Email to:It’s Official: I’ve I’ve Let Myself Go!
God help me…….I’ve done something very bad……
Something I swore I’d never do……..
I’ve let myself go!
I’m sitting here trying to ty..pee..p..typeee…….
Sans brassiere and that’s akin to self-harm because I know it’s dangerous in terms of balance – take one wrong step and I’m gone…
And I’m encased in one frayed flannelette pyjama top resplendent with old Tikka Marsala Chicken stains……
And one pair of ELASTICISED waistbanded fawn pants.
You heard right…
I am wearing my first pair of trousers capable of accommodating a wide spectrum of gut permutations: from size six – and I’ll be able to confirm this in the next couple of weeks – up to a very comely size 26.
So, yet another crisis of self-image, self-belief…….
I’m sick with it.
No wonder – just put my thumb under my elasticised waistband to pinpoint my belly button in an effort to reassure myself I come from somewhere but no go.
When all evidence of an umbilical cord has been lost in folds of end stage Capitalistic Excess, time to move on………..
Time to flee to the Riverina where women and elasticised waistbands have not only a long but very proud history.
[Riverina elasticised waistband stronghold: Coolamon CWA. Cr: Bidgee: flickr]
Make NO mistake, I’m talking of elasticised waistbands well before tracksuits, well before talk of long or short crotches [I've been told mine is short but I dispute this], long before Tony Abbott discovered the twin pleasures of lycra and bicycle seats…….
I speak of - I honour – the pillars of country communities, the millions of women (of very, very comely sizes) who laboured tirelessly in school canteens, hospital kiosks and on CWA stalls dressed in what was the scientific advance of the 1950s/60s – elasticised waistbanded polyester pants.
Freed from the constrictions of oxygen depriving static waistbands and gaping metal-zippered flys, polyester pants desporters now travelled at lightning speed between pie warmers and Redskin dispensers.
But, as always with great scientific and cultural advances, there were unexpected consequences.
You do the math……
One 80 kilo woman travelling at 50 kilmetres per hour around a Leeton school canteen in 105 degree February heat….
Her inner thighs are rubbing not only against each other but also against the super-efficient conductor that is polyester/crimplene….
As our volunteer – freed by her elasticised waistband – gets up to speeds of 70 kilometres per hour, her personal grid becomes overloaded and static electicity ’sparks’ off her crimplene pants. She feels something NOT felt for years: strange, unsettling pulsations emanating from her lower regions.
That afternoon, our pillar of the community purchases seven more pairs of polyester pants.
And is flushed with excitement come December to learn that she’s been named Leeton Volunteer Of The Year.
************************************
Hello everybody.
I’m certainly hoping that Miss Gillard turns up to Labor’s Launch in elasticised pants. Like you, I’m very sick of spin – why can’t we all just get comely and complacent – last time I looked it wasn’t illegal!
So, why not tell Australia about YOUR proudest moments in elasticised waistbanded pants?
I’ve just decided to support fellas who’ve opted for the ‘elasticised’ configuration. I can see a lot of fun coming my way in the (I hope) not too distant future when I suggest elasticised waistband duels!
Also, am enjoying your observations generated by the Election Campaign. I’ll tell you one thing. If Mr Latham wants to report on my new life in elasticised pants he’s quite welcome to do so……..
*Ed’s note: Readers of kerriejean.com will know that we are deep within a controversy. Simply put, our constant correspondent, The Lonely Scholar, took it upon herself the other day to lob in with the unedifying news that she ‘didn’t give a toss about Leeton’. AND she’s only been participating because she’s doing blog research.
I make NO apologies for my reaction. *The controversy has continued over the weekend and you can see the results in our comments section.
In the meantime, looking forward to hearing from you – go on, exercise your democratic right by:
Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Prawn Cutlet Award
August 9th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
I have hired a mud pit and 44 gallon tubs of lard for KJ and The Lonely Scholar as an Election Special with Tony Six Pack as referee. Go girls!
You are beautiful when you are mad…….
August 9th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Christ on a bike. The most blatant of ironies sometimes sail over my head, but if it is true that you can actually get paid by the government to sit around reading blogs and ruminating on their ‘contribution’ to this, that and the other, then we ought to have a taxpayers’ strike.
I’m happy to stump up for people trying to figure out how to cure leukemia or patch up the ozone layer, but there is a limit.
August 9th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Roma Street,
We all have to make a living somehow and as Gertrude Stein once said: ‘Everything can’t be about everything all the time.’
The Lonely Scholar,
I think Roma Street and I would be at one re GS. But she also said: ‘ Everything can be about sweet Leeton, SOME of the sweet time.’ KJ.
August 9th, 2010 at 5:44 pm
I have asked Peter O’Toole whether he would support the idea of The Riverina All Girl No Holds Barred Mud Wrestling Championship between the Academic Bikini Girl Heart Breakers and the Leeton Female C-Caterpillars at a Neutral Ground.
His response: Marvellous. Simply Bloody Marvellous. Where’s that Trailer now, Lord Ginge? Get Barlowe PI on the job.
Dear Lord Ginge,
Just fantastic to hear from you -though I do wish it was in happier circumstances. KJ.
August 9th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Does anyone have anything to say about crimplene/polyester pants?
*I put a lot of work into my post….YES, I DID!
KJ.
August 9th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Everything can’t be about everything, but if it is being done on my zac, I’d prefer it to be about something, rather than about nothing.
August 9th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
P.S: Appeals to authority don’t wash, when the authority being appealed to is a talentless fraud.
Dear Roma Street,
So, you’re NO fan of GS?
You wouldn’t have any great memories of crimplene pants in Leeton, would ya?
KJ.
August 9th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
I apologise for everything.
The Lonely Scholar,
Thank you! This has been a terrible time for all of us.
*Don’t suppose you have a story or two about crimplene pants around the hallowed halls of The Academy…?
KJ.
August 10th, 2010 at 7:27 am
Confidante KJ,
I have been sleeping the Fitful Sleep of the BETRAYED (mentioned in your last post), for well, let’s just say, way too long.
Now I too have a confession, a leak: Marry Me (party foot soldier) is trawling pre-polling facilities, in her quest for MR RIGHT.
On Friday I got Outed!
An ALP apparatchik spoke these words to me: ‘Madam you have been here for the last four days …’
Help was at hand from some lovely people – Lib, Green, Indy….
They all LOVED ME!!!
I have also met a new friend.
I discuss the key points of policy with her. What a remarkable revelation: She too has accepted that the local branch or any polling booth is alike to speed dating … and we all know what SD costs.
Thanks once again to the ALP!
Marry Me.
Dear Marry Me,
Great to hear again from Australia’s best exemplar of our ‘Living, TRYING to Love, Learning’ motto.
NOW, looking for love in the ALP?
I know you’ll give it your very best shot but DO be careful.
This is NOT the benign community network that is Parents Without Partners…….
This is the Party that brought together – and subsequently asunder – the likes of no less than Julia and Craig…….operatives used to working at the highest levels of ‘living and loving’ – and still they faltered.
Beware Marry Me – Beware the traditional ALP chook raffle of love…..
KJ.
August 10th, 2010 at 9:29 am
As Caterpillar Queen you could be more compassionate towards those who do not think All Roads Lead to Leeton.
People in Narrandera, Whitton and Wagga Wagga do not share your obsession about The Old Town.
Also, The Lonely Scholar’s search for Loving (your second objective) has more interest for some visitors than grubs and cedar trees.
The Dude,
First things first – as you MAY have noticed, The Lonely Scholar has apologised – for preying on our community for the purposes of self-advancement in her rarefied academic mileu – namely, the unseemly dog-eat-dog fight for research grants for the Humanities.
You may be interested to know that I have experience of this world – as a journalism lecturer in one of our most prestigious regional institutions.
I knew, I just knew the academic life was NOT for me when I continually got into trouble for (unconsciously) flicking my hair into trays of cream buns in the staff room.
Now, I see many of my former students around the ABC in MANAGEMENT positions. None has yet to offer me a job let alone a job interview. *I think I owe it to everyone to write more of my adventures in academia at a later date.
Carpe Diem!
KJ.
August 10th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
My goodness, KJ, could it be that you are approaching early middle-age with an amount of trepidation?
Well, aren’t we all . . . ?
But to hear that you’re wearing crimplene/polyester mix expanda-waist trousers made me think that perhaps that lithe body of yours might just be succumbing to the ravages of gravity and even a possible lack of exercise. Surely not!
As a mere male, I can’t say I’ve had too much experience of the clothing item to which you allude. I have noticed, however, that some menswear stores – even Brad’s (formerly Lloyd Pinkington’s emporium in Pine Avenue) regularly stock male equivalents these days.
In spite of this lack of familiarity with the joys of polyester/crimplene, I’ve had a number of female relatives who have seized the items with considerable abandon!
An aunt of mine OS – now, well and truly gone to a big jewellery chain-store in the sky – had a whole wardrobe of the items…
Her favourites were in white which allowed her to match any number of tops/blazers etc with them. And the trousers seemed to have the right effect – she often won store promotions for selling the highest consignments of jewellery to customers in her city.
And this occurred over many years.
Perhaps she had figured out the many allures of polyester/crimplene quite a few years, beforehand.
In fact, I think she would not have been out of place at any CWA, Legacy, widows or church social group get-together which may have been on had she ever ventured to visit Our Fine Town while she was alive.
Indeed . . . I can just imagine her now, dressed to the nines, outside Lanham’s Exclusive Jewellers or Antoinette’s Jewellers, secretly plotting devious ways to outsell the locals.
Dear Palm Avenue,
White polyester pants coupled with blue blazers…..simple, chic……with just a touch of the nautical.
…..Worn with fine hosiery and white patent leather sandals (yes, you can wear stockings and sandals if you know what you’re doing!) AND teamed with a white patent leather bag THIS is the UNDISPUTED Classic of the Polyester Era.
I would have bought a bangle or two from your dear aunt – AND I would have inquired about purchasing her whole ensemble if given half the chance…….
What a Gal!
KJ.
August 10th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Lovely pic of the CWA hall at Coolamon…
I lived in Coolamon for a few years and went to a few afternoon teas there…….
Now KJ that would be a lovely subject to discuss, the wonderful CWA street stalls and out of this world tasty goodies prepared by the good ladies.
Remember the street stall in Leeton well and eating of such delights extending my waistline so that a pair of those pants you were talking about may have been worn.
I suspect however that Leeton may not have been ready for that.
Dear Stoney Point,
Lucky you for having the opportunity to be in-residence-in-Coolamon – it’s one of my favourite towns……
A gracious main street full of architectural masterpieces – its old bank buildings and pubs classic examples of ‘grazier rich’ centres of (I’d guess) the late 19th Century.
A few years back, I did a story on a community-minded local solicitor who wanted to turn Coolamon into the ‘Dirty Weekend’ capital of The Pacific Rim. Not sure how that panned out……
I have to admit to mixed feelings on CWA cuisine. There is NO doubt that the Association wins hands down the CAKE and SCONE categories for any bake-off between here and Brunei.
HOWEVER, I’m not so sure about its savoury back catalogue…
PARTICULARLY, the zany period when the ladies were recommending tinned pineapple be added to everything – mince, curried sausages, tripe……the bloody lot….
*Don’t worry about sashaying along The Boulevard de Pine (Pine Avenue) in polyester trousers. A recent visit alerts to me to the fact that you’d be in very good company…..*further confirmation from Palm Avenue.
KJ.
August 13th, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Elasticised waistbanded polyester pants.
Wouldn’t be seen dead in a pair……..
Give me a black size 16 skirt with an elasticised waistband any day.
Dear Greek and loving it,
There is much in what you say. Great possibilities for a size 22 jumper over the skirt………wonderful ‘layering’ effect. And sudden changes in weather can be instantly accommodated. Too hot? Take off the pants. Too cold? Add a size 26 overcoat – with an ELASTICISED back panel of course!
KJ.
August 14th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
In Art’s Bar & Grill, Leeton I found Godwin. His jumbled talk emitted a few coherent words…Federal Police…Treasury Leak…
‘Have an absinthe,’ I said. ‘Nobody’s perfect. You just passed your used-by date, like me. Ask Barlowe PI – he’s another Yesterday Man.’
I began to sing ‘Yesterday’…………….
We are all Yesterdy’s Men.
Soon Obama will join us.
Art says he has a job for Mark Latham as a bouncer.
August 15th, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Commentator: Good evening and Welcome to the Latham Of His Winter Of Discontent Forum.
Tonight we have a Cross Section of the Australian Community.
There’s Muhammed from the Taxi Council on crutches, bouncers from the Pacific Rim, AA reps, the St Vincent’s Hospital Emergency Team, St John’s Ambulance Brigade, the Ibrahim Family, the cast of ‘Underbelly’, the staff of the St John of God Hospital, and our Facilitator Belinda Neal.
Neal: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Latham of The Winter Of His Discontent: Sure…..and I don’t like what I see……
Commentator: Security is important for the Forum. We have Chopper Read and Roger Rogerson in charge of Security. Carl Williams cannot be here because he is deceased, fallen off the perch. Gone for The Big Sleep.
Latham of The Winter Of His Discontent: Where’s that complete a******* Rudd? Not enough guts to front, I bet.
Laurie Oakes here to back up his fellow Channel 9 reporter?
I feel a Walkley Award coming on. Well, on with the show. It’s going to be a real FUN NIGHT.
Medicare is our sponsor. Sit back and relax, s********.