Email to:Serenity Now!
Regressive-Repulsive-Repugnant Thoughts, Free-Floating-Anchored Anxiety…….
EVEN sudden and inexplicable twinges of sympathy for the now officially ‘unhinged’ marauding, incendiary serial fete opener, the Honorable Member for Griffth……
Serenity Now!
Could it be that clear, present and mounting pressures – the impending multi-media KJ extravanganza, Gwennie’s insistence she’ll drop dead at precisely 10pm on August 21st if ‘that Abbott’ gets in, relentless controversy over my new fringe (’looks great’/'looks s***house’) – be threatening the very centrepiece of my Personal Coping Strategic Plan?
Could it be that KJ’s KERFUFFLE VALVE is about to blow?
[KJ: 'Serenity Now!' Cr: Sarge Devil: flickr]
…..The last time my Kerfuffle Valve was seriously under threat was in the year 2000…….
Talk about a Personal Perfect Storm….
Leeton had become too big for me. Too frantic. Alienation had set in……
Coming from a family that doesn’t age at all well, even social trips to Woolies to pick up a carrot were rendered nightmares.
(KJ to old schoolfriend) “Hello Barb, how’re the kiddies?”
“I don’t know ya from a bar of Solvol. But I have got TWO things to say: ‘Get yaself some decent moisturiser and keep away from my kids…..’”
My Kerfuffle Valve couldn’t argue with that.
I had to get away - fast.
Soon, I’d secured a Winter lease on a bungalow in Currie, the capital of King Island which nestles in the wild western entrance to Bass Strait. (Yes, yes, YES….where all your soft cheese requirements come from – including those that’d benefit from a quick squirt of Exit Mould)
After an indescribably horrifying turbulent five-valium-40-minute trip from Melbourne’s Tullamarine Airport I finally collapsed in the Currie bungalow, my Kerfuffle Valve saving sanctuary…..
With two cardboard cartons…
One jam-packed with cottontails and other intimate requisites including ‘Mum’ and ‘Mylanta’. The other? A more eclectic booty – (1) Chocolate roll (unfilled) compliments of Gwennie, (1) Superior ‘Mawson Hut’ brand doona and (12) bottles, celebratory Riverina *’Golden Gate’ Spumante.
*Everything under control - Kerfuffle Valve firmly secured.
The night closed in……
Working furiously with a combination of six gas cyclinders and three tonnes of old growth forest, I’d even managed to bring the Kerfuffle Valve sanctuary’s parlour temperature up to two degrees.
Then, IT started…….
A noise not unlike that in a Qantas jet engine test cell…
Incessant rumbling, then incessant whirring, then incessant roaring, roaring, roaring, ROARING…….
Every window in the sanctuary was shaking, shaking, SHAKING…….outside, the twister whipped cottage garden threatened to burst straight through the panes – to become the parlour garden.
THEN the lights banged, flickered and died…..
Crawling on the sanctuary floor, I managed to put through a call to a loved one:
’Tell Gwennie I love her…….new perm, tell Gwennie I love her……new perm’.
(Loved One) ’Good luck KJ, good luck – trust me, I’ll make sure your super is split exactly five ways, good luck KJ, good luck….’
It must have been then that I collapsed. Caused by the complete failure of my Kerfuffle Valve.
Morning dawned clear and bright……
Stumbling out the door with a box of Bandaids and a bottle of Dettol, triage nurse KJ was ready to minister to other not so lucky survivors of the twister.
In the main street of Currie (called ‘Main Street’) everything was calm, quiet……eerie…..
In a small cafe, people sat reading papers while hoeing into bacon and eggs…..eerie, eerie, eerie.
I asked the woman behind the counter what I could to help.
‘In regard to WHAT darlin’?’
‘In regard to the tornado.’
‘That was nothin’……wanna coffee?’
*I relate this because I was downright fascinated to read that the King Island community has offered itself as a potential site for a superdooper asylum seeker detention facility:
My considered view?
You CANNOT dump vulnerable people – who’ve just risked their lives on the high seas – in the Twister Capital of Australia.
You CANNOT…..
********************************
I intend to write more of my adventures on King Island at a later date. Trust me, I had quite a few with their repercussions still being felt right up to this day.
So, have you ever done a runner in the interests of life and dignity?
On the National Watch, your thoughts on THE DEBATE most welcome….for what it’s worth, I always suspect that when people present as just a bit ’too civilised’ – UNCIVILITY lurks just below the surface.
And – anything else erupting or receding on your patch?
Trust me, nothing is too small for discussion in kerriejean.com. It’s called ‘Democracy’ and I’d very much like to show some Leadership in the pursuit thereof.
So, why not throw caution to the wind and exercise a basic right by:
Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Prawn Cutlet Award
July 26th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
‘Twas The Night Before The Election
‘Twas the night before the Election when a very small louse,
Asked advice from his companion, a little grey mouse.
The stockings hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Julia or Tony soon would be there.
The children nestled all snug in their beds,
Home loans, computers, apprenticeships danced in their heads.
Mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Said ‘pregnancy leave ‘or ‘time off for a chap’.
Said Mouse to Mr Louse:
I’m not voting (if you please)
Because neither of Those Bastards are offering,
A skerrick or even a Bloody SMIDGEON OF CHEESE!
July 26th, 2010 at 4:54 pm
I am UTTTM Reporting from the Debate:
Julia is a true Red.
Tony has white cockatoos, not budgies.
Ed’s note: Under The Table Top Man is kerriejean.com’s long-serving operative – with all you need to know (and more!) about major National and International intrigues. He’s hot, he’s fearless and NO table is ever too low…..
July 27th, 2010 at 10:36 am
So disappointed there was no rumble in THE DEBATE.
All Kerfuffle Valves intactus.
I’d have settled for Julia saying something like:
‘Excuse me, Tony, but there’s a great big golly hanging from you left nostril and People Skills replying, ‘Show us yer t**s!’
A bit of traditional Aussie aggro, please!
If one of the pair had said, ‘Why don’t you die?’ – they WOULD be the next PM.
Dear The Dude,
There is much in this to ponder in this treatise……..
In the meantime: ‘Why don’t ya show me ya t**s?’
KJ.
July 27th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Just wondering about the Nauru or King Island asylum solutions that are doing the rounds at the moment . . .
Yes, we don’t want the refugees sent to ‘twister capital’ or to an ex-territory with a dodgy government . . .
I think I may have the perfect answer . . .
How about a processing centre alongside the Mia Club? Yes . . . in Leeton!
Think about the logic of the suggestion . . .
1. Walter Burley Griffin planned for a town lake to the south of the club. The area has sat vacant (one might even say, abandoned) for the best part of a century! Lots of potential space for a migrant processing centre sans barb wire etc.
2. The Mia Club would suddenly have a purpose for reopening . . . it could cater for the new Australians, serving an exquisite array of local and international fare. We locals would benefit, too.
3. The obvious employment such a centre would offer Leeton would be considerable. Town folk could work there and refugees could work on local farms! How’s that for beating the lingering rural recession?
So much for a China-led economic boom . . . we’d have our Julia-led boom, and help populate and develop ‘our wide brown land’!
You know it makes sense!
[Sorry Sam Kekovitch - the new settlers could eat Aussie lamb, too!]
Dear Palm Avenue,
This is really MOVING FORWARD – and like how!
This is real POLICY in an election campaign which, up until now, has been sullied by the shameful lack thereof!
This is the oft hollow concept of ‘Win Win’ in superb action!
This is deep (and realistic) thought of the highest order from the ONE-person People’s Assembly that is Palm Avenue:
THE WALTER BURLEY GRIFFIN RACECOURSE ROAD LEETON SOLUTION……
I like it – and so will the history books!
KJ.
July 27th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Where would I find my Kerfuffle Valve?
Dear Greek and loving it,
Just track in a southerly direction towards your G-Spot.
After identifying that, track in a northerly direction for approx three-metres.
An intact Kerfuffle Valve is easy to identify. Feels like an iced patty cake with hundreds and thousands.
If blown, it’s nigh impossible to detect. Time to consult the professionals. KJ.
July 28th, 2010 at 11:15 am
Super idea, Palm Ave.
I heard a thrusting shire president from some fly-blown, god forsaken dump in the Mallee on the radio arguing for a ‘processing centre’ to be built up his way.
Even compared to Xmas Island, sending the poor blighters to the Mallee constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.
Leeton already has a “Refugees Welcome” street sign out near Wamoon to prove its bona fides.
Come on Jules – you know it makes sense.
Yet again, our local historian-in-residence has trumped me – I was not aware that the hamlet of Wamoon was leading the way in ‘refugee think’ – and action……
NOW Dear Roma Street, don’t be too hard on The Mallee….
Would not Leeton and her surrounds have remained ‘mallee-like’ if not for the Brilliant (Albeit Mad Dreamers) who plonked an irrigation area flat bang in the middle of a what can only be described as (um) flat, spindly tussocks?
Still, isn’t Palm Avenue’s solution incredible – both in its breadth and awesome simplicity: read: ‘achievability’?
I’m still pondering your mysterious comments from a couple of threads back – could it be that Roma Street is planning a triumphant return to Leeton?
Just between you and me – with the current state of my Kerfuffle Valve, a one bedder nestled on an irrigation channel bank at Merungle Hill is looking good, very good indeedie……
KJ.
July 28th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
My election campaign commentary thus far:
As the Bard wrote: ‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment.’
Dear Chadwick,
I’m on high Mousse Man alert – as they say in the business: The Mousse Man is my watching brief. KJ.
July 29th, 2010 at 3:50 am
In Memory of Alex Higgins
In the golden game of life, Alex,
You took a second chance and lost
And drink,well, it took it all away (arrah)
You, like George Best,
Smoking ciggies and drinking
With all the rest and the craic,
A Belfast tough.
But when you put your eye
Upon the ball,
The Protestant Virgin Mary was with you
(all the way, me boy)
‘The little boy lost of Shankhill Road’.
Head-buttin’ the referee (no less)
We loved you, all of us,
For Proddies or Micks,
We all were in the hall.
July 29th, 2010 at 10:32 am
One thing that the mallee town doesn’t have that Leeton does is Golden Gate Spumante.
The aphrodisiac of the *MIA.
How many MIA babies have been conceived as a result of imbibing in this bubbly nectar?
Men need not take advantage of what is offered by those yellow and red noticeboards dotted by the sides of highways – and at considerable expense.
All that is needed is to imbibe this rather budget priced brew – and make a bee line for the ladies.
Dear Stoney Point,
Absolutely thrilled that ’someone right in the know’ picked up on – and proceeded to run with – my (niftily placed) reference to the famed Riverina Golden Gate Spumante….
It is surely Australia’s most UNDERRATED AERATED libation.
One has to respect The Gate though – easy to swing on – very bad though when the carnival atmosphere gets a little TOO carnival – and one finds oneself IMPALED on The Gate.
So, here’s cheers to the power and mystery of the Golden Gate…..From the Food And Booze Bowl that is the *Murrumbigee Irrigation Area.
KJ.
July 30th, 2010 at 3:31 am
What is the answer to fear of Kerfuffle Valve busting flying?
As adhered to by Kerrie Jean, a copious supply of sedatives and hypnotic drugs (some crushed pepper with that Valium, Sir?) and a mask and headphones and an aeronautical engineer on one side and an Air Crash Investigaton producer on the other?
…..Perhaps even being permitted to take the controls? (I am in CHARGE HERE, AND I FEAR NOTHNG, NOTHING….)
The ABC reports an answer, which is important because it is only aerophobia that has kept Kerrie Jean from being our leader.
She did try once, but her first (unsuccessful) campaign speech due to dfiazepam, began:
Men and Women of Australia, urgh um hee hee waraumph ho ho ha ha giggly do…
So if KJ takes this course it could be KJ Woman PM II.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/07/28/2966999.htm
Dear Chadwick,
On every plane that’s comin’ down, I bet there’s at least one or two ‘former’ fear of flyers who’ve done one of those courses described in your accompanying story. Think about it – I DO. EVERY DAY, ALL THE TIME…..thank you, KJ.
July 30th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Is the kerfuffle valve anywhere near the poofer valve? I think both these valves must have been common at the Leetona factory.
Did you get this saying from your father? I did.
Dear Skinned Knees,
Thanks ever so much for reminding me that……
The Kerfuffle Valve is very near to the Poofer Valve. In a general sense, both serve the same purpose.
HOWEVER, it is generally agreed by medical professionals that the Poofer Valve is an emergency back up for the Kerfuffle.
When the pressure was on, Hec blew his Kerfuffle Valve on a regular basis. If he remained in a heightened state, his Poofer Valve would automatically kick in.
BUT, if he continued to blow his Stack, he’d also blow his Poofer Valve.
With his Kerfuffle and Poofer Valves and Stack all out of action, he’d retire to the front verandah and recline on the vinyl ‘easy’ lounge for 50 minutes while his valves and stack spontaneously re-activited.
Invigorated, he would return to the fray where the (ultimately) self-defeating exercise would begin all over again.
KJ.
July 30th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
What can I do? I woke up very early showered and soaped he said that he would return and I’ve promised to wait all day if needs be to honor my promise with a credit card armed and still he doesn’t return my calls and emails.
What can one do to get the electrician back?
Dear Greek and loving it,
RING NOW! And if there’s NO answer, RING AGAIN!
Tell your electrician that he’d better attend NOW – a woman with a Kerfuffle and Poofer Valve emergency that shows NO sign of easing.
If a sparkie doesn’t understand that, he should hand his licence in. KJ.