The Socceroos V KJ’s Beautiful Mind!
Never before have I seen things in kerriejean.com so emotional, so revved up, even fraught.
But, God help us, this week we’re up a notch!
I’m a country girl. I’m used to being at the mercy of nature - and rugged, individualistic men.
But something unprecedented is happening.
I’m waking in fright – bolt upright in my ‘Sex In The City’ promotional jammies at 3am – going over and over the infinite configurations about what must happen (and what must NOT) to have the Socceroos ‘progress’. So they can get knocked out in the next round after SBS get its money back.
‘Germany WILL progress to the next round.’ Cr: Zhang Erning: flickr
The underlying trauma?
It’s taking me right back to a stinking hot HSC examination cell at Leeton High School, 1974. I’m the Riverina’s nerviest candidate for Level 3 Mathematics.
I’m in Group D, running on Hec’s traditional maths test fortifier, (a) one egg flip with (b) two eggs. And throwing everything I’ve got at the (c) multiple choice questions. A lot (a,b,c & d) has to happen if I’m to get ONE right.
BUT, it ain’t and I won’t.
My Beautiful Mind is a rice medley with pineapple and corn.
Eight minutes in, my dream of being the first in the Ross family to count to 10 without hesitating, has come to down to this:
Nowt x Nowt x Nowt = Bugger All.
So, to what has to happen for the Socceroos to keep their traditional slot on SBS - smiling on the team bus before matches.
Quite a bit…….
**Yugoslavia has to be re-united so Serbia no longer exists.
**There has to be a military coup in Ghana and the freedom loving Black Stars have to be imprisoned in South Africa and unable to play.
**The Euro Zone has to finally collapse in spectacular fashion, leaving the German players without legal tender to get into stadia.
**The Rev Kev has to urgently bring forward talks to unite New Zealand and Australia – with a resulting new Pacific powerhouse World Cup team, The Allrightwhiteeroos.
So, that’s what has to happen…..
And because I’m (sigh) a country girl who NEVER gives up hope – for soaking rains, for a date, for the Coleambally Rice Mill to re-open, for gay rice farmers to be given the right to marry and share water rights – I’m hanging in for an Allrightwhiteroos triumphant debut.
And I know, I just know I’ll get a date – centred on a Lazy Susan with a glorious plate of 72 golden king prawn cutlets whizzing around. BEFORE World Cup Brazilia, 2014.
Ed’s note: A lot had to happen for the Leeton-Whitton Crows to beat the visiting Coolamon Grasshoppers at the magnificent Irrigation Specialists Oval, yesterday. Unfortunately, nothing much happened at all. Grasshoppers (14:14:98), Crows (4:8:32).
Hec’s summing up – in line with his Golden Rule: ’NEVER put s**** on your own team…….
’A terrific exhibition of exacting discipline under great pressure - four quarters, exactly one goal per quarter. You don’t often see that!’
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So….it’s all optimism in here…..’would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon…..?’
A big Thank You to the new posters who’ve come into kerriejean.com recently. Hec’s also suitably impressed. ‘You’re on a roll, KJ, ya really are…’
Love to hear about your latest World Cup preps/strategies…..and anything else that – for you – is passing for a life…….*Oh yes, and reports of PTSD-driven HSC attempts would be wonderful.
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Comment of the Week
June 21st, 2010 at 12:23 pm
O’Toole, after merely two absinthes, is at it again in Art’s Bar & Grill:
‘Observe how the mighty men from Hellas stripped bare their Persian captives, then laughed at their lack of athleticity.
O men of Leeton – and maidens too – take heed of this mighty lesson hurled down like a thunderbolt from Zeus!
Look at your shanks, your belly, jowls and dewlaps hanging like grapes at a Dionysian Festival.
A World Cup or a 3-D cup?
O Leetonians bare your bodies to Helios in his chariot!
What, I ask, do the Gods observe?
……Will you march with Xenophon, or go for a beer?’
June 21st, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Tell all those journos when they get home,
To leave those Socceroos alone,
This morning, this evening
So soon.
Tell all those fans when they get home,
To leave that old Dutchie alone,
This morning, this evening
So soon.
Tell all those Serbs when they get home,
To leave the Aussie net alone,
This morning, this evening
So soon.
Tell Harry Kewell when he gets home,
To leave that bloody ball alone,
This morning, this evening
So soon.
Tell kerriejean.com when she gets home,
To leave footy dressing sheds alone,
This morning, this evening
So soon.
Tell that Ref when he gets home,
To keep all his red cards close to the bone,
This morning, this evening
So soon.
Tell the players when they get home,
To leave all those uptown girls alone,
This morning, this evening
So soon.
June 22nd, 2010 at 7:35 am
(With due respect to Herr Professor)
The square of his date,
When multiplied by eight,
Was three-fifths of five eight,
Times ten of sweet bugger all.
June 22nd, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Mr Rick Reilly of ESPN.com has scored!
……The godforsaken vuvuzelas! Make them stop! One of the charms of soccer is the singing that fans do. There is always loads of singing and chanting because every game is 1-nil, so there’s plenty of time for singing and chanting. Soccer fans sing and chant inane hilarious things like, ‘We are from Norway! We came on a plane! And we are very drunk!’ But we don’t get to hear the singing and the chanting because of the horrible, hideous, heinous vuvuzelas! My god, they should take them into the mountainous caves region of Pakistan and play them until Osama bin Laden comes running out, screaming, ‘OK, OK! I give!’
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=5288738
Dear Chadwick,
For reporters from countries – dare I say, NOT doing too well, vuvuzelas thingos have become the only thing to write about. Just like ‘off’ recorder concerts were THE story at every Catholic Primary School in the sixties.
In the meantime, please pass the windex. I’ve just sprayed the telly with two gallons of Aerogard. KJ.
June 23rd, 2010 at 8:45 am
Jeez Kez I feel so ashamed to be an Aussie, last night I burnt my favourite green and gold budgie smugglers.
Socceroos…..
More like: Craperoos.
Pathetic. So pathetic that they think a draw’s a win!
As you may have noticed, I’ve been keeping pretty quiet recently: the backroom boys at party HQ reckon that I’m frightening to women.
Come off it Kez, I think women like a man that makes ‘em tremble .
So bugger the spin docs, I’m on my way to Africa to take the Craperoos out on a Tony Six Pack Invictus Special training run.
As I told the Party room this week:
‘We’re in reach of a famous victory.’
Tony Six Pack.
Mr Six Packeroo,
Oh my, oh my goodness…..
Ph nd5ekls88 34*21…..sorry ’bout that – just can’t keep my fingers on the keyboard, so trembling are they.
Fantastic to see some leadership on this issue. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think The Rev Kev has publicly offered the Craperoos a tax break (let alone his best wishes) ONCE during their sensational World Cup campaign. Miss Gillard – she of the vuvuzelas voice, likewise.
Go to it! KJ.
June 23rd, 2010 at 2:51 pm
So good to hear you’re using Windex on the television screen! Always works a treat . . .
Mind you, I found an awesome little scrubbing pad at Woolies a couple of weekends ago, that removes scum (the soap type that accumulates on shower glass, not the Socceroos opponents in the World Cup!)
Works an absolute treat!
I’d mention the company that makes them so that any domestic goddesses who may be reading can get one – but this is the ABC and they don’t tolerate advertising or product placement.
And, no . . . the cute little Chux super shower wipes WON’T remove the sounds of the vuvuzelas at the World Cup.
Come to think of it, they probably won’t remove the potty-mouth comments of players like Frenchman, Nicolas Anelka, either……..
A shame really…….
Dear Palm Avenue,
I have been waiting for 18 months for someone, ANYONE, to come in here and sing the praises of The Chux Super Wipe….
I use The Deluxe Chux on a daily basis – to wipe up tears, to wipe the dust off the only other living thing in my flat – the aspidistra – and to wipe the Windex/Aerogard build up off the telly screen when I’ve mistaken vuvuzelas for Murrumbidgee mozzies.
So taken am I with the power and mystery of the Deluxe Chux, I don’t give a hoot what the ABC Charter says about product endorsement – I BELIEVE in the Deluxe Chux – and will continue to do so, regardless of the consequences.
KJ.
June 24th, 2010 at 7:15 am
Hi KJ,
Just heard Gary Gray say on your radio station that the Rev Kev is “very courageous”
Can I just say
thanks very much Sir Humphrey.
Gary reckons he’s a Labor MP.
Last I heard he was working for a mining company.
Can I just say
Can I just say
Can I just say
It’s not the Gary Grays of this world who made me numero uno,
it’s you KJ and all the other people of Australia
who love me & put me in the Lodge
so I urge you all to get down on your knees
and get on the big white mobile
to the big fella upstairs
before there’s an absolute disaster
& by tea time the red head from wales and her hairdresssing friend
move into the Lodge
(it’ll be the first time in Australian history that a hairdresser has been occupying the PM’s bed)
everybody here is extremely anxious KJ
especially Abby who’s crouching in a fearful. way
right at the back of her kennel.
Let Us Pray.
Amen.
The Rev why dont you love me like you used to do Kev