Email to:KJ BACK From Tax-Funded Holiday!
Dateline: Sydney, Australia, Friday June 11th, 2010.
Got back from Leeton Wednesday night but have only just woken up.
Still a bit iffy.
Low cumulus cover and one thunder clap at Wagga Wagga Airport set off a traditional free-floating pre-flight nervy. The last thing I remember is downing a handful of valium and ringing Gwennie to tell her how much I loved her……new perm.
What a wonderful trip!
I went to Leeton as a Woman and came back – still a Woman but with two high tech sound cards chock-a-block with honest, hard-working locals speaking openly of their hopes, dreams, fears, extra-marital affairs, water allocations, favourite rice recipes (Rice Medley, Festive Rice Ring) and deeply spiritual quests.
I asked everyone who gave so freely of their time: Does God Know Leeton Exists?
A quick scan of my notes shows the community is split 50-50. But, I can break the deadlock – and I will! Yes, yes, YES God knows Leeton exists and He sent his only draftsman Walter Burley Griffin to save it.
Highlights of the ‘embedded in Leeton’ freebie….sorry, ASSIGNMENT.
*The superb professionalism of The Producer. She wouldn’t let me smoke while conducting interviews and, in retrospect, I think her directive was harsh – but probably right in the circumstances.
*The raid on the Leeton-Whitton Crows dressing sheds on Sunday. So powerful was the testosterone aura I fainted and had to be carried out on a stretcher.
*Brazilian Wax, Tresses Salon. Don’t know why I didn’t have one years ago. Feel like Eve in The Garden Of Eden - Pre Original Sin.
Anyway, still a little disorientated…
AND there’s still so much heavy lifting to do for the upcoming kerriejean.com multi-platform series.
I told The Producer I trusted her implicitly and was – albeit reluctantly – prepared to leave the editing, post-production, scripting, voiceover, on-line design, twittering, Facebook inserts and crazy rounds of pre-publicity interviews to her but she said:
Fat Chance!
Back to bed. Wobble, wobble, wobble……..[memo to self: see detox professional tomorrow if balance still not quite right]
Read on for the Leeton ’on location’ report…….
***************************
Memories – like the calling of a name, misty water coloured memories - of the way weez were……
Dear, dear kerriejean.com supporters it is now 97 hours since I flew Air Valium from Sydney to the Riverina where I’m darting around – with Australia’s most experienced out-of-work comedy producer - plucking out material for my upcoming ground breaking multi-platform series.
All funded by YOU.
What, WHAT can I say to convince you that the hired Hyundai hatchback, the prawn cutlet platters, the crazy round of rice paddy visits, the explosive reunions with old flames – and hard edged journalism - are a valid use of YOUR hard earned money?
Perhaps this piece of (visual) evidence?
(The centrepiece of Walter Burley Griffin’s vision for Leeton: Band Rotunda, Chelmsford Place. Cr: Shirmax: flickr)
Or perhaps this (non-visual) snippet?
*Could it have been only Saturday that I was running the gauntlet in Banna Avenue Griffith, investigating reports of Organised Swearing in a city which continues to refuse to lance its boils, cut out the cancer eating away at its very heart – AND giving the Australian television viewing public – with its insatiable appetite for stories which speak to the very heart of who we are – the best night in since ‘My Name’s McGooley, What’s Yours?’
All in all, a personal and professional rollercoaster……..
…..Which today threatens to reach new and dizzying heights with a vist to the world famous bird watchers’ paradise, the Fivebough Swamp, Bog And Wetlands.
My host is none other than Mr Brent Lawrence whose seminal presentation ‘Leeton In Sixty Seconds’ is shown, discussed and debated at tourism industry seminars worldwide.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdacvI0uRMU&feature=related
Today though, just two questions for Mr Lawrence:
The first:
So Mr Lawrence the Siberian Cranes come all the way from Russia – but why won’t a bloke even come 20 kms from Whitton to take me out?
I have no doubt Mr Lawrence will answer in the manner of the consumate professional he is.
But like most difficult interviews, I will leave my most controversial question to last.
Mr Lawrence, do you identify with the matinee idol, Forrest Tucker, who it is said loved nature in spite of what it did to him?
Apologies for such a quick report back….
It’s all go, go, GO.
My appointment book shows just for this morning – Mr Lawrence, ‘I Love Leeton’ intimate tattoo application, Walter Burley Griffin Memorial Water Towers re-enactment (Leeton High School students will be Tower 1, St Francis College students, Tower 2), Observation platform: Sunwhite Rice Cake processing line – Leeton Rice Mills.
As usual (sigh, sigh, sigh), I will still punch out a small hole in my windows of opportunities to read your posts.
Love to hear what’s happening in your patch (sigh, sigh, sigh) but to be honest I can’t think of anything that could beat what I’ve got going here.
Another thing – since I’ve been in Leeton I’m noticing a great improvement in my facial wrinkles and general jowl line. Gwennie (mum) says it because I’m packing on the weight but I truly think it’s more to do with my plummeting stress levels. You be the judge when the photos go up……
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Prawn Cutlet Award
June 7th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Dear, Dear Kerrie Jean . . . here I am, sniffling into another recycled kleenex tissue after seeing that lovely picture of Leeton’s rotunda…
And I’m not sniffling quite as much as I did when Karen Carpenter died . . . no, I’m fondly recalling all those wonderful memories of childhood, playing on and around that feature piece of architecture in the centre of Leeton.
Well, I admit, the monument – reduced from former significance more recently to a mere traffic roundabout – is probably more the geographical or spatial centre of Leeton.
No, it’s the rotunda . . . intended home to open-air cultural moments, erected during depression era times, to keep the workers cheaply entertained and provide some needed economic stimulus to the town . . . (maybe The Rev Kev developed the idea of fiscal stimulus based on the Leeton model?) . . . that really should be the cultural and social heart of the place.
After all, there we all were in 1959, gathered around it, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Princess Alexandra to the new Shire Council building. (Now . . . I wonder whatever happened to her . . .? Was she ever on Oprah?) or there in the early 2000s protesting about the likely closure of the Yanco Agricultural Institute . . .
Yes, the old rotunda has provided a real central focus for the visissitudes, dramas, social occasions (and I guess as a crash barrier for any out-of-control fire tenders departing from the Fire Station) for the days of our lives in Leeton…..
And like the sands from an hour glass, the mortar and fabric of the rotunda has been sorely tested by generations of idle school kids (like me), drunks from the lower Hydro looking for a place to relieve themselves or more recently, skateboarders keen to grind their way to gnarly glory!
Heaven help the stonework . . .
Anyway, I’m just hanging out my current tissue to dry (for reuse tomorrow if needed) and wallowing in some silly sentimentality as I think of those foolish earlier times we spent around that rotunda.
And while I can’t offer a suggestion to the fate of Forrest Tucker – I wonder if Jack Tucker sen. could help? – there’s gotta be a guy from Stanbridge or Murrami or Yanco or even Leeton North who could call in and arrange a date with you.
….I know your schedule is currently jam-packed for the remainder of the week but I detect a tone of desperation in your otherwise sincere question to Brent Lawrence.
Perhaps Brent could suggest to the Siberian Cranes that they bring a single Russian bloke with them on their next voyage downunder?
Perhaps he could do that through YouTube, too?
Dear Palm Avenue,
Welcome! And what a wonderful tableau of history and deeply personal memories…..
You may be interested to know that today I spent a superb couple of hours with Mr Lawrence – exploring the colossal Fivebough Swamp, Bog And Wetlands. After walking for some kilometres through what is surely Australia’s most magnificent reclaimed paradise we adjourned to the Viewing Mound.
There Mr Lawrence – after much thought – declared the Freckled Duck his favourite visitor to Fivebough.
Unfortunately, the mere mention of Freckled Ducks overwhelmed me – and my mind went racing back to other times, other places.
I told Mr Lawrence that the last time I came to Fivebough I was with Hec (dad) on a Freckled Duck shooting mission.
Mr Lawrence went white and suggested I turn off the recorder NOW.
It was a long four kilometre drive back to town.
KJ.
June 7th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Please when back in Wagga Wagga track down that female former trainee teacher who by way of demur from becoming my first girlfriend threw from a car window a note wrapped around a stone which landed at my feet.
The note said: Get Lost!
She and her male friend were laughing as they drove away.
Where are they now?
She cast the first stone.
Dear Chadwick,
I have made some inquiries. This is what I can tell you……
They got married and are known in Wagga Wagga as one of the happiest couples the city has ever produced.
They won Powerball in 1999 – and have never had to work since.
They had two children, a boy and a girl. Extremely good looking.
The boy is now NASA’s chief scientist and his sister is a Minister in the new British Government.
Anything else you’d like to know?
KJ.
June 8th, 2010 at 12:09 am
(*Sat, June 5th, 11pm. Six-hour Pine Avenue traditional lapping session in pink 1982 Holden panel van. *Official Cystic Fibrosis Rally car no 181)
In a pink ‘82 Holden,
A girl can become beholden,
Roarin’ down Pine Avenue.
You don’t need no diagnosis,
No halitosis,
When you’re lappin’, lappin’, lappin’,
And the folks are all a clappin’,
All along Pine Avenue.
Obama couldn’t come,
(Troubles back at home)
But I think I saw the Rev Kev
In the crowd,
And Tony Abbott talkin’ very loud.
(His tyre was punctuous)
In a pink 1982 Holden,
A girl can become beholden,
Cryin’ down Pine Avenue.
Don’t you wish you’d come?
(And been lappin’ in car 181)
June 8th, 2010 at 1:17 am
KJ,
Please do not think that I wish this stone thrower any harm.
But look at what she, due to a girlish impulse, missed out on.
I have just purchase a ukelele, and she could be spending many happy hours listening to ‘Kumbaya’ and ‘Michael Rowed the Boat Ashore’ (Hallelujah!)
Such are the strange intersections of Life, where one goes one way and another goes a different path……
I am sure the winner of the damsel is – or was – a great sportsman.
Dear Chadwick,
Yes, the strapping man in the drive through stoning car went on to represent the Riverina in the shot put.
BUT, he had to fight long and hard for the right to compete with a shot put wrapped in note paper. KJ.
June 8th, 2010 at 9:35 am
Hi KJ followers,
The gathering of material for our comedy series involves a hectic schedule and unusual meals grabbed on the run between engagments.
With all this KJ has succombed to “holiday constipation”.
Although we can still hold recording sessions – down time has become a pressure event.
This morning we should be in attendance at Lisa Thurgate’s beauty salon for a full body makeover. I’ve had to re-schedule and alert Lisa to the fact that a half body makeover might be wiser under the circumstances.
Wish us luck – only one day left to collect crucial material.
Memo to self: Chew rice husks continually. KJ.
June 8th, 2010 at 10:05 am
I’m a pushover for a makeover in my pullover so move over red rover I’m in clover and I’m sober.
Dear The Dude,
Me too! Just back from ‘Tresses Salon’, Pine Avenue – Lisa was fantastic!
Makeover bill came in at $1300 – Riverina record! (Though Lisa assured me it would have been $3000 in Sydney)
Brazilian wax, fantastic! (Though learning to walk again is quite a challenge)
Have never been happier…….KJ.
June 9th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Are there any Mr Darcys in Leeton?
Yes Pandora there are. There’s a Mr Darcy who runs a transport business. There’s a Mr Darcy who comes from the long line of Grong Grong Mr Darcys and there’s a Mr Darcy who’s been around for yonks but I don’t know exactly where he fits in. KJ.
June 9th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Did I say there is always a dame?
Sometimes there’s more than one dame, and that spells trouble with a big T, kiddo…..
Art’s Bar & Grill, Leeton can never be the same again, with screaming and yelling car lappers, footballers in various stages of undress, dame talking about waxing and fissure fillers, old men crying into their drink about lost love and youth, and a Brazilian steel band a-ringing and a-hollering….
Yesirreebob – true insanity.
Mind you, it’s good for business. Clients are lined up in a queue outside my office next to the broken red neon while I take a refreshing drink with Lord Ginge.
Art has been forced to put on entertainment in the form of an aged white cockatoo and a woman of Mature Age….
Miss Mature Age’s mother has sewn her a costume covered in rings. Cocky pulls on the rings and is supposed to produce a gradual strip-tease….
There are problems, however, about MMA’s venture into showbiz.
First of all Cocky has seen better days. He looks like a used car that has had lots of owners.
He’s lost much of his plumage and has a terrible temper, attacking the customers.
He gives a dreadful AAAAAWK before he bites. I can give personal testimony as I my right ear is covered with band aids.
Lord Ginge also has multiple wounds.
As for the strip tease, Cocky has hardly removed anything more than a purple and green scarf from his owner, who insists that she just needs more rehearsal.
Art is plumb fed up.
He said Miss Mature Age is ruining his investment. I do not wish to be a spoilsport or rain on MMA’s parade, but I am inclined to agree.
June 10th, 2010 at 8:28 am
Art’s Bar is running out of provender for the visitors, and I am attempting to persuade Art to place Cocky au Vin on the menu.
June 10th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Leeton Going Off
The rice fields they are bare,
There’s music everywhere,
(Now KJ and crew are there)
Even old men are a-humpin’,
The town is really jumpin’,
There’s even bands from Texas,
Banjos whippin’ up both sexes,
Smell of octane gas everywhere,
Even Granny’s done her hair,
(Now KJ and crew are there)
You don’t need a jug of booze,
Just pick anyone you choose,
Lots of fun and laughter,
Even for The Parson’s daughter,
There’s music everywhere,
(Now KJ and crew are there)
June 10th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
I just saw Mr Brent Lawrence’s ‘Leeton in 60 seconds’ at the Sydney Film Festival screening before Roman Polanski’s latest thriller. It set the place on fire. Margaret was slobbering all over Brent, but David only gave it one star. Git!
It provoked a massive conversation about the auteur which I gather will be developed in the Ian McPherson memorial lecture.
Just thought you’d like to know and pass it onto the Leeton Tourist Information Centre.
Dear mrs port macquarie,
I CANNOT believe ‘Leeton in 60 seconds’ failed to ignite David’s senses – he’s usually crazy about sub titles……
Anyway, Leeton doesn’t give a damn what David thinks….because what’s become known as the ‘Mr Lawrence genre’ is being copied in local government jurisdictions throughout Australia.
Word is ‘Dubbo in 90 seconds’ is slated for release just before its hectic Christmas tourist season.
KJ.
June 11th, 2010 at 8:25 am
Came downstairs As An Act Of Courage.
Saw the posts about Leeton.
Back upstairs to the man-eatin’ doona….
Am now peeping over its edge at a Leeton & Riverina brochure.
Dear The Knuckle,
I’m back! In the bosom of my own bosom. You could read 1000 Leeton brochures and you’d still only have half the story. KJ.
June 11th, 2010 at 9:26 am
Miss KJ,
I send greetings from people of China to people of Leeton.
And I want clear up this ratf—king business with your Great Leader, The Rev Running Rat Kev.
So, famous journalist write story that say Rev Kev speak with angry dirty mouth.
As Rev Kev say to his many Chinese friends many times:
Can I Just Say:
Woo hoo! Big news story maybe in Leeton, but here in China everyone know Rev Kev and his dirty mouth ways:
And you know what?
We don’t give a flying ratf…k.
In fact when Rev Kev go off all angry, we have little laugh and just say:
That Rev Kev. He funny man.
But as you say in Leeton: You no worry….
We Chinese people still want all that stuff you got in ground. And deep down we know you keep on sending it, no matter what big fat miner in personal private jet say to young reporter girlie!
IFukU2.
Mister IFukU2,
I am well aware that your Communist leaders are desperate to get their collective mits on all the stuff we’ve got in the ground in Leeton – namely, one hundred percent of the bumper 2010 citrus crop.
I’ve got one thing to say to you MisterIFukU2: Fat Chance!
We’ve been through all this before when the powerful Brazilian Waxy orange lobby converged on the MIA talking up its supposed plans to buy our superior product.
Two months later, the Australian market was flooded with Brazilian Waxy orange concentrate.
The trade in concentrate only stopped after a high level delegation of Griffith farmers went to Brazil with a strong message: ‘This has got to f…… stop, NOW.’
So, we’re used to conducting cross cultural trade negotiations at their highest levels.
Does the Doha Round mean anything to you Mister IFukU2?
KJ.
June 11th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Bloody hell KJ!
Want to come to Joburg with me for a bit of rest?
Dear Greek and loving it,
Thank you but ‘No’.
I’m heading back to the Riverina. The Leeton-Whitton Crows have a bye on Sunday. Unmissable!
* Boil over at the Leeton Showgrounds last Sunday. President rang to say kerriejean.com pre-match raid on dressing sheds made the boys angry, all fired up – just what was needed.
‘…..Leeton-Whitton claimed its first back-to-back win of the season, fighting back from half-time and three-quarter time deficits to take a 11.11 (77) to 11.8 (74) victory over Narrandera at Leeton Showground on Sunday and enter the top-five.’ (The Irrigator)
KJ.
June 12th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
It was a shock when my friend Peter O’Toole burst into Art’s Bar & Grill, Leeton wearing a purple bordered toga and a gold leaf garland on his head and brandishing a sceptre and orb while playing on a lyre and chanting verses from Ovid, the Latin love poet.
Veni, Vide, Vice!
Marvellous, simply bloody marvellous, said the aged film star, his blue eyes shining like stars in an Arabian sky:
Tis I, Nero of Narrandera, Caligula of Coolamon, Petronius of Pine Avenue. Right and ready to roll! I am ready for my close-ups, Mister Scorsese!
It was then that I noticed that Peter was also holding a script.
Marvellous stuff here, he said. Simply Bloody Marvellous. Acacia Avenue becomes Arcadia….
O Vale of Tempe
You do the gods mock
But like Wise Odysseus
I am in my best frock….
Sorry, but it’s all over…..
Over? What could you possibly mean, you darling boy?
Over, red rover. KJ and Co have quit town.
Quit? Quit? Nobody quits here……
IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT ON THE NIGHT.
June 13th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Speaking of the mighty Crows (formerly known as the Mighty Redlegs and the Notorious Tigers) – I see that a young product of that club, with the very Leeton surname of Aylett, has covered himself and the town in glory by being signed as one of the foundation players for the new Greater Western Sydney AFL enterprise.
The GWS “franchise” is a horrible idea, and don’t get me started on the head coach/chief snake oil salesman Kevin Sheedy, but fair shake of the sauce bottle to the young man – he’s done superbly well to crack the big time.
*Have also put this post up on my new story – and replied. KJ.