Email to:*We’ve Finally Produced A Statesman!
Whowoulddathought?
Talk about social mobility……
The cream of Hec and Gwennie’s five lovely daughters – the very pretty, reasonably intelligent and quite popular Julie-Ellen, has taken possession of a golden Holden Statesman.
You heard right: Statesman!
(Traditional country leisure motoring: Cr: Ferenghi: flickr)
Big beautiful lines, petrol consumption to make Bob Brown weep, colossal leather seats ( go on, go on….fly me to the moon and let me play upon the stars), enough leg room for Magic Johnson in prosthetic stilettos and a monumental teak dash chockablock with gizmos including a gobsmacking array of not warning but congratulatory lights.
…..’Congratulations, you’ve just smashed the land speed record’, ‘Congratulations, your fuel consumption is officially morally reprehensible’, ‘Congratulations, you’re shamelessly fanging a Big Prestige Car In A Big Prestigious Country!’.
So, it may have taken 50 years, but in terms of country leisure motoring, we have arrived……
We have among us a vessel of conveyance once reserved for members of the obscenely wealthy (albeit excessively whingeing) Rice Farming Class. And make no mistake, their consumption of Statesmen (and the Ford counterparts, Fairlanes) was extremely conspicuous………
*Tearing up the elegant boulevard that is Pine Avenue…
*Duelling with hyperventilating Hilman Minx-driving spinsters for premium parking spots…… ..
*Perpetuating preposterous rumours of ‘ making it under two’ (hours) to Geelong Grammar (in line with family traditions of outsourcing loved ones).
*Displaying perverse/reverse pretensions including dumping 44 gallon drums of rice blight fighting pesticides on beautifully crafted leather seats………
Making me to sick to the stomach.
BUT all the while, promising myself:
‘One day we’re gonna get a Statesman and we’re gonna treat the magnificent baby with respect.’
So, when Julie-Ellen tore into Leeton – avec Statesman - when I was in residence on my recent ABC freebie (sorry assignment), what happened?
Firstly, we adjourned to the carport in respectful silence…
Stood gaping at the golden Statesman. Gesticulating with understated nodding . Then, we peered through the windows. Continued nodding …..
Then we were in the magnificent baby……..
Maintaining respecful silence…….
Then my legs were in the air. Head room test.
Then we were purring along…
Then roaring up Pine Avenue – up the main, around the monument to The Fallen, down the main, up the main, around the monument to The Fallen, up the main, down the main…..
Then we availed ourselves to the Statesman’s very fine sound system. Tested its operating specifications to the max.
I was finally LAPPING in a Statesman!!!!!!!
…..And giving the splendid set of circumstances all the respect they most surely demanded…..
Ed’s note: As The Pacific Rim’s nerviest motorist, I don’t drive except during what I call my ’demonstration two kilometres’ when I’m home.
But, I will keep my licence up to date because my natural inkings are towards the humanitarian. So, if a poor bugger is looking for a heart of gold or beautifully proportioned kidney and I’m in the unfortunate position of not needing them anymore, they can go to it!
*For interested parties, our lapping soundtrack was this (Ross girls long time lapping classic. *Has to be on minimum volume 9.5 to get what I’m talking about).
****************************************
Gee, I wish I lapping in Julie-Ellen’s big Statesman right now. Isn’t it lovely when dreams come true?
*I was just reading that – after a few years of superb Rice Farmer whingeing conditions (no water, no water, no water) the latest crop projections are for BUMPER harvests. That’s good.
….As long as we all watch closely those new Hummers when stepping onto the main pedestrian crossing on the elegant Boulevard St Pine.
*It’d be very nice to hear from you….. as per usual, all report backs on all topics welcome……..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Prawn Cutlet Award
July 12th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
By Christ – I love a Statesman.
A prosperous relative of ours had one (not a rice farmer, I hasten to add – by no means a rice farmer!) and it was just a delight to sink into those plush seats…
….Cars like the Statesman take us back to the days when big, grunty vehicles were designed to catch the eye and to give a jolt to the senses – bold, deep colours reminiscent of the ermine robes of a monarch, long straight lines, take-no-prisoners grillework, fins, two-tone tone paint jobs, fabric-look vinyl roofs, proud hood ornamentation.
These days they are designed not to offend – wimpy curves (but not too curvy), soft lines, semi-metallic non-colours.
The modern car is an abomination to those who get their kicks through their eyes.
In answer to your earlier question from another thread, KJ – yeah, I’ve just been up to Leeton, but I haven’t had the time and peace to get my thoughts in order.
Most of those thoughts concern real estate.
Dear Roma Street,
From one Statesman girl to another – BRILLIANT!
In these terrible times of uncertainty to find someone who not just understands but FEELS the power and mystery of the STATESMAN, is a rare and beautiful thing….thank you.
Those thoughts? Leeton AND real estate? Major requirement?
Carport with STATESMAN housing capabilities…..
Good luck.
PS: Do you remember the Hemi Pacer?
KJ.
July 12th, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Hi team,
Win an all expenses paid trip to Leeton courtesy the ABC!
We’re looking for a cool title for our upcoming comedy series – give us yer vote or idea now.
Dirt change.
Home attractions.
Dirt attractions.
Pigeons and poodles in the Riverina.
Home and deranged.
Bless my irrigation channel.
KJ does the Riverina.
On all platforms.
The Producer.
July 13th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
My proposed title for the comedy series is:
Channelbanking.
Dear Roma Street,
Roger that! cc:The Producer. Thank you. KJ.
July 13th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Something in the Hair?
Romping in the Riverina?
Boree Log Bonanza?
This Ain’t Hicksville Ya Know!
Ross Riverina Romp?
Sex and the Irrigator?
Dear The Dude,
Roger that! cc: The Producer.
What a wonderful contribution….. KJ.
July 13th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Hecsville?
Excuse me The Dude while I just have a little weep. KJ.
July 13th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
Hi KJ,
Talking of Statesmen, I was out with Old Silver the other night.
Guess what – the old boy is still randy as hell after all these years.
The media quoted me as saying Bob was my role model….
I’d just like to add a teeny caveat to that – you’ll never get me knocking back what the late The Rev Kev used to call the sauce bottle like Bob did in his heyday.
Still, Bob looked terrific….
And Blanche? Gosh, she just looks so young…
How does she do it KJ, HOW does she do it?
Not that looks are everything, but in our game they are important, as the First Bloke is always telling me.
Dear Red N’ Ready,
Bob keeps Blanche young……she’s absolutely LUMINOUS, if not a little permanently startled…..
Can’t wait to see what your Mousse Man’s got planned for ‘Election Day Announcement: 2010′. (Kiss Curls?, Bangs?)
Wardrobe tip: stay away from the polka dots. Why? Because NO-ONE’S ever looked good in ‘em.
KJ.
July 13th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Hey The Dude,
Love ‘Something in the Hair’.
Ta,
The Producer.
July 13th, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Now, where was I?
So difficult when one is traveling to conferences all over the global south.
I heard that a university student once asked of Gertrude Stein (visiting scholar)
‘What about the women question? (TYPICAL) ‘Everything can’t be about everything,’ Stein answered.
On that point – I just cannot be undergraduate co-ordinator, post-graduate co-ordinator, deputy dean of teaching and learning AND emergency safety first officer on level 12 all at the same time.
Please, I cannot.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Relinguish your safety first officer responsibilities (and a couple of conferences scheduled for the European summer) and I think things will work out just fine. KJ.
July 13th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Hi KJ and Roma St,
I presume most regulars here know the term ‘channelbanking’, but over the years, most people I’ve said this word to have no idea what I’m talking about. I’ve come to recognise it’s a Leeton word – although there are probably other towns with channel banks.
Is Palm Ave – Oval No 2 still popular?
My fav was the top of Cow Shit Hill – could see the ‘harbour bridge’ lights – even if there wasn’t a channel or bank in sight.
Dear Skinned Knees,
CHANNELBANKING: Well pointed out! VERY much part of the ‘old’ Leeton dialect……as in:
Channelbanking (literal): The act of driving a vehicle with front bench seats to the edge of an irrigation channel for the express purposes of a loving grope or even consumation.
* Figuratively, ‘Channelbanking’ is used to describe bouts of ‘parking’ whether they occur near channel banks or not (as in Skinned Knees reference to Cow Shit Hill*).
* Declaration of interest. I too was a fan of channelbanking at Cow Shit Hill: a magnificent mesa on the outskirts of town….
Looking down………the twinkling night lights of Boulevard St Pine (main street) with its distinctive one-metre rise in
middle section.
Subsequently, urgent matters on the bench seat all foregrounded by the lights of the Sydney Harbour Bridge!
NO lights in the confessional box!
KJ.
July 14th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
They knew how to build big, beautiful vehicles back then….
I remember even further back when the roads in the MIA belonged to the mighty Chevrolet Belair…
Now there was a vehicle. Boot space to take two 44 gallon drums, a few sheep and the odd bag or two of rice…….
…..Seductively curved windscreen affording you a view only rivalled by the *Roxy’s Vista vision and cinemascope movies….
…..Room enough inside for a whole mardi gras – complete with rear fins…..enough to almost take a young man’s fancy away from what mattered most to all young Leeton men of the time.
Dear Stoney Point,
Thank God I was stepping out AFTER the glory days of the Chevrolet Belair – I don’t think I could I have competed with a fine set of rear fins……I really don’t…….
I am at one with you on the loss of ‘big, beautiful’ vehicles from country towns and surrounds. Big, beautiful SEDANS, that is.
I am sure if Ford or Holden would be brave enough to shelve plans for even more miniscule hybrid/electric cars – and bring on a big, petrol guzzling stylish SEDAN, they’d clean up.
There’s nothing energy efficent about a vessel of conveyance if only ONE person and a cat can fit into it….
And who wants to fang to Wagga or lap Pine Avenue with only a cat for company? WHO?
*Leeton’s renown moving picture facility.
KJ.
July 14th, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Congratulations, The Dude!
One of your 48 entries has been selected as the winner in our ‘Name The Multi-Platform’ KJ comedy series…..
The entry?
‘Something In The Hair’.
The Producer: ‘A worthy choice. Fun, Intriguing, Memorable.’
NOW onto The Dude’s award: an all expenses paid trip to Leeton. The fine print says:
‘The winner gets him/herself to Leeton. Accommodation is in one of the town’s secret network of Safe Houses. You find one and you’ll be afforded country hospitality.
Food will be slipped under your door daily at 7am.
There will be NO travel expenses – afterall, everything is in walking distance.
If you wish to PURCHASE a last-minute plane ticket out of Narrandera-Leeton Airport, your call……
Enjoy your stay….’
KJ.
July 14th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
I know the guy who wrote ‘All Fired Up”, another Pat Benatar beauty and a great lapping number.
And I know my name isn’t Julie-ELLEN.
No pretence needed from this Statesman owner.
Oh dear – every blogger’s nightmare – family spat ‘goes public’, turns ugly…….
*I am (as always) ready and willing to negotiate….even sit down and peruse birth certificates.
If only you loved me as much as you love the Statesman. KJ.
July 15th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
(Draft acceptance speech)
It is my great, great pleasure to be here tonight.
I never thought I would stand before you holding this thing.
I don’t know what it is but it looks like Something In The Hair……
Dear The Dude,
Sure is a great, great pleasure to read this……onwards! KJ.
July 16th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Acceptance Speech (second draft)
Dear Citizens of Leeton,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. The moment I stepped off the milk truck holding my precious thing in my hands I could feel the magic of the moment, Something in the Hair.
July 18th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
Skinned Knees and KJ – thank you for taking the time to explain the meaning of the term “channelbanking” to the uninitiated. It was remiss of me not to do so in the first place. The reason I suggested it is that, as well as being a little bit saucy, it was (after considerable brain-wracking), the only word I could think of that was uniquely Leeton.
Yes indeed, KJ – I do remember the Hemi Pacer and there is actually a nice cream and black example in my own neighbourhood here in Melbourne.
The other big, stylish, grunty car that I loved as a youngster was the Valiant Charger. Not only did it have that gorgeous slick-backed-ducktail-hairstyle of a shape, us kids also got to give the ‘Hey Charger’ salute whenever we saw one in the street.
Dear Roma Street,
‘Hey Charger Right Back At Ya!’ Now, you’ve got me thinking – about whether there are other words that just may constitute a Leeton dialect.
I CANNOT believe you have a Hemi Pacer in your neighbourhood! Give it a (respectful) wave from poor ole KJ. KJ.