Email to:The Joys Of Conditional Love
Woke up feeling ever so strange…..my imagination in overdrive……
A knot in my tummy (trust me, not the result of emergency liposuction), shaking hands reaching, reaching out for a big prawn cutlet in Lee’s Diner, lower Pine Avenue, the echo of Gwennie’s voice: ‘It’s good you don’t have a boyfriend – always bad for him, bad for you, bad for all of us….’
AND then staring in wonder at surely the Pacific Rim’s most intriguing and magnificent building – the Leeton Water Filtration Plant.
Isn’t it great? Don’t you wish you had one in your town?
['How Greyish Brown Was My Water Filtration Plant.' Cr: Bidgee: flickr]
I am homesick. I am in a very bad way.
Don’t get me wrong.
This is not the clawing, nausea-inducing, rose-tinted quasi-malady of an Anne of Green Gables.
This is a longing for the hard-wired Conditional Love experienced by KJ of Acacia Avenue, Leeton…..
Thank God Hec and Gwennie thumbed their noses at psychobabblelic notions of UNCONDITIONAL Love….
With five lovely girls to get to their 21sts with commemorative wrist watches, not duffed, literate, vaguely presentable and with fixed addresses their philosophy of Conditional Love – and its attendant demands - was not only right but (up to a point) saved me from a life of inappropriate sexual adventures and downright sloth.
As a teenager I was surrounded by Conditional Love……..awash even. There was:
*The Conditional Love Machine Gwennie As Seamstress/Artist:
‘KJ, I’m not going to start on your school formal hot pants – with overlapping split front skirt – just yet. Let’s see if you can eat a little less. I’d like to think that if I put that much work into a controversial (eat your heart our nunnies!) but chic ensemble, you’ll be able to pull it off……..’
*The Conditional Love Machine Hec As One Who Too Has Been Around The Block:
‘If you go out with Wazza KJ, a man won’t be able to hold his head high at Le Club D’ Leeton Hotel. Show some respect….’
*The Conditional Love Machine Gwennie As Educationalist:
‘The HSC starts next week KJ. Being lazy and fun around the house is one thing but that a scholar does NOT make. Go on break my heart: Fail!’
*The Conditional Love Machine Hec at His Fatherly Best:
‘What’s a man supposed to think KJ? If ya lucky, you’ll end up sellin’ fairy floss at Luna Park. Keep it up and I swear to God you will!’
So, here’s to my mentors, Hec and Gwennie, Conditional Love Machines Extraordinaire…..
And I appeal to the current crop of Australian parents to give Conditional Love a go…….
KJ - for one - is sick and tired of visiting home where the prevailing philosophy of Unconditional Love has created conditions more akin to a B&S Ball zone without bouncers.
*Ring, ring……
‘Gwennie, I’m homesick. I’m thinking of coming home….’
‘Good KJ but bring something decent to wear….I don’t want you walking up Pine Avenue looking like a………’
*********************
Gee…..your thoughts please?
……On homesickness, on Conditional Love, on the three regional kingmakers certainly making Conditional Love an art form at present…….
Just quietly, I think Mr Oakeshott is a little suss….
I’ve seen blokes like that at fundraising barbecues. All smiles, very reasonable, real pillars of the community. But, when it comes to being on organising committees, they can be real trouble, real big trouble……..
So, please report in with your news – it’s always good when the homesick are forced to avert their gazes from their own fluffy belly buttons.
*Lord Ginge The Ginger Man*
As you may be aware, Lord Ginge has arrived in Leeton with Mr Peter O’Toole.
Their Democracy Trailer is parked in Pine Avenue.
[cr:garethjmsaunders:flickr]
In these most difficult of times for our nation follow the colossal adventures of Lord Ginge all this week in our comments section.
Marvellous, Simply Bloody Marvellous….!
For folks new to The Ginger Man, he’s been operating in kerriejean.com for yonks. He comes to us via Trinity College, Dublin and Bletchley Park, the top secret British facility housing code breakers during the Second World War.
How to approach him? Easy. He’s fun, he’s whimsical. I love Lord Ginge and you will too……
Something In The Hair: Out Now!
As you can see by looking to the upper right hand side of kerrie jean.com, our comedy series ‘Something In The Hair’ is ready for listening to. Talk about nervy, talk about nervy……
*There’s also a new and trailblazing feature which’ll be activated next Monday:
The Prawn Cutlet Award
[cr: Marco Veringo: flickr]
This is a significant advance in the history of kerriejean.com. Every week, I’ll award a Prawn Cutlet for the niftiest, most gut-wrenching - or exceedingly provocative comment.
Make no mistake though, if you want the Cutlet you’ll have to work for it – conditional, very conditional.
In the meantime, calm down, tell your friends and family how much you…..tolerate them and take the opportunity to be in the running for the Inaugural Prawn Cutlet Award by:
Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo
Prawn Cutlet Award
August 30th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Now KJ,
I don’t know if you would remember, but back when I was a wee lad attending Stoney Point Primary School, autograph books were all the rage…
I know such books were used to hunt out and gain the signatures of famous people, but in my family those books were used to gain the autographs of ones’ rellies and friends.
As I remember the pages were in different colours and Myself and various cousins would pester aunts and uncles who would oblige us by scribbling pithy sayings in them…
Such gems as ‘three little monkeys sitting on a rail, you wouldn’t know the difference if Susie had a tail.’
I think you get my drift……
My reason for telling you this is that I appear to be the first poster this time, and as such can write here for you ‘by hook or by crook I’ll be first in this blog..’
Whoops that doesn’t rhyme too well.
Much like the negotiations taking place between our major parties and the Indies.
Manys the time an agreement has been reached over a beer at the top Hydro Bar, Leeton, and just maybe the current negotiations should be held there with the ghosts of our two dads to keep ‘em on the straight and narrow…..
Dear Stoney Point,
Autograph books!
What a wonderful stroll down Memory Lane – which (incidentally) runs off of Trunk Road 80 just before you get to Wattle Hill.
MY autograph book was full of gems…..
I ‘got’ Hec and Gwennie, neighbours May and Jack Eurell – and (bet you won’t believe this!) MONSIGNOR Lacey of the St Joseph’s Church Presbytery.
I tried to ‘get’ my oldest sister’s new boyfriend’s signature but was told: ‘He’s gone. You must never mention his name again let alone try to get him for your scungy autograph book…’
*Offering the ‘Versailles of the Riverina’, Leeton’s Historic Hydro Hotel for our official Hung Parliament Ball Breaking Talks is a brilliant idea: neutral ground, magical surroundings…..and an added inducement for swift settlement: ‘NO ONE leaves here until we have a new PM.’
I negotiated a couple of romantic break-ups at the Hydro in the late seventies. I settled for six Barcardi and Cokes – in exchange for my dignity.
KJ.
August 30th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
We have been sailing on Granma II now known as Bay of Cutlets, colloquially known as The Cut…
Ready for Seven Days That Shook The World….
The battle of the Bay of Cutlets invasion cannot be far away.
The forces of Nationale Cristo El Rey are poised in Griffith and have been joined by the Barney Carabineri at the Grassby Garrison.
We are holding Grong Grong with the Leeton Lancers and the 8th Absinthe Army….
O’Toole has obtained a field marshal’s uniform and has given a stirring regimental address in which he recalled another battle on a waterless irrigation area, the famous conflict at Sans Aqua in which he fought for King Faisal.
He reassured the troops, thus:
‘Officers and Gentlemen of the Cavalry of Leeton Lancers, General Lord Ginge and members of the fighting soldiers of the 8th Absinthe Army….
Today we stand poised for victory in the name of Democracy and all of its attendant freedoms…
The bicycle corps of Antoine, the Mad Monk, the Riverina Sun Rice Raiders, shall NOT prevail.
On Irrigator Cristo El Rey Radio, they have called us the Riverina Rats and the Leeton Louses….
Well, officers and gentlemen, rats can climb trees and louses can draw blood….
I see before me a mighty host bearing the banner of Gwennie, the Joan of Arc of the Corner Block Militia.
You Are Marvellous. Simply Bloody Marvellous.
…..Let us now pour a Libation of Holy Absinthe to the Gods Of War……
We are ready, willing and able.
Are we fit?
How fit?
Fighting Fit.
A marvellous outcome is assured:
A Bloody Marvellous one, Simply Bloody Marvellous.’
To be continued…..
August 30th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Hec was right. Wazza wasn’t for you.
He was a wanker then, probably still is.
Dear Skinned Knees,
I hate to tell you but Wazza went on to make a fortune in a rural based business….
He continues to contribute much to his community……….
Any MORE successful and he’d surely be holding the balance of power for the Murray-Darling Basin in the National Capital……
I know not if he is a wanker.
KJ.
August 30th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Sarah Palin was having a Ball,
At the Tea Party, National Mall.
Martin Luther King’s Dream….
She spoke about….
What gall!
Then we went to Shoppingtown Mall,
Hoped for the very best……..
Got sweet bugger all.
http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/08/28/sarah-palin-at-the-beck-rally-speaking-as-a-soldiers-mom/
August 30th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
When will Kerry O’Brien be putting Wyatt Roy in the chair?
I want to know…..
Brand of his hair gel.
Does he shop for suits in the kids’ section @ Country Target?
Dear ObserverNoAnswers,
This is not a site for ageists. I repeat: NOT a site for ageists!
Ageism is a canker on the face of our Democracy…..
*Next you’ll be asking whether I’m too old to have long hair……KJ.
August 31st, 2010 at 8:30 am
Going to watch my two fine sons run in the Districts – if they lose they are not my sons.
Dear Greek and loving it,
CONDITIONAL Love in superb motion!
*If they come last NO Christmas this year. KJ.
August 31st, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Run Costas, run Costas, run, run, run…….
Run Costas, run Costas……..
Run For ya Mum!
September 1st, 2010 at 10:49 am
If I wasn’t homesick before, I certainly am now, after seeing that wonderful building….
And just look at that sky behind it – huge and luminous and so far away. The one I can see out of my window is a whitish-grey looking thing, hanging about 10-yards above the roof.
I guess homesickness is a bit like the common cold. You can’t cure it, but you can treat the symptoms. The beauty of nowadays is that the medicine is close at hand.
…….Just type Leeton into google and away you go – first stop Kerriejean.com.
Dear Roma Street,
I see it like this: wraparound sunglasses, wraparound country skies.
Pssst – don’t tell Bob the Kat or Rod The Saint about the water filtration plant…..they’ll be demanding ONE for every town which uses more than 20 litres of H2O per day…..
KJ.
September 1st, 2010 at 3:54 pm
WAR DIARIES:
Just as the Light Horse once wore emu plumes our gallant warriors have their symbol. Christmas beetles. Christmas beetles in the hair….
Quispiam in saeta is the regimental motto – Something in the Hair.
O’Toole is frolicking in his role as a commander. He has painted his face with blue woad (actually I think it is Reckitt’s blue bag borrowed from Gwennie, Joan of Arc of the Corner Block Militia) and has declared in a stirring address:
‘They may take our lives, but they will never take our Water Filtration Plant!’
The Green Grenadiers have arrived.
We have made the Trailer the officers’ mess, although Colonel Bob Brown calls it the Climate Collective. We have toasted the regiment with Absinthe, but many Greens have abstained…
Why is Everything So Bloody Green?
Over the ridge (0.005 metres) we can hear rosary chants and firing squad training. Our enemy is no man’s fool, like the wily Pathan with whom O’Toole is thoroughly familiar.
To be continued.
September 1st, 2010 at 4:13 pm
The Bay of Cutlets Invasion will surely fail. We have had a message of support from Bon Jovi.
To be continued….
September 1st, 2010 at 5:24 pm
Not in all my time researching this blog have I been so perplexed.
‘Something In the Hair’ – a series that defies any analysis …where on earth do you expect me to publish my peer reviewed papers now?
Dear Lonely Scholar,
It’s not always about YOU The Lonely Scholar…..
We of ‘The Something In The Hair’ crew are hoping for a couple of lines in hairdressing trade journals or even ‘The Catholic Weekly’. KJ.
September 1st, 2010 at 5:25 pm
By the way when are we going to be fairly and squarely governed? And by who?
Okay The Lonely Scholar:
Write this down.
Within 96 hours – the numbers will (very likely) show that Tony Ab-Do-Man will be the next Prime Minister of Australia.
At present 73 all (including the Great Green – who, of course, made a deal today with Labor to confront a big moral challenge – the formation of more committees)
Bob The Kat will not have a bar of that: The Kat to Ab-Do-Man.
Rob Oakeshott – smile gone – also cannot have a bar of that: Rob The Sad Saint to Ab-Do-Man.
Andrew Wildcard Wilkie: *Demands: A brand new Hobart Hospital with hand selected staff: ie nurses and doctors who don’t even know what a poker machine IS: Wildcard Wilkie (quite possibly) to Ab-Do-Man.
Tony ‘I’m just a guy’ Windsor. Relative of Labor strategist, Bruce Hawker. He stays on the cross benches because he wants to be re-elected when all of the above falls apart.
My second prediction?
Back to the polls.
KJ.
September 1st, 2010 at 6:11 pm
My eldest son won the 800 metres, the most prized and gruelling event of the day.
He is my son!
At least until the regionals……
Dear Greek and loving it,
Don’t get carried away!
You’re now officially on standby to declare ‘No Christmas This Year’ after the regionals.
KJ.
September 1st, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Tony Abbott, the quick change expert who can spring into any costume, will not be Prime Minister because people can see how he drools with anticipatory appetite on every guise with his appetite for power.
Don’t count your money KJ while you’re sittin’ at the table. Wait till the deal is done.
As for another poll, who would risk the giant perks of being a Parliamentarian of any description to face an angry electorate that made a protest vote and a ‘pox on both houses’ and created a Greenslide?
A poll that would be impossible to call?
Dear Mister The Dude,
Honey, I ain’t countin’ ma money. I is countin’ my not IN-con-sid-eeerable thoughts which I keep with my powder puff in a stii-lish glomesh bag under the table.
Thank ya for your pon-tif-iiiii-ca-tions.
Duuuuuuly noted Mister The Dude, duuuuuuuuuuuuly noted…….
Miss KJ.
September 1st, 2010 at 6:44 pm
KJ,
Please do not misunderstand me.
I do not dislike Abbott.
I dislike him a lot.
Satan in a jock strap.
Duuuuuly noted Mister The Dude, duuuuuuly noted………KJ.
September 1st, 2010 at 11:19 pm
There were 11 billion dollars,
Hangin’ in a hole……
That’s 11 billion smackers,
Hangin’ in a hole…
And if one billion dollars,
Should accidentally fall,
There’d be 10 billion dollars,
Hangin’ on a poll.
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Photographed at official dinner in The Trailer.
Black beret with Christmas Beetle badge.
Better than Tobruk.
Pass the Absinthe….from right to left.
To be continued….
September 3rd, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Colonel Andrew Wilkie has arrived wearing an eye patch and SpyForce insignia. He claims to have Bletchley connections. He has issued the regiment with whistles. If you need me, just whistle, he said.
September 3rd, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Some Inland Campaigner has put up a sign near the Officers’ Mess in the Democracy Trailer.
It reads: Eat More Camel.
It has been defaced to read: ‘Eat More Politicians.’
September 3rd, 2010 at 4:44 pm
O’Toole is running the Recruitment Barbie.
TV cameras.
O’Toole appears as Goanna Man:
‘I’ll slip an extra yabby on the barbie for you, so where the bloody hell are you?’