As usual – when something huge is on the national agenda – I spoke to Hec In Heaven 3am, today.
He was circumspect:
‘Look KJ, ya know I HATE soccer but a team is a team – and if the Socceroos are all we’ve got goin’ around at midnight, there’s a couple of points I’d like to make, particularly for people still lucky enough to be LIVING in Australia….’
It was then that Hec passed on his FIVE ‘non negotiables’ for your midnight viewing. Got a pen and paper?
(1) NO alcoholic beverages to be taken after 6pm, NONE. ‘Because IT’S a depressant and when the Socceroos go down 5-nil you don’t wanna be running around the neighbourhood at 2am kickin’ at nothin’ in particular, bawlin’ like a baby.’
(2) NO matter what happens, don’t put s**** on Mr Verbeek. ‘He may be tiltin’ at windmills but he’s just doin’ his job. Give him a go. Remember, he’s NOT responsible for the running sore that is Kewell’s groin.’
(3) KEEP your strength up. ‘The word Up Here is that Ghana’s national dish is ground peanut stew. As a gesture of true mateship, I’d like to see a big pot of ground peanut stew bubblin’ away on every Australian stove tonight.’
(4) BUNG ON ‘Breaker Morant’ for the pre-match entertainment. ‘Just to remind yourself about a bloke who really gave it a red hot go in South Africa.’
(5) DON’T put s*** on the Socceroos. ‘When they lose, fall down on the shagpile and FEEL their pain. Writhe. Cuss. Not against the Socceroos, but on their behalf. But rest assured you’ll start to feel better by Thursday. I know I did when the Leeton Redlegs lost. Friday at the latest.’
SOCCEROOS: DISGRACEFUL REPORTAGE.
Readers to kerriejean.com know that I abhor soccer.
HOWEVER, I do know a bit about what it’s like to really love a team.
AND with all great love comes great responsibilities. The greatest of them all?
Never, NEVER EVER put s**** on your team.
*I’ll never forget where I was when I first heard Hec sing this - my bouncenette:
Rock-a-bye KJ, in the treetop
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks
(And if KJ puts s**** on her own team)
The cradle will fall
And down will come KJ, cradle and all …
And so it was, with mounting red hot anger, I scanned the coverage of the Socceroos 4-0 loss against Germany.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is what happened in Durban.
The powerhouse that is the German soccer team (as expected) trounced Australia. The Socceroos (as expected) played their hearts out but (as expected) lost to a far, far better outfit. Outclassed. Fullstop.
Instead, what did I read?
All about the utter disgrace the Socceroos heaped on you, me and every other man, woman and child who, until 6am today, were proud to call themselves Australian.
…Then there was the gross negligence and malicious intent of coach Pim Verbeek - he dudded us. He had Australia’s most celebrated groin at his disposal - and he did nothin’ with it.
Also among the carnage, a dudded Tim Cahill, dudded hypothermia-stricken ‘fans’ at Darling Harbour and Southbank demanding bus ticket refunds to flee at half-time and an ‘up yours’/we was dudded run on cancellations at Luftansa offices Australia wide.
But the most disturbing, utterly immature report of them all?
…That the Socceroos had OWNED UP to the ‘Durban Disaster’.
Did I miss something?
I certainly don’t recall a post-match media conference at which Lucas Neill refused to confirm the Socceroos had been thrashed by Germany – only coming clean after repeated questioning by Australian soccer reporters.
Hec had NO time for soccer either.
But I’m glad he’s NOT around to see the vindictive twaddle that today passed for sports reporting.
So, for the little time the Socceroos have left in South Africa, please remember:
Do NOT put s**** on your team.
[Unless, of course, someone in it is keeping details of the real extent of a crippling groin injury secret - and they have NO intention of playing]
*Now, read on for some more uplifting material……..
Do tell me this……
When will your hypocrisy, your blatant stupidity, your gross display of faux Nationalism STOP?
…..I swear to God I CANNOT guarantee your personal safety to if I hear you squawk one more time with mock grimace:
Just like they did at Gallipoli we’re ALL getting up at 4am tomorrow…..
The truth, please?
Soccer, on the scale of sporting excitement, rates somewhere between speed croquet and the walking heats at the Olympics.
If it wasn’t for the running sore that has been Harry K’s tragic groin, I doubt you’d even know ‘we’ were in Joburg.
Hec, long passed and past president of the (also deceased) Mighty Leeton Demons, was dead right. It disgusted him to see grown men dancing with balls on the tips of their toes.
(Cr: Zoonabar: flickr)
Hec demanded brave men dare grab the ball with their hands and belt it high in the air. Then having big and bloodied farmers, reckless apprentice plumbers and gifted juvenile delinquents prepared to die in pursuit of it, again with nothing at their disposal but bare hands - and the secret weapon of choice for every real Demon….
Hec liked nothing better than to see an opponent prostrate, writhing in semi-conscious agony after being beaten to a mark by a rampaging Demon’s elbow.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is real footy – played to this day by real men - on beautifully manicured claypans – throughout regional Australia.
*A highlight of my recent freebie (sorry, assignment) to the Riverina was a visit to the famous Ganmain Pie Shop where I purchased a limited edition 591-page almanac, ‘History Of The South West District League 1913-81: including Ganmain Football Club’, by Mr Ged Guthrie.
It has proven the best $25 (half price) I’ve ever spent.
Mr Guthrie’s a great guy. To quote:
‘Ged is not a sporting hero, hasn’t survived a highly publicised tragedy, he is not a former Prime Minister…….he just has a passion for local football.’
I forgive Mr Guthrie for concentrating on Ganmain.
It was, afterall, the home of the most powerful, feared Groin Dynasty ever seen in the South West League – The Carrolls.
For example, records from the Ganmain presentation night September, 16th, 1960 - at the Ganmain Hall - show that Tommy Carroll was best and fairest groin, the best and fairest groin in the finals series and the leading groin goal kicker.
Centreman, Garry Carroll was runner up, best and fairest groin.
Mick Carroll was the most consistent groin and Des Carroll, best all-round groin.
Over the decades, members of the Carroll Groin Dynasty have also distinguished themselves on frontlines in Melbourne – James Carroll (Carlton), Laurie Carroll (St Kilda), Tom Carroll (Carlton) and Wayne Carroll (South Melbourne).
*Hec’s language at Leeton v Ganmain games was - to say the least – confronting. But to this day I’m sure he had nothing but respect for the Carroll Groin Dynasty.
Ed’s note: The Carroll Groin Dynasty is also famous for producing the youngest ever (at 38) Bishop of the Wagga Wagga Diocese, Francis Carroll.
So, enjoy yourselves in front of the telly at 4am, tomorrow.
My prediction?
Australia, 2 – Germany – nil - IF Harry’s groin goes the distance……..
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**Well, well, well – lots to talk about this week. If you don’t mind, I’d love to here your views on the Socceroos and the most drawn out comp since the Siege of Leningrad. As you know, I’m very broad minded so feel free to tell me you ARE getting up at 4am – and it’s your most exciting prospect for yonks.
On the other hand, if you have NO time for regional Australian Rules Football I’d suggest that kerriejean.com is probably not the place for you……there are many other on-line communities to explore and I’d be ever so grateful if you did just that.
And, as usual, would love to know what’s going on (non World Cup) in your life. Except if things are so bad I’ll worry and sleep won’t come and I’ll find myself in front of the television at 4am watching grown men dancing with balls on the tips of their toes.
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
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Prawn Cutlet Award