Correspondence for those NOT in the know).
Of note: The Big Lebowski (last thread) got stung by a ‘City of Gonads’. Condolences man, but could’ve been worse – A (’Gonads’) MURDER OF CROWS.
(*Love those plural/noun thingos)
KJ, dribbling may be a sign of contentment. Others like Greek and loving it, will tell you that, in your case, it is a sign of LUNACY. (I have my phalanx ready to smite)
A C of C suggestion: Perhaps your could extend your ’sibling’ literary reference beyond Jane Austen …. the Mitford sisters’ alternative, maybe.
KJ had not a farm in Grong Grong but – a telly! Granny told me that two films played o’er and o’er … ‘The Dam Busters’ and ‘Bridge Over The River Kwai’. Same in your parlour?
Did you (also like my Granny) cover all mirrors in black cloth during lightning strikes?
* Sorry. My (honorary C of C) position has swollen me head – promise to get back to normal.
Fanny.
Dear C of C,
Nice (unpaid) work.
Yes. We all enjoyed ‘The Dam Busters’ on an MTN 9 (Murrumbidgee Television) loop.
No. Captain Mrs R did NOT put black fabric over our windows. NO ONE ever thought the Airlines of NSW big Fokker yellow canary which flew over our parlour twice a day was going to drop a bomb.
The Mitford Sisters? Well, for start, there were SIX. And I don’t think Hec would have been too chuffed if one of his lovely girls had come home with the news she’d fallen for Hitler (a la Unity M).
HAVING SAID THAT, thank God the Ross sisters NEVER had to compete with the Mitfords for the title of ‘Belle Of The Leeton Debs’.
KJ.
May 11th, 2010 at 7:34 am
Hi KJ,
The early bird always catches the worm so I’m posting prior to leaving for my workplace.
Congratulations to Fanny for assuming the prestigious position of C of C.
(Loyal correspondent, MM, may have recently been under the threat of a kerriejean.com ban (yikes!) but is still willing to take up a voluntary site position (Head of Morals Sub-Committee?) if the need arises.
I am still upset that The Big Lebowski attacked vital anatomical parts (gonads).
AND I’m just NOT allowed to go over to his place, and offer some counselling, even healing.
KJ (and I must say this even under the threat of sanction) I find your attitude to HELPING quite out of character…..YOU being so giving, so selfless!
Love to you KJ (but especially TBL)
Marry Me.
Marry Me,
Our poet-on-residence, TBL (like all creative people) craves freedom. Without it (like all creative people) he’ll be walking aimlessly around his (sunlit) studio crying out: ‘ I feel nuffink, I write nuffink…….I am DYINK, I am DYINK!’
* There’s NO way you’re going anywhere near that (sunlit) studio! KJ.
May 11th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Five girls, Mrs Bennet, Captain Mrs Ross – and THE Darcy…..
May I confess?
There is a part of me, a portion of my soul that in my imagination breasts the surf, swims through shark-infested waters to rescue the victim of The Great White and stems the blood with his white even teeth, and afterwards allows the man’s fiance to sob on his broad, bronzed chest, and comforts her later in the surf club, and he picks up his guitar, sings rugby songs without causing offence, then dives again to bring home morwong and schnapper from his spearfishing for all to feed upon on the barbecue he has prepared, and nobody gets a parking ticket because he is the copper who never made an arrest but drove them home.
Mr Chadwick,
So tight is my bodice from breathin’ hard I fear it may burst apart, and I’ll laugh at my immodesty and townsfolk will say I am, unlike my bodice, ‘loose’, but I won’t care a bit, because I am the bodice wearer who never knocked back a caress and drove it home. KJ.
May 11th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Top Priority.
Campaign to form Riverina Swingers’ Batallion to bring world peace in big trouble.
Being held hostage by a transvestite who wants to take over recruitment.
G.I.N German
May 12th, 2010 at 6:35 am
Boy did that bring back memories….
Early mornings down to the river, looking for fallen trees and urging the trusty chainsaw into action.
City girls may not realize the appeal of a winter clad man with his trusty Stihl Farm Boss, about to launch into an orgy of noise, woodchips flying and the smell of two stroke fumes permeating the forest…..
Dear Stoney Point,
They may have not BUT they do now: ‘City sales of the Stihl Farm Boss set to soar: council authorities increase security at parks and gardens.’
One thing…….looking for FALLEN trees? Sissies! KJ.
May 12th, 2010 at 7:10 am
Dear KJ,
A late night call from my good friend Gordie (luckily I was awake, but as you know I rarely sleep, and when I do, it’s like Billy The Kid with one eye open) reminded me that nothing is forever.
I think Gordie, while packing up at Number 10, had had a few wee drams……
Because normally he’s a pretty stitched up Scottish Dude not given to outward displays of emotions.
We both had a little weep, and yes, agreed we’d made mistakes and that achieving the highest office in the land is a humbling experience.
Diplomatic confidentiality forbids me from disclosing the entire nature of our discourse, but suffice to say that – between the odd sob – Gordie congratulated yours truly for his huge contributions towards financial stability, environmental sustainability and world peace.
Rest assured Miss KJ, you and your family will never go cold as long as The Rev Kev’s in The Lodge….
So……..please throw another log on the fire, BUT in the interests of environmental responsibility make sure the log’s not too large.
And if uncertain about correct log sizes please consult the Department For The Environment’s website for details – it’s a fun read under the heading:
DON’T BE A DOG: CHOOSE THE RIGHT LOG!
I remain,
The Rev Here to Stay Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Glad that Gordie took your call because I’ve been so worried about him…..
He’s never had (how to describe it?) a perky bloom but now…..he looks like he’s been exhumed.
As for the other two?
Well, I’ve seen the likes of them around Leeton – sons of rice farmers striding back into town on hols from posh boarding schools – huffing and puffing down Pine Avenue because NO ONE stocks the right size moleskins.
Sorry if I sound like an Old Bigot but the truth will always out…..
*Couldn’t help but notice that during Swannie’s Budget Speech last night, you were kept firmly OUT of the telly frame. Sad really….
KJ.
May 12th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
(With apologies to The Big Lebowski)
Even Termites
Get Frost Bite
In Winter.
Even Termites
Get Chillblains
When It Rains.
Even Termites
Rug up
Like A Bug
(In Winter).
May 12th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Dear Doctor The Rev Kev,
What would Turgenev
Have said?
Was this election,
The one to lose?
Is Gordie’s party,
Crackin’ open the booze?
No longer a question,
Of Us and Them,
But PM the Posh
And a gormless Lib Dem.
The result?
No Clegg over,
For being Cameron’s Fag,
Despite all the Sentiment,
Will sag, sink and fail,
Beneath the bourgoise Sediment.
For this ‘marriage of true minds’,
Is based on truer Impediment,
(Which is)
The grocer’s daughter,
Or Oxbridge chinless wonder,
Will lead the workers,
To slaughter.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/05/12/david-cameron-and-nick-clegg-s-marriage-of-conveniance-will-end-in-divorce-115875-22251671/
May 12th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
By Christ did someone mention Turgenev?
‘Yes, yes, began Piotr Gavrilovitch; those were were painful days…..and I would rather not recall them…But I have made you a promise; I shall have to tell you the whole story.’
It could be you hey KJ
Yes Greek and loving it, it could very well be me…..
But exactly WHAT painful days to tell you about – there have been so many. An Unhappy Girl.
May 13th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Woh-ho-oh-oh…
When my ba-a-aby (when my baby)
When my baby smiles at me I go to Rio,
Rio Tinto.
I’m a Salsa fellow-ow,
When my baby smiles at me,
The sun’ll lightens u-up my li-ife,
And I am free at last, what a blast!
You can take my iron ore,
That’s what Globalism’s for,
(Woh-ho-oh-oh in Rio Tinto)
Tony Abbott takes a chance,
Riding high upon his pinto,
(Ten Cents a Dance)
May 13th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Dear The Ginger Man,
You have my unequivocal support.
A Riverina Swingers’ Batallion to bring about world peace in troubled times, is a big ask.
But, if anyone can do it, it’s YOU my man.
I trust The Chief Monk and Try Do will raise the ransom for your release from the clutches of the Trannie who wants your gig.
If this is not possible then our ‘Living, Loving, Leaning’ community WILL dig deep.
Godspeed The Ginger Man.
The Comer.
May 13th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Dear KJ,
Just off the phone to my newest friend Dave, who’s moving into No 10…..he’s very informal for a Tory – in no time I was calling him Davo……
….I told him I’m always good for a pic op if he fancies coming down to oz – and y’know what? Davo’s interested. Very interested – he said it could be a ‘new’ way of doing ‘new’ politics!
Dave said he’d been to see Liz. Took his wife along to Buck House – turns out her family used to own the joint!
The Rev Kev.
Dear The Rev Kev,
Gee, you’re impressive…….one minute you’re telling Kerry O’B what’s what and the next, you’re in superb statesman mode: exploring the FOURTH way with Davo.
Now, a word of advice (if you don’t mind).
HOLD BACK on the invitations for newly elected leaders of POWERFUL states to drop in on you and Therese. They’re very, very busy. You don’t want to be the first leader of The Pacific bloc to have an international AVO slapped on him….no you DO NOT.
KJ.
May 13th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
Dear The Comer,
I have torn myself away from the potential recruit who works both sides of the battlefield, but I am afraid that people who are addicted to pina colada (with umbrellas) are not officer material.
The lad-ladette tried to make a case of suitability for Any Occasion.
The Riverina Swingers’ batallion WILL bring peace to the world.
Thank you for your support.
May 14th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
The Rev Kev,
Noted is the fact that the first thing that happened in the new ConLibDem government in the UK was what? Development of multicultural Britain? Solar Power? Removal of unfair wealth distribution? Alternative energy?
As the Chief Monk would say, nosireebobtruedat.
The first thing Britain’s new MPs are being taught is how to do their expenses.
They held a press conference to show how Commons freshers will learn, on their free laptops, how to claim cash from taxpayers.
It seems to this The Dude that the nosebag wins every time.
May 15th, 2010 at 12:56 am
Oh, Belinda,
Beautiful you are,
When you’re Mad.
(Even when fingers
On the Twitter linger)
Oh, Belinda,
You’re Beautiful, yes,
You’re lovely when you’re,
Mad.
You go straight for the Twitter Touch,
(Or hate the waiter very much)
Belinda the Red Hot Cinder,
Beautiful when you’re Mad…….
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/05/14/2900010.htm
May 16th, 2010 at 9:34 am
Came downstairs As An Act Of Courage.
A question for KJ…..
Have you ever tried singing rustic songs under the shower? Very refreshing.
Back upstairs to the man-eatin’ doona.
Dear The Knuckle – yes I have. For example, ‘let me tell you ’bout a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer but he kept his family feed…’ Very refreshing. KJ.